Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Let Your Wife Make The Kid Decisions... Unless She Is Consumed By Anxiety

Transcript

Let Your Wife Make The Kid Decisions... Unless She Is Consumed By Anxiety · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today we're going to be talking about why you
• 0:11
  should let your wife make the kid decisions, unless you guys
• 0:14
  consumer to buy anxiety, and what that really looks like.
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  So the point about okay, so what do I mean, by all the kid
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  decisions? All the kids decisions means
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  like, where they go to school. What sports they play?
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  What book do you read? What do you feed them?
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  You know, like all this micromanagement of Of shit that
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  like most men are like, what the fuck?
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  Who cares, you know, I mean, some men were really rigid and
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  anxious and OCD not OCD ocpd. Some of them are OCD.
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  Also, ocpd in a rigid as fuck. You could listen to my podcast
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  about that and they have, like, all sorts of fucking opinions
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  about stuff. But, you know, the majority of
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  men don't really care if you are going to read this book or that
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  book or bedtime is 8:00 or 8:15, or nap time as one or You were
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  doesn't exist you know and so when men do care about that it's
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  anomalous and usually linked to a fair amount of rigidity.
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  However when women care it's much more normative for women to
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  be the primary caretaker and for them to get really invested in
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  these decisions. Why?
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  Evolutionarily? Well, a lot of reasons, but the
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  number one is men can have Infinity babies and women can't.
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  So, you know, biologically women are much more invested in.
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  In the finite amount of children that they can biologically have,
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  you know? And that just is what it is and
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  if you disagree with that, then we're probably, you know, not
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  compatible in terms of our podcast or podcast, you
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  relationship. So that's just a basic premise
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  is that women give more of a shit and that's fine.
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  But when men get like upset about other aspects about the
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  relationship, sometimes, they don't even know.
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  They're being spiteful. And instead they started.
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  Fucking with her on certain things.
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  Like oh, you need Nap all the time, like they need to NAB,
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  maybe they don't need to know, maybe we should get rid of an
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  app like fuck you, you know what do you care if you're four years
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  old still naps or doesn't nap, you know like it is this like a
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  big picture sort of thing or are you just trying to be an asshole
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  because you're mad that you're not getting laid?
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  Probably it's the latter. And so if you do want to get
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  laid and you do want your wife to be, you know, tractable and
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  pliable and not in a handmade tail kind of Way.
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  But in a way where she doesn't act like she hates you, then,
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  you know, be nice about the shit that she cares about the most,
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  which is literally naptime. Literally, like, that is what
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  many women with naptime age children care about the most.
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  Particularly, if they are highly sensitive people, they need the
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  kids to go down more than you've ever needed anything in your
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  life. And so, you know, I mean, just
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  like Let It Go biologically. They are supposed to give a lot
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  of a shit about this stuff and actually like, it should be Good
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  that you picked a good wife, who is a good mother to your
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  children and really cares on a deep visceral level, whether
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  they go to public school or private school, you know.
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  And if you don't have enough other things going on that this
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  turns into something where there's too many cooks in the
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  kitchen, then I've seen this go very bad, so Hobbies or your
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  career, or friendships, or whatever the hell so therapy for
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  yourself self growth in whatever way.
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  Go run some triathlons, whatever it is, that could make you like
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  not fight her on kid decisions is a positive because it really
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  is a too many cooks in the kitchen, sort of situation and
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  mothers, nowadays do not have to keep their children safe from,
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  you know, predatory animals. Like, they don't have to keep
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  their kids safe from like a tiger about to eat them in the
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  wilderness. So instead, they take all of
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  that evolutionary protective energy and they focus it on
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  where a little Addison is going to go to summer camp and if you
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  intervene she's just gonna hate you you know, and it's going to
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  be a massive empathic rupture and later in life.
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  She will say things like we never should have, let her go to
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  that Sleepaway Camp because that was the beginning of her social
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  anxiety. And I let you push me into that.
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  All right, now, obviously, there's exceptions to every Rule
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  and obviously this one I already told you what the exception is.
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  So what is the only? Lee case in which I you should
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  not get more invested in your career. / triathlons as a
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  deterrent for getting too involved in the mine.
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  Usha of Madison schooling, the situation in which your wife has
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  clinical levels of anxiety. And she is always walking around
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  with a frown. And she looks always like there
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  is a catastrophe. Looming and her facial
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  expression, is like that woman in the sequel to the movie,
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  quiet where they are. Like, you know, basically a
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  Gaping from Alien Predator monsters.
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  And that's what it is, like, to talk to her about, when the kid
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  should eat dinner, because she is so massively, Paralyzed by
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  anxiety that she cannot function.
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  And the children are learning to fear the world and fear people,
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  and, and everything is danger, and everything is focused on
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  safety and health. And she's scared of germs.
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  And she's scared of people and she's scared of sexual
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  molestation and trafficking and just like constantly scrolling
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  through Facebook with all of this shit that is never going to
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  happen. And you know and you are just
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  completely flummoxed by how this got to this place.
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  Well that's the case in which you still got to be involved
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  with Madison because otherwise you know she's gonna like make
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  Madison super anxious. I always use Madison as my name.
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  I've been using it since 2014, so I guess I need to update it
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  but I literally have no idea what.
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  Anybody named their baby now so I don't know.
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  But the point is if your wife is super anxious than you got to
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  get involved if she's not super anxious and she still smiles and
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  act happy and has a life and some interest and you know
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  whether or not she works she does do things that are not only
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  focused on the kids and she doesn't like cry everyday about
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  like how she's failing the kids or what their little friend
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  groups are doing or whatever. If this is anything within like
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  Normal parameters. Then let her at the very least
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  take the lead if not solely decide about it with the kids.
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  But if there is this situation, there are higher rates of
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  anxiety and women than men. And I work with a lot of women
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  with anxiety, and if every single thing seems like a
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  potential disaster and she's always telling you that you guys
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  are going to traumatize the child and you're not like, you
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  know, actually like beating your kids in which case you are going
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  to traumatize your child but like if everything, if Time to
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  talk to the kids or invalidating them.
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  And we didn't say this, right? And that, right?
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  And then somebody looked at this at her sideways.
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  And what about this friend? And what about this teacher of
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  the teachers always hate our child and, you know, some crazy
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  shit. Like this is anxiety, anxiety,
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  is when your wife always feels like the victim and The World Is
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  A Dangerous Place full of perpetrators and she's teaching
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  your kids the same ideology. That's when you got to get
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  involved because you owe it to them.
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  You cannot just enable the Xiety cousin, your kids will end up
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  anxious. It's just as bad as if she was
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  hitting them, you wouldn't let that.
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  So, what do you do in this situation?
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  Then you're going to say, all right?
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  My wife is paralyzed by anxiety. I don't know how you have a
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  camera in my home to tell me exactly what she acts.
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  Like, but it seems like you do. What do I do now?
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  Well, now is when you say you are pretty anxious about
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  everything, I think that we need to get into therapy because we
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  need to figure out how to pair it on the right page and I've
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  looked up X person who works with parenting now.
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  Somebody who is anxious is, will always go to a therapist, not
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  always, but most women who suffer from anxiety, she will
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  not go to a sex therapist, I know you tried.
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  She will not, maybe go to a couple's counselor, unless
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  you're literally about to leave, but she will go to somebody who
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  focuses on parenting. So, you're going to look for a
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  therapist. I mean, I got some working for
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  me and parents and coaches, and all sorts of shit, but so you
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  can start there. But but you got to find a
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  therapist that focuses on parenting because Because if
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  your wife really is consumed by anxiety, this will become
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  readily apparent to the therapist.
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  And then the therapist will help your wife through it.
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  You can't just abandon your children and and this is the
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  time where you can't just focus on your career and the
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  triathlon, or whatever else, because your kids are being
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  raised to be super anxious. And I've done a lot of podcasts
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  and posts about how parental anxiety, just destroys
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  children's mental health and makes them into little miniature
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  anxious adults. And this is nothing that you
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  can, this is the the If every decision is always guarding your
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  child against potential danger, and these are like situations
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  where we're deciding between two like fucking summer camps.
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  And it's not like, you know, this isn't the Hunger Games,
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  then then your wife is struggling with bad anxiety and
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  you owe it to your children to get involved.
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  Also medication is good for anxiety therapy, but what you
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  can't do is just say, okay, she found a therapist, you can
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  because here's a lot of guys are in this situation.
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  Obviously, I tell it to you straight so I'll keep continue
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  to do so. So more men are in the situation
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  than women where the spouse goes to therapy and does probably
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  nothing. And, you know, you're not being
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  an asshole. Probably it is not thing.
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  Guys have been like, well, I mean, she's the same level of
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  anxiety. The Same Love of depression.
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  She's been talking to this person for 15 years, every week.
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  It's like, okay, well, that person is probably maybe very
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  useful to your wife as a support system, but that person is not
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  obviously, working on curing, anxiety.
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  I mean, you know, if they are they Takin some Back roads that
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  I don't know. So you know, you can't just let
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  it go without you being part of it because then you don't know
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  what's going on. And now this is the same in this
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  rare situation much rarer where women tell me that the man has
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  been in therapy for years and years with no change, but same
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  kind of thing, just assume you can't tell them not to see the
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  person. The person could be the only
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  person there close to, I mean, honestly you can't take away
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  somebody's support system, that will be incredibly controlling
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  and crazy, right? But what you have to do is add
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  in something that might actually targets.
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  Some of the dysfunction that is spilling over onto and hurting
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  the children. So that's why I say say, I will
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  come and we will do parent and coaching together because I'm
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  sure I'm a big part of the problem too, or we will go to
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  couples counseling. Focus on getting on the same
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  page with parenting, you got to be involved.
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  You can't just wipe your hands of it and if you are, if your
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  wife is extremely anxious and is when you notice that the
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  children are developing their anxious, There's stomachaches
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  and their sleep problems and their paranoia about being
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  isolated and ostracised by friends and everybody hates me
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  and we're all gonna die then. You know, the child can also be
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  in therapy, but it ain't gonna help if your wife is still in
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  their ear being very anxious. So that's why I always say that.
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  How do you help your child to most with anxieties by working
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  on your own anxiety? So yeah, it's good.
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  Get your child into CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy for
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  anxiety, great, you know. No, but your wife may not even
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  allow that until you have talked together to somebody who's going
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  to talk to both of you. Because remember, a big part of
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  generalized anxiety is like like regret like the fear of doing
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  the wrong thing of regretting, having done the wrong thing.
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  So, that's when you can say listen, I feel like, you know,
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  the kids are getting really anxious.
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  I think we will regret it. If we do not see, somebody that
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  can help us learn to parent differently.
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  So then you know there's the only I'm use the anxiety for
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  good, use the anxiety to mobilize them.
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  Now they could be anxious that they got to, you know, that
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  their parenting wrong. But they are probably there's a
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  1% chance that you think that they're an anxious lunatic and
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  they're not. And then you'll go into the
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  therapist and the therapist will set you straight and the
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  therapist will be like why? I know Joe you know nine month
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  old babies do do well on a nap schedule.
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  She's not being crazy at all and then you could have a learning
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  experience, but if it's more like what I'm talking, In about
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  where it's like very hyper Vigilant where you notice.
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  It runs through her whole family, her mother super
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  anxious, she's super anxious. Now, your daughter is developing
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  anxiety and stomach ache constantly in school refusal or
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  whatever the fuck else. Then, you know, you got to
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  intervene if you have trouble with intervening, it is situated
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  and seeing one of your parents be too passive in enabling
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  around the other parent and allowing their mental illness or
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  you don't think of it as mental illness so their quirks to run
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  the show. So if you grew up With let's say
• 13:05
  a mother who drank a little too much or was so depressed.
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  She was in bed all the time or was anxious because people marry
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  somebody like mommy or daddy that and the father and your
• 13:14
  father just spent longer hours at the office, you know, then
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  you learned that a man does not protect his kids, but instead
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  enables, his wife's mental illness now, you can break that
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  cycle. You can break that cycle.
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  And now, we could extrapolate from this specific topic to what
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  about if your wife is depressed and irritable and screaming at
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  the kids and and Spanking them and grabbing them, same thing,
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  and same thing in the inverse, the gender inverse, if that's
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  your husband, if he's a total fucking asshole to the children,
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  he's yelling at them all the time and he's, you know,
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  berating them and doing whatever else, because men usually goes
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  toward anger when they're depressed, then you say to him,
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  we need to get in and see a parenting coach even if he
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  refuses to go to therapy. I have scheduled this
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  appointment with us. This is my Line in the Sand.
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  You must come to this with me. Most people can be can be
• 14:04
  convinced to do stuff for the good of their children because
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  most people love their children. More than anybody in the world.
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  No matter how their mental illnesses making them act, they
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  still love their children on a deep level, more than anything
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  in the world. So you just got to be very
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  assertive, which is outside of the comfort zone of many people
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  and say we are doing this because I am seeing that our
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  children are, you know, kind of scared.
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  Anxious - refusing to do things, whatever the case may be.
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  Alright. So This is a good pep talk.
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  For anybody who is in this situation, which is
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  unfortunately many people. The remember the first part, the
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  first part was, if you're not in the situation, if this made you
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  newly, appreciate your wife, who may be a little, you know, not
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  perfect because who is, but she, she is certainly not teaching
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  your children to fear the world, then listen to her.
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  You know, I mean, she wants to take a trip to the Grand Canyon
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  because that's something that the kids will love instead of
• 15:00
  doing whatever you think that they should do, you know go.
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  Go on a ski trip or whatever and she instead wants to make some,
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  you know, educational trip, cool live and be well.
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  Great say wow, you're a great mom to want to teach them this
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  or that or the other. Wow, you're a great mom to find
• 15:14
  Wiffle ball Camp. Wow, you're a great mom to find
• 15:17
  dance camp. Wow, you're a great mom to look
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  at to check out those books out of the library.
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  Wow, look at that art project. You did with them.
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  Wow, you keep them to such a nice nap schedule, say these
• 15:26
  nice things, but if it has jumped the shark and the
• 15:29
  rigidity and the the Stranger danger, and all sorts of shit is
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  metastasizing into something that is choking out, the air
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  from the room that your children live in.
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  Then you got to do the second part of what I talked about
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  which is, you got to get the both of you in with somebody
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  that can work on this. All right.
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  Hope you enjoyed this. I hope it was not applicable to
• 15:51
  anybody, but sadly, all things that I discuss our and I'll talk
• 15:56
  to you all soon. Oh, did I not even tell you to
• 15:58
  subscribe? Yeah, I didn't.
• 16:00
  Wow, I must be losing it. So my most Recent subscription
• 16:03
  episode was on caring for your wife and how to care for your
• 16:06
  wife more. Maybe I did say that at the
• 16:08
  beginning but either way you should subscribe and I'll talk
• 16:10
  to you all soon.