Latest / Libido Lounge / Girlfriend Edition #3: Is AWKWARD SEX Ruining Your Relationship?

Transcript

Girlfriend Edition #3: Is AWKWARD SEX Ruining Your Relationship? · Libido Lounge

0:05
Awkward sex.
0:06
So let's go there.
0:10
First time I farted on somebody when they went down.
0:15
I am so sorry.
0:25
You let me spend to Vegas with you.
0:27
With you.
0:28
Oh, yeah.
0:28
Yeah.
0:29
Yeah.
0:29
Three.
0:30
We okay.
0:31
We had the best time in Vegas.
0:32
Unfortunately, no one walked in on you.
0:34
So my husband looks up a sex club to go to.
0:41
Definitely very awkward to to be a part of.
0:45
So we had all this, like, nervous energy just, like, charging up, and we go to a room and just
0:49
have sex ourselves.
0:50
And we're, like, 25 outside of the strip, and we're, like, already feeling uncomfortable.
0:55
Like, did we make a mistake?
0:59
Like, there was one point I remember there was this big thunderstorm, and we were alone in the
1:02
car reading Walden.
1:06
And he let me have his copy, and I was like, oh, yes.
1:09
But I just, like, didn't wanna even cuddle him after that.
1:11
My body wasn't a no, but it was, like, a neutral.
1:16
I feel like I have a lot of awkward sex.
1:18
It just happens naturally.
1:20
Being a human and, like, we're being primal and, like, naked and, like, messy, and that's
1:26
just, like, it's part of it.
1:27
Being so kind to ourselves right now.
1:29
It's okay.
1:31
Sex is a way that I deeply feel connected and close with Saudi.
1:34
It's it's something I use to feel close with people.
1:36
Oh, interesting.
1:42
Hey, everybody, welcome back to my libido lounge podcast.
1:46
I'm your host board certified sexologist Doctor.
1:48
Diane, and I'm going to be introducing you to a few of my friends.
1:52
We're talking today about how to keep your libido high and how to keep your libido high
1:57
during the ebbs and flows of a relationship.
2:00
Or if you are between relationships, how to still stoke your own libido so you can still
2:05
have all that juicy energy to put back into your work to your life to help balance your
2:09
hormones, balance stress and more.
2:12
So this is our third and final edition of this round of the Girlfriend episode.
2:18
So you will meet my friends again in a second.
2:21
And we will do more Girlfriend episodes here in the future several months down the road.
2:26
So please do subscribe so you make sure to stay abreast of when we release new episodes.
2:32
Alright, everybody, let me bring on my friends and let's get started.
2:35
Hey, everybody.
2:36
Welcome back to another episode of the libido lounge.
2:39
I'm your host, board certified sexologist, Doctor.
2:41
Diane, and I have another girlfriend edition coming up today.
2:45
I have a super good treat.
2:47
So I'm gonna introduce you to my girlfriends, and as we did last time, we're gonna use some
2:52
alter ego names to protect everybody's privacy.
2:56
And we're gonna talk about awkward sex.
2:57
We're gonna talk about how we work with awkward sex.
3:00
What do we do?
3:01
How to make it not awkward?
3:03
Or how to just go with it anyways today.
3:05
We're gonna tell some great stories and hopefully get you laughing.
3:08
So I'm gonna first introduce you to Yoni Sun.
3:11
Hi, Libido fam.
3:14
And to Venus Ruby.
3:15
Hi.
3:16
And to Cosmos, and to our furry friend on the couch, to LaRose.
3:22
All right.
3:22
So, for our first question today, guys, awkward sex.
3:27
So, let's go there.
3:29
So, my first experience with awkward sex was first time I farted on somebody when they went
3:36
down on me.
3:37
And, You know, it's like the early times in awkward sex, it's like mortifying because it's
3:44
already We're already getting our confidence up.
3:48
And then to have like a moment like that and have no idea how somebody's gonna respond or no
3:53
idea what to do, I think it could have really gone so many different ways.
3:58
Like, what happened was this very kind man, we took a moment and a step back, and I just said,
4:04
I am so sorry.
4:06
And he did the best thing, which is he just said, Don't worry about it, baby.
4:10
And he just kept on going.
4:12
That's great.
4:12
And I just love this because I look back in time of like, what could have happened, And he
4:19
could have got up.
4:20
He could have been weird about it.
4:21
He could have walked out of the room.
4:22
He could have, like, shaved me for it.
4:25
And it could have really left a scar.
4:28
So I think it's such an important conversation for how we care for each other in these moments
4:32
of awkwardness.
4:34
Just to, like, not have those types of permanent memories and realize that these are
4:40
human bodies and they're gonna do some It's like human things, and farting and cleefing is
4:45
sometimes part of what
4:47
They be making some sounds.
4:49
They be making some sounds.
4:51
So do
4:52
you find now that you feel okay farting during sexual encounters?
4:57
Do you
4:57
guys fart?
4:58
Do you feel more relaxed about it or do you avoid it?
5:01
I mean, I still try to avoid it.
5:03
It's definitely not like, like, something I I still really do appreciate, like, things that
5:08
feel sensual.
5:11
So I do try to avoid it, but if it's like something that just happens, it's it doesn't
5:15
feel I don't have that shame or that worry about it.
5:18
It's just more like, this is this is something that just happens sometimes, and that's okay,
5:23
and moving on.
5:24
And But yeah, it's not like, I I still try to, like, not do that.
5:28
That's my preference.
5:32
Yeah.
5:35
Who else has an awkward story to share?
5:39
When I think about awkward sex, gosh, my mind goes immediately to my first and only time
5:47
going to a sex club, actually, with my he's my boyfriend at the time.
5:52
He's my husband now, so I'll just refer to him as my husband because that's little bit easier.
5:57
We were in Vegas for the first time, and I don't know.
6:01
Have you ladies been to Vegas?
6:02
With you.
6:03
With you?
6:04
Oh, yeah.
6:04
Yeah.
6:05
It's really weird.
6:06
Okay.
6:07
We had the best time in Vegas.
6:08
It was a question just for the podcast.
6:10
It was a gasket that set up.
6:13
Get set up.
6:14
Vegans can bring out, like, your inner sex kitten, whether you are anticipating that or
6:21
not.
6:21
It was my first time I was not anticipating that.
6:24
And so my husband looks up a sex club to go to, and we talked about it.
6:30
We made sure that we had our agreements around going in, kind of our intentions, and we we
6:36
went for it.
6:37
And I had all these ideas in my mind about what the experience was going to be.
6:42
I even wore this black, like, cut out bathing suit that was really ultra sexy with black
6:48
pants.
6:48
And in my mind, I was imagining it was gonna be like a lot of dancing and, like, angels dancing
6:54
in cages and dark and mysterious and shit.
6:57
It was none of that.
6:58
It was neon lights and and, like, you know, fluorescent lights above and and really kind
7:04
of, like, tacky and and seedy, quite honestly.
7:08
So we call our Uber, and we're, like, twenty five minutes outside of the strip, and we're,
7:14
like, already feeling uncomfortable.
7:16
Like, did we make a mistake?
7:17
Like, it it just it was not quite tracking the way we thought it was, and we get dropped off
7:22
in this very quiet, dark, random area of warehouses, and we're like, okay, you know, we
7:28
we made it out here.
7:29
Might as well go in.
7:31
And we walk inside, and there's, like, no music playing, bright lights, just, like, a lot of
7:37
random people kinda sitting at tables, and definitely no sex happening.
7:42
So I immediately just, like, zip up my jacket all the way up to my chin to cover what I was
7:47
wearing because it was completely it just felt so inappropriate for the environment.
7:51
And we proceed to sit down and just have some conversations with people, and a couple people
7:57
kind of approached us, but nothing that we were really interested in.
8:00
So we had all this, like, nervous energy just, like, charging up, and we go to a room and just
8:04
have sex ourselves.
8:05
And the whole time, we're hoping that someone will just walk in on us, but unfortunately,
8:09
that did not happen.
8:10
So it was the most sexless sex club I could have even imagined.
8:16
So we hang out for a little bit longer and then finally, this young hot couple walks in and my
8:20
husband goes up to them and says something and before I know it, we're like walking into this
8:25
room together.
8:26
So my husband starts going down on me and then the other couple starts having sex and the guy
8:32
is trying to get me and his lady to kiss, but I had had some cannabis beforehand and so my
8:37
mouth was so dry and I was so nervous that like I couldn't even do that and anyway, we just got
8:43
through the experience.
8:44
We ended up closing out on the Retroster.
8:47
And the couple drove us back to the strip and it was very lovely.
8:50
And so now it's just this, you know, kinda silly memory that we get to reflect on, but
8:56
definitely very awkward to be a part of.
8:59
I think it's like, it's just another good example of those of, like, taking something,
9:03
like, awkward and just, like, making it like, normalizing it and, like, not putting any,
9:10
like, words or rules or meaning behind it and just being like, Okay, that was
9:15
was that.
9:15
-ASHLEY: was was
9:16
-ASHLEY:
9:15
was
9:17
Right?
9:20
Yeah, I'm very, very brave, you know, very, very,
9:23
very brave to, like, try completely try something new like that and just go for it and
9:28
have the agreements and have the rules
9:30
and all of that.
9:32
Which a lot of people, I think, they try things new, they don't always, like, there's not
9:35
always that understanding of having those agreements.
9:39
So it's also very, I think, wise of you guys to know to do that before walking into a situation
9:45
like that.
9:46
Through some potential scenarios before going in, but unfortunately, none of them came out
9:50
from Australia, Aimee.
9:52
Unfortunately, no one walked in on you.
9:54
Not yet.
9:56
Yeah.
9:56
But they go to another sex I would go to another sex club, but I would want it to be
10:01
like the angels in cages dancing, you know.
10:04
We could fuck that.
10:05
Yeah.
10:05
Yeah.
10:06
Yeah.
10:07
I think there's something that we could I think
10:08
I watched Body That the other night in Denver.
10:10
So I think Yeah.
10:11
Yeah.
10:11
It's The theater.
10:13
Yeah.
10:13
Amazing.
10:15
What other opera moments do we have to share?
10:18
Yeah.
10:18
Well, what comes to mind for me is interesting both of your stories of like, the growth
10:25
opportunity in it.
10:27
I don't I don't wanna say that mine I don't know that mine did have necessarily like a a
10:32
huge growth opportunity or there was.
10:34
I don't know if I saw it as a growth moment.
10:37
It was just awkward, and I didn't go into story or anything around it.
10:41
So, this was many moons back, and there was a guy who was in the same friend group as mine.
10:48
And so we'd show up a lot at the same party or the same, like, gatherings, you know, dinners
10:52
at friends' houses.
10:54
And we'd known each other for several months, and then there was this camping trip that we
10:58
were all on.
10:59
And something shifted in that camping trip where there was a definite, like, attraction
11:02
and sexual tension between us.
11:04
Like, there was one point I remember there was this big thunderstorm, and we were alone in the
11:07
car reading Walden.
11:11
And he let me have his copy, and I was like, oh, yes.
11:15
Anyway and so it was several months after that that we were at a party again, and we're
11:20
talking and chatting and rode back to his house on his bike.
11:23
I rode on his handlebars, and I was really unsure about it, but he made me feel really
11:26
safe and confident.
11:27
And, you know, so there had been kissing and some, like, you know, touch, not, like, really
11:32
deep touch, but, you know, just some contact.
11:33
Definite sexual chemistry and between us.
11:37
And so we hooked up that night, and it was just really bad.
11:44
Like, once it got beyond just kissing, like, there was just no connection there.
11:50
It wasn't just that, like, the sex was bad.
11:52
There was just, like, nothing there.
11:54
And so that was an experience that was really awkward.
11:57
And honestly, it just it left me really confused because I just, like, didn't know that
12:01
that could happen.
12:02
Like, I didn't know that you could feel such attraction and have that chemistry with
12:09
somebody, and then you actually have sex, and it's just like
12:12
Dud.
12:12
It's a dead.
12:13
It's a dud.
12:14
Like, I keep wanting to use the word bad, but that doesn't quite feel right.
12:17
It just yeah.
12:17
A dud feels more like it.
12:19
Like, just nothing was really really there.
12:21
And we didn't talk about it.
12:26
You know, now if something like that would happen, I would, you know, have a conversation.
12:29
But at that time period, I think I was also just shocked.
12:31
I was more in shock because I just didn't have words.
12:33
I was like, what do I do with this?
12:34
So, you know, I had stayed the night at his place.
12:37
One of us was in the bed.
12:38
One was on the floor.
12:39
Earlier, I had shared the story, and I actually think I said it wrong.
12:42
Like, pretty sure he was on the floor.
12:43
I was on the bed.
12:43
He was a gentleman.
12:44
But I just, like, didn't wanna even cuddle him after that.
12:48
Later that week, I had to go and meet him to pick up an earring of mine, and that was, like,
12:52
our last, like, true one on one interaction.
12:55
So, yeah.
12:57
It was just a weird, awkward, like, outlier.
13:01
Like, I'm like, maybe that happens for people.
13:03
I don't know.
13:04
I I that's yeah.
13:06
Makes me curious about just, like, the intelligence in our own bodies.
13:10
Mhmm.
13:11
You know, like, we have this innate intelligence, and maybe the body just knows
13:14
when something is not right.
13:16
And maybe it's tied to biology, procreation, like, nope, that is not
13:20
Maybe not what you're supposed to procreate.
13:22
I 1000% believe in that, in the intelligence of our body.
13:25
I think that was just so interesting because, contact, kissing, there was a lot vibing.
13:31
But it was more than that, that it wasn't.
13:33
You know that scene in Back to the Future where Marty goes back and his mom kisses him because
13:40
she has a crush on him.
13:41
And she's like, I don't
13:42
know what it is, but it's
13:43
like kissing my brother and it feels really weird.
13:45
Like, if he's like your long, distantly removed cousin?
13:48
But kissing it wasn't there.
13:50
Mean Kissing your No.
13:51
It's a different I like that example though.
13:53
What if you're like That's good something?
13:55
And or another yeah, that's a good point.
13:57
Yeah.
13:57
There's just no yeah.
13:59
I think it was just ultimately really curious because there was attraction with like kissing
14:03
and other touch, but it was like when it was more than that, that it totally Yeah.
14:06
What if he's gay now?
14:07
He's married now to a female.
14:09
Oh, okay.
14:09
Still could be gay.
14:10
I don't know.
14:11
But I hope that they're really happy and having great sex.
14:14
I was just shocked.
14:17
I was like, oh,
14:17
it's not Did you take any of that
14:19
personally in like, wondering if it was, you know, like, what about you, or if it was just
14:25
the chemistry?
14:26
It's a good question.
14:27
I am proud of myself in saying that I didn't, because at that time, I did have a lot of
14:31
insecurity and insecurity around my body.
14:35
And if I think back on that, like, didn't I didn't make it mean anything about me.
14:40
I didn't make it mean anything about him.
14:43
I just was like, that was weird.
14:45
I'm confused and shocked and like, clearly not gonna butt canoodle again.
14:52
So, yeah.
14:55
No, yeah, it didn't but I didn't it didn't it didn't influence any sexual interactions I had
14:59
moving forward.
15:00
Like, it wasn't in my field.
15:02
It wasn't something that I carried in my brain for a while.
15:04
It's not actually something I don't think about.
15:05
Well, enough because you've had
15:06
so much great sex.
15:07
Was like, don't know.
15:08
I'm pretty fortunate.
15:09
Yeah.
15:11
Yeah.
15:11
Curious.
15:12
Did he give any indication that it was mind blowing for him?
15:16
Well, like, we didn't have, like did we're like, did he seem like, oh, oh, you know, where
15:21
were there any, like, sound effects going?
15:23
Or I think he did have some sound effects.
15:26
Yeah.
15:26
Actually, I have to think about that.
15:28
I don't know that he gave indications that it was mind blowing for him.
15:32
I think he was in Resonant, that, like, it was just it was awkward.
15:35
Yeah.
15:36
It just wasn't, like this is why ladies Was it
15:39
Was it meant to make make your orgasm.
15:41
Just so demands, you know, whoever it is
15:44
Yeah.
15:44
Knows the truth.
15:46
Yeah.
15:46
Yeah, didn't fake anything.
15:48
I can't really fake, if I'm being honest.
15:51
I don't hide what I'm feeling well at all in any scenario.
15:54
It just comes out.
15:56
So, yeah.
15:57
No, I think that
15:58
yeah.
15:59
I don't think so.
16:00
I think he also, you know?
16:02
I don't know if he thought it was as weird as, like, surprising as I did.
16:05
But I
16:06
don't think Every time for him might have been mediocre?
16:08
Well, I happen to know a story I learned about a couple months ago.
16:12
That's why this story has more come up of a anyway, someone else that he had had sex with
16:16
that was also really not good.
16:17
So I don't know.
16:20
And they had sex years, years, years, years, years ago.
16:23
But yeah.
16:23
Also.
16:24
So
16:25
One of my curiosities is so interesting to me how, like, kissing in that part was like you're
16:31
like, that was a yes, right?
16:32
I'm like, Yeah.
16:33
It's, like, fascinating to me too around, like, what shifts in the body where it's like, Yes,
16:39
yes, yes, all of a sudden, Oh, hell no.
16:42
This is not not interesting to me. -ASHLEY:
16:45
And I think Interesting.
16:46
I think in like the and the most takeaway points, like important points of this is like,
16:50
whatever the body is saying at any given point, like, can be yes, and it's okay if it's a no,
16:54
and, the body is allowed to change its mind.
16:56
A thousand percent.
16:57
And to say, like, a thousand percent listen to the body like, the body's intelligence.
17:01
And I wasn't my body wasn't a no, but it was, like, a neutral.
17:05
Yeah.
17:05
It You know what I mean?
17:06
It also wasn't charged.
17:07
It was like, Well, let's see, you know?
17:09
And we we completed the You know, whatever.
17:11
It wasn't like it was a long lasting thing.
17:13
So definitely wasn't like disregarding body.
17:16
-NANCY:
17:16
Yeah.
17:16
And there just wasn't anything there.
17:19
It's kinda weird to unusual to be neutral or a dud.
17:23
Yeah.
17:25
When you felt really turned on, like there was a lot, there was a lot building for months, at
17:30
least like eight months, maybe like between him and I.
17:33
-So And really that goes together.
17:36
You know, I oftentimes like was just Oftentimes like hot make out sessions are a good indicator
17:40
of like the chemistry to come, but it's a good example.
17:43
Just like not always, like Yeah.
17:45
And the
17:45
first night we kissed was that night too.
17:47
For Okay.
17:47
Yeah.
17:48
Okay.
17:48
Got it.
17:49
But that was enjoyable and fun.
17:50
Sometimes,
17:52
even with awkward sex, it's the journey to get there, and not necessarily the destination.
17:58
Alright, Jania.
18:00
That's gonna be sad, but like sex in general.
18:02
Like, destination's amazing, but the journey's also amazing.
18:05
And we skip over the journey, I think, rush the destination so frequently.
18:10
I agree.
18:11
That's what I find more and more I need is is a longer sensual journey towards a destination.
18:17
Those are my best experiences.
18:18
I'm a very sensual person, so I need a lot of touch and contact and Yeah.
18:23
Slow.
18:24
Yeah.
18:24
A lot of slow build.
18:25
Yeah.
18:26
Me too.
18:28
So, Cosmos.
18:30
We're so angry.
18:31
I feel like I have a lot of awkward sex that just happens naturally because, like I think
18:38
it's true with dancing too.
18:39
Like, I'm not very good at following a leader in dancing.
18:43
It's like a like a practice for me.
18:45
And I think that happens in sex, too, where, like, it just gets a little clumsy and mismatch
18:49
or like I've, like, farted so many times during sex at this point that, like, it could be like,
18:55
oh, well, can we take, a quick pause and like, maybe this is hydration break because I really
18:59
have to fart or whatever it is.
19:01
So, yeah, I think that it just happens in my, like, clumsiness and and I don't take it, like,
19:09
into my next sexual experience because I feel like that's just part of, like, being a human
19:12
and, like, we're being primal and, like, naked and, like, messy and that's just, like, it's
19:18
part of it.
19:18
But when I think about an awkward sexual experience, the one that comes up for me and it
19:23
wasn't me being awkward necessarily, but having sex with a woman who had a lot of buildup.
19:31
And I don't know if this happens for you, but sometimes if I have a really good masturbation
19:34
session, like intense crying will follow and not because I'm sad, but just because, like,
19:40
there's that release that happens that feels really good.
19:42
And it's like a really good cry, especially in the shower or wherever that is.
19:46
And that's what happened with this woman where, like, we we both came and at at the end of her
19:52
orgasm was, like, heavy sobbing and, like, needing friendship.
19:57
And, like, I held her hand and maybe that was awkward for her.
20:00
And, like, there was some awkwardness because I was just having fun, you know, and it was,
20:05
like, this heavy thing for her, and it'd been a long time for her too.
20:09
She's had sex.
20:11
I hope she's doing well wherever she is, but like, that was like seemed really awkward for
20:18
her in a very vulnerable moment and very raw and not the way that she wanted that to end,
20:24
I'm guessing, or Yeah.
20:25
Or like me either.
20:26
But
20:27
Yeah.
20:27
Really unexpected when the body just decides it's time to have that release.
20:32
Yeah.
20:33
Were the two of
20:33
you newer sexual partners, or had you been sexual before?
20:37
No.
20:37
We'd been friends for some time.
20:41
Yeah.
20:41
We've been friends for for years and had, like, you know, like, flirted a bit, but never had
20:47
sex.
20:47
And she, like, she came to visit me in Denver.
20:50
And it was and it was understood too.
20:52
Like, we were both, like, hooking up.
20:55
And and so, you know, I was very honest about that, but we didn't really talk about, like,
21:00
what our relationship would look like after that.
21:02
And I think there were a lot of feelings about that too.
21:04
Like, she wanted it to be a thing, and we lived in different cities.
21:07
So I didn't even consider that as a possibility.
21:10
It was just honestly sex for me.
21:12
And maybe that was also part of what came up for her too, is like knowing it was finite.
21:18
Yeah.
21:18
Yeah.
21:19
Oh, yeah.
21:20
Yeah.
21:21
And it feels almost like insensitive to call that an awkward moment because I wouldn't want
21:25
her to feel that way.
21:27
Yeah.
21:28
But it wasn't like Well, think awkward is
21:29
un I'd say there's a word like unexpected because you maybe didn't imagine you're having
21:33
fun and play and it does lead sometimes to really deep and emotionally connected
21:38
vulnerable experience, you know?
21:39
So
21:39
I think those words can be sometimes, you know, interchanged.
21:44
And I think what comes to is, like, she must have just felt or her her nervous system and I
21:48
mean, unconscious of it or unconscious of it, like, really safe with you.
21:52
God.
21:53
Maybe that comes from, like, the friendship that was there too before to help her, allow
21:56
her to have that level of release.
21:59
Yeah.
21:59
That's a good point.
22:00
That's nice to think about.
22:01
I
22:05
also think, like, this whole conversation to me on awkwardness, in part, is about making it
22:12
okay for things to be awkward, and, like, taking out, like, the good or the bad or, like,
22:16
the charge one way or the other, and just, like like, as humans, like, sometimes it's okay.
22:21
Like, experiences can be can be awkward, and that's, like, totally okay.
22:26
It's like, does it It doesn't mean anything.
22:28
Right?
22:29
And it's just like, okay if we feel that way or if somebody else feels that way, and it doesn't
22:33
mean anybody's a bad lover or anybody did anything wrong, or like, it doesn't have to be
22:37
bad, I feel like, to feel that it's just, like, information that our body is giving us in the
22:42
It's just part of the experience.
22:44
Right.
22:44
Exactly.
22:45
I feel like what really helps, set the tone for easy awkwardness is if after the first time you
22:52
have sex with someone is you make sure you fart.
22:54
Afterwards?
22:55
Which is a truth out of the way or yeah.
22:58
It's a true story.
22:58
The first time that my partner and I made love, I farted immediately afterwards.
23:04
And I was like, you know, just so you know, this is who I am.
23:06
Like, this is what you give.
23:07
If you're not okay with this, we're not gonna work out.
23:10
So just to, like, get that up.
23:12
Yeah.
23:12
Yeah.
23:12
As well.
23:13
Mhmm.
23:14
I don't normally that know that I have the urge to but, like, I'm gonna sit with that now.
23:17
I'm like, okay.
23:18
Like, okay.
23:19
It wasn't a choice.
23:20
Yeah.
23:20
Yeah.
23:20
Yeah.
23:21
I love that as, like, your sex tip.
23:23
Yeah.
23:23
Yeah.
23:23
Advice.
23:24
Just have it you want.
23:25
Yeah.
23:26
Well, and I think that both of what you Diamond and Cosmos said of, like, aqua like, it is part
23:30
of being human.
23:30
And, you know, when your body's moving and slippery and you're in the moment, things will
23:34
happen and body hearts will hit or this will hurt, you know, and and just rolling with it
23:38
and allow, like, humor or lightness if that's available or not yeah.
23:42
Not needing to make a story or not needing to make it right or wrong and just recognizing.
23:46
Yeah.
23:47
We're just humans being
23:49
in
23:49
our bodies.
23:49
We're doing a very primal thing.
23:52
And, yeah, sometimes it feels totally in sync, and sometimes, oh, something's a little, like,
23:57
off or funny, or what do we need to recalibrate?
24:00
And just using that as information to be curious.
24:02
Yeah.
24:03
And I think, like, noticing too, like, the difference with awkward, like, it can just be
24:07
like a normal part of, like, a very healthy relationship of having an awkward moment, and
24:12
differentiating that between, like, your story around, Oh, this is actually information for
24:16
me, of, like, This is not the person.
24:18
Right?
24:18
So there's like that momentary awkwardness around like, Oh, yeah, versus the body being
24:23
like, Oh, no, this is not for me.
24:25
And they're actually They're very different, but they're both examples of awkward moments.
24:30
But what we do with that information is very different.
24:33
Yeah.
24:34
I feel like it's more embarrassing even than sex to, like, accidentally hit the person on
24:38
the face or, you know, like
24:41
I like clumping this.
24:43
Head with my leg before.
24:45
Like, the head head?
24:46
Yeah, like, I've kicked his head Oh, yeah.
24:48
Right.
24:49
Like, that's a really good example.
24:50
And you're like, oof, I'm so sorry.
24:51
And, like, you have to get back in the moment or Take a pause.
24:55
Or take a pause.
24:56
Yeah.
24:56
Yeah.
24:56
So you just Yeah.
25:01
And that's fair, right?
25:02
Because you're moving your your limbs in horizontal ways, which you're not normally
25:07
doing in your day to day.
25:08
So it's fair.
25:09
It's fair.
25:10
Yeah.
25:11
Being so kind to ourselves right now.
25:13
It's okay.
25:15
I think it's also, like, a testament of just, like, as women, we're always, like, associating
25:25
experiences and ourselves to perfection.
25:27
It's like comparing ourselves to this idea of perfection always.
25:30
And I think it's just a really gentle reminder that we don't have to do that.
25:35
We don't have to hold ourselves to these exorbitantly high expectations, and we could
25:40
just be present in the moment.
25:41
Yeah.
25:42
Exactly.
25:43
I think men do that also.
25:44
Like, have that performance anxiety because they're often doing more more of the act
25:50
action.
25:51
Right?
25:51
Like, I wonder I'm curious if men question their performance in that same way that we,
25:59
like, you know, think about our our perfection or lack of perfection.
26:03
Imagine it comes up.
26:05
Right?
26:05
But I don't know that that's like the regular dialogue in a man's mind.
26:10
I don't know.
26:10
I Yeah, I I don't know.
26:12
Do not It would
26:12
be cute.
26:12
This would be a
26:13
good, maybe, conversation for a libido lunch, but
26:16
Yeah, I'm gonna do boyfriend edition someday.
26:18
It's like
26:19
Yes, yeah.
26:20
I want the boys to spill over hype edition.
26:23
Yes.
26:23
I do think there is something that unique to the female brain and just our effort, like the
26:28
orientation of, like, getting it right, getting it perfect, setting things up, that the more we
26:33
can soften just being in the brain and the mind and more what is here, what's in our body,
26:39
what's in that feminine essence, which is really primal and really raw and unraveled,
26:43
there's less of that performative.
26:46
You know, the energy of performative comes when I think of what you shared around, like, you
26:50
need to be perfect or whatever and just getting to be more real.
26:54
And with realness is some awkwardness, because it's unexpected.
26:58
Yeah.
26:58
Have you heard that saying, that men need to have sex to feel close, and women need to feel
27:04
close to have sex?
27:05
For sure.
27:06
Yeah.
27:06
Did and that holds true.
27:10
I mean, does for me.
27:12
I I'm an You are?
27:14
You don't need to feel close.
27:15
I I do.
27:16
And sex is a way that I deeply feel connected and close with Saudi.
27:20
It's something I use to feel close with people.
27:22
Oh, interesting.
27:24
But I
27:25
know that's not the most common.
27:26
Yeah.
27:26
I definitely think there's research and evidence, like, showing that even from arousal.
27:31
Right?
27:32
Like, from a standpoint of arousal, like, there's a level of touch and closeness and
27:37
being, engaged in that before, like, this is where the twenty minute rule comes in for many
27:42
women around.
27:43
It takes sometimes twenty minutes into actually being sexually engaged before women sometimes
27:48
are even turned on.
27:49
Right?
27:50
And I think some of that is related to exactly what you're saying there around, like, we need
27:55
that closeness in order to actually feel like they're in we're interested in sex more
28:00
commonly as women Yeah.
28:01
In their generalities.
28:02
But I think they do hold some level of truth to them.
28:06
Well, where do you think the one night stand then falls on that spectrum?
28:11
It's in is it is it just like in the chase?
28:14
Like, or is it is it not even about closeness at all?
28:16
Is it just something that's completely different and instincts?
28:20
Sexual desires too, right, that that lie outside of relationships.
28:25
So maybe that's part of it, but I forgot what I was gonna say.
28:32
Yeah.
28:33
I I feel like I I won't say much because that would be I feel like a whole I have a lot of
28:38
episodes.
28:39
Yeah.
28:39
Have a whole lot of thoughts I have a whole lot of thoughts on that, but I do think it's a very
28:44
I think generally, like, think exactly what we're saying is very true.
28:46
What you had to say, Cosmos, right, about women needing more time or more maybe emotional
28:52
connection versus, you know, men just you know?
28:55
And I think individually, we're all really different.
28:57
And so I think even individually, the one night stand, you could probably make some big
29:00
generalizations of what that's about.
29:02
But I think for each person, uniquely, for some people, would totally not be right.
29:07
For others, it can be a really informative part of their journey and really important, and
29:13
maybe get a lot a lot of yeah.
29:15
Not only just pleasure, but, like, a lot out out of that.
29:19
Yeah.
29:21
Yeah.
29:21
I'll sit my lips there.
29:23
That women tend
29:25
to
29:25
have more intense orgasms if they feel a potential long term connection to a partner.
29:31
And, I mean, I've just heard that in my I'm a serial monogamist, so I don't have a lot of
29:36
data points.
29:37
But maybe that's part of the one night stand too is, like like, thinking about this person
29:44
as a potential mate, whether consciously or subconsciously, right, like, inform how your
29:51
sexual experience is.
29:52
Maybe.
29:54
Probably for most.
29:55
I think there's some Wait a minute.
29:57
Maybe I shouldn't answer these I don't know.
29:59
I mean, I've obviously changed.
30:01
I'm not in that zone anymore, but I One of things has been a big part of my sexual
30:05
experience.
30:07
And doesn't fulfill me anymore, and there's something that I really sought out in them.
30:12
There's something about the novelty of it.
30:14
Yes, probably my some of my more profound orgasms were in container of relationship, and
30:20
I have found it, for me, in the past, very easy to have really pretty incredible orgasms in one
30:28
night stands.
30:28
And I think that has to do more I don't wanna, like, share too much because it does feel
30:33
pretty vulnerable and personal.
30:35
But the high level would be, like, there's the novelty of, like, there's no attachment.
30:40
Like, I there's no expectation.
30:42
I feel so free to just let whatever wants to come up.
30:46
There's a freedom that I feel in those In position.
30:50
Exactly, those experiences, in the past.
30:53
Yeah.
30:53
If it gets really awkward, you don't have
30:55
to see that person ever at Gary, so you could just be, See you.
31:01
Or, like, leave.
31:03
That's happened by old girls.
31:06
Bye.
31:06
Sorry.
31:08
No.
31:08
That and that's with with Karen.
31:10
You're, of course, very respectable.
31:11
I actually no.
31:12
I know.
31:13
-ASHLEY: Yeah.
31:14
Yeah, it's interesting.
31:15
My my experience with them, which was like mostly in my twenties, was novelty, and I feel
31:23
like there was, like, you know, you mentioned that, I feel like it was a huge part of me just
31:28
exploring different humans, and learning, and growing, and just having experiences that were
31:35
so vastly different.
31:36
So I feel like there was such a important part of them for me blossoming into my sexual self.
31:44
And then, I At one point, decided they were That was not for me anymore, and it was, like,
31:50
starting to notice the differentiation of, like, when I was in relationship, and the depth
31:55
that I could feel like I could get into with pleasure and orgasms, versus I had that
31:59
experience that you're bringing up around, Yeah, it was, like, it was rewarding and
32:03
fulfilling in some ways, but from a standpoint of, like, the depths of the orgasm and the
32:07
depths of where I felt like I could go in my sexual experiences, I was finding that it was
32:12
just not the same at all, which which made me become, you know, decide that I was just no
32:18
longer interested in that kind of experience.
32:20
I wanted to clarify, yes, I agree with everything you're saying.
32:24
That was like but it served me really strongly for a solid period of my life and my sexual
32:29
evolution as a female, also being raised super Catholic
32:32
Mhmm.
32:33
And not being that.
32:34
So I think I had to go the other spectrum.
32:36
But yes, I think what you're all saying, like, agree.
32:38
Like yeah.
32:39
Just wanted to, Love it.
32:40
Hopefully, I'm coming clear, just like, yeah, I still love it.
32:43
No.
32:43
Like, I I really desire and crave more that contained long term relationship.
32:49
Mhmm.
32:50
May likely monogamous, but I don't know at this point for myself.
32:54
But to, yeah, experience greater depths of intimacy.
32:59
And it's crazy how much it changes based on where you are in your life or what you're
33:03
seeking in relationships.
33:04
And the example that came up for me is that as a, like, as a queer woman, when I was wanting
33:10
to get pregnant, I all of my sexual fantasies were heterosexual.
33:14
Like, very, very clearly, where it was pretty mixed or, like -NANCY: Interesting.
33:19
Even biological.
33:21
Yeah.
33:21
Even more like, because I'm I happen to be in a heterosexual relationship, that when I have
33:26
masturbation fantasies, they're usually about women, because that's like, what I'm not yeah,
33:31
what I'm not getting currently, but when I wanted to get pregnant.
33:35
And even during my pregnancy, like, it was, like, men only.
33:39
And even, like, men that I wouldn't normally be attracted to, I was suddenly attracted to.
33:44
So Because of their, like, stability or kindness or whatever, like, totally not even my
33:48
types.
33:48
But weird how my body, like, knew what I really wanted sexually, which didn't match up with my
33:54
life experience.
33:55
So interesting.
33:56
Yeah.
33:57
Know.
33:57
It's true.
33:57
And now that now it's switched kinda back, in case you wanna know.
34:00
Like, you have a Now that's three of them.
34:02
Well, now that I have a child, I'm, like, like more split down the middle because I don't,
34:09
like, I don't have that.
34:11
The trolley anymore.
34:12
Mhmm.
34:13
Yep.
34:13
Already gotten the dough, injured, and all done.
34:15
All
34:15
done?
34:16
So interesting.
34:18
I'd love to know, like, the hormone part of Once
34:21
a thousand percent What do you know about that?
34:23
And other stories of others, right, who are similar.
34:27
Yeah.
34:28
But if that's, like, a similar experience, I mean, would imagine.
34:32
I don't wanna assume, but I would imagine.
34:33
Would be hilarious to me.
34:34
Yeah.
34:34
What others have experience.
34:35
Yeah.
34:36
Yeah.
34:36
Wow.
34:37
So I'd love for you guys.
34:39
We have like like created so many questions.
34:41
I'd love for you guys to leave in the comments, like, your thoughts on some of these things.
34:46
So if anybody's listening that is bisexual and have had any sort of experiences like Cosmos
34:50
has shared around craving one sex versus another, one gender versus another, when you
34:58
are looking to have a child?
34:59
Would love to hear about that.
35:01
Would also love to hear from both men and women around, like, performance anxiety, or just
35:06
anxiety in general.
35:07
Like, does this ever come up for you where you're feeling a sense of, like, really needing
35:13
to perform, and- and- and it's actually interrupting or changing your ability to be
35:17
present and enjoying your intimate relationships.
35:21
Feel free to remain anonymous in your comments, if that would help your, you know, your ability
35:26
to comment.
35:27
We'd just love to hear from you.
35:28
It'll help us create more amazing episodes to support you and your journey.
35:33
I wanna thank my girlfriends for being here with me today.
35:37
And just to remind you guys that you can go to hotterlife.com to get a free copy of my ebook,
35:43
Five Easy Steps to Mind Blowing Orgasms and Romance.
35:46
So that's hotterlife.com.
35:48
I'm doctor Diane.
35:50
We'll see you on another episode.
35:52
Ciao for now.
35:53
Well, that's a wrap for today.
35:56
I hope this conversation around emotions and jealousy has helped you a lot.
36:01
Please do subscribe to the channel because we have another girlfriend edition coming out.
36:05
Don't want you to miss that.
36:06
We're talking about how to stoke your libido through the ebbs and flows of relationships as
36:11
well as being in and out of relationships during that in between time.
36:16
And please make sure you go to hotterlife.com to download my free ebook, five easy steps for
36:22
mind blowing orgasms and romance.
36:24
See you soon.
36:25
Ciao for now.
36:29
Thank you for listening to the Libido Lounge.
36:31
Please don't keep me a secret.
36:33
Please share this with your friends.
36:35
You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com