Latest / Voice Notes to the Universe / Voice Note #133 — I'm Not Just Looking for a Lover; I'm Looking for My Best Friend
Transcript
- My (8): my god, child. I have been craving. my god, chocolate and sweets. don't you judge me. Don't you judge me. As I stuff my face with almonds and sea salt and dark chocolate. It's fucking delicious, bitch. my god, it's so good. It's because I don't know. The dark chocolate. It's because I'm it's just I'm I'm I'm trying to feed and make my broken heart better. That's what it is. I do notice it. If I'm really sad. And I have a little bit of a broken heart. I'm not gonna lie. my god. It's a little, you know, whatever. We're working on it. We're working on shit. But I noticed that I crave sweet things, especially chocolate. but it's really just our body saying, like, we want sweetness in our life, right? We're a little sad. And we want a little love. We want sweetness in our life. I wonder, do you have to be like I don't think so, right? Cause I often think about, like, do I want to be in a relationship? Isn't that a funny thing to think about? But I do. And I don't know why do I want to be in a relationship? Like, why why? I I think about that sometimes. Like, what what is it about it? You know? Wow. I mean, I really like sex, so like that that's definitely a big thing. But that's not even it though, because I could just continue to do what I've done. You know, have an occasional lover for a little bit, and then we're good, right? I scratch the inch, I feel okay. Like I get, you know, a little bit of that, I get it out of my system and then I go back and do my thing. Because there's a part of me that feels like, that's pretty appealing. So what is it? What is it about wanting to be in a relationship? I really get to think about that. Because I've changed so much and I've grown so much since the last time I was in a relationship. And the things that were used that I that I used to think were important don't seem to resonate anymore. When I think about that, what is the perfect side actually, dig it, baby, dig it. This in my mind I don't know, there I would need a certain type of man for this. Because I I I've grown so much and I've become I was so codependent. I was so enmeshed. I was so such a people pleaser. I had no boundaries. I just I was such a different person than I am now. I kind of like my independence. I'm a little bit feral. I'm a little bit feral. I'm not gonna fucking lie. I don't think I realized how caged in I felt for so long. And how I was abiding by everyone else's rules and what everyone else wanted. And I wasn't I wasn't thinking on my own. I wasn't feeling on my own. I wasn't dreaming on my own, right? I was enmeshed with so many other people. And then, you know, have time now where you get to be by yourself, like truly in your own energy. And you go, shit. Those things that I thought were important really aren't they're not. That that's not really what I want or how I feel or you know, whatever it is, whether it's a a fear, an anxiety, a dream, right? Or Or whatever it is, a desire, a goal, whatever. And you're like, wait, this is kind of this is kind of what I want. This is this feels more aligned. You know, so going into a relationship, I don't I don't know. But I think, right? I I I am a little a little fair. Like, let's see, my I like ideally I need, my god, I need a man that is incredibly patient with me. so patient. Who's who's at one point like okay the more I think about this, I need the more elevated man. Okay, because I had said before, right, like it's either I'm someone who is a little bit more seasoned, a little bit more secure within themselves, who has done all the inner work that I've done, but has maybe been able to put it into practice. I've not been able to I I know it in theory, right? But I've not been able to put it into practice fully. And a relationship and I still am nursing a broken heart. You know, so I'm like, my God, who would want? I'm like a mess. But I know that's not true either because I know that I have a lot to give. And I also know for me, and I and for all of us, it's learning to put it in practice in community with other people. whether it's with a lover or friends or family or coworkers, whatever it is that we're working on, it's not just it doesn't just affect one type of relationship. It r you know, it affects everything. So, you know, I think about that like, because there's either someone with right who's who's a little bit more I say elevated, but that's not really I'm just I can't think of another word, more seasoned. Or someone that's an energetic match to exactly where I am, where it's like, okay, you know, that's let's explore this. We're both kind of, you know, we're both this is our first relationship for both of us, putting it into practice after, you know, blah blah blah blah blah. But there's a part of me, I'm not gonna fucking lie. That feels exhausting. That feels exhausting. That feels exhausting and I'm like, my gosh. I just like it would be I don't know. I'm looking for the relationship where it's consistent and it's grounded and it's slow and it's steady until I say no, let's go faster. Right? And I'm I just I I just get you know it's just the truth. I I want to be taken care of. I really do. I'm so exhausted. I'm so exhausted. Now it would be uncomfortable. Like my feminine right like I she's pretty balanced. She's pretty balanced. But I do believe that my my masculine energy would be like a little bit kicking and screaming, a little uncomfortable. But but that girl, my feminine energy would be, bitch, shut up and sit down. It's my turn. It's my turn. I want to be taken care of. Right? And I know, listen, it's not like, you just do nothing. I mean, it's it's an energetic exchange, right? And and and you know, as a it's relationships, they're it can be very sacred, right? And there's a sacred energy and you know, and so it's you know, you do things for each other, you know, whatever. But it's obviously. But I don't know. I'm fucking rambling. I don't even know where the fuck I'm going with this. that's how tired I am. Chocolate almonds and sea salt and dark chocolate because of my broken heart. And yes, I think that I I just I just need yeah I need like a reset nervous system reset reset I I'm realizing that the chaos and the bread crumbing and the inconsistency and the the situationships and the ghosting and you know all that's future faking, all of that shit. I used to know how to handle that. That was home because the men in my life w the and I'm not talking just romantic partners, I'm talking family father, you know, just whatever, friends even. That is what I've experienced. is just this men who and this is not a this is not a knock, right? But it's just that's all they knew. They were emotionally unavailable, emotionally avoidant, you know, and it just they didn't know how to process emotions, you know, they didn't know how to have a they didn't have a a nervous system a a regulated nervous system. But neither did I though. Neither did I. I had all these things as well. So there's just, you know, it's just it's just what but but it's what I knew. It's just what I knew and I was comfortable in that. And I know that there's growth when I when I come into situations, especially with men in like a romantic sense, where it's like they're kind of like a little I s I see it, I observe, I listen, I'm quiet, I watch for that man. What's your default? What are you gonna show me, baby? Because I'm not gonna say anything. I'm just gonna, and and allow them to and for me to not put any an expectation on the outcome and just allow that person to be that person with no judgment, with no pressure from me, no expectation of the outcome. We're just let's just see where this goes, right? But you know, I I just yeah, rambling again. But I definitely need somebody. Who's incredibly patient? Because I do. I I I am I'm willing, I want to like work through because I know that I have a lot to offer, you know. So going back to why do I really want a relationship? I I don't know, because I like having my person. You know, it's nice to be able to have your person. Cause to me, it's like I'm not just looking for a lover, I'm looking for my best friend. Maybe and even potentially at some point there's some, you know, business ventures we do together, but we have our own separate things, right? You've got your thing, I've got my thing. Sometimes we do things together in a business sense or whatever. I'm kind of okay if we live separately. I kinda like my own space. We could live close to each other. Not next door. That's too close. But maybe down the street where we could maybe walk to each other's house. That'd be cool. Right? That'd be cool. I could deal with that, but I like having my own space. You could have your own. I wanna I wanna like I was I live with somebody for a long fucking time, baby. I'm like, I'm okay with having my own space, right? And I've found that I'm very particular. You know, but I so it's like I I'm a little anxious, I need to, but I'm a little avoidant. I need space for myself. So I need somebody who's got their own shit. Because guess what? I was so, because I was so codependent, I've worked really hard to be, because I went really codependent to then I went to like super hyper independent. And now I'm I'm regulating, right? Now I'm finding my equilibrium. Now I'm finding my balance. and I'm looking for someone who has that balance as well. so I I because you know, it's important to me for me to take care of myself, right? Like I need that time to take care of me. I my body needs care. I need you know, I I put a lot into self-care because my body is is is a vessel for the divine. If if I don't take care of myself, you know, that's that's how I receive messages, that's how I communicate with the universe. So that's important to me. And my career is important to me because I lived a long marriage where I didn't I was you know it's important for me to be financially independent. Right? Because anything can fucking happen if that's what life has shown me. Anything can happen. And what you think is not what happens or how you think a person's gonna react, they don't you know all these different things. You think you know someone and you don't. And that's happened to me quite a bit. So and but it's not that I'm gonna be completely guarded and but it's just I'm or even hypervigilant. I'm just going to observe and I'm just, you know, slow and steady. But so those things are important to me. I I that's important that I have that independence and I've got my because I've got passions and I have a a a mission to to complete, multiple missions in this lifetime. And it's important that I continue to walk in my dharmic path. And I want my my person to feel the same way. I want them to fill themselves up and do what it is that they need to do for their self-care, right? Because w when I choose me, I choose you. And that's true. When I choose me, I choose you. When I choose to do the things that nourish me, the things that I can that I do to love myself, to to to work on myself, to better myself. And I'm not just talking about physically and my body. I'm talking about my mind. I'm talking about my heart. I'm talking about my soul. I'm talking about my spirituality, my connection with God, my connection with the universe, my connection with Mother Gaia, my connection with myself, with my heart. Right, that's important because I I need to be able to do that for me so that I feel good, so I can have overflow and I can give that, you know, I can now I can have space for you, right? In a in a real way where I can be present and really connecting with you on such a deep level. And I want my person to be doing that as well. I want them to be, I'm excited for them. I want them to be walking in their dharmic path. I want them to be fulfilling their purpose and their mission in this life. I want to see them attain and do all the things that light them up because that's what I want. And I want them to be happy and be rooting me on. You know, so there's there's an exchange that happens when when both people are really taking care of themselves, you know? Because I'll tell you, I don't ever want to be someone's everything. I I I don't if someone says to me, my God, I love you so much, I can't live without you. Goodbye. No, you need to live without me. You need to be okay to live without me. Cause anything could happen. Right? We need to be okay. God, are we would are we gonna grieve? Are we gonna be like, but we're gonna be okay. You know, and and that's not cold. I know it could sound cold because sometimes I say that and it sounds cold to me, but I'm like no, I I think it's just secure. It's secure in within who I am and the love that I have for myself. So I know. I just think it's important, right? Because and that's the thing too, because eventually I will disappoint you. I don't want to be your everything. Because eventually I'll disappoint you. I won't mean to. I won't want to disappoint you. But I'm fucking human, bitch. I'm gonna fuck up. I'm gonna make a mistake. I'm gonna I'm gonna probably unwittingly, unknowingly say something, do something, then perhaps I trigger something within you. Or maybe I'm just an asshole. Maybe I'm just really inconsiderate and I'm having a fucking really bad day and I'm just not thinking I'm just a fucking dick. But eventually I'm gonna hurt you. I don't want you, I don't I can't be your anything, everything. That's way too much fucking pressure. Don't put that pressure on me. And I promise you, I won't put that pressure on you. I won't put that pressure on my partner, you know? So I don't know. I guess that sounds good. We can live somewhere. It has to be warm. I like the warmth. I like tropical. I like the beach very much. But I also I like going in the woods. I like going to camping. I need somewhere like just a lot of nature. You know, I'm kind of living and that's more like urban, you know. But I dig that too. I like that too. But I'm ready to go back to the woods. And like live more with the land, you know. I'm so ready for that. So I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. But I only have a few more months in the space that I'm at. And I can't even believe that by that time that time comes, it'll be a a year that I've been here. And I'm like, whoa. I mean, how are we? I'm getting close to month nine. I'm like, how the fuck? How did that happen? I was like, yeah, I'm gonna come. I'm gonna come for two weeks. I've been here for like almost nine months and will be here for about a year, a little over a year. So I don't know. I don't know what the future holds. I was trying to control it so much. But you know, or or or you know, kind of write the narrative of how I wanted to go. And I had to surrender. Because spirit has been telling me, I've got shit for you, but you just so goddamn stubborn. You're getting stuck on stuff. That's an old timeline. I've got something so much better for you. Can you just surrender for a little while? And know that everything's gonna work out. Not that it's going to work out, but that it is working out. And it may not feel like it, but you're exactly where you need to be. Right? You're exactly where you need to be. You're not fucking it up. You're okay, no, this isn't your shadow. This isn't your ego. This is truly me. This is your message from the divine. You know, like I have to, you know, and that's what spirit tells me, right? It's like, no. But it takes time, right? Really big manifestations take time. And there's just there's so much that I've learned about manifesting. And it's not for everybody. This is a different way. There's many different ways to manifest. But holy shit, this route is like a kind of crazy, intense. It's a different way to manifest, but it is not for everybody, but it is for some. This way that spirits show me. It is for some. And people will know it'll resonate because it'll click and go, yes, because they will have already slightly been receiving messages about this. This is just gonna be a confirmation, and just say, a more detail,' but it's not the only way. Because there's there's room for many different ways, and it's all meant to exist, and it's all true, they all work, they're just different, and they're gonna work differently for different people. So, anywho. Alright darling. Toodle-oo.