Latest / The Spiritual Realest / Grief Exists Outside of Death (Part 1) - Episode 5

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Grief Exists Outside of Death (Part 1) - Episode 5 · The Spiritual Realest

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: This is the Spiritual Realist, and I'm Scarlett Drown.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: This is a space for honest conversation about spirituality, individuality, and growth.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to opening your mind without pressure, performance, or pretending.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: From views to heavenly minded, but earthly good.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_02: From church fans to creed mama had a Bible open.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_02: Grandma had a jar of roots.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_02: Cross hanging over the doorway.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_02: But the church still knew the truth.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Let's begin.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna start with our sound bowl to help take away any distractions or negative energy while we spend this time together.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yay! So today our scent is basil, and basil is known for healing, heart clarity, emotional reset and cleansing, and most of all, courage and strength.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna use our basil essential oil, and you can use the actual essential oil, or you can just boil actual leaves and let the fragrance permeate your house.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Either way, it is really good for um helping you grieve or get rid of grief.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: It helps you in the process of it, it helps clear the energy, it helps bring you back to Heart Central.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: And so today we're gonna talk about some of these things.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: As I turn my machine on.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yay.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: So let's get into it.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about some of these things that we lose that we're not aware of or that we don't properly grieve because people say you should just get over it, or it shouldn't really matter, or what have you.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: The first one we're gonna talk about a desire of our hearts.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: So I have a great story.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: My senior year in high school, I wanted to major in music.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: And my parents and I had the biggest argument.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: And when I say we had an argument, we had an argument.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: My parents were not willing to pay for me to go to school to major in music.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: Back then, when I was going to college, that wasn't considered a career that would bring about money.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: It didn't make sense to major in music because if you did it, then you did it and you just was going to be in it.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Or if not, you were not.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: And so my parents decided that that wasn't going to be something that they would support if I went to college.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Just a little background.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: I started playing saxophone in the sixth grade.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: I played the biggest saxophone, the bass.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and then I went to tenor, and then I went to alto.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: I played all of junior high school, all of high school.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: I also can read sheet music.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: I also sang all the time.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: I was always requested to sing.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: So it wasn't that music was not a part of me and who I was.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: It was because my parents didn't at the time understand that that could make money.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because let's face it, back then, people who made money started in the industry, or it was an industry that was very secular.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: And because I grew up in a Christian home where secular music wasn't even allowed, it just wasn't a part of something that could be tolerated at the time, or it didn't seem to make sense.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: So therefore, I had to make a decision.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Now, mind you, I have already got accepted into school, my bags are already packed, I'm already ready to go.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: And when my mom sees my paper that says major in music, this is when it happens.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: So, what am I supposed to do with this?
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm supposed to declare a major that is subpar to really what I wanted to do in this life.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I did.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: I chose special education because I mean, a teacher is just a teacher, but a special ed teacher makes more money.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I tried to do, you know, what I felt was best at the time.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: But the entire time I had to grieve a personal desire that I had in my whole mind that I was going to major in music my entire life.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I didn't even understand why it was a big deal, but I know that I was gonna need support in college.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: So I couldn't do it by myself.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: I had never been on my own in that manner.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: So I didn't want to rock the boat.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: I was a kid that just never wanted to rock the boat in that manner.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I grieved my own personal desire at the tender age of 18.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: And that taught me a lot of life lessons in what I was willing to sacrifice for someone else, right?
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: And we don't talk about that enough on how we grieve to make it better for other people when in actuality it's hurting our trajectory in life.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: The next kind of grief I would like to talk about is the grief of a romantic relationship.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I know people think when it is, it is, and when it ain't, it ain't.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: However, that is a grief that we all put to the side.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: We kind of treat it as just something next in life or what's next.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of times people don't even grieve.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: They get right from one relationship to another relationship.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: They don't even take the time to heal from the trauma of losing that relationship, especially when it was for years.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: When I went to college, I was in a relationship.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: I had been with this particular guy for almost four years, and we were in love.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: I knew him, he knew me, and we didn't want to break up, actually, to tell you the truth.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: He was secretly gonna come to where I was, and we were gonna secretly get married and then live on campus because they had a marriage dorm and everything.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: No one knows this.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, no one knows this story.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: But after my freshman year, I elected.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: I chose this form of grief.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: I chose to not be with him anymore.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't because of something bad.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: It was just I knew this wasn't what I wanted to do in the future.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: I knew I had feelings that were not culpable to a heterosexual relationship.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: And I had already had enough trauma from choosing other people.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: And so I elected a grief of losing a relationship and a loved one from somebody who truly loved me.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_00: He was kind, he was gentle, he was nice, he accepted me for who I was.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: However, it just wasn't what I wanted.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: And so after four years of being with him, I came home on a Christmas break and I let him know we wouldn't be together anymore.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: And everyone was sad.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't just me.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: We were like the couple, the youth group couple, right?
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: And everyone saw the potential of the relationship, especially in the Christian environment.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I just elected to go a different way because it wasn't what I wanted.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't what I felt.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't even want to be in that kind of relationship, but I didn't know how to say that.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: I elected a grief that a lot of people have to make decisions on.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you may have to choose to leave a relationship after 10 years or 20 years or 30 years, or leaving it because the kids aren't the main thing anymore, or you're leaving it because you're not satisfied and the person isn't loving you how you want to be loved.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: You can make those decisions, but take the time to heal, take the time to feel better, take the time to move forward, take the time to grieve a loss because time cannot be regained.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: So if you were with someone for 20 years or 30 years or five years or eight years, and you decided that you wanted to leave, it's okay.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay to choose you first.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: I know I surprised some of you when I said I didn't want to be with a man.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: And that's because for my entire life, I knew that I was different.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: I knew that I liked women.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: I knew at a very early age, and when I say early, I mean early, like five, six, seven.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Like when you start getting those feelings and liking people, it was women.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: I liked women, and believe it or not, a lot of women and a lot of girls came on to me, like in the craziest way you could ever believe.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: My second kiss was from a girl, and she was younger than me, and she kissed me and she said, You're so pretty.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: And something about you, I was like five, and she was like four.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I know people are thinking, but believe it or not, that that is a true story, and that really did happen.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: I remember girls telling me all the time that they just felt comfortable around me, and and I didn't understand at the time, but I knew that I was different.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: I knew that I did not have the typical feelings that people had.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like I didn't care about having a boyfriend.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't care about those things, but I also knew that I lived in a house that would not accept me at the time for who I was.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: I knew that I was supposed to find a husband.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: I was supposed to have kids, and I was supposed to stay in the house of the Lord until the day that I died.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so when I decided that I was going to leave my boyfriend of the four years, I knew that I also was getting rid of what I identified as, even though it was a mask, I grieved the loss of that mask.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: I grieved not being seen as normal.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: I grieved not being seen as a Christian in this particular way.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: I grieved not being whole, right?
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because at this point, I had decided that if I break up with him, I'm going to try a girl.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to try to be with a girl.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, I went to a Christian school, and that's where I found my first girlfriend at, just FYI.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um, however, I decided that this is what I wanted to do and who I was going to be.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: And A, in the beginning, I was just gonna hide it from my parents until the day that they died and then live this life out.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: But obviously, that didn't happen because my first girlfriend outed me.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: So I had no choice but to grieve the loss of being heterosexual in front of a lot of people and the world because I was exposed.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm grateful for that.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: I really am.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: It took months to heal from that.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: It took months to heal from that.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: My family, it took months for me to go around them.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: It took months for me to be okay with accepting it publicly.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Also, with that and being outed, I had to also grieve my family's perception of who I was and not just my family, but I had friends, I had people I grew up with, I had a whole crew, I sang in a whole choir in college.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: And can you imagine knowing that you have these feelings and having a secret girlfriend in the same choir as you and having to hide that?
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I had to learn how to grieve that loss of identity, not just for me, but the perception of me as well.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: Did my gifts go away?
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Did it make me less talented?
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: Did it change the core of who I was?
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: Was that going to alter how people saw me, how people accepted me, or was that going to create a denial of who I was and everything that I had done previously?
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: Did that take away from that?
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: No, it didn't.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: But did I have to grieve that?
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Did I have to sit and wonder and get healing from being okay with not being accepted?
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: I did.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: Regardless of what happened, regardless of what you had to let go of, what let go of you, regardless of what you chose, regardless of who you chose, if it brought you pain, then it is grief.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: And take the proper time to heal.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Grief does not always come from physical death.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: Grief comes from loss of situations, loss of identity, loss of anything that you held dear to you.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: Every time there's a loss, there should be a healing.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: There should be something that you do to help regain your center, to help bring you back to heart clarity, to help bring you back to a central line so that you can move forward with the lessons learned, with the right mindset, and with an open heart to try something different or try something new.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: This week, if you would like, you can actually get some essential oil, basil, or you can actually boil the actual leaf and meditate around it, bringing your heart clarity, forgiving yourself, forgiving others, and most of all, moving forward.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Scarlet Drought, earthly good and heavenly minded.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: You're allowed to grieve what mattered to you, even if the world didn't.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: In closing, may the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength and my redeemer.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: Be gentle with yourself.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: From church fans to create.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: The spiritual realist is produced by organized movement.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_01: The hush, hush, the looky ground.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: Still dancing on the edge of my mind.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_01: I went from hemp to the river, from folded heads to touch of dirt.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_01: I let the spirit guide me to the herds of the earth garlic through.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_01: I remember every story that they spoke in the words.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_01: I'm empowered by the spirit, strengthened by my descent.