Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / What Do Married Men And Single Women Have In Common? The Inability To Understand That Female Libido Decreases After Marriage And Kids

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What Do Married Men And Single Women Have In Common? The Inability To Understand That Female Libido Decreases After Marriage And Kids · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi, everybody, and welcome to the doctor psych mom, show.
• 0:09
  Today, we're going to talk about what married man and single
• 0:11
  women have in common, but before we do that, I must, of course,
• 0:14
  tell you to subscribe the most, recent one was about depression
• 0:19
  and when people can't admit, or don't recognize that they are
• 0:22
  depressed, and this can manifest in Myriad ways, including
• 0:25
  irritability, anger, fatigue, body pain, like just a whole
• 0:30
  bunch of things that people don't usually associate with
• 0:32
  depression. Apathy, Just a meaninglessness,
• 0:37
  like a feeling of just that your life isn't meaningful.
• 0:40
  There's all sorts of ways and if you know, some more of them that
• 0:43
  you may be able to acknowledge and recognize when you're
• 0:46
  depressed and thereby work on it, you know, which was not only
• 0:49
  good for you, but for your family.
• 0:51
  So what do married men and single women have in common,
• 0:58
  they both have a high libido. I mean, they both have a high
• 1:01
  libido and they both underestimate the power of
• 1:03
  monogamy and reducing. A libido.
• 1:05
  This is also unhappily married women, by the way.
• 1:08
  So we're talking about a commonality between married men
• 1:11
  and single woman, and on happily married women.
• 1:13
  Which what do you think that might lead to when you get those
• 1:16
  types of people? Together, married men, unmarried
• 1:19
  women Affairs Affairs. So men frequently have affairs
• 1:23
  with women who have the same libido level as that why though
• 1:29
  I did these women have the same libido level as them because a
• 1:32
  there were new person so you always have a new Hike in your
• 1:36
  libido with a new person. But also, these people are not
• 1:38
  in monogamous relationships that were good that then they lost
• 1:43
  their sex drive. So people like to make sense of
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  the world, right? So this is a human thing.
• 1:49
  You like to think that you have hacked, some sort of a system,
• 1:55
  you understand things such that you can prevent bad things
• 1:59
  happening to you. This is a, this is the human
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  drive to feel. All safe and secure.
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  This is why when you hear about a horrible thing happening, like
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  let's say a car crash where a child dies, right?
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  If you hear about that you are immediately.
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  Many people will immediately start thinking about why it
• 2:22
  couldn't have happened to that. They will scour.
• 2:24
  The article for any detail, that indicates something they could
• 2:28
  tell themselves as a reason for why this wouldn't happen to
• 2:31
  them. Because the idea of random bad
• 2:33
  things happening in the First makes them so anxious.
• 2:36
  An ancient people do this more than other people, so they
• 2:39
  become so overpoweringly. Anxious that they have to find a
• 2:42
  reason that this quote would not happen to them.
• 2:45
  So they'll be like, oh, let me see.
• 2:47
  Let me see. Let me see. 1111 52.
• 2:51
  She was driving it 1152. I would not drive that late.
• 2:54
  Why? I never drive that late anymore?
• 2:57
  You know, I would not drive a child that late so, yeah, you
• 2:59
  know, yeah well, terrible thing that happened but she was
• 3:02
  driving real late. It's like, come on.
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  On, you know, like if you look at it for a second you could be
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  like oh my God you're just trying to find some reason that
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  this couldn't happen to you because the thing makes you so
• 3:12
  anxious, but it's like kind of an Adaptive mechanism to get
• 3:15
  people through life, where bad things, randomly happen.
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  Kids, do this all the time, by the way, dysfunctional, families
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  have children that say things to themselves like, now, if I'm
• 3:25
  just good, Mom isn't going to yell.
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  If I'm just quiet. Dad isn't going to beat me.
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  It's been disproven time and time again.
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  You can't be quiet enough for dad not to beat you, but if you
• 3:34
  tell Yourself. Instead as a child dad is a
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  fucking crazy lunatic, that will just beat my ass randomly.
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  That's no way to live, like you cannot maintain an Adaptive
• 3:46
  childhood, you cannot feel any sanity in that universe.
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  So, you have to tell yourself that you just haven't been good
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  enough yet to not get beat and that ironically is better for
• 4:00
  kids to have that delusion. Then to just say, my life is
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  totally random. He's Just going to beat me
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  whenever he drinks. I never know when he's gonna
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  drink, so I never know. I never know.
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  That would be, that would be literally crazy make it so
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  instead the child has to say there some sort of pattern here,
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  I just haven't figured it out yet.
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  So of course, you could see how that happens.
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  When the children grow up, then they continue to think that
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  there are these kinds of patterns and they could be good
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  enough that their spouse or whoever will be nice to them,
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  but in, but they pick a spouse like their parents.
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  And so this never happens and they replicate their upbringing.
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  But so it doesn't end up going any better until they can get
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  into therapy or do some deep introspection and recognize that
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  they are replicating these patterns, but in childhood is
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  very adaptive to think there's some way to fix this.
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  I just haven't figured it out yet so that's what adults do,
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  too. So, how is this related to our
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  topic? Even though it was, of course,
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  an interesting diversion as I usually have women in unhappy
• 4:58
  marriages, who also have those sex drives tell themselves that
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  there is a fantasy. SeaWorld where if they were
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  happily married, then they would have sex drive?
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  Well, this is a nice fantasy to have, you know, and of course
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  there's a normal distribution of sex drives but I have never yet.
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  Oh, and of course, women who are single think that they will be
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  the ones that do find somebody to whom they are so physically
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  and chemically attracted that they have a honeymoon stage
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  forever. It's always a honeymoon stage.
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  Age, you know, sexual connection, and they will do
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  this by unlike the women that they know they're going to
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  choose better. And then they come up with these
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  kind of superstitious things like, oh, those women just
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  didn't marry men, they were really attracted to and that's
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  why their sex drives go down. When I hear about women, sex
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  drive is going down or the unhappily married women say it's
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  because those women are in unhappy, marriages like me.
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  So we all have low sex drives in in this category of woman, the
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  Unhappily Married. Read women, we have low sex
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  drives because our husbands just our problem, you know, and
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  they're such assholes or they're so useless or they're struggling
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  with substance abuse or PTSD or depression or really whatever
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  the case may be. And that's why so why do I try
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  to dispel this illusion? That's so, you know, nice for
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  women to have two reasons, one they're going to end up real
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  real unhappy. When they Is that there is no
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  evading fate and like, you know, and basically it's not fade,
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  it's habituation, it's basic Behavior Theory.
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  Everybody gets used to who they're with, and for lower sex
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  drive, the lower sex drive, gender, women have less
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  testosterone. And they're more responsive to
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  the effects of age and to monogamy and menopause.
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  Etc. There's really no no going
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  around it. Your sex drive is always gonna
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  go down. If it starts off super high, you
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  got a better. A shot.
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  But it's not like anybody perpetuates this honeymoon,
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  stage forever, doesn't matter how attracted you are at the
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  beginning. So, a lot of women that are
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  like, oh, those women that are like, don't have sex in their
• 7:17
  marriages. Now, they just weren't attracted
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  to the man. I rarely rarely, maybe 10% of
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  the women that I work with, we're never attracted to their
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  husband. Most of them were super
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  attracted to their husband, you know, and that's the common
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  situation, for most of us divorced people, a Action was
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  not the problem. There was other problems but it
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  was never this chemistry was fine.
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  It's the the relationship didn't work for different reasons than
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  that. So this is also an extremely
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  important podcast for mentalism to who are tempted to have a
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  fair to or who may be in an affair and contemplating leaving
• 7:53
  for the affair partner. This only works out five percent
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  of the time that people who leave for their Affair Partners,
• 7:59
  marry their Affair Partners that's 5%, and then within that
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  75% of those matter. Marriages.
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  Don't last until 5 years. Why do they?
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  Why don't they last? Well, I mean, numerous reasons,
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  the biggest one that I would imagine, which I see frequently
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  is that it's somebody cheated with you sometime a little bit
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  later after the honeymoon stage occurs.
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  You start to realize that they might cheat on you with someone
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  else and then there's a lot of trust issues and so forth.
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  Also, a lot of women who will sleep with married, men
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  definitionally have low self-esteem because they are To
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  be the second fiddle and to be with a man who is not committed
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  to them publicly unless they too are in this situation where
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  they're just cheating and also, and it's there just think of it
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  as sex. And in that case, these people
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  don't marry each other. But in the case, where a woman
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  feels very romantically about a married man and has taken a lot
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  of shit and not spend holidays with him and been, second
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  fiddle. All these years, who's what kind
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  of woman is that? I mean, that's a woman with low
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  self-esteem, truly. And so, when she gets into the
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  marriage with him, she's still going to have the same.
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  Same low self-esteem and probably depression issues.
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  Then the honeymoon stage is going to wear off and then
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  she's, you know, a woman who who is angrier with him than his
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  first wife was and that's not going to go.
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  Well, but the thing is people have very high expectations when
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  so there's a single woman and her you know Sex Drive is
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  through the roof. The married guys like finally.
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  I found somebody that can match me for libido.
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  I'm not going to make the same mistake twice.
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  So I'm going to be with this kind of woman instead of my wife
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  who was never very sexual the beginning.
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  Well guess what, her Sex Drive is going to go down to and it's
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  she's also older because you're older.
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  So everybody's older except for Leonardo DiCaprio.
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  He only dates the same age woman but everybody else.
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  Usually a guy who's 40, he's gonna maybe it go down to 30
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  year old woman but not down to 20, but either way when the
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  Twin, even if he dates a 20 year old woman, she's gonna probably
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  want kids by 25. And at that point is when your
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  sex drive goes down, Down. Breastfeeding you sex drive goes
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  down? Body.
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  Doesn't want to make a baby. But anyway, another thing to
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  think about when we're talking about this is limerence now,
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  what is limerence? There's good book love and
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  limerence by Dorothy tentative written many decades ago.
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  It's still interesting. Read and limerence is basically
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  the infatuation or honeymoon stage.
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  And here, she writes that a last one and a half to three years,
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  which is, you know what everybody else has found two or
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  or there's some people where limerence stays For like 20
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  years in which cases when it's unrequited love.
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  So there's the uncertainty of the relationship is, what keeps
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  the person in a limerence stage? When the uncertainty is
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  resolved, then there's no more limerence AKA honeymoon steak.
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  So when you're with your Affair partner you could be with them
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  for like 10 years Bill and and be like, wow I know them inside
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  and out. I know what their sex drive is
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  man, you don't know shit because the liver liver and state has
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  not resolved as soon as you're married that's when you know who
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  she really is. Because then the uncertainty
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  Fades away, this is why people have hysterical bonding after a
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  Partners found out to be unfaithful as I discussed in my
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  infidelity podcast because the circle bonding means this rapid
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  intense uptick in the sex life between the partners, when one
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  of them is found out to be cheating.
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  This happens frequently because all of a sudden, there's
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  uncertainty, it's like, oh my God.
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  Are we even going to stay together?
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  Does he even love me? Does she even love me?
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  And that leads to like this little version of limerence
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  where you're obsessed. Each other obsession is only
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  there in with uncertainty when you're married with kids,
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  there's no uncertainty plus, there's a biological change when
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  there is any kind of life event for women.
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  Such as aging, children, breastfeeding menopause,
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  perimenopause, depression anxiety, any of it.
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  So, is this to say that every woman has the same sex drive and
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  will have the same decrease? No, of course not again, normal
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  distribution, like with everything however, married men
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  and Oh, women and unhappily married.
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  Women are role under the delusion that somehow there are
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  couples that can remain in the honeymoon stage forever.
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  You know, the only people, and I never say that one gender is
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  better or smarter than the other.
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  You know, that's some reason that I get so many couples
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  counseling referrals because y'all know, I don't do that but
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  I'm gonna go off brand for a second.
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  The only people that really understand the reality of what's
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  going on, here are the happily married women, that's the only
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  subset, the happily married women.
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  Are like, yeah, of course, I love my husband and of course,
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  my sex drive isn't where it used to be, doesn't have to do with
• 12:41
  him, he's great, but I'm not 25. And this isn't a new
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  relationship and I loved him deeply and I still don't look at
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  him and want to rip his clothes off.
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  I mean it because this is my husband and I got shit to do.
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  For example, I got these multiple children to take care
• 12:58
  of and my job and the mortgage. And I'm also, by the way, you
• 13:01
  know, 40 going through perimenopause symptoms and Gotta
• 13:05
  talk to my doctor. These are the people who
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  understand more of what reality is the unhappily, married women
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  say, okay? My sex drive may be down, but
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  that's because of him and this marriage, not realizing they
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  have no control group, you know, you don't live two lives at once
• 13:21
  like an experiment. So they don't know that.
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  No, even if they were happily married, they still wouldn't
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  want to rip the guys closed off every three seconds.
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  Like they would in the dating stage and the single women
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  because when you're single you're that's basically when a
• 13:34
  That's Dr. Is equal to a man's at least, as much as it can be.
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  That's when you think about sex all the time, so there are women
• 13:41
  who have been divorced for so many years that they basically
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  turn into single women, you know?
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  Again, they're dating a lot and they have a really high sex
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  drive and they assume then that in the next marriage they're
• 13:51
  going to not make the same mistake.
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  That's so many women around the make which is marrying the quote
• 13:57
  wrong person that does not keep your high libido hot.
• 14:00
  There's no man that mean you could be in the most loving way.
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  Relationship and the women in them also have their sex drive
• 14:08
  go down. The difference is, they will
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  understand, okay, I love him. Let me get myself in the mood
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  for sex. Let me at least start kissing
• 14:15
  him. Something, you know, and then we
• 14:17
  can start to have sex that I find.
• 14:19
  Definitely enjoyable. You can refer back to my
• 14:21
  podcasts on high libido. Women, do they have spontaneous
• 14:24
  or responsive desire? And I talked about how they have
• 14:26
  responsive as well in the majority of cases.
• 14:30
  It was funny because when I posted that one, I got somebody
• 14:33
  commenting and Like, you know, I've been with my boyfriend for
• 14:37
  like a few years and like I still want to have sex with him
• 14:40
  all the time. So like it must not be, you
• 14:43
  know, it's like that's literally what this podcast is for is for
• 14:46
  the people that think that there's something about being
• 14:50
  like a young woman with a boyfriend that in any way,
• 14:54
  replicates what it's going to be like, to be a married mom.
• 14:57
  I'll tell you. I've been there.
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  It doesn't, it's there. Is there is much less.
• 15:04
  Continuity than you would like to believe and it's hard to even
• 15:07
  imagine it if you're a very high sex drive young woman in a
• 15:11
  unmarried State prior to kids. It's hard to imagine what it
• 15:16
  will be like the first time that you don't experience a sex
• 15:19
  drive. So for me, that was when I
• 15:21
  breastfed, I was 28 years old for this happened before that.
• 15:25
  I was a stupid as all the other women that are like, oh no, you
• 15:29
  know, those people they just married the wrong partner,
• 15:33
  probably wasn't To them, you know, from the beginning and so,
• 15:38
  or maybe they're just lonely Beetle people, you know, when
• 15:40
  this is when I would hear about, you know, jokes and so forth
• 15:43
  about sex going down, over marriage.
• 15:46
  And I was like, oh no. You know, if you're highly high
• 15:50
  sex drive, you know, and you married somebody that you're
• 15:53
  attracted to, then your sex drive is going to be that way.
• 15:57
  Forever, you just gotta keep on, do you know like making sure
• 16:00
  that you have the time to spend together?
• 16:03
  You know, like all the stupid shit.
• 16:04
  Who thinks this stuff and it's a stupid with love.
• 16:07
  I was stupid. You know, it's a term of
• 16:10
  endearment. It just means innocent naive.
• 16:12
  Right. So men think this men are the
• 16:15
  ones who were like, oh no, I just got to work out more.
• 16:17
  They just going to be in to begin, like she used to be
• 16:20
  unless your workout involves, you literally like doing some
• 16:23
  Sci-Fi Action where you crawl into a different body and become
• 16:26
  a different man, it ain't gonna do anything.
• 16:29
  It doesn't do anything. Mostly what happens is she's
• 16:32
  like, oh fuck, he's going to the gym.
• 16:33
  I guess I got to say he looks Okay you look so good honey out
• 16:37
  tonight. We have to have sex.
• 16:39
  You know. Every that's what it's like when
• 16:40
  your wife of 20 years sees her husband of 20 years go to the
• 16:44
  gym. Okay good, that's nice.
• 16:45
  He looks cute. Alright, good.
• 16:47
  You know, but it's not anything like how she used to feel about
• 16:50
  you and she wants to fuck your brains out at the beginning.
• 16:52
  Because of habituation the same thing, the same human
• 16:56
  phenomenon, and mammalian phenomenon, that makes exposure
• 17:00
  therapy work. The same reason that you could
• 17:02
  cure, dogs will be a by just hanging out with a A dog is why
• 17:05
  you can cure the honeymoon stage by just hanging out more with
• 17:09
  your husband. I mean, that's just what
• 17:11
  happens. People get used to shit.
• 17:14
  And so well for me since I'm sure you're on tenterhooks, oh,
• 17:19
  you know, waiting to hear about my personal Epiphany.
• 17:21
  The first time was when I was breastfeeding, when I had my
• 17:24
  first baby and I was breastfeeding when I was 28
• 17:25
  years old and I was like, oh my God, I don't feel anything.
• 17:30
  I don't want to have sex at all. It was shocking.
• 17:33
  It was like having Lim removed, you know?
• 17:36
  Like like Phantom limb syndrome. It was like, it's I should I
• 17:40
  want to have some a person who wants to have sex, what
• 17:42
  happened? Why don't?
• 17:43
  I want to have sex at all. And I was like, oh my God, this
• 17:47
  is what the women, I work with who are postmenopausal must feel
• 17:50
  like. And I remember telling that to
• 17:52
  my, then husband, this is it, this is what the it is, that low
• 17:55
  sex drive and it was so astonishing for me because I had
• 17:58
  always, you know, categorize myself is so high sex drive,
• 18:01
  Etc. I didn't realize what I really
• 18:03
  was was A young healthy woman. I was very sexually open.
• 18:07
  I so I did have a high sex drive but I hadn't come up against any
• 18:11
  biological things that would have, you know, decrease the sex
• 18:16
  drive yet. And by the time I had my first
• 18:19
  child was about was, so if I got married, got married at 26, I
• 18:25
  had been with my husband from 2500.
• 18:28
  No 2024, then 26th and 28th. So, by that time, it was about
• 18:32
  four years to his time for the live.
• 18:34
  It's phase to wear off anyway and the breast feeding just
• 18:38
  shoved the last knife in it, I'm not saying that I with my
• 18:41
  ex-husband did not have sex again or anything like that.
• 18:44
  There's certainly we did, you know, I had two other children
• 18:47
  you know, and and the sex life was never an issue, you know.
• 18:51
  But it was a profound decrease from how I had felt about myself
• 18:58
  previously, which is that this was just a way I was wired and I
• 19:02
  was just always going to be high sex drive.
• 19:04
  So, It's so that's why I'm so sure that nobody's doing a bait
• 19:09
  and switch with their husbands, you know, because I was there
• 19:12
  and the woman I talked to were there.
• 19:14
  And it's like, if you remain with somebody that, you know,
• 19:18
  you're attracted to and you still have no sex drive, it's
• 19:22
  more shocking to you honestly than it is to the guy.
• 19:25
  And the guy takes it. So personally, but the woman
• 19:27
  knows it's not personal in, especially if she's done any
• 19:31
  sort of introspection or if she's happily married, you know?
• 19:34
  And then she's like, oh my God, yeah I mean, he's hasn't really
• 19:38
  done anything. He's fine, you know, and I just
• 19:41
  don't have sex anymore. So it's the more happily married
• 19:44
  women which at that stage, you know, I was at that point and
• 19:48
  who are like, oh my God, this shit just changes.
• 19:51
  It just changes. So for any married men, who are
• 19:55
  listening, who feel that you've found this kindred spirit and
• 19:58
  some sort of single woman right now, we're divorced woman that
• 20:00
  you're attracted to and you feel that you have found your
• 20:03
  soulmate Sexually. Remember she's just a human.
• 20:06
  She just a mammal and she feels it.
• 20:09
  Now, she's so in love with you that she's never going to change
• 20:12
  in any way but she does and even though women who are high sex
• 20:18
  drive do, and even the women that are the sexual pursuers
• 20:22
  that I talked to still don't want it all the time because
• 20:25
  they're women. So whereas men who are high sex
• 20:28
  drive sexual pursuers you could push them into a closet in the
• 20:31
  middle of your kid's birthday party, and give them a blow job.
• 20:33
  And as long as you know, It's only five minutes, they'll do it
• 20:36
  a woman. Never never never, never unless
• 20:39
  she's a diagnosed sex addict in which case you're going to be
• 20:41
  dealing with a lot of comorbid personality disorder, symptoms
• 20:44
  that you don't want to get involved with.
• 20:46
  But anyway, hope you found this obstructive in an Illuminating
• 20:50
  as usual. And I will talk to you all soon.