Latest / The Daily Sarcast / August 20th, 2026: A Bear That Stole KFC, The Navy's Big Redesign And Jereme's Life Update

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August 20th, 2026: A Bear That Stole KFC, The Navy's Big Redesign And Jereme's Life Update · The Daily Sarcast

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  This episode is brought to you by Life Goes On.
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  You have survived 100% of your hardest days so far,
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  holding an undefeated record against every challenge, doubt, and heavy moment
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  that has tried to break you. The only time life
• 0:16
  doesn't go on is when you die, and you aren't dead yet.
• 0:23
  One of my buddies was like, can we rent this thing? I was like,
• 0:27
  Well, what if we just ask about prom?
• 0:31
  Brecklin Andrews of Topeka, Kansas wanted to take the Oscar
• 0:35
  Mayer Wienermobile to Seaman High School's junior prom.
• 0:40
  Insert theme song here. This is the Daily Sarcast. I give you
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  the news and maybe a laugh. I'm Jeremy Castile, and today
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  is Thursday, August 20th, 2026.
• 0:51
  Hello, family and friends. And hello, Lindsay.
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  As stated before, I'm Jeremy Castile. I'm friends with Lindsay.
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  We met one another at Second City, and I've done improv and stand-up
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  with her. I've been an avid listener of The Daily Sarcast
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  since January 2026. So when Lindsay asked for help,
• 1:09
  I said yes. There's no way I was not going to help.
• 1:13
  In real news, the Navy considers major
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  aircraft carrier redesign to better fit Trump's aesthetics.
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  The U.S. Navy's Ford-class carriers cost about $22 billion
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  per ship, and Trump wants the island, or the command center,
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  moved to the middle of the starboard side of the ship. Moving the island
• 1:33
  would impede aircraft from launching. This would be like
• 1:37
  putting a steering wheel in the back seat of a car. Maybe some decisions should
• 1:41
  be left to the architects and engineers. Welcome to MAGA
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  Hail's Navy. A 54-year-old woman
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  in Orewa, New Zealand collapsed from a cardiac
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  arrest outside of a supermarket. She was revived
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  by a bystander and paramedics and then received an $80 parking
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  ticket for her car overstaying its limit while she
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  was clinically dead. That's the game of life, I suppose.
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  A bear broke into a Kentucky woman's home and stole
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  her leftover KFC. If you're eating KFC
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  in Kentucky, isn't it just fried chicken?
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  Naturally, the bear was humanely released behind
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  Popeyes. Jeremy's life update: would-be
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  thieves thwarted at my house. I was, uh, up about
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  4 AM. I was watching TV, trying to get over bronchitis, so I haven't
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  been sleeping much. And I got an alert on my phone that someone was behind
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  my house with a flashlight. So of
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  course I put on some clothes, grab a shotgun—
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  has a tactical light on it— and I go outside
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  to see what's going on, make sure no one's breaking into my garage.
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  Go in the garage, no one's in there. I see
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  some people at a duplex, about 4 or 5 people behind my house.
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  All have flashlights. Some guy comes walking up
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  with a wheelbarrow, so I ask him, can I help you? He's like,
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  oh, I saw a guy steal this and I'm just bringing it back.
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  It's like, you're bringing it back at 4 AM?
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  At this point, the guy just set the wheelbarrow down and walked away,
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  and, uh, the people at the duplex are like,
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  hey man, get out of that man's yard.
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  So he comes walking back towards me, and he's like, hey, man, can I just
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  cut down your driveway? I told him, hey, man, carry your ass.
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  This is a good way to get your head blown off at 4:00 AM.
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  I waited for the police to show up. Of course, I had called them.
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  You know, you've got people in the back doing things at 4:00 AM
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  they shouldn't be doing. And we find a flatbed
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  cart from Lowe's also in my backyard. So I don't
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  know what these people were trying to steal, but my garage
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  has been royally messed up since Hurricanes
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  Laura and Delta, and don't really have anything in there worth
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  stealing anyway. And, uh, ever since this incident,
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  I haven't really had people in my backyard at 4 in the morning.
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  All right, 5 things you should check if you own a vehicle.
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  Check your fluids. This means oil, coolant,
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  transmission fluid, and your windshield wiper fluid. Make sure
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  it's topped off. Check your battery with a multimeter.
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  It's electrifying. Check your tire pressure.
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  4 blowouts in 1 day is expensive.
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  Ask me how I know. Check that spare too.
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  Check your lights. The reason why people might not see your turn signals is
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  because you don't have them. Check your mirrors.
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  Objects in mirror are closer than they appear. Or don't.
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  Leave what's behind you in the past. Cooking tip of the
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  day: put tomato soup in a thermos. No one
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  will know you're drinking soup all day. And if you don't finish it,
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  you have a ready-to-go mix for a Bloody Mary.
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  Feedback, comments, questions, a nice Jewish boy looking for
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  a date? Email lindsay@thedailysarcast.com.
• 5:20
  That's Lindsay with an E. Thanks for listening to my episode of
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  the Daily Sarcast Summer Residency. I'm Jeremy Castile.
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  Find me @JCPaulding on TikTok.
• 5:30
  Tune in tomorrow for another very special episode of the
• 5:34
  Daily Sarcast Summer Residency.