Latest / Thinking Out Loud | Kimberly / How Do We Live Honestly, When We Don’t Have All the Answers? | Thinking Out Loud
Transcript
- Kimberly Roller: What if the most honest thing you could say right now is, I don't fully know what I believe anymore. Not because you're lost, not because you're weak, ⁓ because you've seen enough of the world to realize how complicated it actually is because the older you get, more life stops fitting into clean categories. Good people can do harmful things. ⁓ meant to protect fail. and sometimes the belief you were once so sure about don't hold up in the you thought they would. ⁓ So what do we do then? ⁓ Do we double down just to feel certain again, Or do you let yourself sit in the discomfort of not having all the answers? And I think that's why this feels so uncomfortable is because we're not just taught what to believe. We're taught to be certain about it, to sound confident, to have answers because certainty feels safe. but what if that certainty is actually what's stopping us growing? And before we go further, I want to take a moment to say thank you. Thank you for listening. Thank you for following along. Thank you for thinking out loud with me. This is episode 10. This podcast started a way for me to process life while navigating postpartum, a memento for my kids. And somehow it's turning into a space where we get to reflect, question, and grow together. ⁓ One listener at a time. I take that lightly. So whether You've been here since episode one, or you're just finding this space. I'm really glad you're here. All right. Back to the episode. Hi, it's me, Kimberly. And today's question is this. How do we live honestly when we don't have all the answers? But before we go any further, quick note, this podcast is for reflection and conversation, not professional advice. Take what resonates, leave what doesn't and listen in a way that feels supportive for you. This episode isn't about giving you answers. It's about being honest about the questions, the ones that don't fit neatly into a post, the ones that don't get applause, the ones that sometimes make people uncomfortable. Some of these thoughts feel settled for me. Some of them are still evolving and some I'm just holding with honesty because if I'm going to be real, There was a point in my life when I was told over and over again, I didn't know what I was talking about. ⁓ And when I heard enough, I really started to shrink. started to question myself with everything and I started to silence my own thoughts before they even fully formed. But eventually something shift. I realized I actually understood more than I was given credit for. And what I started noticing was Certainty wasn't always helping people solve problems. Sometimes it was doing the opposite. Sometimes it was keeping people stuck. and accepting things as normal instead of asking if they should be. And I remember thinking is just a setting on a washing machine. I believe what Harley Quinn said. So why are we defending it? Like it's true. because bad people always find a way to get what they want. ⁓ So why are good people so willing to stop questioning? Let's start with family. One I keep coming back to, do I believe repair is always possible? My answer is yes, but not under the same conditions that caused the damage in the first place. Because for me, safety comes down to this ⁓ is ⁓ respected. Can I ⁓ myself even it's mild? Cause I get Now everyone wants spice ⁓ in their life, ⁓ but if you can't even be your mild self, what's the point? You just can't be yourself. And for a long time, I stayed in relationships longer than I should have because I believe something that wasn't mine to carry ⁓ that I was responsible for the adults ⁓ felt responsible for keeping people regulated so I could feel safe. I felt responsible for fixing their pain, even for struggling to want to live for whether or not they survive it. And that was a heavy place to live in. ⁓ It was a heavy thing for me to carry, but eventually I had to learn something hard. can have compassion for someone without taking responsibility for their life. Adults are responsible for their own ⁓ And I can't carry the weight of whether or not someone chooses to stay or not, I can call for help. can support ⁓ in appropriate ways in my capacity. ⁓ I can't become the solution for them. And another truth I had to face was this. Not everyone wants repair. Some people just want to play a story. They've convinced themselves to be true. And in that story, you might be the villain. You might be too much. ⁓ You be selfish. ⁓ And matter how much you explain yourself, you can't argue someone out of a story they've committed to believing. And that's painful ⁓ because forces you to accept something uncomfortable. Not everyone's committed to growth. And if that's true, then staying out of guilt doesn't create connection. It creates resentment. Another place that shows up to me is in religion. I value faith and I value community, but I've also learned what happens when ⁓ systems prioritize power over people. Growing up. I saw mental health treated with judgment, people being isolated instead of supported. I saw differences turn into reasons to exclude or mocked. I saw favoritism. saw harm explained away as something that just needed grace. And I remember reporting a professor for abuse of behavior, not to get them fired, but because I was tired of watching them hurt other people. And instead of being heard, I was labeled as emotional. told to give grace and that moment stayed with me because it made me realize sometimes systems don't protect people. They protect themselves. And for me, questioning faith didn't pull me away from it. It only brought me closer to it, but it also made me realize ⁓ that not every space built around faith is safe for growth because A safe space doesn't require silence when something is wrong. I think about this in systems too, especially People argue like there's one perfect answer, ⁓ But what I've seen is this. ⁓ No system is immune to human behavior. exists So does generosity. instead of asking what's the right I started asking what. actually works for real people. Because life isn't theoretical, it's lived. People want community, they want to feel supported, they want to feel like they belong. We're wired for that, it makes sense. But somewhere along the way, we stop being villagers and start participating in a witch hunt. and there's difference. ⁓ A village builds, supports, ⁓ makes room. A witch hunt looks for someone to blame, someone to exile, someone to turn into the problem. And I've learned something important. If a community needs a villain function, something is already broken because real community doesn't thrive on exclusion. ⁓ It thrives on accountability. Parenting has been one of most humbling places for me to face this. Because I had to admit things I once thought we're normal. actually healthy and that's not easy. ⁓ Growth doesn't feel like pride. ⁓ often feels like confronting ⁓ I remember a moment my daughter was crying, scared, and finally it clicked. She wasn't being hard. She was having a hard time and that shift everything because I realized I wasn't reacting to her. I was reacting to me, to the way I was raised, to belief that love came with conditions, to the idea that I had to perform to be accepted. And suddenly I wasn't just parenting my child. I was facing my own childhood, my own shame, my own belief that I was too much. And I had to make the decision. Am I going to repeat this or change this? So I started choosing differently, not perfectly, but intentionally seeking support, listening more. Leading with curiosity instead of control because behavior isn't always defiance. ⁓ Sometimes it's a signal ⁓ And we don't listen, we ⁓ what actually is happening. Now this is where things get complicated ⁓ because conversation around identity, especially gender can become quickly. So I want to approach this with clarity and care. ⁓ I believe every person deserves dignity, respect and and that includes transgender individuals. And I also believe the fairness and safety, especially for children ⁓ and women matter. And sometimes these conversations get framed, like you have to choose one or the other. And I really don't think that's true. And I want to give real examples of how I think through this, not perfectly, but honestly, for example, when it comes to the sports, I personally have concerns about biological differences when it comes to competition. me, that's about fairness, not exclusion. But I also recognize something important. there are more nuance to this than people talk about. Even in the highest level, like the Olympics, ⁓ have been policies around hormone levels and how long they need to be within certain ranges before someone can compete in specific categories. So this isn't a brand new conversation. It's something people have been trying to figure out for a long time. ⁓ And that ⁓ actually reinforces my point. We're not dealing with something simple. We're dealing with something complex enough that even global organizations are still adjusting and trying to get it right. but I also recognize something I don't have lived experience in space. So I try to hold my perspective with not silence, ⁓ but openness because I think real solution isn't ignoring the differences. Maybe it's about celebrating it. Maybe it's about building systems that respect everyone involved, whether that's separate divisions or new frameworks we haven't figured out yet because pretending differences don't exist doesn't protect anyone, but neither does stripping people of dignity. And when it comes to bathroom and safety, bathroom I think this is where this minority gets scapegoated. I don't believe transgender women are the primary threat. Predatory behavior has long before this And I think avoiding the truth. ⁓ And that's not making anyone safer. My real question when it comes to the conversation is Why haven't we taken women's safety serious enough for a long time? Why has accountability been so inconsistent? ⁓ Because safety shouldn't depend on who the conversation's about. It should be a standard. ⁓ So for me, this isn't an us them issue. It's a How can we create safety and dignity at the same time issue? And I think we're still figuring that out. What matters to me is how we address harm because harmful behavior doesn't belong to a type of person. It's a behavior. And when we start labeling people instead of addressing action, I think we lose the ability to actually solve problems. And I do want to say this clearly. I'm going to talk about topics that can lead to heated conversations. And my goal is not to create division ⁓ it's not to get a reaction, but rather a response because I think these conversations matter. The that feel very but it doesn't have to be unsettling. I want ⁓ I want people to have different opinions or things to add. think that is important. I'm trying to build a community of people so we can think, question and grow together. So you're here to connect, to reflect, and to be part of something that makes room for different perspectives without losing respect, this space is for you. So for me, this isn't about picking sides. ⁓ It's about asking how we create systems and protect dignity and safety at the same time? And I think we're still figuring that out. I see this pattern in health. People want one answer, ⁓ one one truth, ⁓ but body doesn't work like that. People are struggling with their health. ⁓ Aren't ⁓ They're to feel better. ⁓ And we reduce health to extremes, we stop helping people. Balance matters, ⁓ listening and dismissing people their experience doesn't fit your beliefs doesn't make anyone healthier. So here's where I had to land right now. What I know needs to be addressed. If there's going to be real repair, not all opinions are equal to truth. And just because a group agrees on something, doesn't make it right. Two plus two will never equal five. no matter how many people believe it does. ⁓ And I'm still learning where accountability ends forgiveness begins, ⁓ how to support people without enabling harm how to hold nuance without becoming passive because I've learned this too. silence always ⁓ Sometimes it's self and sometimes it's just knowing the other person isn't willing to listen. And I'm learning to tell the difference. ⁓ So back to question, how do we live honestly when we don't have all the answers? ⁓ I think it starts with this, being willing to I might be wrong. Not as a weakness, but as openness, not clinging to beliefs just because they're familiar, ⁓ not performing just to belong, actually thinking, ⁓ actually questioning, ⁓ actually growing. Because truth is a good person isn't a fixed label. It changes depending on who's defining it. ⁓ So instead of chasing that label, trying to be something else patient. compassionate, flexible, and willing to understand the shoes someone else is walking in because the goal isn't the perfect answer It's to stay honest in the process of finding them. and maybe that's what really it means to think out loud.