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Transcript

SEASON 6 | EXPERIENCING LOSS (A story about cancer) · SECOND CLOCK™

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  I've heard it said that people can change, but only if they
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  want to. So what would it take for you to
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  try it? Change the way you think, feel,
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  relate and experience situations.
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  For me, I wanted to find the truth and little by little I did
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  become different and old conditionings gone.
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  Then I set a new course. I refer to that as the second
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  clock. Join me, click, follow, like and
• 0:29
  subscribe and let's see where this leads.
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  I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a
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  reason, bringing something we must learn and we are led to
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  those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them
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  in return. Well, I don't know if I believe
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  this is true, but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you
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  for good from Wicked. This episode is dedicated to
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  Jean. When I think about experiences,
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  the thing that comes to mind is my experience with watching
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  somebody pass away little by little.
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  I'm referring to my sister-in-law, Jean.
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  I was newly married and newly getting to know my former
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  husband's family. His sister was so lively, right?
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  Full of energy, laughter, and also tough, like warrior tough.
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  And when she got diagnosed with cancer, I didn't know her very
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  well at the time, but that was quickly going to change.
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  I remember that she wanted somebody to come with her to
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  every doctor's appointment, and since I had my own business with
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  a friend, I opted to go to one of her appointments.
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  I quickly learned that my role was going to be her medical
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  liaison, the person that accompanied her to every
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  doctor's appointment, every chemo treatment, and was there
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  when she woke up from every surgery.
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  I wish I could say that this story was quick, but no, it
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  lasted for years. During her first round of
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  treatment, we were all so hopeful, and when she went into
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  remission again, we were so ready to put that time behind
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  us, take this newfound friendship that we had formed,
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  and continue on with life. But that wasn't going to be her
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  story. When I was very pregnant, I
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  found out that her cancer had come back, and this time the
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  cancer had moved to areas you don't want to hear it move to
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  her brain and her brain stem. They recommended that they do
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  surgery to remove as much of the tumor as they could in the
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  places that they could get access to.
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  Given that I'd gone to every one of her treatments the first time
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  she went through cancer, I didn't want this to change just
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  because my circumstances had changed.
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  So I made it to her surgery. When she came to, she seemed a
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  little numb, a little at peace, and a little over it.
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  I think she just didn't anticipate that this is how her
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  story was going to go. One minute she's in remission,
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  and the next minute things are serious and her brother and I
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  were about to have a baby. On one hand it was all positive
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  and on the other hand all bleak. Before she had gone into
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  surgery, she was told that her cancer was going to be terminal
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  and that they were going to do what they could with the surgery
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  to help her gain some time. I guess set a course for her
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  long goodbye and just giving her a little bit more time to say
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  those goodbyes. After the surgery, she had to
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  stay in the hospital for a few days and when she returned home,
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  I had had my son. I wanted her so badly to come to
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  the hospital. I wanted to get that photo of
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  her in the hospital with our son.
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  She was hesitant. Her immune system was so low and
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  she was very much in recovery. But like I said, she was a
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  warrior and our bond had become so strong.
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  She knew how much this meant to me and her brother.
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  She was going to get to meet her nephew for the first time and
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  she decided to hold off on shaving her head so we could get
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  that photo of her holding him while she still had hair.
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  Now, she had shaved her head many times before this and this
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  time, like the other time, she was going to take this step
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  prematurely. She was going to own this action
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  rather than letting her hair slowly fall out because of the
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  chemo. We were also told after her
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  surgery that she could get palliative care in the form of
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  chemotherapy, but that it wasn't going to cure her.
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  And all I could think of is it is amazing how one minute chemo
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  is the answer, the treatment, and the next minute this poison
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  is a way to manage your pain. That's the type of information
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  that I can't reconcile even after all these years.
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  When the hospital told her that they could no longer care for
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  her, we came up with a plan for her to have at home Hospice.
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  We were living in New York City at the time, so we moved her
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  into our apartment building so we could be next to her.
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  And often there is one benefit. When you have a terminal disease
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  and you are in Hospice, if you have a loving family and network
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  of friends, they show up for you.
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  You get to really see who loves you.
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  And her friends and her family loved her so much.
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  She had round the clock care. And I'm not talking about
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  nurses. I'm talking about people that
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  wanted to be there with her, be there for her during her first
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  round of treatment. Our bond became so tight.
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  I never imagined that that's how we would have bonded, but I
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  can't imagine any other way. I am so grateful, blessed and I
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  felt privileged that she let me have such access to her and all
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  that she was going through. The time I spent with her and
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  her first round of treatment, it was beautiful.
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  We would spend 6 hours talking every time she had her chemo
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  treatment. For what seemed like one of the
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  first times in my life, I felt a sense of purpose.
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  Like a real sense of purpose, not like a nine to five job
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  purpose. I felt like what I was doing
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  mattered. Showing up for her mattered in
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  so many ways. When the doctor told her that
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  she was terminal and that she wasn't going to be cured, they
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  said it could be any day, any week, maybe a month or two.
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  I was in the room with the doctor along with her close
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  family and friends when we heard this news.
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  I know for me, I took it in just like information received, but I
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  cannot imagine how she took it in.
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  I cannot imagine the thoughts that went through her head when
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  she heard we've done all that we can do.
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  I don't know how anybody reconciles that information.
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  For me, I let logic guide. I let matter of factness be my
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  friend. I forgot about all the humanness
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  that was going on in that room. As I said here, we're calling it
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  that day, that conversation, that room.
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  I think I just bore witness to it but didn't experience it.
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  But maybe now as I go back and think about it, I can feel it,
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  the heaviness. She took the information in and
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  again, I can't say she was processing everything.
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  I have no idea. Those are the kind of questions
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  I never asked. I didn't know how to.
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  I didn't know how to say, how does it feel hearing this?
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  Like, how does it really feel? Since she was living in our
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  apartment building, I would sit with her for hours or just for a
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  meal. It was a special time, I have to
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  say. I had a new baby and she got to
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  experience what it was to have a nephew.
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  I think that that was a nice distraction for her and for all
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  of us here. We had this vibrant little life
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  growing, and then we had a life dimming in front of us.
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  The juxtaposition was not lost on any of us.
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  She outlived the predictions of all the doctors.
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  Weeks would go by, then months, and then my son's first birthday
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  came By. Then she was very weak, but like
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  the warrior that she was, she showed up, even if just for a
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  little while, so we could get that photo.
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  Then two weeks later, things were really getting real.
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  We knew the time was very short, so we were there around the
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  clock. I loved her in a way, in a depth
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  that I didn't know that I could love someone.
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  I saw her at her most vulnerable, her weakest, and her
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  strongest. I guess I got to see so many
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  sides of her and so many sides of myself.
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  I didn't think that I could have been strong enough to be there
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  by her side. What she was going through, I
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  couldn't imagine anyone going through, and I couldn't imagine
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  holding on for as long as she did.
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  I saw life in her, a different type of life than I had seen in
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  anybody. She had such resolve.
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  Even though life was so hard for her, she just wanted more of it.
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  She wanted to experience one more day, one more conversation,
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  one more of anything. And here I was, taking all these
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  days before for granted. And as I sat with her, I saw how
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  precious time was. I saw how important it was to
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  show up fully, do the best that you could given any
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  circumstance. She showed me that.
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  So maybe it's time I throw in a little levity.
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  This conversation's gotten pretty heavy, even in my
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  standards. One of my mom's favorite
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  expressions is shit or get off the pot.
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  You might be wondering why I'm saying this.
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  Well, that was the last thing that I said to her and that she
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  said back to me and I thought, it's so fitting.
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  I was crouched down next to her and I said you need to shit or
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  get off the pot. She looked at me and she laughed
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  and she said shit or get off the pot.
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  I took every word in. I remember every minute of that
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  day. Time moved so slowly and I
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  wanted it to. She was so beautiful, so
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  delicate. And then she started to slowly
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  slip away. She had no more words, no more
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  strength. I don't know what happened in
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  those last few hours with inside her as she started to shut down,
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  but I know that I said goodbye. I said everything that I needed
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  to say, that I thought she might want to hear, that I knew I
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  would regret if I didn't say I said it all.
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  And I am so grateful. And for anybody else that has
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  that privilege, there is no greater gift than to be by
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  somebody's side and to honor their last few minutes or hours
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  telling them what they meant to you.
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  She had been holding on for so long.
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  I wanted her to let go. And when Dave let in tonight, I
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  said it out loud and to her. By then she had dimmed, but I
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  knew she was there. When the next day came, we knew
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  that that was probably the last day.
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  By then we were no longer accepting more visitors.
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  It was me, her brother and her husband.
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  We were sitting in the room and then she was gone.
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  I felt a release for her, I felt at peace for her and as I sat
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  there a small smile came across my face because I knew that
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  everything that she had let me in on had forever changed me for
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  the better. Thank you, Jean, thanks for
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  listening. These episodes are unscripted.
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  They're my free flowing thoughts as I reflect back on past
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  conversations, experiences, what I've learned, would like to do
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  better, and what's next. Join me on Thursdays for new
• 14:43
  episodes and catch up on past episodes.
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  Click Follow, Like and subscribe and let's see where this leads.