Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / 6 Things Men Want In Bed

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6 Things Men Want In Bed · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:04
Hi everybody, and welcome to episode 15 of the doctor.
0:10
Psych mom, show today. I am going to be talking about
0:14
what men really want in bed, because I just spoke about in
0:20
the last episode, what women really want in bed.
0:22
Now, a lot of people would think that men find it easier to
0:28
communicate what they want in bed, but those people would be
0:31
wrong. And in In fact in the couples
0:36
that I see while men may have higher sex drives at least
0:40
two-thirds of the time. They don't really say much of
0:44
what they really deeply Craven bed because they are scared of
0:50
seeming gross or needy or you know perverted or any of these
0:57
things to their wives. The worst thing for a man, it's
1:01
being sexually rejected. I mean it's bad for women to as
1:05
I discuss and within a long-term relationship, a man feels that
1:10
if he offends his partner by asking for something that she
1:14
finds disgusting, he is going to be banned from sex.
1:19
I mean, this doesn't happen. But, you know, most it's not
1:23
like you say, hey, you know what?
1:25
I would really like to 69 and she says, well, that's it.
1:28
I'm out. No more.
1:29
For you of any kind, you disgust me that doesn't actually happen.
1:33
But more anxious men within marriage, where sex has been an
1:38
issue. Frequently, worried that somehow
1:42
their wife will just lose Steam and just turn off to him if he
1:47
asks for the wrong thing. So what is the first thing
1:53
there's going to be six things? By the way, six things that men
1:56
want in bed because I'm even Steven with the what women want
1:59
in bed post which had six things.
2:02
So the first thing that men really want in bed is foreplay.
2:06
So this is a great misconception that men just one quick.
2:10
He's I don't know. Any in fact I always have women
2:13
in my sessions that are exhausted that say why can't we
2:16
ever just have a quickie and the guys like well I mean a quick.
2:20
He's nice sometimes Times. But, you know, I mean, that's
2:22
not really what you know, like, he doesn't really want to have a
2:25
quickie. The only time when men really
2:27
want quickies is when it is within the backdrop of an
2:32
otherwise fulfilling, sex, life that has lots of variety, then a
2:36
quickie can be for a variety for excitement, if it's, you know,
2:40
somewhere where you might get caught, but the average man does
2:43
not in any way. Want a quickie, he wants a long
2:45
experience involving for play and potentially multiple
2:50
multiple. Orgasms, at least for the woman
2:52
but hopefully for both depends on his age there.
2:55
If he could eke, one out another one for him, but either way, he
2:58
wants to have a long experience. So this is the number one thing
3:03
that men particularly men with a sexual sensual love style.
3:09
So you can take the erotic blueprint quiz that, I reference
3:12
in many of my podcasts and if the man has a more sensual
3:16
style, he's going to really want a lot of foreplay.
3:21
The next thing that a man wants is to please his partner.
3:26
Women are consistently very surprised when I turned to a man
3:30
and couples counseling and I say what is more important her
3:33
orgasm or your orgasm her enjoying herself or you enjoying
3:37
yourself and they say her her orgasm, her enjoying herself.
3:41
That is what is most important to me most men get off on their
3:46
Partners enjoyment and for a woman to just lay there.
3:51
Like a deceased starfish, submitting, to sex, is the
3:57
biggest turnoff, and not only turn off to men, but it's also
4:01
very demoralizing and really does a number on their
4:05
self-esteem, to view your wife sitting there, like, you know,
4:10
laying there, like something dead, that doesn't want to be
4:14
there. That is just trying to power
4:16
through this experience, so they want to please their Wives.
4:21
But as I discuss in other podcast, like the previous one
4:26
about what women want, a lot of women don't really know what
4:29
they want. They know this a net but they
4:30
don't know what it is. That would it be better?
4:33
Because either, they haven't had a lot of experience or they have
4:36
never found themselves with enough courage to say something
4:41
or they don't really know what they want.
4:42
Remember women do not research sex as assiduously as many men
4:46
do now. Unfortunately, most immense
4:49
research comes in the Consuming a lot of porn variety, which
4:53
doesn't actually teach you how to please an actual woman,
4:57
which, you know, circles back to the original problem here, which
5:01
is that it can then be the blind leading the blind.
5:04
The woman doesn't really know what she wants, she doesn't
5:07
really know how to have a better experience.
5:09
The man is doing some stuff out of pouring, that seems like the
5:12
woman and the TV likes it or the phone nowadays and doesn't work
5:16
for his wife and it's really frustrating experience.
5:20
This is why it's it's so key for women to try to understand their
5:23
bodies more so that they can tell their partner, what they
5:26
like as well as for men to research, you know, other
5:29
techniques and other ways of understanding women.
5:33
I mean refer back to my previous episode about what women want so
5:37
that the woman can, in fact, be pleased.
5:39
And this number two can come to fruition.
5:43
Now, number three is imagination and variety most men do not want
5:48
to be doing the same thing all the time.
5:51
And if it is, you know, the position that they really like,
5:54
even if it's oral sex, they don't want to be doing the same
5:57
exact thing every time. Nobody really does a man or
6:02
woman, but people with lower libidos will find some sort of
6:06
comfort in the fact that they know what's coming and it'll be
6:10
over soon. This is not the average higher
6:12
libido, man, he doesn't want it to be over soon.
6:14
He wants to explore to feel creative.
6:18
He wants the same sort of creative expression.
6:21
Experience that he, you know, thought that marriage and
6:25
relationships would be when he was a younger man, where you
6:29
explore each, other's bodies, and figure out what each other
6:31
likes. And try a whole bunch of new
6:33
things. Now like women men also want
6:39
number four which is sex as a stress reliever or a respite
6:44
from the banalities of daily life work.
6:48
Often sucks, your kids can be annoying.
6:51
There are money problems, health issues, and what have you
6:55
everybody struggles with these things?
6:57
After the age of you know, 20-something and sex can
7:01
actually be a very good way to bond and relationship?
7:05
If stress on a regular basis, if both Partners think of it this
7:09
way. So men don't really know how to
7:12
articulate this to their wives. They don't know how to say, I
7:16
want to be in a special world, just the two of us.
7:19
If they said something like that, the wife might like it.
7:22
She might think that was romantic.
7:23
But instead, they say want to go upstairs and nobody really wants
7:29
to go upstairs that bad when they are being pursued in a way
7:33
that they find to be boring, or A half-hearted.
7:36
But if they knew how much their husband wanted to really make
7:41
their sex life into an escape, a respite a Haven and someplace
7:48
where you both. Please one another and you are
7:50
close physically and emotionally, then women would
7:55
get on board with this as well. Because this is something that
7:57
many women crave two people. Do not just want to be, you
8:02
know, parents and employees. I want to also be sexual
8:07
entities, and to have that whole part of themselves there, they
8:14
don't want that part to die. They want that part to be
8:17
accessed on a regular basis. At least many people want that
8:23
The next one is a confident and assertive partner.
8:28
Most women want a confident and assertive partner and men are no
8:33
different. Men's fantasy is of a woman
8:35
taking charge so that they can finally throw off the, you know,
8:40
this burden of having to figure out what to do in bed.
8:44
Women talk a lot about emotional labor.
8:46
But men frequently do a lot of the quote emotional labor in the
8:49
bedroom because the woman's with a lower libido.
8:52
She's Kind of like, well shit. I don't want to be here as much
8:55
as you do. So you make this happen.
8:57
If you took your husband to Paint and Sip night, you would
9:01
act pretty enthusiastic about painting and sipping because you
9:04
know, it's not his thing. Well in the bedroom, if it's
9:08
understood in your marriage that sex is quote his thing, not
9:11
yours. Then you know, both people can
9:14
fall into this trap where the husband is thought to always
9:18
then have to initiate because after all he's the one with the
9:21
higher libido while I There, stand that pragmatically and
9:25
Men, definitely, I encouraged to initiate if that is what your
9:29
wife likes and puts her in the mood, if they have to always
9:32
initiate and if they are again, like the blind leading the
9:35
blind, because the woman never tells them what they're getting
9:38
right or wrong. And they have no feedback and
9:42
they have to initiate a sexual encounter, which they're not
9:45
even sure if she likes it at all, then this could be pretty
9:48
again demoralizing, which is kind of the adjective for
9:53
unfortunately, for many married men, sex lives as a whole
9:56
demoralizing. Now, you don't want that to be
9:58
your husband. That sounds sad.
10:00
So open, not open-mindedness. That's spoiler.
10:05
Spoiler, that's going to be the next one open-mindedness, but if
10:08
you are take charge and even a little bit more dominant in the
10:12
bedroom at times, not like all the time, like sometimes, then
10:17
that can be a lot of variety which will hit that button and
10:21
also it'll make him feel desired.
10:23
Men really want to feel desired because if they are in the
10:26
situation where they're known to be the higher libido partner,
10:29
then you get to feel desired, but they don't really get to
10:32
feel desired ever in that situation because they know that
10:37
you could take her. Leave sex, what's the saying?
10:39
Whoever cares less wins. So you win as a lower libido
10:44
partner and it's no great prize. You know it's an unhappy husband
10:48
and a bad marriage or a marriage that isn't as strong as it could
10:52
be. And now the last one, although
10:55
I'm going to go back and flush, some of these out is
10:58
open-mindedness, a man does not want to be shamed for his sexual
11:02
desires or his preferences and Nordic women, of course.
11:07
But men frequently have thought more about their sexual
11:11
preferences and desires being. As they have innately higher
11:14
libidos, a majority of the time with in monogamy.
11:16
And so, they don't want to say something like, oh, I really
11:20
would want to try tying you up and the woman's like, ew.
11:23
No, what am I a prisoner? This is the 21st century like,
11:26
no, like that's a little bit much and that's shaming.
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And that makes somebody feel less than and inferior and sad,
11:35
and lonely, and all of the things that portend not very
11:39
good sexual encounter or relationship.
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So, this is why open-mindedness is key.
11:46
Now, the one thing that I would say that women really do not
11:51
understand about what men want and this goes back to the whole
11:56
foreplay thing, the misconception that men don't
11:58
want foreplay is the idea that men do not want there to be
12:04
tenderness or care in bed and that they just want fucking.
12:09
So they don't think that men want the tenderness and the, I
12:15
love yous and the stroking and caressing that the women
12:20
themselves want What I call this is love and care fantasies.
12:28
Love and care fantasies are actually what men in my practice
12:32
seem to want the most. So they want a woman who takes
12:36
time and tells them that they love them and says that they're
12:40
attractive and makes them feel desired.
12:44
Most men do not get to feel desire during the sexual
12:47
experience at all. Most of it is them telling the
12:52
woman, how desirable she is, but the man himself never gets to
12:55
feel that he is wanted. Dated, so, I can link you to my
13:00
love and care fantasies post. This is what many men urine for
13:05
but they feel really embarrassed and stupid saying that they want
13:09
something that seems so not masculine.
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Now, of course, it's masculine the same women that are staunch
13:17
feminists and say that gender roles are all fucked up.
13:21
Usually have a little harder time when the man is being
13:25
vulnerable, then they would really ever It so even if
13:30
intellectually a woman believes that both men and women should
13:34
be vulnerable and should be taken care of.
13:37
It's a little bit harder to do it in practice when women have
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been trained by the exact same quote, patriarchy that men have
13:45
been trained on and that includes this idea of a man as
13:50
always, very strong and able to take care of the woman and not
13:54
really need any care in return. So in bed, Bed.
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A man is then supposed to be very confident and only want to,
14:04
you know, engage in very energetic, physical encounters
14:08
with perennially hard erection, and not really need any sort of
14:14
reassurance and never to be the object of the attention.
14:19
Rather, the woman to be the object of attention.
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This is all the idea. I mean porn is like this, you
14:26
know, and This is the idea behind you know, men that say
14:32
that they want love and care fantasies.
14:34
It's because it goes against the strop and finally they get to be
14:38
the recipient of feeling adored and desired and they can be
14:43
vulnerable themselves. They don't have to be doing to
14:49
rather. They could be the recipient of
14:52
having somebody engage in loving, touch to them with them
14:57
being the The object. This is why men like oral sex so
15:00
much which I can link you to that post as well.
15:04
Women seem to make this all about domination and rarely, is
15:10
it about domination? It can be about domination.
15:13
But there, listen, I'm 40 years old.
15:16
Most of my listeners are around my age.
15:20
Either way, we're not teenagers. Don't listen to that.
15:23
I mean, really, honestly, the thing that most men say to me is
15:27
man Wish you could talk to my young son, 20 years old about
15:30
what, to look for in a woman. So I misspeak, if you're a young
15:34
person, you really should be listening to this, although I
15:38
would probably have to be on Tick, Tock saying this stuff for
15:40
them to listen, but maybe one day, either way what I'm saying
15:45
is for young, young men, that have grown up on internet porn.
15:49
There's all this choking and all this stuff with blow jobs that
15:55
older men really not as As into, that could be okay for a
15:59
variety, but the idea behind why men who are married?
16:03
Tend to want oral sex men who were in their 30s, plus is not
16:07
for Domination as much as for attention and focus and love and
16:14
tenderness. And a woman really trying to do
16:17
what you want for a change and it really is for a change in
16:22
marriage. If you speak too many married
16:24
men, they do not get to do a lot of what they want to do.
16:27
Men say they don't either but you know there are different
16:32
areas in which both people don't get to do what they want to do
16:35
and usually women are the gatekeeper of what goes on in
16:38
bed because they're the gatekeeper of whether it's sex
16:40
happens at all and so men don't really get to have sex be as
16:45
much about them. They're supposed to be just
16:48
happy to have it at all and when you're supposed to be just happy
16:51
to have anything at all. You know you kind of get less
16:54
happy over time. Just like if you say to your
16:57
kid, Did their whining and complaining about dinner and you
17:00
say, well, you should be happy to eat at all.
17:02
Yeah, you have a point but you know that doesn't make them love
17:05
dinner when they didn't love dinner before.
17:07
Same thing with sex. If your husband is asking for
17:10
oral sex and you say, well you ought to be just happy to be
17:12
getting laid while. Yeah you got a point I guess
17:16
it's not a real marriage you know strengthening point and
17:20
over time will be a marriage eroding and bitterness provoking
17:24
point. So this is why men have Disease
17:28
about somebody finally, doing something that they want to do.
17:31
Also, this goes back to the fact that men were always supposed to
17:36
be just lucky to get laid and so throughout their lives, it's not
17:40
like before you when they were young, they had all these women
17:43
that were just trying to meet their needs.
17:46
There usually is a period where like a woman is more trying to
17:50
audition and her adrenaline is pumping, and her hormones are
17:54
pumping. This is called the honeymoon
17:56
stage. But even in the honeymoon stage,
17:59
you know, most men are not the, they're still supposed to be
18:03
getting lucky. That's that's the freight.
18:06
You don't say that a woman is getting lucky.
18:08
And I'll say, oh, I hope I go to the bar tonight and get lucky
18:11
mean. If your woman, you go to the
18:12
bar, you want to get laid. This is not a matter of luck.
18:15
This is a matter of asking somebody, whereas for men, it's
18:18
getting lucky. Okay, fine.
18:20
But with in Intimate Relationships, a man's dream is
18:24
that it should be like he's has to beg to get Lucky all the
18:28
time. He hopes that that went away.
18:30
It's just like masturbation. Most women don't realize that
18:33
the majority of men find it very shameful to have to masturbate
18:38
repeatedly within marriage because the way that they viewed
18:41
marriage was that they would not have to do that anymore that
18:44
would be a relic of their single years one that they don't
18:47
particularly want to revisit. So it would just be the idea of
18:52
masturbating within marriage. Too Many Men is like the idea or
18:56
high libido. Women find it just a shameful of
18:59
a high libido. Woman is supposed to be using
19:02
married. She thinks that she's going to
19:04
be having sex when she wants and not having to rely on a
19:07
vibrator, you know. So this is not a shame anybody
19:11
for masturbation, merely to alert people who are lower
19:15
libido to the fact that masturbation is not a surrogate
19:19
for sex and the eyes of a high libido person.
19:22
In fact, it is considered by many to be like what in the
19:25
hell? Why do I have to be doing this?
19:27
If I have a partner that I love and we're supposed to be trying
19:30
to please each other and we're supposed to find each other
19:32
attractive. So this is, I mean, could be its
19:36
own podcast series is the misconceptions about
19:40
masturbation and its equivalence it low libido.
19:44
People frequently say, well, to the partner will, why don't you
19:46
just masturbate? Because it's not about that.
19:48
It's not about a physical release, it's rather about the
19:52
expression of tenderness of Love of Desire of Ville of
19:57
acceptance. None of these things can be done
20:00
just by masturbating. And in fact, with porn, you can
20:04
get yourself into this dream world, where you do have an
20:08
endless parade of women who look, approving and accepting
20:14
and Desiring. And all that's going to do is
20:17
make you more addicted to that fantasy world of porn and less
20:21
invested in the relationship. So it's bi-directional, I tell
20:25
people, stop masturbating, stop. Using porn so that you could
20:29
focus on your actual sex life but then in their actual sex
20:32
life if the person doesn't want to be with them, well you know,
20:36
I mean then W then you ought to get into couples and Sex Therapy
20:39
is then W, but most people just demoralize go back into porn,
20:43
you know. It's a vicious cycle and I could
20:45
talk about that ad infinitum anyhow back to the topic at
20:51
hand. I frequently you know go off on
20:53
tangents like this but there will be enough pot.
20:57
I'd cast eventually that I can explore all of these topics in
21:01
depth individually, anyhow. The point here is that men want
21:07
to be desired and treated as an object of desire and love and
21:12
somebody who deserves attention physically, emotionally and
21:16
sexually the same as women do. And so this is something to
21:21
understand about why men want floorplan why they want very
21:24
different sorts of interactions in real life.
21:27
Then the quickie that is offered and my analogy in the post would
21:32
be what if a woman said that she wanted to go out to dinner and
21:35
have a nice date night and the man drove at Breakneck speed to
21:38
the restaurant, nearly killed them.
21:40
Yelled at the waiter. Got the meal instantaneously
21:43
encouraged her to shove it down her gullet, as fast as she could
21:47
raced back home, relieve the babysitter then turned to her
21:50
with a smile. And said, had you like dinner?
21:52
How'd you like date night? Isn't that what you've been
21:54
asking for? No, this is a quick Key to men,
21:58
that's the equivalent, that's not what they want.
22:00
They want the long experience, the same as the woman would want
22:03
romantically. Now, if you're a man that does
22:05
not offer this sort of date night, but then expects a long
22:08
drawn-out sexual experience. Well, then you're a fool, right?
22:11
I mean, you gotta give some to get some, and this is why I
22:15
frequently exhort men to up the romance game, if they want the
22:20
woman to up the sex gay, people are just people, nobody's out to
22:24
get anyone, you know? I mean there's bitterness and
22:26
relationships. But usually, if one person moves
22:29
forward, the other person will also move forward.
22:32
It's really hard. After life is beautiful date
22:36
night that let's say a man planned and was so romantic to
22:39
then be cool even in your own mind.
22:42
And with your own conscience about never having sex with him,
22:45
or having sex with him. In some resentful manner, you
22:48
don't want to do that because we guys being nice, he's trying,
22:53
you know, however, if you've been asking for like a date
22:56
night for Less, it's 15 years and the closest you Dad is the
23:00
drive-thru and he never calls a babysitter.
23:02
And you've never gotten flowers and the past two years, then are
23:07
you going to really be up for like giving him a one-hour blow
23:10
job because that's his fantasy? Hell, no, obviously not that
23:14
does not take me to tell you. You know, why would that woman
23:17
want to get out of her comfort zone?
23:20
I don't know. The man certainly isn't.
23:22
So it takes two to tango, which is the really the up?
23:27
Shot and the theme of everything I talked about in couples
23:30
counseling. It's never just one person.
23:32
Is the problem that is a fantasy, that's a fiction to
23:35
people. And either one of those people,
23:37
by the way, could be the one to come forward and really change
23:40
the tenor of the relationship. Whether it's sexually or
23:43
emotionally and I am done with this topic for now, I'm sure I
23:49
will come back to it but I did look at my analytics and half of
23:53
my listeners are men, which I guess would not be a shock since
23:57
I talked. So much about sex within
23:58
marriage but about like two-thirds or three-quarters of
24:02
my blog readers are women. So I was pleasantly surprised.
24:06
So thank you to all my male listeners, thank you to my
24:08
female listeners. And, of course, as I always say,
24:11
if this resonated with you, share it with your partner,
24:15
maybe people are really doing that.
24:17
And maybe that's why I have half men, and half women that are
24:20
listening because people are listening and sharing this
24:22
podcast with their partner. I don't think it's too long.
24:26
I try to keep it bite. Sized.
24:28
I am escaping from my kids right now by recording this thing in
24:31
the bathroom. Which is why it's going a little
24:33
long because I do like my alone time right now for the second,
24:38
but I will, I will have to end and go back to mommy duty and I
24:42
wish you all a great Martin Luther King weekend and talk to
24:46
you guys soon.