Latest / Just Heal with Dr Jay / Processing In Your Time

Transcript

Processing In Your Time · Just Heal with Dr Jay

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Welcome to jess Hell with Doctor J, a production of
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: The Black Effect Podcast Network and iHeartRadio.
• 0:06
  Speaker 2: What's up, my good brothers and good sisters.
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: This is Doctor J and you are listening to another
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: episode of Just Here with Doctor J. Today we're going
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: to do something different. I'm gonna go a different route.
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: I want to address some things that has happened in
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: the news lately, and I also just want to address
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: some recent events that have taken place that has calls
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: an alarming uproar and uprise within our community around intimate
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: partner violence. Some of you have heard the Fairfax situation
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: unfortunately where the wife lost her life and the husband
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: did as well. Unfortunate event, and so I want to
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: unpack that. So today's episode, we're just going to be
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: unpacking in real time. Also, just want to caution the
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: listeners in case you hear something that may be triggering
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: and want to be sensitive to your experience. I want
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: to be sensitive to also just your ears and your
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: eye gates. As we prepare for another episode on Just
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: Here with Doctor J. Today, we want to be processing
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: in the real time. I met brothers, they and they
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: fifty still talking about what didn't happen is high school
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: and I was supposed to go to the league.
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: I was supposed Brother. It's okay to leave that.
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  Speaker 1: Story behind and create a new story. Create a new story, brother,
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  Speaker 1: because you deserve a better ending.
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: I just want to hear so. I am doctor J. Burnett.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: I am a licensed therapist, business owner, author, and speaker
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  Speaker 1: travel around the globe talking about men's mental health. And
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: as we know, when it comes to men's mental health
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: right now, it is very ubiquitous, meaning that it is
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  Speaker 1: talked about everywhere. One of the things that I want
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  Speaker 1: to highlight in our discussions because we're going to be
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: talking a lot today about a lot of different things,
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: a myerate of different things right here. Lately, CJ, there
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  Speaker 1: has been a lot of events of where men have
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  Speaker 1: not only taken their lives, but they have taken their
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  Speaker 1: partner lives.
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  Speaker 2: And I think not only.
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: Is this a public health issue, but it is definitely
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: a state of emergency and a crisis, as.
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: There have been many women that are losing their.
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  Speaker 1: Lives at the hands of men a have not processed trauma,
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  Speaker 1: emotion stresses, or be men who lack the courage to
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  Speaker 1: go ask for help. Let's say that again, Hey, these
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: are men that have not processed their traumas, their emotions,
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: their stresses, stressors or pain, or be men who like
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: the courage to ask for help. Intimate partner violence has
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: a profound impact on lifelong health opportunities.
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: And well being.
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  Speaker 1: Promoting healthy relationships and communities can reduce intimate partner violence.
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  Speaker 1: And this is why I'm talking about this right because
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  Speaker 1: unfortunately not all men are going to seek help. And
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: I'm pausing even as I'm talking about this because I
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: want to just really give a moment of silence and
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  Speaker 1: just honor the women who have lost their lives. Man,
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  Speaker 1: because as I have sisters, particularly this Fairfax event man
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  Speaker 1: really broke my heart and and it's just it's it's
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  Speaker 1: heartbreaking because.
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: These children.
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  Speaker 1: Will be traumatized for the rest of their life. Their
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  Speaker 1: mother's gone and their father. Uh, these children will be
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: in therapy for a very very long time. And this
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: is something that they would never recover from. And what
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  Speaker 1: I mean about recovery, they won't be restored now, they
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  Speaker 1: will live life, But how do you recover from having
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  Speaker 1: to pick up the phone to say Daddy shot mom
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  Speaker 1: and daddy shot himself. And I want to take my
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  Speaker 1: time and put this in perspective because this is happening
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: right now and occurring too often, and it's not talked
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  Speaker 1: about enough as a man, as a black man, I'm
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  Speaker 1: gonna speak about it, and I'm gonna call brothers out,
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  Speaker 1: and I'm gonna call brothers up, because that's what real
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  Speaker 1: men do. Real men call you out, and they call
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  Speaker 1: you up. And this isn't as if brother you need help,
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  Speaker 1: but this is the challenge brothers that it's okay to
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  Speaker 1: say you need help. And then the next step is
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  Speaker 1: to research, ask questions, and pursue help. Chasing, pursuing, looking
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  Speaker 1: all mean different things. You're looking, you're in search of it.
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  Speaker 1: If you're pursuing, there's intentionality. If you're chasing. There is
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  Speaker 1: no blueprint to chasing right, you know, because it can
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  Speaker 1: go anywhere. And so I broke it down in those
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  Speaker 1: in those three facets because I want brothers to pursue help,
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  Speaker 1: to pursue better, to be healed, to be restored, because
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  Speaker 1: it's happening too often.
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  Speaker 2: Man, and.
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  Speaker 1: Our women and our children deserve to have not only
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  Speaker 1: safety in the home, but they deserve to have emotional
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  Speaker 1: and psychological safety. And I get it.
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  Speaker 2: Brothers. It's hard, man. It's hard being a man.
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  Speaker 1: It's hard when the job says we gotta let you go.
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  Speaker 1: It's hard when you get your hopes up for something
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  Speaker 1: to change and then get better and it doesn't get better.
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  Speaker 2: Man. It's hard when.
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  Speaker 1: You have to experience something where you was accused and
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  Speaker 1: you find or it comes out that you know it
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  Speaker 1: wasn't true, or there's an acquisation, you know there is
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  Speaker 1: a slander. Man, it's hard to recover from a lot
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  Speaker 1: of those things. I get it. It's hard to grow
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  Speaker 1: as a man because what do you do when you're
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  Speaker 1: wanting to grow but the soil around you is dead
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  Speaker 1: and the seas that are in the soil are not
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  Speaker 1: water and you can't grow. How do you model healthy
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  Speaker 1: but there's no blueprint? How do you model positivity? How
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  Speaker 1: do you model growth and progression and becoming better when
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  Speaker 1: you have not seen that and the models that you
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  Speaker 1: have before you are dysfunctional. The models that you have,
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  Speaker 1: they're broken. The models that you have, they're distorted. And
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  Speaker 1: I think for us to begin to grow Old Brothers
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  Speaker 1: as a population, society, community species again, because we fall
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  Speaker 1: in different categories, it's going to take us men getting
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  Speaker 1: to the end of ourselves and making a decision to
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  Speaker 1: become better, making a decision to go to therapy, making
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  Speaker 1: a decision to seek out a mentor making a decision
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  Speaker 1: to say I need to do something different, Because nothing
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  Speaker 1: changes until you make a decision to change. Talking change
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  Speaker 1: is good, but man, you gotta function and change. You
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  Speaker 1: gotta operate and change. You gotta be the change. You
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  Speaker 1: gotta be around men who have a change mind. You
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  Speaker 1: gotta be around men who are are no longer doing
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  Speaker 1: childish things. And as the scripture says, with Paul says,
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  Speaker 1: when I became a man, I put away childish things.
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  Speaker 1: And let me say this, until you become. Listen, Paul said,
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  Speaker 1: when I became, until you become you can't put away
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  Speaker 1: childish things. Some of you are trying to put away
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  Speaker 1: childish things and you have yet to become brothers. You
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  Speaker 1: have to become. Childish things is not just about going
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  Speaker 1: out going to the club.
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  Speaker 2: You don't do this. You don't do this, and you
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  Speaker 2: don't do that.
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  Speaker 1: Putting away childish things is even the way that you communicate.
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  Speaker 1: It's even the way that you view yourself. It's the
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  Speaker 1: way that you operate, the way that you process because sometimes, brothers,
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  Speaker 1: we take our mother wombs into the job place, into
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  Speaker 1: the relationship, into the community, We take our father wombs.
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  Speaker 1: We take the things that have happened to us, that
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  Speaker 1: we have allowed to sit inside of us. And these
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  Speaker 1: things like dormant and what happened, Brothers, anybody is who
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  Speaker 1: is in proximity and you have not processed your trauma,
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  Speaker 1: process your pain, your grief, your disappointment, your resentment, your bitterness.
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  Speaker 1: Anybody that's in proximity can get it. And this is
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  Speaker 1: what we're happening. And brothers, is unfair that our women, wives, nieces, nephews, children,
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  Speaker 1: whoever have to lose their lives or possibly fear being
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  Speaker 1: in danger because you haven't set down in process your issues,
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  Speaker 1: your pain, your disappointment. It burdens me. It burdens me, man,
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  Speaker 1: because let me be honest, let me go deeper. My mother,
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  Speaker 1: this is something happened to when my parents were married.
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: My mother one night ran across I grew up in
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  Speaker 1: Mississippian and and my grandfather lived directly across the street,
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  Speaker 1: and my mother left the house one night, ran across
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  Speaker 1: the street, jumped this ditch and beat down my grandfather's door,
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  Speaker 1: and of course we learned what had happened because my
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  Speaker 1: mother injured her leg.
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  Speaker 2: And it pays me.
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  Speaker 1: And now let me preface with saying this, My parents
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  Speaker 1: are in a really, really great space now. But at
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  Speaker 1: this time, my father had threatened her that he was
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  Speaker 1: going to take her and us out and himself, and
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  Speaker 1: my mom shot out the house and saying that because
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  Speaker 1: I couldn't imagine. I couldn't imagine. And even when my
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  Speaker 1: mother was telling me this, as I had become an adult,
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  Speaker 1: she began talking about like how she the fear that
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  Speaker 1: she had because she said, Jay, I didn't know your
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  Speaker 1: dad was battling depression. I didn't know that, She said,
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  Speaker 1: I knew that, you know, his grand his father, which
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  Speaker 1: is my grandfather. She said, I knew that they had
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  Speaker 1: issues and he had, you know, spoke down to my
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  Speaker 1: father like all these different things. And and of course
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  Speaker 1: it's the stuff that my dad wouldn't talk about, but
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  Speaker 1: I'm gonna talk about it because I'm I'm I'm gonna
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  Speaker 1: break these generational curses because.
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  Speaker 2: My father may not talk about it.
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  Speaker 1: But how my father treated me is exactly how my
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  Speaker 1: grandfather treated him. Because you know, for the parents children
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  Speaker 1: become what they see, not what you say, because what
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  Speaker 1: you see is telling them more than what you say.
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  Speaker 1: What you're saying falls on deaf ears, but what you
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  Speaker 1: do is recorded in the mind. Doctor Oliver Sachs, famous neurology, says,
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  Speaker 1: you not only see what your eyes, but you see
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  Speaker 1: what your brain. So anything that a child sees, it's
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  Speaker 1: not only seen with its eyes, it's scenes with their brain,
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  Speaker 1: and it's recorded. And what is recorded with the brain
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  Speaker 1: now becomes encoded into the heart. And once something is
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  Speaker 1: encoded into the heart, now this thing becomes ingrained. So
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  Speaker 1: I want to take it a tab bit deeper. So
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  Speaker 1: let's say that what was recorded in your child's heart
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  Speaker 1: or in their brain is now encoded and printed. Now
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  Speaker 1: it's a part of them. Let's say they give birth
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  Speaker 1: to their children from the trauma that they see. Now
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  Speaker 1: they have a trauma response that has now become behaviors
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  Speaker 1: that has now become patterns they give birth to children.
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  Speaker 1: When they give birth to children, now what we call
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  Speaker 1: is that this thing is going to be epigenetics, meaning
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  Speaker 1: that it has passed down through DNA how it is processed.
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  Speaker 1: Now it is is going to be congenital, which is
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  Speaker 1: something that is now part of you from birth. It's
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  Speaker 1: part of you from birth, it is now attached to you.
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  Speaker 1: So the brokenness that granddaddy had passed on to my father,
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  Speaker 1: now I'm being the one who's hurt because I'm in proximity.
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  Speaker 1: My mother is the one being hurt because she's in proximity.
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  Speaker 1: So now we're all casualties. As I say, you now
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: become an innocent bystander in somebody's emotional breakdown, in somebody's crisis,
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  Speaker 1: in somebody's crisis. This is why we have to talk
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  Speaker 1: about this because, my brother, I get it that you're
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  Speaker 1: going through. I get it that it's a lot that
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  Speaker 1: you feel that the weight of the world is on
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  Speaker 1: your shoulder. But my brother, it is your responsibility. It's
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  Speaker 1: your responsibility to not just seek help, but to identify
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  Speaker 1: that you need help.
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  Speaker 2: That is most men's problem. CJ is a lot of men.
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  Speaker 1: It's like they know something, that's all, but it's still
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  Speaker 1: lack of awareness to say I need help. I'm at
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  Speaker 1: a place in my life DJ where I would wave
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  Speaker 1: this white flag without thinking about it. I'm gonna pick
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  Speaker 1: up that phone and I'm gonna call one of my
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: brothers whether it's Joe, whether it's Chris, Bishop, Jake's Bishop Borders,
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  Speaker 1: my cousin Wes. I'm gonna call men, and I'm gonna say, Bro,
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  Speaker 1: I ain't good right now.
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  Speaker 2: Bro. I don't feel like I don't feel like being
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  Speaker 2: here right now. Bro.
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  Speaker 1: I don't feel like I can keep going. I don't
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  Speaker 1: feel like I can do this. Man, we gotta get
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  Speaker 1: comfortable with the hard conversation with ourselves because if you
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: don't have the hard conversation with ourselves, you create a crisis.
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  Speaker 1: And when you create that crisis, now it becomes even
• 16:24
  Speaker 1: more of a deeper issue, and it creates deeper wounds
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: because we got a community that's hurting, and we got
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  Speaker 1: these two children that's got to grow up and gotta
• 16:34
  Speaker 1: deal with the grief. Because here's the other part, right
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  Speaker 1: with the Fairfax situation. They Man, it's gonna be hard
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: for these children in the process because regardless of what happened,
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: we can't separate dad from mom because they're are parents.
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  Speaker 1: Regardless of how it happened, regardless of what he did,
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  Speaker 1: children don't know to separate the two because that's dad.
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: So now they got to grow up in an environment
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: that's going to in some way insinuate or in some
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: way to insert an opinion that you gotta choose because
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: your dad did this, your mom didn't, didn't deserve this,
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: and she didn't.
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  Speaker 2: And neither did they, and he didn't.
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  Speaker 1: But you know what I believe is that some parts
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: of him felt like I couldn't come back from this
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  Speaker 1: or I can't recover.
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  Speaker 2: Brother.
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  Speaker 1: Let me tell you this, and I'm looking you in
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  Speaker 1: the camera. There's always a way out. The biggest trick
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: that the devil plays on a lot of men mind.
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  Speaker 1: Because I was one of them, I've talked about surviving
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: to suicide.
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  Speaker 2: I can remember vividly of the devil telling.
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  Speaker 1: Me this is your way out, and I'm here to
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  Speaker 1: tell you it's not the only way.
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  Speaker 2: Brother, There is another way.
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  Speaker 1: Thinking that I'll take myself out and everybody's gonna be
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: better because they won't have to deal with me, you
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: now create a deeper wound for them because now they
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: have to live with the pain of the loss, because
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: every person that's connected to you gonna feel like DJ ma'am.
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: What could I have done? What could I have said?
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: Could I have stopped this? Could I have changed this?
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: This is why when suicide happens. It affects everybody for
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: whatever reason. And I'm telling you I can talk on
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  Speaker 1: it because I live through it. My mother tells me
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  Speaker 1: all the time, Jay, I don't know what I would
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: have done, son, if they called and told me you
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: were gone. She said, Baby, I know for a fact,
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: I would not have wanted to live. So my child,
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: my son, he's gone. So, brother, So if you hear
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  Speaker 1: nothing else that I'm saying, and I know, it's hard
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  Speaker 1: to ask for help, because sometimes help isn't so inviting.
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  Speaker 1: Sometimes the help that we have received as boys and
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: the men has oftentimes manipulated the space. I cannot tell
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: you how many times men have said to me, CJ Doc,
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: I went for help, and they explored me. I went
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: for help, and he turned the story, she twisted it.
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: I went for help, and they didn't want to see
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: me get better. They wanted to see me stay sick.
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  Speaker 1: This is why a lot of men don't go to therapy.
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: This why a lot of men, and again I'm gonna
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: go here, A lot of men don't go to therapy,
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: and particularly men. Some men like to work with female therapists.
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: Some men don't because, particularly if that brother has a
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: mother womb. Now he can either. Some brothers will either
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: be open to seeing it a female therapist because they
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: have a mother womb. Some brothers won't see a female
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: therapist because they have a mother wom Because the resentment
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: I have toward my mom and the issues I have
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: toward my mom, I can't receive the help from her
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: because I feel like, in some way this could be
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: my mom. I can't receive help from doctor J because
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: I don't know what it's like to have a healthy
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: relationship with men, because I never had one with the man.
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: Because see, even if you didn't grow up.
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: With men a man in the house, a lot of
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: brothers and grow up with male energy, a lot of
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: brothers did not have male energy. So male energy in
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: some way pushes against the programming of what they have seen.
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: So when a man comes assertive and you hear the
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: tone of a man voice, it makes the little boy
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: feel uncomfortable, and it makes the little boy feel like
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: you saying that I'm not this, and you're saying that
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: I'm not there. No a father, because whether you're a
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: father or not, every man has the potential to be
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: a father because we all carried See, so even if
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: we never become biological fathers, there are still a part
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: of us as have a father in nature because you
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: have seed. But if you were not raised around a
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: man's very difficult for you to receive from a man.
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  Speaker 1: And so I'm just kind of giving context of this
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: and so and and closing is out because I feel
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: like that a lot of men that I have worked
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: with and work with working with women that are I'm
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: out of abusive relationship. And let me say this, I've
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: never seen a man that love himself put his hands
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  Speaker 1: on a woman. We'll talk. I love myself DJ. I
• 22:13
  Speaker 1: don't care how mad she make me. I love me
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  Speaker 1: too much to be in jail. I love me too
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: much to allow her to push me to that. And
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: I'm not saying that she's right for whatever reason that
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: it happened. But what I'm saying is that I love
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  Speaker 1: myself to understand that her first respond is always CJ,
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: how she feel. My respond is always how I think.
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  Speaker 1: Think about that. That is the difference between logic and emotions.
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  Speaker 1: Logic thinks, emotions feel. But here's what God is really
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: trying us, trying to get us to understand, is that
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: you both need each other because I can think it,
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: but I need to be balanced by feeling it. You
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: can feel it, but you need to be balance by
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: somebody who can think it. And this is why the
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: great equalizer to men and women is each other. So
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: while we out here having all of these gender wards,
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: we're missing what God has really called us to really
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: do is to build with each other. And it doesn't matter.
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: You don't have to be in a loving relationship to
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: have healthy relationships to where you have the balance of Hey,
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: I hear what you're saying. Brother, I see how you thinking,
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: but have you felt this. Hey babe, I get it.
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: I know how you feel. But think about this, and
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: I think if we can get brothers to the other
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: side of this. Man, Because brother, let me tell you something. Man,
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: until you fix what happened, nobody's safe around you because
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: you're unpredictable. Until you fix who did it, what went wrong?
• 23:58
  Speaker 2: Who said it?
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: When it has Until you fix that, brother, anybody that
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: is in relationship with you, Man, it's unsafe because you unpredictable.
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: I tell anybody this. You know I played ball, and
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: you know we used to go out. And then when
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: I was done playing ball, I trained a lot of
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: pro athletes.
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: That was my business.
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: And you know, DJ, we would go out and you know,
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: you go to a spot man, and you know, especially
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: when you got pro guys around, a lot.
• 24:28
  Speaker 2: Of egos, a lot of egos.
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: Let me tell y'all something this is, especially when you
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: got pro athletes CJ with dope boys around that negro
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: is a bad combination to have pro athletes and dope
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: boys in the same building.
• 24:45
  Speaker 2: I don't care what nobody say. Too many egos.
• 24:49
  Speaker 1: And here's the other part of it, too many fragile egos.
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: Nobody talks about the fragility of these quote unquote masculine dudes.
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: Where I'm gonna put this helmin on and I'll run
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: you over, or I got the stick on me and
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: I'm ready. Both fragile. Both are the most emotional people
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: I've ever seen. The athlete is ready to hit punt
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: somebody because he won't show how strong he is. The
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: dope boy is ready to shoot you because he want
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: to show you.
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying. He ain't the one. You
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: know what I'm saying.
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: So I used to watch these two dynamics, right, And
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: one night we was out somewhere and I heard a.
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: Guy goes, nigga, I don't give up. You know what.
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: I looked at my boys, dj I said it's time
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: to go. Here's why I'm bringing this up. When you
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: love yourself, no, my brothers, you have an understanding, and
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: you have a level of sagaciousnessity, keen and security. You
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: have a level of desernment to know. Young man don't
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: love hisself. And if he don't love himself, guess what
• 26:10
  Speaker 1: the nigga, he don't love you and he said, I
• 26:14
  Speaker 1: don't give a Oh, I said it's time to go.
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: The worst person you can be around is somebody who
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: has nothing to lose. That's the worst person you can
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: be around. Somebody who has nothing to lose. They'll take
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: you out. They'll take everybody else out and take themselves
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: out because they feel that they have nothing to live for.
• 26:41
  Speaker 1: This is why, brothers, be careful of surrounding yourself with
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: men who have nothing to live for and men who
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: have nothing to lose. You cannot get me to be
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: around men who have nothing to live for and nothing
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: to lose. Ain't no way, ain't no way. Want to
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: be surrounded with somebody because you don't care about life.
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: And this ain't on No y'all this nigga scared man, Dude,
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: go home, matter of fact, No, no you stay, I'll
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: go home. I'll go home because guess what I want
• 27:13
  Speaker 1: to be. I want to be at home in my bed. No,
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: I don't desire to be on a T shirt. I
• 27:19
  Speaker 1: don't desire to have liquor poured out for my existence
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: or once knowing that man, this is for doctor.
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: I don't like dude. I don't have an ego.
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: And here's the thing, brothers, we all have egos to
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: where you know, we all have this this thing in
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: us right which is testos from where you want to
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: be the lion to defend. But man, you got to
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: know how to use wisdom. There are some things that
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: I've walked away from and be like that ain't my fight.
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: See here's what get a lot of y'all in trouble
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: got too much approved. When you get to a place
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: in your life, DJ, when you say you know what,
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: I have nothing to prove, you can go home and
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: not feel less than a man. In fact, I feel
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: more of a man that I was able to walk
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: away because I'm not only leaving with my dignity. I'm
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: leaving with my life. I'm leaving with my life and
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: I can get to wake up tomorrow, go work out,
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: go run.
• 28:22
  Speaker 2: Do all the things.
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: Because here's the thing, guys, this is not a video
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: game that we're living in. They ain't shooting you and
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: then you restarting the game. This ain't Grand Theft Auto.
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: This is real life when I have to sit with
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: parents who have lost their young son, and I've gone
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: to schools and talk to kids and have to give
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: them an understanding that death is final. You don't get
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: to come back. There's no do over. That there is
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: no do over. This is final.
• 29:00
  Speaker 2: I'll never forget. I was in school and.
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: This student took their lives, and they brought me in
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: to talk to the students. There were some students there
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: cj that felt like the student was going to come back.
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: And they was like six and seventh graders. It hadn't
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: registered to them that death was final. It's final, and
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: that's for you, my brothers, and then closing.
• 29:39
  Speaker 2: My father.
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: Don't know that I know this story that I just
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: shared with you, guys. He doesn't know that I know
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: because my mother told me. My father doesn't know that
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: I know. He battles with depression. Any time that you're gifted,
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: my father's a pastor knowing it man of God. Any
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: time that you give than God has set you apart,
• 30:02
  Speaker 1: I think the prerequisite is a mental health issue. Every
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: person in the Bible that I know was gifted had
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: a mental health.
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: Issue or disorder. I truly believe.
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: That, and I'm not saying that God gave it to them,
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: but I think when you look at them being chosen,
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: the circumstances shape them. When you think about Moses and
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: his anger issues, I'm just use them as his anger.
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: The genesis of his anger was rooted in abandonment, because
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: let's be honest, his anger isn't revealed until he's revealed,
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: until there's a revelation of who he is, until he learns,
• 30:51
  Speaker 1: my good brother, my good sir, you ain't really Egyptian.
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: You raised with us, but you ain't one of us.
• 31:01
  Speaker 1: You actually a Hebrew. So here's how trauma works. That
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: was laying dormant because it was bound to come out
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: because his mother wasn't his real mother. So the very
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: thing that caused him to kill the man became the
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: very thing that caused him to miss out on the
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: promised land that destroyed you know what I'm saying, that
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: caused him to miss out. So sometimes, brothers, the very
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: thing that we haven't addressed could be the very thing
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: that causes us to miss out on what God really
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: has for us our destiny.
• 31:44
  Speaker 2: That can be that can be.
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: Having sexual promisecurity, that can be lying, that can be addiction.
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: That can be dealing with the rejection of your dad,
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: your mom, the abandonment, the abuse, all those things, because
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: here's what happened.
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: If you don't deal with it, it deals with you.
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: It deals with you.
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: And so when I talk about most of the people
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: in the Bible having these things like I also think
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: that God used them because they didn't really know who
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: they were, and then because they had an issue, they
• 32:26
  Speaker 1: were very unqualified. Because I think if you're qualified, I
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: don't think God really wants anything to do with you
• 32:33
  Speaker 1: because he can't give you what you need because you
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: have it all. And to really know God is to
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: really know that he really doesn't need you, but he
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: chooses you because you don't have what you need and
• 32:47
  Speaker 1: He's going to equip you what you need, which is
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: why they'd say that he doesn't call the qualified.
• 32:53
  Speaker 2: He calls.
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: He doesn't calls to qualified. He qualifies the call. That's
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: what he does. So you know, all of us have
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: our issues, all of us have our proclivities, idiosyncrasies, all
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: of us have all of these different things that separates
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: us from being perfect. But I think that you get
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: perfected in dealing with it and addressing it. And so, brother,
• 33:33
  Speaker 1: I hope that you could take what I've shared today
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: and understand and hear my heart because I want our
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: women to feel safe. I want our kids to feel
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: safe because they don't deserve to lose their lives because
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: we've lost ourselves. It's okay, brother, to go find yourself
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: in therapy, go find yourself in church, to go find
• 33:59
  Speaker 1: yourself coaching. They'll go find yourself a mentor, go find
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: yourself in a gym. They go find yourself on the
• 34:05
  Speaker 1: long walk. To go find yourself riding a bike, riding
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: a motorcycle. Bro, It's okay to go find yourself whatever
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: that is. Because again, I mean, I'm not oblivious that
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: to the fact that every man is not going to therapy.
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: But maybe is there something that you do that is
• 34:21
  Speaker 1: therapeutic that allows you to regulate your emotions. So you
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: don't become disregulated on someone and they become an innocent
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: bystander in your crisis. I love you, brother, I mean brother.
• 34:36
  Speaker 1: I love you. I love you brother, I love you
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: black man. I want to see you better, but I
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: want you to see you better. And let me say this,
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: better is going to require you to lose the version
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: of yourself and to lose the story that you've been
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: telling so many times. I met brothers there and they
• 34:58
  Speaker 1: fifty still talking about what didn't happen is high school
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: and I was supposed to go to the league.
• 35:02
  Speaker 2: I was supposed. Brother, It's okay to leave.
• 35:05
  Speaker 1: That story behind and create a new story. Create a
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: new story, brother, because you deserve a better ending. So
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: some of you know me from Just here, Bro, from
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: the book The Journal that took the world by storm
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: a few years ago, because brothers were buying this book
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: left and right. And I wrote this book, brother, because
• 35:32
  Speaker 1: when I started therapy, I grew up only boy around
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: a lot of women. I didn't have a voice because
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: I had to be the strong one. You can click
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: on the link. Just Here Bro is available on Amazon.
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: Go grab your copy.
• 35:47
  Speaker 2: Brother.
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: It's not a long book, It's a journal. That's great
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: prompts in there. There's a great call to action because again,
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: everybody's not going to therapy, but just maybe you find
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: your voice in that journal through writing it out. You
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: have to get it out, brother, you have to get
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: it out. You gotta tell somebody. You don't have to
• 36:11
  Speaker 1: tell me. You have to tell your spouse, you have
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: to tell your family member. But maybe you can release
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: it through writing it out. That's why I wrote this journal.
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: I didn't want to create a big book because I
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: didn't want a brother to feel insecure.
• 36:23
  Speaker 2: I didn't want a brother to feel over whem.
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: I didn't want him to feel like, man, where do
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: I start, because that's usually the question. But from the
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: testimonies that I've received from so many men, black men,
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: white men, gay men, straight men, all types of men,
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: from all walks of life have said, Brother, this book
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: has been one of the best tools because I could
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: not share this information with somebody and I wasn't ready.
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: And then brothers are using it and then they'll begin
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: that therapeutic journey. So I was in prayer, bro and
• 37:01
  Speaker 1: I was going to do away with the tour, said, man,
• 37:04
  Speaker 1: I just need the rest because I've been pouring into
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: men for three years. God allowed me to take a
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: year off to get myself together, and then God said,
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: I need you to bring this tour back. So I'm
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: bringing the Just Here Bro Tour back this year. And
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: this year I have renamed it the Just Healed Experience
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: and our motto is healing in real time.
• 37:32
  Speaker 2: Brothers.
• 37:32
  Speaker 1: Go to this link below just Healexperience dot com. We're
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: going to start in the first city in Baton Rouge, Louisiana,
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: May twenty fourth, and this is free. We got room
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: for three hundred, brothers. This is free. This is free.
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: Three hundred brothers. We got room for you. Your ticket
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: is already paid for. Thank you to the State of Louisiana.
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: Thank you to doctor Polk and her team who has
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: made that possible. All you gotta do, brother is just
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: show up. You don't need a ticket, just show up.
• 38:07
  Speaker 1: It's already covered. Our next stop is Dallas, Texas. Dallas, Texas,
• 38:12
  Speaker 1: this is where I reside. And I said to myself, CJ,
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: I'm all over the world. We travel everywhere, and I said,
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: how dare us not do something in our own backyard.
• 38:22
  Speaker 1: We're going to be at the AT and T Center
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: at Hammond Hall June twentieth. June twentieth, again, go to
• 38:30
  Speaker 1: the link the just hell I mean, I'm sorry, Justhell
• 38:33
  Speaker 1: Experience dot Com and get your tickets.
• 38:37
  Speaker 2: Myself is going to be leading that.
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna be leading all of these tours and I'm
• 38:42
  Speaker 1: bringing in brothers to do workshops because.
• 38:44
  Speaker 2: We gotta have some teaching.
• 38:46
  Speaker 1: We gotta have some teaching, and we gotta have some
• 38:50
  Speaker 1: process and some time to process. So June twentieth, I'm
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: in Dallas, Texas. Click this link, brothers and go get
• 38:58
  Speaker 1: your ticket. I have some great brothers that's going to
• 39:01
  Speaker 1: be sharing. I have a special guest. I'm not going
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: to name him yet. I'm excited that he's going to
• 39:07
  Speaker 1: be joining us to pour into the men that is
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: going to intend it. Remember, Brothers, healing is a journey
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: and wholeness is the destination. We are healing in real time.
• 39:21
  Speaker 1: So I want to cover some man really quick. And
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: then I'm gonna respond to a question online that was
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: saying I want to talk about ACE. Nobody talks about ACE, right,
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: So ACE is adverse childhood experiences that has taken place
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: before the age of eighteen. Now, and let me just
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: kind of give you a little context that ace. There's
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: three categories. There's abuse, neglect, and household challenges. Abuse, neglect,
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: and household challenges. Now, abuse could be physically, emotionally and verbally.
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: Then you got neglect that can be physically emotionally. Then
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: you have household challenges. You grew up in a household
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: where your mom or dad was incarcerated, or if somebody
• 40:01
  Speaker 1: in the household had a mental illness, or that was
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: substance dependence, you had a family member or your parent
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: was an addict crack epidemic. Right, and then you think
• 40:12
  Speaker 1: about parental separation, divorce, or this one which a lot
• 40:18
  Speaker 1: of us have seen, intimate partner violence. Now here's what
• 40:21
  Speaker 1: A said. A says, if you have four or more
• 40:27
  Speaker 1: CJ of these, you're thirty seven times more to attempt suicide.
• 40:34
  Speaker 1: And I'm just I'm not even gonna list all the
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: other things. Right, five times more likely to have depression
• 40:40
  Speaker 1: or to be depression, all those different things. Now, the
• 40:42
  Speaker 1: reason I'm giving you guys this is because we don't
• 40:46
  Speaker 1: really talk about We don't talk about this enough to
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: paint the backdrop of where all of this trauma comes from.
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: So the question was asked from Tracy. No, Tracy j
• 41:02
  Speaker 1: great friend of mind. Her and Taraji has a great foundation,
• 41:06
  Speaker 1: the Boy's Henson Foundation. So Tracy, thank you for the comment.
• 41:11
  Speaker 1: Tracy says, thank you. As always, Jay, We got to
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: also help these men release what they're physically holding in
• 41:19
  Speaker 1: their bodies, the anger, the rage. The mind takes cues
• 41:24
  Speaker 1: from the body rarely the other way around. It's rarely
• 41:29
  Speaker 1: the mind. It's rarely the body taking its cues from
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: the mind. The mind is taking cues from the body
• 41:35
  Speaker 1: because the body doesn't forget.
• 41:38
  Speaker 2: So we need to heal both.
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: And this is why I created Just Run Bro because
• 41:45
  Speaker 1: running brothers. Running has the same effect as an antidepressant. Right,
• 41:51
  Speaker 1: it's movement. It allows whatever is in the body, what
• 41:56
  Speaker 1: is being recycled, what is being regurgitated, what it's being
• 41:59
  Speaker 1: a replay, Running allows it to move. That's all the
• 42:04
  Speaker 1: antidepressant does. But what the antidepressant does is it shuts
• 42:08
  Speaker 1: off certain parts of the neurotransmitters where you don't replay it.
• 42:12
  Speaker 1: It's on palls, so you can kind of have this
• 42:15
  Speaker 1: happy space and then all of a sudden, when it wears,
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: all that thoughts come right back.
• 42:20
  Speaker 2: And this is how a lot.
• 42:20
  Speaker 1: Of people get not saying addicted, but you become codependent
• 42:25
  Speaker 1: upon the medication. So the reason why I created the
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: Just Run bro because they always wanted to put me
• 42:33
  Speaker 1: on antidepressant. I said, no, I love to run. I
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: played fullback and running back, so I running and I
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: ran track like I love to run. And what I
• 42:42
  Speaker 1: realized is that running was not only it wasn't just
• 42:47
  Speaker 1: about getting getting as high, but running allowed my body
• 42:51
  Speaker 1: to feel sort of free of whatever I had on
• 42:55
  Speaker 1: my mind before that. The other part of this we
• 42:58
  Speaker 1: don't talk enough about. It's somatic healing, breathing, grounding. Trauma
• 43:04
  Speaker 1: has to be moved. A lot of brothers are stuck
• 43:10
  Speaker 1: because they don't move. If you have had a traumatic,
• 43:14
  Speaker 1: if you've had one of these experience that to happen
• 43:18
  Speaker 1: to you physical, emotional, or verbally abuse, you are neglected
• 43:23
  Speaker 1: physically or emotional.
• 43:25
  Speaker 2: Let's just start there, CJ.
• 43:26
  Speaker 1: If you had either one of those that happened in
• 43:28
  Speaker 1: your childhood before the age of eighteen, that trauma is
• 43:33
  Speaker 1: probably still sitting there. And what we gotta do, brothers,
• 43:36
  Speaker 1: is stop coping and stop escaping. Smoking weed is an escape,
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: pouring escape, drinking escape, sex is an escape, and every
• 43:53
  Speaker 1: time that we participate in these things, we do nothing
• 43:57
  Speaker 1: but force the trauma deeper into the cellular system. So
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: you can't think out or you can't think beyond, because
• 44:08
  Speaker 1: the trauma is living in yourselves. It's living in your body.
• 44:13
  Speaker 1: So what Tracy said is so on point. We gotta
• 44:17
  Speaker 1: get it out. We gotta move brother. You can't sit
• 44:20
  Speaker 1: in the house all day on the video game, and
• 44:22
  Speaker 1: I get it, have nothing wrong with gaming, but what
• 44:25
  Speaker 1: happens is there's no movement. When there's When there's movement,
• 44:29
  Speaker 1: guess what you have momentum.
• 44:31
  Speaker 2: So if you're.
• 44:32
  Speaker 1: Sitting still all day and you have this idea at
• 44:36
  Speaker 1: an ideology that nobody cares for me, nobody want to
• 44:41
  Speaker 1: see me, better start walking. Watch your thoughts change, start running,
• 44:46
  Speaker 1: Start going to the gym, Start doing something rather than
• 44:49
  Speaker 1: sitting in the dark room with the blinds called clothes,
• 44:53
  Speaker 1: with the curtain clothes, listening to music that drives you
• 44:59
  Speaker 1: into a deeper sp This is the issue that I
• 45:01
  Speaker 1: have with a lot of the music today. These kids
• 45:04
  Speaker 1: are addicted to pain, and even kids DJ who didn't
• 45:08
  Speaker 1: grow up into the environment as an NBA young boy
• 45:11
  Speaker 1: as a ride way, they take on their pain because
• 45:15
  Speaker 1: somehow pain now is so profitable that, hey, I want
• 45:19
  Speaker 1: to be a part of that. And guess what pain
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: gets attention. So if you're not careful, you would have
• 45:28
  Speaker 1: attached somebody's story to your life and be taking that on.
• 45:32
  Speaker 1: And again, I'm just providing context so you, brothers can
• 45:34
  Speaker 1: have this. Brothers, we gotta move because if you don't move, man,
• 45:40
  Speaker 1: it is very difficult for the trauma to move. And
• 45:42
  Speaker 1: so here's the other part of it, brothers. Right by
• 45:48
  Speaker 1: us not realizing that trauma is living in our bodies,
• 45:54
  Speaker 1: we continue to make ourselves sick. And I want to
• 45:57
  Speaker 1: tell you this, brother, You'll start sleeping better once you
• 45:59
  Speaker 1: get that trauma out of you start sleeping better. This
• 46:03
  Speaker 1: is why exercise. This is why I'm so big on
• 46:05
  Speaker 1: men having a physical routine.
• 46:07
  Speaker 2: CJ.
• 46:08
  Speaker 1: Here's what happens when you exercise, Brothers, it regulates your
• 46:13
  Speaker 1: nervous system. Some of you are unregulated. And when you're unregulated,
• 46:17
  Speaker 1: you become disregulated. So what happens any man that has
• 46:21
  Speaker 1: not processed his pain, has not process his trauma. You're
• 46:24
  Speaker 1: going to become a or B or you're gonna become
• 46:27
  Speaker 1: both a suicidal B homicidal or you become both. Anytime
• 46:35
  Speaker 1: you don't process your pain or trauma, you're going to
• 46:38
  Speaker 1: become homicidal or suicidal because you're not regulated and you
• 46:47
  Speaker 1: become disregulated. Exercise regulates the nervous system, man, and it
• 46:55
  Speaker 1: moves you out of that fight or flight mode.
• 46:57
  Speaker 2: Man. Some of y'all are in fight a flight.
• 47:00
  Speaker 1: Oh So anytime somebody say something to you, you a
• 47:04
  Speaker 1: hair trigger, you, all they gotta do is pull that
• 47:07
  Speaker 1: pin out. You're gonna explode. You're you're gonna explode because
• 47:14
  Speaker 1: you don't take time to process. So this other question
• 47:20
  Speaker 1: that that we receive, why do men refuse therapy? Seriously,
• 47:27
  Speaker 1: women are exhausted from one taken on therapists level labor
• 47:34
  Speaker 1: for a partner who doesn't do it for themselves. I'm
• 47:37
  Speaker 1: gonna address that first. Number one, Most men refuse therapy
• 47:43
  Speaker 1: because men have been frowned upon or ostracized or in
• 47:50
  Speaker 1: some way being criticized for a saying that they needed
• 47:56
  Speaker 1: to go to therapy, that they needed to go to help.
• 47:59
  Speaker 1: So this whole old stigma with men didn't just pop up.
• 48:04
  Speaker 1: This was created because somewhere in the program and we
• 48:10
  Speaker 1: made men feel like that they weren't human humans if
• 48:14
  Speaker 1: they needed help. Rich white men been going to therapy
• 48:19
  Speaker 1: for years. I'm not even gonna get into because I
• 48:22
  Speaker 1: was really looking for my stuff on Sigma fraud. I
• 48:25
  Speaker 1: really want to talk about that and how he felt
• 48:27
  Speaker 1: about black people in therapy, and how he felt about
• 48:30
  Speaker 1: black people and slavery, how we were.
• 48:35
  Speaker 2: It's a whole old guy.
• 48:36
  Speaker 1: Doctor Rito Walker, I think I'm saying her name correctly.
• 48:42
  Speaker 1: Has an amazing book, and there's a lot of great reads,
• 48:45
  Speaker 1: Like there's a lot of great peer review articles. And
• 48:48
  Speaker 1: peer review articles are articles that has been researched, articles
• 48:51
  Speaker 1: that have been tested current or current information, or case
• 48:56
  Speaker 1: studies that have been researched and had been verified, Like
• 49:00
  Speaker 1: I tell people, if it's not peer reviewed, like, I
• 49:02
  Speaker 1: will question the validity of it if you have been
• 49:05
  Speaker 1: in a doctoral program. Not again, no shade against honorary doctorate. Again,
• 49:12
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I just I can't do it. But people
• 49:15
  Speaker 1: who have done research, people who've done that homework.
• 49:18
  Speaker 2: I'm just sorry.
• 49:18
  Speaker 1: I can't call you doctor if it's honorary because we
• 49:21
  Speaker 1: put in too much work, put in too many hours,
• 49:24
  Speaker 1: and all those different things. But these are where you
• 49:27
  Speaker 1: get your information. From I ain't talking about googling. I'm
• 49:29
  Speaker 1: talking about reading through articles. I used to read through
• 49:32
  Speaker 1: ten to twenty articles, sometimes within a few days because
• 49:36
  Speaker 1: of the research that was needed. And I'm sharing all
• 49:39
  Speaker 1: of this because we need to understand the backdrop of
• 49:43
  Speaker 1: certain things. So men are not going to therapy because
• 49:46
  Speaker 1: they're afraid of therapy. Men are going to therapy because
• 49:49
  Speaker 1: going to therapy at some point was shamed upon. Thank
• 49:54
  Speaker 1: God for saving my life and using me as an
• 49:57
  Speaker 1: instrument and using me as a coun to share my
• 50:01
  Speaker 1: story so men can feel good and feel courageous enough
• 50:06
  Speaker 1: to go get help. Part of that is because and
• 50:12
  Speaker 1: due to what this system is in the healthcare, Black
• 50:16
  Speaker 1: men don't have a healthy relationship with the healthcare system.
• 50:20
  Speaker 1: We all know what happened the Tuski You know what
• 50:23
  Speaker 1: I'm saying. We all know what happened that Tuskegee experiment.
• 50:29
  Speaker 1: So brothers who are not going to therapy now are
• 50:34
  Speaker 1: the sons and grandsons of men who told them the
• 50:37
  Speaker 1: story of what happened with that Tuskie experiment. So that
• 50:42
  Speaker 1: story lives in the back of their mind. And so
• 50:45
  Speaker 1: when somebody says go to therapy, it quickly jumps to
• 50:48
  Speaker 1: the front and the brothers say, man, you remember what
• 50:50
  Speaker 1: they did down in Alabama. I ain't going in there.
• 50:54
  Speaker 1: We gotta look at all of this. I don't think
• 50:56
  Speaker 1: men are just not wanting help. I think ay men
• 51:00
  Speaker 1: have been so violated when they have asked for help.
• 51:03
  Speaker 2: CJ.
• 51:06
  Speaker 1: They've been violated and explored. Who wants to be a
• 51:10
  Speaker 1: case study when you looking for help? Who wants to
• 51:15
  Speaker 1: be placed under a magnifying glass and go, oh, that's
• 51:20
  Speaker 1: your issue. Let's publicize this. So we got to look
• 51:27
  Speaker 1: at that before we say, brothers don't want to go
• 51:29
  Speaker 1: to therapy. And that's why I love the work that
• 51:32
  Speaker 1: I do. I love the work that Kiera Gaines does,
• 51:34
  Speaker 1: I love the work that Jason Wilson does. I love
• 51:38
  Speaker 1: the work that so many other brothers. If I didn't
• 51:40
  Speaker 1: call your name, you know what I mean, no shade.
• 51:42
  Speaker 1: But there's a lot of brothers that are social workers.
• 51:45
  Speaker 1: There's a lot of brothers that are great family therapists,
• 51:48
  Speaker 1: that are great LPC's, that are brothers that are great
• 51:51
  Speaker 1: coaches that are.
• 51:52
  Speaker 2: Doing the work.
• 51:55
  Speaker 1: And they got to fight tooth and nails to get
• 51:58
  Speaker 1: some recognition for people to acknowledge that hey, they have
• 52:02
  Speaker 1: the answer as well, and not that therapist has the answer.
• 52:05
  Speaker 1: But you know what I'm saying. We do carry an antidote,
• 52:12
  Speaker 1: and we gotta put ourselves. And here's the thing, brothers
• 52:15
  Speaker 1: ain't going until they see somebody do it. I say
• 52:19
  Speaker 1: this is often when I'm talking to sports players. Men
• 52:22
  Speaker 1: have to see it done. I just Jodan ain't never
• 52:26
  Speaker 1: jumping from that free throw line if doctor J never
• 52:29
  Speaker 1: does it. Doctor J was a model. He was a model.
• 52:36
  Speaker 1: Barry Sanders was who he was, but there was a
• 52:39
  Speaker 1: Gail Sayers like you gotta see it. So you can't
• 52:43
  Speaker 1: emulate healthy unless you see healthy. My work started in
• 52:50
  Speaker 1: South Central I used to speak at school in South Central, LA.
• 52:54
  Speaker 1: And then I used to speak at schools in Stockton, California, Richmond, California, Oakland,
• 52:58
  Speaker 1: all these school When you listen to these kids talk,
• 53:01
  Speaker 1: they tell you the lineage. Man, my uncle was a blood,
• 53:05
  Speaker 1: My uncle was a crip. That's all I saw. If
• 53:08
  Speaker 1: that's all you see, that's all you know. So we
• 53:14
  Speaker 1: have a bunch of men that we want to get better,
• 53:16
  Speaker 1: but they don't know anything else.
• 53:20
  Speaker 2: And that's why I have so much grace. So I
• 53:23
  Speaker 2: went on this tangent.
• 53:23
  Speaker 1: But part two of that sister question is taking on
• 53:26
  Speaker 1: a therapist's level of labor. Sister, stop taking on that role. Listen,
• 53:33
  Speaker 1: I'm telling you, stop taking on the role of a
• 53:37
  Speaker 1: therapist to a brother. Let that brother go on his
• 53:40
  Speaker 1: own journey. He'll be okay. Because see, sometimes you gotta
• 53:43
  Speaker 1: be careful. Do you want him to be better for
• 53:46
  Speaker 1: him or you want him to be better for you.
• 53:51
  Speaker 1: You gotta choose, and sometimes, sister, for him to be
• 53:55
  Speaker 1: better for him, that means you may have to leave.
• 54:02
  Speaker 1: You can't play the doctor while having a love entanglement
• 54:09
  Speaker 1: with your patient. You gotta let your patient go to rehab.
• 54:13
  Speaker 1: You gotta let your patient go to recovery. And some
• 54:17
  Speaker 1: of you want to nurse him back to health because
• 54:19
  Speaker 1: in your mind, I saw this in him. I knew
• 54:24
  Speaker 1: he had it in him. And again, I've been a
• 54:27
  Speaker 1: therapist for many, many years, and I've seen some women
• 54:31
  Speaker 1: why he didn't do that when he was with me.
• 54:32
  Speaker 2: Now, all of a sudden, he wanted.
• 54:34
  Speaker 1: This is why you gotta learn and let it go,
• 54:35
  Speaker 1: because you got to ask yourself, it's your ego tied
• 54:38
  Speaker 1: to him healing and getting better. You gotta be real
• 54:49
  Speaker 1: enough with yourself to say I want you better, but
• 54:51
  Speaker 1: I can't keep subjecting myself. And it's okay to allow
• 54:57
  Speaker 1: that brother to walk away, and or you walk away
• 55:00
  Speaker 1: for the better for the both of you. And sometimes
• 55:05
  Speaker 1: you got to ask yourself what's in it for me?
• 55:10
  Speaker 1: Because sometimes I just had to tell women why you
• 55:13
  Speaker 1: want him to be better? Because see, here's what happens CJ.
• 55:19
  Speaker 1: When you're caring for somebody who's sick. When they become well, DJ,
• 55:27
  Speaker 1: they have a change of heart. He'll I see different.
• 55:34
  Speaker 1: That's why I tell people be careful choosing when you're sick.
• 55:40
  Speaker 1: Be careful choosing when you're sick, because your choice may
• 55:44
  Speaker 1: be different when you become well. We all know the
• 55:48
  Speaker 1: story with the rabbit and the snake. Rabbit took that
• 55:53
  Speaker 1: snake in, cared for him, loved on them, nurse them
• 55:58
  Speaker 1: back to health, and sure enough, one day that old
• 56:02
  Speaker 1: snake turn around and bit them, and the rabbit says,
• 56:06
  Speaker 1: why would you do this to me after all I've done?
• 56:11
  Speaker 1: And the snake says, you knew I was a snake
• 56:14
  Speaker 1: before you from me. And sometimes, sisters, you can't let
• 56:20
  Speaker 1: your heart make decisions when it requires a head choice.
• 56:27
  Speaker 1: You cannot allow your heart to make a decision where
• 56:29
  Speaker 1: it requires your head to choose. You gotta choose from here.
• 56:35
  Speaker 1: And I'm not saying you abort your heart. But even
• 56:38
  Speaker 1: the Scripture says, the Bible says, the heart is deceitful.
• 56:45
  Speaker 1: Matter of fact, that scripture says, DJ it's a puzzle
• 56:48
  Speaker 1: that no man can solve. But he says, I, God
• 56:52
  Speaker 1: search the heart and examine the mind. He says, I
• 56:56
  Speaker 1: get to the root of the human And then, as
• 57:01
  Speaker 1: Scripture says, I see things as they are and now
• 57:05
  Speaker 1: not as they're presented or pretending to be.
• 57:08
  Speaker 2: And I'm paraphrasing for you theologians. You can't trust your heart.
• 57:17
  Speaker 1: That's why the scripts that tell us to guard it,
• 57:19
  Speaker 1: because out of it flows through issues of life, whatever
• 57:23
  Speaker 1: issues that is going on in your heart. I can
• 57:25
  Speaker 1: guarantee you if your mind is not healthy, it has
• 57:28
  Speaker 1: contaminated your mind. You just heard it said that the
• 57:31
  Speaker 1: trauma sending cues to the mind the body. Because trauma
• 57:36
  Speaker 1: is living in the body. What is sending blood throughout
• 57:39
  Speaker 1: the body your heart, So the trauma is living in
• 57:43
  Speaker 1: the very fabric of your blood, the very fabric of yourselves.
• 57:48
  Speaker 1: She's gotta be careful so you stop feeling like you
• 57:52
  Speaker 1: gotta be a therapist? Is somebody then two explain that
• 57:56
  Speaker 1: type of counseling would be so beneficial for him in
• 57:59
  Speaker 1: years with zero push back. Here's the thing. Here's the thing, ladies.
• 58:07
  Speaker 1: There's a lot of women that will reach out to
• 58:09
  Speaker 1: me and say, well, doctor J, how can I get
• 58:12
  Speaker 1: him to go to therapy? You can't, doctor J. How
• 58:17
  Speaker 1: can I get him to see that he needs help?
• 58:19
  Speaker 2: You can't. All you can do is plant a seed.
• 58:24
  Speaker 1: That's it. One plants, one waters, but God brings the increase.
• 58:30
  Speaker 1: And what I say often is that send him this clip,
• 58:37
  Speaker 1: send him a copy of my book. That's all you
• 58:39
  Speaker 1: can do is plant to see. You can't force him
• 58:42
  Speaker 1: to go to therapy. You can't force him to see
• 58:44
  Speaker 1: that he needs help. And the most difficult part of
• 58:47
  Speaker 1: his sisters mothers aunts wise is sometimes you may have
• 58:52
  Speaker 1: to make a decision. And let me say this, and
• 58:54
  Speaker 1: I'm not saying what you have to make a decision about.
• 58:56
  Speaker 1: I'm saying that sometimes you have.
• 58:59
  Speaker 2: To choose.
• 59:01
  Speaker 1: Healthy over love. You ever loved somebody and it wasn't
• 59:06
  Speaker 1: healthy for you. Sometimes you gotta choose what's healthy over
• 59:09
  Speaker 1: what you love. So many couples I've worked with and
• 59:13
  Speaker 1: they sit there, doctor J what he would do. And
• 59:16
  Speaker 1: as any great coalition would tell you, I don't give answers,
• 59:20
  Speaker 1: I don't give advice. I make suggestions and recommendations, and
• 59:26
  Speaker 1: I would say to them, particularly for the Bible people
• 59:31
  Speaker 1: that hates the divorce. You know, it's like, well, God
• 59:34
  Speaker 1: hates divorce, yeah, but doesn't mean that he don't he
• 59:38
  Speaker 1: won't permit it. Just keep it real with you because
• 59:45
  Speaker 1: I would be real because here's the reality of it,
• 59:48
  Speaker 1: right everybody. God hates divorce, but he divorced is real.
• 59:59
  Speaker 1: He divorce is real. Here's it is right here. God
• 1:00:01
  Speaker 1: symbolically divorced Northern Kingdom of Israel due to their persistent
• 1:00:05
  Speaker 1: outdolatry and covenant with violations, issuing a writ of divorce.
• 1:00:14
  Speaker 2: He hates it, but he permitted it. And what does
• 1:00:16
  Speaker 2: that mean?
• 1:00:17
  Speaker 1: Sometime you are in a situation that consistently violated you.
• 1:00:22
  Speaker 1: And let me say this, DJ, I love you brother,
• 1:00:26
  Speaker 1: know what your situation is. Not gonna put your business
• 1:00:28
  Speaker 1: out here, But sometimes the violations ain't gotta be infidelity.
• 1:00:33
  Speaker 1: Sometimes the violations this ain't good for my health, my
• 1:00:40
  Speaker 1: good brother c J. Love them to the moon and back.
• 1:00:44
  Speaker 1: I often tell him, get somebody, man that's gonna love
• 1:00:47
  Speaker 1: you to health, not death, because some of this love
• 1:00:53
  Speaker 1: can kill you literally and figuratively, or even for myself.
• 1:00:58
  Speaker 1: You want somebody that's gonna love you to health, somebody
• 1:01:03
  Speaker 1: that has love for you, that keeps you and themselves healthy,
• 1:01:07
  Speaker 1: because the reality of it is, I'm not pro any,
• 1:01:13
  Speaker 1: I'm pro healthy. If it's healthy, hey go for it.
• 1:01:17
  Speaker 1: They asked me what I think about divorce. Listen, listen,
• 1:01:22
  Speaker 1: some things you got to end. Take that however you
• 1:01:25
  Speaker 1: want to. How important is it that men create healthy
• 1:01:32
  Speaker 1: friendship for themselves? So I want to share this with
• 1:01:37
  Speaker 1: the brothers because I think this is I don't think
• 1:01:44
  Speaker 1: men realize how important friendships are, and particularly like right now,
• 1:01:51
  Speaker 1: like you know, and then there's a study and I'll
• 1:01:56
  Speaker 1: share some of this, Like right now, men over the
• 1:01:58
  Speaker 1: age of thirty five have a very very difficult time
• 1:02:00
  Speaker 1: developing friendships. Men have fearer friendship this day, is fearer
• 1:02:05
  Speaker 1: friendship these days, which is also hurting.
• 1:02:08
  Speaker 2: Their well being.
• 1:02:10
  Speaker 1: When you don't have community, you don't have a sense
• 1:02:14
  Speaker 1: of belonging. And I want to read this because these
• 1:02:16
  Speaker 1: are in my notes right now. The American Survey report
• 1:02:19
  Speaker 1: men have fewer social tithes overall than they used to,
• 1:02:24
  Speaker 1: with only twenty seven percent of men in twenty twenty
• 1:02:27
  Speaker 1: one saying that they had least six close friends compared
• 1:02:31
  Speaker 1: to fifty five percent in the nineties. This suggests that
• 1:02:34
  Speaker 1: men may be suffering from a friendship recession. That is
• 1:02:39
  Speaker 1: a lot that is likely affecting their health and happiness. Also,
• 1:02:47
  Speaker 1: I want to give this other part. Research also says
• 1:02:50
  Speaker 1: that men that having male friends in early adulthood is
• 1:02:53
  Speaker 1: important to men to help buffer them from stress. This
• 1:02:58
  Speaker 1: is why bromances are really a thing. You know, we
• 1:03:01
  Speaker 1: laugh and we used to. I think it was a
• 1:03:03
  Speaker 1: two two celebrities, two actors that they were talking about
• 1:03:06
  Speaker 1: always clown about that bro man. This is healthy, this
• 1:03:10
  Speaker 1: is healthy. A lot of this male isolation is what
• 1:03:13
  Speaker 1: is driving to suicide rate. It's too much isolation. It's
• 1:03:17
  Speaker 1: too much isolation. My brother, the worst place any man
• 1:03:23
  Speaker 1: can be left alone is with his thoughts, and especially
• 1:03:27
  Speaker 1: when they're not good. You need friends, brother, and I
• 1:03:33
  Speaker 1: know everybody you know. When Drake came out with his
• 1:03:36
  Speaker 1: saw no new friend, that joelma Jem it was jamming,
• 1:03:40
  Speaker 1: but the messaging in there also closed the door to
• 1:03:44
  Speaker 1: future friendships, because can I be honest, there are some
• 1:03:47
  Speaker 1: people that I was friends with in my twenties that
• 1:03:50
  Speaker 1: don't serve where I am where I am in life
• 1:03:52
  Speaker 1: in my forties, and some men, I get it, you
• 1:03:56
  Speaker 1: want to hold onto those same friends and y'all you're drinking, buddy,
• 1:04:00
  Speaker 1: you're fishing, buddy, But.
• 1:04:02
  Speaker 2: You can't grow.
• 1:04:05
  Speaker 1: In places that are no longer nurturing. And a lot
• 1:04:10
  Speaker 1: of men that stay friends to God today known which
• 1:04:13
  Speaker 1: I'm all for. Loyalty I'm all for, But again, where
• 1:04:16
  Speaker 1: are we growing to If we have the same story
• 1:04:20
  Speaker 1: at fifty that we had at twenty, there's a problem.
• 1:04:25
  Speaker 1: We shouldn't be still talking about what we used to
• 1:04:27
  Speaker 1: do in high school. We should be talking about what
• 1:04:30
  Speaker 1: we're getting ready to do. Man, brother, I'm getting ready
• 1:04:32
  Speaker 1: to go back to school.
• 1:04:33
  Speaker 2: Man.
• 1:04:33
  Speaker 1: Man, I think I want to open up this business,
• 1:04:35
  Speaker 1: but I think I want to I think I want
• 1:04:37
  Speaker 1: to get in the gym.
• 1:04:38
  Speaker 2: Man. I want to turn my life around. Man. I
• 1:04:40
  Speaker 2: want to get healthy. Man. I want to start going
• 1:04:43
  Speaker 2: to church. Man. I feel like God is dealing with me. Man.
• 1:04:45
  Speaker 1: I feel like, man, you know what man, brother, I
• 1:04:49
  Speaker 1: want to go take a trip. I've never been on
• 1:04:52
  Speaker 1: a vacation. You gotta be around men that are growing,
• 1:04:55
  Speaker 1: men that are expanding, men that also experience a full
• 1:04:59
  Speaker 1: range of their emotions, and not just men who's angry
• 1:05:03
  Speaker 1: all day.
• 1:05:04
  Speaker 2: Some of y'all are two.
• 1:05:05
  Speaker 1: You're too surrounded by dudes who are angry all the time,
• 1:05:10
  Speaker 1: and all they talk about is what they ain't got,
• 1:05:13
  Speaker 1: who did it, who took it, what the system won't do. Brothers,
• 1:05:17
  Speaker 1: you gotta change your environment. And I'm not just talking
• 1:05:20
  Speaker 1: about geographically. I'm talking about the environment here. Some of
• 1:05:25
  Speaker 1: us are in environment surrounding brothers who are not anywhere
• 1:05:30
  Speaker 1: further than where y'all left off at high school. It's
• 1:05:36
  Speaker 1: okay to outgrow your circle. It's okay. And I'll say
• 1:05:42
  Speaker 1: this on a personal level. I have three mentors right
• 1:05:47
  Speaker 1: now that are solid, and not all of them are equal.
• 1:05:52
  Speaker 1: Because I'm in a different place where I am now
• 1:05:56
  Speaker 1: in life, I rely on Bishop Jakes more and more
• 1:06:00
  Speaker 1: because of where I'm at. There was a season where Afford,
• 1:06:04
  Speaker 1: who still mentors me, there was a season where I
• 1:06:07
  Speaker 1: was talking to him often. Right now that season has changed.
• 1:06:12
  Speaker 1: There was a season where Bishop Borders was talking to
• 1:06:15
  Speaker 1: him often, and I'm still in relationship with all of
• 1:06:19
  Speaker 1: these men. But I'm showing you how when your life
• 1:06:21
  Speaker 1: is changing, even the relationships will change and the level
• 1:06:25
  Speaker 1: that they mentor you on because you're having different experiences.
• 1:06:30
  Speaker 1: Because when you start flying high, you gotta talk with
• 1:06:33
  Speaker 1: people that fly up there too. This is why equals
• 1:06:38
  Speaker 1: should never be having a conversation with chicken with a chicken.
• 1:06:40
  Speaker 2: Why what are we talking about?
• 1:06:42
  Speaker 1: We have two different perspectives, and if you have two
• 1:06:45
  Speaker 1: different perspectives, you have two different outlooks. We don't see
• 1:06:52
  Speaker 1: the same, and because we don't see the same, we
• 1:06:54
  Speaker 1: won't understand the same. I talk with Bishop more because
• 1:06:58
  Speaker 1: of more visibility. I've been giving more access. I've been
• 1:07:02
  Speaker 1: giving more opportunities. I've been giving more decision, I've been
• 1:07:05
  Speaker 1: giving more responsibility. And you have to be aware enough,
• 1:07:10
  Speaker 1: brother to say, you know what I need more in
• 1:07:13
  Speaker 1: this season of my life. I might not can't hang
• 1:07:15
  Speaker 1: out with Joe. I might need to hang out with
• 1:07:18
  Speaker 1: Brad a little more because Brad needs what I need
• 1:07:20
  Speaker 1: in this season. And let me say this, any brother
• 1:07:24
  Speaker 1: that you're close with that feels some type of way
• 1:07:27
  Speaker 1: that ain't on you. That's on him, because, brother, you
• 1:07:32
  Speaker 1: need camaraderie. Most of the guys that I played ball with,
• 1:07:38
  Speaker 1: most of the guys that I talk to that leave
• 1:07:40
  Speaker 1: the league, whether it's NBA, whether it's NFL, and whether
• 1:07:45
  Speaker 1: it's baseball, most of those guys struggle with the lack
• 1:07:50
  Speaker 1: of the locker room. It's not having camaraderie, it's not
• 1:07:56
  Speaker 1: having the friendship, it's not having my boys. They don't
• 1:07:59
  Speaker 1: have that. It's just like when these guys come back,
• 1:08:03
  Speaker 1: these these servicemen, right when they come back from you know, serving,
• 1:08:11
  Speaker 1: and they have to enter back into regular civilian life.
• 1:08:13
  Speaker 1: It's hard for them. It's hard for them because they
• 1:08:18
  Speaker 1: lose out. They miss the camaraderie. Brother, having friends is
• 1:08:23
  Speaker 1: good for your mental it's good for your emotion, it's
• 1:08:25
  Speaker 1: good for your body.
• 1:08:27
  Speaker 2: It's good for your health. I'm gonna read some more
• 1:08:30
  Speaker 2: of this.
• 1:08:31
  Speaker 1: Boys when they're young are capable, are capable of having
• 1:08:34
  Speaker 1: all kinds of fun with each other and enjoy hanging out,
• 1:08:38
  Speaker 1: being physical and all of that stuff. Then something happens.
• 1:08:42
  Speaker 1: We put them in school where it's okay to play
• 1:08:45
  Speaker 1: and be aggressive, but where there's something taboo about being
• 1:08:48
  Speaker 1: too friendly and we start to you know what I mean,
• 1:08:54
  Speaker 1: we start to kind of in some way pervert that that, y'all.
• 1:08:58
  Speaker 2: And for these ladies, this is why a lot of
• 1:09:00
  Speaker 2: guys hang out with men.
• 1:09:02
  Speaker 1: And again, you start doing this too much, sisters, question
• 1:09:05
  Speaker 1: your sexuality and all of that. I truly believe that
• 1:09:08
  Speaker 1: a lot of men struggle with wanting to feel like
• 1:09:11
  Speaker 1: they belong because sometimes you can be in a relationship
• 1:09:16
  Speaker 1: and still feel like you don't belong.
• 1:09:20
  Speaker 2: You have been with somebody that still felt alone. That's
• 1:09:23
  Speaker 2: a whole nother episode.
• 1:09:27
  Speaker 1: But you know, and here's the thing that a lot
• 1:09:30
  Speaker 1: of men struggle with CJ when it comes to friendship
• 1:09:32
  Speaker 1: is vulnerability.
• 1:09:33
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna read this.
• 1:09:34
  Speaker 1: The male operating system is learning that vulnerability is a
• 1:09:37
  Speaker 1: bad thing, that you're leaving yourself open to attack, and
• 1:09:43
  Speaker 1: that kind of wariness off of based on the need
• 1:09:46
  Speaker 1: to always be orentent toward that threat. And that's why
• 1:09:49
  Speaker 1: a lot of men open up because it's like man
• 1:09:51
  Speaker 1: to truly have friendship, it's like, you got to be vulnerable,
• 1:09:54
  Speaker 1: you gotta be open. But brother, here's the thing when
• 1:09:56
  Speaker 1: you when you sit with yourself, you begin to heal
• 1:09:59
  Speaker 1: and you begin to recover and and you begin to
• 1:10:02
  Speaker 1: become I can do away with somebody doing something with
• 1:10:06
  Speaker 1: my vulnerability, Like, what can you do with that?
• 1:10:13
  Speaker 2: Now?
• 1:10:13
  Speaker 1: I'm not saying go out there and be open and
• 1:10:15
  Speaker 1: be vulnerable everyone, but you can get to a place
• 1:10:17
  Speaker 1: where you're not allowing that to be the driver in
• 1:10:21
  Speaker 1: your decision that keeps you from building friendships that can
• 1:10:27
  Speaker 1: support you mentally, emotionally and physically, and to enhance friendships
• 1:10:34
  Speaker 1: should enhance your life. You should progress, not digress. You
• 1:10:41
  Speaker 1: should progress. And that vulnerability. Man, let me tell you
• 1:10:44
  Speaker 1: something I've learned. This vulnerability is everything. One of my
• 1:10:59
  Speaker 1: favorite poems by Malcolm Jamal Warner it's vulnerability is a
• 1:11:04
  Speaker 1: scary thing even when you're on the mean Black boys
• 1:11:07
  Speaker 1: boast bravados, not the scene broken, and so do black men.
• 1:11:15
  Speaker 1: That's how the poem starts off. Vulnerability is a scary
• 1:11:19
  Speaker 1: thing even on the mean Black boys boast bravado, not
• 1:11:27
  Speaker 1: the scene broken, and so do black men. Vulnerability is scary, man,
• 1:11:35
  Speaker 1: but it's necessary, And vulnerability is not scary with the
• 1:11:40
  Speaker 1: right person. It's actually cathartic. And there's some element of
• 1:11:45
  Speaker 1: catharsisist that allows you to feel free to where you're
• 1:11:49
  Speaker 1: not judged. You need friendships. Your brother is your greatest asset.
• 1:12:01
  Speaker 1: You need your spouse, your partner, but you need friendships.
• 1:12:06
  Speaker 2: Brother.
• 1:12:08
  Speaker 1: This is why I'm bringing just Heill back because you
• 1:12:10
  Speaker 1: need it. Click on this link just He'll Experience so
• 1:12:14
  Speaker 1: you can see the next city that we're going to
• 1:12:16
  Speaker 1: be coming to May twenty four, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
• 1:12:21
  Speaker 2: This is free June twentieth, Dallas, Texas.
• 1:12:26
  Speaker 1: Grab your tickets, Brothers, because this is about brothers healing
• 1:12:30
  Speaker 1: in real time through understanding the power of friendships, understanding
• 1:12:37
  Speaker 1: what emotional intelligence is all about, addressing parental wounds, but
• 1:12:42
  Speaker 1: then also defining what self care looks like for you.
• 1:12:48
  Speaker 1: Self care is more than just getting a haircut, and
• 1:12:50
  Speaker 1: for most of us, getting a haircut is everything.
• 1:12:52
  Speaker 2: Brothers.
• 1:12:52
  Speaker 1: I ain't gonna take that away from it. But sometimes
• 1:12:55
  Speaker 1: self care is not answering the phone for everybody who's
• 1:13:00
  Speaker 1: always calling on you. Sometimes self care is understanding that
• 1:13:04
  Speaker 1: you can take off that invisible cap that you keep
• 1:13:06
  Speaker 1: choking yourself with because you feel like you got to
• 1:13:09
  Speaker 1: save the day. I'm telling you save you. Stop falling
• 1:13:15
  Speaker 1: on the sword for people. Man, Let me tell you something.
• 1:13:18
  Speaker 1: Here's what happened, You'll fall on the sword and die
• 1:13:21
  Speaker 1: and they'll blame you for dying. Stop doing that, brother,
• 1:13:27
  Speaker 1: you matter too. Your mental health is your responsibility, not
• 1:13:33
  Speaker 1: your wife, not your partner, not your children, not the church,
• 1:13:38
  Speaker 1: not the pastor, not the counselor. It's your responsibility. One
• 1:13:43
  Speaker 1: of the greatest things, brothers, that I've learned to do
• 1:13:47
  Speaker 1: is to not care how people feel about what I
• 1:13:50
  Speaker 1: need to do for me. And that's hard because Brothers,
• 1:13:54
  Speaker 1: whether we know it or not, we care, and that's
• 1:13:56
  Speaker 1: nothing wrong with care. Sometimes I've had to make a
• 1:13:58
  Speaker 1: decision that did not my mother, that did not support
• 1:14:01
  Speaker 1: my family, but it supported me.
• 1:14:05
  Speaker 2: And my mental health was better.
• 1:14:08
  Speaker 1: Sometimes you need to take a break and be okay
• 1:14:10
  Speaker 1: with saying, you know what, I ain't got it today.
• 1:14:12
  Speaker 1: It is what it is. No apologies. Just many times, brother,
• 1:14:25
  Speaker 1: I've said no to things, no to engagements, you know,
• 1:14:29
  Speaker 1: and I probably could use the money to do something extra,
• 1:14:32
  Speaker 1: to do some different things, but I was like, I
• 1:14:33
  Speaker 1: don't feel like it. And I'm not telling you do
• 1:14:37
  Speaker 1: that because everybody's situation is different, but I'm just saying,
• 1:14:40
  Speaker 1: and sometimes you're gonna have to choose you and unfortunately, brothers.
• 1:14:44
  Speaker 1: When we take a pause, it's usually death. By the
• 1:14:48
  Speaker 1: time a man slowed down and started to really think
• 1:14:51
  Speaker 1: and breathe, he's dead. So take a pause, brother, before
• 1:14:58
  Speaker 1: it's your final pause.
• 1:15:00
  Speaker 2: Just Here with Doctor J, a production of the Black
• 1:15:02
  Speaker 2: Effect podcast Network.
• 1:15:04
  Speaker 1: For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,
• 1:15:09
  Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows, and you
• 1:15:11
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• 1:15:15
  Speaker 1: x and follow us on YouTube.
• 1:15:18
  Speaker 2: Just Here, Doctor J.