Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Should You Protect Your Partner From Themselves?

Transcript

Should You Protect Your Partner From Themselves? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the doctor.
• 0:08
  Psych mom show today. I'm going to be talking about a
• 0:11
  topic that was brought up in my Facebook group.
• 0:13
  So you should always join my Facebook group.
• 0:15
  It is paid, but very cheap. It is for Ninety-Nine a month
• 0:19
  and you get to talk about, you know, these type of topics with
• 0:22
  other people that are interested in them and away from everybody
• 0:27
  who like, see your comments on my major, on my main page.
• 0:31
  So this this thread was about, like, how You help a partner
• 0:36
  when they're struggling with something.
• 0:38
  Like they're eating too much sugar drinking too much.
• 0:41
  Whatever the case may be. Like, how much should you help
• 0:45
  them versus? Like how is that like
• 0:47
  codependent or not letting them live their own life and be as
• 0:51
  you know, independent as whatever is people now, think
• 0:55
  people should be. So anyway, before I get to that,
• 0:58
  you should definitely subscribe to the podcast.
• 1:01
  Coming up on men, with trust issues, which I mean, maybe,
• 1:04
  like, literally, Lee most men and can relate to a lot of
• 1:10
  problems that you may be having with your male partner, if you
• 1:12
  don't understand what's going on.
• 1:14
  And then you just think that he's kind of being a douchebag
• 1:16
  but he's not, he has trust issues.
• 1:17
  I mean it may be both. But anyway, you should subscribe
• 1:21
  to hear that. And of course, the attachment
• 1:23
  Theory podcast my couples, you meet in counseling podcast, like
• 1:26
  all of those, you should subscribe in here.
• 1:29
  So, moving to today's topic. What should you do?
• 1:35
  If your Honor is struggling with something and that behavior that
• 1:39
  they do not like, I mean, this really, it can run the Spectrum
• 1:43
  from like yelling at the kids too much to drinking too much to
• 1:47
  eating, too much to not going to sleep on time to phone addiction
• 1:52
  anything. I mean, like, people struggle
• 1:53
  with shit. Like it's part of being a human
• 1:55
  being. And if you notice that there's
• 1:57
  something wrong and then you tell your partner about it.
• 1:59
  Like how much should your partner actually try to hold you
• 2:02
  accountable? Well, I mean I firmly We believe
• 2:05
  that people should be interdependent and clothes and
• 2:08
  that if the majority of couples in our Western culture, there
• 2:13
  are struggling with being too apart, rather than two together,
• 2:18
  you know, I mean, honestly, especially with smartphone use
• 2:21
  that's like you have your whole Little World in your pocket and
• 2:25
  you you can be doing things and interacting with people and
• 2:28
  doing everything on your phone that your partner really as even
• 2:31
  no idea about. So it's so many, it's so funny.
• 2:34
  How many people will like In a support group for, like
• 2:36
  exercise, but not like, have their spouse.
• 2:39
  Be an accountability partner for exercise, whereas before it was
• 2:42
  so easy to just join and accountability group online,
• 2:47
  like people may have utilized their spouse or even just
• 2:50
  anybody else that they see day-to-day as more of an
• 2:53
  accountability partner. And so it's a very big
• 2:56
  difference. But how can you balance between
• 3:00
  like being up your spouse's ass and being obsessed with like
• 3:03
  every calorie that they eat. And just being kind of
• 3:06
  supportive of their goals. Well, I mean, somebody like, was
• 3:11
  talking in the group about, like, would you like, by would
• 3:15
  you keep alcohol in the house? If your spouse was an alcoholic
• 3:18
  male, like personally, like, you know, I wouldn't, but you would
• 3:22
  be surprised how many people feel like, obviously, like, this
• 3:25
  shouldn't be their problem, you know, like, they still want to
• 3:28
  drink. So they should have a full Barn.
• 3:30
  If the person doesn't want to drink, then they shouldn't drink
• 3:32
  themselves and it's like the same thing with Sweet food.
• 3:36
  So people get addicted to Sugar obviously soda rats and
• 3:39
  experiment, sugars, highly addictive.
• 3:41
  But if somebody says like, I can't be around Oreos because
• 3:45
  I'll eat all of them frequently apart.
• 3:47
  I'll be like, yeah. Well, I like Oreos.
• 3:49
  So just, you know, suck it up. It's so obviously from the way
• 3:53
  that I'm framing this. I don't think that's very nice.
• 3:55
  You know, I don't think that's very supportive and you wouldn't
• 3:58
  do it with your kid or if you would and you do then.
• 4:01
  You should probably maybe think about that a little bit, right?
• 4:04
  So if Our child was like a diabetic and couldn't have
• 4:08
  certain things. Many people would just not, keep
• 4:11
  them in the house. But then there's this idea that
• 4:14
  because your partner is an adult, then they should be able
• 4:17
  to have Infinity self-control with even something they've
• 4:20
  admitted that they're struggling with and they should just kind
• 4:23
  of, you know, be totally independent.
• 4:25
  And just somehow do this in a vacuum.
• 4:28
  I don't believe that. I feel like a close relationship
• 4:31
  comes when you are supportive and when you will, I had some
• 4:34
  podcast. Sacrifice.
• 4:36
  There are ways to positively sacrifice in a relationship and
• 4:39
  one of them could be that if you're with somebody who's
• 4:41
  addicted to Oreos. You just don't eat Oreos, you
• 4:44
  know, I mean shit happens like like you did.
• 4:47
  You just can't see them anymore. Like, okay.
• 4:50
  And if you are the person who will make those sorts of small
• 4:53
  sacrifices, I mean, yeah, everything is subjective.
• 4:57
  But let's look at things broad-scale, like not eating
• 4:59
  Oreos or at least keeping your secret stash of Warriors.
• 5:03
  Really secret away from your spouse was a dick.
• 5:05
  Vittorio's then like if that helps them, then that is in the
• 5:09
  large scheme of life. I feel a relatively small
• 5:12
  sacrifice to make and something that can make your partner feel
• 5:15
  very, very loved and support it. Now, women come all the time.
• 5:20
  And this is why I have a podcast as cold.
• 5:23
  Not a podcast supposed error on the side of protecting your
• 5:26
  wife. Over protecting her instead of
• 5:28
  under protecting her because so many women come in.
• 5:30
  Everybody wants to be a strong independent woman, but yet
• 5:33
  everybody comes into my office and says I wish that my husband
• 5:36
  took more care of me. I wish you looked out for me.
• 5:38
  I wish he protected me of course because we're not meant to be
• 5:41
  strong, independent men or women within a marriage only.
• 5:47
  You're also meant to be interdependent and a team.
• 5:51
  So yes. Women do want to be protected
• 5:54
  and many men want to be protected to from the worst
• 5:56
  parts of themselves. People want to think that you're
• 5:59
  on their side and a loving relationship.
• 6:02
  Not that you're like sitting there like judging from the
• 6:04
  side. I'd kind of just doing you you
• 6:07
  and like, you don't really care what they're struggling with.
• 6:09
  That, is not a way to set up a healthy relationship obviously.
• 6:14
  So what might this look like in terms of protection from the
• 6:17
  worst parts of yourself. So if your wife is like, I and I
• 6:20
  talked about this in that pose, if your wife is always says, I'm
• 6:23
  staying up too late. I'm staying up too late.
• 6:25
  Then why don't you at 10:00 say sweetheart, put down your phone.
• 6:29
  Let's go to sleep right now. Like let's lay down together and
• 6:32
  go to sleep. Because you always say the next
• 6:34
  day that you don't. Good, if you stay up later than
• 6:37
  tap. So so many guys are like, oh,
• 6:40
  yeah, right? If I would say that she would be
• 6:41
  like, fuck you mind your own business.
• 6:43
  Like, you know, I am who I am. No, she wouldn't most women
• 6:47
  wouldn't and if they do they find fucker right at me like
• 6:51
  she's gonna act like an asshole fun.
• 6:53
  Then like be like, all right. Well, I try but many men haven't
• 6:56
  even tried because they have it so much in their mind that it
• 6:59
  wouldn't work because it goes against everything that they've
• 7:01
  learned about, you know, just letting her run the show.
• 7:05
  You know, and she doesn't want to run the show and this is why
• 7:07
  I've written things like stop caring so much what your wife
• 7:10
  thinks which are some of among some of my most popular posts
• 7:13
  because it counters this narrative and so many women
• 7:17
  would love if the guy said that many women would love if the guy
• 7:22
  said and and running sit down, if you don't fall over.
• 7:25
  But many women would love if the guy said, hey, maybe we
• 7:29
  shouldn't keep, you know, Lay's potato chips in the house, you
• 7:34
  know, because you told me that Want to eat them and look,
• 7:37
  you're reading that, you know, and guys like oh fuck, you know,
• 7:40
  I can never talk about her weight.
• 7:42
  I could never say anything. I'm not talking about a
• 7:44
  situation where she's like, totally cool sitting there
• 7:47
  eating lays and you're like, hey, guess what?
• 7:49
  I think that you would look hotter if you stopped eating
• 7:51
  those know. Obviously, that's being an
• 7:53
  asshole. I'm talking about the very
• 7:55
  common situation where the woman is like, literally like I can't
• 8:00
  stop eating potato chips. I feel like a beached whale.
• 8:03
  I feel so bad. About myself.
• 8:06
  Oh my God, and then week, she'll go to the cabinet and get them
• 8:09
  and the guy sits there and looks at her like she never said it
• 8:12
  before. And in that situation.
• 8:15
  Yes, women would want you to say something.
• 8:18
  Yes, for real. And again, if she's like, I
• 8:21
  can't believe that you would say that to me about what I eat.
• 8:23
  It's my body, my choice. Fuck her again, really like say
• 8:27
  to her. Hey, you said, you didn't want
• 8:30
  to eat them. I love you.
• 8:32
  You certainly don't seem happy after you ate a whole bag of
• 8:34
  them. I think you look great either
• 8:36
  way, but you see miserable when you eat these things.
• 8:39
  So first of all, I thought I should mention something.
• 8:41
  Second of all, I think we shouldn't have them in the
• 8:43
  house. And you know, what?
• 8:45
  A lot of women will say thank you.
• 8:46
  I think we shouldn't. I feel so bad about myself.
• 8:49
  After I eat a bag of these that we really shouldn't have them in
• 8:51
  the house. Can you help me?
• 8:54
  If I bring these things in? Can you throw them out?
• 8:57
  There are people who say, things like this in my office?
• 9:01
  It's not fake. So try it.
• 9:04
  Like, literally Hi it and the same thing with exercise or
• 9:08
  anything else. Guys are like, oh she said she
• 9:10
  wants to go to the gym all the time.
• 9:11
  But if I say you should go to the gym right now.
• 9:14
  I can watch the kids. While you go to the gym.
• 9:15
  She's gonna be like, oh you think I'm fat and I'm never
• 9:18
  going to get laid again. Not like I am now.
• 9:20
  Anyway, so first of all, look at the second half of that because
• 9:23
  the woman who is miserable about her weight.
• 9:25
  She's probably not sleeping with you.
• 9:26
  Anyhow, but second of all like how much worse can it get,
• 9:29
  right? She's already unhappy.
• 9:31
  So try it. Say you talked about getting to
• 9:34
  the gym every day can Take the I'm going to take the kids, you
• 9:37
  know, can I take them to you know, the bounce house.
• 9:40
  You go to spin class because I even looked up spin class and
• 9:43
  it's at the time that the Bounce House opens.
• 9:45
  A lot of women will just like be like excited beyond belief that
• 9:50
  you even looked up those two things.
• 9:52
  When does the Bounce House? Open, when its spin class
• 9:55
  already, you'd like, got an A+ for the day because she did it,
• 9:58
  think that you gave a shit to look up either of those things
• 10:00
  or even that you had the capacity to look things up.
• 10:03
  But in the I swear, she really does want to go exercise.
• 10:08
  This will be taken as a very big positive and many women come in
• 10:11
  as we work on their marriages and say.
• 10:13
  Wow. He's really looking out for me.
• 10:15
  He's making sure that I get time to do XYZ, whatever.
• 10:19
  And same thing. He's looking out for me with I
• 10:22
  said, I don't want to keep having a glass of wine every
• 10:24
  night and he's not bought any wine since then or like whatever
• 10:27
  the case may be and it's very much the same for men.
• 10:30
  In fact, men are usually more responsive to this than women
• 10:33
  are because You know, given societal norms and everything.
• 10:37
  Men are less sensitive about the idea of weight.
• 10:42
  So if men gain weight, they'll frequently be much more
• 10:46
  well-adjusted about it than women need to be perfectly
• 10:48
  honest. They don't equate it with that.
• 10:51
  They are like a horrible person in the way that women do if they
• 10:54
  gained 10 pounds men that gained 10 pounds aren't like.
• 10:57
  Now. I am a useless horrible pathetic
• 11:00
  person in the way that women do. I mean, you know, hopefully one
• 11:03
  day we'll get to where women don't feel like that.
• 11:05
  At either. But for now, like, if you are
• 11:07
  husband and said, you know, I really should exercise more.
• 11:10
  And you say, okay, sweetheart. Well, guess what?
• 11:13
  I figured out that like that class that you like to go to
• 11:17
  your CrossFit. You could do that every Monday
• 11:20
  and Wednesday because I'll drop the kids that most men will be
• 11:23
  very appreciative. I mean, I do not know any
• 11:26
  functional like healthy, man, who's going to be like why you
• 11:30
  micromanaging my schedule? Like no, they're gonna be like
• 11:32
  wow. Thanks and again if He doesn't
• 11:35
  if he act like a dick about it, what'd I say about the woman?
• 11:38
  I said, fuck her. So it's good for the goose is
• 11:40
  good for the gander. Fuck him.
• 11:42
  If he acts like an asshole about it, then you said, well, you
• 11:45
  know what? I was just trying to help and
• 11:47
  you know what? That was not a good response.
• 11:49
  I was just trying to help you and at that point, usually the
• 11:53
  man I'll be like, yeah. I know, I just feel kind of
• 11:55
  stupid about it. Like here you are having to be
• 11:57
  my mommy and then you would be like, no.
• 11:59
  I'm not having to be your mommy. I love you.
• 12:01
  You said you want to go to cross that so go to CrossFit and then
• 12:04
  that could be Be the end of that.
• 12:06
  So when I say, fuck it, what I really mean is assert yourself.
• 12:09
  Start a problem about it. If you're trying to be nice,
• 12:12
  this goes beyond this podcast could be its own podcast, but
• 12:16
  could just do a really quick. It's so if you're trying to be
• 12:18
  nice to somebody and they act like an asshole, don't just like
• 12:22
  salt and go away speak up be like, hey, I was trying to do
• 12:26
  something nice for you in this way.
• 12:28
  This way, this way. Apparently, you didn't think so,
• 12:31
  but my intentions were all good. Why did you act like that?
• 12:34
  You know? And then frequently, you'll get
• 12:36
  some actually good responses such as I was ashamed of myself.
• 12:40
  I was a shame that you had to bring up the bag of Lay's or the
• 12:43
  CrossFit or whatever. So I lash out at you and I'm
• 12:45
  sorry and that could be very useful clothes making kind of
• 12:48
  conversation quite honestly. So anyhow, I do firmly believe
• 12:53
  that people should support one another and whatever sorts of
• 12:56
  goals and initiatives, they have because this is your teammate in
• 13:00
  life. And if you cannot be your best
• 13:03
  self, then it It affects everybody in the family.
• 13:07
  So if you have a goal that you think is helping you be your
• 13:09
  best self, then tell your partner, how to support you.
• 13:12
  And if your partner has such a goal, then try your best to
• 13:15
  support that, right. These could be any kind of goal.
• 13:18
  It could be anything from, I want to go to therapy to, I want
• 13:21
  to stop eating so much garbage to.
• 13:23
  I want to learn the violin. I don't care whatever it is.
• 13:28
  If you're a partner, then really commits to helping you in that
• 13:33
  way, then that's Great, and I don't think it's cool depending
• 13:37
  on when were to go over to codependent.
• 13:39
  If somehow it is like really massively badly affecting your
• 13:43
  life significantly. I'm not talking about, you don't
• 13:45
  get to eat Oreos when you want to.
• 13:47
  I'm talking about, like, you start waking up at 4:45, so that
• 13:51
  you can make sure that your spouse goes for a run at five
• 13:54
  before his job starts at six. No, like, that's not like that's
• 13:59
  massively impacting, then your sleep, right?
• 14:02
  I mean, that's that's crazy. Like you could start him off.
• 14:05
  You want to be nice one day, started off the first day, shove
• 14:07
  him out of bed of 445 after that turn around, go to sleep.
• 14:11
  But like, if it is something where you are, not being really
• 14:17
  significantly badly impacted by helping them, then help them.
• 14:23
  I mean same as with a kid, right?
• 14:25
  So like if your child was like wetting the bed and like, you
• 14:30
  know, somebody said, well, here's the way that you can stop
• 14:32
  your child from winning the bed every night, too.
• 14:35
  Alarms for yourself one at 12:30 a.m.
• 14:38
  And wanted 3:30 a.m. And take your child to the
• 14:40
  bathroom. Hopefully you'd be like fuck.
• 14:42
  No, I'm not doing that because then I am going to be a disaster
• 14:45
  and destroy the next day. However, if you the doctor that
• 14:49
  you consulted on this said, what you can do is before your own
• 14:53
  bedtime, you can take your, you know, sleeping child in gently.
• 14:56
  Wake him and have him pee, and then he could get through the
• 14:58
  rest of the night, then you could be like, okay, cool.
• 15:00
  Like, doesn't massively impact me?
• 15:02
  I gotta remember. Okay, but like, Like the net -
• 15:06
  on me is less than the net positive for my child.
• 15:08
  Fine. So that's the way to remember,
• 15:10
  if the net negative on you is less than the net positive to
• 15:14
  your partner of doing, whatever sort of facilitation Behavior.
• 15:18
  You think of doing then do it. If it is a tremendous net
• 15:21
  negative to you more even than the positive would be for them.
• 15:25
  Then that's some codependent stuff that you have to deeply
• 15:29
  exempt. So, like if for example, your
• 15:31
  partner stopping drinking and so therefore he says we can never
• 15:34
  go to a restaurant. Again, because I'll be too
• 15:36
  tempted. Fuck.
• 15:37
  No, you're not doing that. That, that is not what anybody
• 15:40
  in his AA group would tell them to do anyway, so you can also
• 15:44
  reality test on Friends. By the way, you can say, Hey,
• 15:47
  you know my partner, she's going on a diet.
• 15:50
  So she said, oh, we're able to eat in this house and celery and
• 15:54
  carrots. So that's normal.
• 15:55
  Right? And they're gonna be like, no,
• 15:57
  that's crazy. And so you feel like, oh shit,
• 15:59
  that's crazy. You know, maybe I should talk to
• 16:01
  my therapist about be codependent and crazy crazy in
• 16:04
  the Most loving non-pejorative, casual of ways, not as some sort
• 16:08
  of insult. Obviously, I think crazy a lot,
• 16:11
  but I never know if somebody just here in one podcast for the
• 16:14
  first time that they can get psychologist.
• 16:16
  Called people crazy. This is just my colloquial
• 16:18
  expression. This is certainly not going to
• 16:20
  be your DSM diagnosis. There's no diagnosis going on in
• 16:25
  this podcast, by the way. So, anyway, the point being, if
• 16:30
  you can help your partner with whatever their goals are without
• 16:33
  a massive bad impact. All for the family that anybody
• 16:36
  would agree, is excessive, then do it because you want to be a
• 16:40
  mensch which is Jewish for a man.
• 16:42
  But as you know, the real definition is a good person.
• 16:45
  So you want to be a good person and then you are also like
• 16:50
  banking Goodwill, you know, like this is a way that you can show
• 16:54
  in a stressful busy life. You can hear there's like a
• 16:57
  nice. It was presented to you on a
• 17:00
  silver platter. A way to be a good spouse.
• 17:02
  There. It is.
• 17:03
  Spouse is struggling with Something I will help good.
• 17:06
  That is a nice way to think about things and perhaps if you
• 17:09
  happen to be a selfish asshole later on for some other in some
• 17:12
  other dimension than they will. Always remember that you were
• 17:14
  nice about this and they will feel good about you.
• 17:16
  Anyhow much like with parenting you try to do like enough nice
• 17:19
  shit. So that anything that you do
• 17:21
  happen to fuck up is not all that.
• 17:23
  They remember what they think about their childhood.
• 17:25
  You were playing the numbers here.
• 17:27
  Alright, so hopefully this helps you think about this a little
• 17:29
  differently and again sign up because the next one will be the
• 17:32
  men who don't trust podcast. It should be very helpful to
• 17:36
  anybody who is or interact with a man and have a great day guys.