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The Bedroom Filter: Are Biases Hurting Your Sex Life? · Doing Marriage Well

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  Doing Marriage Well for May 22, 2026 The Bedroom Filter Are biases hurting your sex life?
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  Bias is certainly messing with our sex lives.
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  Nervousness, lack of sexual information, and difficulty communicating about sex all make it worse.
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  Let's take a look at a few common examples.
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  Frequency It's been said if you want to know how often a couple has sex,
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  you ask both of them and then average their answers.
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  The higher-drive spouse tends to underestimate how often sex occurs,
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  while the lower-drive one tends to overestimate frequency.
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  Several of the biases I talked about this week are at play here.
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  The simple solution to this is to keep track. A smiley face on the calendar
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  when you have sex, for example.
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  The odds are you will both be surprised.
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  They know I wanted sex. If you send a hint you want sex and sex does not occur,
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  do you assume your spouse knew what you wanted and turned you down?
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  Telling yourself that they knew doesn't mean that they did. Even if they got
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  the hint, they may think a hint indicates a weak desire, and that a strong desire
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  would be expressed more openly. You loved your boyfriend more.
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  I've had a number of men complain their wife gave one or more boyfriends oral
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  sex, but won't give it to hubby.
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  Rather than seeing it as a good thing that she feels able to say no to sex acts
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  she dislikes, most men take this as a slight.
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  You signaled, no sex tonight. A spouse looking for sex may interpret certain
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  words, phrases, or actions as a silent, not tonight.
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  Phrases such as, I'm tired, or I have a long day tomorrow, might be seen as, don't ask.
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  Ironically, they might be saying, if you want sex, ask now, not later.
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  What a spouse wears to bed may also be taking a signal. If she usually comes
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  to bed naked, does a nightgown mean forget it? Or maybe she's just cold.
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  By the way, the opposite happens too, with less clothing being seen as a request for sex.
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  The Meaning of Her Orgasm Men ascribe all kinds of meaning to their wives having an orgasm.
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  It means the sex was good. It means she is glad she had the sex.
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  It means their relationship is okay.
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  The reality is orgasm is an involuntary reflex.
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  Provide enough for the right stimulation, and it can happen even if she would
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  rather not be having sex. And some women orgasm very easily.
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  Men also ascribe things to their wife not having an orgasm.
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  It means she's upset. It means she didn't enjoy making love,
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  never mind that she said she did.
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  It means she's attracted to someone else. The reality is, for some women, orgasm is difficult.
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  For some, it takes a good deal of effort, which she might not be up to on some occasions.
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  A woman's cycle can also make orgasm difficult or nearly impossible at times.
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  Understanding the biology helps us stop making it a test of our worth as a lover or a spouse.
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  Biases will try to fill the vacuum when we lack information and communication.
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  But they will give us more wrong ideas than right ones.
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  This is Paul and biases interfere with doing sex well.