Latest / D/s and BDSM Communication Archives • Loving BDSM / Dominants and Communication

Transcript

Dominants and Communication · D/s and BDSM Communication Archives • Loving BDSM

0:10
You're listening to the Loving BDSM podcast episode
0:12
417.
0:14
Lords here with the 1, the only, the
0:17
you really know your way around a paddle.
0:19
John Brown's done.
0:22
Well, I'm glad you enjoyed your, birthday spanking
0:25
this morning. That was a very self
0:28
satisfied chuckle
0:29
there. Mhmm.
0:30
And what nobody can see but me is
0:32
the smirk on your face. True. You are
0:35
very proud of yourself.
0:37
I am. I did good. At at least,
0:39
I think I did. My ass you.
0:42
Your ass is very welcome.
0:45
Anyway, that's not what we're here to talk
0:46
about. But yesterday, we're recording this episode on
0:49
my birthday, so hence birthday spankings. Now, this
0:51
week, we're talking about why dominance communication
0:55
skills matter
0:56
just as much as the submissives.
1:00
Welcome to the Loving BDSM podcast. If this
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is your first time listening, glad to have
1:03
you. If you're back for another week, welcome
1:04
back. Loving BDSM is produced every Monday Friday
1:07
for your kinky pleasure in education. Show notes
1:09
are found at lovingbdsm.net.
1:11
Come back often and feel free to add
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could also follow the show on Fetlife at
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will forever fucking hate. Hate, loving d s
1:23
and the number one. So it's at loving
1:25
d s one or on YouTube at youtube.com/loving
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BDSM, where you can watch us live stream
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the podcast every Wednesday. All links are in
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the show notes. A big thanks as always
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to our kinky patrons over on Patreon, including
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our newest peeps. We are able to keep
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being kinky weirdos on the Internet because of
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We are grateful for every fucking lot of
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cool, super nice kingsters. You can do that.
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Join us at patreon.com/kayla
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lords. That's patreon.com/kayla
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lords, or use the link in the show
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notes.
2:00
All of them.
2:04
Them. Sorry podcast listeners. JB was threatening to
2:06
hit my buttons and I was
2:08
not gonna complain.
2:12
So I did not put any announcements in
2:14
this episode because when I tried to make
2:16
the script and the outline for today, it
2:18
was through a massive headache
2:20
after I had realized I could not
2:22
decipher numbers. I told everybody in Patreon that
2:25
the q and a was at,
2:27
3 when it's really at 2, and I
2:29
was very
2:30
it was a rough. So I went, you
2:31
know what? We're just not announcing shit this
2:34
week.
2:37
The kinkery just finished a sale. I've barely
2:40
looked at our Etsy shops in, like, a
2:42
hot ass minute. Just whatever. Live your life.
2:44
Okay? We're
2:46
we're not selling shit this week.
2:49
We're just gonna the one thing I will
2:51
say, and that's a vague it's not an
2:53
announcement, but it's a vague thing, is that
2:56
our
2:57
weekly livestream
2:59
times will be
3:01
changing as of next week,
3:03
November Yeah. 6th. But as of the time
3:06
of recording, we don't know
3:07
When that will be. When that will be.
3:09
So
3:10
if you are a person who used to
3:12
watch the stream
3:13
and has not been able to because of
3:15
the time, or you'd like to but the
3:17
current time does not work for you, stay
3:19
tuned. There will be a new time.
3:23
So
3:24
this one
3:27
is I don't have a good outline for
3:30
this topic
3:31
because in a way, this topic can encompass
3:35
everything and It might. Right? And that's too
3:37
much. So I'll just warn you, we might
3:39
be chaotic. I just know I want to
3:42
talk about this.
3:44
So I will give some, caveats, disclaimers, and
3:47
maybe I can stop a keyboard warrior before
3:49
they begin.
3:50
In the things we're going to talk about
3:52
today, whatever that ends up being, because it's
3:54
not a a
3:56
clear, clear outline.
3:58
1, yes. It likely does apply to submissives
4:01
too. You're right.
4:03
2, yes. This is good information for non
4:06
kinksters too. You're right.
4:10
No. We are not mentioning
4:12
a specific thing you thought of because we
4:14
are not
4:16
all knowing, all seeing. We we can we
4:18
will only talk about some of the things,
4:20
and we might miss a thing that's important
4:22
to you, and and it's okay. That's what
4:24
the comment section is for. Feel free to
4:26
share your perspective.
4:27
We like that.
4:33
The other thing, the reason I I brought
4:35
this to you and I was like, hey.
4:36
What do you think? Mhmm. Is because
4:40
I think that
4:41
too often,
4:43
we, and I mean kink educational
4:47
informational spaces
4:49
in general, do not focus on dominance an
4:52
enough or as maybe as much as we
4:54
should.
4:55
And I know why we do it. It's
4:56
because when a submissive does not know how
4:58
to communicate, cannot,
5:01
does not feel safe using a safe word,
5:02
does not think they're supposed to have limits
5:04
and boundaries. Their physical, mental, emotional well-being is
5:08
at risk, and so we have to, like,
5:11
build the confidence and the knowledge up for
5:12
some of them so they can hopefully help
5:14
protect themselves and, in the process, protect their
5:17
dom. Because
5:18
if if you are
5:20
unintentionally the reason your dom does something
5:23
destructive,
5:24
a decent dom is fucked up as well.
5:26
Like, it's not good for anybody.
5:30
But I you know? So some of this
5:33
is gonna be stuff we've talked about before,
5:34
but I just wanna, like, say it's about
5:36
the Dom's.
5:37
So,
5:41
the I have a question for you because
5:43
you are our resident Dom. So I'm sorry.
5:45
You have to speak on behalf of all
5:46
of them.
5:47
That's a scary thought.
5:49
When you first
5:51
figured out you were kinky, got into the
5:53
lifestyle, started dabbling in power exchange,
5:56
and that was well before me,
5:58
What was your what if any communication challenges
6:01
did you have in terms of
6:04
Such as? Well, you know,
6:07
I was not
6:12
raised in a a place that,
6:15
taught good
6:16
communication skills. Sure.
6:18
Therefore,
6:20
early on a lot of my relationships were
6:22
not
6:23
ones where I practice good
6:25
communication. Mhmm.
6:27
Alright.
6:28
So it was it was a challenge
6:31
just in and of itself. Mhmm. Okay.
6:35
You know,
6:36
acknowledge my feelings,
6:38
What the hell is that? And you still
6:40
struggle with that. I I do, I I
6:41
do. There there are times I still struggle
6:42
with it. You know, it I I think
6:44
the hardest part for me in all that
6:46
was was realizing that I had a safe
6:49
place
6:57
to say
6:58
what I wanted to. Mhmm. Okay?
7:01
And I wasn't shamed for it, I wasn't,
7:03
you know, put down for it or or
7:05
judged for it or anything like that. Mhmm.
7:08
You know, but that that was a hard
7:10
thing
7:11
Mhmm. To to to process
7:13
and
7:14
put into
7:16
action.
7:17
I think I know the answer, but I'm
7:19
gonna ask it anyway. Uh-oh.
7:22
As those skills improved for you Mhmm. Did
7:25
your kink life and power exchange relationships also
7:28
improve? Yes.
7:30
Yes. I wanted it on the record.
7:34
That, you know, it I think that's something
7:37
that goes hand in hand. Mhmm. Okay? When
7:40
you can better communicate your feelings, your needs,
7:43
whether you're
7:44
a big d or a little s Sure.
7:46
You know, regardless, I I think that's going
7:49
to make things better, because when you can
7:52
clearly state,
7:54
you know, what you want, what what your
7:56
boundaries are, what, you know,
7:58
different thing you know, whatever whatever it is
8:00
that you have to say. When you can
8:02
say it
8:03
clearly,
8:05
you know,
8:06
hell of a difference. And be heard. And
8:08
be heard. That that's true too. You know,
8:10
you can talk all you want, but if
8:11
you fall on deaf ears, it's not gonna
8:12
Right. It doesn't really matter. Matter hill beans.
8:15
So I'm curious because here's my belief and
8:18
not universal.
8:19
I would never think this applies to everybody.
8:22
But from the outside looking in, watching many
8:25
doms over the years, and also my own
8:27
experience with you,
8:29
would you say that you,
8:34
can relate to what I'm about to say,
8:36
which is the idea that once you're confident
8:38
in yourself as a dominant so that's a
8:40
big thing Mhmm. Regardless. And some of that
8:42
is about communication and some of that is
8:43
just about experience and figuring your own self
8:46
out. But once you have that confidence as
8:48
a dom,
8:50
do you
8:51
or have you found it easier
8:53
to talk about wants, needs, boundaries? The
8:58
the bits and pieces of the power exchange
9:00
and the fuckery,
9:01
than to communicate,
9:03
like, feelings,
9:04
emotions, vulnerabilities. Things that are not directly tied
9:08
to the fuckery and the power exchange, but
9:11
absolutely would affect that. Like, is it easier
9:13
as the dom who's deciding what we're doing
9:15
within my boundaries, of course, to talk about
9:18
that than it is to talk about the
9:20
other stuff?
9:21
Speaking for myself,
9:23
yeah. I know it's still the thing you
9:25
struggle with all these years later. And and
9:27
I do. I'm not I'm not gonna deny
9:29
that. I I struggle with it,
9:33
even though I
9:35
when I look to look back Mhmm. You
9:37
know, on
9:39
on me years ago,
9:41
I I have
9:43
come leaps and bounds Oh, sure. Yeah. But
9:46
I still got a fucking long way to
9:47
go. So
9:49
what,
9:51
beyond the doing
9:52
Mhmm. What, if anything, communication wise
9:55
helped you gain confidence as a dominant? Like,
9:58
I know the putting of things in practice
10:00
and just the doing it is part of
10:02
a huge part of of building confidence.
10:04
To say, I I think what helped
10:07
me more than anything,
10:09
and and I know this is gonna sound
10:10
like a silly stupid simple answer,
10:14
but you.
10:17
Okay? Because you
10:19
gave me
10:20
a safe place
10:22
to be able to
10:24
say the things, to be able to express
10:26
the things.
10:27
You know, and and that is something that
10:29
is
10:34
priceless.
10:35
Mhmm. Mhmm. Okay? Because, you know,
10:39
I I know, like I said, you know,
10:41
I
10:43
had to
10:45
overcome my own misgivings as far as communication.
10:49
Sure.
10:51
But, you know, there were times when I
10:54
did try to express and
10:57
Others shut you down? Shut right down in
10:59
a heartbeat, you know, and and you did
11:01
not do that. You you gave me
11:04
the
11:06
ability to voice my thoughts,
11:09
you
11:10
never judged me
11:12
for anything I have ever said to you
11:15
in any way shape or form, and and
11:18
you have always acknowledged
11:20
whatever I have said. Mhmm. Okay? And and
11:24
that
11:25
has made it
11:28
that much easier. Also, you allow me to
11:30
pull it out of you kicking and screaming
11:32
sometimes. No. That's true. There Tough clause gets
11:34
activated.
11:37
Because you know what's funny? In in and
11:39
this is not something that we started this
11:41
way. This was, we got to this place
11:43
at some point over the years.
11:45
You allow me the ability
11:48
to call you on your bullshit.
11:50
Yeah. Like, yeah. I I get it. He's
11:53
in charge. He's the dumb. We're 247. He's
11:55
he's always the dumb. Yes. He's also always
11:57
human. And he I I am I'm gonna
12:00
shy away from sometimes hard things. Sometimes I,
12:02
you know,
12:03
yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm gonna shy from things,
12:06
you know, I have my own,
12:09
hang ups. Sure. You know, from, from things,
12:12
so, you know, yeah, there, there are times,
12:17
I I think, in a way, I could
12:20
probably say it comes back to bad tapes.
12:23
Sure. Yeah. Real quick for anybody who doesn't
12:25
know what a bad tape is. It's a
12:26
little bit like a trigger, but less, like,
12:28
psychologically
12:29
applicable.
12:30
Yeah. It's more of a a thing that
12:30
happened in a previous relationship that is you
12:30
think is happening to you right now, and
12:30
you
12:31
respond
12:32
happening to you right now, and you respond
12:34
as if that person Mhmm. Your current partner
12:35
is the former partner, and so your response
12:37
is out of proportion to what's actually happening.
12:38
Yep. So, you know, I I think that
12:48
contributes to some of it as well. Oh,
12:50
yeah. I mean, I have at least learned
12:52
over the years how to navigate some of
12:54
your known, both bad tapes and triggers. Like,
12:56
if I know something can trigger you, and
12:59
I'm like, shit, we still have to have
13:00
this conversation,
13:02
I do a lot of caveating in the
13:04
beginning of Mhmm. I know
13:07
this might sound like that, or I know
13:10
this is hard for you to think about.
13:13
Yeah. I do spend a lot of time,
13:15
and I I do think you need it
13:17
because I'm pretty sure this is
13:20
not something you heard a lot,
13:23
before our relationship. I know I never heard
13:25
anything like it, but I do spend a
13:26
lot of time going, your
13:29
insert emotion is valid. Mhmm. Like, I get
13:32
that you're angry. I get that you're
13:34
sad. I get that you're this. And and
13:37
then I do a comma, like,
13:40
however
13:40
Yeah. Or but what are you thinking or
13:43
whatever. Like, I I sort of try to
13:47
acknowledge
13:48
the stuff that I I just know from
13:50
all the conversations we've had and the things
13:52
I've witnessed in your life that you, you
13:55
know, you've been told most of your life
13:57
about how you're not supposed to feel a
13:58
thing. And how much of this is, you
14:01
know, about
14:02
how Western society
14:04
socializes,
14:05
you know, boys and girls of how we're,
14:07
oops, sorry, of how we're supposed to respond
14:10
and how we're supposed to behave and how
14:11
we're supposed to feel. Right? So there's been
14:14
some undoing of that over the years. And
14:17
I can't, I can't, I'm not magic. I
14:19
can't undo what's gonna happen to you. But
14:21
what I do is go, okay, yeah, I
14:23
know you're primed
14:24
to think that nobody cares about how you
14:26
feel. I'm just gonna preemptively go,
14:29
your feelings are valid.
14:30
Yes. I absolutely can see why. And I'm
14:33
reading your emotion, and you you've gotten really
14:36
good, because you didn't use to do this,
14:38
of if I read the emotion,
14:40
not necessarily incorrectly, but, like, it's not the
14:43
complete story,
14:44
you've gotten better
14:46
at going, actually, that's not what I'm feeling,
14:48
or that's not all of what I'm feeling.
14:49
And you've gotten better at naming your own
14:52
emotions. Mhmm.
14:54
Yeah.
14:56
And,
14:58
that's taken practice and a lot of work.
15:00
And like I say, I still have I
15:02
I know I still have
15:04
a a bit of a journey on that
15:05
one. Because we all do. Yeah. Not one
15:07
of us came out of the womb going,
15:08
I know how to communicate all of my
15:10
thoughts and feelings to anybody I might come
15:13
across. Like, I mean,
15:15
technically as infants, we did. We just screamed
15:17
our full head off until somebody fulfilled our
15:19
needs. Right.
15:21
Yeah.
15:23
Yeah.
15:24
So
15:27
I don't know how to ask this question.
15:28
I don't even know if it's a question
15:30
because I've got observations.
15:31
Oh, goodness.
15:33
Oh, goodness.
15:38
What is a thing other than your feelings,
15:40
like, I think we've
15:41
that's clear that you're still working on that.
15:44
What,
15:45
if anything, do you struggle
15:48
with or have struggled with and overcome to
15:51
communicate specific to being a dominant? Like
15:58
interesting question. I haven't,
16:00
really thought about that. Well, because here's some
16:02
things I think about that we know are
16:04
potential issues.
16:06
You don't punish and or dole out consequences
16:09
and anger. No. But, man, we can piss
16:11
one another off real good. Oh, yeah. We
16:13
can. Oh, yeah.
16:16
You do deal with depression. Yes. And we've
16:19
had very long in-depth conversations even recently about
16:22
some of that. Yeah.
16:25
And,
16:26
you know, your ability
16:28
you are always
16:30
my daddy dom, and to me, you are
16:31
always a dom.
16:33
But when
16:35
it's hard to
16:37
communicate your thoughts, your feelings, what you want
16:39
it's hard to even think about what you
16:41
want.
16:42
That that absolutely has to impact the power
16:45
change. It does not impact our relationship in
16:47
that somehow the relationship is falling apart, but
16:50
it it does,
16:51
you know Here here's what I what I
16:53
will say with that,
16:57
you know,
17:00
yeah, my depression.
17:05
Yeah, it's
17:07
it's a bugger,
17:10
and
17:12
that is something that I am struggling
17:15
with communicating,
17:16
especially when it comes to our
17:19
power exchange. Mhmm.
17:20
You know,
17:21
for for me to say,
17:25
you know,
17:26
yeah, things are hitting me a little bit
17:28
today, and I'm I'm I'm not there. I
17:30
don't know,
17:32
you know, what I can
17:34
what I can do. Mhmm.
17:36
And and that is that is a tough
17:38
thing for me to
17:41
vocalize.
17:42
Are there worries that you have around the
17:45
idea of vocalizing it? Do you worry that
17:46
I will have a reaction, or do you
17:48
worry about what it says about you? Or
17:50
It's mostly
17:51
Well, usually is. It usually is. You know,
17:53
thinking that,
17:55
at that point when I when I have
17:57
have hit one of those those
18:00
valleys,
18:03
I'm like, you know, I I I can't
18:05
feel this way, I'm
18:07
the big d, I'm the one in I'm
18:08
the one in charge, I shouldn't be like
18:11
this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know? And
18:13
and that's where
18:15
that's where that block comes from. Mhmm.
18:18
Have you had the experience of, maybe not
18:20
in those specific words, but talking about your
18:23
feelings and then
18:25
coming through the other side of that? Not
18:27
the situation is any better Mhmm. But
18:30
talking through it and then maybe seeing things
18:32
differently
18:33
or feeling differently?
18:39
The funny thing is,
18:42
the few times that we have,
18:44
it has actually made me feel better
18:48
to get it out. That's where I was
18:50
going with it. Yes.
18:52
And,
18:54
even though most times it does not resolve
18:56
anything Usually, it does, I know. You know,
18:59
yes, just getting it out helps.
19:03
And yet,
19:05
there is still that disconnect
19:07
that, no, I can't I can't do this.
19:10
It's not
19:11
my observation
19:12
is, you don't learn from that each time.
19:15
Like, in my case, as I was learning
19:17
I could trust you
19:19
as partners, as you're submissive, all that,
19:22
it becomes easier over time. I might I
19:24
might not be perfect or, you know, immediate
19:26
with sharing something or expressing something, but each
19:27
time I'm like, I know I'm safe because
19:28
that's
19:28
dynamic. You are we don't use these labels,
19:30
but you are kind of a protector of
19:32
me and the dynamic. And so, yeah,
19:43
I can kinda lay down my burdens as
19:45
long as I feel safe to do so.
19:47
That's, you know, a necessary part for anybody.
19:50
And so for me, it gets to be
19:51
a little bit easier each time,
19:54
whereas you always carry
19:57
the and I don't say burden in, like,
19:59
the super negative way, but let's just call
20:02
a thing what it is.
20:03
You you always carry the burden of the
20:05
responsibility.
20:06
To wait. Right. And so there's a pressure
20:08
that comes with it. Even if I'm over
20:10
here screaming, no. No. No. It's good. Let
20:12
me serve by taking off some of the
20:14
pressure. Yeah. You know? Just the nature of
20:16
the role being what it is. It is.
20:18
Right.
20:19
Right. So each time,
20:21
it's like pulling teeth to get him to
20:24
just talk. And each time I'm trying to
20:26
do,
20:27
like, a Pavlov's dog thing here. Each time
20:30
I'm like, and don't you feel a little
20:32
bit better? We didn't solve anything, but don't
20:35
doesn't it feel good to have shared this?
20:37
And he goes, yes. It does. And then
20:39
poof, out of his mind the next
20:42
time.
20:43
So In one ear out the other, so
20:45
to speak. Yeah. I'm curious because
20:48
my
20:49
knowledge
20:50
from things you've told me tells me this
20:52
might not be true, but I don't know
20:53
everything because you haven't told me everything. We
20:56
got another good 30 years ahead of us
20:58
for you to tell me everything. Okay. Oh,
21:00
we're propping you up by the jukebox. We've
21:01
already decided this. Remember? Anyway,
21:05
have there been times where
21:08
as a dominant in kink right? Like, we're
21:10
not talking about vanilla shit where, oh, we
21:11
all have to recover from that. Yeah. As
21:14
a dominant in kink, have you
21:16
had times where
21:19
you tried to communicate, and for all kinds
21:21
of different reasons,
21:22
the partner you were trying to communicate with,
21:24
like, there was a a failure of understanding,
21:27
or they didn't accept your communication, or it
21:29
was a struggle,
21:31
or they were maybe not
21:33
the best person to
21:35
be vulnerable with. I would I would have
21:37
to say that happened more so in any
21:39
vanilla relationship. Mhmm.
21:41
Mhmm. In any
21:43
Do you think because there's a twofold here.
21:46
You're you are both
21:48
a a man, right,
21:50
and also a dominant. Do you ever get
21:53
the feeling
21:54
that from the from the submissives you encounter,
21:57
and everybody is different,
22:00
that maybe
22:01
your words are given more weight and you're
22:03
given the things you're trying to communicate are
22:05
given a little bit more respect
22:07
just for that? Just for that?
22:12
To a certain extent, yes. I I think
22:15
that that does
22:17
occur. Mhmm.
22:20
I don't necessarily like it. Right, right, right.
22:22
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're not a shitty
22:24
human being.
22:28
But, well, I I mean, to to a
22:31
certain degree, I I look at it, you
22:33
know, I I don't like it because I
22:34
feel like I I in many times, I
22:37
haven't done
22:38
anything to earn it or deserve it. Right.
22:41
Because you're not a shitty human being.
22:45
You're not perfect, but you're not shitty. No.
22:47
I'm I I am I am far from
22:49
perfect because, you know, I I
22:52
talking about the, you know, makes me think
22:55
back.
22:57
And and I I
22:59
came across something
23:00
several weeks ago from many, many, many years
23:03
ago
23:05
online.
23:06
I was shocked to even see that site
23:07
was still in existence.
23:09
But,
23:14
you know, early
23:16
very early on
23:18
in,
23:19
some of my DS relationships,
23:25
I was the one that that fucked up
23:27
because I wasn't communicating.
23:29
Right. You know?
23:32
And
23:33
Was it a they if you think back,
23:36
because you might not have even thought it
23:38
clearly at the time, but when you think
23:39
look back, was it a somebody should just
23:42
know, or you believed you were being clear
23:44
and you weren't, or it was stuff you
23:47
didn't think you had to say,
23:49
or what do you think was? It was
23:50
a combination of of stuff that I didn't
23:52
think I had to say.
23:54
And at the time, I thought I was
23:56
being clear, but
23:57
now that I look back on it, I
23:59
was like, oh, that was very muddy. Yeah.
24:01
That was some muddy shit. And was the
24:03
person you were interacting with not the type
24:04
to go, hey. Hey. Hey. I need clarification?
24:09
No.
24:10
You know, so yeah. Especially early on, it
24:13
it yeah. I know.
24:15
What kind of issues did it did it
24:17
cause to that lack of communication cause?
24:22
Arguments
24:24
need not being met on either side. And
24:26
so then being disappointed in each other Right.
24:28
And the feelings that come along with Exactly.
24:30
When you're like, but I thought I told
24:32
you and you're not doing the thing and
24:33
yeah. And yeah. No. And,
24:36
you know, yeah. It it was a lot
24:38
of it was,
24:40
was on me because I was not communicating
24:42
clearly. Mhmm. You know?
24:44
I wasn't communicating my expectations
24:47
clearly. I wasn't communicating my
24:49
my wants, needs Mhmm. You know, and feelings
24:52
clearly. And
24:53
And, you know, and I think that's a
24:54
trap that some dominance fall into, and I
24:57
get why it happens
24:58
if it
24:59
relates to anybody. Mhmm. To not need to
25:02
communicate your own wants and needs that clearly
25:04
is because you're deciding
25:06
within boundaries, within limits. But,
25:09
and I don't agree with this, but I
25:10
can see how it'd be like, well, I
25:11
don't have to tell you what I want.
25:13
I just have to take what you want
25:14
and make it work with what I already
25:16
want as Dom. I'm speaking as a Dom
25:18
here. Mhmm. And just do the thing, which
25:20
I mean,
25:22
I guess you could do that
25:24
or you could do things better. I mean
25:27
Yeah. Yeah.
25:29
Because, you know, I I I try to
25:31
think back to the early parts of our
25:34
power exchange, both long distance and in person.
25:38
And
25:39
this my memory is fuzzy because I have
25:41
a shit memory.
25:42
But what I remember more
25:45
in those early days of our long distance
25:47
relationship is more of the focus being
25:49
on what I wanted, what I needed, what
25:52
I was into as you were trying to
25:53
figure it out.
25:55
But I don't remember a lot of in-depth
25:57
conversations about what you wanted, what you need,
25:59
what you expected Mhmm. What kind of dominant
25:59
you were. Yes.
26:02
What kind of dominant you were.
26:04
Yes. You made that very clear that was
26:06
never
26:08
but, you know,
26:10
I don't and I don't know that conversations
26:12
had to go this way, but I don't
26:14
remember
26:15
sitting down and you going, okay, I like
26:17
spanking, and I like impact, and this is
26:20
what I like. And I Part of it,
26:22
I think,
26:24
and this is I'm looking back now, so
26:27
rose colored glasses and all. I think part
26:29
of it was
26:31
you were experienced and I was inexperienced and
26:34
your
26:34
excuse me. Oh my gosh. Your focus is
26:37
on making sure that I understood
26:40
what I was even agreeing to. Right. And
26:43
over time, I mean, what you're into
26:46
became very clear, and where we we mesh
26:48
and match up really well is
26:50
easy to deal with. But even now, every
26:52
once in a while, you will express an
26:54
interest, and I'm like, oh,
26:57
you like that?
27:00
Surprised.
27:02
And I,
27:04
you know, every
27:06
potential dynamic has to navigate this in their
27:08
own way, but I do wonder
27:11
if I would have benefited
27:13
from
27:14
direct conversations
27:16
about what you wanted.
27:18
And, you know, I think you were I
27:19
think you were going about it in a
27:20
a good way because what you were trying
27:22
to do was not pressure me. You were
27:23
not trying you were purposely trying to have
27:25
conversations where I didn't feel pressured
27:27
to give into what you like or to
27:29
agree with you because you were the dom.
27:31
And I think that's a,
27:33
responsible
27:34
way to do that. Yeah. But
27:37
I genuinely cannot
27:39
think of a time when you just were
27:41
like, these are the things I like to
27:43
do.
27:47
And, you know, that that might that might
27:50
have been an interesting conversation. And it might
27:52
be something that is
27:54
more beneficial when you've got maybe 2 experienced
27:57
kinksters or a really experienced submissive
28:00
and a less experienced dominant because that experience
28:03
submissive hopefully is like, okay. I'm good with
28:05
my boundaries. I'm I'm not gonna be smoking
28:07
to ping the mic. I'm not gonna be
28:09
swayed by what a dom wants because I'm
28:12
I I've got the experience to know myself
28:14
well enough. And maybe it is you it's
28:17
different when it's a very inexperienced submissive and
28:19
the dominant partner is trying to be responsible.
28:21
I well, you know, in in the in
28:24
in
28:25
in the beginning with you and I,
28:27
you know, wasn't even really looking at
28:31
you and I as in a relationship. Very
28:33
important. That and I. You know? And and
28:36
I was
28:37
more
28:39
in the mode of, yeah, educating you. Mhmm.
28:42
Mhmm.
28:44
Yeah. And trying to mentally prepare me for
28:45
a day when I would have another dom
28:47
who wouldn't let you be my friend.
28:51
Yeah. I rejected that bullshit.
28:55
Yeah.
28:56
I was mad at a dom I didn't
28:57
have, hadn't met, and probably didn't even exist.
29:02
And yet I was still going, I don't
29:04
I don't know if there's anything here. It's
29:07
I'm not ready for a relationship.
29:09
Wait. Does that mean should I let myself
29:11
talk to you?
29:15
So,
29:16
what are
29:18
some
29:20
best practices,
29:21
tips, advice you would give a dominant who
29:24
to think about specific to communicating? Some things
29:26
that maybe have helped you or you've learned
29:28
the hard way? Or
29:32
you know, even even with me,
29:35
there are
29:37
times when
29:40
writing an email
29:42
is the best practice.
29:43
Yep. Okay.
29:45
I I'm I'm not gonna say writing a
29:46
handwritten letter. Nobody wants to try and read
29:49
my handwriting. It's fine. I can read it
29:51
just fine, man. Yeah. You've been around long
29:52
enough. That's all.
29:56
But,
29:58
you know,
29:59
if if you if you want
30:02
a a good, solid, stable,
30:05
d s relation or any relationship,
30:08
you know, it it's hard to open up,
30:10
it's hard to be vulnerable, but you kinda
30:13
need to dip your toes in that water.
30:15
Right.
30:16
You know, and
30:19
I I think it's one of those things
30:20
that, you know, we said this before, communicating
30:23
is like exercising a muscle. The the more
30:26
you use it, the easier it becomes. Mhmm.
30:29
Mhmm.
30:29
And it is hard if both partners in
30:32
a dynamic are struggle with it Mhmm. Or
30:35
not even just struggle with it. If there's
30:37
just skills you each are lacking, and, man,
30:39
if they're not complimentary skills, this is really,
30:41
really tough. Like Yeah.
30:44
It can be really rough if one of
30:45
you is like, I will tell you everything
30:48
I'm feeling, but I'm not a good listener.
30:50
Right? And the other one's like, I can't
30:51
tell you
30:53
anything I'm
30:54
feeling. Or I for doms especially
30:58
and we did the whole episode on vulnerability.
31:01
Everybody has their issues with vulnerability,
31:04
in all different manner, in all different directions.
31:07
But doms are uniquely in a position
31:10
where too many people buy into the I
31:13
can't be vulnerable because then I cannot be
31:15
perceived as strong. And I I look like
31:18
I am weak if I am vulnerable. And
31:20
the biggest strength is vulnerability. The hardest part
31:20
is being vulnerable with the right person. Correct.
31:20
And that's
31:22
part is
31:23
being vulnerable with the right person. Correct. And
31:23
that's where we get fucked up. Because, you
31:25
know yeah. See, there there's a big miss
31:27
misconception, you know, saying that being
31:29
vulnerable isn't isn't a strength.
31:37
It takes a hell of a lot of
31:38
strength,
31:40
no matter regardless of who you are,
31:42
to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Right. Absolutely.
31:46
Absolutely. And and vulnerability looks like a lot
31:48
of different things. For for JB, vulnerability
31:52
in in at certain times has been letting
31:54
me see him be angry about his past,
31:57
letting me see him be sad about his
31:59
Mhmm.
32:00
Some shit that's gone down. You're like, you
32:02
know, and now but now we're at a
32:04
point where I can You you walk in
32:07
on me before found me crying and just
32:09
let me And I just hug you because
32:11
that's all I can do. The thing what
32:12
I've had to learn, and this is not
32:14
a submissive thing, this is a person thing,
32:15
I have to just let him feel his
32:17
emotions. I cannot swoop in and fix it.
32:19
Whether as a service submissive or just the
32:21
type of person who likes to fix problems.
32:23
Like, uh-uh. That's that's not only not my
32:25
job. That's impossible.
32:27
And I don't wanna ever
32:30
unintentionally
32:31
do something
32:32
that you read as, oh, I shouldn't be
32:34
crying. She's gonna do anything she can to
32:36
get me to stop her. I shouldn't be
32:37
expressing this emotion. She'll do anything to stop
32:40
it. So maybe that means I'm not supposed
32:41
to express that emotion. I've had to learn
32:43
to just let you express it. Mhmm. Let
32:46
you get to a point where you
32:48
are have kinda come back to yourself. And
32:50
then if you wanna talk about it, we
32:52
talk about it. That is another
32:55
potential thing that dominance, I think, need to
32:57
be very careful about with communication.
32:59
As the one in charge of your dynamic,
33:02
your submissive can come to you and be
33:03
like, do you wanna talk about this? Can
33:05
we talk about this? I'm here for you
33:07
if you need. And
33:09
a dominant who thinks that strength comes from
33:12
being stoic and not sharing and not admitting,
33:15
you know,
33:17
vulnerable feelings and and and all of that,
33:20
you have the power to to shut down
33:22
that ability to have that conversation. And look,
33:25
if you do not trust your partner enough
33:27
for that, that's one thing. But also, I
33:29
would like you to do some internal,
33:32
whatever introspections.
33:33
Because why why can you
33:36
beat their ass, but you don't trust them
33:38
enough to, like Yeah. And you're in this
33:41
hopefully, you know, you're trying to have a
33:42
long term dynamic. Like, just just do a
33:43
little self check there. But, like, you get
33:45
to go, this is this is the person
33:47
I'm playing with. This is not a person
33:48
I'm vulnerable with in this way. That's fine.
33:50
But you have negotiated a power
33:53
exchange. It's you're trying to make it long
33:54
term. You're trying to make it, like, deep
33:56
and meaningful,
33:57
but you as the dom as a self
33:59
protective measure get to go, I don't wanna
34:01
talk about this. Even though repressing shit doesn't
34:04
make it go away, you've just pushed it
34:06
down for it to pop out somewhere else.
34:08
Else. Yep. And that somewhere else could fuck
34:10
up your relationship because
34:12
you don't nothing gets pushed down. It just
34:14
gets pushed out. Right.
34:16
And I think that's a trap that some
34:17
doms will fall into. We're not gonna talk
34:19
about this. I don't wanna talk about this.
34:21
And you get the final say Mhmm. Because
34:24
of the dynamic.
34:25
Mhmm. You've done that a couple times. I
34:27
am. And what I've learned to do is
34:29
wait for you to calm down. Mhmm.
34:31
Do something to see if I can get
34:32
you to, like, laugh or smile,
34:34
even if it's that dark, like, you're making
34:36
me laugh against my will kind of thing.
34:38
And then I slip in and I'm like,
34:41
so that thing,
34:43
that happened. Do you wanna talk about it?
34:45
Yeah. But these days, we have developed
34:49
an intimate enough relationship. We've been together long
34:51
enough. We've seen each other at our best
34:53
and our worst.
34:54
You do kind of, you know, allow me,
34:56
like I said at the top, I get
34:57
to call you on your bullshit. I get
34:59
to be like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. No.
35:00
No. I know you're telling me everything's fine,
35:02
but I have eyes, and I can see
35:04
you right now.
35:06
And that's some bullshit. So It's fine. Let's
35:09
try this again.
35:13
She said
35:14
respectfully.
35:22
Yeah. I guess, you know,
35:24
the same skills
35:25
a submissive needs or any kinks tree needs,
35:27
a dominant needs. I think a dominant just
35:30
needs to be careful that they you don't
35:33
hide behind your authority
35:35
to and use that as a means to
35:37
not
35:38
effectively communicate when things are tough. It's real
35:41
easy to talk when we're planning a scene
35:43
when it's about to get kinky in here.
35:44
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's that's easy and great
35:46
sometimes.
35:47
But it gets harder when it's like, oh,
35:49
shit. This brought up some feelings for me.
35:51
Or, oh, I'm not feeling confident in myself
35:54
as a dom or, oh, my mental health
35:55
has taken a fucking dive, and I can't
35:57
be the dom that I think that you
36:00
think I'm supposed to be. And that's another
36:02
trap because we all get into it. It's
36:04
a people thing. Yeah. You have
36:07
a belief in your head of what my
36:09
expectation is of you.
36:11
Right? And vice versa. I'm sure. And vice
36:14
versa.
36:15
And so
36:16
when some some dumb out there doesn't wanna
36:19
have to talk or admit something,
36:21
what you are thinking of is letting down
36:24
a version of me
36:26
that sees a version of you, and neither
36:29
of those exist.
36:32
In our relationship, because every relationship is different,
36:35
in our relationship, I want you to be
36:37
the best you you can be, and what
36:39
I want is a fully engaged and connected
36:42
JP. I kinda don't care what flavor I'm
36:44
getting at any point.
36:46
I want you to be
36:48
as healthy
36:49
and as happy as circumstances
36:52
will allow.
36:54
I'm not talking false positivity and bullshit stuff,
36:56
but just like I want you to I
36:58
wanna be in the thick of it with
37:00
you. So if you're going through it,
37:02
I want you to talk to me about
37:04
it. I can't fix it, but I
37:06
it's a trust thing. It's a vulnerability thing.
37:09
It's a connection thing,
37:10
and it's a oh oh, he's got that
37:13
tone. Oh, he heard that thing, and now
37:16
he's got this facial expression. And I know
37:18
what the fuck is going on because here's
37:19
what happens because it happens to everybody.
37:22
You don't tell me what's on your mind,
37:23
and I come tiptoeing through the tulips into
37:26
your land mines.
37:27
And now we're arguing,
37:29
and I'm like, what is happening
37:33
here? And that can we are long past
37:36
the point of those kinds of things damaging
37:38
a relationship.
37:39
Early days, it can. Yes. And from a
37:42
submissive perspective, if I'm trying to be my
37:44
best submissive self to my dom
37:48
and I'm
37:49
doing the things I agreed to do that
37:50
we negotiated,
37:51
and I'm trying to be a person that
37:54
my dom can be vulnerable and open with,
37:57
and my dom is shutting things down within
38:00
themself and will not talk about stuff. And
38:01
I just come do to do to do.
38:03
I'd like to like, what about this, daddy?
38:05
And that
38:06
hits you just wrong because of a thing
38:08
you're going through that I don't know about.
38:11
Now I'm left and you have the blow
38:13
up. Right? You react and it feels
38:17
out of character. It feels like it's too
38:20
big, too much. What the fuck's going on
38:21
here? Right? Like, because I don't understand.
38:23
Now I'm walking away going, what? Did am
38:26
I did I fuck up? Is something wrong
38:28
with me? Is something wrong with us?
38:30
Lack of communication all the way around on
38:32
both sides of the slash can just it
38:34
it just fucks shit up. It does. But
38:37
doms are just uniquely positioned that it is
38:40
easier for you to shut down communication
38:43
when you don't wanna talk about that thing
38:44
you're going through. Yep. Mhmm.
38:48
Mhmm.
38:50
Okay.
38:51
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
38:54
So any other thoughts that you have about
38:57
communication as a dominant?
39:00
I I would have to say, I think,
39:02
you know,
39:04
it it is it is difficult.
39:07
It is not as easy as it sounds
39:10
to say, you know, well, you know, just
39:11
just say what's on your mind, say what
39:13
you're thinking, say what you feel. Yeah.
39:16
Not always all that easy. Mhmm. Well, just
39:18
like I say about you, you know, the
39:20
reason I can say the shit is because
39:22
you have you are a safe person for
39:24
me to be that way with. Yeah. Dominance
39:27
you need that you need me to be
39:28
a safe person for you to be able
39:30
to do that. And and if
39:33
a dominant has a has a partner that
39:35
is not safe for them to be fully
39:37
themselves,
39:40
that that's a time for a check-in.
39:42
Mhmm. What is happening here? Right?
39:45
And
39:47
I'm gonna say something that is true of
39:49
all people, but because we've seen some put
39:52
air quotes around these doms,
39:55
sometimes
39:56
you're not finding somebody who's safe to be
39:58
yourself with because yourself is shitty. And and
40:01
the people are going, no. That's you're a
40:02
shitty human being. No. Don't don't tell me
40:05
that awful thing. What the hell?
40:08
So, I mean, there does for all people
40:11
of all roles
40:12
in all all walks of life, there should
40:15
be some introspection of, wait. But but am
40:17
I actually an okay human being?
40:23
Yeah. I think that's always that's always worth,
40:25
you know, exploring a little bit. Yeah.
40:28
Yeah. But, you know, to to think of,
40:32
you know, the fact that in in a
40:33
DS relationship, you'd say, well, you know, it
40:36
it's on the submissive to
40:38
communicate,
40:40
and and, you know,
40:41
no, it's not.
40:43
It it gonna have it going both ways.
40:45
Mhmm.
40:46
I agree. And, you know, both both sides
40:48
need to be able to communicate.
40:50
I I agree. And I think,
40:52
rightly, wrongly, maybe it's neutral. I don't know.
40:54
I think we put a lot of pressure
40:55
on doms to be the ones to pull
40:57
that out of submissives.
40:59
And in some cases, that that can be
41:01
that's how that's gonna happen because maybe that's
41:03
that dominant has more confidence, has more experience,
41:08
has just had
41:10
maybe not better relationship experiences, but different ones.
41:13
So the things that the dominant might deal
41:15
with as insecurities
41:16
are not reflected in
41:18
in negotiating the dynamic.
41:21
But I think it's important for submissives to
41:23
remember that that potential dom
41:26
has their own shit.
41:28
And you'll have your own insecurities. You'll have
41:31
your own struggles. There will be things that
41:32
will be hard for you
41:34
to say. Mhmm.
41:36
You know? And they're you're not solving that
41:38
in month 1, year 1,
41:41
decade 1. Okay? This is No. No. No.
41:43
A very, like, step by step, inch by
41:46
inch, long term project.
41:49
Yeah. I mean,
41:50
you know, even after all these years that
41:52
we've been, you know, the time we've been
41:53
together,
41:55
we're still both working on it. Mhmm.
41:58
Mhmm.
41:59
You know, the the sucky part though,
42:02
and this gets into all kinds of things
42:04
that are outside of the scope of this
42:06
topic on communication, but I think it all
42:08
kind of plays a role,
42:11
is that some of the expectations
42:13
that a dom has for themself or that
42:16
others place upon them
42:19
is
42:21
will fuck everything up. And what I mean
42:23
by that is you might have a like,
42:25
I'm not. I'm not. But if I, as
42:27
the submissive I am today,
42:29
went out there
42:31
into the world to negotiate
42:34
another dynamic with a dom. Mhmm. I can't
42:36
even fucking imagine right now, but whatever.
42:40
I know
42:41
and I it's okay. I'm not mad about
42:43
this, but I know I would be a
42:44
turn off to certain doms, not we're talking
42:47
outside of the physical whatever, outside of the
42:49
dynamic. Because I'll be that assertive submissive who's
42:51
like, okay. Here's how I I roll. Does
42:54
this work for you? And I'm a be
42:55
like, but also I expect you to talk
42:57
to me. Why aren't you talking to me?
42:59
And there are dominants
43:00
for all kinds of reasons
43:03
who
43:04
look at that as a challenge and as
43:06
disrespect
43:08
instead of it being a, hey. I'm your
43:11
equal here. Right. Once we negotiate this, honey,
43:14
I'll call you anything but a child of
43:16
god. What are you into? Let's do this
43:18
thing.
43:19
But until then,
43:21
we will speak like equals, and I have
43:22
thoughts and I have questions. Right. And there's
43:25
such a
43:27
yes. There are doms who would who would
43:29
take that in a heartbeat and be like,
43:30
hell, yeah. Let's do this. Mhmm.
43:32
I think you are not the rule, though.
43:34
I think it takes a lot of confidence
43:37
to feel like you are being
43:40
approached in a certain way because there are
43:43
stereotypes that we all carry stereotypes in our
43:45
head. We if you wanna fight against them,
43:47
it is something you have to work on.
43:49
Mhmm. And so there are doms out there
43:51
who
43:52
will actually, I think, because I've seen it
43:54
happen,
43:55
will pull back from a submissive who communicates
43:58
too much, who is too direct, who has
44:00
too many questions, who has a high expectation
44:04
that they will get information they are seeking.
44:06
And I don't mean
44:07
from the the fake poser doms who who
44:10
don't wanna actually do the work,
44:12
but from a dom who,
44:15
you know, has this expectation of what that
44:17
means to be a dom,
44:19
and
44:21
us assertive types
44:23
don't fit that. And I'm not saying, like,
44:26
assertive types have to be accepted by all
44:28
doms. I just think that if you were
44:30
a dom who is immediately put off by
44:32
a submissive who will be like,
44:34
hey. I have expectations of you too. Let's
44:37
talk. I just want you to do I
44:39
just want you to look within about why
44:42
that might be. That's all I'm saying. But
44:45
that's not really about communication. That's about stereotypes
44:47
of and cliches and and things that people
44:51
sometimes believe about what it means to be
44:52
a dom and what it means to be
44:54
a submissive. Mhmm. And I am happy to
44:56
smash down some of those beliefs like the
44:58
kool aid, ma'am.
45:00
Oh, yeah.
45:02
Because I I have 0 fucks to give
45:05
when it comes to that. Yeah. Part of
45:07
that is because I am fully accepted by
45:09
you. You know who I am as your
45:11
submissive. You know who I am as a
45:13
human being. Yep. And you're like, yep. I
45:16
I did sign up for this.
45:20
I I I Chipped and all. Like What
45:23
have I done? I'm in.
45:25
So
45:27
yeah.
45:28
Yeah. Anything else you'd
45:31
you wanna add? I don't think so. I
45:33
don't have anything. Could could I? Sure. Sure.
45:35
Sure. I always can. I don't have anything
45:37
else. I really wanted to hear what you
45:38
had to think more than anything. I know.
45:40
I only had three thoughts in my head
45:42
for this topic. So I was like, if
45:43
I can get those out, we're good.
45:46
It's also hot as shit today. And and
45:48
I I know. You bought the air. You
45:50
did all the things. I did all the
45:51
things to make it as comfortable as I
45:53
could. Yeah. So we will do a bonus
45:55
section, but we will
45:57
we will wrap this up. K. So,
46:01
are we good? I don't know.
46:04
Keep it kinky, y'all. We'll see you next
46:07
week.
46:17
Dottie.
46:18
Yes, baby girl. What the fuck is happening
46:20
to us?
46:24
I don't know what you mean.
46:26
We are struggling.
46:28
Yeah.
46:29
Can we talk to the crickets though?
46:32
Talk to the crickets. Okay. I'm sweaty right
46:34
now, y'all.
46:35
I I also okay. So I
46:38
I got I don't
46:40
I don't get bored with the podcast. That
46:42
has never happened, not once in all these
46:43
fucking years. But I got bored with our
46:45
7 PM livestream
46:49
time fairly quickly. But I also knew, practically
46:52
speaking, why we were not streaming at noon
46:54
because it was summertime in this room and
46:55
it was hot as shit. So it's been
46:57
kind of exciting to stream podcast listeners. This
47:00
doesn't affect you. The podcast still comes out
47:01
when the podcast comes out. But
47:04
it was kind of exciting today to stream
47:06
earlier because we're gonna go be good parents
47:08
tonight and watch a kid perform.
47:11
And it's like a studio recital. So it's,
47:13
like, small and intimate and, like, I'll actually
47:15
see this child and hear his instrument. It's
47:17
very exciting.
47:19
So it was kind of exciting to change
47:21
the time, but it has also stressed me
47:22
the fuck out. I have no sense of
47:24
time. I don't everything I thought I had
47:27
more time this morning. I went get my
47:29
birthday
47:30
drink
47:30
from Starbucks, and then I was like, oh,
47:32
I'll help my daddy out, and I'll go
47:34
get gas because I had 12¢ off at
47:36
7:11.
47:38
And then I'm coming home and I'm like,
47:39
oh, shit. We stream in just over an
47:44
hour. I was all sorts of time. Mhmm.
47:46
And you were like you had I'd text
47:48
you to say I was leaving, and you
47:49
went you text me back. I'm like, okay.
47:51
When you get home Mhmm. Meet me out
47:53
in the little shop. Yep. And for a
47:55
second,
47:56
I went, what does he need me out
47:57
there for? And then the other second was,
47:59
oh, I know what I was supposed to
48:00
be out there for.
48:02
But then I was on my quest to
48:04
get an overpriced coffee and some gas, and
48:07
so forgot about it.
48:09
And this is how antsy this man was.
48:11
I pull up. I sit in the car
48:13
because I was finishing posting a story to
48:16
the Kinkery's Instagram
48:18
story.
48:18
Oh my god. Yeah.
48:20
And I'm like, okay. I need to go
48:22
get in. And I'm looking at the tongue
48:23
going, oh, shit. I really need to get
48:24
in. And JB is at the door going,
48:27
we don't have a lot of time, but
48:29
I've got a plan. And he's not saying
48:30
anything.
48:31
And I'm like,
48:33
is this what I think it is? No.
48:35
Yeah? No.
48:37
I'm so weird. Next thing I know,
48:40
I'm bent over in the little shop having
48:43
my ass beat. It was to life.
48:46
It was one of the fastest birthday spin
48:48
I ever had.
48:49
That that was a quick one. That was
48:51
a quick one. We we we were very
48:53
fast. We were running out of time because
48:55
I still needed to shower. I needed to
48:56
eat and yep. It was a quick it
48:59
was a quick one, but an effective one.
49:00
It was. It was. And
49:02
I was able to stay on task after
49:04
that, quite frankly.
49:05
Yep. Yep. Yep. So, yeah, it's kind of
49:07
a low key birthday, and I'm I'm fine
49:08
with that. Yeah. It's I know. My mid
49:11
forties. It's not like it's a Yeah.
49:13
You know? And it it it's been a
49:15
busy
49:16
week.
49:17
It's only Wednesday.
49:19
Wednesday. Oh my god. Well and that's we've
49:21
had all kinds of stuff. So Yeah. I
49:23
mean, we celebrated our wedding anniversary on Monday.
49:26
We had a date night. It was delightful.
49:28
Very low key, but it was very nice.
49:30
It was wonderful. It was such a nice
49:32
evening. It was.
49:33
We actually did a good job of, like,
49:35
just putting our fucking phones down. Yep.
49:38
And then Tuesday,
49:39
was interrupted because we had our Doctors. Our
49:42
doctor's appointment. See, we're now of an age
49:44
and with enough medications, we don't just go
49:47
once a year. We have to go twice
49:49
a year. No. I'm just saying gotta check
49:51
everything because Yep. I'm now taking, like, a
49:53
small handful of medications.
49:55
So they're like, let's check your blood. And
49:57
I'm I'm
49:58
starting to look down that scope. Right. You
50:00
are doing fairly well though. You you are
50:03
you are less than I am, and you
50:05
are much older.
50:07
But it was like we both had to
50:08
talk about dose increases and changes and what's
50:10
not we love our doctor. She's amazing. She's
50:12
a person who actually listens. Yes. Does not
50:15
discount anything we say. She just, like, either
50:17
gently correct or will actually validate and go,
50:20
actually, yes, and blah blah blah. Here's what
50:21
you need now. So but that took, like,
50:24
part of our day in the middle.
50:27
And now today is, like
50:29
and JB had even said, I think for
50:31
your birthday, don't do too much. And I
50:33
went,
50:34
okay. Okay. That's fine. And I agreed.
50:37
And then I looked at the calendar.
50:39
I was like, okay. I'll process orders first
50:41
thing in the morning. My favorite literally y'all,
50:43
business wise, this is one of my favorite
50:44
things to do. Let me let me box
50:46
some orders, please.
50:48
And then I was like, okay. We've got
50:49
the stream. That's fine. And then at some
50:52
point between Monday and today, I was like,
50:54
and also I have about 3 videos we
50:56
need to record. So so glad we're taking
50:58
it
51:00
easy. Yeah. Yeah. Because we forget how time
51:03
works.
51:04
We could've we could've made at least
51:07
2 of these videos at any point previous
51:10
to today. True. True. We did
51:12
not. And Lola agrees. Right. She says we
51:15
should actually look at a calendar more often.
51:18
Let me see if she wants to go
51:19
out. But yeah. So tonight,
51:21
the 19 year old has, like I said,
51:23
a performance,
51:24
and it's much earlier. It's not like a
51:25
full blown concert, and those are usually 7
51:27
something at night. This is, like, 5 o'clock
51:30
in the afternoon.
51:32
Time. So I was like, okay. So I
51:34
guess we're having my birthday dinner in Gainesville
51:37
because we'll already be there.
51:39
So the 19 year old, I had said,
51:41
hey. Are you gonna,
51:42
you know, have dinner with us? I don't
51:44
know where we're gonna go, but, you know,
51:45
we're gonna we'll do that.
51:47
He goes, oh, no. They're having a potluck
51:49
reception thing, and I wanna go hang out
51:51
with the homies. And I was like, okay.
51:52
Like, I, like, it's fine. I'd if he
51:55
didn't have a performance, he wouldn't have been
51:56
here on my birthday anyway, so it's no
51:58
big deal.
51:59
Then he sends me a text. Not a
52:01
happy birthday text.
52:03
A
52:04
this is word for word. Dinner tonight, queen?
52:08
I was like,
52:10
I was like, I thought you had a
52:11
thing. I was like, but, of course, if
52:13
you wanna come to dinner with us, you're
52:14
more than welcome to. And he goes, oh,
52:16
I need to go check on that thing,
52:18
don't I? I was like, I don't know.
52:20
I don't know.
52:21
Even I've got the social life. I'm just
52:23
trying to get, like,
52:24
college town Mexican food or something. I don't
52:27
know what we're having, but
52:29
I don't know. It is wild.
52:32
And yet it already feels like Friday to
52:33
me. Mhmm. It does. Podcast listeners, it's hilarious
52:36
that you're like, but it is Friday.
52:38
Not to me. Not right now.
52:40
No. No.
52:42
Yeah. And and Monday, we had a really
52:44
nice time. We did. We, went out for
52:46
dinner. Mhmm.
52:48
Had had a nice dinner at, Italian restaurant.
52:52
Mhmm.
52:53
And We each dressed cute. We did.
52:57
We did.
52:58
And,
53:00
then we went to Barnes and Noble's
53:02
Mhmm.
53:03
And hung out looking at books. Just walked
53:05
I walked every book table.
53:07
Mhmm. And some actually sounded good, and I
53:09
was like, let me see if it's on
53:10
on Kindle Unlimited, or if I can get
53:12
it for, like, can I read it on
53:15
my phone?
53:18
Yeah. And I I ducked in the back
53:20
for a while to look at the,
53:22
vinyl albums and Mhmm.
53:24
Mhmm.
53:25
Yep.
53:27
Don't do that. And then we went for
53:29
dessert. Mhmm.
53:31
And I I I did my research before
53:34
our anniversary.
53:35
This is our 7th wedding anniversary.
53:37
Right.
53:38
Will I remember that next year is our
53:40
8th? Probably not. Probably not. Probably not. I'll
53:42
have to go look it up again. Not
53:43
unless we put it in the calendar now.
53:46
Why would we do something like that? Crazy
53:49
crazy taught. Crazy taught.
53:51
So
53:52
yeah.
53:53
Yeah. Mhmm.
53:55
So
53:56
but yeah. It was a good time. Mhmm.
53:58
It was a very good time.
54:00
Yep. But other than that, just same old,
54:02
same old. Mhmm.
54:04
And tonight I'll be driving. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
54:07
You will. Yeah. Well, because on the way
54:09
there, there'll be so much traffic that I'll
54:11
get nobody wants me driving when I'm anxious
54:14
and there's traffic. And then on the way
54:15
back, the sun will have gone down.
54:18
And I don't know if it's my prescription.
54:20
I don't know if it's age. I don't
54:22
I don't know. But driving at night has
54:24
become
54:24
a nightmare.
54:25
Like, I'm just I'm just not doing it
54:27
if I don't have to.
54:30
Even when it's a just an empty road,
54:32
I'm like, yeah. But
54:34
which way are we going, and what I
54:36
what is the road doing?
54:39
No, dude. I don't know. I don't know.
54:42
I'm sure I would benefit from pharmaceuticals of
54:45
some kind.
54:48
Just not fair right now.
54:51
So yeah.
54:52
So, yeah.
54:54
This is 45, if you wondered.
55:00
I
55:02
I won't say, like, my forties have sucked.
55:04
Man, there's been some suckage in life. And
55:06
has it been in the first half of
55:09
my forties? Yes. So I am hopeful that
55:11
the second half of my forties, it's just
55:13
up from here is is what I'm hopeful
55:14
for.
55:18
But yeah.
55:24
Yeah. I got nothing. I'm I'm sweaty right
55:26
now. It is. It it's it's very warm
55:28
in here. I'm being reminded why we changed
55:30
our schedule in the first place. Right. See.
55:34
See.
55:35
No. I know. It's yeah.
55:38
We're,
55:39
we we had 2 days
55:42
of absolutely beautiful
55:44
weather. Glorious weather.
55:46
We turned the AC off, opened the windows,
55:49
and oh my god, it was it was
55:51
beautiful.
55:52
And and then summer came back.
55:55
Less of a vengeance. Less of with less
55:57
of a vengeance, but it's still Yeah. But
55:59
still Even this morning, we went for our
56:00
stupid walk for our stupid mental health, and
56:03
I don't I was not cool, like, chilly,
56:05
like, you know, somebody give me a long
56:07
sleeve shirt, but it was so pleasant. I
56:09
was like, I I could be out here
56:11
this all day. That was 7 o'clock this
56:13
morning. 10 o'clock this morning,
56:15
I left to go run my errands, and
56:17
I walked out the front door, and I
56:20
was like, I am immediately sticky and hot.
56:23
What is happening here?
56:24
Yeah.
56:26
Oh. We got faux fall for 2 whole
56:27
days.
56:29
Oh, and we we had a a a
56:31
very,
56:33
interesting thing happen with Onyx.
56:36
Oh my god. We well, we learned that
56:39
she likes the indoor cat life. Thank god.
56:41
She she likes the indoor
56:43
cat life, and,
56:44
she,
56:47
apparently, she wants to be with us. Yeah.
56:50
We are the best alternative
56:52
for her.
56:53
So,
56:55
yesterday, I went out and checked the mail,
56:57
came back in, and apparently, I did not
56:59
close the garage or the front door as
57:02
well as I thought I did. Mhmm. And,
57:05
I plopped down on the couch,
57:07
joined Lola for a nap,
57:09
and
57:13
in in between it, you were like
57:17
That's a kid in the kitchen. Sorry. And,
57:21
you know, you're like, I hear this noise.
57:23
I hear a noise. It's by the front
57:24
door and it Yeah. It's like a sound.
57:27
And I'm like, what is happening? Yeah. And
57:30
finally, you get up and go look. I
57:32
get up and go look and I see
57:33
that the front door is cracked.
57:35
Mhmm.
57:36
And and I go to the door, and
57:39
I look out the little side window,
57:41
and I see onyx.
57:42
No. No. No. You've got the steps wrong.
57:44
First, you saw that the door was open,
57:46
and you closed it. And you went, oh,
57:48
shit. I can't believe I left the door
57:50
open. That's that's right. Come back to the
57:52
couch, and I'm I hear the scrabbling noise.
57:55
Yes. And I'm like, we don't have any
57:57
toys or scratchy things Mm-mm.
57:59
In the foyer. Why am I so I
58:01
I get up, and I don't see anybody
58:03
in the area. I'm definitely hearing a scrabbling
58:05
noise. Yeah. And so we hear it a
58:07
second time, and that's when we gotta That's
58:08
when I got to go look. To go
58:10
look, and and I saw Onyx down at
58:12
the end of the the walkway.
58:16
I opened up the door.
58:18
I didn't know what she was gonna do.
58:19
She was gonna run. I I, you know,
58:21
turned the knob and opened the door. She
58:23
saw that door open.
58:25
She bolted
58:27
in the house. She bolted.
58:29
I mean, she came in so fast and
58:31
headed right for our bedroom and into her
58:33
closet. Mhmm. Mhmm.
58:35
Her tail was all puffed up. She was
58:37
it was a traumatic experience for her. Yes.
58:40
So
58:41
Yep. So
58:42
but, yeah, it was
58:46
interesting to say the least. And, yeah, apparently,
58:48
she she she chose us. She came right
58:51
back in. Didn't want nothing to do with
58:53
that big big wide outside.
58:55
Well, I'm pretty sure if we had not
58:57
figured it out soon enough, she'd have been
58:59
like, I guess I'll take my chances.
59:03
She's chipped. Thank God. The problem is I
59:05
don't know if anybody could catch her because
59:07
she's so damn skittish.
59:10
Yeah. But, yeah, she was like, no. No.
59:12
I'm home. Let me in, please. And see,
59:14
that was the scrabbling. It was her going,
59:15
hello? Hello?
59:17
Can I come back inside now? Yeah.
59:20
Whoops. We're sorry. Apparently, Ella
59:24
is here last. She Look. Ella knows where
59:27
her 2 squares on a car. She is
59:30
not
59:31
going no damn way.
59:34
She is not. And even even Lola, apparently,
59:37
she, you know, she was content to be
59:39
up on the sofa with me. She didn't
59:40
wanna go anywhere. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
59:43
No. But onyx is our,
59:47
our loyal adventurer.
59:49
You know, there there was a time I
59:51
left the garage door open.
59:53
The door from the laundry room to the
59:55
garage. The main garage door was down. Yeah.
59:57
The the main big door was down. But,
59:59
yeah, the the door from the laundry room
1:00:01
into the garage,
1:00:02
and,
1:00:03
she found her way out there. She sure
1:00:05
and then wanted to get back went got
1:00:07
her back in and closed the door. And
1:00:09
and it was funny because when when she
1:00:11
came in from the garage,
1:00:14
her ears and her whiskers, cobwebs and She
1:00:17
got into every crevice. She must have been
1:00:19
in every
1:00:21
crack and crevice she could fit in. Yep.
1:00:24
And then she is the reason that we
1:00:26
don't have good weather stripping around that door
1:00:28
anymore because she wanted to go back into
1:00:30
the garage
1:00:31
and clawed
1:00:33
at the door, and there was weather stripping
1:00:34
there that's
1:00:35
now not there. Yep. Thanks, Onyx.
1:00:38
I love you too.
1:00:40
Mhmm. That No. Yeah. That was our Onyx
1:00:43
adventure.
1:00:44
Mhmm. Mhmm.
1:00:47
So Oh, anyway. Yep.
1:00:49
That's us. Mhmm.
1:00:53
Yeah. That's it. Yeah. Thanks for being here.
1:00:56
Uh-huh. Especially to to the better end. Yeah.
1:00:59
We'll be back next week for livestream. It'll
1:01:02
be at a time. I just don't know
1:01:04
what time. Yeah. Me neither. We gotta figure
1:01:07
that out. And, yeah. We'll talk to y'all
1:01:10
soon. Mhmm. Okay. Bye. Bye.