Latest / ShameOver - The Drink Less Podcast / What Our Kids Learn From How We Cope: Drinking, Modeling & Sustainable Change w/ Miriam Putnam Pt 2
Transcript
- Erica+ShameOver: All right, welcome back to part two with Miriam Putnam. This time we're talking about what our kids pick up from how we handle our days. my personal non-negotiable rule when it comes to alcohol and also why sustainable change can beat extremes every time. So let's get into it. So I know that we were talking a little bit before I hit record, but we had talked a little bit about my story and how I started doing this and just what for me realizing that the path that I was on, if I made no changes, I did not like what the end product would look like. And specifically with with a young child, I only had one at the time. seeing how my drinking was she had brought me a wine glass, just a little over a year between twelve and eighteen months, and just walked over with a a wine glass and said, Here you go, mommy. And I'm like, I don't like this at all. So I know from there we had chat a little bit, but what it sounds like you very much realized how much we rub off on our children again from a very young age. So can you speak Miriam Putnam: Yeah. Erica+ShameOver: more kind of to to that story, whatever you're comfortable sharing? Miriam Putnam: yeah, of course. there's there's a good side and a bad side of that, right? Because we Erica+ShameOver: always. Miriam Putnam: all have things that it's important that we work on and improve. do I believe that I'm perfect? By no means. I'm always working on myself. I'm like a firm believer in practicing what I preach, so to speak. And Our kids are sponges, absolute sponges. So whatever we are doing around them, they are learning and they are picking up and they are mirroring. So the healthier we can be as parents, as women, as individuals in our community, in society, then the better off our children are going to be. And even if you don't have any kids in your home, when you're out in public. kids still see you. You're still a spiritual being in the community, being a leader, however you may be, in your circle. So for me, having a child helps me stick true to being on a journey to constantly improve and become the best version of myself that I can possibly be. from my viewpoint, my personal viewpoint, the way that I look at it is that we are responsible for trying our best to live in the image and likeness of God. However, we view that individually. I don't know if you practice a certain religion or not, but most religions have have very similarities throughout them, which Erica+ShameOver: Hundred percent. Totally. Miriam Putnam: is Be the best version that you can. Love your neighbor. Show up. Help. Erica+ShameOver: Yep. Miriam Putnam: And don't commit transgressions and don't be a big jerk. And and if we Yeah, be a good human, right? And if Erica+ShameOver: Yeah, exactly. Be a good human. Yeah. Miriam Putnam: we're if we're trying to raise a culture of kids that understand that and know that, then it's Absolutely vital to being a good example that your kids can and should follow. Erica+ShameOver: Mm-hmm. Yes. And that is one thing. So my personal rule for myself, I'm not I'm not big on rules, but the one thing that is my non negotiable is I don't drink for negative emotions. And I realized very quickly that when I was drinking because I was stressed or had a bad day or, big emotions were going on, those that was when it was a lot harder for me to just have one or two. Miriam Putnam: Mm. Erica+ShameOver: And so that's why I'm just like, nope, this is this is going to be my non-negotiable. You realize very quickly how often you would be drinking if that, is something that comes up for you. So Miriam Putnam: Yeah. Erica+ShameOver: that to me helped drastically reduce my drinking for sure. But more than anything, it just helps me realize again, having young kids, like I'm I'm here to model them how to deal with a bad day, how to deal with these emotions. And if They're seeing me, not really, I had a bad day and I'm having wine every night, that's going to tell them a message. Even if it keeps me happy and everything, it's still teaching them a message. So that is one thing that I was just very aware of. we have to learn a lot of us, it's reparenting ourselves and learning how to deal with things we never were taught how to deal with, so that we can teach others to do the same thing. Miriam Putnam: Yeah, right, because I'm guessing I don't know exactly how your parents were, but probably a little similar to mine. It was more of a culture of brushing things under the rug and this PR, false PR representation of that things are great, ev everything's Erica+ShameOver: Yes. Everything's fine. Mm-hmm. Miriam Putnam: fine. And when it was not fine. So I didn't want to be that kind of parent. I didn't want to be the parent that felt miserable and pretended like things were good when they were not. So I just thought, well, I'm gonna put myself through, I named it Reset and Rise Later, but I put myself through the Erica+ShameOver: I love that. Miriam Putnam: same exact program that I help others with in order to cleanse my mind, get rid of the Erica+ShameOver: Yeah. Miriam Putnam: hidden subconscious stress, regenerate soul health, and really get the body health. policies in line so that I'm being a good example for others, also Erica+ShameOver: Yeah. Miriam Putnam: my kid, right? But then others. Erica+ShameOver: Well, and it's you're showing up as a best version of yourself, which ultimately is for you and everyone else just benefits. And that Miriam Putnam: Yeah. Erica+ShameOver: is the farthest frame thing from selfish. I people like to, in for whatever, and I think it's all it's always women, but because the people pleasing that has been, passed down generationally through all of us, I think it's just for whatever reason we feel like taking care of ourselves or making ourselves the number one priority is selfish and it is the farthest thing from. Miriam Putnam: Yeah, it's a very interesting thing that once you once once someone learns to choose their own health, whichever category it is, body, mind, or soul, it actually Erica+ShameOver: Mm-hmm. Miriam Putnam: is like choosing others. It's an interesting thing. It's like choose yourself is i i you choose yourself, but usually when you're choosing yourself to do the right thing, you're choosing others as well. Erica+ShameOver: Yes. It's god, I remember I feel like it was in high school or something, when you would have to do the debates or whatever that was. But talking about doing good for other people is the best thing you can do for yourself and how it fills you up even more than for them. And then is that selfish then? Da da da, that type thing. And I'm like, who cares? Being good is good for everyone. It's called a win win. Find the Miriam Putnam: Yeah. Erica+ShameOver: win-win as often as you can. Miriam Putnam: Yeah, and for some that may work and for others that may not work. Erica+ShameOver: Totally. Exactly. Miriam Putnam: You know, we are all such unique individuals, body, mind, and soul, that it's like, listen, we all have our exact pathway to our own truth and we're all on our Erica+ShameOver: Yes. Miriam Putnam: own journeys. I think the truth that resonates and is basically synonymous between each of us is that we are all trying to improve something. Erica+ShameOver: Yep. And that is a beautiful thing. Yes. Miriam Putnam: learn and improve. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And unfortunately w we live in a society still that has a lot of drugs and a lot of alcohol and that is something that most everyone has to overcome. And if you're if you were able to do it and then you're able to raise kids in an environment where drugs are not the go-to and that are not okay, then we are helping raise a better culture in the future. this is our community, this is our country, you Erica+ShameOver: Yeah. Miriam Putnam: So I've I can't wait until the day when we see mental health policies that are intact where the body health of the child is safeguarded. Their brain is developing Erica+ShameOver: Yeah. Miriam Putnam: until they're twenty five years old. And we need to be looking at preventative care, not not medication care. sure, medication Erica+ShameOver: Yeah. Miriam Putnam: medication has to be used sometimes. I'm not opposed to medication, but as a blanket right, as a blanket s substitute for handling what's actually going on. Yeah, for the kid who's being Erica+ShameOver: Yeah. Miriam Putnam: abused by their parent, Zolof is not gonna help them, right? know. Erica+ShameOver: Exactly. Yes, it's more just sweeping under the rug. So I'm curious, I think I know, but why did you say twenty five for the age? Miriam Putnam: Why did I why did I say, well, I mean it's Erica+ShameOver: for the ki yeah. Miriam Putnam: it's it's twenty two to twenty five. I always go on the high end. Yeah, Erica+ShameOver: Yeah. Me too. Miriam Putnam: I always go on the high end because for some ki some kids could be developing slower. Erica+ShameOver: Yeah. So I'm guessing you're talking about brain development as well, Miriam Putnam: Mm-hmm. Erica+ShameOver: specifically. Yeah. So it's the reason why I wanted to bring that up is sometimes people look at me weird and I say this, but I'm like, when it comes to my kids, I'm going to be very open, obviously, with alcohol and my thoughts on it and other substances as well. But more than anything, just be like And I I haven't decided if I want to give them a cash bonus or whatever, but something along the lines like if you wait, if you're going to do it, just wait until 25 years old. And bec because of the brain development piece, because anything that you do, typically when we're trying drugs, alcohol, marijuana, I know for me growing up it was typically weed and drinking were the two big things, especially in high school, like Miriam Putnam: Yeah. Erica+ShameOver: if If you knew at that age what it was actually going to do to your brain, for long term, and not I remember the commercial that they had where it was like, this is your brain, this is your brain on drugs, and they fry an egg or something along those lines, that Miriam Putnam: Yeah. Erica+ShameOver: doesn't speak to children, But if you actually understand what's going on in your body and your brain, I think that it a lot of kids would be more turned off by it if they actually knew the reality of it. And not as a scare tactic, but as a truth tactic. Miriam Putnam: Right. There's actually physical damage that can occur I don't even know if I want to say can, you most likely usually occurs within the body when chemical substances are put in it. this is pretty common knowledge. So the fact that we still live in a country that is writing prescriptions at the high rate that we are is it's pretty astounding to me. Erica+ShameOver: Yeah. Well, especially when it's used more like a blanket, it's complete band-aid. well, let's do this first, then we can do testing down if this doesn't help. It's like, well no, I'd rather see what's going on now and then do meds later if needed. But, it's yeah. Again, this is stuff as I'm getting older, I'm like, no, I care so much more about what I'm putting in my body and doing to my body than in, We have all the drugs in the world that can solve X, Y, and Z, but what are they really doing long term? Miriam Putnam: Yeah, exactly. the side effects aren't really side effects, they're more like effects. They're just effects. Like Erica+ShameOver: Exactly. Yes. Hundred percent. Miriam Putnam: the drug can do this and it also does this. Erica+ShameOver: Yes, totally. Ugh. So Miriam Putnam: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Erica+ShameOver: I'm guessing your your course and who you work with is more adults adult age, is that correct? Miriam Putnam: Well, for me, I Erica+ShameOver: Yes. Miriam Putnam: also specialize in parents that have kids because Erica+ShameOver: Okay. Miriam Putnam: I am very good at mental health issues. So I'm like the mental health specialist front lines because of the way that I was raised and the family that I was in and all everything that I've seen and basically nobody can tell me a horror story that I haven't either lived through or read or know somebody who has gone through. Erica+ShameOver: Mm. Miriam Putnam: So, for instance, I had a client just recently who had a kid that was going through rough times and we were able to turn it all around and the mental quote unquote mental illness symptoms evaporated. Yeah, so I do a lot of coaching on, well, what Erica+ShameOver: Okay. Miriam Putnam: has worked for you? How do you know that? And is are we gonna choose a policy that's in that direction? because nobody's gonna you you can you can decide, you and me and anybody can decide to do strict discipline for a certain amount of time to try some fad diet or try some health routine or try this or try that. But what's going to actually Allow you to sustain it? Does it hold true for you? Does it resonate? Are you going to do this for the next six months? finding something that Erica+ShameOver: Yeah. Miriam Putnam: works is, actually pretty crucial. are you gonna be Erica+ShameOver: Yes. Miriam Putnam: the person that always makes your veggies at night and eats a salad? if you're not, then where are you buying vegetable juice from? You know, just practical. Erica+ShameOver: And that's exactly it. yeah. Miriam Putnam: Choices, it's just practical. we are not living in the Himalayas as monks meditating. We're living in real Erica+ShameOver: Mm. Yeah. Miriam Putnam: life, dealing with jobs and different stressors and trying to raise kids and go to church and go to work and do all the things that we're doing. So let's just have our protein shake. Erica+ShameOver: Well, and that's where it is. Figure out what works for you because what Miriam Putnam: Yeah. Erica+ShameOver: I do, my biggest thing is this of sustainability. how can you can go from, 30 drinks a week to five drinks a week? No problem. But if you do that in one week, it's not gonna last. I pretty much can guarantee that, for most people. So how can we do it? So you're going from whatever number you're starting at. to this lower number that you can stick with and have that be the new norm. Miriam Putnam: Mm-hmm, totally. My gosh, I so wanna meet you in person to teach you some techniques to do with people that will make it a lot Erica+ShameOver: I would love that. Miriam Putnam: easier. Erica+ShameOver: Yes. my god. Okay, we're gonna schedule something. Yes. Miriam Putnam: Yes. We're gonna we're gonna have fun. I don't know if you're ever Florida. Are you ever in Florida, Erica? Erica+ShameOver: I I try to get there at least once or twice a year. we we have family friends at the place out there that they're very generous and let us enjoy sometimes. So I will schedule a trip out there sooner than later and make sure it's through Tampa. So Yes. Miriam Putnam: Okay, awesome. I love that. And I'm on the west coast sometimes. I'm in Denver only for skiing. I'm not the skier. My husband and son are the skier, but we will get out there. So likewise Erica+ShameOver: Nice. Yes. Miriam Putnam: it's only once a year for me though. Erica+ShameOver: Where do you guys go if you come to Colorado? Miriam Putnam: Aspen. Erica+ShameOver: I love Aspen. my God, it's so beautiful. Miriam Putnam: But always we go through Denver. You're by Denver, right? Yeah. Erica+ShameOver: Yep. Yeah, you you you have to go right past me to get to Aspen from the airport. So there you go. Miriam Putnam: Yeah, exactly, exactly. And originally I'm from Los Angeles, so I'm I go out there sometimes. So we'll we'll figure it out, Erica. Yeah, we'll figure it out. Yeah, and and you know Erica+ShameOver: That's right. man. Okay. That sounds great. my god. I guess one last question that I did have. just because I know you said the three pillars being the mind, body, soul. Do do you find that people are often good with one piece of it and struggle with one or what does that look like? Miriam Putnam: Well We j no, it's not too big of a question. I think generally Erica+ShameOver: Too big of a question. Miriam Putnam: speaking, we intuitively know that it's body, mind, and soul. But Erica+ShameOver: Mm. Yeah. Miriam Putnam: unfortunately in our culture, we've been raised to believe that we are only bodies. You it's Erica+ShameOver: Yes. Miriam Putnam: in school system, it's in psychology, that man is an animal, and the only way to correct things is surgery and medicine and and lots of things like that. So Erica+ShameOver: Yeah. Miriam Putnam: It's not that someone is lacking intelligence that they don't know what me and my team are doing. It is that s all of these concepts are almost flip flopped in society. Erica+ShameOver: Yes. Miriam Putnam: Right? Religion was taken out of schools. It's it's it's it's discombobulated right Erica+ShameOver: Mm-hmm. Miriam Putnam: in society. and so I just help put the order back in. It's not it's not that what I'm saying is is different probably from what you know to be t true, but what I did is put a system to it that allows somebody to go through and discover their own truth with like with the exact framework. And it's just puts sanity, I guess, you you sounds Erica+ShameOver: Yeah. Miriam Putnam: like you're doing a lot of coaching for sustainability and sanity. So, I'm mm, it's important. Erica+ShameOver: Yes. Well, and it's it it's funny that you say that about so much of the body because I feel like when we're in the body we should be in the mind and when we're in the mind we should be in the body. a lot of it can be flipped because I know a lot of times, especially once I start working with someone, they realize how much in their brain they are and then they're like, my body actually I I don't want to drink. It was just so habitual, I was just going through the motions type thing. but when they actually are able to connect with themselves, they realize I I I don't need this. it's not so much I don't know, it it's getting in tune, like you said, bring the whole system together. Miriam Putnam: Yeah, definitely. And a lot of a lot of times that habitual infatuation or obsession with drinking or just repetitive stress trigger thing that we have set up has a lot to do with the nutrients that the body is missing. So there's like Erica+ShameOver: Yep. Miriam Putnam: drug bomb packets that someone can take that really give the nutrients to the body. And once somebody starts feeling better physically and their stress levels come down a bit because alcohol and drugs intensify stress, then it becomes easier. Erica+ShameOver: Mm. Miriam Putnam: and a lot of the coaching techniques that we do virtually give somebody a mind health exercise because what I learned is that most individuals don't understand the difference between their mind and their brain. So yeah, so that's like that's a big differentiator, Erica+ShameOver: yes. that's huge. Miriam Putnam: what where we are set apart on how so we hear about this mind-body connection, right, Erica? But it's like What does it actually mean? W how does the mind affect the body? Does the body affect the mind? Like what is the whole system? Yeah, so Erica+ShameOver: Mm, yes. Miriam Putnam: mm. Erica+ShameOver: wow, that's beautiful. well, thank you so much. I have a feeling we'll definitely be talking more. yes, Miriam Putnam: Yes, I know and you too. It's been awesome sharing space with you today, Erica. Erica+ShameOver: you too. Is there anything that I didn't get asked about that you wanted to share? If not, then how can people find you, connect with you, anything along those lines? Miriam Putnam: Yeah, so if you are interested in getting in touch and you're really looking forward a life transformation journey that is lasting and effective, you can find me at my website, Miriam Putnam dot org, or on Instagram and it's Miriam Putnam. Erica+ShameOver: Awesome. Well, I will be sure to include that in the show notes. But thank you so much. It truly has been a pleasure and I'm so excited to learn more about what you're doing because it sounds just truly incredible. So thank you, thank you. Miriam Putnam: Yeah. We're gonna have so much fun. I love it. Thank you for having me on today, Erica. You are a beautiful soul. Erica+ShameOver: Right back at ya. Miriam Putnam: Thank you. Erica+ShameOver: that was such a great conversation. If this conversation hit home, please go and take my free drinker type quiz. It'll let you know why you drink, what you're actually reaching for, and quick tips on how to become a little bit more mindful when you when you're drinking. So check the show notes for that or go to shameover.me slash quiz. I will also like to extend the invite for anyone listening out there. I have a workshop coming up. on November 4th, that is going to be exactly this your nervous system and why you reach for a drink. So go and make sure you sign up for that. Again, it'll be in the show notes. Hopefully we'll see you there. And as always, please like, subscribe, share, leave a review. Any of that really helps me to be able to continue doing this work and meet all these beautiful people around the world that I'm able to connect with thanks to this. So we'll see you next time. Cheers.