Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 206. When Love Turns Into Emotional Blackmail: Addiction, Guilt & Boundaries

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206. When Love Turns Into Emotional Blackmail: Addiction, Guilt & Boundaries · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apolgie Production. I eas your advice. Are you okay? What happened?
• 0:14
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  Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to Bestie Segment. I love Tuesdays,
• 0:31
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• 0:34
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• 0:40
  Speaker 2: this in. This is where you guys submit your anonymous obmissions.
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  Speaker 2: So today, what's happening?
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  Speaker 1: What have we got? Let's get stuck into it. I
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  Speaker 1: feel like the last couple have been really big stories.
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  Speaker 1: Big story.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, so thank you for your vulnerability. Whoever is bringing
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  Speaker 2: them in, they're completely anonymous.
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  Speaker 1: We appreciate it. Yeah, all right, let's go. Hi.
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  Speaker 3: I'd really love some advice on how to navigate a
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  Speaker 3: situation with my stepdad. He's raised me since I was two,
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  Speaker 3: so he's basically my real parent. He struggled with addiction
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  Speaker 3: for about ten years, but has been sober for the
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  Speaker 3: last year. Recently, he's relapsed on very heavy drugs meth
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  Speaker 3: AMD and MDMA, and everything has gone downhill quickly. He
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  Speaker 3: started sending me constant suicidal messages, telling me he was
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  Speaker 3: giving himself six months before he kills himself and that
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  Speaker 3: it would be my fault. He blamed me for his
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  Speaker 3: relapse and said I did this to him and calls
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  Speaker 3: me horrible names. I was genuinely terrified for his safety,
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  Speaker 3: so after one of the suicidal messages, I called the
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  Speaker 3: police for a welfare check. Ever since the welfare check,
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  Speaker 3: he's turned on me even more. The blame, the guilt tripping,
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  Speaker 3: and the extreme emotional abuse have only intensified. It's been
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  Speaker 3: overwhelming and honestly heartbreaking because this is someone who raised
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  Speaker 3: me and I've always thought so highly of. I love him,
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  Speaker 3: and I feel this deep responsibility because of our history.
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  Speaker 3: But I also know that I'm being emotionally abused intensely,
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  Speaker 3: and I don't know how to protect myself without feeling
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  Speaker 3: guilty or like I'm abandoning him. How do I navigate this?
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  Speaker 3: How do you support somebody in addiction and crisis without
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  Speaker 3: taking responsibility for their choices or absorbing the blame? And
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  Speaker 3: how do I let go of the guilt when he
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  Speaker 3: keeps putting it on me.
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  Speaker 2: Oh my goodness, I'm so curious. Is her mum's still
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  Speaker 2: around or like with her stepdad.
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  Speaker 1: That's all the context, babe.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, oh wow, I'm so sorry to you going through that.
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  Speaker 1: That is absolutely awful.
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  Speaker 2: I can't imagine how hard that is because you would
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  Speaker 2: feel part responsible because he's taking care of you your
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  Speaker 2: whole life, then you want to take care of him.
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  Speaker 2: But from other people that I've known that have known,
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: whether it's being brothers or partners or parents that have
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: had addictions, there's actually not a lot you can do. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: Like if there really isn't unless they're willing and open
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  Speaker 2: to go to rehab and to want to get better,
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  Speaker 2: Like you can't stop an addict so taking drugs, Like
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  Speaker 2: there really is nothing that you can do. Oh, the
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  Speaker 2: suicide's hard, isn't it, because yeah, you'll be terrified to
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  Speaker 2: abandon them in case you do that, then you'd feel responsible.
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  Speaker 2: But like I just want to tell you, like, it
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  Speaker 2: is not your responsibility. If that was deaf happen, it
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  Speaker 2: is not your fault, never will be your fault. I personally,
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  Speaker 2: I do think you're going to have to have some
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  Speaker 2: boundaries to protect your piece.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, otherwise he's going to keep.
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  Speaker 2: Pushing and pushing and pushing, and your mental health is
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  Speaker 2: going to take a massive hit. And I'm sure you
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  Speaker 2: have a life and job and potentially children take care
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  Speaker 2: of and you've got to take care of yourself. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: it sounds like there needs to be some strong boundaries
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  Speaker 2: in place. And is there anyone else in your family
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  Speaker 2: friends that can come in and try to help so
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  Speaker 2: it's not all on you. It sounds like you're really
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  Speaker 2: feeling like this is all on you, but don't have
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  Speaker 2: context of who.
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  Speaker 1: Else might be around.
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  Speaker 3: And it might even be perceived like that because he's
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  Speaker 3: behaving like that too, Yes, like he's putting everything on you.
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  Speaker 1: Yes, so I could imagine why.
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  Speaker 3: That's maybe part of the reason why you feel you're
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  Speaker 3: carrying the emotional weight from this.
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  Speaker 1: Oh, this is a really tough one.
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  Speaker 3: Like I haven't experienced what you're going through right now,
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  Speaker 3: and for that, I just I'm sorry to hear that
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  Speaker 3: this is what you are going through. But I have
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  Speaker 3: experienced somebody threatening suicide before.
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  Speaker 1: Really. Yeah, my first boyfriend. Oh I don't mind it too. Yeah,
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  Speaker 1: my first boyfriend did.
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  Speaker 3: And honestly, it's the scariest thing because you never want
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  Speaker 3: to play with someone's mental health like that, you know,
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  Speaker 3: And a part of you does feel responsible because you
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  Speaker 3: never want to be the reason why somebody quote unquote
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  Speaker 3: reached out for support and then you didn't take it seriously,
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  Speaker 3: So that part I understand how heavy that feels. But
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  Speaker 3: I remember when this happened to me, he had threatened
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  Speaker 3: it probably three or four times, and every time he
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  Speaker 3: threatened it, I went back.
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  Speaker 1: To the relationship. So it's like a manipulation. Yeah, it
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  Speaker 1: was a manipulative the control.
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  Speaker 3: It was like that was a way that he knew
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  Speaker 3: he could pull on my empathy and like my emotions,
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  Speaker 3: and it worked every time because I took it seriously
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  Speaker 3: enough that I never want him to do it, and
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  Speaker 3: it was just another way for him to pull me back.
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  Speaker 3: And then I remember on the fourth time him threatening
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  Speaker 3: that and me being like I'm sorry, like I've got
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  Speaker 3: to go kind of thing, and I just like ended
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  Speaker 3: up leaving.
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  Speaker 1: And obviously it was just a threat.
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  Speaker 3: It was like a maybe like a bid for attention
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  Speaker 3: or a way to pull me back.
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  Speaker 1: So I mean that was my experience.
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  Speaker 3: I'm not necessarily saying that that would be your experience too,
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  Speaker 3: But I often do find that it can be a
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  Speaker 3: way to just like emotionally manipulate, and you're already experiencing
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  Speaker 3: a lot of it as well, And I would never
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  Speaker 3: want that to be the reason why you choose to stay,
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  Speaker 3: because you know, obviously he's really struggling to help himself
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  Speaker 3: at the moment, which means he's not gonna want your
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  Speaker 3: help either. No, you know, it's like he has to
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  Speaker 3: want to help himself one hundred percent.
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  Speaker 1: So I don't really think you can do much more.
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  Speaker 3: No, but you do have to protect yourself from like
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  Speaker 3: the false threads of suicide because it is really tormenting,
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  Speaker 3: you know.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm really hoping there's someone else that you can
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  Speaker 2: lean on in this situation that also knows him to
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  Speaker 2: share the load. But yeah, I really don't think there's
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  Speaker 2: much you can do to save him, to help him.
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  Speaker 1: I suppose you could still be there.
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  Speaker 2: I don't know what capacity that is, but I do
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  Speaker 2: think you're going to have to have some boundaries around
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  Speaker 2: what that looks like moving forward, because you can't continue
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  Speaker 2: how you're continuing, because it's obviously killing you inside and
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  Speaker 2: really impacting your life.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm really sorry. This is happening. That's so tricky.
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  Speaker 3: It's so hard to and there's like a parent or
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  Speaker 3: guardian or just anyone in general who's unwilling to meet
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  Speaker 3: you where you need them. You know, it can be
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  Speaker 3: really disappointing and devastating, you know, because not.
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  Speaker 1: Even your stepdad anymore, though, is it. No, But it
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  Speaker 1: also doesn't mean that the grease is not there.
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  Speaker 3: No. You know, it's like because we have expectations of
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  Speaker 3: like how we want someone to behave, and then when
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  Speaker 3: they don't meet that expectation, we become disappointed and we go,
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  Speaker 3: oh my god, now my heart is broken because I
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  Speaker 3: just wish for you so badly to be this man
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  Speaker 3: or this version of yourself that you used to be,
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  Speaker 3: and you're not that anymore.
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  Speaker 2: I wonder what made him go sober, How he went sober,
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  Speaker 2: what was his motivation, what was his reasoning?
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  Speaker 1: How did he do that before? Yeah?
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  Speaker 2: I love that another way to explore it, because he's
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  Speaker 2: proven to himself he can do it for a year.
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  Speaker 2: Year is a long time. Well, he's got it in him.
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  Speaker 2: So that's something I'd be looking at as well. Yeah,
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  Speaker 2: I remember the person I knew that had I think
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  Speaker 2: it was a brother that was going through it. I
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  Speaker 2: remember she was saying, I had to look at him
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  Speaker 2: like it was a different human. He was what my
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  Speaker 2: brother was gone, Like my brother had died amongst that.
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  Speaker 2: But wow, yeah, because it wasn't the same man. How
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  Speaker 2: he is behaving and how he's treating them and what
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  Speaker 2: he was doing, like wasn't the brother she'd grown up with.
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  Speaker 2: And she said that kind of like helped separate and
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  Speaker 2: have her boundaries because she's like, this is a stranger
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  Speaker 2: to me. Yeah, and I can't help my brother right
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  Speaker 2: now because he's not there.
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  Speaker 1: Wow.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, God, I've put Nick in that position, my brother,
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  Speaker 3: and I'm like, oh my god.
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  Speaker 2: They'd be devastating, absolute devasthating, because you're grieving someone that's
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  Speaker 2: still alive, but they're not actually like there because the
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  Speaker 2: drugs take over.
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  Speaker 3: But then as well, it's hard to because in these
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  Speaker 3: situations you almost need to let people have their experience
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  Speaker 3: and hit rock bottom so that they can somehow find
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  Speaker 3: their way out of it. You know, there's nothing that
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  Speaker 3: we can do in these moments of trying to save
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  Speaker 3: someone who doesn't want to be saved, and sometimes that
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  Speaker 3: rock bottom is the thing that might make them turn
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  Speaker 3: around and go, oh shit, I actually need to do
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  Speaker 3: something about this exactly because if he loses you or
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  Speaker 3: no longer has you, you know what I mean, Like
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  Speaker 3: if he has this like eye open experience where he's like,
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  Speaker 3: holy shit, you know what, I actually need to do
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  Speaker 3: something about this otherwise IM going to destroy my life. Yeah,
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  Speaker 3: we need to go through those really hard moments to
• 8:00
  Speaker 3: be able to wake up.
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  Speaker 2: It's even like this is where it's hard, not having
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  Speaker 2: context trying to think of other solutions because you've obviously
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  Speaker 2: come to us advice, but like, is he still working?
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  Speaker 2: This is something you can go to his workplace and say, hey,
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  Speaker 2: this is happening. I'm his daughter, I'm struggling. I don't
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  Speaker 2: know how to help. You're a bunch of grown men
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  Speaker 2: who are with him every single day. Like, what can
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: we all do to rally together, bring a community, help together.
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  Speaker 2: I'm a woman that needs help, you know, rally a
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  Speaker 2: community together. Like that's something I would maybe explore if
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: I was in your situation.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, rally on community. I love that.
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  Speaker 2: I think that's epic. And there's lots of like AA
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: places around. Maybe you can get in contact with an
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  Speaker 2: AA meeting group or a forum and ask for advice
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  Speaker 2: because they're dealing with it all day, every day, whereas
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: this isn't something that I've had experience in.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, so that's probably where I would look for support
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  Speaker 1: as well.
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  Speaker 2: And even if you don't have support to help him,
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  Speaker 2: having someone that understands what you're going through it can
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  Speaker 2: help support you, because I really he needs some love
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  Speaker 2: and support through this as well, because what you're going
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  Speaker 2: through is really hard. Not carrying the burden, yeah, and
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: it's hard, but you've got people around you that don't
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: get what you're going through. Makes you feel more isolated. Yeah.
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: I hope that's helped, and if not, we're just sending
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  Speaker 2: you so much love to get through this. I can't
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  Speaker 2: even imagine going through it.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: I wish there was more that I could say or
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  Speaker 3: to be able to help, But I think at the
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  Speaker 3: end of the day, you kind of know what you
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  Speaker 3: need to do already and know what it is that
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  Speaker 3: you need.
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  Speaker 1: You know you can't continue like this forever.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, do what you have to do to keep yourself
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  Speaker 3: safe and to protect your heart in this time. And
• 9:24
  Speaker 3: if you need to set some boundaries, do that. If
• 9:26
  Speaker 3: you need some space, take that, whatever it is that
• 9:28
  Speaker 3: you need in any way you can support yourself and.
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  Speaker 2: Don't feel guilty about it, or because the only person's
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: going to take care of you is you.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah. You can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. Yeah, yeah.
• 9:39
  Speaker 3: Love bye all right, Gillies Bye,