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How to Change the Meaning You Attach to Things (And Break Old Patterns) · The Resilience Project

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hi y'all, I'm Julie.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a trauma-informed adoptee coach and somatic healing guide.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: After overcoming deep abandonment wounds, I now help adult adoptees move from feeling lost and disconnected to experiencing profound self-belonging.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: I know what it is like to carry the weight of abandonment, to feel stuck in patterns of longing, adapting, and searching for belonging.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: To have tried every healing modality available and come up empty.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: My own healing has taught me this.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: The answers aren't out there.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: They're buried within me.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm here to guide you home to yourself.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: The Resilience Project Podcast brings voice, visibility, and validation to the parts of adoption society rarely names, but all of us feel.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Through an trauma-informed somatic lens, I explore the lived experiences of the entire adoption constellation with a tender emphasis on the adopte experience.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: This podcast goes beyond storytelling into soul telling.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: It offers embodied insight, compassionate education, and a path towards awareness, hope, and strength.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Each episode invites listeners to understand adoption more deeply, not just with the mind, but with the nervous system, and to reconnect with the truth, identity, and belonging that were always yours to come home to.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Hey y'all, I am so glad to be back with you today.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the podcast.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: I kind of want today to feel like you are sitting with me in my living room and having a little chat together with our coffee or our tea.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: And let's walk through something in real time.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: You're probably going to be hearing some repetition as I go through this.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I do that deliberately and intentionally because I want to talk about something today that I don't see as just a concept.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: I picture it as a bridge.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: So it's a bridge between the work of releasing something from our past, letting go of old stories, old wounds, old meanings, and creating something new.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: What I've come to understand is this: we can't actually create something new if we're still living inside the meaning that we gave the past.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because the meaning that you attach to something shapes the story you tell about it, the emotions you feel around it, the way your body responds moving forward.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: So often we think we're reacting to what's happening right now, but most of the time we're actually reacting to what we think is going to happen next, based on what already happened before.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: And that's how we get stuck.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Same story, same emotions, same patterns.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: So today I want to walk you through how we can begin to change that.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Not by forcing toxic positivity or by bypassing what is actually reality, but by becoming aware of the meaning we've been carrying and gently choosing something different.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: So that bridge that I mentioned between the deep work of releasing those old stories, old wounds, old meanings that kept you stuck, and stepping toward creating, this is why we need to talk about the meaning we attach to things.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because the meaning that we give something shapes the story we actually tell about it, the energy we carry around it, and ultimately the way we move through the world.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: So, in other words, what you attach meaning to shapes your energy, your emotions, and your expectations.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: So to create new outcomes in our lives, we have to rewrite those associations that we've carried.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: Let that land for a minute.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: To create new outcomes in our lives, we have to rewrite the associations that we've carried for so long.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: I want to share something that my coach and mentor, Kelly Brock, I've mentioned her many times, taught me because it's worth hearing multiple times.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: What you associate something with becomes your anticipation.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: And your anticipation sets your energetic baseline.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: The baseline is a signal you're sending out into the world.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: So you don't get what you consciously want, you get what your system is practiced in receiving.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: So often we think we're reacting to what's right in front of us, what I talked about when I first got on here.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: But most of the time, we're reacting to what we think is going to happen, which is usually a projection of what's already happened in the past.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: The old meaning leads to the old story, leads to the old emotions, and before we know it, we're living in a well-rehearsed past instead of a present filled with possibility.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: So, in other words, most of us think we're reacting to what's happening right now.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: The truth is we're often reacting to what we think will happen based upon our past.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Again, old meaning leads to old story, leads to old emotions, which leads to repeat experiences.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: So here's some real life examples from my own life.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: When I hit a breakdown moment in my life.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: So for so let me tell you about one that happened recently.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: I had a situation when I was in Austin for the Making of Me podcast event, which was amazing, where my friend and partner in the upcoming retreat on Mother to Revolution and Adoptee Healing was performing her show at the event.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: I had come to this event with a group of women, and one of them had a husband there too.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: He was great.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: And we were staying in the same Airbnb, all of us, and we sat together during the time that we were there.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: And so for this final part of the event, Dr.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Liz was performing Unmothered, her One Woman show.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I sat down where I'd been sitting the entire time.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody came.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I was in this row of seven seats all by myself.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: And the old stories started flooding my mind.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody wants to be with you.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody likes you.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: You are too much.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: All those old stories, I wonder what I have done to cause everybody to not want to be here with me.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like it all had to do with me.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I had to realize hold on a minute.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Stop self-abandoning.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I kept telling myself that I will not self-abandon.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: I will not self-abandon.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I wanted so desperately to get up and flee.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: And what I realized was, this truly isn't about me.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: I need to sit here and be present and know that my worth does not revolve around whether somebody is sitting next to me or not.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: What ended up happening is two of them had sat further up so they could see better, and they texted me halfway through telling me that.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: And then the other ones needed to get some tea because their stomachs were really bothering them or something.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, there was just some things going on.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: It had nothing to do with me.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: But the meaning I told myself from my old story is that I wasn't worth being around, that I was a pain in the butt, that I was too much, all those things.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: So that breakdown moment, I used to make it mean that something was wrong with me.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I noticed that that was happening in this moment, that I was the broken one, that that's what was keeping people from wanting to sit with me.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: What I did was change the association in the moment.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: That this breakdown doesn't have to mean that I am broken.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: It actually can mean that a breakthrough is coming, that I don't have to live in this place anymore, that I don't have to abandon myself anymore.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: So that's one.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: The second one for my own personal life is in relationships that I've had in the past, when someone I love pulled away, I used to make that mean that I was unlovable.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: Now I can see that sometimes they just need space.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: It has nothing to do with me at all.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: If they're pulling away, it doesn't mean that they're rejecting me or abandoning me.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: It just means they need their own space.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I can give it to them, realizing that it doesn't have to be about me.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: The last one that came to my mind when I was putting this together is when an adoption conversation becomes tense online, which happens.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: I used to make it mean that conflict was dangerous.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: My nervous system felt like I needed to flee.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: My heart rate would go up, I would start having a really difficult time breathing.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: I would have a hard time, I would get flooded.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: Now I see that this might mean that honesty for me and authenticity and transparency is trying to emerge.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: And that's okay.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: That it's okay for me to have a voice.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: So let me summarize these things here.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: Breakdowns for me used to mean that I was broken.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: I was the problem.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Something was wrong with me.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Now, breakdowns can mean breakthrough.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: Silence in relationships used to mean that I was unlovable.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: Now it means that maybe the person just needs space and it's not even about me.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: Conflict used to mean that I am unsafe and I need to run.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Now conflict can bring more honesty and more healing if I'm willing to lean in.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: I can change the meaning.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: I can change the association.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: So here's a practice that I'd like to bring to everybody.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: So follow along with me.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to take this slow, but this is something that you can use in your day-to-day when you notice those old stories, the old meanings, the old emotions surfacing.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: And you can actually begin to pause and change the meaning yourself.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: So here are the steps that I want to invite you to try when you notice that surfacing.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: The first one is pause and ask yourself, what am I making this mean?
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe even write it down or voice memo yourself.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: Just like I explained to you above in that instance at the Making of Me podcast event, what I was making it mean was that something was wrong with me, that I was the one that was keeping people from wanting to be there.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: It had nothing to do with me.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: So then number two is check it.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: Is it 100% true?
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: Or is it just an old association talking?
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: And in this situation, it definitely was.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: Then number three is release it.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Who would I be without this story running the show?
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Who would I be?
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: Freer, more willing to reach out for connection.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: One of the things that I did in order to release it was I did reach out.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: I texted the group and I said, hey, where are y'all?
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sitting here and nobody's here.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: And then I got responses and realized that that in and of itself helped reduce the shame that I was experiencing.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because as you remember, in the past podcast episodes that I've talked about, shame, when you bring that out into the open, out of isolation, it cannot thrive.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: It is seen and known and heard.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: And so when that happens, shame loses its power.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I was able to release it because I realized that I could be a much freer human if I released that story.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: Number four is reframe it.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: What's a more neutral or even empowering meaning that I can give this?
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: The biggest thing that helped me in that moment at the event was I will not self-abandon.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna stay with myself here.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's really interesting as I'm talking about this right now.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: My whole torso is shaking.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: So this is nerve-wracking for me to share because it was it's very personal.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: It was a very activating situation for me.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: So sharing it feels really vulnerable.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: But I was able to reframe it and not attach that meaning and feel more empowered after that.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: So here are some statements that I came up with with relation to the previous situations that I brought up that my body can believe.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: So a new meaning, a new story that I can tell it so that I can actually shift the meaning and anchor it.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: I am someone who trusts that discomfort often means growth.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: I can change that meaning.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_00: That discomfort that I was feeling at the event did not have to mean that I was broken or that something was wrong with me.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: It meant that it could lead me into a whole new breakthrough of realizing that I can be with myself in that discomfort.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: The next one is I am someone who believes that a person needing space does not mean rejection.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it means protection.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: Protection for my own space, protection for their space, being able to understand that I don't have to frame everything in that rejection bubble.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: That people needing space is okay.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: The third one, I am someone who can stay grounded even when others are upset.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: You shift the meaning and you teach your body that it is safe.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because the truth is, and I've said this multiple times, and I'm sure you've heard this many times, that we will feel more comfortable with a familiar hell than an unfamiliar heaven.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's our nervous system.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's trying to keep us safe.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: So the more we get comfortable in our bodies with that new feeling, that new experience, and allow our bodies to settle, the nervous system to settle with this new meaning, the more we will be able to become present in these situations.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: So it gives your nervous system a new directive, a new baseline.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: And this is how we can rewire our body's baseline and shift our emotional associations.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so I'd like to invite you into a bit of a somatic practice.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: So if it feels comfortable for you, if you're driving, do this with caution.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: Uh maybe don't do it at all.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: Just listen and do it later.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: But if you're sitting or laying down, whatever you feel comfortable to do with this, I'd like to invite you to place a hand over your heart and take a deep breath into your nose.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_01: And exhale slowly.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: And just notice how with your breath your body shifts and may begin to relax even just one percent.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_01: Breath in together.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_01: Inside out.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: And let's move through those stages and steps that I was talking to you about earlier with this process.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: So with this practice, we're changing the meaning.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: So whatever the old story is, I'd like you to bring up a situation maybe similar to those that I was talking about earlier, that remind you of that old story of something is wrong with me or I'm too much, or whatever it is that came up for you.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: And the practice is this with your hand laying over your heart.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I would even invite potentially to lay your hand over your stomach.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: This is the center where identity lives.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: So it allows us to be attuning to the center of love, which is the heart and grief, and the center of identity, which is right over our stomach, our belly button.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I'd like you to repeat whatever the old story is.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: So I'll say mine, you say yours, but mine is I release the old story that something is wrong with me or that I am broken.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_01: And I receive the new meaning.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: That I am someone who trusts that discomfort can bring growth.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: And notice how your body shifts with this new association and the old one.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: I release the old story that I am broken.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: My heart is beating really fast when I say that.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I receive the new meaning that I am someone who trusts that discomfort often means growth.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: My heart begins to slow.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: My breath becomes much more deep.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: My shoulders seem to fall a little.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: Just notice the difference in your body and let the new meaning settle in.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: In your breath, in your posture, in your energy.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_00: And this is a practice that you can do at any time.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: Hand on heart, hand over belly, deep breath in, slow exhale.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: I release the old story of whatever that is.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: I receive the new meaning of whatever that is.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: And notice the difference because the minute we begin to integrate our body into the new meaning, our nervous system begins to realize that it's okay and that it's safe to have this new meaning and to not hold on to the old one because it's been trying to protect us for so long.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: So as you move into creating the new life that you want to live, notice when those old meanings come up because they will surface, y'all.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: But pause in those moments and choose again to release the old and create a new meaning.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: This is the bridge between releasing the old story and creating the life you actually want.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's where surrender, surrendering, releasing the old story meets choice and where healing meets possibility.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_00: So as you sit with everything that we talked about today, I don't want this to feel like something you have to go out and do perfectly.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about perfection.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: This is awareness work.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: This is noticing work.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: This is catching yourself in the moment and asking, what am I making this mean?
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because that question alone can begin to interrupt the patterns that have been running behind the scenes in our subconscious for years.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: And from there, you get to choose again, not in a forced way, but in a more settled way.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: Not in a I have to get this right way, but in a way that creates just a little more space, just one or two or three percent more settling in your body, a little more possibility, a little more freedom, because it really is the bridge.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Between releasing what's within and creating what's possible.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: And the more you practice this, the more your body begins to trust something new.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: Not because you told it to, but because you showed it how.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_00: So as you move through your day, just notice where are these old meanings showing up?
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: And where might you be able to choose something different?
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for being with me today, y'all.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: I am so glad that you're here.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: I hope this really served you and offered you some support in your week this week.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_00: I, as always, welcome any type of comments in my DMs if there's anything that resonated with you, or even if you feel comfortable and would like to share this with somebody that you know it would support and help, please do so.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_00: Leave a five-star review, maybe even write a review if you can, so that more can see and listen to this podcast.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: But more than anything, I hope to continue illuminating the things that will help adopted people and those who love them.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: And again, one final thing, don't forget the retreat that's coming up in May in Moscow, Idaho.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: And as always, I will put the link in the show notes.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of what I have been showing you guys in the different embodied practices that we're doing is gonna be even more integrated and amazing at this retreat.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_00: So look forward to spending more time with you next week, and I hope you'll have a wonderful Thursday.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: Peace.