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Answering Your Most Common Kink Questions · The Kink Consultant

0:08
It's a King Consultant podcast where we're turning up the heat
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on all things kink and dating, relationships and pop culture.
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So close the door, plug in your headphones, and let's get down
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to it. Here's why you should strongly
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consider finding your community with kink.
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But first of all, it's good for the community and it's good for
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you, OK? You have the opportunity to meet
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other people who are interested in the same things you're into.
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This can be a lonely practice. But when you get involved in the
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community, you meet a bunch of people who are into the same
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things you're into, or even variations of it.
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But you're meeting people who understand what it's like to
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live kinky, who understand what it's like to want to explore
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kinks. And dating is hard.
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Being kinky can be difficult. It's nice I have other people
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around you who are into the same things.
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Most of my friends here in Vegas are from the King community
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because when I moved here I was like, how do you make friends as
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an adult? So I got on Fat Life.
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I started to look for what events were happening.
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I found a group called Vegas Toolbox and I went to their
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online orientation so that I could start going to educational
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classes. Then I found out about some
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munches that were supposed to be good, and technically I could
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have just gone straight to a munch.
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But it was good to meet people, see who I got along with, and
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then go to the munches they recommended.
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From there it sort of spiraled. I'd go to a munch, which is a
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plainclothes meet up of kinky people.
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You can go to like a diner or somewhere where you could munch
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on food and just talk to each other to find your specific king
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community. I think start general and filter
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down. Here's what I would do.
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I would get on Fetlife and make a profile if you don't have one
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already. Yes you can find events
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elsewhere but a lot of them are still posted on Fetlife for some
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reason. I hear people say oh Fetlife's
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dangerous and that's 100% true but so is Instagram if you start
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meeting random people from it so I guess that's neither here nor
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there. I'm just tired of people who are
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saying don't get on Fetlife. It's dangerous.
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It's like so is Facebook marketplace.
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It depends on what you use it for.
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You have to be cautious. So get on Fetly and make a
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profile. Then navigate to the events page
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and Fetlife's gotten really good.
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You can filter by event type, BDSM party, social event,
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educational event, sex party. I would say filter first by the
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social and educational events because those are going to be
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your like plain clothes meet up a lot of the time where you're
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just meeting other kinky people and it's a great way to dip your
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toe in the water. OK, so I would start there.
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There are even specific munches for specific communities like
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there are rope munches, spanking munches, impact munches, master
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slave type of munches. So it depends on the dynamic and
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the kink. So you can start there, meet
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people who you're getting along with and then find out, well,
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what events did they recommend? And then check out those events.
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Here are some things you should look for in a healthy and
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welcoming in community because safety is important.
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You want to make sure you're going somewhere where people
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look out for each other, where they give you the lay of the
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land when you get there and they're really genuinely
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welcoming. So when I went to my first
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munch, the organizer stood up, introduced himself, asked me a
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little bit about myself, and then he sat me with people who
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he thought I might get along with.
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So he did a great job of facilitating that.
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He's amazing. I actually had him on the
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podcast, him and his wife, Jim and Veronica.
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I've credit them a lot with how well I was integrated into the
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community. So I was really lucky with that
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experience. But I've had experiences where
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there are red flags. And one of the things that
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normally tips me off, this might just be a woman to woman thing,
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but I have had women come up to me and say, be careful of that
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guy, Be careful of that guy. And sometimes there's just like
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one weirdo that no one wants to talk to.
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But other times you hear two or three people tell you to be
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careful and you start to wonder, well, why is that person still
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in the community? If there's more than one person
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like that, that's a huge red flag for me because it means
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that the organizers are not properly betting and taking
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complaints seriously. So that's one red flag.
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The second red flag is when there's an imbalance of ages or
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groups within the community because it just sometimes
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creates this almost predator vibe.
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If it's all these young girls and then a bunch of older men,
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the question is, where are they younger guys too?
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Have they been scared out by the older crew who sometimes can be
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a little gatekeeping? That's a red flag for me.
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I mean, and it goes both ways. Sometimes it's older women who
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are super gatekeepy and they can be bitchy to young girls.
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When I started making content, that was my number one thing.
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I was like, fuck the gatekeepers.
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Like I'm done with them and I was so done with them.
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I was like, I make content to say fuck the gatekeepers and
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make this information more accessible to everyone.
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Whoever wants the info, you know, I know I talked a lot
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about Fetlife, but you wouldn't believe that there are also
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communities online. There are certain discourse
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groups and also Facebook groups that you can get involved in.
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So I would search through there. And then if you're looking for
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more events, Eventbrite in your city might actually have a lot
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listed. So if you go to Eventbrite and
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you can I think filter for adult events or something along those
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types of parties. So there is a lot of information
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out there. I just think Fetlife is the
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easiest because it's all concentrated and then you can
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see which of your friends are going to it because it is like a
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social media site for King Facebook.
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If you start following creators who about kink in general,
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sometimes they post events that are happening and in different
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communities and they have their own discords as well.
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It's like a lot of places where you can find that, like the
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Patreon I set up where twice a month I meet with a group of
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people who are all kinky and dating and we sort of discuss
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the highs and lows of it. We give each other advice and we
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just talk through what it's like, what our challenges have
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been and what our wins have been.
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So there's community around dating kinky as well.
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That's one thing I will say about us Kingsters.
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There's a a lot of us out there who raise community.
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So we created ourselves and we'll put in the work.
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We'll create the parties to create the spaces we want to
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exist so we can feel more comfortable and make others feel
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more comfortable to go down the paths we want to go down and
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explore the things we want to explore.
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I've been to so many in person and online events and I've met
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amazing people in both, right? I'm going to be honest about it.
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You would think that the in person events, oh, people left
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their house, they got dressed up.
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They really committed to going. Not the case either.
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You know, people show up as they are and then sort of like what
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we love about the kink community too.
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It's like no one's expecting fireworks, right?
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Except it really disappoints people too.
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People are disappointed by their local communities because
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they're not full of these beautiful kinky people that
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we've been fed like pictures of. To believe that like, oh, kink
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is all these size 0 people in bondage and stirrups and like, I
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don't know, dressed as horses in like beautiful gilded, I don't
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know, costumes. It's not like that online.
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It's not like that in person at these social events.
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Sure, you can go somewhere like only fans and pay to see someone
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dressed as your ideal kinky person, or you can pay for an
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app and listen to stories about like from your ideal kinky man.
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But it's not actually like that online or in real life for these
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social events, Real people dress like me, showing up as
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themselves, talking about the thing that they love.
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I will say that the community invites people to show up as
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they are, you know, and express themselves.
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So at like the social events that are in bars and pubs, yeah,
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people are going to be dressed vanilla.
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But when you go in person to an event, you're encouraged to be
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yourself. The advice I always give my
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coaching clients who are going to parties for the first time is
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show up as your most authentic self.
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Follow the dress code. Yes, if it's fancy dress, do it.
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But if you feel like wearing a kilt, wear tilt.
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If your alter ego or your kinky self wears a top hat, wear a
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freaking top hat to the event. Be that version of yourself that
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feels authentic to you. If it's a Victorian era woman in
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full get up like head to toe, This is the place for you.
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Arguably you can dress like that anywhere, but I feel like you're
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going to be celebrated in these communities for showing up as
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yourself. OK, I go to a lot of parties
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alone and it's partly because I love to go to new places and
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sometimes I don't have a group of people to go with.
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So I have a few tips of like what I do to introduce myself.
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Sometimes if I'm going somewhere, they're totally new,
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I'll contact the organizer on Fetlife and say, hey, I'm
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showing up to the party, would love to meet you in person
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beforehand or I'll come find you.
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The really good parties will have someone to greet you, ask
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if it's your first time and give you a tour.
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OK, sometimes I'll tell that person I'm kind of shy.
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Do you mind introducing me to anyone?
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I don't mind calling out that I'm shy.
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Other times I sort of before I go into the party, I always have
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a little talk with myself of like, we're all just here
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meeting people for the first time.
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Let's see how it goes. Be confident and I'll have that
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like I'll big myself up in a way, almost like mantras.
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My go to is I will find someone who is around my age and feels
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like maybe we'd get along. OK.
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So most recently I was at a party and I introduced myself to
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a couple and I said hi, I'm Amanda Dee, come to these
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parties often. I open it up with a curiosity
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thing of like instead of like launching into something about
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me, I asked about them and then try and get the conversation to
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flow from there. If not, I try and move on to the
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next group or person. In an example like this I talked
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to most recently at the party, I introduced myself as if they
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came there often. Turned out they were from out of
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town, which is really cool. We talked a little bit about the
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local scene where they lived. And then I said I'm going to go
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get a drink, right? And I went off and on my way to
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get a drink, I then introduced myself to someone new and I
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said, Oh my God, I love your collar.
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Where did you get it? And Oh my gosh, this corset.
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And these were genuine things I really did love for collar and
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corset. And it turned out her partner
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was getting for some water from the bar.
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So by the time her partner got back, we were already deep in
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conversation. You know, so those are like my
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intro things. It's sort of complimenting
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people authentically and also asking questions about
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themselves. If you introduce yourself,
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they're not like, oh, what the fuck?
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Maybe they're in the middle of a conversation.
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And that's another thing, timing is everything.
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You don't want to inject yourself into a conversation.
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And another thing that's kind of awkward is if people are already
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in a conversation and you sort of edge your way in as opposed
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to just being like, oh, I heard you were talking about this.
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Do you mind if I join the conversation?
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I prefer a direct approach instead of like, because they
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might say no, you know, or like, actually, this is a private
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conversation. And sometimes that rejection
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hurts a little bit, but you kind of got to just hold it together
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and sort of realize it's not personal.
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That was a private conversation. Let me move on.
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And that's happened to me. You know, it's like, OK, this is
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a clicky friend group. Those things happen when people
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go to the same parties year in, year out for a really long time.
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It's not personal. They just have their group now
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wanting to go find money and I know it can be really nerve
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wracking to go to one of these events, especially if it's your
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first time. But ultimately these are still
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social events. They are there for people to
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meet with each other and enjoy something that they all love
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together. So at the end of the day, you're
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still at a social event. The purpose is to be social and
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meet new people. Most people are showing up with
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the excitement of getting to meet new people.
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Sometimes we create a community online of people who live across
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the country, across the globe, and those people can be just as
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meaningful in our lives as the people who we meet weekly at
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parties or at munches because they're going through the same
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thing we're going through a lot of the time.
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I mean, the friends you make, regardless of location, are
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still friends. Sometimes it's hard when you get
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into the relationship side of things because a DS dynamic or
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even a Dom sub scene partner not being able to receive physical
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aftercare can be quite jarring for people.
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It's a lot easier to get catfished like online instead of
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meeting people in person because you can fake a lot online and
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get away with a lot that as soon as you see someone in person
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they're different right? So something I recommend people
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do just to keep themselves safe is FaceTime.
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There is not one single excuse in today and age.
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If they can talk to you on the phone, they can find a way to
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FaceTime you. They can get on download
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WhatsApp to their phone, they can get on a zoom call, Google
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meets. There are so many options and
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are so many free options to do like face to face call and that
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can save you as well. Like just enforcing that early
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01 more thing that I like to do when I need people online.
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And this is just in dating is people can have these whole
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profiles set up and it seems like them I will make them take
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a selfie in the moment and I'll do something like this and send
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a selfie. And I say send a selfie with you
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doing the same gesture so that you know it's fresh.
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Yeah. So those are just some of the
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things. I think safety is super
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important and knowing who you're talking to is important.
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There are just so many bad actors out there, even in
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person. It's like tenfold online.
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So you got to protect yourself. Some of the ways that you can
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protect yourself is, I think a lot of times, especially on the
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sub side, Subs want to be nights.
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They don't want to push too hard.
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They're told get in your lane or this is how you're going to act.
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If it's your first time exploring submission, it can be
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so exciting. You can actually be in what we
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call sub frenzy where you're just so excited to try
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everything, going to try everything, and you're just
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going to be more submissive than you might normally be because of
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the excitement to try everything.
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You find someone and you feel like, Oh my God, someone finally
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understands me. And it can feel super special
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because they're telling you everything you want to hear.
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It's just like the books or movies and you're having these
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amazing experiences, but you skip over the part where there's
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communication or the person you're talking to tells you this
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is how it's supposed to be. You need to have communication.
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If something doesn't feel right and you need to talk to them
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about it and say, I'm not feeling right about this.
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We need to go more in depth about this.
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Can we have a conversation? You need to be talking to
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someone who's willing to have the conversation.
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And if they're hard lined, I'm the Dom, you're the sum.
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This is what we're doing. Or even vice versa.
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They're not for you. If they are not willing to have
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a conversation and they're very hard lined about how I'm the
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Dom, I bring, well, I'm the sub, I'm a brat, this is how I am.
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And they're not willing to come to the table and be like, OK,
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what do we need to negotiate? What do we need to tweak here?
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Cut them. Don't even engage and trying to
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like convince them. Don't bargain with them, cut
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them. If I can just say one thing to
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everyone, it's that in order to be in a community, you have to
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be part of the community. And that requires getting out
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there. And I know it's tough sometimes
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it's tough to get dressed at the end of the week and go out.
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But being active in the community is what keeps it
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alive. OK?
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I really cannot stress the importance enough of getting out
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there and talking to people. I need a lot of people who say
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like, Oh well, there's just no community where I am.
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And it's kind of one of those things you have to start showing
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up. I actually have a friend who
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does this when he posts on Fetlife about a month, he's
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trying to start it up. And his point is in order to
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have this, we need to start it and be present at the beginning.
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And that's something, if you are starting it, show up, be there
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and put the time in to build what you want because you get
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out of it what you put into it. OK, so show up, be present.
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If you've been going to events for a few months, be the person
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you wish existed when you started going to those events.
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Let's set the record straight and talk about DS dynamics.
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So what makes a great DS relationship?
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Communication. It's so cliche, but good
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communication is what makes or breaks it.
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OK, You could have three different dominant partners, OK,
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and they all have a different flair to how they Dom.
15:40
Or you could have three different submissive partners
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and they're all going to have their own flair of how they're
15:44
sub. Some could be like a good sub,
15:46
others could be bratty. What you need is strong
15:48
communication between you 2 so you can adjust on the fly.
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Like pause for a second, be like this isn't working for me, we
15:54
need to figure out how to adjust this.
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Without that you just have two people moving forward in a
15:59
dynamic, maybe one or both of them being unhappy.
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So you need to be able to communicate.
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I think it's really important that both people are curious.
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In a kinky dynamic, you need curiosity.
16:12
You need people asking questions like how did that feel?
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What did you enjoy about that? What could be better?
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You need that type of curiosity so that you're both consistently
16:21
improving and making the relationship stronger and
16:24
better. Without that type of
16:26
communication, you're not going to figure out ways to make it
16:29
better. And I think this is rare, if not
16:31
impossible. Your dynamic is not going to
16:34
progress because you can't just be curious about your own
16:37
interests and means and wanting to explore those.
16:39
You're in a partnership, A dynamic that means you're in it
16:43
with someone else. So you need to be understanding
16:46
what's going through their head, how they're feeling, as well as
16:49
how you are. So it's like just as important
16:51
to be able to share how you're feeling and what you're
16:54
interested in as it is to ask questions and get that
16:56
information out of your partner. So when we talk about DS
16:59
Dynamics, technically you can be the dominant partner, the
17:02
submissive partner, but then there are people out there who
17:05
are also switches. They can easily flow into both
17:08
and they might learn more Dom or more sub.
17:10
So you could see like Dom leaning switch or sub leaning
17:13
switch written on some people's profiles.
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And there are kind of some easy ways to figure it out.
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But also just being in the lifestyle and exploring it help
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you figure out what you're into as well.
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So there's something called the bdsmtest.org and you can go in
17:27
there and answer a bunch of questions and some of them are
17:30
extreme, but that's because some people are into really extreme
17:32
things. Just because you're not, those
17:34
questions shouldn't scare you away, but you can get results on
17:37
what percentage Dom Subs vanilla you are.
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And I think that's really good insight and a great place to
17:43
start. That's number one.
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The other thing is just by being in a dynamic, you might feel
17:48
certain ways over time, right? You might enter it as the
17:52
submissive partner and then you realize, oh, my Dom's a little
17:55
bit bratty and I have some stuff to say about that.
17:58
And you know what? I would love to flip roles here
18:01
with them right now. That might be an indicator
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you're a little bit of a switch sometimes.
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Personally I get a little primal and I want to choke and slap and
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even though I would say I'm a sub leaning switch, there's
18:12
definitely some switch in me too.
18:13
One of the biggest misconceptions about the Dom sub
18:16
dynamic is that people just enter into it and the amazing
18:19
Dom's are born that way. And amazing Subs are just going
18:23
to be completely subservient and anticipate needs better than
18:27
anybody that they've ever met. Simply and sadly not true.
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As I said, it takes a lot of communication to get there.
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I mean, even if you find your perfect Dom, there is still
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going to need some tweaks to be the perfect Dom for you.
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Likewise, if you find the perfect sub, there's still going
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to be need to be some tweaks for them to be the perfect sub for
18:48
you. And I don't even believe in
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perfect. I just believe that two people
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can find each other and enter into a dynamic with the right
18:54
level of flexibility and communication and it can lead to
18:58
something really great. It's super important to know and
19:01
understand if you are experiencing a healthy power
19:04
exchange or if you're with someone who just wants to either
19:06
or give up control completely or just take control completely
19:10
because it's a balancing act. Both people need to feel
19:14
empowered in the dynamic in the relationship, to express their
19:18
needs, to be themselves and to bring things up.
19:22
Neither party should feel like they can't speak up.
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Neither party should feel like they are just there to play a
19:28
role. One of the big red flags that
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it's really easy for me to start filtering people out is when I
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first start talking to them or we start discussing the dynamic
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dynamic. If they threw out something like
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I make the decisions now you ask me.
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Or when I'm talking to a sub, if they're like, I just want to
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give you all my money and I want you to take control.
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As nice as those things might sound in a fantasy world, in
19:51
reality, that's just not going to work, right?
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You can't expect to come in and be able to take control or give
19:59
control over without all of this communication.
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And at no point are you ever fully giving up control.
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There should always be the same. And those little things in place
20:08
to make sure you are empowered to stop things when you want.
20:12
Before entering into a Dom sub relationship, you absolutely
20:15
need to discuss what you both want out of said relationship.
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Like go to your ideal end scenario and then figure out how
20:22
to work back from there. So it's sort of like, OK, if we
20:25
want something 24/7, I don't just say what I'm looking for is
20:28
24/7. And then I start saying that is
20:30
what this looks like for me. This is what I'm imagining.
20:34
This is how the day starts. This is how much communication
20:37
is happening between us. What does that look like for you
20:40
or what is your goal? OK, so let's say we both start
20:44
with our goals, the Dom and the sub, and we sort of bring it
20:47
together to talk about what the ideal situation or the ideal
20:51
goal is. This is what we both want.
20:53
Then we got to talk about what the specifics look like.
20:56
I always recommend people write everything out because this is
21:00
my silly example. I could say the word house, and
21:02
yes, we could both think of an actual house and think of
21:05
multiple variations. Is it like a shack or is it a
21:08
mansion, but maybe someone singing Doctor House, the show
21:12
when they hear the word house 2 completely different things,
21:15
same word, right? Write it out and describe it in
21:19
great detail so you understand if you're on the same page as
21:21
someone. That is why I created the
21:23
communication workbook for people who are trying to achieve
21:27
this. It's a step by step guide to
21:29
introduce what you're interested in.
21:32
It helps you break it down into those like really granular
21:35
pieces of information so that you can come together with your
21:38
partner and go through what you're both expecting out of a
21:40
scenario. You can find it in the show
21:42
notes below. When I realize the dynamic isn't
21:44
working for me, and sometimes it's because I've changed,
21:47
sometimes it's my partner's change or the dynamic just isn't
21:50
serving us the same way anymore, I kind of do a virtual timeout
21:54
and I say, let's sit down and talk about what's going on.
21:57
Sometimes I say we need to take a break, we need to pause.
22:00
No matter what dynamic you're in, you should always be able to
22:03
take a pause on it because life happens and you need to reset.
22:07
So what I'll say is I need to take a break from this.
22:09
I cannot be in the submissive role right now.
22:12
I need to step out of it and readjust before I can step back
22:15
into it. So I recommend calling a pause
22:18
talking to your partner. Maybe you're pausing because of
22:21
the way they're behaving or it's how you're feeling in the
22:24
moment, but you need to have that conversation.
22:27
The truth is, if you don't feel safe or comfortable having that
22:30
conversation, I am questioning whether or not that relationship
22:35
is healthy and in the 1st place. A lot of people think if I'm
22:38
going to be in a Dom sub relationship, it needs to be
22:40
24/7. It's all in or all out.
22:43
People practice in so many different ways.
22:46
You could even be in something considered a little bit extreme
22:49
like a master slave relationship.
22:50
And that master slave relationship could just exist in
22:54
the four walls of your bedroom on the 1st Saturday of the
22:57
month. You know, between the 8 hours of
22:59
eight and 10:00 PM. It can be a super specific thing
23:02
or it can be more elaborate. It can be constant.
23:05
So you can go from super loose to super strict.
23:08
It is so customizable that there are no set rules.
23:12
That's why this communication thing is really big because the
23:14
spectrum is huge. It's like really complex.
23:18
There are so many options. So when you're starting to have
23:21
a dynamic or when you're starting discussions about what
23:24
it is you want, one of the things you should discuss is how
23:27
serious do we want to be about this?
23:29
How intense do we want to be? And then once you decide that,
23:33
scale it back from there too. You're dipping your toes in the
23:36
water to see how this feels. You're introducing it slowly.
23:40
I would never, ever recommend you go from zero to 100.
23:44
You don't go from like, let's talk about this today and be in
23:48
a 24/7 dynamic tomorrow. You're setting yourself up for
23:51
failure. So what I'm going to suggest is
23:54
you try maybe just doing it in the bedroom at first in the
23:57
evening starting at 6:00 PM, like time box it and say, let's
24:01
try this. And then you stop and discuss.
24:04
You know you have a start time and an end time whence the end
24:07
time comes. Check in with each other.
24:09
Set a schedule when your check in is going to happen.
24:11
Maybe it can't happen as soon as it ends.
24:13
Maybe you want it to happen immediately after, in which case
24:17
you tailor the amount of time you're going to spend in this
24:19
session or in this practice versus how much time you're
24:22
going to spend talking about it after.
24:24
Then start incorporating the feedback into the practice.
24:27
Then you might go for longer. You might go a whole day trying
24:30
to incorporate the DS relationship or trying to live
24:34
the DS relationship. You want just be building on it
24:37
and continue to talk to each other.
24:40
That is why I made the Speak Your Desires with Confidence
24:42
worksheet. It's like a template you can go
24:44
back to over and over again to work through this process with
24:48
your partner. Give feedback, take feedback,
24:51
journal your thoughts about how you're feeling and how you want
24:54
to build on your own dynamic and have that at the ready for when
24:57
you're ready to give and receive feedback.
25:00
One of the most common questions that I get every week, you might
25:04
ask me anything is what do you do if you're kinky and your
25:07
partner is vanilla? I want people to understand just
25:10
because you're kinky, it doesn't make you a freak.
25:12
You're not a weirdo for being kinky.
25:14
It's just a different desire. It's like, what do you do if you
25:17
love cheese and your partner doesn't love cheese?
25:19
OK, You start by having a conversation about it, right?
25:22
It's sort of like, OK, I want you to understand me and what I
25:26
love. Equally, I want to understand
25:28
you and what you love. I always recommend just because
25:31
someone's not kinky, it doesn't mean they're void of any fantasy
25:35
or desire. They just might have more
25:37
vanilla or more romantic fantasies or desire.
25:40
So I like to ask, what are your fantasies?
25:42
What's something you've never explored but would like to?
25:45
Or what's something you've tried in your past that you really
25:48
enjoyed and you want to do again?
25:50
I like to open up the conversation that way because I
25:53
want to get my partner to start sharing with me.
25:56
The hope is that we're already in a strong enough relationship.
25:59
Or like my assumption here is that you're already in a strong
26:02
enough relationship to have this type of conversation because you
26:05
need to have good communication in general to bring things like
26:08
this up. OK, so you start by asking your
26:11
partner that you're leading with curiosity and inviting them to
26:15
share with you. And this is opening up the stage
26:19
for you to enter and also share about you.
26:21
The one thing I will say is, again, I've said this on
26:25
previous episodes, this is not just your opportunity to dump
26:30
all of the information about you and have your means met.
26:32
You're learning about your partner too.
26:34
So you need to be in this together and figuring out what
26:37
you both want. There might be some overlap even
26:40
in what your kinks are and what their fantasies and desires are.
26:43
You might be able to create the bridge between you, but overall,
26:47
just make sure that you're coming into it.
26:48
Knowing that they're fantasies, even if they lack them or
26:52
they're not able to verbalize them right now are not normal
26:55
compared to your interest in fantasies.
26:58
They are just different. Unlike of a PSA on my personal
27:01
experience of navigating this one partner's kinky, the other
27:05
partner's vanilla type of relationship.
27:08
And this is just my personal experience exploring and being
27:12
in these types of relationships and talking to a lot of
27:16
different people who have had to navigate the same things as
27:18
well. A lot of times people will
27:20
introduce a coach as the last straw of like, how do we save
27:23
this now? And it's already too far gone.
27:26
The moment that you realize that Drew and your partner's
27:29
fantasies, desires don't align, that's the moment to reach out
27:34
to a professional relationship coach, a therapist, someone who
27:38
can help you both find common ground or a bridge to start
27:42
exploring this together. This is a big thing to navigate
27:45
by yourself, and there are people out there who can help.
27:48
I'm not saying that it's going to be the perfect answer for a
27:52
kinky person and a vanilla person to make their
27:54
relationship work, but I do think it's going to make it a
27:57
lot easier to work with someone and figure out how you too can
28:01
find common ground. So when is like a good time in
28:04
the relationship or even in the day for the kinky partner to
28:08
bring this up to the vanilla partner or the expected vanilla
28:11
partner? I'm always going to recommend
28:13
you have a conversation when there's not a lot else going on.
28:16
This is an important conversation to have.
28:18
Make sure there are no distractions.
28:19
Maybe you need to go out to have coffee in the car together to
28:22
have this conversation so that no one else is part of it.
28:26
There are no interruptions, it's just you and your partner like
28:29
ready to talk and listen. In terms of where you are in the
28:32
relationship, as I said, you need to be in a place where
28:35
there is trust between you both already.
28:38
I would not recommend bringing this up during a time when trust
28:43
isn't at the forefront of the relationship.
28:45
If communication in general hasn't been that strong, this
28:48
might not be the right time to bring up this part of the
28:50
conversation. Even if it feels like fixing it
28:53
will fix everything. Finding other ways is to
28:56
establish strong communication, a belief that there is trust and
29:00
both parties want the best for each other.
29:03
That's the foundation you want to look for before you introduce
29:07
this. If you don't have it, you're
29:08
truly setting yourself up for failure because this isn't some
29:12
magic wand that's going to fix everything, even though
29:14
sometimes they can feel that way.
29:16
For us, it's like if I just had this one thing that I'm dying
29:19
for, the rest of the relationship would be fine.
29:21
This one thing you're dying for is only going to thrive with
29:25
good communication and you need to have that in other aspects of
29:28
your life. For example, for me, it's really
29:30
important I bring this up early and yes, I put it on my dating
29:34
profiles and I do ask people if they're kinky.
29:36
But let's say I'm on a second or third date and I haven't
29:39
mentioned it once, but I'm ready to bring it up now because it is
29:42
important. I just didn't want to mention it
29:43
earlier. I am only bringing this up and
29:46
I'm only going on 2nd dates actually with people who ask me
29:50
questions about myself. If I am leading the entire
29:53
conversation, it doesn't matter if I'm talking as someone who
29:56
might be sub, might be Dom, if they're not asking questions, if
30:00
they're not engaging in conversation, if there's not a
30:03
back and forth. I already know there's going to
30:06
be no back and forth when I bring up the vanilla kink
30:09
conversation, so I don't let it get to that stage.
30:12
I'm looking for green flags in the whole person as opposed to
30:16
just whether or not we might be a kinky fit together.
30:19
But those are some of the things you need to look for in your
30:21
relationship too, even if it's really well established and you
30:25
can date or marry for a long time.
30:27
Are you in a place where you're having back and forth
30:30
conversations and both contributing to the
30:31
conversation? OK, The biggest mistake I think
30:34
people make when they're introducing a kink on my podcast
30:37
a few weeks ago from No Shame with CJ talking about this as
30:39
well. The person who is kinky has been
30:41
obsessing over or doing all the research and thinking about it
30:44
for so long that they forget to do that simple step of breaking
30:48
it down for a partner who is totally new to it.
30:51
And I do this with my clients a lot.
30:52
I help them break it down to its base form.
30:55
I, I think that one of the things you need to do when you
30:58
share your kink with someone is talk about the core desire that
31:01
is being met as you explore that kick.
31:04
For example, if you're into shibari, if you're into being
31:07
tied up or being the one doing the tying, it might be about a
31:11
sense of control or lack thereof.
31:13
OK, so say you are being tied up in a specific position.
31:16
It can make you feel really safe and secure and not worried about
31:21
your surroundings. So that's a core desire you can
31:24
speak to. I want to feel, feel safe.
31:26
I feel safe when I am tied up and that is why I enjoy rope
31:31
play so much. Equally, the person doing the
31:33
tying might feel, I like to feel in control.
31:36
I like knowing you're not going to move and that is why I enjoy
31:40
doing the tying. Think about it, that
31:41
conversation would be like, I really like to be tied up in
31:44
rope and that could be the end of it because in your mind
31:47
you're very goal oriented. You got to step back a little
31:50
bit and think, what am I trying to achieve here?
31:52
I'm trying to feel safe. I'm trying to feel in control.
31:55
I'm trying to feel not in control.
31:58
Start there and then layer on the kink or the interest you
32:02
have and how it sort of fulfills that need or goal you have, you
32:06
know, so in order to find out if your partner is open or not to
32:10
exploring it, I still think it's important to share the core
32:13
desire that you have and you want met.
32:15
And then talk about ask them like, do you think you'd be
32:18
interested in learning rope or trying it out?
32:21
You're just asking them to dip their toe in the water.
32:24
Here's how we can try this a little bit.
32:26
Like, would you consider trying or allowing me to just tie your
32:31
wrists or tie one leg to see what it feels like?
32:35
And what you're hoping for is yes, that they'll say, yeah, we
32:38
can try it, you know, And then you start small.
32:40
If they say absolutely not and it's the end of the conversation
32:45
for them and you're just completely shut down, I'm not
32:48
going to recommend you keep trying to have the conversation
32:51
because you're going to end up in a cyclical, like in a loop of
32:54
just like, OK, rejection, let me try again.
32:56
Let me try again hoping for a different result.
32:59
That is 100% one of the times I'd recommend you reach out to a
33:02
couple's therapist, or that's what I recommend, you reach out
33:05
to a sex and relationship coach, someone who understands that
33:09
desires don't always match up and how to help progress these
33:12
conversations between a couple. So what happens if you do
33:16
finally introduce this and your partner shuts it down
33:20
immediately? How do you handle that?
33:22
You're going to have to sit with that for a second.
33:24
I would not recommend being reactive or going in on them.
33:28
Your gut reaction might be, well I'm going to attack them for
33:31
making me feel this way. I'm going to tell them how wrong
33:34
they are for shaming me about my kinks.
33:37
And even though that might feel really good in the moment, what
33:39
you need to do is sort of retreat.
33:42
I want you to take care of yourself in that moment and tell
33:44
yourself my partner said these things but that is not true for
33:48
me. I am a whole person.
33:50
I just have this kink and there is nothing wrong with it.
33:54
Give yourself the aftercare you deserve from being in that
33:57
experience. Work on healing from it, and
34:00
then go back to the table and have a conversation with your
34:03
partner about how maybe even this isn't for you.
34:06
It's something that's really important to me and I would like
34:09
for you to understand that this is something that I am going
34:12
through or thinking about right now.
34:14
I'd like to have a conversation about it.
34:16
So yes, you can try and have that conversation again, but you
34:20
have to approach it from a healed place and these
34:23
conversations are difficult. So if you need a little bit more
34:26
help, I'm going to give you a few tips of how to approach
34:29
these conversations. So as I said, my number one
34:31
thing is always lead with curiosity #2 break it down,
34:36
break it down to its base form. So you're helping your partners
34:39
and the needs behind it #3 I need you to start saying on a
34:43
regular basis for me, this is how it appears, this is how it
34:48
feels. Because you can't speak for
34:50
everybody. You have to say, for me, this is
34:52
what I need. This is what's important to me.
34:55
Understand that when your partner's talking, give them the
34:58
same empathy or grace that when they're talking, even though
35:01
they might not be using the phrase, what their meaning is
35:03
for me, right? Because that's the only person
35:06
they do have domain and authority over to have to
35:09
represent in these conversations.
35:12
So get in a habit of saying for me, if you don't understand
35:15
something or if your partner says something that might offend
35:18
you or bristle a little bit when you hear it, I'd encourage you
35:22
to go in and dig a little bit deeper.
35:25
Say what do you mean by that? Or when you say that I hear this
35:29
and then tell them what you're hearing or what is going on in
35:32
your brain that makes him bristle or sort of brace for
35:35
impact with what they said. Tell them when you said that I
35:38
heard this and I want to know, is that how you meant it?
35:41
Because honestly, nine times out of 10, that's not usually how
35:45
they meant it. There's something going on for
35:47
me, at least in my own brain or in my body, and I'm having a
35:51
reaction from something that happened before and I'm layering
35:54
that on. I'm projecting on what they
35:57
said. So when I say when you said that
35:59
for me, what I heard was when you said you don't like spanking
36:04
or you think spanking is gross for me, what I heard is you
36:06
think I'm gross for wanting it. Is that what you mean?
36:09
And then they might say no, I just hated getting spanked as a
36:12
kid. So it's gross.
36:14
And they don't mean you're gross for wanting it, just that for
36:16
them spanking as a whole feels gross.
36:19
Something I've been guilty of in the past is making my partner
36:22
feel like they weren't enough because they shared my desire.
36:25
This was especially true when I first started exploring my
36:28
kinks. And maybe they weren't into it
36:30
as much or they were trying, but it wasn't at the level I needed.
36:33
And I think I played a part in doing some damage to the
36:36
relationship by making them feel like they weren't stepping up to
36:39
the plate enough and not recognizing how hard they were
36:42
trying. That's why this conversation is
36:44
sometimes so tough for me, because I'm faced with the
36:47
mistakes I made in my previous relationships and how I had to
36:50
overcome them or work through them with partners.
36:53
Now, in hindsight, I'm glad I had those experiences so I can
36:56
help other people avoid them or work their way out of them a
36:59
little bit faster. Lead with gratitude.
37:02
It's something a lot of you have heard me say because I always
37:05
want your partner. I've even included in the
37:07
worksheet, which you need to check out in the show notes.
37:09
Lead with gratitude. Be thankful that they're showing
37:12
up for the conversation. Be grateful and thankful that
37:16
you're able to express your own needs.
37:19
And I think when you lead with gratitude, it sets you up for a
37:21
stronger conversation with your partner.
37:23
Appreciation is the habit. It's a muscle I think that you
37:26
need to work on. So if you lead with gratitude,
37:30
you're working on that muscle. You become a type of person who
37:32
sees the Silver Linings. You become a type of person who
37:34
starts to appreciate, I see the effort you're doing.
37:37
Speak out what you see them doing for you.
37:40
OK, so start with that. Be like, I see how much work
37:44
you've done, how much research you've done, if they have.
37:47
And that makes me feel really good and cared about, you know,
37:50
so start acknowledging their milestones.
37:53
How they've been making you feel is when you start leading with
37:56
encouragement like that, it's going to make them feel better
37:59
about the work they've done as well.
38:00
And they're going to think like, wow, I've been recognized for
38:02
that. Let me do a little bit more of
38:04
it. Confidence in the role of Dahmer
38:06
sub is something that a lot of people struggle with during
38:10
trying to tap into their sub energy.
38:12
And really being that submissive space might not always feel
38:15
natural, even for people who consider themselves 100%
38:18
submissive. Same thing for the Dom, I've
38:20
heard that a lot from dominance before, especially if there's a
38:23
lot going on in their life, they have trouble sort of stepping
38:27
into the role. There's a lot of imposter
38:29
syndrome on both sides actually, the Dom and sub side.
38:32
So how do you handle when your partner might be interested and
38:36
willing to try but feeling really unsure?
38:39
I think you go through the journey with them in lockstep,
38:42
find an educational resource together and learn together.
38:46
Figure it out, talk about what you're learning.
38:49
Just because you are the one who wants to maybe be tied up
38:52
doesn't mean you can't learn how to do the tying with them.
38:55
So you can practice and talk about it.
38:58
Maybe try on each other so that you both know what it feels
39:01
like. I think this is especially true
39:03
and I like to use the rope example for it because if you're
39:06
just tying someone up, you may never know what it feels like
39:10
for yourself. So exploring it together could
39:12
be helpful so you understand what it feels like on you and
39:14
you know the experience you're giving the other person.
39:18
You might not get the same rush or thrill from it, but
39:20
physically you might be able to understand what they're going
39:23
through. If your partner's not feeling
39:25
confident, that's an area where you have the opportunity to step
39:28
up and step in and help build their confidence in it.
39:33
Pet peeve of mine is when I hear people say, well, I don't want
39:36
to train someone, I just want to find someone.
39:38
At the end of the day, we're always training people how to
39:41
treat us in healthy relationships.
39:43
We're speaking our boundaries and explaining them to the other
39:47
person. So this is just an extension of
39:50
that. And yes, it does sound ideal and
39:52
like a wonderful fantasy for someone to be able to just step
39:55
in and know exactly what we want or have done it 1000 times
39:58
before and be an expert. That's not the reality of it.
40:02
It's important to get real. About how much we might need to
40:05
teach our partner about what we're interested in.
40:08
Hen a vanilla and kinky relationship survive long term.
40:12
If you're genuinely kinky and this is something you need and
40:15
you're with a vanilla partner, it's not going to work.
40:17
You are going to break up eventually.
40:20
You might be able to spend three years exploring it separately
40:24
unless you have a Poly dynamic. Like if you are in a monogamous
40:28
relationship and they're like yeah you can find clay partners
40:30
or you decide to open it up. And if you're a monogamous
40:33
person who wants kink, you're not going to be able to find
40:36
this elsewhere. That's my issue.
40:39
I'm monogamous and I'm looking for one person to fulfill all of
40:42
these things and I've ended up in 2 long term relationships
40:45
where I was with someone who didn't fulfill them and it
40:49
didn't work. And as much as I'd love to say
40:51
that my story is an anomaly, the more I speak to people and I do
40:55
this for a living, the more I see couples who are unable to
40:58
get past this. If one person's not willing to
41:01
give up their kink or not explore it, and those people are
41:05
committed to a monogamous relationship, it eventually eats
41:08
away at the person their kink so that they don't explore it
41:12
deeper. There's this quote from a book I
41:14
read once. It was a kinky fiction book.
41:16
The quote was a fetish is pet you feed or the beast that eats
41:20
you? You don't do it, it's going to
41:22
consume you. And I experienced that with
41:25
spanking. Like I really need a good
41:27
punishment spanking from time to time.
41:29
Take me over your knees, spank me and scold me.
41:32
If I don't have that, it becomes all I think about.
41:35
I also jokingly compare it to when I go on a diet.
41:38
I could go three days without eating a single piece of
41:40
chocolate. As soon as chocolate is off the
41:42
table and it's like you're on a diet right now, all I think
41:45
about is chocolate. That's what it can be like when
41:47
you're kinky. So, so if your partner is saying
41:49
no chocolate for you for the rest of your life, all you think
41:52
about is how you will never have chocolate again.
41:54
You think about ways like, OK, well, how am I going to sneak
41:56
this in? How can I indulge this without
41:59
them knowing? You know, and if that's not part
42:01
of the dynamic you're in, it starts to erode your commitment
42:04
and your partner's commitment to the relationship and can't hide
42:07
things like this in a monogamous relationship.
42:09
And even if you can, and I'm not against people hiding things, it
42:13
just doesn't allow you to be the most authentic version of
42:15
yourself. And I think that that starts to
42:17
show. If the kinky partner isn't so
42:20
kinky that they need it, yes, it can survive.
42:24
But if it moves into the place where their kink is a need and
42:27
they are obsessing over it and they can't stop thinking about
42:30
it, yes, the relationship can survive.
42:33
My question is, can you survive in the relationship?
42:37
And that's the question you need to ask yourself.
42:39
And of course, the hope is yes, we all want you to survive in
42:42
the relationship. But more than that, I want you
42:44
to live authentically. I want you to be happy in and
42:47
out of your relationship. So I want you to think, is this
42:50
the right thing for me? If you decide staying in the
42:52
relationship is more important than exploring your kink, I
42:55
would highly recommend hiring a relationship coach to talk
42:59
through your desires, to learn to sit with the the appointment
43:02
of not having your needs met, and to create some coping
43:05
mechanisms for it. Because this is not something
43:08
you can just bury for most people.
43:10
And at the end of the day, every relationship is unique.
43:13
A vanilla kinky match can have lifelong happiness and last
43:18
forever. So yeah, I've given a lot of
43:20
examples of what can and can't work.
43:22
And these are just of the examples.
43:23
I know there are thousands of people who are able to navigate
43:28
the balance of 1 kinky and one vanilla partner, right in the
43:32
same way people navigate someone who has a high sex drive versus
43:35
a low sex drive. We find ways to make our
43:38
relationships work and I think the important thing is to
43:40
continue to have the commitment to making the relationship work.
43:44
Whether that's introducing your kinks, not having your kinks,
43:47
the communication, and figuring out what works for you and your
43:50
partner is the most important thing.
43:54
If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to subscribe, leave
43:56
a review and share it with anyone who might find it
43:59
interesting. And if you have any questions or
44:01
topics you'd like me to cover in future episodes, feel free to
44:03
reach out e-mail info@thekingconsultant.com.
44:07
Until next time, keep on kinking on.