Latest / Bomb Life / Mindset Shifts to Transform Your Relationship with Lee Baucom, PhD |307

Transcript

Mindset Shifts to Transform Your Relationship with Lee Baucom, PhD |307 · Bomb Life

0:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Now we've got to turn our attention to this and you can fill in the blank with what you did kids career dealing with aging parents or with hobbies or travel or whatever it is.
0:12
[SPEAKER_01]: And so you hit the pause button, thinking you can pause the relationship and you will one day come back to it.
0:18
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's the lie.
0:20
[SPEAKER_00]: No, it's such a lie.
0:35
[SPEAKER_04]: Welcome to the Bond Life Podcast where fitness, vines, and real talk collide.
0:40
[SPEAKER_04]: This is it just about workouts.
0:41
[SPEAKER_04]: It's about transforming your body, mind, and life.
0:44
[SPEAKER_04]: Get ready for unfiltered conversations, expert advice, and the motivation you need to level up in every way.
1:03
[SPEAKER_04]: Hey everyone, welcome to the bomb life podcast.
1:07
[SPEAKER_04]: I am Melissa Vogel, you're host, welcome to the show.
1:10
[SPEAKER_04]: Oh, you're hitting a good topic today.
1:13
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm so excited to just keep talking about change.
1:17
[SPEAKER_04]: Keep pushing you guys to look at change and putting in effort and making connections in all areas of your life.
1:26
[SPEAKER_04]: That's the whole point of this show.
1:28
[SPEAKER_04]: And if you guys go back, at which I always invite you to do,
1:31
[SPEAKER_04]: listen to all of the episodes, really start to fill your cup and really see all the different areas that I'm talking about where change can happen, with your relationship, with your mindset, with your food, with your working out, with your attitude and your belief about yourself, all of it.
1:47
[SPEAKER_04]: So change is just like the big theme that I'm pushing here.
1:50
[SPEAKER_04]: And another theme too, we're doing this in my group right now, and our entire January is all about focusing on not just surviving, thriving, not surviving, because many of us in 2021 probably got really stuck into just pure survival mode, especially near the end there, a lot of people are just like, I just need to survive this year.
2:09
[SPEAKER_04]: I just need to get through it.
2:10
[SPEAKER_04]: I just survived that entire year and that is such like,
2:13
[SPEAKER_04]: It's only a short-term thing, right?
2:15
[SPEAKER_04]: If you are in survival mode long-term, it can be detrimental to your health.
2:20
[SPEAKER_04]: It can be very, very damaging.
2:22
[SPEAKER_04]: And in order to come out of that, things need to change.
2:25
[SPEAKER_04]: Again, all areas of life.
2:27
[SPEAKER_04]: And we can't just focus on one area and not another.
2:31
[SPEAKER_04]: We can't just focus on our relationship and not our health and wellness.
2:34
[SPEAKER_04]: And you can't just focus on your health and wellness and not your relationship.
2:37
[SPEAKER_04]: Or your food, right?
2:38
[SPEAKER_04]: You can't just go to the gym and keep eating like crap.
2:41
[SPEAKER_04]: and you can't just change your nutrition and not go to the gym and put on muscle.
2:46
[SPEAKER_04]: Everything has to work together.
2:48
[SPEAKER_04]: So that's why all the different topics on this show, they can range in very to so many different things because in the end, it all comes together and boils down to one thing and that's changed in effort.
2:59
[SPEAKER_04]: And today's episode, I'm kind of piggybacking off of an episode a couple episodes we had Ralph Bruran.
3:05
[SPEAKER_04]: We start talking about relationship in men's health and how men think
3:10
[SPEAKER_04]: I wanted to kind of piggyback off that with today's episode and diving into marriage to help prevent getting to that part and how can we create the change in our marriage because I know many all of you, I'm just going to say all of you are creating change with your health and fitness right now.
3:26
[SPEAKER_04]: So, statistically speaking, the majority of our listeners to this podcast are married.
3:32
[SPEAKER_04]: Most of you are married, which is crazy, because I'm not even married, but my listeners are married.
3:38
[SPEAKER_04]: And if you're not married and you're in a relationship, you're still gonna benefit from this.
3:41
[SPEAKER_04]: So, please, listen.
3:43
[SPEAKER_04]: And if you guys have newly married couples in your lives, like say you have grandkids that, or kids that have gotten married, you know, and they're on year two, or three, or whatever,
3:52
[SPEAKER_04]: have them listen to this episode.
3:53
[SPEAKER_04]: So they don't lose these connection pieces that we're talking about, but today we have Dr. Lee ball come on.
4:00
[SPEAKER_04]: And he is the world's first Thorey vologist.
4:02
[SPEAKER_04]: And we know this because he invented the term.
4:05
[SPEAKER_04]: And over the course of his career, Lee has helped individuals and couples thrive.
4:10
[SPEAKER_04]: And one particular focus has been helping people in struggling marriage and turn their relationship into a thriving
4:16
[SPEAKER_04]: loving relationship.
4:18
[SPEAKER_04]: He's the author of seven plus books.
4:20
[SPEAKER_04]: He's the host of two podcasts.
4:22
[SPEAKER_04]: His save the marriage podcast has been downloaded over five million times.
4:27
[SPEAKER_04]: He also has the thrivology podcast.
4:30
[SPEAKER_04]: He also recently released his unpause app to help people take their marriage off pause and find connection again.
4:37
[SPEAKER_04]: This is a really, really good episode at one point.
4:40
[SPEAKER_04]: You guys, I was speechless.
4:42
[SPEAKER_04]: You know me, I don't shut up and I literally was listening to Dr. Lee and I'm like jaw-dropping moment.
4:49
[SPEAKER_04]: I was like holy crap.
4:50
[SPEAKER_04]: I never looked at that part.
4:51
[SPEAKER_04]: He talks about how it's not a communication problem.
4:54
[SPEAKER_04]: It's a connection problem and he talks about the three different ways that we need to connect and how we connect and you know just the physical and emotional spiritual.
5:02
[SPEAKER_04]: And we hear that, like, oh, connect.
5:04
[SPEAKER_04]: Phenomenical spiritual emotional, but he goes into it.
5:06
[SPEAKER_04]: Oh, my God, you guys, it makes so much sense.
5:10
[SPEAKER_04]: I talk a lot about my marriage, not a bad way.
5:12
[SPEAKER_04]: Now we want to talk a lot about a bad way, but I do talk a lot about my marriage on this episode a little bit, because I can see where things went wrong now.
5:19
[SPEAKER_04]: and I'm five years plus, you know, out of that marriage, but I don't know, like what would happen if I would have had the tools that were providing with you today and, you know, Dr.
5:28
[SPEAKER_04]: I would have heard an episode like this, but these levels of connection are so important.
5:33
[SPEAKER_04]: It's not a communication problem.
5:34
[SPEAKER_04]: It's a connection problem.
5:35
[SPEAKER_04]: mind just blown.
5:37
[SPEAKER_04]: So this is a good one, you guys.
5:39
[SPEAKER_04]: I want you to take this in to help your relationship, pass it on, help other people with their relationship, learn how to stay connected.
5:47
[SPEAKER_04]: And remember, we talk about this near the end, but it's about putting in the effort not work.
5:52
[SPEAKER_04]: And when you look at something that way, it can change everything.
5:55
[SPEAKER_04]: It's not about you working harder, doing more work.
5:58
[SPEAKER_04]: It's not just putting an effort to things that matter.
6:00
[SPEAKER_04]: And your relationship and your marriage,
6:04
[SPEAKER_04]: matter.
6:05
[SPEAKER_04]: So we put all of the links in the show notes for you guys to connect with Dr. Lee.
6:10
[SPEAKER_04]: His website is savethemarriage.com slash podcast and that's where you can find his app.
6:15
[SPEAKER_04]: The unpause app to help your marriage if you do feel like it is paused and you push that pause button.
6:20
[SPEAKER_04]: So go to the show notes and then as always, if you're looking to do a discovery call, you want to get moving.
6:25
[SPEAKER_04]: If you're interested in working one on one,
6:27
[SPEAKER_04]: if you want to just do like a coaching call, you can also do that.
6:31
[SPEAKER_04]: That might be an option for you.
6:32
[SPEAKER_04]: Just like, no, you know, I need help like just organizing this and getting on track.
6:35
[SPEAKER_04]: That's all I need.
6:35
[SPEAKER_04]: That's an option for you.
6:37
[SPEAKER_04]: Or maybe you're a female, female's only sorry guys getting to the group, visit a mom.
6:41
[SPEAKER_04]: Maybe this is your year to actually get in there and join and work with my community on becoming healthier, stronger, thriving in your mindset yourself.
6:50
[SPEAKER_04]: Love your confidence.
6:51
[SPEAKER_04]: All of it.
6:51
[SPEAKER_04]: So go to the show notes.
6:52
[SPEAKER_04]: We always have
7:04
[SPEAKER_04]: Hey, everyone.
7:05
[SPEAKER_04]: Welcome to the Bob Live podcast.
7:07
[SPEAKER_04]: Today we have Dr. Lee, Balkham on, welcome to the show, Dr. Lee.
7:12
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you, Melissa.
7:12
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm so glad to be here.
7:13
[SPEAKER_04]: I am thrilled to have you.
7:15
[SPEAKER_04]: Now, we have been diving into relationships since the beginning of this podcast.
7:21
[SPEAKER_04]: I mean, we have talked about marriage and dating and divorce and trying to say that cheating affairs can you come back from that, like, we've covered a lot.
7:30
[SPEAKER_04]: And I think it's a topic because our listeners,
7:33
[SPEAKER_04]: It's just the age that we're all at, like we're either all married or their divorce or their dating, you know, and I just think it's a topic that we cannot get enough education on and to hear from experts like you.
7:46
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, I mean, relationships are such a part of life, especially how important they are and the primary relationship and adulthood is typically a committed relationship for people.
7:56
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, they have friends that are close, but that's the one it changes so much.
7:59
[SPEAKER_01]: So of course, it's going to be a topic.
8:01
[SPEAKER_01]: And I think part of the reason is because most of us don't have much education in what it takes to have a successful marriage before they get started.
8:09
[SPEAKER_01]: So you're doing kind of on the job training, which you make mistakes.
8:13
[SPEAKER_04]: I know.
8:13
[SPEAKER_04]: Oh, I had like all my training was on the job training and it didn't work well.
8:18
[SPEAKER_04]: My listeners know like I was married for 17 years and that marriage came apart kind of I think I've endorsed five years now.
8:26
[SPEAKER_04]: So everything that you're saying today that we talked about today, like what have been so useful back then?
8:31
[SPEAKER_04]: I don't know.
8:32
[SPEAKER_04]: I think that it ended the way it was supposed to, but had I had your knowledge and your books then?
8:39
[SPEAKER_04]: Man, Dr. Lee, I don't know.
8:40
[SPEAKER_04]: It's hard to say for
8:41
[SPEAKER_01]: you can't rewrite, you know, you move forward.
8:44
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
8:44
[SPEAKER_04]: And I know I was meant, I was exactly where I was supposed to be and I am right now and stuff, but I'll be asking you questions based on my experience in here too, because I don't want divorce for anyone.
8:55
[SPEAKER_04]: Like, I have said this before, like there's nothing like being married to the parent of your child or like being together in
9:05
[SPEAKER_04]: So when I saw your information, I was like, yes, get him on because if we can prevent this, and two people can live together and stick to their vows and heal, yeah, let's do that.
9:16
[SPEAKER_04]: I want to do that and help everyone else because I've been through it.
9:18
[SPEAKER_04]: I've been in the home back, and I don't want that for anyone.
9:21
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, for sure.
9:21
[SPEAKER_04]: So, how did you get into this?
9:23
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm really curious how relationships and what we call, you made up the term, a thriveologist?
9:32
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
9:32
[SPEAKER_04]: How did this become like what you do and what you focus on?
9:36
[SPEAKER_01]: So, you know, when I was a teenager, I wasn't in the popular crowd.
9:39
[SPEAKER_01]: I wasn't the popular guy, but I was the confident.
9:41
[SPEAKER_01]: So people would come to me to tell me their struggles, their difficult things.
9:45
[SPEAKER_01]: So somewhere along the way, I went, maybe that's my skill point.
9:49
[SPEAKER_01]: Maybe that's just my natural gift.
9:51
[SPEAKER_01]: And so in college, I decided that I would pursue work as a counselor as a therapist.
9:56
[SPEAKER_01]: And that meant I had to go to grad school.
9:57
[SPEAKER_01]: And in grad school, I got a lot of training and individual work.
10:01
[SPEAKER_01]: But I found myself drawn to working with
10:03
[SPEAKER_01]: couples and with family.
10:05
[SPEAKER_01]: So kind of a systems approach.
10:07
[SPEAKER_01]: And I wouldn't have told you at the time why that was, but I can tell you looking back.
10:10
[SPEAKER_01]: My parents are happily married.
10:12
[SPEAKER_01]: They're in the 80s.
10:12
[SPEAKER_01]: Happy married.
10:13
[SPEAKER_01]: My grandparents live their lives happily married until one of them died.
10:17
[SPEAKER_01]: But I had an uncle that I don't know five or six divorces.
10:23
[SPEAKER_01]: We're not sure because we're not sure if one was actually a marriage or not.
10:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, and so he changed the whole average for the rest of us.
10:28
[SPEAKER_01]: Another rest of family needs to get divorced because he's already set, you know, the standard of, and then I've got an aunt who, before she died, was married three times in another several times.
10:39
[SPEAKER_04]: Okay.
10:39
[SPEAKER_01]: And I watched the devastation.
10:41
[SPEAKER_01]: I have some cousins, I don't even know where they are.
10:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Now there are better ways of divorcing and it wasn't done well in these situations.
10:48
[SPEAKER_01]: And so the family's exploded out and I realized looking back that I watched my grandparents who were watching their kids in pain.
10:56
[SPEAKER_01]: And I watched my parents with siblings in pain and I watched my cousins in pain and my aunts in uncle in pain.
11:03
[SPEAKER_01]: And realized that's a tough place to be.
11:05
[SPEAKER_01]: Especially if you don't know how to be married, much less how to get divorced.
11:11
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, that's very true.
11:12
[SPEAKER_04]: So being able to see and witness all that, it changed your mind.
11:16
[SPEAKER_04]: It probably didn't change your mind.
11:17
[SPEAKER_04]: It developed the path of like, wow, how can I avoid that and help others to avoid that?
11:22
[SPEAKER_01]: So the rest of the story of that.
11:23
[SPEAKER_01]: So I go do this training ready to be marriage therapist and then I start really diving into what's helping couples.
11:30
[SPEAKER_01]: And the midst of train amps that are going, what does this not seem to be effective?
11:34
[SPEAKER_01]: So part of that was going, if I want to help couples, I've got to figure out ways that actually help couples.
11:40
[SPEAKER_01]: Most people think that therapy is the answer, and therapy success rates are pretty dismal.
11:46
[SPEAKER_01]: So...
11:46
[SPEAKER_04]: Okay, for couples and trying to save a marriage.
11:48
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay, so there's not as much recent research.
11:52
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm going back a little bit, but the more recent research is that about half the couples who go to marital therapy still divorce.
11:58
[SPEAKER_01]: That's not different than the general population.
12:01
[SPEAKER_04]: That's not good.
12:02
[SPEAKER_01]: And only 10 to 15 percent report that there hasn't been any significant change.
12:08
[SPEAKER_01]: So here's how I put it in context for people, because people immediately say, we've got a marriage problem, let's go get therapy.
12:13
[SPEAKER_01]: So.
12:13
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm not saying there aren't good therapist and there aren't couples who get help in therapy, but let's look at those statistics.
12:20
[SPEAKER_01]: If you go to a doctor and a doctor says, hey, you need this procedure.
12:24
[SPEAKER_01]: And then the doctor says, by the way, half the people who have this procedure die.
12:28
[SPEAKER_01]: And only 10 to 15 percent are going to improve.
12:31
[SPEAKER_01]: You're probably going to be a little resistant to having that particular procedure and and that's what we're talking about.
12:37
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, that's the statistics.
12:38
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, that's scary because no way would I ever jump into that 50% chance of death?
12:43
[SPEAKER_04]: No thanks.
12:43
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
12:44
[SPEAKER_01]: And you're going to live with 50 50 chance anyway.
12:46
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, that's the exact way.
12:47
[SPEAKER_01]: So there are some reasons for that.
12:48
[SPEAKER_01]: And again, let me just say I've met some really good therapist, the couples who have had success.
12:53
[SPEAKER_01]: And so many people say, well, that's not true for me.
12:56
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, okay, that's an anecdote, right?
12:58
[SPEAKER_01]: That worked for you.
12:59
[SPEAKER_01]: But statistically speaking, looking across a broad spectrum.
13:02
[SPEAKER_01]: And
13:02
[SPEAKER_01]: And there are a couple of reasons why.
13:03
[SPEAKER_01]: One is that therapists are trained, and then they can kind of choose what kind of therapy they want to do.
13:10
[SPEAKER_01]: And so a lot of therapists find themselves seeing couples and they go, oh, I'm a couple of therapists, but they don't have an orientation around that.
13:16
[SPEAKER_01]: So they have a theory problem and an orientation problem.
13:20
[SPEAKER_01]: They're working with two individuals as far as their training does.
13:24
[SPEAKER_01]: The second is that there is often a default setting on communication, and that's a false little process to go, oh, let's get better at communicating.
13:34
[SPEAKER_01]: That's not going to help the process, and we can, we can talk about why that is.
13:37
[SPEAKER_01]: Sure.
13:38
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
13:38
[SPEAKER_04]: Okay.
13:39
[SPEAKER_01]: The third thing is when you drag a spouse into therapy, you create a resistant spouse, not a spouse who wants to do more and say, there are a lot of times someone will say, you know, I see a problem.
13:48
[SPEAKER_01]: So I'm going to drag my spouse into therapy.
13:49
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's go to therapy in a spouse because I don't want to, but let's go to therapy.
13:52
[SPEAKER_01]: So you end up in therapy defending your position and wanting the therapist to do the work of bringing you over to this.
13:59
[SPEAKER_01]: And that leads to this other piece of therapy orientation, which is of the therapist is supposed to be neutral.
14:06
[SPEAKER_01]: And my belief, especially as a certain area like working on the marriage, you should be pro-success in that area.
14:12
[SPEAKER_01]: If I go to the doctor and arm is hanging this way and they look at and go, yeah, it's broken.
14:17
[SPEAKER_01]: You want to do something about that or you good with it.
14:20
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't want that.
14:21
[SPEAKER_01]: I want someone who goes, hey, we can get you back to where you need to be.
14:24
[SPEAKER_01]: Or if not, let's see what we need to do.
14:26
[SPEAKER_01]: So that leads to this final piece that often creates a problem.
14:30
[SPEAKER_01]: You drag your spouse in, the spouse is nothing can help our marriage and the therapist goes, well, nothing can help your marriage, so what do we do?
14:37
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's where I often see that the result is those statistics we talked about.
14:42
[SPEAKER_04]: Okay, so now that you have like seen all that and you're aware of all this and what did you decide to do?
14:49
[SPEAKER_04]: Like what makes you different?
14:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, so I spent a lot of time looking for what then does matter, and I'm not the only one out there doing that right there are others who go, okay, that's not working.
15:01
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's find a different approach.
15:02
[SPEAKER_01]: But I did do a lot of research and testing and following up with couples to see what was working.
15:08
[SPEAKER_01]: And one of the big shifts I made was this is not a communication problem with rare exception.
15:13
[SPEAKER_01]: So typically a couple would come in and say, we're not communicating well, so you need to teach us communication skills.
15:19
[SPEAKER_01]: And I would sit there and just plightly listen to them for, you know, 20, 30, 35 minutes and go, you know, it's interesting.
15:25
[SPEAKER_01]: I understood every word you've said.
15:27
[SPEAKER_01]: I've understood what you meant behind it.
15:28
[SPEAKER_01]: You got your message across.
15:30
[SPEAKER_01]: Right.
15:30
[SPEAKER_02]: You have a communication problem.
15:32
[SPEAKER_01]: The communication is not the problem.
15:34
[SPEAKER_01]: But what your communicating might be.
15:36
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I began to realize that the real route of the problem is connection or lack of connection.
15:43
[SPEAKER_04]: Ah, yeah.
15:44
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's where we get ourselves into trouble.
15:46
[SPEAKER_04]: Oh, okay, I need to find a way to make that the title of this podcast, the word connection.
15:51
[SPEAKER_04]: Cause, right when you said that, I'm like, oh, that is so true.
15:54
[SPEAKER_04]: And it took me back, honestly, like, to my previous marriage, like that connection.
15:59
[SPEAKER_04]: That was the biggest piece for us that was lost was like that connection part.
16:03
[SPEAKER_01]: How did it get lost?
16:04
[SPEAKER_04]: I think after kids building career kids.
16:08
[SPEAKER_01]: You're just naming what I consider to be the major calls of my rental problems.
16:13
[SPEAKER_01]: And that is the Paul's button.
16:14
[SPEAKER_04]: Hmm, yeah, you use that term the pause button a lot.
16:17
[SPEAKER_04]: I need to know more about the pause button because I think it was hit.
16:21
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, so the reason I use it is because it's so endemic.
16:25
[SPEAKER_01]: So let's just kind of track through and this is I'm going to be speaking broadly about what happens in relationships.
16:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
16:31
[SPEAKER_01]: It is the possibility that somebody finds themselves with a toxic person.
16:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Like there's something truly psychologically toxic.
16:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
16:40
[SPEAKER_01]: That's not what we're talking about.
16:41
[SPEAKER_01]: We're talking, I mean, I hate to make a common ordinary every day, run of the mill, but that we're talking about a typical what happens in a marriage.
16:48
[SPEAKER_01]: So you fall in love.
16:49
[SPEAKER_01]: And when you're falling in love, you put a lot of energy into this process.
16:55
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, you put your energy, your time, your thoughts, all of that into building this relationship.
16:59
[SPEAKER_01]: And at some point, you go, hey, let's make this permanent.
17:02
[SPEAKER_01]: And you go for a what 30, 45 minute, maybe 50 minute little
17:07
[SPEAKER_01]: service and you walk out going out now we're in this for life and not too much more training than that you go back to life and then life comes at you and you hit the pause button because you say okay we've got this now we've got to turn our attention to this and you can fill in the blank with what you did kids.
17:27
[SPEAKER_01]: career dealing with aging parents or with hobbies or travel or whatever it is.
17:33
[SPEAKER_01]: And so you hit the pause button thinking you can pause the relationship and you will one day come back to it.
17:40
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's the lie.
17:41
[SPEAKER_00]: No, it's such a lie.
17:44
[SPEAKER_01]: So when I think about that, you know, all the science fiction movies, you know, where they're on board and they're going to the distant planet and they go in their their pod, they go to sleep, they would suspended animation, they fly away 300 years later, they hit the button and they wake up and everything is right where they were and that doesn't happen in relationships.
18:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Relationships are either growing and expanding or they're shrinking and dying.
18:06
[SPEAKER_01]: That's the only two options.
18:08
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, one or the other.
18:09
[SPEAKER_04]: when he were staying like movie in the pod.
18:11
[SPEAKER_04]: It just, I'm sorry, I had to add this and it reminds me of like all the romcoms out there that like you watch this turmoil of them trying to like figure out how to get together and you know, and then destiny and finally, you know, oh, you know, everything they went through there together.
18:25
[SPEAKER_04]: And then they get married or like whatever, and then happily ever after.
18:28
[SPEAKER_02]: And then they start.
18:30
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, they stopped and then we think like, oh, happily ever after we don't see the after part.
18:34
[SPEAKER_04]: And I think that messes with our head so much too, you know, yeah, I had that because it drives me nuts in my girls watch that.
18:40
[SPEAKER_04]: I have young girls and they watch that and I'm like, you guys know that's not reality, right?
18:45
[SPEAKER_04]: like everyone's power.
18:46
[SPEAKER_04]: Come on, we need to talk about this now.
18:48
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I mean, it's what we want in reality, that once you do that, once you get that connection, it's there.
18:54
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I don't know anybody that I talk to, who doesn't know the statistics on marital success.
19:00
[SPEAKER_01]: It's just so common in our culture.
19:03
[SPEAKER_01]: And yet, people sign up for it every day.
19:05
[SPEAKER_01]: They have this optimism that they have beat it.
19:08
[SPEAKER_01]: And so when a prior position there were seven places where you could get married different houses of worship that you could get married and if you were in any of those seven you came to my office for three sessions had to mandatory.
19:20
[SPEAKER_01]: And so I got to hear a lot of stories from people about what they thought was going to happen and what had happened to them.
19:28
[SPEAKER_01]: And without exception, all of them felt like they had already beat the statistics because they actually had love.
19:37
[SPEAKER_01]: They knew people who had divorced, but they were wrong.
19:40
[SPEAKER_01]: They have the love that will carry them through.
19:42
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, that's not the love right now that's going to carry you through.
19:45
[SPEAKER_01]: There's some other pieces.
19:47
[SPEAKER_01]: And some of those couples hit the pause button and came back and said, you're right.
19:51
[SPEAKER_01]: Now we're struggling.
19:53
[SPEAKER_01]: So that's
19:53
[SPEAKER_04]: How long did you feel for you to see, like, can you remember?
19:56
[SPEAKER_01]: So, yeah, unfortunately, I was tracking things pretty carefully then.
20:00
[SPEAKER_01]: And so, it was about three years.
20:01
[SPEAKER_01]: And then that's early warning.
20:02
[SPEAKER_01]: And so, what I believed my role was in those premarital counseling sessions when they had already convinced themselves that they had it done, they were not, I don't mean to listen to this guy.
20:13
[SPEAKER_01]: I just have to do this to get through.
20:14
[SPEAKER_01]: And so, I would say, okay, when you have a problem,
20:17
[SPEAKER_01]: Let's do a 10,000 mile checkup.
20:19
[SPEAKER_01]: Come back in, let's talk if you're finding yourself and I would give them some symptoms.
20:24
[SPEAKER_01]: If this happens, if you find yourself going, what am I doing here, if you find yourself distracted, if you find yourself no longer having those deeper conversations, you need to pause and ask, are we okay?
20:36
[SPEAKER_01]: Is are we at the beginning of some problems?
20:38
[SPEAKER_01]: So they would come in earlier than general, but still they were struggling at even at that point.
20:44
[SPEAKER_01]: At three years, a lot of couples have started a family, really gotten into their careers, begun to do some bigger things, and that's where that Paul's button gets hit.
20:55
[SPEAKER_01]: So three years, it would be, I would love if everybody who had Emerald Issue came to see me three years of that rather than 15 years, or
21:05
[SPEAKER_01]: 18 years or 20 years or now.
21:07
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, that's the people who are the great of horse, you know, they get late in life going way, you're retiring.
21:13
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm out here.
21:14
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah, that's very true.
21:15
[SPEAKER_04]: You know, and a big thing for me, I noticed, like, is now I can look back on it and I can see things, you know, and I can identify things.
21:22
[SPEAKER_04]: Which is great because that I can help others, but it was like when the kids were really started to leave that baby, young age where they needed me like all the time and they were kind of more like school, sports, some still mom and busy, but like it wasn't that toddler little face and now everyone was in school.
21:39
[SPEAKER_04]: And I started to realize how much of my love and attention went to them and came from them, too.
21:46
[SPEAKER_04]: And I wasn't getting in my marriage.
21:48
[SPEAKER_04]: And I was like, that's when I had this big awakening.
21:52
[SPEAKER_04]: And it was like, we're in trouble.
21:53
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm in trouble.
21:54
[SPEAKER_04]: Like, I was so preoccupied with the kids.
21:57
[SPEAKER_04]: I didn't even realize that this massive pause button was on my marriage.
22:01
[SPEAKER_04]: I mean, I think I did, but I didn't, cause, you know, kids got a,
22:04
[SPEAKER_01]: And so you just pointed to one of the underlying pieces.
22:08
[SPEAKER_01]: You were getting something from them and what that was was connection.
22:14
[SPEAKER_01]: The feeling of being connected to a human and humans are deeply wired for that need for connection.
22:20
[SPEAKER_01]: They've done studies that the
22:21
[SPEAKER_01]: overarching longevity, strategy is having a close relationship or having close relationships, being in connection with other people.
22:30
[SPEAKER_01]: When they do, sure, it helps to be in shape and eat well and all those things, but having intimate connections with people is what sustains us and keeps us healthy.
22:38
[SPEAKER_01]: And so we're going to find it.
22:40
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's the question as do we keep that in the marriage or are we finding it through kids or being invested in jobs and co-workers or in colleagues at the gym or in affairs or where are we going to find?
22:56
[SPEAKER_01]: We're going to find connection and the problem is it happens at such a subconscious level that you find yourself pulled into where connection is going to happen.
23:05
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm like a speechless, and I'm never speechless, like seriously, I never really thought it that way before.
23:14
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, so let me drill down a little bit and see if this connects in pieces too.
23:17
[SPEAKER_01]: I think there are three levels, there are these three levels of connections that humans need and look for.
23:25
[SPEAKER_01]: And marriage is designed well for this, but if it's not there, you're going to find it, right?
23:31
[SPEAKER_01]: So physical, emotional, and spiritual.
23:33
[SPEAKER_01]: Physical connection is loving touch.
23:36
[SPEAKER_01]: So when I say that and people are talking to my parents, like, oh, you're talking about sex.
23:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, yes and no, yes, that is part of that.
23:42
[SPEAKER_01]: But it also is hugs and holding hands and kisses and backrobes and patting each other, just being physically connected.
23:50
[SPEAKER_01]: We do a lot of that with kids, you know, hugging kids and them hugging us.
23:54
[SPEAKER_01]: So we're getting that physical connection.
23:56
[SPEAKER_01]: That is something that we share with most warm blooded creatures that need for connection.
24:02
[SPEAKER_01]: So that's non-verbal, you know, it's impossible to just verbally physically connect with someone.
24:07
[SPEAKER_01]: There's a physical connection that's here, right?
24:09
[SPEAKER_01]: And so that is a deep need that is wired into us.
24:13
[SPEAKER_01]: We know what happened.
24:14
[SPEAKER_01]: There are some pretty ugly psychological experiments.
24:16
[SPEAKER_01]: They did of seeing what happens when you don't allow monkeys to be held by their mother or anything.
24:21
[SPEAKER_01]: That's a ugly point, and yeah, that thing would cuddle up to warmth rather than food and starve itself to death when they try to with baby monkeys.
24:29
[SPEAKER_01]: And because we just need that nurture, right?
24:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, that doesn't change.
24:33
[SPEAKER_01]: It changes and how it happens, but it doesn't change in the need of that happening as an adult.
24:38
[SPEAKER_01]: So that part of us continues on and sure there are other places I did jujitsu for a number of years before we moved.
24:45
[SPEAKER_01]: And you talk about a place where you're a
24:48
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, that was one of my theories is, hey, off of some of that was that you were getting some of that connection because people like, oh, but you're fighting and I'm like, no, because all I did was tap tap and they're like, oh, let's start again.
24:58
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, it was fighting, but it wasn't fighting.
25:01
[SPEAKER_01]: And so there's a lot of physical contact that I think there is a piece of that and I watch how when people are coming to the gym over and over that there is a deeper level to what they're getting out of that.
25:11
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
25:13
[SPEAKER_04]: Oh yeah, that's feeding it big time and the community and like oh good job or like oh wow Thank you for help like that such connection.
25:20
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
25:20
[SPEAKER_01]: It's not every day you can just wrap your legs and arms around some way to hold them down and everybody go good for you.
25:25
[SPEAKER_01]: Right?
25:26
[SPEAKER_04]: Ooh, good point.
25:29
[SPEAKER_04]: Hey, Bondlife fam, I have a question for you.
25:31
[SPEAKER_04]: Are you the kind of person who crushes it at work?
25:33
[SPEAKER_04]: Shows up for your family, checks out every to-do list.
25:36
[SPEAKER_04]: But when it comes to your fitness, your energy and your confidence, it feels like something's missing.
25:40
[SPEAKER_04]: You might be doing the workouts listening to all the right podcasts.
25:43
[SPEAKER_04]: I mean, you are listening to this one.
25:44
[SPEAKER_04]: But deep down, you know you're just kind of going through the motions, and you're done playing small in this area of life.
25:49
[SPEAKER_04]: That's exactly why I created FitMine Coaching, my private one-on-one program for high-achieving women and men who are ready to level up.
25:57
[SPEAKER_04]: This isn't just another fitness plan, this is about building the body and the mindset to match the life you're working so damn hard for.
26:03
[SPEAKER_04]: Because success in business means nothing if you're hiding in hoodies, avoiding mirrors, or dragging through your day with your energy, or showing up on Zoom meetings, feeling good from the chest up, but praying no one ever sees what's going on below the screen.
26:16
[SPEAKER_04]: We're talking about fat loss, muscle building, and real confidence that bleeds into every area of your life.
26:21
[SPEAKER_04]: Your boredom, your bedroom, and your parenting.
26:23
[SPEAKER_04]: You want it all?
26:24
[SPEAKER_04]: Good.
26:25
[SPEAKER_04]: You should have it all.
26:26
[SPEAKER_04]: Let's go.
26:27
[SPEAKER_04]: Click the link in the show notes and book your free call with me today.
26:33
[SPEAKER_04]: You're ready for more, and I'm ready to show you how back to the show.
26:37
[SPEAKER_04]: Okay, quick question about the physical part while you're talking.
26:39
[SPEAKER_04]: Do some people have more of a need, like, you know, the whole love language thing, and like, mine is physical touch, or some people just wired for a more strong need for that part of the connection?
26:49
[SPEAKER_01]: I think there are some that reassured, so I'm a touch person, which maybe explains why you just who was my choice.
26:56
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm a touch person.
26:58
[SPEAKER_01]: So yes, I do have, but it's not that other people might not want to touch as much as it doesn't mean the same.
27:05
[SPEAKER_01]: So if I need reassurance of someone being there, then patting me on the back is more important than handing me a gift or doing something for me.
27:12
[SPEAKER_01]: But the other person still needs that physical.
27:14
[SPEAKER_01]: Now, there are clearly some differences with like a neurodivergent population that may have a harder time.
27:20
[SPEAKER_01]: They're overwhelmed with the connection.
27:22
[SPEAKER_01]: But that doesn't mean they don't need it.
27:23
[SPEAKER_01]: It's just a harder to process.
27:25
[SPEAKER_01]: So we're pretty sure that that is just built into the human psyche that when that happens, there is a release of hormones
27:34
[SPEAKER_01]: moment.
27:34
[SPEAKER_01]: So it is built into us.
27:36
[SPEAKER_01]: It's wired and does.
27:37
[SPEAKER_04]: I want to hear the other two for sure, but I think physical is so important.
27:40
[SPEAKER_04]: And as you're talking, it just reminds me so much of like how many relationships are lacking this?
27:46
[SPEAKER_04]: And I know like because I worked very intimate and very like deep with my clients and even though we're talking about health and fitness and lifting and putting out muscle and losing fat.
27:54
[SPEAKER_04]: Like we said in the beginning of this podcast, relationships are so important and they're directly related to people's health and fitness journey so we dive into their sex life and their connection like what's going on and I can't tell you Dr. Lee how many people like young like in their 40s not having sex anymore and my one thing is like what makes you different than a roommate.
28:14
[SPEAKER_04]: you know, and they are missing that whole connection piece with their significant other.
28:19
[SPEAKER_04]: I just want you to say, out loud, so the people in the back can hear how important it is to have this part in a marriage.
28:26
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I mean, so sex is obviously a layer that theoretically is in a marriage if you submit it to that.
28:32
[SPEAKER_01]: But the depth of that, I mean, there is no way to be closer to someone.
28:36
[SPEAKER_01]: in that way, which is also why it feels so risky for a lot of people who are not in a connected relationship.
28:42
[SPEAKER_01]: But that need for connection goes all the way back to being an infant and being held because you needed the safety and then you just grow into different versions of that where it's more a partnership rather than like a parental piece.
28:55
[SPEAKER_01]: This doesn't go away.
28:56
[SPEAKER_01]: It's just so deeply wired into us.
28:57
[SPEAKER_01]: That is probably the most in our evolutionary pool, deeply placed of
29:05
[SPEAKER_04]: I worry about the people because I've been there.
29:08
[SPEAKER_04]: I was that person.
29:10
[SPEAKER_04]: I am a touch person too, shocker, jujitsu was my thing too.
29:13
[SPEAKER_04]: But I worry about the people that just aren't getting it and they don't have it.
29:17
[SPEAKER_04]: And I'm like, even if it's not sex of just like cuddling together.
29:21
[SPEAKER_04]: Like, where is that you together time?
29:23
[SPEAKER_04]: But that pause button is hit so hard right now.
29:26
[SPEAKER_04]: They're just missing it.
29:27
[SPEAKER_04]: So I'm glad that we're covering this and like really emphasizing the part of this connection piece.
29:32
[SPEAKER_04]: This is important.
29:33
[SPEAKER_04]: What are the other two?
29:34
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, so let's make it more painful, right?
29:39
[SPEAKER_01]: Right?
29:39
[SPEAKER_01]: So the next level is where we cross.
29:41
[SPEAKER_01]: It's more verbal, but it's not all verbal.
29:44
[SPEAKER_01]: And that is emotional connection.
29:45
[SPEAKER_01]: An emotional connection is feeling like somebody gets you.
29:49
[SPEAKER_01]: And it's also feeling like you're supporting each other.
29:52
[SPEAKER_01]: Like I get my wife.
29:53
[SPEAKER_01]: She gets me.
29:54
[SPEAKER_01]: There's a basic level of that where, you know, she laughs at my joke for whatever reason, you know, she finds that funny.
29:59
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, okay, she gets me.
30:00
[SPEAKER_01]: She gets my humor.
30:01
[SPEAKER_01]: and vice versa.
30:02
[SPEAKER_01]: And then there is that level of emotional connection when you've had a hard day or a struggle or a celebration where they can accept that and be there with you, right?
30:13
[SPEAKER_01]: They don't have to feel the pain, but to be there with you in that moment.
30:16
[SPEAKER_01]: That's verbal, not entirely.
30:18
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, if I'd say my wife, man, I just had a really hard time, and she goes, oh, that it's verbal, barely, but it's also this non-verbal, she's just looking at me, right?
30:28
[SPEAKER_01]: And so that crosses over where there are words.
30:31
[SPEAKER_01]: It's non-verbal.
30:32
[SPEAKER_01]: It's also verbal.
30:33
[SPEAKER_02]: Okay.
30:33
[SPEAKER_01]: And so those are pieces where I often see people that like MassBoss doesn't get me.
30:38
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, MassBoss doesn't get me.
30:39
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't feel supported.
30:41
[SPEAKER_01]: That's the emotional connection that's now been suspended.
30:43
[SPEAKER_01]: The third layer, most people miss that it's there and that's the spiritual connection.
30:48
[SPEAKER_01]: And as soon as I say that, people like, oh, you're talking about religion.
30:51
[SPEAKER_01]: No, but yes, because religion is about what's important to us what our values are and that is something that if somebody has a religious orientation sharing that and understanding each other not necessarily agreeing but understanding that is an important part of that, but this is about where
31:06
[SPEAKER_01]: your dreams, your hopes, your dreams, your fears, where all of that resides, your core values, all of that is in the spiritual connection where you share it.
31:15
[SPEAKER_01]: So back to those couples who came through my office before they got married, they told me this story of when they fell in love, that almost always included the story of,
31:24
[SPEAKER_01]: having this conversation that started some evening and stretched into the week early morning hours where they talked about their life, you know, where they wanted to go in life, what their family was like, what values they hold.
31:38
[SPEAKER_01]: And I heard it so often, I was like, man, I remember that.
31:41
[SPEAKER_01]: I remember that conversation.
31:42
[SPEAKER_01]: We started talking about, I don't know, at 10 o'clock at nine after it.
31:45
[SPEAKER_01]: having ice cream and we finished about three or four in the morning just having this deep conversation where I went we're on this trajectory the matches and we understand common value base and our families had a lot of the same things so we were able to see something that we don't share.
32:01
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean I didn't have that conversation with other people that was
32:04
[SPEAKER_01]: a conversation, that link that was only with this person I fell in love with.
32:09
[SPEAKER_01]: And I realized that was so common.
32:11
[SPEAKER_01]: And yet people stop having those conversations as if all of that stuff is done.
32:17
[SPEAKER_01]: And they don't notice the fact that our values, our beliefs, they evolve over time.
32:22
[SPEAKER_01]: They may not go away, but they certainly evolve and change.
32:25
[SPEAKER_01]: And if we don't stay connected
32:32
[SPEAKER_01]: What exists for all of us, right?
32:34
[SPEAKER_01]: And that is a fully verbal piece.
32:36
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, so we've gone from nonverbal to nonverbal and verbal to verbal, right?
32:41
[SPEAKER_01]: You can't express that stuff without saying it.
32:44
[SPEAKER_01]: So that's the three levels that all get paused.
32:48
[SPEAKER_01]: One level is often paused so far back that they didn't even think that that conversation was a separate level of connection.
32:54
[SPEAKER_04]: mm-hmm.
32:55
[SPEAKER_04]: What if couples are really good on to the levels but not the third?
32:59
[SPEAKER_04]: You know what if I can picture people right now That would say like oh my god.
33:03
[SPEAKER_04]: No, we have deep conversation all the time.
33:05
[SPEAKER_04]: We talk all the time He totally gets me like, you know, we have that emotional there and I feel like the spiritual and our core values are lining up We're still we you know what but they're missing the physical or you know another one What do you do with that or like is that equally as scary and detrimental to the marriage and relationship?
33:22
[SPEAKER_01]: Well, so there are plenty of relationships where one or two or even three are missing and sometimes, I mean, if both people are like, you know what, we're good with getting each other and having the spiritual connections and we don't have the physical and we're happy with that, I mean, that's a choice.
33:38
[SPEAKER_01]: But we're really talking about the fact that when one of those is missing in someone's going, this is actually painful.
33:44
[SPEAKER_01]: That I don't have that physical connection or I don't have that emotional connection or I didn't even know how to start to have the spiritual connection.
33:49
[SPEAKER_01]: This is painful.
33:50
[SPEAKER_01]: That pain registers first as the disconnection.
33:54
[SPEAKER_01]: But that pain is hurt and hurt often comes out as anger.
33:59
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's where we have this disconnection, the danger of the disconnection is that we then begin to resent the other person.
34:06
[SPEAKER_01]: We begin to disregard the other person.
34:09
[SPEAKER_04]: That's what I was going to say that our word does resentment then follow in.
34:13
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, so I hear a lot of people are like, I don't know why I'm so angry with my spouse.
34:17
[SPEAKER_01]: And so anger is a secondary emotion.
34:20
[SPEAKER_03]: Yes.
34:20
[SPEAKER_01]: A primary emotion is secondary and a secondary to hurt, fear or threat.
34:24
[SPEAKER_01]: That's when we get angry, hurt, fear or threat.
34:27
[SPEAKER_01]: If you don't address the anger, it kind of poisons the system and becomes resentment.
34:32
[SPEAKER_03]: Right.
34:32
[SPEAKER_01]: So from me, when I'm angry, and I am doing well, you know, I'm resting everything else.
34:40
[SPEAKER_01]: I go, okay, what's feeling threatened?
34:41
[SPEAKER_01]: What's feeling hurt?
34:42
[SPEAKER_01]: What's the fear about?
34:44
[SPEAKER_01]: And that helps me to pull it back to what's going on inside of me, rather than what will I project?
34:49
[SPEAKER_01]: I've had plenty of people in my office trying to express their hurt.
34:53
[SPEAKER_01]: And their spouse is going, why are you always angry?
34:55
[SPEAKER_01]: They don't see the hurt.
34:57
[SPEAKER_01]: And what do we do when somebody's angry with us?
34:59
[SPEAKER_01]: We defend.
35:01
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
35:01
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
35:01
[SPEAKER_04]: We defend.
35:02
[SPEAKER_04]: We're angry.
35:03
[SPEAKER_04]: Yep.
35:03
[SPEAKER_04]: Right back at him.
35:04
[SPEAKER_04]: Oh my god.
35:05
[SPEAKER_04]: Okay.
35:06
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm sure we have people listening.
35:07
[SPEAKER_04]: I always try to like act as the listener.
35:09
[SPEAKER_04]: Sure people are listening to this and they're going, oh my god.
35:13
[SPEAKER_04]: This is it.
35:13
[SPEAKER_04]: I feel like they're talking about me and my marriage or my relationship right now.
35:17
[SPEAKER_04]: What do they do?
35:19
[SPEAKER_04]: I mean, like, I'm sure someone's listening going, what do I do with this now?
35:22
[SPEAKER_04]: Now that I know this we're missing this connection.
35:24
[SPEAKER_04]: What do we say to the listener right now?
35:31
[SPEAKER_01]: guys.
35:31
[SPEAKER_01]: Hold that mirror up.
35:33
[SPEAKER_01]: That's not fun.
35:34
[SPEAKER_01]: So this is the one where a lot of people go, well, there's nothing I can do because my spouse is an interested and there are a couple of reasons for that.
35:42
[SPEAKER_01]: One is when you realize like when you come out of suspended animation and you're like, oh crap, we're in trouble, right?
35:49
[SPEAKER_01]: One person often gets that earlier than the other.
35:52
[SPEAKER_01]: The other person is like, oh, we're fine.
35:54
[SPEAKER_01]: It's just a stage we're going through.
35:56
[SPEAKER_01]: We'll get back on track.
35:57
[SPEAKER_01]: And then there are times when the other person is like, I'm already checked out.
36:00
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, I'm finding my connection over here.
36:02
[SPEAKER_01]: So there are two levels of that.
36:05
[SPEAKER_01]: When the other one person goes, oh gosh, we need to work on this.
36:08
[SPEAKER_01]: So then I have people who kind of me and say, well, you know, what can I do?
36:10
[SPEAKER_01]: Because, you know, it takes two to tango.
36:12
[SPEAKER_01]: My response is it does take two to tango, but you're already dancing.
36:17
[SPEAKER_01]: But the dance is already going on.
36:19
[SPEAKER_01]: and every dance starts with one person asking and somebody can change the steps of a dance.
36:25
[SPEAKER_01]: So if you're disconnected, what are you trying to get back to?
36:30
[SPEAKER_01]: Connection.
36:31
[SPEAKER_01]: But you can't do it.
36:32
[SPEAKER_01]: So the other tendency people have.
36:34
[SPEAKER_01]: One is they go, there's nothing to be done.
36:36
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm hopeless.
36:37
[SPEAKER_01]: The other is they go, well, then I'm gonna chase my spouse down and make them connect.
36:43
[SPEAKER_01]: And when you are chasing, so I call the chaseers spacer, right?
36:46
[SPEAKER_01]: Whoever is chasing, the other person going, ah, I'm not sure about this and they take off running.
36:51
[SPEAKER_01]: So you have to figure out how to be a pacer, how to slow that process down and create invitations of connection.
36:57
[SPEAKER_01]: So sometimes it feels a lot smaller than you want it to be.
37:00
[SPEAKER_01]: This is when people often go, well, I'm going to make us have a date night.
37:03
[SPEAKER_01]: Or I'm going to go on a big romantic trip or we will.
37:07
[SPEAKER_01]: Or I'm going to buy this big present that they'll recognize how important they are.
37:11
[SPEAKER_01]: And the relationship doesn't have enough connection to hold that.
37:15
[SPEAKER_01]: So sometimes it's finding smaller places.
37:17
[SPEAKER_01]: It's usually starts with one going, you know, would you be interested in working on this?
37:21
[SPEAKER_01]: And if the other says, yes, let's work on it, that's great.
37:24
[SPEAKER_03]: Great.
37:25
[SPEAKER_01]: That's easy.
37:26
[SPEAKER_03]: What if the other doesn't?
37:28
[SPEAKER_01]: then you can still work on building the connection.
37:31
[SPEAKER_01]: So I talk about there are three Cs of this process.
37:34
[SPEAKER_01]: One is connecting to is changing, which changing is what your podcast has been about, how do people make changes in their life, right?
37:43
[SPEAKER_01]: So you're gonna be well acquainted with, what do I need to do to create better systems to be a better, who I need to be?
37:50
[SPEAKER_01]: And so when I say that people like, you think something's wrong with me.
37:54
[SPEAKER_01]: No, but I do know this.
37:55
[SPEAKER_01]: Most people get into adulthood having frozen into a place of development, having gotten to this place where the music they like, the food they like, the whatever they like is frozen in place, and then one day often go, it's not enough, and so they're trying to find different ways maybe.
38:11
[SPEAKER_01]: Get back into some other things.
38:13
[SPEAKER_01]: That's the change we're talking about becoming a better person.
38:16
[SPEAKER_01]: Last one is create It's creating a new path.
38:19
[SPEAKER_01]: So I have another little theory that marriages that are successful have created a sense of being a we like We are in this together.
38:28
[SPEAKER_01]: We're a team
38:29
[SPEAKER_01]: And if you're on a team, you're trying to bring your best self, that's the change part, into that.
38:35
[SPEAKER_01]: But you're also the way you play as a team is, but by being connected together and saying, we get each other, we're in this together, let's support each other, let's move forward.
38:43
[SPEAKER_01]: One person can start that, those 3C process.
38:46
[SPEAKER_01]: You can start connecting with a spouse, doing small things.
38:50
[SPEAKER_01]: And those small things tend to grow.
38:53
[SPEAKER_01]: Changing yourself, you always get to choose that path.
38:56
[SPEAKER_01]: creating a new path for yourself or in terms of the relationship is often an internal part.
39:02
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, do I think of us in money or about parenting and things like that?
39:07
[SPEAKER_01]: So those two are in your mental choices and the connection is making the small little gestures.
39:13
[SPEAKER_04]: I like that.
39:14
[SPEAKER_04]: And it's almost the way you describe it, it almost likes takes the pressure off of someone of like, I got to create the change.
39:21
[SPEAKER_04]: I got to be the one to lead us.
39:22
[SPEAKER_04]: I got to do this.
39:23
[SPEAKER_04]: Like, I think again, using my own experience of what I had in marriage that did not work out.
39:27
[SPEAKER_04]: I think if I would have had ways to look at it of like, we're just going to reconnect.
39:32
[SPEAKER_04]: You don't have to do the work, Melissa.
39:34
[SPEAKER_04]: And that's how I looked at it.
39:35
[SPEAKER_04]: I looked at it as like, I had to do the work.
39:36
[SPEAKER_04]: Like, that was a tough way to look at it, too.
39:38
[SPEAKER_04]: And
39:39
[SPEAKER_04]: When people would ask what happened or like and I mean like a therapy or something when I would open up one of the biggest things I always said is like I felt like I emotionally carried the relationship.
39:50
[SPEAKER_04]: We didn't talk or connect or do anything unless I started initiated it in that war on me and I felt like I carried the relationship.
39:59
[SPEAKER_04]: I don't know I just wonder if I would have been able to look at a different way and just would have connected on different levels of that would have taken us on a different path.
40:06
[SPEAKER_01]: Um, one of the things that often happens in a crisis is people get mono focused on that crisis.
40:12
[SPEAKER_01]: And then it does become overwhelming and it feels like it's work.
40:15
[SPEAKER_01]: I'd suggest that people instead of going, oh gosh, I got to do this work is to say effort.
40:20
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, effort.
40:20
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's true in anything.
40:22
[SPEAKER_01]: Yes.
40:22
[SPEAKER_01]: I could say, you know, and I've heard people say, you know, if this was meant to be, it wouldn't be so hard.
40:27
[SPEAKER_01]: It was meant to be.
40:27
[SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, okay, well, if it was meant to be, I'd have a bus up.
40:30
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, I wouldn't have to do anything for that.
40:31
[SPEAKER_01]: It'd just be there.
40:32
[SPEAKER_03]: Right.
40:33
[SPEAKER_01]: If it was meant to be, you know, I would, they'd give me my degrees.
40:37
[SPEAKER_01]: I wouldn't have to earn them.
40:38
[SPEAKER_01]: I wouldn't have to worry about getting, you know, a promotion.
40:41
[SPEAKER_01]: It would just happen.
40:41
[SPEAKER_01]: It's effort.
40:42
[SPEAKER_01]: And so when we put it on in one way, if we say, well, that's work.
40:46
[SPEAKER_01]: Work doesn't sound fun.
40:48
[SPEAKER_01]: Effort, I'm putting effort into anything that I find to be important.
40:51
[SPEAKER_03]: Yes.
40:52
[SPEAKER_01]: That does change it a little bit, but to recognize that what you're looking for are the small places you can turn toward and looking for those and not letting that become your entire life.
41:03
[SPEAKER_01]: So I hear people, they'll contact me and say, I've listened to every episode of your podcast and I'm like, I don't listen to myself that much, I've read every book and I've done everything.
41:11
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, are you what else are you doing in life?
41:13
[SPEAKER_01]: That's it.
41:14
[SPEAKER_01]: That's tough.
41:15
[SPEAKER_01]: That's overwhelming for a spouse and it's not helpful for you.
41:20
[SPEAKER_01]: keep the growing going and look for the opportunities of that bridge.
41:24
[SPEAKER_04]: Right.
41:24
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
41:25
[SPEAKER_04]: And while and that's where like I come into play, too, with like health and fitness and working out and making sure your nutrition's on point because absolutely.
41:32
[SPEAKER_04]: That's all going to fuel your effort in your ability to have the energy, you know, and desire to put that effort in.
41:38
[SPEAKER_01]: And whenever there's a crisis, the first thing that most people put away is self care.
41:43
[SPEAKER_04]: Yeah.
41:43
[SPEAKER_01]: And that's the first thing they should hold on to.
41:45
[SPEAKER_04]: It's like it's so crazy.
41:47
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm so glad you said that.
41:48
[SPEAKER_04]: I see that all the time when things get hard.
41:50
[SPEAKER_04]: People want to quit and stop.
41:51
[SPEAKER_04]: Well, I just need to do that.
41:52
[SPEAKER_04]: But I'll come back later.
41:54
[SPEAKER_01]: Uh-huh.
41:54
[SPEAKER_04]: No.
41:55
[SPEAKER_04]: No, you won't.
41:56
[SPEAKER_04]: That pause button is so dangerous in every area of your life, but how people get overwhelmed and they don't talk and they learn they lose all the connection.
42:05
[SPEAKER_04]: I mean, all this connection that you're talking about too and having that connection, it's it.
42:09
[SPEAKER_04]: I can relate to that so much in the fitness world as well.
42:12
[SPEAKER_04]: Like we talked about before like there's so much more of a need than just going to do a Jesuit to class.
42:17
[SPEAKER_04]: There's so much not need, but so much that it's filling your bucket full of.
42:21
[SPEAKER_04]: And that connection piece, like my brain is just spinning as you're talking about like all the connection because like I get all that from the gym and I'm trying to help other people get that too.
42:29
[SPEAKER_04]: And people ask me all the time, they're like, I just can't fall in love with working out, you know, like how do you love going to the gym and I'm like,
42:36
[SPEAKER_04]: Who's that I love going to the gym?
42:37
[SPEAKER_04]: Like who's that I love going and doing something that's extremely painful actually?
42:41
[SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
42:42
[SPEAKER_04]: But it's, I'm connecting.
42:44
[SPEAKER_04]: I'm connecting with myself and my mind and my body and like just a release.
42:48
[SPEAKER_04]: Like it's giving me so many things on all the different levels that you've said.
42:51
[SPEAKER_04]: So.
42:51
[SPEAKER_01]: So you pointed to one piece, though, and that is about the systems we have in place.
42:56
[SPEAKER_01]: You don't have to love going to the gym to go.
42:58
[SPEAKER_01]: That's an important part of me taking care of myself.
43:01
[SPEAKER_01]: So I'm going to create a system where I do that.
43:03
[SPEAKER_01]: And it may be that there's a workout class that you have to show up for that creates that.
43:08
[SPEAKER_01]: Or maybe you put your walking shoes right beside your bed.
43:10
[SPEAKER_01]: So when you get up in the morning, those shoes go on in this time to go walking.
43:14
[SPEAKER_01]: But there's some system you have in place.
43:16
[SPEAKER_01]: I mean, if we could equate that in life, most people are like, I don't really want to go to work every day,
43:21
[SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to go show up.
43:22
[SPEAKER_01]: I don't want to parent every day, but I'm going to continue doing that because those are important so I have I've created systems and I've had people say I don't have any systems and my response is that's a system.
43:33
[SPEAKER_01]: It's just not a good system is it's a failing system.
43:36
[SPEAKER_04]: Right.
43:37
[SPEAKER_04]: Right.
43:37
[SPEAKER_04]: Well, and you could put systems in place with your marriage, too.
43:40
[SPEAKER_04]: Kids in bed ate a clock.
43:41
[SPEAKER_04]: We're meeting in the living room at this time or, you know, like, yeah.
43:44
[SPEAKER_04]: And that's effort.
43:45
[SPEAKER_04]: You don't have to, like you said, you don't have to look at it as like work.
43:47
[SPEAKER_04]: I love the word effort, not put in the work.
43:50
[SPEAKER_04]: Dr. Lee, I feel like I could talk to you for another two hours and all of this.
43:54
[SPEAKER_04]: And like dissect all of your books and everything.
43:56
[SPEAKER_04]: Tell me where can people find you where can they follow you will put everything in their show notes, too.
44:02
[SPEAKER_04]: But I bet a lot of people are going to want to connect with you after this episode.
44:05
[SPEAKER_01]: So let's focus on two different possibilities.
44:08
[SPEAKER_01]: One is I have a link, savethemarriage.com slash podcast.
44:12
[SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
44:12
[SPEAKER_01]: We want a podcast.
44:12
[SPEAKER_01]: So savethemarriage.com slash podcast that actually has links to three different things.
44:17
[SPEAKER_01]: One is an assessment to go where are we?
44:20
[SPEAKER_01]: What's the potential of our relationship?
44:21
[SPEAKER_01]: It's a very simple assessment and it also links if people are like oh my gosh I know we're in a crisis and I want to work on that.
44:28
[SPEAKER_01]: That's the save the marriage system The other is I've created an unpause app so when you decide you want to unpause your relationship It's designed for that and that's not so much a I've got to say my marriage as much as
44:40
[SPEAKER_01]: I want my marriage to start building again.
44:42
[SPEAKER_01]: And the app is designed to help guide people through that.
44:45
[SPEAKER_01]: There's a link to all three of those.
44:47
[SPEAKER_01]: If somebody says, no, you're right.
44:49
[SPEAKER_01]: I just need to unpause my marriage.
44:50
[SPEAKER_01]: Unpause your marriage.com.
44:52
[SPEAKER_01]: We'll get you right to the app.
44:53
[SPEAKER_04]: Okay.
44:53
[SPEAKER_04]: All right.
44:54
[SPEAKER_04]: So is this app like interactive?
44:56
[SPEAKER_04]: Does it give you suggestions of like what to do?
44:58
[SPEAKER_04]: And this is day one.
45:00
[SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, so it has a combination, it has a morning piece of back-to-system, has a morning piece of how do I want my data to go?
45:07
[SPEAKER_01]: There's some training elements to it, some assessment to it.
45:10
[SPEAKER_01]: There's a feedback loop when you turn in your homework, it automatically gives feedback on that.
45:15
[SPEAKER_01]: And then there's an evening, how did it go?
45:18
[SPEAKER_01]: So we can set up for the next day, not how did it go?
45:20
[SPEAKER_01]: Like, you need to feel bad about yourself as much as how did it go?
45:23
[SPEAKER_01]: If it didn't go well, let's set up better for tomorrow.
45:25
[SPEAKER_04]: Yes, collect data.
45:27
[SPEAKER_01]: collect data.
45:28
[SPEAKER_04]: It's like people getting on the scale.
45:30
[SPEAKER_04]: Like, don't let it get make you mad.
45:32
[SPEAKER_04]: That's not punishment.
45:33
[SPEAKER_04]: No, we're just collecting data.
45:34
[SPEAKER_04]: We just need to know.
45:35
[SPEAKER_04]: Did it work?
45:35
[SPEAKER_04]: It did not work.
45:36
[SPEAKER_01]: It's called reality.
45:37
[SPEAKER_01]: You know, let's face what reality is.
45:39
[SPEAKER_01]: And then we can choose what we're going to do from there.
45:41
[SPEAKER_04]: Exactly.
45:42
[SPEAKER_04]: Oh, I got it.
45:43
[SPEAKER_04]: Love it.
45:43
[SPEAKER_04]: I love it so much.
45:44
[SPEAKER_04]: Okay.
45:45
[SPEAKER_04]: All the links.
45:45
[SPEAKER_04]: We'll put in the show notes.
45:47
[SPEAKER_04]: Thank you so much for coming.
45:49
[SPEAKER_01]: Thank you.
45:50
[SPEAKER_04]: I think this has just been great and such a good time a year too for people to really like if you're gonna start and you're ready for this year to be, you know, new and a fresh star and just unpause so many things in your life like why not your marriage and your relationship too?
46:04
[SPEAKER_04]: So thank you for coming out.
46:06
[SPEAKER_04]: This was a true blessing.
46:07
[SPEAKER_04]: True to this show.
46:08
[SPEAKER_04]: Thanks for having me.
46:09
[SPEAKER_04]: Check out this show notes.
46:10
[SPEAKER_04]: Stay safe, stay healthy, until next time.
46:16
[SPEAKER_04]: The bottom-life podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.
46:19
[SPEAKER_04]: The content shared here is not intended as medical, legal, or professional advice.
46:22
[SPEAKER_04]: Always consult with a qualified professional before making any health fitness, financial, or legal decisions.
46:27
[SPEAKER_04]: The opinions shared on this podcast are personal experiences and insight.
46:31
[SPEAKER_04]: So if you need expert guidance, go find the right professional for you.
46:34
[SPEAKER_04]: Thanks for listening.