Latest / Long Haul Marriage Roadcast / Top 10 Relationship and Marriage Issues

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Top 10 Relationship and Marriage Issues · Long Haul Marriage Roadcast

• 0:18
  Speaker 1: Welcome into the podcast suite, sweetie. Well thanks, how are
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: you doing?
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: Good to be here?
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: I'm glad you're here. It is good to be here.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: It is welcome anywhere right.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: Now, Rasky and me into the podcast suite as well. Wow,
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: it is super Bowl weekend? It is Yeah, what else?
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: And when people hear this, it's going to be how
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: many days till Valentine's Day? I think you've done the math?
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: I think four.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: We're going to talk about a little bit of that,
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: aren't we.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: We are we love Love, We love love.
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so there we are sold out for our Love
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: and Lattes event on the twenty second, on twenty two
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: at justin Coffee. Yes, but never fear, never fear, because
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: what's coming in March?
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: We are going to have another one. I think it's
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: going to be called Lucky in Love?
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: And where did that come from? Is that Saint Patrick's Day?
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: Yes?
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: Is it around that day?
• 1:19
  Speaker 2: It's around Well, it'll be probably a little bit after,
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: so the date will be okay, TVDA, that's.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: Where we're getting the lucky part? Yeah, or are we
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: going to get lucky? If you have guys, if you
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: bring your to this deal.
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: You know what it's double double on Tom Drake. Okay,
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: good deal.
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: So you know what I'm going to do here, what
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: I'm going to pull up the some statistics here. I
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: love this, man. I want we're not doing shout outs
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: and I think I'm done with the Hey Hayes.
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: I'm not done with the hay Hayes. I'm far from
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: don with the Hayes.
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: All right, are going to go over. So I'm gonna
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: say hi to a lot of people. So this is
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: so create crazy. Got to comment on the Spotify podcast
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: from Idaho, and so that got me looking in to
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: some of the stats. I'll say it's easier to say
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: so United States four hundred and ninety nine downloads. I
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: love that. We're going to come back to that. So Norway,
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: United Kingdom, India, Finland, Mexico, Canada, Cayman Islands, and Spain.
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: And what I love about this you can see if
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: people are listening, you know, for twenty six seconds to
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: your podcast and people who are like listening to the
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: entire episode. These are people who are listening to the
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: entire episodes. Yes, wow, thank you guys. And so what
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: I want to do is here say you're not done
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: with Hey Hayes. So this is a big hey, hey
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: to the listen to this half of the United States
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: listening to our podcast. Now, hey, hey, so we have
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to just do all the numbers, but
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: I'm just gonna name the states. So hey, hey to Texas,
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: and here we go. That's the obviously the Lion's share. Michigan, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Colorado,
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: We see you, Colorado, Wyoming, Missouri, Maryland, North Carolina, New York, Ohio, Florida,
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: ar Kansas, Oregon, Virginia, Georgia, Illinois, Minnesota, Arizona, Alabama, Louisiana, Indiana, Pennsylvania, Idaho,
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: and Washington. Man, welcome you, guys, welcome in, and thank
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: you for listening.
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: We love it, we love it, we love it. So
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: how about we say, if you're listening to this and
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: a person that you know is in a state that
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: was not mentioned your mission, should you choose to accept
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: it is this week? Send it to that person so
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: that we can eventually have all fifty states.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: Good call, great call.
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: We would love that mission.
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: We would love that. So last time we talked about
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: our intensive and so our new certification. We were certified
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: as through exo marriage as marriage mediation intensivists, and we
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: are offering that tool that's going to be I think
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: we're renaming what was the overhaul take in the shop
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: and now our intensive is going to be the overhaul
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: because that's really what it is. We're so found, we're
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: so glad we found this tool, and uh, yeah, we're
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: going to be practicing them with a couple here real soon.
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: Yes. And can I just say this too that if
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: you are not subscribed to our newsletter, if you go
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: to long haul marriage dot Org, go to our website,
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: you'll have a little pop up that says become a
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: long hauler. You can add your information there and you
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: will receive a monthly newsletter. The reason why I thought
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: of that about that is because the one that will
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: be going out in I don't know about a week,
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: the February newsletter will have more information about each of
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: those services. So if people are like, what are you
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: talking about in the shop or hitting the road or overhaul,
• 5:27
  Speaker 2: it will have more info. Yeah. Cool there.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: So I want to get into you brought up good points.
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: We're going to be doing this love and lattes thing,
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: and you said you wanted to be mindful of the
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: people who this is not a very romantic time, or
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: they have a Valentine, but they feel like they're there,
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: you know, they didn't get the flowers, the roses, the
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: little gift, and they feel like it's just another day
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: on the calendar. It's not a special time. So what
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: what do you want to say about that?
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: I just want to say that we're mindful of that,
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: like we I think the interesting thing about life and
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: learning to do this what I'm about to say is
• 6:08
  Speaker 2: kind of key to everything in life. But if we
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: can hold both that we love Valentine's Day and that
• 6:15
  Speaker 2: it's special and we love love and we know that
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: it's also a hard day for a lot of people,
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: I think we can hold both of those. Uh. You know,
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: I think with my empathy as taught as one of
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: my top strengths, and what is it, includer includer Yeah, uh,
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: I think I just always whenever you do anything, like
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: I post something, I'm like, oh, but what about when
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: so and so see this and this is hard for
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: them to see that our family is being happy when
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: their family's blown up or their grown kids aren't talking
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: to them or so that's always playing in my mind,
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: and so sometimes I can, you know, minimize things that
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: are you know that I want to celebrate because I'm
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: also cognizant of people that that's a hard thing for.
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: So anyway, with this ministry, you know, with long haul, Yes,
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: we are in it for the long haul, and we're
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: all about love. But at the same time, we we
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: want to recognize people that this is hard for. We
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: meet with people who you know, they're not married, you
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: know they're we meet with people that are married, that
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: aren't married, that you know, are are in a relationship
• 7:32
  Speaker 2: or not in a relationship, and so we see the spectrum,
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: you know, and I think we just want to honor
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: wherever you are, yeah, on that spectrum, if you love
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: love or you think love sucks and you've just been
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: you know, done wrong.
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: And I think we talk about this a lot, but
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: just wanting to make sure people understand. I mean, there's
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: such a stigma still to going and seeking marriage help.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: And some people will call it, you know, marriage counseling,
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: there's marriage therapy, there's all kinds of stuff. We're calling
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: it marriage coaching. That's really what it is that we've done.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: I remember once upon a time there was a actual
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: an actual therapist, she was an LPC and maybe all
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: kinds of other letters, and she said, you know what, Brian,
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: I'm afraid you're starting to do counseling. Maybe don't counsel
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: just share your testimony. And that was her advice to me.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: And you know what, I hear her and I took
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: her advice and that's all I've ever done is share
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: my testimony. And so I'm just saying that to say
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: there's still a stigma about going and seeking help, and
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: you thinking who am I talking to and what are
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: they gonna do? Are they what kind of tools are
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: they going to use. We're not shrinking anybody. We're not
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: using therapeutic tools quote unquote. We're not LPCs, we're not
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: licensed professional counselors. What we are is marriage coaches. We
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: have coached over three thousand couples and we've been married
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: for thirty five years, and we know intimately men and
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: women and relationships and marriage, and so we've learned as
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: much as we've ever taught. We've learned and it's doing this.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: By the way, do we need to cut something out?
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: You're looking at me, funny, babe, Do you want to
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: cut something that I just said.
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: No, I'm not looking at you.
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: Funny, I thought you were.
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: I'm looking at you longingly. Oh wow, sweet, No, I
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: love you and I love what you're sharing.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: Oh thank you.
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: I did hit my bracelets on the table, and so
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: I thought maybe you were going to give me the nope,
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: s anything I could hear.
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: We don't have headphones on, so no, I want to
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: go so again, just to normalize things that we talk
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: to people about. I wanted to get into some of that.
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: And obviously when people come in, they think they don't
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: know what to expect, they're feeling anxious, and they're about
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: to share some of the most intimate things that they've
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: ever shared. And that's why we we almost everyone we
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: talk to, we try to get them to go back
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: and listen to the very first podcast episode that we
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: released on a long haul ariage roadcast, because I mean,
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: it just shares all of our journey and we don't
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: go into, you know, deep detail, but we I mean enough, right,
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: but people see and hear what we've been through and
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: that we can relate I mean to huge issues when
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: we talk about like the cops were being called because
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: they thought there was a domestic violent situation. Going on, Uh,
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: the anger, the rage, a lot of the misunderstandings and
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: the frustration and wanting to give up, and then you know,
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: the grief of losing our son and how that really
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: really I mean, if there was ever going to be
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: a time that we thought about calling it quits, you know,
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: and never wanted to, but just thought maybe at some point, Wow,
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: is this what's gonna happen?
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: So, but but I wanted to get into some of
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: the things that we people for because I think some
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: people think, well, we're not a candidate for marriage coaching,
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: or this issue is just specific to us, or it's
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: so unique. And one of the things that we've learned
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: is that nothing is unique to anyone. Like the things
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: that we start to see and hear over and over
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: and over, I mean, they're ubiquitous, they're so common. And
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: when I start to fill in the blanks and start
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: to speak to some of these things that I've heard
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: over and over, people start like they're looking at each other,
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: they're shaking their head, they're smiling and nodding like, oh
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: my gosh, have you had video surveillance in our house?
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: Raising?
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: And it's because we've not only seen and heard it
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: a hundred times, but we've lived it. We have lived it,
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: so we just want to reiterate again, anything that you
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: guys come in with, we are going to relate to
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: because we've been through it and we'll share. There's nothing
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: we're going to hide. There's nothing that we're not going
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: to be vulnerable vulnerable about.
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: And sometimes people think whatever their issue is, they think
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: either it's too small, like oh, a lot of people
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: have it a lot worse than us. I don't think
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: we need to you know, this might not be necessary,
• 12:09
  Speaker 2: you know, so too small, or sometimes they think it's
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: too big. So it's it's too little or it's too much,
• 12:16
  Speaker 2: you know, and so that I think either way they're
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: kind of I don't know if it's an excuse, because
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: I get it. I've said the same things before I
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: went to counseling, Like I don't even know what to say,
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: Like do I just start talking? Are they going to
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: ask me questions? Like this is really hard? You know?
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: And so maybe my thing is like too little. I
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: know there's bigger way, bigger fish to fry away, bigger
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: marriage issues than what I'm about to bring up. Or
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: this is so big or so embarrassing or I've never
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: told anybody, so I don't know. I think you you know,
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: we've seen, you know, every one of those things, the
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: things that they think are too little and the things
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: that they think are too big, and everything between it
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: all fits and it just helps opening up and sharing
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: it with someone and bringing light to the situation. I
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: think that's what helps the most, is not having to
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: live with this thing going on inside and getting bigger
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: every day.
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and so what I'd love to do now is
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: just kind of off. I didn't write this down, should have,
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: but it's just off the top of my head. I
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: want to just start naming some of the issues that
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: and just again before anybody starts freaking out. Obviously we've
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: never used any names. And when you hear your issue
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: and think, oh no, he's saying my issue. Anything I'm
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: going to name off the top of my head, I've heard.
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: I mean, here's fifty just like it thousands of times
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: over the last you know, twenty five thirty years. And
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: I mean that there's no hyperbole with the number of
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: couples we've seen. And so you know, the couple who
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: comes in and the marriage is in bad, bad shape
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: because the man just seems to be angry all the time,
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: and he's taking his anger out on his wife and
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: his kids. And obviously the first thing we do is
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: we dive into the past, right and I don't mean
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: the past of the marriage, the past years of the relationship,
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: but family of origin baggage and issues, father wounds, previous abuse,
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: and previous relationship baggage that that person brings into the marriage,
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: that both both spouses bring into the marriage. That's where
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: we're going to go first. And so many times it's
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: those unhealed wounds. And you'll hearists say this over and
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: over and over, the unhealed wounds from the past that
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: you bring into the marriage that is hurting the marriage relationship. So,
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: you know, the anger and angry spouse, and underneath the anger,
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: we look for fear, you know, shame. We look for sadness,
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: unhealed grief or some traumatic you know wound that's been
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: you know, there all the time, all along, and that
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: gets triggered in the relationship.
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: So another one, Yeah, I got one. Okay, a couple
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: that comes in and they're in they're usually like early
• 15:19
  Speaker 2: fifties and their kids have all flown the coop. They've
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: all left and seen they're left as empty nesters, thinking
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: who are you? We've invested all of our time and
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: all of our energy into raising these kids, and all
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: along the way just kind of we put each other
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: on the back burner and grew apart. And now I
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: don't even know the person who I'm left alone in
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: this house with ye, And so do I like that person?
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: I don't even really know them. Maybe I don't like them,
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: And so kind of rebuilding from from there, you know,
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: this intimacy that has been lost over time, And so
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: I think that's one that.
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: We Yeah, I love, Yes, I love the and we'll
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: go back and forth. I love the young couples that
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: come in, and they have had horrific models of marriages.
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: They do not know how to be a husband or
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: a wife. They don't know what a healthy marriage looks like.
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: What does healthy communication looks like? It look like? What
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: does healthy conflict resolution look like? They don't know literally
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: what they're doing. What does it look like to have
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: a discussion about money or sex or the insecurities that
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: they both have around the fears that they have because
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: of what they saw their parents doing growing up.
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: The couple that comes in and you know, their young
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: child is now a teenager and then a young adult
• 16:52
  Speaker 2: and you know has kind of just left this. You know,
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: there's just this between them and the kids are you know,
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: kind of rebelling, and you know, what do you do
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: with a kid that's not you know, you can't really
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: take things away very much from them, or put them
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: in time out or you know, whatever your form of
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: discipline was, that's not really working anymore. And so you know,
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: maybe now the kid is like grown enough to like
• 17:25
  Speaker 2: leave the house and there's not really a relationship there,
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: and so talking to the mom or the dad or
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: both about you know, trying to to kind of remove
• 17:37
  Speaker 2: any shame they have about regret, you know, like maybe
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: maybe I did too much overfunctioned, or maybe I didn't
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: do enough or and it becomes all about you know,
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: what the parent did or didn't do, and maybe some
• 17:52
  Speaker 2: regrets they have around that, and you know, how to
• 17:56
  Speaker 2: kind of give the child, the man or woman child,
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: you know, some freedom, but then also continue to show
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: them love because what we have seen is they always
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: come back to where the love is. So you know,
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: parents of older yeah, kids struggling.
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah, another one that we see all the time is
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: the couples who haven't touched each other in physical intimacy
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: in months or years and trying to get to the
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: bottom of that, and you know, very you know, a
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: few times, is it some physiological issues. Sometimes it is
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: or hormonal issue. It's usually you know, there's the emotional
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: issues that start the lack of or the breach of trust,
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: the lack of intimacy. There's the infidelity issues when there
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: has been broken trust due to infidelity of one partner
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: or the other, reaching outside of the marriage and walking through,
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: you know, rebuilding trust after that learning first, do I
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: want to forgive? Can I forgive? And then forgiveness is
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: past oriented, trust is future oriented. Can I trust this person?
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: Do I want to? It's such a difficult and a
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: challenging situation, but not impossible. For God, we've seen so
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: much healing and restoration post infidelity. Another one is the
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: girl who's been raised by a single mom. Dad was
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: not around, and so she's been taught in sometimes with
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: words and sometimes without words. Never trust men, do not
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: rely on a man for anything. Be strong, be independent,
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: take care of yourself. And so then the girl that
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: grows up and gets married and that has this worldview
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: that Nope, I'm not going to trust this man to
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: take care of me provide. I'm going to write I
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: don't need your help. And the man is trying to
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: just be a man and provide and protect, and there's
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: a stiff arm coming his way and the lack of
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: respect that he feels and the trouble that that can
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: create in the dynamic of that relationship.
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah. One of my favorite, I guess you know kind
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: of people to talk to are these young moms who
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: you know, either have just had a baby, or you know,
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: they have a toddler or you know, four or five
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: year old, and they're just they find themselves just like,
• 20:30
  Speaker 2: who am I? You know, I had all this like
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: excitement and passion and fervor for life, like things I
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: was going to do and places I was going to go,
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: And now all I do is just feed this child.
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: You know, every day it's time to feed, and then
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: it's time to clean up, and now it's time to
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: make lunch, and now we need to take baths, and
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: it's time for a nap, and you just find yourself
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: in this crazy vicious cycle and think, who am I?
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: I've lost myself in motherhood and so so you know,
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: I think I love that so much because I remember,
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: even though our kids are big, you know, thirty one
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: and twenty nine, almost in twenty three, I still can remember,
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: like I just have to stop for a second, and
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: I remember so deeply that feeling of like this is
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: what I've always wanted, this is what I've prayed for.
• 21:22
  Speaker 2: I'm so grateful for my kids, but I also find
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: myself kind of resentful and kind of sad. And how
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: to can I feel both of those things? Am I
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: going crazy? So there's the young mom that feels that, like,
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: what is my purpose? What is my meaning? You know,
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: how to make life meaningful in the middle of this.
• 21:43
  Speaker 2: And then also, like we talked about the empty nesters,
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: the kids are big and they're not needing you like
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: they used to need you. And once you got comfortable
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: in the kids and being a mom, that is your purpose,
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: that is your meaning, that's you know, that's a huge
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: mission for your life. Well then they, you know, fly
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: the coop and you're like, wait a second. I had
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: I feel like I blinked and I had just adjusted
• 22:07
  Speaker 2: to I love this life and this is bring such
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: meaning to my life, and now they're gone, So now
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: what now? Who am I without being a mom for
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: my kids? Which will always be a mom, but you know,
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: they don't need you necessarily as much as they get,
• 22:24
  Speaker 2: you know, to be grown adults.
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: So one of the that's great, Babe. One of the
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: most common things that I've seen over the years is,
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: you know, the couple comes in and they're presenting these
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: these fights that are happening a lot with and the
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: one of the spouses being quote jealous or being insecure,
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: and what we uncover many many times is that person
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: has a betrayal wound. They've been cheated on in previous
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: relationships many many times, not in this marriage at all,
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: and the spouse has been loyal and has never given
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: them any reason to doubt. But when the spouse is
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: out a little longer than they should be, or they
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: don't know where they are, or they didn't check in,
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: this person who's been cheated on, has been betrayed, never
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: healed that wound, and so they're accusing this person basically
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: having an affair, you know, but they sometimes smoke screen it.
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: They feel ridiculous or ashamed to admit that they were
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: afraid of that and so they say, where were you?
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: You could have been dead, you know, And we've talked
• 23:31
  Speaker 1: about that, I think a little bit. But that's such
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: a common issue when it's like, okay, why is this
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: spouse insecure? Why are they you know? And that can
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: escalate to jealousy to control because if I can control you,
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: you won't hurt me. So we talk about a lot
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: when we get down to it. It's those two. It's
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: not just while the wound that said, if this person
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: cheated on me, now this one can too, but it's
• 23:56
  Speaker 1: the more insidious lie. There's something wrong with me that
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: wouldn't have happened. And so it's healing. It's healing that wound,
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: healing that person's identity so that they don't have to
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: go into crazy brain every single time that spouse is,
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: you know, out doing who knows what. It's learning to
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: trust and it's so interesting how many times that we've
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: uncovered that well, and it's it's because you know, infidelity
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: is unfortunately a real common thing. So along with that,
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: the balance, if you will, of trying to balance leisure time,
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: being out doing whatever, work and home life right to
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: balance that these days as well as then showing your
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: partner attention when you are home because of the issue
• 24:47
  Speaker 1: that now social media being on our phones and how
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: available we are not only for that, but also to
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: be shown attention from someone else, even if it's just online. Right,
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: So those are all is us that we see all
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: the time. We talked about a lot.
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: I think that's going to be a whole podcast episode
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: that we've talked about is the distraction of our phones.
• 25:10
  Speaker 2: Our friend Jane shared with us a lot of good,
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: you know stats about that. Hey not good, Hey, hey
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: to Jane. Okay, so what about two? This is just
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: kind of general, you know, this is this is interesting
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: when working with lots of couples just valuing each other's
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: differences because you know, usually when people you know come in,
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: it's because they're you know, they're different. And so you know,
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: he's an extrovert and he wants to do all the
• 25:46
  Speaker 2: fun stuff and go to every party they're invited to,
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: and she's like, I like to be at home in
• 25:51
  Speaker 2: my pajamas, you know, so extrovert and introvert seeing you know,
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: different love languages, learning, you know, like he's really trying
• 26:00
  Speaker 2: to show her in this way, but she's not feeling loved,
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: she feels lonely and you know, kind of in a
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: loveless marriage. And he's like, but I do all blah
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: blah blah, but it's not she's not receiving it, you know.
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: So we have different love languages, we have different personalities.
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: You and I just we talked about that in one
• 26:19
  Speaker 2: of our last podcast episodes, but about how our strength
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: Finders work could not be more different. And so all
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: the you know, the enneagram, You're an eight, I'm a two,
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: you know, different family of origins, just so many differences
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: that people bring into a marriage. And you you know,
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: at first you think, oh, I love that about them,
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: and then you're like, oh, that bugs me so bad,
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: you know, and it just kind of starts to repel
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: instead of attract. And so learning to again appreciate and
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: value the differences in your partner. So a lot of
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: times it's just that just having a kind of a
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: third person sit and you know, listen and just share
• 27:10
  Speaker 2: from an outside perspective. Sometimes we just are in the
• 27:13
  Speaker 2: middle of our four walls of our home and we
• 27:16
  Speaker 2: just start going at it, you know, about how each
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: other is just different and weird, and we've just lost
• 27:21
  Speaker 2: perspective of what we each can bring and how to
• 27:24
  Speaker 2: value those differences and become a dream team instead of
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: you know, we're getting a divorce now.
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, if there's one issue, if you had just a
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: broad umbrella that is in every single, almost every single
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: talk with what we do with couples, it's that it's
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: the differences something we're going to hit that at some
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: point because it's again, it's so common for those things
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: to start driving wedges and we see them not as
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: something to be valued and it's a strength, but we
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: see it as different, which is weird, which is strange,
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: which is wrong. Yeahs, we can attach to it. One
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: of the things that we see a lot as well.
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: Here we are you know, we don't have exclusive Christian audience,
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: but obviously being in Texas and the Buffalo the Bible
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: Belt South, here we have a lot of Christians and
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: so there are faith differences and so a lot of
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: times that these women will say, I want my husband
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: to be a spiritual leader in the home, and so
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: her expectations, in her vision, her idea, her imagination about
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: what that looks like is different than what the man
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: is thinking or feeling or trying to be or do.
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: And so many times the man wants to be the
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: spiritual leader, and he would maybe even admit I'm not
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: being the spiritual leader, but I don't know how to
• 28:47
  Speaker 1: do that, Like what does that look like? So we
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: talk a lot about that, but many times what we
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: find is the man is actually spiritually leading in a
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: significant way. The wife just doesn't recognize it is that,
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: and she wants something different. You want something that maybe
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: looks like somebody who's standing up on a pulpit in
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: church on Sunday and you know, hey, we want to
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: listen and hear what that woman needs and what she
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: wants and what she desires and earnestly like wants for
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: her or desires for her home and her family. And
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: when I see sometimes these men's hearts, they want to
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: do that, they just they don't know how or they
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: don't know how to get credit for the things that
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: they're doing. And a lot of times it's it's learning
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: to share, like what those things the private thoughts he's having,
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: the things he's doing on his own.
• 29:40
  Speaker 2: We have a lot of.
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: Couples show up and we realize that the woman doesn't
• 29:45
  Speaker 1: know what he's doing. It's like why don't you have
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: quite time. You know, I didn't know that. Wow, you
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: actually listen to a podcast, but you know, or listen
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: to a scripture on audiobook or like literally and they
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: just don't know it. But obviously there's something missing right
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: when it's not trained leading into something that they see
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: in the home that they want. But that's a huge talk.
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: Another one is the faith difference. It's just there, if
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: you will, theological differences. A lot of times one or
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: the other spouse has departed from where they both started
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: in their marriage. Maybe they both came from a fundamentalist Christian,
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: you know, Protestant home or what have you. Maybe one
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: was more liberal, the other one was more conservative, just
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: to use those two kind of huge umbrella terms. Maybe
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: they both came from this kind of small conservative church
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: and then the one has now kind of gone beyond that,
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: and it's like they're on their journey, and that journey
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: can become a threatening to the other spouse because they
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: don't understand it and where you're going, are you still believing?
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: We've talked a little bit about that. I love to
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: have those chats with, especially men, but we found it's
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: been a real, really helpful thing. To talk to couples
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: about to be open about that.
• 31:04
  Speaker 2: Yes, something that I just thought of is when we
• 31:08
  Speaker 2: talk to either couples or individuals, when I talk to
• 31:11
  Speaker 2: women or you talk to guys about just life situations,
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: just needing some wisdom and some prayer about you know,
• 31:21
  Speaker 2: something big in their life, like I have this job opportunity,
• 31:25
  Speaker 2: you know, or should we move or you know, we
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: have this opportunity to put our kids in this different school,
• 31:35
  Speaker 2: and you know, just different things. I mean, people that
• 31:39
  Speaker 2: are working through their parents getting older and having to
• 31:44
  Speaker 2: move them from their home to an assisted living place,
• 31:48
  Speaker 2: you know, or lots of grief. You know, we're well
• 31:52
  Speaker 2: acquainted with grief, you know, so they've just lost their
• 31:55
  Speaker 2: parents and they just find themselves like I don't know,
• 31:58
  Speaker 2: I just life isn't fun and it's very hollow and
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: dark right now. And am I, you know, depressed, and
• 32:06
  Speaker 2: you know, what can I do to kind of help
• 32:09
  Speaker 2: me move forward? You know in this loss of my
• 32:13
  Speaker 2: parents or loss of my spouse or loss of a child,
• 32:17
  Speaker 2: you know, just individual situations like life is so it's
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: it's just colorful, isn't it. It's interesting. There are just
• 32:27
  Speaker 2: so many situations and sometimes when we just try to
• 32:32
  Speaker 2: navigate on our own, it feels really really heavy. So
• 32:36
  Speaker 2: we love walking, you know, just kind of being able
• 32:40
  Speaker 2: to stand in the gap with people.
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: And one more and we'll end with this one for today,
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: but the how many hundreds of parents we've talked to
• 32:48
  Speaker 1: of their sixteen seventeen year old brain dead teenager that
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: they're just afraid to ship off. They just they literally
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: there's some circumstance going on with a kid. They just
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: don't see it the same way. It's like, oh, he's
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: too much of a hard butt. You know, she's too lenient.
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: He's too strict, and she's too soft, and you know,
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: he wants to you know, tough love and she just
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: wants to tough, you know, and or she just wants
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: to love it. There's so just the differences in parenting
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: styles and the way you see it, and we just
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: love walking alongside couples who are dealing with that because
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: of our own experience with that, but but also just
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: just digging in and again going back to honoring those
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: differences and seeing those the way you see it as
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: as actually something that's valuable that you could actually value
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: and treasure. It's like, thank you, God for giving me
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: this other perspective or this this other person to complete
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: you know, this this story when we're looking at talking
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: to our kids.
• 33:50
  Speaker 2: Oh kind of I said, that was the last one.
• 33:51
  Speaker 2: But bring well, just in addition to what you just said,
• 33:55
  Speaker 2: the parents talking to them, but then also when we
• 33:59
  Speaker 2: get to talk to the young. You know, I'm not
• 34:03
  Speaker 2: talking about young young young kids, but young adults. You know,
• 34:08
  Speaker 2: guys and girls at twenty somethings, you know that are
• 34:12
  Speaker 2: just searching. You know that they've kind of either lost
• 34:17
  Speaker 2: their way or just need advice and wisdom from some
• 34:21
  Speaker 2: old people.
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: They never have the authority figures they did not disrespect
• 34:27
  Speaker 1: because they were hurt by them, or they were disappointed,
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: they were abused, they were forgotten about, they were you know,
• 34:34
  Speaker 1: pushed aside, and they want someone that they can trust
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: to give them, like you said, wisdom and advice about everything.
• 34:41
  Speaker 2: Yes, and even if they have a great home life
• 34:45
  Speaker 2: with very supportive parents, sometimes young adults or kids whatever
• 34:51
  Speaker 2: they need to hear from someone other than their parents.
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: Takes a village.
• 34:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, well we are your village if you.
• 35:00
  Speaker 1: Have experienced it. Man, we have to and we've talked
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: about it. One hundred times, and we love just trying
• 35:08
  Speaker 1: to work through things with people and help you and
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: the thing, you know, our greatest human need. You've heard
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: me say that it is not solutions, it's solidarity. And
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: so sometimes just hearing that this is normal, and you'll
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: hear us normalize something like we've heard this a bunch,
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: and here's our experience, and here's the experience of all
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: these other hundreds of couples, and so you feel less alone,
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: less crazy, and you feel seen and heard, and it
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: just like we can do this. We can do this together.
• 35:34
  Speaker 2: Amen.
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: So all right, until next time, Thanks babe,