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Q&A: Is My Dom the Problem or Am I? · D/s and BDSM Communication Archives • Loving BDSM

• 0:11
  - You are listening to the loving BDSM podcast.
• 0:13
  Kayla, the Lord's here with the one, the only, the guy
• 0:15
  who can finally see out of both eyes Again, John Brownstone.
• 0:18
  - Kind of, sort of, - Sort of It's better. Yeah.
• 0:21
  You don't look like I beat you up. No.
• 0:23
  Which we don't, we don't want that out there.
• 0:25
  - No, we don't. 'cause you didn't. Right.
• 0:27
  - And I wouldn't. - Right. Right.
• 0:29
  - But, you know Yeah. Your face looks more normal.
• 0:32
  - Yeah. It does. It, my, my face looks normal now.
• 0:35
  I'm, I'm jockeying the broken glasses. Uh
• 0:38
  - Oh. Yes. Yeah.
• 0:39
  - We both are. - And also,
• 0:41
  I've heard you say fuck more times this week than
• 0:46
  probably in the past year or two.
• 0:49
  'cause Yeah. Ev all kinds of things are breaking. Yes. Yes.
• 0:52
  Nothing wants to cooperate. No, no. But we're here
• 0:56
  - We are.
• 0:57
  - So that's what matters. - This isn't broken
• 0:59
  - Yet. . Give us
• 1:00
  - A minute.
• 1:02
  - Uh, that's not what we're talking about at all.
• 1:04
  Uh, this week we're answering a, um,
• 1:07
  question from a submissive who's experiencing conflict
• 1:10
  with their dominant partner, but they don't know if they're
• 1:13
  reacting appropriately or if they are part of the problem.
• 1:17
  It's a complex one. Yeah.
• 1:19
  Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast.
• 1:21
  If you're new here, we help Kors like you have happy,
• 1:23
  healthy power exchange relationships.
• 1:24
  Add the podcast to your favorite podcast app
• 1:26
  so you never miss an episode.
• 1:28
  And if you'd like us to answer your question in an upcoming
• 1:30
  one of these out, you can use our contact page on our
• 1:33
  website loving bdsm.net.
• 1:35
  That's loving bdsm.net.
• 1:37
  Uh, it's actually labeled Ask your questions, .
• 1:40
  Uh, or you can find the link in the show
• 1:42
  notes for this episode.
• 1:44
  Okay. Let's jump into it.
• 1:45
  It's, uh, long kind of con, um, complicated, convoluted.
• 1:49
  I don't know. There's a lot going on. There's,
• 1:50
  - Here's a lot to it. Yeah. Yeah. Here
• 1:51
  - We go.
• 1:52
  I've been dating Adam Dom for about a year.
• 1:54
  He's poly and has a committed
• 1:55
  relationship with someone else.
• 1:57
  I'm not his priority.
• 1:58
  He is the first person I've had a kinky relationship with.
• 2:01
  While he has been doing this for six years while seeing him,
• 2:04
  I notice that he does not enjoy closeness after sex.
• 2:07
  We don't engage in anything too rough.
• 2:09
  I never have any physical wounds or bruises to attend to,
• 2:11
  but I've let him know that I'd enjoy closeness after sex,
• 2:14
  and he will sometimes initiate it.
• 2:15
  But more often than not, he will want to simply leave
• 2:17
  and keep it very short before sex.
• 2:20
  We chat and share openly about other dating
• 2:22
  experiences in life in general.
• 2:23
  And he always tries to be supportive when I
• 2:25
  share life struggles.
• 2:27
  Last time before we met, I asked him, Lola has opinions.
• 2:32
  Last time before we met,
• 2:34
  I asked him if we could spend time together after sex.
• 2:36
  He said, of course. And after we had sex,
• 2:38
  he suggested we leave the house
• 2:39
  and get some cake and coffee.
• 2:41
  He also said that I needed
• 2:42
  to decide in the next 10 minutes if I wanted to do
• 2:44
  that since we had to go get the bus.
• 2:46
  I was completely overwhelmed
• 2:47
  and not really in the right head space to make
• 2:49
  that decision, but I just said, okay, let's do that.
• 2:52
  In the cafe, I realized that I was not doing well,
• 2:54
  and I told him that I really would've needed aftercare.
• 2:57
  His response was that I should have communicated that
• 2:59
  to him right after sex, that I needed longer aftercare.
• 3:02
  And that aftercare is a thing that is always assumed
• 3:04
  to be a given, but nobody ever asks him if he enjoys it.
• 3:07
  And it's a way of putting my own needs on him.
• 3:10
  He is usually able to read my body language
• 3:12
  and I was not doing well.
• 3:13
  At some point, I showed him that I was shaking. He said, no.
• 3:18
  I said that it was very unfair to expect me
• 3:20
  to be assertive right
• 3:21
  after having sex while being in the submissive role.
• 3:24
  And then I needed more time to recover.
• 3:26
  He said that if he lays down
• 3:28
  after sex, he will just fall asleep.
• 3:30
  We ended the conversation by agreeing that he will try
• 3:32
  to take longer after care more into consideration,
• 3:34
  and I will try to communicate it in the right
• 3:37
  moment after sex.
• 3:38
  I also had not eaten well that day,
• 3:40
  and this caused me to be more exhausted than usual.
• 3:43
  He said, I should tell him this
• 3:44
  and he'll make a meal for me.
• 3:46
  . I gotta love Lola.
• 3:48
  I'm starting to realize it is not easy for me
• 3:50
  to communicate these things because I do want to please him
• 3:53
  and not annoy him.
• 3:54
  But when I got home, I realized that his position
• 3:57
  and comments about aftercare really annoyed me regardless
• 4:00
  of the way we left the issue.
• 4:01
  And that his general lack of concern and distance
• 4:03
  after sex has caused me to trust him less,
• 4:05
  especially since it was a total switch
• 4:07
  to the way he acts before.
• 4:09
  I also was hurt because I felt
• 4:10
  that he was looking down at me
• 4:12
  for lacking communication skills
• 4:13
  and not taking responsibility for my own needs.
• 4:16
  Instead of maybe just showing empathy that I wasn't feeling
• 4:18
  so great in many ways, I felt like he was being
• 4:21
  that arrogant poly person
• 4:22
  that mansplained himself into not taking responsibility
• 4:25
  or dodging around the issue,
• 4:26
  because isn't aftercare his responsibility as a dom.
• 4:30
  And even if there is no one way to do aftercare,
• 4:32
  am I really putting my needs onto him by expecting
• 4:35
  that he takes the responsibility?
• 4:37
  We never agreed to skip aftercare.
• 4:39
  We also will cuddle for maybe a minute or two,
• 4:41
  but he has already moved on to the next thing.
• 4:43
  He probably considers this aftercare while I don't,
• 4:47
  I sent him a pretty in your face text message.
• 4:49
  I told him that I would like a deeper connection with him,
• 4:51
  and that being submissive without aftercare is exhausting.
• 4:54
  I asked him why closeness after sex is so difficult for him.
• 4:57
  We basically got into an argument
• 4:58
  and he said that he expects people
• 5:00
  who have a deeper connection to him to be able
• 5:01
  to communicate directly what they need.
• 5:03
  I said that I need to be allowed to communicate the way
• 5:05
  that I can not fulfill his standards.
• 5:07
  Everything else is unrealistic
• 5:09
  and doesn't honor my whole being
• 5:10
  with my weaknesses and strengths.
• 5:12
  I feel like he doubled down on his assholeness
• 5:15
  and confirmed that he was looking down on me
• 5:17
  for not communicating the right way.
• 5:19
  He also said that he wanted to meet,
• 5:20
  to talk about this in person and not via text,
• 5:22
  and told me when I, when I can expect a meeting
• 5:24
  and if I needed to talk it out beforehand,
• 5:26
  we could chat on the phone.
• 5:28
  He also said that for him,
• 5:29
  a deeper connection hadn't evolved yet.
• 5:31
  That it takes time. And he doesn't
• 5:33
  have that with every person.
• 5:34
  I don't really think that this connection is going to last,
• 5:36
  and I don't even know if I want to explain
• 5:38
  to him how not Okay.
• 5:39
  His behavior is. But there's a part of me though,
• 5:41
  who thinks, what if I am not taking enough responsibility,
• 5:45
  my being a teenager who expects my mind to be read
• 5:47
  and then putting my miserable, being miserable onto him,
• 5:51
  did send him that in your face text
• 5:52
  because I was feeling hurt.
• 5:54
  I probably would never have said
• 5:55
  it to him like that in person.
• 5:56
  And I can't tell if it was overkill
• 5:58
  or if I was simply able to communicate my feelings honestly.
• 6:01
  'cause I can write it out. I do feel like his expectations
• 6:03
  of me are unfair, and that he's exploiting the fact
• 6:06
  that I'm submissive and therefore struggle
• 6:07
  with displeasing him so he can get away with not doing a lot
• 6:10
  of aftercare at the same time.
• 6:12
  Am I using my identity as a submissive
• 6:14
  to avoid direct communication and standing up for my needs?
• 6:17
  Please help. There's a lot there.
• 6:20
  - . There's a, there's a lot. There is a lot.
• 6:23
  You are not kidding. Wow.
• 6:24
  - Sorry for anybody who might have zoned out,
• 6:26
  because there's a lot, hopefully we'll hit
• 6:27
  the salient points here.
• 6:29
  - Right, right. - Um, I feel like this is one of those,
• 6:31
  am I the asshole or are they the asshole? And I,
• 6:35
  - I, you know, I I I don't think either one.
• 6:40
  I don't either. All right. There, there,
• 6:42
  there is a a a lot going on.
• 6:45
  Communication on both sides. Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm.
• 6:48
  . Okay. Both sides. Not just one or the other.
• 6:51
  Both. And I'm, I'm gonna say this, this straight out
• 6:55
  because listening to this, you know, I, I don't see any
• 7:00
  like glaring red flags Mm-Hmm.
• 7:02
  Jumping out in, in, in any of this. Mm-Hmm.
• 7:06
  And I, I think what we're really got here is,
• 7:09
  is just an incompatibility.
• 7:11
  Yes. Okay. Yes.
• 7:13
  Because, you know, let, let's face it,
• 7:16
  and we talked about this in earlier episodes about
• 7:18
  hierarchy of needs.
• 7:19
  Mm-Hmm. in kink. Mm-Hmm.
• 7:20
  - , I'll link to that in the
• 7:21
  Mm-Hmm. in the show
• 7:23
  - And places, you know, to, to this person.
• 7:25
  It sounds like aftercare is something
• 7:28
  that's very important to them. Oh,
• 7:30
  - Yeah. I think that's very clear.
• 7:31
  - Yeah, for sure. I mean, it, it, it's very clear that,
• 7:33
  that this person, you know, states that, you know,
• 7:37
  aftercare is needed or at least in some, into some depth.
• 7:41
  Right. Okay. Um, more than a couple minutes. Mm-Hmm.
• 7:44
  . And, and to him aftercare
• 7:47
  is not that big of a deal.
• 7:48
  - And I thought it was a little telling
• 7:50
  that there was a little bit of a whiny rant about
• 7:53
  how people expect aftercare from him
• 7:55
  and just put it on him like he's supposed to do it,
• 7:57
  but what about how he feels?
• 7:59
  And it's a, yeah. Look,
• 8:02
  - I know, I know that
• 8:03
  - I, that I don't consider that a red flag.
• 8:06
  I do consider that a Oh, you clearly have some feelings here
• 8:09
  that you haven't talked about with somebody at
• 8:11
  - Some book.
• 8:12
  Yeah. Or, or, or some kind
• 8:13
  of misconception of what Yeah. What
• 8:14
  - Aftercare is. Yeah, yeah.
• 8:15
  - Yeah. So, you know, yeah.
• 8:17
  There, there, there is a lot going on
• 8:20
  and I, you know, he does tell this person
• 8:22
  that they are not his priority.
• 8:25
  - Yeah. That's, that can't be easy to
• 8:28
  - Hear. No.
• 8:29
  - And it's, and they, they didn't say that,
• 8:31
  that he said they weren't the priority.
• 8:33
  I think they just know based on whatever. Yeah.
• 8:35
  And maybe they did say it, but to they,
• 8:39
  I guess he was being honest when he said
• 8:40
  that they hadn't developed
• 8:42
  - A deeper connect, deeper connection.
• 8:44
  - Yeah. No. The submissive states at the very beginning,
• 8:47
  I am not his priority, but they never
• 8:48
  - Say.
• 8:49
  Yeah, that's true. He told me, said that told Yeah, you're
• 8:51
  - Right.
• 8:52
  Either they've gleaned that or maybe he has told them. Yeah.
• 8:55
  But either way, they Mm-Hmm.
• 8:56
  , regardless of how what he has said to them,
• 8:59
  they are walking away with I am not his priority.
• 9:02
  Yeah. And I feel like that's kind of coming through
• 9:04
  - Here.
• 9:05
  It it is, it is definitely coming through.
• 9:07
  Um, you know, it's, it, it can be tough
• 9:11
  balancing multiple relationships
• 9:14
  - As a practicing poly dom.
• 9:16
  You kind of know .
• 9:17
  - Yeah. Um, it, it is, it is tough.
• 9:20
  Um, you know, we have a, a sort
• 9:24
  of a unique situation.
• 9:26
  Mm-Hmm. as far as you and I, we are married.
• 9:29
  You and my baby girl, submissive .
• 9:34
  You are my business partner in multiple
• 9:38
  mm-Hmm. Ventures.
• 9:40
  - We take care of a family together.
• 9:41
  - We, we take care of a family and a home together.
• 9:43
  - Right. We are, as you know, we are as tight, as
• 9:46
  - Tight, be as interconnected as can be.
• 9:47
  Mm-Hmm. . And, you know, it's, it's hard
• 9:51
  to step away from those things.
• 9:53
  Mm-Hmm. . Okay.
• 9:55
  And, and yet when I go
• 9:58
  and see the person that I'm currently seeing, I try to
• 10:02
  make them the priority Right.
• 10:04
  For the time we have. Right.
• 10:06
  - And I do my part to let you do that. Mm-Hmm.
• 10:09
  like, short of an emergency,
• 10:11
  you're not gonna really hear from me. Right.
• 10:13
  - Unless, I mean, you, you, you even told me, he said,
• 10:16
  you know, if, if something major happens
• 10:18
  or somebody's sick or dying, you know? Right.
• 10:21
  - I'm gonna leave you alone outside of that. Yeah. Yeah.
• 10:23
  - So, you know
• 10:26
  - What, but that means that's, that means that when you're
• 10:29
  with your part, your other partner, you're like you said,
• 10:31
  you're making them the priority so
• 10:33
  that they feel like they have your attention. I
• 10:35
  - I try to do my best. You know, right now
• 10:37
  - I don't get any indication based on what's been said here.
• 10:41
  Mm-Hmm. . That that's not what they're doing.
• 10:43
  I think it's, I, the little bit I might glean from it is,
• 10:47
  okay, well, when we're, once we're done
• 10:48
  with like our kinky sex or whatever,
• 10:50
  he's kind of ready to move on.
• 10:51
  Mm-Hmm. . Well then my question is, move on to
• 10:52
  what, move on to other activities with this partner
• 10:55
  or move on with the rest of his life and leave and be done.
• 10:57
  Right. And I think that the, the answer to that
• 11:02
  determines the connection
• 11:05
  and the prioritizing and all of that.
• 11:07
  Mm-Hmm. . Mm-Hmm. .
• 11:08
  Um, ultimately, ultimately this is a serious
• 11:11
  failure of communication. Oh, yeah. So
• 11:14
  - Absolutely.
• 11:15
  - I, it, I take from here, they have tried
• 11:17
  to have conversations about aftercare,
• 11:19
  but I don't know that those
• 11:20
  conversations were very detailed.
• 11:22
  Mm-Hmm. This is exactly what I would like,
• 11:24
  this is what I'm looking for.
• 11:26
  This is what aftercare means to me.
• 11:28
  You know, talking about it beforehand, well in advance.
• 11:31
  Having it sort of baked in so it's understood every time.
• 11:35
  Right. There needs to be aftercare. Mm-Hmm.
• 11:37
  , did that conversation
• 11:38
  ever actually take place?
• 11:40
  - It does not sound like it. It does not.
• 11:42
  And, and it also sounds like what
• 11:45
  has been talked about there, there is no, you know, the,
• 11:50
  the submissive has an idea of what aftercare should be.
• 11:54
  The big D has an idea of
• 11:56
  what aftercare is to them and also doesn't
• 11:58
  - Seem to enjoy it anyway.
• 11:59
  Right. And how he has his feelings about it.
• 12:02
  - And not everybody does.
• 12:03
  - No, but the thing is, is aftercare is aftercare should
• 12:07
  to me, can and should be
• 12:09
  provided by both sides of the slash Right.
• 12:10
  Sure. What that looks like is different in every situation.
• 12:13
  Mm-Hmm. And for everybody Mm-Hmm.
• 12:14
  Because it's uniquely personal. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 12:16
  But aftercare provided by the dom to the submissive,
• 12:20
  especially when there's been a power exchange or Mm-Hmm.
• 12:23
  , their submissive has been on the receiving
• 12:24
  end of kinky Acts is one to kind of help them come back
• 12:28
  to the headspace, but two, to make sure
• 12:30
  that they are healthy and good and Right.
• 12:32
  It is not, it can be,
• 12:34
  but it is not just for Give me a quick cuddle Yeah.
• 12:37
  And let me know I'm cared for. It's Mm-Hmm.
• 12:39
  , it's, lemme make sure you're
• 12:40
  fucking okay here.
• 12:41
  Okay. Yeah. And so for the dom to kind of go,
• 12:42
  well, I don't really care about aftercare.
• 12:44
  Well, you don't care about making sure you're Mr.
• 12:45
  A partner is doing okay.
• 12:47
  - And, and the thing is, for some people too, you know,
• 12:50
  they, they may be fine right after a scene Mm-Hmm.
• 12:53
  and then a day or two later right.
• 12:55
  Is when they, they will drop.
• 12:57
  Now to, to me, the, the glaring thing in this too is
• 13:01
  that they are not, you know,
• 13:02
  aside from the glaring incompatibility. Yeah.
• 13:05
  - I think they're very incompatible. The,
• 13:06
  - The, the only other thing that, you know,
• 13:09
  could possibly rectify this to, to a certain extent
• 13:14
  is the fact that no one's willing to compromise.
• 13:17
  It seems, and I, to
• 13:18
  - To to kind of, it, it does not, I don't,
• 13:20
  I don't see any discussion happening.
• 13:22
  Okay. How do we meet in the middle
• 13:23
  so everybody gets what they need.
• 13:25
  Yeah. Um, the other thing that I,
• 13:30
  I empathize with the submissive.
• 13:31
  They don't wanna speak up
• 13:32
  because they don't wanna be an annoyance.
• 13:34
  Mm-Hmm. . Well, my first question is, is that
• 13:35
  because your dominant partner is making you feel
• 13:38
  like you are ?
• 13:39
  Or is this something you've internalized
• 13:41
  from past relationships?
• 13:42
  What you think a submissive is supposed to be?
• 13:44
  You know Mm-Hmm. just who you are
• 13:47
  and what you've experienced in life.
• 13:49
  So that's the first thing. The, the dominant seems
• 13:51
  to be saying, I need clear, concise communication.
• 13:54
  Right. And the submissive isn't there yet. Now. Mm-Hmm.
• 13:57
  , I think it is an individual's responsibility
• 14:00
  to learn what you can about communication skills Sure.
• 14:03
  And improving your own skills. Mm-Hmm. .
• 14:05
  But also the only way we really improve is to practice.
• 14:07
  Exactly. And so this person,
• 14:09
  the submissive needs to gain those skills.
• 14:11
  They need to work, work on those skills, but
• 14:12
  that dominant needs to be willing to go, okay,
• 14:14
  I see you're struggling here.
• 14:15
  How can I help you? Let me ask some
• 14:17
  - Questions.
• 14:18
  Let me curious about what you're trying to tell exactly.
• 14:20
  Because as, as the dominant in in the relationship,
• 14:23
  you are the one who technically takes the lead. Right?
• 14:26
  - You're leading, you have control and power.
• 14:28
  - You're leading, you have, you've negotiated the, the power
• 14:31
  and, and you know, whatever else you have.
• 14:33
  And you know,
• 14:35
  you had trouble communicating in the beginning. Right.
• 14:38
  - So we found workarounds,
• 14:39
  - We, we found workarounds and,
• 14:41
  and I made it comfortable for you Right. To want to
• 14:44
  - Communicate.
• 14:45
  And if I was not telling you something directly, this
• 14:46
  to me is, is a top tip for all dominance out there
• 14:49
  with a submissive who struggles to communicate.
• 14:53
  You would just ask direct questions. Yeah. You got curious.
• 14:57
  Like, I'm not, and maybe it's, maybe it's
• 15:00
  because the con quote connection is not there.
• 15:02
  Maybe it's because he's not making this a
• 15:04
  partner a priority, whatever it is.
• 15:05
  Mm-Hmm. , I am not getting that this
• 15:08
  dominant partner is curious enough to say,
• 15:12
  what do you need from aftercare?
• 15:14
  How are you feeling? Right.
• 15:16
  - And that, and I think that dips back
• 15:19
  to her not feeling like a
• 15:20
  - Priority.
• 15:21
  Them we don't know of them. Yeah. Right.
• 15:22
  Um, one thing that kind of struck me,
• 15:25
  and I, I, I want, I want to be kind and considerate
• 15:30
  and empathetic to the submissive
• 15:33
  who has clearly struggled here.
• 15:34
  Mm-Hmm. , I want to push back a bit on my
• 15:37
  partner should not expect me to be assertive
• 15:40
  after I've been in the submissive head space.
• 15:43
  Everybody has their own way and personality. Mm-Hmm.
• 15:46
  and, and how submission affects them.
• 15:48
  And so it is entirely possible
• 15:52
  that it takes you a hot minute
• 15:54
  to come out of submissive headspace.
• 15:56
  And maybe that's part of how, what aftercare needs
• 15:58
  to be to let you do that.
• 15:59
  But it is not a partner's responsibility
• 16:04
  to expect you that you will
• 16:06
  or will not speak up about your own needs.
• 16:07
  Mm-Hmm. if, you know, you struggle with that,
• 16:10
  if you know that after a scene
• 16:12
  or some kinky sex where you were really feeling your
• 16:14
  submissive self, that it takes you a minute to kind
• 16:16
  of come back and go, okay, I can assert myself,
• 16:19
  I can speak on my behalf.
• 16:20
  Right. That has to be part of the discussion of, Hey,
• 16:23
  I need this aftercare to get me into that.
• 16:25
  And you, and some of this stuff you can't discuss
• 16:27
  until you learn it about yourself.
• 16:29
  Right. But in this e very long email that came through,
• 16:33
  they said, well, he should just know
• 16:35
  that I'm not gonna be assertive.
• 16:36
  No, no, no, no, no. Mm-Hmm. Once you figure that out about
• 16:40
  yourself and you realize you're still not getting
• 16:43
  what you need or you're not feeling heard
• 16:45
  and seen, then it is your responsibility as the submissive
• 16:48
  to go, Hey, here's what I'm learning about myself.
• 16:51
  And of course, you have to do it outside of the scene
• 16:53
  and outside of the moment because you have
• 16:54
  to wait till you're coming back to yourself.
• 16:57
  I can't be as straightforward
• 17:01
  and assertive as you need me to be, to make decisions.
• 17:05
  Right. I can't do that in, in a few minutes. I, I'm mm-Hmm.
• 17:09
  , whether it's your wiring
• 17:10
  or it's the headspace, I need some time
• 17:13
  to come back to myself.
• 17:14
  Sure. It sounds like
• 17:17
  I really feel like these two people are like
• 17:20
  at cross purposes.
• 17:21
  They are, they're on the different sides of the slash
• 17:24
  but they are not on the same path towards
• 17:25
  - One another.
• 17:26
  - No. You know, he seems to want a very specific type
• 17:29
  of person, has very specific types of expectations
• 17:32
  and is not seeming to work
• 17:35
  with this his submissive partner on getting them to
• 17:40
  that point where his expectations can
• 17:43
  get closer to being met.
• 17:44
  Mm-Hmm. at the same time.
• 17:47
  Maybe it's because they're a new submissive.
• 17:49
  I would definitely say as they admit towards the end, they
• 17:52
  struggle to communicate.
• 17:53
  They are not being clear with their dominant partner.
• 17:57
  Mm-Hmm. , it's a, I don't,
• 17:58
  I don't have a problem that they
• 18:01
  got away from the situation, went home,
• 18:03
  thought about the conversation that took place and Mm-Hmm.
• 18:07
  sent off an angry text.
• 18:08
  I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Yeah.
• 18:10
  I think that that's pretty common for people who, especially
• 18:13
  for people who struggle to communicate clearly in the moment
• 18:16
  because you're having to deal with all
• 18:18
  of the stimuli coming at you from this conversation.
• 18:20
  What do I actually think? And
• 18:21
  I don't know, and that sounds good.
• 18:22
  And then you get away where you can be kind of quiet
• 18:25
  and with your own thoughts and then you think through it
• 18:27
  and you go, what the hell?
• 18:29
  No, I'm not okay with that. Mm-Hmm. .
• 18:30
  And we as individuals on any side of any slash get
• 18:34
  to come back to a conversation
• 18:35
  and say, you know, we talked about that thing
• 18:38
  and in the moment, yeah, I know what I said.
• 18:39
  I should not have said that. Here's
• 18:40
  how I'm feeling right now.
• 18:42
  Upon further reflection, we all get that ability, everybody.
• 18:46
  Right. So taking that opportunity
• 18:49
  and saying how you felt once you had time to sort
• 18:52
  of process, you're not wrong for that at all.
• 18:55
  Um, but I do think that the lessons need
• 18:58
  to start being learned here about what is
• 19:02
  the submissive partner's responsibilities,
• 19:05
  what is the dominant partner's responsibilities?
• 19:07
  And I think some are a little bit of, I hate to say this
• 19:11
  'cause it means people have
• 19:13
  to assume things and I don't like that.
• 19:14
  But some things are kind of a given aftercare
• 19:16
  for a submissive partner is the dom's responsibility
• 19:20
  to provide because the submissive partner was on the
• 19:23
  receiving end of some shit .
• 19:25
  So that aftercare needs to be within the boundaries
• 19:28
  of the dominant partner,
• 19:30
  but needs to be focused on the submissive
• 19:32
  and what they need to get themselves back to
• 19:34
  where they can function again.
• 19:35
  Mm-Hmm. , that does not mean
• 19:36
  that a dominant partner does not deserve aftercare.
• 19:39
  It does mean that that aftercare either will not come from
• 19:42
  that submissive or cannot come from that submissive
• 19:44
  until they're able to function again.
• 19:47
  Mm-Hmm. , depending on what their needs are
• 19:50
  for aftercare, I think that, you know,
• 19:53
  the most telling part is this person knows they're not a
• 19:56
  priority and their do is said
• 19:58
  after a year, well, we don't have that connection.
• 20:01
  Mm-Hmm. . Well when the fuck are you gonna
• 20:02
  develop that connection?
• 20:03
  Yeah. After a year.
• 20:05
  I feel like the answer's there now
• 20:07
  for the submissive partner,
• 20:08
  they hit the nail on the head about kind of
• 20:11
  what works for them.
• 20:12
  And if they wanted to continue with this dominant partner,
• 20:16
  this is the conversation they said,
• 20:19
  I am communicating better in writing.
• 20:21
  Mm-Hmm. , then you need to use writing. Right.
• 20:23
  Until you, maybe you never can,
• 20:26
  but until you get to a point
• 20:27
  where your communication skills allow you
• 20:29
  to verbalize it in some way Mm-Hmm.
• 20:31
  use other methods. Right.
• 20:33
  And your dominant partner who wants that clear communication
• 20:37
  to me, ought to be willing to go, this is what you need,
• 20:40
  this is what will get me the clear
• 20:42
  communication that I require.
• 20:44
  Go for it. Mm-Hmm. , let's do it that way.
• 20:46
  It's a valid form of communication
• 20:48
  and for some people it's, it's gonna be easier.
• 20:51
  I still to this day,
• 20:52
  after all these years, way
• 20:53
  better at writing out my thoughts.
• 20:55
  Oh yeah. Because I can edit
• 20:56
  and I can make sure I'm saying what I actually mean
• 20:58
  and I can organize my thoughts and I can go over it 85 times
• 21:02
  before I hit send or hit print
• 21:04
  or hand you the piece of paper, two
• 21:07
  or three of them double-sided with my loopy handwriting.
• 21:10
  Like whatever. It's
• 21:12
  - Right.
• 21:13
  - , that's a valid form. Yeah. I'm with you.
• 21:16
  I don't think anybody here is displaying a single
• 21:19
  like true red flag.
• 21:20
  Mm-Hmm. . I think other people could, you know,
• 21:22
  reasonable people could disagree
• 21:23
  based on your own experiences.
• 21:25
  Mm-Hmm. . But based on
• 21:26
  how it's being described, I think these are two sters
• 21:30
  who are at different points in their kink life
• 21:32
  and there's not enough binding them together Right.
• 21:37
  For them to figure out how to meet each other,
• 21:41
  where the other is at.
• 21:42
  Mm-Hmm. like to me, a dominant
• 21:45
  who really wants to be with that submissive Mm-Hmm.
• 21:46
  and is like really invested
• 21:47
  in that relationship. They're,
• 21:48
  - They're gonna put the effort into it. Yeah.
• 21:50
  - And they're gonna be like, look, I know you
• 21:51
  don't have the skills yet, right?
• 21:52
  Mm-Hmm. , I'm gonna keep that in mind.
• 21:54
  I might even help you develop those skills. Right? Mm-Hmm.
• 21:57
  , I'm gonna work within
• 21:58
  your communication style.
• 22:00
  I'm gonna ask more fucking questions.
• 22:03
  I'm gonna get curious
• 22:04
  because I know you don't have these skills yet.
• 22:06
  Yeah. At the same time, the submissive has
• 22:10
  to take the responsibility to learn those things has
• 22:13
  to, you know, realize.
• 22:14
  And some of this just comes with time
• 22:15
  and experience that Mm-Hmm.
• 22:16
  , you know, uh, communicating your wants
• 22:19
  and needs is not you being annoying.
• 22:21
  No. Saying you don't like something
• 22:23
  that your dominant did is not being annoying.
• 22:25
  The question I have on that line somewhere in here
• 22:28
  where they were like, I worried about being annoying.
• 22:31
  The question, the follow up question I would have is, is
• 22:33
  that because that's the vibe
• 22:35
  you're getting from your partner?
• 22:36
  Mm-Hmm. or is that some insecurity you have
• 22:39
  for outside of this relationship and you worry about that?
• 22:42
  Mm-Hmm. , those are two separate things. Sure.
• 22:45
  Because one, you just get the practice
• 22:47
  and you, you have a partner who you know, you feel safe with
• 22:51
  and you learn to trust and
• 22:52
  so then you kind of overcome that.
• 22:54
  Or you have a partner who makes you feel like an annoyance.
• 22:57
  And to me, that's all the
• 22:59
  information you need at that point.
• 23:00
  - Mm-Hmm. - . Yep. What are you doing in this
• 23:02
  relationship with a partner who treats you like your wants
• 23:05
  and needs are annoying.
• 23:06
  Yeah. It doesn't make them a bad person.
• 23:08
  It makes you fundamentally incompatible. So Yeah.
• 23:13
  I'm, if I were telling this person should,
• 23:16
  should you even try?
• 23:17
  Mm-Hmm. , I mean, it's easy to be on the
• 23:20
  outside and go I why?
• 23:22
  Yeah. But Yeah. You know, it's,
• 23:26
  - I mean the thing is, you know, if, if they
• 23:29
  really do wanna try Mm-Hmm.
• 23:31
  and say they put their all into it. Mm-Hmm.
• 23:32
  , um, you know, that's fine.
• 23:35
  There's nothing wrong with that. And a lot of people need
• 23:38
  that to know that they have done everything they can.
• 23:40
  Right. Absolutely. You know,
• 23:41
  before they can, you know, break away from a situation.
• 23:45
  So, you know, that being said, if this is really something
• 23:47
  that you want to try to continue with this person, you need
• 23:50
  to work on the communication.
• 23:51
  Mm-Hmm. . Okay. Absolutely.
• 23:53
  Communication, um, you know, text,
• 23:56
  - You can't tell tone - From text.
• 23:58
  You can't tell tone and, and, and you know, in, um,
• 24:01
  - Intention, - Intention inflection.
• 24:03
  Mm-Hmm. type of thing from, from text,
• 24:06
  you know, email a little better, you know,
• 24:08
  because you can Right.
• 24:09
  You, you have enough space to
• 24:12
  - Yeah, yeah, yeah, - Yeah.
• 24:13
  Express yourself per se.
• 24:15
  So, you know, there, there needs
• 24:17
  to be definite communication.
• 24:20
  Um, and from, from everything that I've heard in all this,
• 24:25
  there needs to be some meeting in the middle.
• 24:27
  - Yeah. And there can't be assumptions on either side. No.
• 24:29
  There's no, assuming that this is fully a dominance
• 24:32
  responsibility, there are some things that Yes.
• 24:35
  It, it falls under Mm-Hmm.
• 24:36
  the dom job description.
• 24:38
  But you as a submissive are still responsible
• 24:40
  for making sure that you advocate for yourself.
• 24:43
  Right. You speak up for yourself, you let your partner know,
• 24:46
  Hey, I didn't quite get what I needed.
• 24:48
  It doesn't mean you'll do it perfectly.
• 24:50
  It doesn't mean that the first couple times you might not be
• 24:52
  like, shaken in your boots and like nervous sweat
• 24:55
  and just like up to try to do it.
• 24:57
  Of course, of course it gets easier with time
• 25:00
  and with a partner who sort of encourages that, right?
• 25:02
  Yeah. But no, no, no.
• 25:04
  We do not walk around assuming a dominant just knows No.
• 25:07
  'cause you gave them three words. Mm-Hmm mm-Hmm. One time.
• 25:10
  Mm-Hmm. But on the flip side,
• 25:12
  we do not walk around dominance.
• 25:14
  You do not walk around assuming that your partner just
• 25:16
  - Right.
• 25:17
  Whatever. I mean, you know, they, they did say in,
• 25:19
  in the question about how, you know,
• 25:20
  they know body language, you know,
• 25:22
  I know your body language too.
• 25:24
  Mm-Hmm. . But even
• 25:25
  that is not, it's not perfect.
• 25:26
  It, it, it's not perfect. You know, all it takes is, is
• 25:30
  to read something wrong.
• 25:31
  Mm-Hmm. . And, and you may have yourself in a,
• 25:34
  in, you know, some space you don't wanna be in.
• 25:38
  Right. Giant trouble.
• 25:39
  You know, it, it is better to say the thing
• 25:44
  - Better to over communicate at this point.
• 25:46
  Yeah. Yeah. There may come a time where you don't need that
• 25:50
  as much and Mm-Hmm.
• 25:51
  , some things do become understood
• 25:53
  as the shorthand of your relationship,
• 25:55
  and so you need to speak up when something
• 25:57
  is different than usual.
• 25:58
  Right. But you know,
• 26:00
  if you are this far into a power exchange
• 26:02
  and aftercare is still not happening at a level
• 26:06
  that you feel that you need to process
• 26:10
  and move on, then there's been a breakdown of communication,
• 26:13
  which based on what we've read, it feels like it.
• 26:16
  Right. And, and or 'cause both can be true.
• 26:19
  A total incompatibility. Yeah.
• 26:21
  And there's no point in continuing forward if,
• 26:24
  like you said, you can't find some middle ground to meet in.
• 26:27
  Mm-Hmm. like, yes, you struggle
• 26:28
  with communication and you Dom wants a certain
• 26:31
  type of communication.
• 26:32
  Well, if that's what they want from you, then to me,
• 26:35
  what they need to do is to help you get there.
• 26:37
  Right. Like, that's just, that's just how that
• 26:38
  - Works.
• 26:39
  And that, and that's kind of the thing.
• 26:40
  I mean, you know, with, with the dominant,
• 26:42
  once you take on the responsibility of a submissive,
• 26:44
  you know, you, you know it, it's not all about the fun
• 26:48
  and games the whole time.
• 26:49
  Right. You know, you, you are there
• 26:52
  to basically help each other.
• 26:54
  Yes. You know, grow and, and, and, and,
• 26:57
  - But as a dominant, if you have
• 26:59
  specific want things you want from a submissive partner
• 27:01
  that they are willing to give you Mm-Hmm.
• 27:03
  , then it is your job
• 27:04
  to help them get to that point.
• 27:06
  Yes. Like we're all adults here,
• 27:07
  and so a submissive partner needs to be the adult
• 27:09
  and go practice that or learn or get the resources
• 27:11
  or whatever, whatever, whatever.
• 27:13
  Right. Mm-Hmm. . But you dole dom have certain
• 27:17
  criteria you want your submissive to meet,
• 27:19
  then it is your job to help them do that.
• 27:21
  Yeah. Simple as that. Yep. So yeah, this was complicated.
• 27:25
  , uh, I don't think there are any
• 27:27
  easy or right answers.
• 27:28
  No, no. Um, but personally I don't.
• 27:31
  I think there's an incompatibility
• 27:32
  issue now. Yeah. That's just me.
• 27:34
  - Yeah. I agree. Mm-Hmm. ,
• 27:35
  - Thanks for listening to this week's q and a episode.
• 27:38
  If you want us to answer one of your questions,
• 27:39
  just use the contact page on our website@lovingbdsm.net,
• 27:43
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• 27:45
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• 27:47
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• 27:50
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• 27:52
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• 27:59
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• 28:01
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