Latest / The Woo Report: Everyday Spirituality / 18. Trauma-Informed Healing with Halli Faulkner

Transcript

18. Trauma-Informed Healing with Halli Faulkner · The Woo Report: Everyday Spirituality

• 0:00
  Content warning.
• 0:02
  This episode includes a discussion of sexual trauma and childhood sexual abuse.
• 0:10
  Trauma wears many faces.
• 0:13
  It can be loud and life altering or quiet and long buried.
• 0:19
  It might stem from experiences like sexual trauma or childhood assaults, or from subtle, chronic forms of harm, neglect, shame, abandonment.
• 0:31
  Regardless of how it begins.
• 0:33
  Trauma often takes root in the body.
• 0:37
  It stays with us, tucked in our nervous system, shaping how we move through the world.
• 0:43
  Even when we don't consciously remember or recognize it.
• 0:48
  Healing from trauma is not linear.
• 0:51
  It's not easy.
• 0:52
  Sometimes it means facing the very pain we've spent a lifetime trying to forget.
• 0:59
  But healing is not just for us.
• 1:01
  It's also for the collective.
• 1:04
  Every time we choose to do the work, to release what we've held on to for too long, we create ripples.
• 1:14
  When we free ourselves, we help free each other.
• 1:20
  This is how we begin to shift the world.
• 1:24
  One body, one heart.
• 1:26
  One truth at a time.
• 1:29
  In today's episode, my courageous friend Holly Faulkner, a survivor of childhood sexual assault, is sharing her journey in the hopes it will create a safer world for our children in the hopes it will help others navigate their own healing.
• 1:48
  Hayley is making a huge impact helping women heal.
• 1:53
  She's found purpose in providing trauma informed trainings and healing yoga workshops for sexual assault survivors.
• 2:03
  This episode is offered with deep care and respect.
• 2:07
  If you've experienced trauma, know that you are not alone, you are not broken, and healing is possible.
• 2:21
  Hi, I'm Laura Scar Patty, filmmaker and woowoo enthusiast here today.
• 2:27
  To cut through the noise, pull back the veil, and cozy up in the space between reality and spirituality.
• 2:34
  Thanks for listening to the Woo report! I usually like to do like a mantra to tune in and then, I'm totally flexible and excited to talk to you.
• 2:49
  Oh my gosh.
• 2:50
  Well, yeah, I want to do let's let's tune in.
• 2:53
  Let's drop in with everyone listening.
• 2:55
  This is a mantra that my teacher, Krishna Kar, taught to me and shared with me.
• 3:00
  it's from the Kundalini tradition.
• 3:02
  It's in a language called Gir monkey.
• 3:04
  And it, helps us tune in with the divine chain of teachers and this kind of like flow of wisdom that, is throughout time and also within ourselves.
• 3:16
  And, I like to say it's a full wisdom that's throughout and beyond time.
• 3:22
  so it's right here, right now and also boundless.
• 3:26
  so the words are Ong Namo, guru of Namo.
• 3:30
  I'll chant it three times.
• 3:31
  Feel free to just listen or hum along or even tune me out if you'd like.
• 3:34
  And then space is ours.
• 3:37
  I'll bring my hands to prayer pose and kind of find a nice resting spot there in the center of my chest, noticing about three breaths.
• 3:58
  And I'll inhale, exhale.
• 4:04
  Inhale.
• 4:05
  To begin.
• 4:08
  Om namo Gurudeva namo.
• 4:19
  Namo guru.
• 4:22
  Gurudeva namo ung namo.
• 4:32
  Guru. Day.
• 4:36
  Namo.
• 4:46
  Thank you.
• 4:49
  I mean, I could sit there and do that and listen to you do that for another hour.
• 4:56
  That's nice.
• 4:56
  That was so beautiful.
• 4:58
  Yeah. Thank you for that.
• 5:01
  You're welcome.
• 5:02
  Oh my gosh.
• 5:03
  Okay. Halie, thank you for being here on the report today.
• 5:10
  it means so much to me that you, you know, you reach out after the first episode and said that it spoke to you and that's the whole point of this podcast.
• 5:21
  And I know that you are on a journey doing the work.
• 5:25
  And, I'm really looking forward to reconnecting with you and getting into it.
• 5:31
  And just for context on how we met, you grew up with my husband, Matt, and, he tells the story, you know, like it's a prize, but he's like, how?
• 5:42
  He was my first kiss in second grade.
• 5:45
  Do you remember it that way, too?
• 5:49
  I remember being in fourth grade.
• 5:51
  And, for the record, it was not my first kiss.
• 5:55
  No, it we did this.
• 5:57
  Yeah, it was his, but not mine.
• 5:58
  Oh, my God.
• 6:01
  I love it.
• 6:02
  Oh, it's so funny.
• 6:04
  and then we were in LA together for a while, like early LA, like fresh off.
• 6:08
  I mean, I was 21, I think when we started hanging out and I.
• 6:14
  What I remember I have a vivid memory of you standing in your apartment where you were telling me about doing teach for America, and it was the first time in my adult, like about, you know, working life where I felt like someone was really passionate and felt full of purpose, and I like it stuck with me.
• 6:40
  I remember being like, oh my gosh, Haley is just like, she's changing the world.
• 6:44
  She's changing the world.
• 6:45
  And I'd never like, you know, I mean, an entertainment just like, you know, not really.
• 6:50
  Not changing the world, just on the red carpet.
• 6:52
  And I remember feeling like, wow, that's so cool that she is doing something that she's so passionate about.
• 7:00
  I appreciate you saying that.
• 7:01
  It's moving to me.
• 7:02
  And also, I, I personally feel like you change the world, with your presence, like you have such a the brightest light, you know?
• 7:14
  And it's.
• 7:15
  You know, the guys that I grew up with, like, I was protective of them, Matt included. Right.
• 7:21
  My my first boyfriend and, but I never really, you know, I always trusted Matt with you and, like, trusted his heart with you.
• 7:32
  And I think because you have that, like, kind and loving presence, which really makes a difference for people, myself included.
• 7:41
  Thank you. That's so nice.
• 7:43
  I know, I felt like we were just like, we are such babies out there in LA that.
• 7:47
  We certainly didn't think we were babies.
• 7:51
  We were like, I felt great.
• 7:53
  Oh yeah, we are so cool.
• 7:55
  We are.
• 7:55
  And we are doing the thing we are like running from loft to Santa Monica to party.
• 8:04
  There was soft.
• 8:05
  Yeah, there was that loft.
• 8:06
  That loft up there. That loft.
• 8:08
  Yeah. Crazy things happen of there.
• 8:10
  what a good time.
• 8:11
  Okay, so, you know, I love reconnecting with you now, and it's been a long time.
• 8:17
  And, you know, when I asked you to send to your bio, you sent it over, and the first thing that I read in your bio, you start with, I felt terrible for most of my life.
• 8:28
  And by my late 20s, I had built a life that looked good on the outside, but my insides and my personal life were falling apart.
• 8:35
  And so I really want to get into what that means to you and why that was happening.
• 8:40
  And I don't think that you're alone in that.
• 8:41
  I think a lot of people wake up and are like, what am I doing?
• 8:46
  Yeah, in a job they don't like.
• 8:48
  And they get that promotion and it looks good.
• 8:49
  But like, do they really like that job and do they really want to be spending their time doing it?
• 8:53
  So take us on the journey and what was going on.
• 8:58
  Yeah.
• 8:59
  Oh. So I'm like where does the journey start?
• 9:08
  You know, I'm sharing this in hopes that it will, be supportive, right.
• 9:13
  For other women who have had similar experiences to mine.
• 9:20
  I identify, like, very openly as a survivor, as a sexual assault survivor.
• 9:27
  both because it's important to me to be honest about my life in myself and my lived experience.
• 9:32
  And also because, and the second piece is becomes more and more important to me.
• 9:39
  because by saying it, I make space for other people to say it and own it and be honest about it.
• 9:48
  and I have a five year old daughter, and I think the more honest we are about the fact that 1 in 3 women has experienced sexual trauma, actually, the safer world we create for our, our daughters.
• 10:02
  Right.
• 10:03
  There's a little bit of a paradoxical thing, right?
• 10:05
  Where it's like, if we talk, if we talk about it more, it's actually going to happen less.
• 10:10
  so that's part of the reason, right?
• 10:11
  That I'm, that I'm here, that I'm open about it, that I share my story.
• 10:15
  And so my story really starts when I was about three years old.
• 10:21
  and from, from that age till I was about eight years old, I was abused by my dad.
• 10:26
  And, you know, it was so hard because it was in my house.
• 10:30
  So it it was a violation of my body, but also a violation of my house.
• 10:33
  Right.
• 10:33
  Which should have been a safe place, where I of course, I wanted it to be a safe place.
• 10:39
  Right.
• 10:39
  I deserve for it to be a safe place. And, you know, when I, when I got to be a little bit older, right?
• 10:46
  Like, nine, ten ish, I.
• 10:48
  And the abuse stopped.
• 10:49
  I kind of not consciously, I think unconsciously just put it in a box.
• 10:54
  Right.
• 10:54
  Like I even remember this teacher actually once in fifth grade, like pulling me aside in the playground.
• 11:00
  I mean, like, it's everything okay?
• 11:01
  Like, you know, you seem like you're upset and like, no, I'm good.
• 11:05
  Ran away from my teacher, right?
• 11:06
  Because the box needed to be tight leash. But, to keep me safe.
• 11:12
  And so, but there was so much in the box, and I think the weight of that box was really what kept me from being happy and experiencing joy and experiencing, you know, the fullness of life.
• 11:28
  And, you know, that's that's really the lived experience of so many trauma survivors.
• 11:33
  Is that because we haven't processed the trauma that we've experienced?
• 11:38
  It weighs us down, right?
• 11:40
  It's like a backpack kind of right.
• 11:42
  That that keeps us from feeling light and alive and full.
• 11:46
  And so, you know, I went through my life and I tried to check the boxes and, I particularly used like, perfectionism and overachieving as, as ways to, try to distract myself from, from the box and distract other people from it.
• 12:03
  So it's like, you know, if I get this fancy degree, I go to this prestigious school, or get this job, and if everything looks okay on the outside, right then, like, no one's going to pay attention to what's happening on the inside, including me.
• 12:17
  but as you said, you know, I got to a point in my life.
• 12:20
  I moved out to California, and I, had some space from my family and my upbringing, and I had the degrees and the job, and I was like, oh, God.
• 12:31
  Like, I actually have to look at myself now.
• 12:33
  And I, also, what also prompted me to look at myself was just my, like, romantic relationships were a nightmare.
• 12:42
  I had always had good friendships, but, you know, any time I tried to become romantically involved with someone, it was.
• 12:48
  I was just, like, the worst picker of all pickers.
• 12:52
  so that.
• 12:54
  Yeah, that's what brought me to the place of, like, wanting to make a shift and wanting to make a change and and, you know, there's this.
• 13:00
  I don't know that astrology that. Well, but there's this idea of, like, a, a shift that happens in your late 20s, early 30s, astrologically.
• 13:10
  so you might know more about that than I do, but, I think there was some of that going on, too, like it was time for a shift.
• 13:17
  Is it called the Saturn Return?
• 13:18
  Oh, yeah.
• 13:19
  Yeah yeah yeah, yeah, I think I think that had something to do with it.
• 13:23
  Hayley, I'm so sorry that you went through all of that.
• 13:26
  How did it start unraveling?
• 13:28
  Was there like, a moment that you remember, or were you what was your first step?
• 13:33
  What did you do?
• 13:36
  That's a good question.
• 13:39
  you know what I think it was?
• 13:40
  I actually never thought about this before.
• 13:45
  there's two things that happen.
• 13:46
  So the first thing is that, I had a memory come back to me, and being abused when I was a kiddo, and I had never really had memories break through before, like, I just had a felt sense, you know, something was off, something bad happened.
• 14:07
  But I never had had, like, memories come through before, and, I this is this happens really common.
• 14:15
  Like, really commonly memory recovery for people who've experienced like severe trauma.
• 14:21
  if you haven't experienced it, it might it might sound weird, but it's it's kind of like the feeling of, like remembering a dream all of a sudden that you had.
• 14:29
  and so anyways, you know, started I had that first memory come through and I could tell, you know, there was more there.
• 14:38
  that was the most important thing. And then, I also this terrible man, this is kind of funny to me.
• 14:47
  asked me to go on, like, this date, quote unquote, which was like a trip to Acapulco.
• 14:52
  Oh, gosh.
• 14:53
  It's like one of those things and like, oh, my 20s.
• 14:57
  yeah.
• 14:57
  I really didn't know him. His.
• 15:00
  I met his mom at a bar in Sacramento, and she was like, you should meet my son.
• 15:03
  And I think I when I met him, like, once.
• 15:06
  And then he was like, let's go to Mexico.
• 15:08
  So I went to Mexico with him, which was a red flag. Right?
• 15:11
  Yeah.
• 15:11
  And I went to Mexico with him for, I think 3 or 4 nights.
• 15:14
  And from the moment the plane landed to the moment we left, he was like drinking liquor out of a bottle, just like wasted, blackout drunk. And, that for me, like, that was like the last straw, of, like, okay, like, I need to figure myself out because the fact that I'm in this situation is, is a red flag for me, right?
• 15:35
  And like the people I'm attracting, the choices I make it in my life. Yes.
• 15:40
  And so what did you do?
• 15:42
  I, started eMDR therapy.
• 15:50
  tell us about that.
• 15:51
  Yeah, I've heard about it, but I don't know that it is very mainstream.
• 15:55
  Okay.
• 15:57
  so it's a very effective therapy for, kind of processing trauma and rewire in the neural pathways, when they've been altered by a traumatic experience.
• 16:13
  So it stands for eye movement desensitization, something like that.
• 16:20
  Eye movement, rapid desensitization.
• 16:22
  I think that's it.
• 16:23
  And basically you either hold tappers in your hands or you move your eyes back and forth in order to connect the left and right sides of the brain, which creates a flow state right.
• 16:32
  When that left and right sides are like working together.
• 16:35
  And and you go essentially you go back to the traumatic experience or experience says, and something about the left and right sides of the brain connecting in that way.
• 16:44
  If you're working with a professional who knows what they're doing, can like really rapidly process the trauma.
• 16:50
  So I started doing that.
• 16:51
  And I will be honest, and that opened up a Pandora's box of like, oh shit.
• 16:56
  Like all these traumatic experiences are coming up that are waiting, right?
• 17:00
  Like waiting to be processed and waiting until I was like in the space where I was ready to experience them.
• 17:08
  but I will say that it's this interesting, mutually beneficial relationship between, like, my yoga and meditation practice, which I had started like a year before eMDR and the eMDR and like those things working together because that my daily yoga and meditation practice, like I had been dabbling since a teenager, since I was a teenager, with yoga and meditation.
• 17:31
  But once I started that daily practice, like no matter what, I wake up every morning and I do it even on the trip with that terrible man, I woke up every morning, right?
• 17:41
  And I was like, looking at the ocean.
• 17:43
  And I was like, okay, like, this is my practice.
• 17:45
  Coming back to myself, starting my day off with myself, right?
• 17:48
  And so like, I think having that practice like down pat after a year that my theory is that, like opened up a portal for me to be like, okay.
• 17:58
  And like now I'm ready to like, do the work of processing the trauma. yes.
• 18:03
  Because you have to have that compassionate relationship with yourself.
• 18:07
  Otherwise things will come up and like, who knows what they'll be shame or guilt or some other emotions that you can't even begin to.
• 18:16
  How are you processing them yourselves?
• 18:17
  Okay, so so with eMDR you have someone there.
• 18:21
  So it's kind of also like therapy.
• 18:23
  It is therapy.
• 18:24
  So there's like a bunch of people across the country if anyone's interested.
• 18:27
  Like you can look up eMDR practitioners and you can find them in most places across the country.
• 18:32
  And there are people who are trained in this technique, that's specifically for processing trauma. Yeah.
• 18:37
  So I found a eMDR therapist I was living in in California, in Sacramento at the time.
• 18:41
  And just like it's so intense, Laura, like basically everyone does it in different ways.
• 18:46
  But the one I started working with, she was like, okay, what's like the worst memory you have?
• 18:50
  Like the one that you can't even bear to be with?
• 18:53
  And that's where we started every session.
• 18:55
  We would have to go back to that memory.
• 18:58
  And the thing is that, for me, like, I had to want my freedom so badly that it was worth doing all of that.
• 19:09
  And even when I was, like, in the thick of it. Right.
• 19:11
  And that eMDR therapy, I could feel a freedom, I could feel a different kind of life.
• 19:17
  I could envision a different kind of life that was like multicolored and joyful and like open.
• 19:23
  That was so different than how I had lived, you know, the 30 years before that.
• 19:28
  And that's like what kept me going.
• 19:30
  Wow, wow.
• 19:32
  So you start unlocking this freedom and you're still doing your meditation, yoga practice.
• 19:41
  So what does this practice look like?
• 19:43
  Like let's get granular about that practice.
• 19:46
  Yeah.
• 19:47
  So my my true love is Kundalini yoga which is again not very mainstream.
• 19:53
  It's it's very low.
• 19:56
  It's very esoteric.
• 19:57
  It's very care for it.
• 20:00
  Energetic Kundalini actually.
• 20:02
  Well first practice on me I would love to do that with you.
• 20:06
  Oh cannot wait.
• 20:08
  We can we can do a vlog. Yeah.
• 20:10
  I think that's what the young people are doing.
• 20:14
  yeah.
• 20:14
  When I come this summer, we'll do it.
• 20:18
  so that's my that's my practice because it changes my life every time I do it.
• 20:23
  It's just like a deeply energetic practice that basically awakens a flow of energy in the spine.
• 20:31
  and not to go into all the details, but especially for a lot for everyone.
• 20:36
  We carry a lot of emotions and traumas in our hips, particularly if we've experienced sexual violence or sexual assault.
• 20:42
  So what Kundalini does is it allows any energy that stuck in the lower chakras to like, rise up.
• 20:48
  Right.
• 20:48
  This is like the high vibration, like the good vibration that like elevated sense of being and like the lower vibrations in the chakras are like just as important.
• 20:57
  Like we need to go to the bathroom every day. We need to digest our food.
• 20:59
  But like, you know, when we get up and like the heart, the throat, the third eye, the crown, like that's when things start feeling really good, at least for me.
• 21:07
  So that's what Kundalini gave me access to. So, my morning practice has obviously changed over the past 11 years since I started it, but at the time it was just like a Kundalini Yoga set and then some like chanting mantra and and some minutes of meditation in the morning.
• 21:27
  And so when you do meditation, how do you drop in?
• 21:30
  Are you starting with gratitude or.
• 21:32
  I feel like people get curious about people's practices.
• 21:36
  Yeah.
• 21:37
  I'm laughing because you're assuming that I do.
• 21:38
  You drop in like, do you meditate?
• 21:41
  So I started to and, that's why I'm just curious, because sometimes it's really hard to to like, you know, untangle all the knots.
• 21:53
  but and some days it's easier.
• 21:56
  And some days I start with gratitude, and some days I usually I'm always staring at my oak tree.
• 22:02
  I have a relationship with my oak tree in the back yard.
• 22:06
  And so that really helps me anchor in, and usually I just talk to her and tell her about how beautiful she is to start.
• 22:14
  And then it kind of pulls me into the present moment because I'm always like, what's next?
• 22:19
  What are we doing?
• 22:20
  I'm room and I'm always ruminating, like, even if I'm not having I don't have any input.
• 22:25
  Like, I'm not just, you know, feeling my feet on the ground like I should be doing or whatever, like, you know, not I should be doing, but I'm not always grounding like that.
• 22:36
  but yeah, sometimes I do really drop in and sometimes I'm like, okay, it's not going to work today, and it involves my life.
• 22:44
  Yeah.
• 22:45
  I mean, so my stepdad, he's been practicing, both psychotherapy and, Zen Buddhist meditation for almost 50 years.
• 22:59
  And so I yeah, I learned a lot from him about being a teacher and a student and a meditator.
• 23:05
  And one thing that he talks about a lot is like, how many bad quote unquote, or like, not dropped in meditations we have to have in order to get one of those good ones, you know what I mean?
• 23:19
  It's and and it's helpful for me because I'm like, there are so many days, like you said, when it's like the monkey mind, the knots of the mind, the rumination, the crazy, like just craziness, right?
• 23:31
  But totally just wants. Out and right.
• 23:33
  And then and if I just keep going through those and just do it anyway, just noticing like my mind is a shit show today.
• 23:40
  Yes. As you know, there will be that day where it's like, it's it's like I see something, I feel something, I know something, right?
• 23:50
  I connect with something.
• 23:51
  So it's like, that's the practice.
• 23:54
  That's how I think about it.
• 23:55
  Yeah.
• 23:56
  It's so good because I've had people ask me offline of this podcast.
• 24:01
  Yeah.
• 24:02
  Like just simply, how do I look inward?
• 24:05
  How do I look in works?
• 24:06
  We keep talking about looking inward, looking inward, looking inward.
• 24:08
  It's like it's it's a big question because how do we look inward?
• 24:11
  It's like, well, we start with noticing.
• 24:14
  We start with noticing our thoughts, and we start with trying to be with our breath and trying to still them as much as you can.
• 24:22
  Yeah.
• 24:23
  but not to shame or, you know, judge your thoughts.
• 24:27
  What they can be, whatever.
• 24:28
  They are.
• 24:28
  But it's tricky when you're not.
• 24:30
  And that's why it is a practice.
• 24:30
  Exactly what you said.
• 24:33
  Yeah, I so the other thing I will say is that, you know, I, I work primarily with sexual assault survivors, women who have experienced sexual violence and sexual trauma. And, it's something that I think usually goes unsaid about yoga and about meditation in particular, is that if we've experienced trauma and it's not processed, our nervous system is constantly on high alert and is like, constantly hyper vigilant.
• 25:01
  So it can actually be like, unhealthy and like, excruciatingly like painful to sit and be still.
• 25:11
  And so, like I always say, when I'm teaching meditation, first of all, I'm like, we're going to do this for three minutes.
• 25:17
  And like if at any point it starts to feel uncomfortable or it's not right for you to stop, just like lie down, put your legs up the wall, or just like, take a break and then come back to it if you feel ready.
• 25:31
  because and, you know, the same goes for yoga.
• 25:33
  It's like certain poses like, don't feel good for our bodies in certain moments.
• 25:37
  And if we're expecting everyone to move in the same way and at the same time and not have choice in what happens to their bodies, we're actually like, re replicating, right?
• 25:48
  The experience of being traumatized or being victimized.
• 25:54
  yes. It all has to feel right and we have to know what feels good also.
• 26:00
  Well yeah, that's I mean that's so much of the work I do with survivors is like, either acquainting ourselves with our bodies for the very first time or reacquainting ourselves with our bodies.
• 26:12
  Right, because a lot of people use dissociation as a coping mechanism, like when we've experienced trauma.
• 26:18
  I was I certainly like was dissociated from my body from the first 30 years of my life.
• 26:23
  Like, I actually didn't know what it felt like to be here in my center rather than outside of my body looking in.
• 26:32
  and so a yoga practice, for example, like gentle movement, can be just one way.
• 26:37
  I mean, there's infinite number of ways yoga or dance or acting or surfing.
• 26:40
  But these physical practices can be one way that people who are dissociate, hated, like I was, can gently start to get to know our bodies.
• 26:48
  And like you said, learn what actually feels good in our bodies, what we actually want for our bodies.
• 26:54
  And I would be remiss if I didn't say that this is, I think, especially important for women because people love to tell us how they think we should look, how they think we should act, how they think our bodies should move, like what we should do with our bodies.
• 27:10
  And when it's like so part of my work is like to create space for us to choose what feels good for our bodies.
• 27:17
  And one, Okay.
• 27:19
  So you find yourself on the other side.
• 27:26
  I again, I think that's generous.
• 27:28
  Is it?
• 27:29
  I mean, so tell me, like, is it still a process?
• 27:32
  Are you like, how does it you did the eMDR and you're not still doing that.
• 27:37
  You feel like that chapter's closed.
• 27:40
  So yeah.
• 27:41
  So I, I would say I did after like a while like 3 or 4, 4 or 5 years of doing eMDR therapy.
• 27:50
  I was then in my mid 30s and I was I was doing eMDR therapy, and I was also alongside of that, like collecting these practices for healing.
• 27:58
  So like eastern books, Western books, like doing chakra work, like working with different practitioners, learning from women like Tarana Burke, who founded the MeToo movement, like collecting all these methods and modalities for healing.
• 28:11
  Right.
• 28:12
  And so there was a certain point in my own healing when I was like, definitely not like I'm healed.
• 28:18
  I reached the finish line, but I was like, I learned enough, and I feel good enough in myself that I actually want to start sharing some of this.
• 28:25
  Like, this stuff is too good not to share.
• 28:28
  So it was like at that point, about five years in that I started, teaching yoga and meditation workshops for sexual assault survivors for women.
• 28:37
  I was living on the West Coast, so I started them in the West Coast at that time, and I was amazed, just like how they filled up, and, and, you know, so many women came who were said, like, I've never seen anything like this before.
• 28:52
  I've always wanted something like this.
• 28:52
  I've never told anyone before.
• 28:55
  I've never been in a room with other survivors before, etc., etc..
• 29:00
  so that was that was a major turning point for me when it was like, okay, I have enough in myself.
• 29:05
  Like my cup is full enough that I want to start, like letting it, letting it pour over a little bit and sharing with humility, what I've learned.
• 29:15
  So before you started sharing with sharing in this way, how did all of this affect your relationships and have your relationship?
• 29:26
  They had to evolve.
• 29:28
  You know, your relationship with your mom, your relationship with your friends, with your significant others.
• 29:35
  Like how did were you ever or were you ever open about it with anyone before?
• 29:39
  Because I know you had mentioned that the box was tight, it was in a box and the box was locked up tight.
• 29:47
  Yeah.
• 29:48
  And I'm just curious if it ever peeked, if anything ever peeked out, if you gave anyone any sense of what was going on.
• 29:57
  I know, because that was how I stayed safe. Right?
• 30:01
  Yeah. I like keeping it a secret.
• 30:03
  Was part of how I stayed safe as a kid, so I just.
• 30:07
  I used that modality until I was 30.
• 30:10
  Right.
• 30:11
  And then I had the tools, and I moved across the country for my family, frankly.
• 30:15
  And I had the tools to be like, okay, like, let me start to open the box.
• 30:19
  But I did slowly and gradually start to, you know, share with people that were closer to me and then share with the people that I was working with and then sharing.
• 30:27
  Now I'm sharing with everyone.
• 30:29
  And like part of the reason I think I said this to you before, but like part of the reason that I share broadly now is because, it's good for me, but it's also good for all of us, like as a mom with a daughter, right?
• 30:40
  Like, I know that the more we talk about sexual assault and sexual abuse now, like actually, the less it will be pervasive in the future.
• 30:49
  So I'm I'm trying to create a world, where we're open so that these cycles can start to end.
• 30:57
  And so you saw classes filling up and then and what type of impact was this making like this has got to be where you like.
• 31:07
  I found my purpose.
• 31:09
  You're like, this is my purpose. Like that.
• 31:11
  I was like, yes.
• 31:14
  I was, yeah.
• 31:15
  And I still, like every time I, you know, lead a workshop or a retreat for survivors.
• 31:20
  And I'm like, in the, in the front of the room, so to speak.
• 31:23
  I'm like, yeah, this is it.
• 31:25
  It's a good feeling. Yes.
• 31:27
  When you were teaching a teach for America like you are, you were changing the world, then you were it lit up.
• 31:35
  Then in a way that I hadn't really felt like lit up about my career on the red carpet.
• 31:43
  But you, it feels right.
• 31:45
  You teaching you in front of a class, you seeing everyone in that class and being able to not only relate, but to help heal them.
• 31:56
  So when when people come to you in, they're doing they you're giving them tools and modalities.
• 32:01
  You're giving them this yoga practice.
• 32:03
  Yeah.
• 32:04
  When you hear like trauma informed healing.
• 32:07
  Yeah.
• 32:07
  Like when you break that down.
• 32:12
  It can be any trauma.
• 32:13
  Like where are how are we figuring out how to heal from our trauma.
• 32:18
  We obviously know, you know, movement.
• 32:21
  Yeah.
• 32:22
  We know meditation.
• 32:24
  We know being able to sit with ourselves probably therapy.
• 32:29
  But how is trauma informed?
• 32:34
  How is that different also than healing from something else like.
• 32:39
  Yeah, it's a really good question guys.
• 32:42
  Get into it.
• 32:42
  I feel like I didn't really ask it well, but.
• 32:46
  We're we're co-creating.
• 32:47
  Co-creating.
• 32:49
  and luckily we've known each other long enough that like, I feel you.
• 32:54
  Yeah.
• 32:56
  so I think there's a couple different pieces to it.
• 32:58
  So I over the years, have come to think of healing as a spiral past and not just like a two dimensional spiral, but like a three dimensional spiral.
• 33:09
  So almost like a spring, like we're just, you know, and you can go in either direction and, like, it can expand out, you can expand in or push in, like, which is to say, and I say that because when I first started going to eMDR therapy, at one point, I asked my therapist, like and I at the halfway point yet, like, I'm not in the beginning anymore, like, am I the middle of the race yet?
• 33:31
  Like, and when will I get to the end of the race? Right.
• 33:33
  And that was, you know, thinking of healing as this flatline, you know, with the beginning, middle and end certainly was not helpful for me.
• 33:42
  And that's why I kind of laugh when you're like, you're on the other side and like, oh, when did I get to the other side?
• 33:46
  Like, oh, why did I cross the finish line?
• 33:49
  Because, you know, it's, it's an onion in a certain way.
• 33:52
  Like, I keep peeling back new, new pieces of myself that want to be healed.
• 34:01
  and so, so that's one piece of it that that framing of healing as a spiral path is helpful for me.
• 34:08
  especially when I get frustrated or impatient as, as a lot of people I work with do.
• 34:14
  and then I would say that, actually, I know it's probably, played out or something at this point, but the body keeps the score on which we can probably put in the in the show notes.
• 34:28
  I think it's a very helpful like overview of like, what is trauma?
• 34:32
  What are different modalities for helping to heal trauma.
• 34:36
  and one of the things that I think that book does well is explain how the nervous system functions, because we really can't, I think, understand trauma without understanding, like the nervous system at a basic level, like right or flight mode, the rest and digest mode.
• 34:51
  And what happens to our, our bodies and our nervous systems, how they're impacted when we experience a traumatic event.
• 34:56
  And also like, like you're saying like looking in yourself, how do I notice when my body's in fight or flight mode?
• 35:02
  What does that actually feel like?
• 35:04
  And what are the tools that I have to shift back into rest and digest if and when I want to, right.
• 35:09
  So because for most people who've experienced traumatic trauma or post-traumatic stress, again, their nervous systems are often constantly in that fight or flight mode without us even knowing that that was certainly how I lived.
• 35:20
  So there is a certain sort of communal aspect to the work that I do with survivors that is also very deeply healing.
• 35:32
  and people find these communities in different ways.
• 35:36
  for example, I watch a documentary about a group of veterans that, like, had started surfing and like, started to heal their post-traumatic stress disorder that way, PTSD through, like just coming together and, you know, learning how to surf together.
• 35:50
  and and like I said, you know, a lot of the women who I work with in, in yoga workshops or yoga retreats have never been with other survivors before.
• 35:59
  sexual violence and sexual assault are usually very isolating experiences for a lot of reasons.
• 36:06
  And so, and particularly for how they are stigmatized and a lot of people don't talk about them, even though it happens to 1 in 3 women.
• 36:16
  so there is a certain sort of healing that comes from just being together, with our experiences, even though the experiences are always different and unique, there is a certain sort of togetherness that I think I know, can be very powerful and healing trauma.
• 36:36
  How has all of this changed your spiritual belief system, or has it?
• 36:44
  I, it's such a good question.
• 36:51
  So I remember when I was really, like 7 or 8 years old and my we went to Idaho every Christmas, most Christmases to visit my grandparents.
• 37:02
  And I remember, I was like, Christmas Eve, and driving down the street, it was like, you know, it was like sunset.
• 37:13
  And the sun was setting behind the mountains in Idaho, and there was like, snow everywhere.
• 37:16
  It was really quiet that like peaceful, snowy feeling.
• 37:19
  And, I remember we drove by a church and there were lights on inside, and I was eight years old and I thought, God, it would really be nice to believe in something like to have that feeling.
• 37:33
  Right.
• 37:33
  And, and I didn't have that feeling that like spiritual connection for a really long time.
• 37:39
  I discovered at first, actually, when I did this is embarrassing.
• 37:43
  And it's like so cliche for a white girl.
• 37:45
  But like when I did a service project in Africa when I was in high school, and there was something about being and like embedded in a really spiritual community that just, like woke me up and all of a sudden I was like, oh, that's that's a feeling I hadn't felt before.
• 37:58
  Like that was that feeling that as a little kid, I had wanted just like that spiritual connection.
• 38:03
  I'm like pointing to my heart rate field.
• 38:05
  That's where I feel it the most strongly.
• 38:08
  And so that happened when I that that awakening when I was about 17 or 18.
• 38:12
  And I honestly have just like been interested and curious about that feeling ever since like and I and that's one of the things I love about you doing this work, Laura, is like your curiosity, like it's just so bright and like, my kid rises a kiddo in the best way.
• 38:29
  Like you're just so excited to learn.
• 38:31
  Yeah, like you have almost like that humility, right?
• 38:34
  And that, like, beginner's mind, so to speak, at least in Buddhism, is like the key to learning.
• 38:39
  and that's like, to me, like on my spiritual path, that's kind of, what feels good is to, like, always be in learning mode.
• 38:50
  I will say that, like, after having processed so much of my my trauma over the years, over the past decade, really, I have much more space to see my own spirituality and like that, that deep spiritual connection that, when I'm lucky, comes mostly during my my morning practice.
• 39:12
  But other times too, like when I'm in the woods or when my daughter gives me a certain smile.
• 39:17
  Yeah.
• 39:19
  and so connected with that, something that I'm asking everyone on the podcast, since, you know, I had this near-death experience is what do you think happens when we die?
• 39:33
  The first thing I want to say is, I don't know.
• 39:38
  I've just been, like, very interested in, humility recently because I've, like, been through some major changes over the past year and, like, I'm like, oh, I have no idea what's going on, like, with life and like, what I'm doing, like, I'm trying my best and like, you know.
• 40:01
  Like, do. Right? But like, you know, life can change on a dime.
• 40:05
  So I'm like, I mean, I don't know.
• 40:08
  And also like, I think something is going to happen to my soul after I die, like, I and I think my soul was somewhere before I was born, and my soul is going to go somewhere after this body dies.
• 40:19
  And I, I do agree with your, your dad that, like, the soul probably is reborn in a certain way, but, I'm not sure that the soul is reborn.
• 40:33
  Always were born on Earth.
• 40:35
  Like, I think there are probably a lot of planets to choose from.
• 40:39
  And if the universe is listening, like, maybe I'd like to try out a different planet next.
• 40:48
  Right.
• 40:49
  Yeah.
• 40:50
  Well, you got to put it out there, right?
• 40:51
  Put it out there with the intention.
• 40:53
  Yeah. What do you think happens?
• 40:58
  I think I honestly, it keeps kind of, it keeps morphing into something a little bit different.
• 41:06
  But I think we slip through the veil.
• 41:12
  I think our body dies and we slip through the veil and our soul, which is to me now.
• 41:20
  I keep getting better.
• 41:22
  Words define it, I think, after every episode of this podcast, because I'm learning so much from everyone that comes on.
• 41:29
  But I think we slip through and but it's my consciousness, which, you know, when I had my near-death experience, it flew out of my body.
• 41:37
  I believe that was my soul.
• 41:39
  And I think that part of me slips through the veil into a place called home, into our actual home.
• 41:48
  Wow. Where we are completely expanded like just expansive beings.
• 41:55
  And then we.
• 41:56
  Have you ever read Journey of Souls now?
• 42:00
  I will say I never finished it because I did start listening to it.
• 42:03
  And it's just it's really it's a lot of the same, but it is a series of people who were regressed and brought to the point in their life when they die and how what happens.
• 42:19
  And so they are their subconscious is telling, telling the practitioner.
• 42:25
  but it's like, you know, hundreds of cases just like that.
• 42:28
  And the cases are all different types of people from all across the world, and they're all similar.
• 42:37
  They're all similar accounts like these people don't know each other.
• 42:40
  They're all similar accounts where people are meeting their guide or a guide or, you know, someone's coming back to meet them, their parents or their sibling or, you know, someone is meeting them.
• 42:56
  And sometimes it's in a.
• 43:00
  Temple.
• 43:01
  Sometimes it's in a field, like, it's I think it's it's like whatever I think is the most comfortable for the person to transition is what you will see.
• 43:12
  but it's like beautiful.
• 43:13
  I'm like, it's a, it's an evolution.
• 43:15
  You know? We're evolving. Wow.
• 43:18
  I wonder if. You.
• 43:19
  I wonder if you're, like, less scared of death than other people.
• 43:25
  Yes, I think yeah, I, I, I definitely have.
• 43:29
  Yeah.
• 43:30
  Well what freedom that gives you in life that. Yes.
• 43:33
  But I think that we're also taught to fear death.
• 43:36
  Why why do we fear it.
• 43:38
  Why do we?
• 43:39
  Why are we afraid of it?
• 43:40
  We're taught to fear it. We're, Or.
• 43:43
  I mean, maybe not everyone is, but you were taught that.
• 43:45
  It's sad, right?
• 43:48
  And sure, there is an ending, but it also is a new beginning for that person.
• 43:55
  Like, it's sad for people here.
• 43:56
  We'll miss that person.
• 43:58
  But, you know, I don't want to I don't want to take away from anyone's experience like grief and loss are.
• 44:05
  They can be awakenings in themselves because they can be extremely traumatic and, but, you know, I feel very grateful that I can not be afraid of it, but it is.
• 44:20
  It's like, you know, you can read all the books, you can have all the conversations, but until you experience something, yeah, you don't actually know.
• 44:31
  It's like, I know, you know, you read all the books about your mom, you hear, and you're like, oh, I got this.
• 44:37
  I think I was pregnant.
• 44:39
  I read a book about like, how to get your baby to sleep 12 hours a night within four weeks.
• 44:45
  Cut to me like a year later, of course.
• 44:49
  Like still waking up with my child in the night.
• 44:51
  Like, that's to your point.
• 44:51
  Like you don't know until you know.
• 44:54
  You don't know, you don't know.
• 44:55
  And so it's like a while, you know, this podcast is meant to help, help people on wherever their journey is, you know, unlock something or hear something that might interest them or, you know, introduce something that maybe you've never heard about before.
• 45:14
  You still don't really know. Yeah.
• 45:16
  I just I'm so like just hearing you, like, in this moment share that story of like, you know, the veil opening and then you coming back and like, oh, like we're a, we're so lucky we got you, got you back here.
• 45:32
  Like. That. Be like, I don't know.
• 45:35
  I just feel this feeling like the universe is like, no, like your work is not done.
• 45:41
  Yeah.
• 45:42
  Like there's more now.
• 45:43
  There's more to do.
• 45:44
  It was.
• 45:45
  It was meant to be a wakeup call for me.
• 45:48
  It's how I see it.
• 45:49
  It was meant to wake me up and and so I.
• 45:54
  It was no accident.
• 45:56
  If it didn't happen, I don't know what I would be doing.
• 45:58
  I'd be probably working some like, entertainment job that did not feel like, you know.
• 46:06
  Sometimes the universe has to shake the shit out of us.
• 46:09
  Yeah.
• 46:09
  Yes, it was definitely, I definitely got shake it Up.
• 46:15
  so. Okay, tell me, tell me about what you are working on now and how you interact and can help people heal.
• 46:22
  Now, what does your practice look like in that way, sir? So I have a couple of offerings.
• 46:30
  if anyone wants to subscribe to my newsletter, that's one thing I'm really passionate about.
• 46:35
  I have a newsletter that just goes out once a month.
• 46:39
  nothing fancy, but, I have some, I think, like, really deep and beautiful reflections on healing in there, and it's like a nice way for me to stay connected with people and people to, connect with me.
• 46:54
  I also share some, like, just like I went to the Shenandoah Valley, a couple weeks ago, and I shared some beautiful pictures because, you know, back to your question.
• 47:04
  Spirituality, like nature, mother nature, like, really helps me drop in, right?
• 47:11
  Like your tree, like, teaches me something and tells me something and slows my heart rate.
• 47:18
  and so my newsletter is one way to kind of stay connected and access my work.
• 47:22
  I also have, a yoga therapy practice where I work one on one with clients again, mostly women, mostly sexual assault survivors, or trauma survivors.
• 47:33
  but I work one on one with folks to, we do a little talking and we do a little meditating, some movement, whatever's helpful for people and kind of what they're working through.
• 47:44
  so that's like a really kind of intensive way to work together.
• 47:48
  I also lead a trauma informed training once a year.
• 47:51
  So I'm in the midst of my eighth or ninth training.
• 47:56
  I left it at Kapalua a few years ago, which was a real honor.
• 47:59
  And it's basically a training for anyone who wants to learn how to be trauma sensitive, wants to learn more about what trauma is, wants to learn how to be mindful of sexual assault survivors.
• 48:08
  Again, given that 1 in 3 women and 1 in 6 men has experienced sexual trauma and sexual violence, and ultimately, my vision is that the training, which is fully online, kind of helps us all create like a safer world for our kiddos and our kiddos kiddos.
• 48:24
  and then I also, occasionally will lead, like a retreat or a longer weekend long workshop, that kind of thing.
• 48:32
  I need a good one for 2026, so stay tuned.
• 48:35
  And all that stuff is on my my website.
• 48:38
  Which we will have in the show notes.
• 48:41
  And Halley, this world's this earth.
• 48:46
  I know you want to be on another planet, but this Earth right now is so, so lucky to have you here helping and helping us all here.
• 48:57
  I think you're gonna make me cry.
• 48:59
  Oh, it's so true. It's so true.
• 49:03
  And you have done such hard work to get here and it's, you know, when we can heal ourselves.
• 49:12
  it just raises the vibration of everyone.
• 49:15
  That's. Yeah.
• 49:16
  It's everything. Yes. It's everything.
• 49:18
  And there's one thing I want to add, because you asked me about, you know, the impact of my work on people, and I thought you would appreciate this.
• 49:25
  So almost every time I lead, like, a workshop, like a room filled with survivors, that kind of thing, when we're in the middle of something, either like the rest or the movement or the meditation, I can see, you know, with my mind's eye like, the healing, like you just mentioned, radiating back generations.
• 49:48
  Right?
• 49:49
  So, like the healing, kind of like as if it's moving behind me, generation and generation.
• 49:53
  And then also the healing radiating forward generations, right?
• 49:59
  Like a like a ripple.
• 50:01
  So you're right that like when we heal ourselves, we actually can't even conceptualize like the enormity of the impact.
• 50:13
  just healing generational trauma going backwards and forwards all this.
• 50:18
  Right? Yeah.
• 50:18
  It's so good. It's so good. Healthy.
• 50:21
  Oh my gosh.
• 50:23
  Thank you so much for coming on and being so open and sharing.
• 50:27
  Thank you for having me.
• 50:27
  This is a pleasure.
• 50:30
  I love you so much. I'm so happy.
• 50:32
  I can't wait to do Kundalini Yoga with you in the summer.
• 50:34
  Okay so plan.
• 50:39
  Thank you for listening to the Woo report for way more woo woo! Please follow and subscribe to the Report podcast on YouTube.
• 50:48
  Apple Podcasts, Spotify, iHeart or wherever you love to listen.
• 50:52
  Never miss an episode of The Wu Report by joining the community at the Wu Report podcast.com.
• 50:58
  Thank you for liking, sharing, reading, and loving on this little slice of magic.
• 51:03
  I am so, so grateful you are here by.