Latest / Libido Lounge / Love Yourself, Love Your Sex Life with Emily Wishall

Transcript

Love Yourself, Love Your Sex Life with Emily Wishall · Libido Lounge

• 0:00
  Welcome to the libido lounge where we focus on all things love, lust, and libido.
• 0:05
  We believe that fabulous sex is important to health as exercise and good food.
• 0:11
  Hey, everybody.
• 0:12
  Welcome back to another episode episode of the libido lounge.
• 0:16
  I'm your host, libido expert, doctor Diane.
• 0:19
  And I am so thrilled about my guest today.
• 0:23
  This is a very dear friend of mine, an embodiment a radical embodiment expert, a
• 0:29
  fascia expert, a rolfing expert, so many different areas of expertise and really owning
• 0:37
  and really sinking into moving and living and being in the depths of one's feminine.
• 0:44
  So I'm thrilled today to introduce you to my dear friend, Emily Wishthal.
• 0:49
  Thank you so much for joining me today, Emily.
• 0:51
  Thank you, Doctor.
• 0:52
  Diane.
• 0:52
  It's my pleasure.
• 0:54
  So let's just start because the concept of so much of your amazing work and your workshops
• 1:00
  and the coaching and the integration you do for women really comes down to this concept of
• 1:06
  radical embodiment.
• 1:08
  So can you talk a little bit about what that means to you?
• 1:12
  Yeah.
• 1:13
  Yeah.
• 1:14
  So I'll start with just kind of defining, you know, each radical and then embodiment and then
• 1:18
  and what I mean by that and how, I support women in that avenue.
• 1:22
  So, you know, radical is I think, you know, the idea to make up I'm trying to think like a bold
• 1:27
  choice, a courageous choice.
• 1:29
  It's different than maybe is is the norm or is different than maybe the habitual pattern that
• 1:34
  one is on.
• 1:36
  And embodiment, there are so many different ways to define embodiment.
• 1:40
  I have a podcast, Radical Embodiment.
• 1:42
  You've been on doctor d.
• 1:43
  And one of the things I ask the first question every guest is what embodiment means to them
• 1:47
  because I love to hear the variety of answers as well as, like, the common threads.
• 1:52
  And to me, embodiment really means having the capacity and the ability to drop down and into
• 2:00
  your body and sense what is present.
• 2:03
  So to track sensations, to track emotions, to choose continually to to be here, to be in this
• 2:10
  body inhabiting your vessel.
• 2:13
  And I believe embodiment is a really it's a radical choice because, especially in today's
• 2:19
  modern society and world, we're not invited through our daily life at all to to be in our
• 2:26
  body.
• 2:26
  In fact, it's get coming more and more the opposite.
• 2:28
  We're revved revved up.
• 2:30
  Right?
• 2:30
  Like, how quickly upon waking do people turn to their phone or before sleep?
• 2:34
  And so we're in front of screenings where, you know, constant alerts are going off, messages,
• 2:40
  social media, the stress of the world, you know, the state of our world.
• 2:46
  It's in a sad state from an environmental standpoint, from a standpoint of war.
• 2:52
  And that can take people way out of their body and out of the present moment and out of their
• 2:57
  power.
• 2:59
  So and also then on layer on top of that, you know, my work is primarily with female and this
• 3:05
  is not only something that women experience.
• 3:08
  I think anyone of any gender can experience this.
• 3:11
  But I think especially in United States, there is an excess pressure put on women from a very
• 3:16
  young age to look a certain way in their body, to be a certain shape or size.
• 3:23
  And when we're feeling like our body is a problem, like we're not enough, you know, when
• 3:29
  a woman's worth is on an unconscious level tied into her physical appearance and or her weight
• 3:36
  or her shape, that puts another thing that just takes us out of our body even more.
• 3:41
  So we believe our body is a problem.
• 3:43
  We're constantly trying to fix it, to lose weight, to try this next fad.
• 3:47
  And we can really be suckered into a lot of marketing.
• 3:50
  And the weight loss industry itself is billion billion.
• 3:53
  But I think it was I don't know this stat.
• 3:55
  This was like maybe five years ago.
• 3:57
  I have it in my book, I think 2018.
• 3:58
  I could be wrong in the year, but brought in about $72,000,000,000 Right.
• 4:03
  Shit ton of money.
• 4:04
  And so if we think of it, we're already not in our body, we're not centered in us and in our
• 4:09
  capital T truth and our needs, we're going to just be so much more swayed through our day.
• 4:17
  Right.
• 4:17
  By into comparison, into not thinking we're enough into buying this thing.
• 4:21
  And so it's a really radical choice to choose to be in your body.
• 4:26
  And it's not just that you go to a weekend workshop or you snap your finger.
• 4:30
  It's like, oh, wow.
• 4:31
  I'm so embodied.
• 4:31
  Right?
• 4:32
  I had this great coaching session.
• 4:33
  It's a continuous daily courageous, consistent choice.
• 4:38
  I I love the word courageous, and I think that explanation is so important.
• 4:43
  And, you know, really when it comes down to the concept of libido, right, and the concept of
• 4:48
  pleasure and passion, relationships, and all the things we talk about on this particular
• 4:52
  show, one of the things I talk about a lot is this concept of we can't experience pleasure if
• 4:59
  we're not actually inhabiting our body like you're talking about.
• 5:02
  If we're not basically like, you know, in your terminology, being radical embodied, that is
• 5:08
  allowing us to experience pleasure.
• 5:11
  And and where I wanna go with this conversation is is what I'm hearing in some of what you're
• 5:15
  saying is due to society, due to the media.
• 5:20
  You know, I think we can throw on magazines and airbrushing and all the different things we're
• 5:25
  subjected to.
• 5:26
  It's so easy to compare, like you said, like these words.
• 5:30
  So we see so much around self love in relationship to pleasure and libido in
• 5:37
  relationships.
• 5:37
  We see this in research that the more confidence we have, the more self love we have,
• 5:41
  the more we're able to show up in ourselves confidently and bring that into our
• 5:47
  relationships.
• 5:47
  So how does your work tie in and how do you begin to open up the conversation for people
• 5:55
  around self love when there's so many situations like you're talking about around
• 6:00
  comparison to the world at hand?
• 6:03
  Yeah.
• 6:05
  You know, this is an ongoing question and conversation, but to me, self love, I believe
• 6:13
  through learning how to inhabit our physical body is the pathway to really learning how to
• 6:17
  love yourself and love your body.
• 6:20
  And so, like, that is the key.
• 6:24
  And I love that you brought in the pleasure.
• 6:25
  Like, that is like where our pleasure resides.
• 6:27
  It's also where a lot of uncomfortable things, right?
• 6:29
  Maybe a lot of suppressed repressed emotions live, which is why it is so courageous because
• 6:35
  it can bring up a lot.
• 6:37
  But it is that pathway done in a way that's safe, done in a way that's held in a container
• 6:44
  so you're not alone and that you're supported.
• 6:46
  That allows us to have a wider range of spectrum, right, of what we're experiencing
• 6:51
  from pleasure to to discomfort, but being with it all.
• 6:55
  And so so coming back into the self love, I think it is inhabiting this vessel because when
• 7:01
  we're here, we're present.
• 7:04
  And when I'm saying here, I'm, like, in our body.
• 7:07
  Right?
• 7:07
  We're in.
• 7:08
  When we're here, we're in the present moment.
• 7:10
  I think it's our anchor into the present moment.
• 7:12
  And it helps to just naturally from one from a nervous system level, bring us a little bit
• 7:19
  more into a parasympathetic state, just a little bit more in that healing, rest, relaxed
• 7:23
  state.
• 7:24
  So we're not so much in fight, flight or freeze, which also might activate some, you
• 7:29
  know, unkind thoughts to ourselves.
• 7:32
  But simultaneously, it helps that ticker tape that can be in our mind slow down.
• 7:41
  So we're not just like mentally trying to be like, I'm beautiful or like, I love myself.
• 7:44
  I'm like, woo.
• 7:46
  Like, yay for affirmations.
• 7:47
  But if we're only intellectualizing, if we're only in our mind, it's just going to fall flat.
• 7:53
  We're going to just feel discouraged.
• 7:55
  But when we can bring it into the felt sense in our body, that's where we can come into love
• 8:00
  with ourselves.
• 8:01
  Even if even if you might want to change an aspect of your body.
• 8:07
  You know, there can be a deep level of acceptance for yourself, for your body, and
• 8:12
  want to gain muscle mass and want to increase mobility and want to release some of this
• 8:19
  tension and pain your body is holding on to.
• 8:22
  But when we come through those changes and shifts we desire to help continue to optimize
• 8:28
  our wellness and our health from a place that's embodied, from a place where we're choosing
• 8:35
  from capital T truth, not from being fixated or suckered into these kind of media or marketing
• 8:44
  traps or ego traps, it allows for more sustainable change.
• 8:50
  It allows for some even just feels good in the process.
• 8:54
  We're doing it because we love ourselves.
• 8:57
  We're not doing, you know, the x like, the external activity sometimes can look kinda
• 9:01
  similar as far as diet shifts, exercise changes, changes in movement, etcetera.
• 9:08
  Sometimes they look a little similar, but the internal felt sense and how we feel about
• 9:12
  ourselves can feel very different depending on what our underlying motivating factor is.
• 9:18
  Yeah, I really appreciate that.
• 9:19
  And one of the things I want to just emphasize because I think it's super important is that
• 9:24
  the conversation about paradox.
• 9:26
  Right?
• 9:26
  Because because what I hear and what you're suggesting is largely and there's so many
• 9:31
  things.
• 9:31
  But one one component is, yes, we can completely love and accept ourselves fully and
• 9:37
  become embodied and really, really inhabit internally and at the same time still be making
• 9:43
  changes to improve certain things about ourselves that that oftentimes we can see that
• 9:49
  sometimes as, you know, as paradoxical, how can these things both exist at the same time?
• 9:54
  But that's what we're really doing is we are allowing these things to exist simultaneously.
• 9:59
  And I think sometimes this is a hard thing.
• 10:03
  The idea of paradox, loving oneself, being embodied, approaching everything you mentioned,
• 10:08
  diet, lifestyle, day to day can be a huge challenge for people to do that.
• 10:13
  And at the same time, love oneself and at the same time then be like, okay, well, I am going
• 10:18
  to change my diet or I am going to do that exercise routine because I also want to improve
• 10:22
  upon myself even though I love and embodied where I'm at.
• 10:27
  Do you have any additional advice on how people can do that or rather how we can begin to
• 10:33
  accept that scenario?
• 10:35
  That really seems paradoxical.
• 10:39
  Yeah.
• 10:41
  I mean, to start, I see the paradox in it or the duality.
• 10:46
  And yet I think when you're really into like, the like, embodiment, I think, is like I'm
• 10:54
  gonna back up a little bit and answer that.
• 10:56
  I think of embodiment kind of like a muscle.
• 10:59
  So say, you know, again, you wanna increase our muscle mass.
• 11:02
  Strength training is very important, especially for females.
• 11:05
  Right.
• 11:05
  We lose, what is it, 3% of our muscle mass every decade starting age 30.
• 11:09
  If you're not actively working on that, it's an important thing to know, I believe, for our
• 11:15
  health.
• 11:17
  But if you think of embodiment as a muscle, like any muscle, you you you need to work it.
• 11:23
  Right?
• 11:23
  It needs to be practiced, particularly because then in situations where you're triggered,
• 11:30
  right, where you feel upset or jealous or angry or pissed off, you're agitated, my fucking
• 11:37
  computer won't work, like, whatever is happening.
• 11:41
  If you have been doing some sort of embodiment practice on a regular basis, it will be more
• 11:48
  available likely more available in those moments for you to take a breath and make a
• 11:55
  different choice versus going into full on reaction mode.
• 12:00
  And as we build our capacity to be with ourselves, to be with our body and our
• 12:05
  experience, I believe the greater than, like, our our self love, our tuned in this to our
• 12:13
  body in regards to what does our body need?
• 12:15
  Like, what is my body really craving food wise?
• 12:19
  So not just like, I want sugar, I want this, I want this, but like, what do I really need?
• 12:23
  Like, wow, I really need some protein today Or, wow, we have actually like like some like, the
• 12:29
  sourdough with my sounds so good.
• 12:31
  I need some carbs after that hike or whatever.
• 12:33
  And so it's starting to tune in more.
• 12:35
  And this takes time, but more to what you naturally need or wow.
• 12:41
  You know, I've been sitting on a plane all day yesterday and sitting on like today I really
• 12:45
  need to work on mobility and I really need to get my blood flow and working out early in the
• 12:50
  morning.
• 12:52
  And so so so to answer your question, to bring that back to your question is again, those
• 13:01
  those actions might look similar, but it's coming more you're tuned in with yourself and
• 13:05
  your body's needs versus in your mind trying to overpower your body's needs when you need rest
• 13:11
  or other things.
• 13:12
  And, like, I just gotta push through it and being really harsh with yourself mentally.
• 13:17
  So I think it's important to always look at what is the underlying motivation for the
• 13:22
  activity.
• 13:23
  You know, if you're creating a new workout plan or a new way of eating, anything like that,
• 13:30
  always look at, okay, why am I doing this?
• 13:32
  Is it to have my hope that my body will look a certain way in hopes that I will receive more
• 13:39
  acceptance or approval from other people?
• 13:42
  And if so, I would look at that.
• 13:44
  I would question that.
• 13:45
  I would see what is it, like, that you're really needing.
• 13:49
  You know, is it because, like, you just feel too fat?
• 13:51
  You feel bad?
• 13:52
  You feel wrong?
• 13:53
  You know, look at those.
• 13:54
  Or is the underlying motivation that's like, I really do wanna feel I wanna feel fluid.
• 13:58
  I wanna feel strong.
• 14:00
  I wanna feel slender so that I can have good optimal well-being.
• 14:04
  So I think that's really, like, just getting curious and being open to have internal
• 14:10
  inquiry.
• 14:10
  And it's not like, you know, you answer that question one time at the beginning of this new
• 14:14
  routine, and it's good to check-in every day.
• 14:16
  You know, when I when I move my body and I I, you know, mostly take a little bit you know, in
• 14:22
  my warm up time, I usually do, like, one song.
• 14:24
  But I just start with my breath and checking in how is my body feeling today?
• 14:28
  What what's present?
• 14:29
  What's tracking?
• 14:30
  Okay.
• 14:30
  This is my plan.
• 14:32
  If if the plan isn't feeling so great, we'll likely you know, I'll check-in.
• 14:36
  Likely, we'll still do it, but are there things I need to modify?
• 14:40
  Or do I need a longer cool down?
• 14:42
  Do I need to spend more time foam rolling?
• 14:44
  Or Yeah.
• 14:46
  So
• 14:48
  I I really I want to tie that also because you said so much there and I really want to also
• 14:52
  tie that back to libido and sexuality.
• 14:55
  Also, what I hear in that, right, is like, okay, so we're connecting with our partner.
• 15:03
  And maybe it's foreplay, maybe it's deeper intimacy, maybe you are actually engaged in
• 15:09
  sex, whatever's happening there.
• 15:10
  Right?
• 15:11
  So when you're connecting with a partner, another thing I hear in that is like tuning in
• 15:15
  to do I like this position?
• 15:17
  Do I like this touch?
• 15:18
  Do I not like what does my body need in the moment?
• 15:21
  And then becoming more confident even in expressing that because we're more tuned in to
• 15:28
  our body's needs.
• 15:29
  So that's another element I hear that.
• 15:31
  Do you have anything else to say?
• 15:33
  I just totally agree.
• 15:34
  I totally agree.
• 15:37
  Because, you know, to bring it in.
• 15:39
  Yeah.
• 15:39
  To sex like you did, if we're in our body, we're tracking sensation.
• 15:44
  We're tracking what feels good to us.
• 15:46
  We're tracking, oh, actually, it would be nice if you slowed down here.
• 15:50
  Right?
• 15:50
  Versus in our head popped up and out of what what do I think that my partner wants me to
• 15:56
  like?
• 15:56
  What do I, okay, my partner is doing this.
• 15:58
  They must really want this.
• 15:59
  I should it doesn't feel awesome, but, like, let me just breathe through it or something.
• 16:04
  Right?
• 16:04
  And so it helps you be sovereign.
• 16:07
  The more and more we're in our body, the more sovereign you are in your own experience.
• 16:12
  And, yeah, like, the more inherent pleasure like, I believe our body is full of inherent
• 16:17
  pleasure.
• 16:18
  I believe it's our birthright to experience pleasure, sexual pleasure, sensual pleasure, at
• 16:26
  like and just through your day, you know, sensual pleasure is so many things.
• 16:29
  It could be really slowing down to really taste that strawberry or taste.
• 16:33
  I just ate my breakfast, and it was so good.
• 16:35
  And I well, I did rush it.
• 16:38
  I was, like, set because, anyway, you know, it's a Monday morning.
• 16:41
  We're we're also living, but it's like, okay.
• 16:43
  In that rushed moment of eating breakfast, I was simultaneously emailing my my my assistant.
• 16:49
  But I was also moaning.
• 16:50
  I was really enjoying it.
• 16:52
  And after I finished, you know, I let a big x, and I was like, wow.
• 16:54
  That was so good.
• 16:56
  That was so good.
• 16:58
  I was like, okay.
• 16:59
  I ate it really fast.
• 17:00
  That's okay.
• 17:00
  Would have liked eating it slower, but it was so good.
• 17:03
  I still really enjoyed it.
• 17:04
  So, I think, yeah, with sexuality and physical intimacy, it's bringing you more into your body
• 17:11
  to be more clearly ready to discern what are you a yes for, what are you a no for, And what
• 17:18
  are you I don't know.
• 17:19
  I'm open to exploring, but I need to communicate that I need to take this slower.
• 17:23
  I'm I'm feeling uncertain.
• 17:24
  And it's really we it's really, really important that we know our yeses and that we
• 17:29
  know our noes.
• 17:30
  Yeah.
• 17:31
  Absolutely.
• 17:32
  And I I really appreciate the transparency on your breakfast, especially what we were talking
• 17:36
  about.
• 17:36
  Why have all the amazing self care things that you actually did this morning?
• 17:40
  Oh, I did do a lot, but breakfast was rushed.
• 17:44
  Yeah.
• 17:44
  So there was a lot of that in there too.
• 17:46
  And I and, you one of the points I think to make for people is just this reminder of the
• 17:52
  practice.
• 17:52
  Right.
• 17:53
  Of like, okay, so it's a practice.
• 17:55
  Like, maybe not every moment is present and you rushed your breakfast and, you know, it's still
• 17:59
  enjoyed it, but rushed it.
• 18:00
  But then you had all of this other practice throughout, you know, the morning of coming
• 18:04
  back to your presence and coming back to your body and, you know, really living in the
• 18:08
  capital t truths like you described.
• 18:11
  And so I want to make sure everybody knows because I I think this is one of the things
• 18:15
  like like you said, it's a a practice that this is not something you're just waking up one day
• 18:19
  and you listen to a lecture like this or a podcast like this and you're like, okay, I got
• 18:22
  it.
• 18:23
  Now I'm embodied for rest of my life.
• 18:24
  And Yeah.
• 18:25
  A lot of what you're doing through your radical embodiment work is helping women develop more
• 18:31
  of this in their body and turning into a practice.
• 18:34
  So can you tell us a little bit about that and how women get started with you?
• 18:39
  Yeah.
• 18:40
  And one thing from what you noted, I just wanna say is gentleness, the importance of gentleness
• 18:44
  with it.
• 18:44
  Right?
• 18:44
  It's a practice.
• 18:45
  So be gentle.
• 18:46
  Be, like, playful if you can.
• 18:48
  Yeah.
• 18:49
  Yeah.
• 18:49
  The more gentle we can be with ourselves, not with the intention of doing this, but what will
• 18:55
  naturally happen is it will speed up our process of healing, our process of
• 18:59
  transformation.
• 19:01
  So gentle, gentle, gentle.
• 19:03
  Yes.
• 19:03
  But Waze my website's radicalembodiment.com.
• 19:07
  And, if someone is you know, one of the things I mentioned a little bit ago was, you know,
• 19:12
  that ticker tape that can play in your mind and it can be hard to turn it off, but feeling
• 19:16
  dissatisfied with your body, feeling unhappy with your body.
• 19:19
  So I have a free practice on my website.
• 19:21
  You can go it's if you go to radicalembodiment.com, you'll see where it says
• 19:24
  free gift.
• 19:26
  Just click on that and put in your name and email called how to stop the body hate.
• 19:31
  And it's a very detailed step by step PDF as well as about a twenty minute meditation guided
• 19:36
  meditation that I take you through.
• 19:38
  And the PDF is basically kinda what I take you through in the meditation, but I wanted to give
• 19:43
  both options.
• 19:44
  So you can print off the PDF, you can put it on your phone and rely upon it in those times when
• 19:48
  you can't just sit and meditate.
• 19:49
  But I would do both, but the meditation really supports you in starting to feel more and more
• 19:56
  for yourself.
• 19:56
  What is it like to be in your body?
• 19:58
  What are the pathways or how do you access that?
• 20:00
  I know that sometimes even the language of, okay, just drop into your body can be really
• 20:05
  challenging.
• 20:05
  A lot of my clients when they first work with me are like, you know, I've been told that in
• 20:09
  yoga or by, like, my somatic therapist.
• 20:10
  And it's like, I don't know what that means.
• 20:12
  I don't know how to do that.
• 20:13
  And so this meditation will help support you in doing that and start to slow down that
• 20:18
  resistance tape in your mind to bring you into your body.
• 20:20
  So that's a great free resource, to check out.
• 20:24
  And when you go to my website, you'll see my I have a book, Radical Embodiment, a Practical
• 20:27
  Guide to Celebrating the Skin You're In.
• 20:29
  That's also an awesome resource.
• 20:31
  You can check that out.
• 20:32
  There's 12 practices through the book that are all cumulative.
• 20:37
  So another great way to start, or, you know, you can also see if you're curious more about
• 20:43
  working with me one on one or my online course, you can book a call.
• 20:47
  Amazing.
• 20:48
  And I'm so excited about that meditation.
• 20:50
  I didn't even know that was part
• 20:51
  of your resource.
• 20:51
  I will check that out later today.
• 20:53
  So I can't
• 20:54
  do that.
• 20:55
  Thank you so much for spending time with me.
• 20:58
  And you guys, everybody will be All of this information will be in the show notes from
• 21:02
  today's episode about how to get that downloadable PDF, that meditation, as well as
• 21:09
  all these different resources of how to work with Emily.
• 21:12
  And that concludes our episode today.
• 21:14
  So joining off here, this is doctor Diane reminding you to always stay classy, always
• 21:21
  stay sexy, and always remember to be a little badass y.
• 21:25
  See you on the next day.
• 21:27
  Bye.
• 21:29
  Bye.
• 21:29
  Thank you, doctor Diane.
• 21:31
  Thanks, everybody.
• 21:32
  Bye.
• 21:32
  Bye, everybody.
• 21:33
  Thank you for listening to the libido lounge.
• 21:35
  Please don't keep me a secret.
• 21:37
  Please share this with your friends.
• 21:38
  You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibido.com.