Latest / Awakening Soul Divinity / I've Taken Care of Everyone Else. What About Me? | Tae Harris

Transcript

I've Taken Care of Everyone Else. What About Me? | Tae Harris · Awakening Soul Divinity

0:00
Speaker 1: Welcome to Awakening Soul Divinity, your sacred space for deep
0:04
healing and transformation. Listen to inspiring conversations with healing experts,
0:11
spiritual guides, and teachers as we explore ancient wisdom, modern healing,
0:17
and powerful stories of change. I'll also share practical insights
0:22
from my personal journey from spiritual crisis to inner purpose.
0:27
Whether you're seeking to overcome anxiety or embrace your true nature,
0:32
or awaken your higher self, this podcast offers guidance to
0:37
help you transform your life and elevate collective consciousness.
0:49
Speaker 2: Welcome, Monte. Thank you so much for being here.
0:52
Speaker 3: Thank you for inviting me.
0:54
Speaker 2: I know this is going to be an interesting one though,
0:57
because this is the first time I've actually ever done
0:59
it in a studio. So as you can see, the
1:04
background is different. Everything is different. So this is going
1:07
to be an interesting conversation.
1:09
Speaker 3: Yeah. Oh, it was definitely going to be interesting.
1:14
Speaker 2: Yeah. As usual. Cause we just actually, to be honest
1:17
with you, we just did an episode for Monte's podcast.
1:23
his podcast. So now we're here doing my podcast. So let's,
1:27
let's just get started and see where this goes. Okay.
1:31
Speaker 4: Oh yeah.
1:31
Speaker 3: Oh yeah.
1:32
Speaker 1: I'm ready.
1:34
Speaker 2: So here's, here's the thing. This is different because usually
1:38
when I'm like online, I am working with the person
1:43
in a different way, but having someone in person is,
1:46
is going to be, it's going to be different for me.
1:49
So I, when we talked a while ago, You had
1:54
given me a few things that you were thinking about
1:57
working on, that kind of thing. And sitting here now
2:01
from all the conversations that we had and from just
2:05
recording your podcast, because a lot of good stuff came
2:09
out of that, what feels most present or true in
2:14
your life right now that you're open to exploring? Like,
2:18
I know there's a lot going on. So just anything,
2:21
anything that comes out of that.
2:24
Speaker 3: Really just evaluating life.
2:28
Speaker 2: That's a broad subject.
2:30
Speaker 3: Very, very broad. Because there are so many things, like
2:35
you said, that can be nitpicked. Certain things that are like,
2:40
and we'll kick that to the wayside. We'll push that
2:44
to the back. So it's just thinking about what's important.
2:50
and the things that are more prevalent to now compared
2:53
to right now, if that makes sense.
2:57
Speaker 2: It does. And when you're talking about life, I mean,
3:00
there's so much about life. You can talk about what
3:03
you want to do in your life. You can talk
3:05
about who you want to be in your life. But
3:08
the thing that stands out that touches your heart, the
3:13
thing that is constantly poking at you, the thing that
3:18
Is guiding you, but you have no clue what direction
3:23
it's going in or where it's guiding you. What does
3:27
that feel like when I say that, though? Like for
3:31
you right now.
3:33
Speaker 3: So one of my biggest things right now is I'm
3:38
ready to be back being a creative full time. You know,
3:44
being able to wake up. edit, record, be at home
3:52
with my wife and kids. I'm coming off of being
3:54
a truck driver for five and a half years. And
3:58
I've been here two years. I've been home for two years,
4:03
if I'm counting it correctly. Yes, April 2024. I've been
4:09
off the truck and I got off the truck and
4:11
I kind of just dove headfirst into being a creator.
4:17
You know, I picked up my camera. I ended up
4:20
at Alan Look Studios and things have been great. But
4:24
then you get that sense of, is this real? You
4:30
go through certain things personally and it ends you up
4:34
in a space of life just slaps all at once.
4:39
So that's why I say, you know, it's just, I
4:43
want to be back full time being a creator, not
4:48
necessarily a content creator, but I am a creator.
4:52
Speaker 2: You are a creator.
4:53
Speaker 3: Yes.
4:55
Speaker 2: I'll say that again. But you are a creator, right?
4:59
Speaker 4: Yes.
4:59
Speaker 2: So what do you think is holding you back from
5:01
doing that? There's something.
5:02
Speaker 3: Oh, that's easy. That's an easy one.
5:05
Speaker 2: You know the answer.
5:06
Speaker 3: It's simplest terms is fear. And I know the biggest
5:14
thing for me is like fear of success. What happens
5:18
if this does work? You know, most people are like,
5:21
you know, what happens if it doesn't pan out? You know,
5:25
the money that I've put into it, the time, you know,
5:29
the relationships and then all of a sudden there's no
5:31
conversations and, you know, things like that. It's just, if
5:35
this works, OMG, you know, what happens next? And it's just,
5:46
in short, that's it. It's just the fear of succeeding.
5:50
Speaker 2: Okay. Well, there's, there's, here's the thing about both fearing
5:56
success and failure is that like we fear death is
5:59
the biggest fear that we have. Right. So when you
6:02
fear that death, success, on the other side, what does
6:07
that look like for you? Because if you don't ever
6:11
feel like you've been successful, then the other side's going
6:14
to feel like, oh my God, I'm going to die,
6:17
that kind of thing. So when you touch on that,
6:20
here's the thing. Everything that happens in our life comes
6:24
from childhood. And we got to talk about that on
6:27
your podcast. And the thing about it is, is that
6:30
there's something in that little boy that happened at a
6:32
certain point in time Where if you were successful at something,
6:37
you got slapped, not literally or maybe literally, you got
6:40
slapped in the face by something. Right? Like something fell apart.
6:45
You were successful and something happened bad. And it kept
6:49
you in that space.
6:51
Speaker 3: I guess it's more of a complacency thing. Not on me,
6:55
but projected. Not necessarily negativity. You know, oh, I got it.
7:01
Straight A, okay, that's good. And it's like there's no
7:06
extra reward. You know, some kids get an allowance. They
7:09
get paid for making good grades. I didn't get that.
7:14
Not like I was expecting it either.
7:15
Speaker 2: Did you get anything, though? Did anybody ever say anything
7:19
to you?
7:20
Speaker 3: Outside of good job, I don't recall anything.
7:23
Speaker 2: Did they celebrate you? Did they do anything that made
7:27
you feel like you were successful?
7:30
Speaker 3: I don't recall.
7:31
Speaker 2: Okay, because that in my mind and what I'm feeling
7:35
is that there's a piece of you that was like, well,
7:38
you know, am I really like who's going to acknowledge
7:43
me if I'm successful? So why bother being successful?
7:47
Speaker 3: It could be there.
7:48
Speaker 2: I mean, it could be anything. I'm just throwing things out.
7:51
But the way it sounds like to me that if
7:53
you never had someone supporting you the way you needed it,
7:57
if that makes sense, like maybe you needed someone to go, oh,
7:59
my God. Whatever. You got straight A's. I never did.
8:03
But you got straight A's in elementary school for a
8:07
class or something, for a bunch of classes. And you
8:09
come home and you're like, look, look, look. You know,
8:12
and everybody's like, good job.
8:15
Speaker 3: That's my perception on it. It's just good. That's what
8:19
you're supposed to do.
8:20
Speaker 2: But that's not. Life is about celebrating.
8:22
Speaker 1: Yes. Yes.
8:24
Speaker 2: And because I feel like the fear of the success
8:28
is because no one celebrated you and now you don't
8:31
know how to celebrate yourself. So every single time that
8:34
you succeed at something, you're like, all right, I just
8:36
did it. It was great.
8:38
Speaker 3: And that's basically what it is. It's just people will
8:41
tell you. I'll tell people. I tell people I'm not
8:46
big on acknowledgement. If you say, hey, you did a
8:50
great job on that. OK, thank you. You know, like
8:54
at the end of, you know, my podcast, you were,
8:57
you know, giving thanks and telling me as bad as
9:00
it may sound about myself. And I'm just like, thank you.
9:03
Speaker 2: I know.
9:04
Speaker 3: Because it's like, okay. And, you know, and I'm just
9:08
in that space of I've never, I guess because I've
9:10
never really received it.
9:12
Speaker 2: Because you don't know what it feels like.
9:15
Speaker 3: A lot of times people are like, you're doing a
9:17
great job. You're doing good. And I just say, okay,
9:20
so what's wrong? Okay.
9:22
Speaker 1: You know.
9:23
Speaker 2: If you can go back to the time, the first
9:26
memory you have of being successful at something, and if
9:29
you can give me an idea about how old you are,
9:31
because if you want to go to the inner child,
9:33
we're going to go to the inner child because we're
9:35
doing it in person. This is how we're going to
9:36
do it. I'm curious to see where this is coming from.
9:40
If you're open to doing it, if it's too scary
9:41
to go back in, because sometimes that stuff can be
9:44
a little overwhelming, but if you're willing to go back
9:46
to the first memory that you have of being successful
9:50
at something and And somebody not really acknowledging you the
9:54
way you needed them to. Can you remember about what
9:58
age that was?
9:59
Speaker 3: First time, no.
10:02
Speaker 2: Or as far back as you can remember. It doesn't
10:04
have to be perfect.
10:05
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm going through the numbers and it's not a lot,
10:08
but it's a lot of numbers, you know, as far
10:11
as my age.
10:12
Speaker 2: Yeah, okay. Okay.
10:15
Speaker 3: So I'll say this. Because they all kind of end
10:24
up in the same thing. And again, it's still just
10:27
a generic thing of the acknowledgement. You know, I can draw.
10:34
And it's like, hey, look, I drew all of the
10:38
Looney Tunes characters. And it's like, you didn't draw those,
10:41
you traced them. And it's like, you can't. This is
10:46
just one example. I can't.
10:47
Speaker 2: I think you told me about this when we met.
10:50
You might have told me this, but okay. So that's
10:52
a perfect place though.
10:53
Speaker 4: Yeah.
10:53
Speaker 2: So how old were you when that happened?
10:56
Speaker 3: I had to be no older than 10 or 12.
10:59
Speaker 2: Okay.
11:00
Speaker 3: I don't think I was older than 10 or 12.
11:02
Speaker 2: So how old were you when that happened?
11:04
Speaker 3: I had to be no older than 10 or 12.
11:08
I don't think I'll know it in 10 or 12. Okay.
11:10
Speaker 2: I mean, here's the thing. You're going to remember something
11:13
like that in your nervous system. Your subconscious is going
11:16
to remember that. So you live that your whole life.
11:19
So every time he does something wonderful here, you can
11:23
join us if you want to. Shamar.
11:28
Speaker 3: You say Shamar.
11:29
Speaker 1: Me? Me? Shamar?
11:30
Speaker 2: Who? Yeah.
11:31
Speaker 1: Yeah.
11:31
Speaker 2: Okay. And just so you know, the studio comes with a,
11:34
what do you call yourself when you're helping? An engineer.
11:38
I got an engineer today. This is so cool. Well, okay.
11:42
So when he's successful at something, what do you say
11:45
to him?
11:46
Speaker 3: Sorry about that.
11:47
Speaker 2: That's okay. You weren't expecting this, were you?
11:51
Speaker 4: When he's successful at it, I tell him that he
11:53
did a great job. I tell him that I liked
11:56
that video. I liked, you know, how you accomplish.
11:59
Speaker 2: X, Y, Z. And does he blow you off?
12:02
Speaker 4: Yeah.
12:03
Speaker 2: Okay. But see, that's okay. That's normal. That's what I'm
12:06
trying to say. It's like your 10-year-old, we'll go with
12:09
a 10-year-old. Your 10-year-old is so afraid of hearing someone
12:14
say something positive about you because you blocked it at
12:19
that time. So when you block it, you're not going
12:23
to get the same feeling that you wanted because you're
12:27
not even looking for it anymore. It's like it's stuck.
12:30
There's a stuck there. It falls under, like we were
12:33
talking earlier about the cycle of trauma and that it
12:38
has that gap at the end of it. That's your
12:39
gap right there. You got stuck in that gap because
12:42
you don't know what that looks like because no one
12:44
showed you. Now he's showing you what that looks like,
12:48
and now you don't know how to accept it because
12:50
it's like, really?
12:51
Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, basically. That's literally, literally what he does.
12:57
Speaker 2: Okay.
12:58
Speaker 3: And you like that? I mean, never. Yeah.
13:01
Speaker 2: And I apologize if we're putting you on the spot,
13:03
but that's the whole point. I was expecting this. Okay, good.
13:06
It's okay.
13:07
Speaker 3: I was expecting it.
13:08
Speaker 2: I think it's important because for you to step out
13:12
of that fear of somebody telling you that you're good enough,
13:18
that you matter, that you are amazing. Mm-hmm. No one
13:23
ever told you that and you're amazing and do your
13:27
best to accept that right now. I know that might
13:29
be a challenge.
13:29
Speaker 3: It's okay.
13:31
Speaker 2: I know. I know. I see it on your face.
13:33
But that's the thing. It's like you're not the only
13:35
person who does that. I've done that before too. I
13:38
never– like things– for me, it's love. I never really
13:41
understood what love looked like. So when I got it,
13:45
I was like, what the heck is that? I don't
13:48
know what that– what are you talking about? This is
13:50
not– no.
13:51
Speaker 1: No.
13:53
Speaker 2: I get it. I understand. But that's the thing that's
13:55
holding you back. It's that little boy that has no
13:59
clue what that looks like. So if you did know
14:04
and you could imagine what that looked like, what would
14:07
that feel like for you? I mean, literally, what would
14:10
that feel like for you to be able, okay, I'm successful.
14:13
Look at me. What would that feel like?
14:14
Speaker 3: That's it. and the reason I say the opposite is
14:20
because I'm also not the type of person to boast
14:22
or brag about the things that I do. And I
14:25
feel I would be the one, you know, jumping you,
14:30
you remember mad TV, Stuart, I think Stewie, look what
14:34
I can do, you know? And I feel I would
14:38
be that person, you know, Hey, check this out. Look, look, look, look, look, look, look.
14:43
And I would be looking wholeheartedly for the, the gratitude of,
14:48
Does that make sense?
14:51
Speaker 2: What do you mean by looking wholeheartedly from somebody else?
14:54
Speaker 3: I would always be looking for gratification. Not necessarily.
14:59
Speaker 2: You know what? The reason I'm going to say no
15:02
to that is only because you might do it the
15:05
first couple of times. But that's the problem. Bad word.
15:10
That's what happens with us when we've been programmed to
15:14
not– be accepted or not be recognized or whatever. Because
15:21
the person who's not accepting us feels that way. They think, oh,
15:26
you're going to become a braggart or you're going to
15:28
become a snob or you're going to put... No, you're not.
15:31
You're 10. That's not going to happen. But now that's
15:36
stuck in there because you think that you're going to
15:38
become that way. And He wants to say something.
15:42
Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm sorry.
15:43
Speaker 2: That's okay.
15:44
Speaker 4: For me or for us growing up, they would say,
15:48
don't tell him that because he'll get the big head.
15:50
Speaker 2: Yes, exactly. That's exactly what I'm talking about. But that's
15:53
not true. Because for somebody like you and Shamar, who
15:58
are obviously very creative and kind and decent, it's the
16:02
same thing with money and greed.
16:04
Speaker 1: Right.
16:05
Speaker 2: If you are greedy and you have money, it's going
16:08
to be a whole different situation than if you are
16:12
kind and you have a lot of money. Kind people
16:16
share their money. Greedy people don't share the money. It's
16:21
the same energy. It's the same money, right? So the
16:25
way I'm picking up on it, and obviously Shamar is too,
16:28
is that your little boy is holding himself back. From
16:36
becoming successful because you think you're going to get a
16:39
big head about it and you're not because that's not
16:42
who you are. And you know that about yourself.
16:46
Speaker 3: Oh, I definitely know that.
16:47
Speaker 2: So why did you just tell me that it's going
16:50
to do that with you?
16:51
Speaker 3: So I look at it like if I didn't have
16:58
the blockage, that's what I would have turned into. Not
17:02
necessarily now. Because I look at some people who have
17:08
always been told great job, good job, way to go,
17:13
things like that. And then when they don't get that,
17:18
they feel some type of way. Okay. And then they'll
17:22
start doing things to look for it like a child would.
17:26
That's what I was getting at.
17:29
Speaker 1: Okay.
17:30
Speaker 2: That makes sense. Yes. And here's my.
17:34
What's the word I'm looking for? Like I have an
17:36
answer for that.
17:37
Speaker 3: Yes.
17:37
Speaker 2: So here's the, that's part of what this, it feels
17:40
like is that you're looking outside yourself for response from people.
17:46
Like you're here to enjoy your life for you. When
17:51
you're happy and you are doing everything that you love doing,
17:54
it's all going to be natural. It doesn't matter what
17:57
anybody else says, but you still have this little thing
17:59
inside of you that that's like, well, what would they think?
18:02
And they're going to think I've got a big head
18:03
and they're going to, you know, all that kind of thing.
18:05
Does that, does that.
18:07
Speaker 3: Yes. It's always, and I'm not going to say always,
18:09
but there, there is a thing of, well, what are
18:14
they going to think of me?
18:15
Speaker 2: Okay.
18:16
Speaker 3: So what are they going to.
18:17
Speaker 2: We're digging. Yeah. And we're digging deeper.
18:20
Speaker 1: Yeah.
18:20
Speaker 2: Lately, I.
18:23
Speaker 3: Don't care.
18:24
Speaker 2: But what's stopping you now then if you don't care?
18:28
Speaker 3: So it's me. It still comes back to me stopping
18:33
me because now I'm worried about where am I placing myself?
18:38
If that makes sense.
18:39
Speaker 2: Where are you placing yourself?
18:41
Speaker 3: So one thing that Dr. Kim, we did a NET.
18:51
Speaker 2: What's an NET?
18:53
Speaker 3: I cannot remember how to explain it. Okay. It's some
18:55
fancy terminology.
18:58
Speaker 2: N-E-T?
18:59
Speaker 3: N-E-T. So the way it goes, you kind of just
19:02
hold your hand out, right? And what he does is
19:06
he kind of pushes here and asks, in a sense,
19:10
simple probing questions.
19:12
Speaker 2: Sounds like kinesiology.
19:13
Speaker 3: I'm not sure. Okay. So you know, you hold your
19:18
hand out. he asks questions and he'll push down. And
19:22
if your hand doesn't move, that's not a weak point,
19:26
but something is said and next thing you know, your
19:28
hand just drops and it's like, whoa, I didn't do that.
19:31
So from that experience, it basically came down to feeling
19:36
neglect and rejection that dates all the way back to
19:40
in the womb and always feeling like being called a liar.
19:44
Because I don't lie and I don't like people. Don't
19:47
lie on me. Don't lie to me. you know so
19:51
all of that is like leading up to me worrying
19:57
about what other people think and well if I do
20:01
post this say that what if I'm wrong and one
20:05
simple question was well can you not just record another
20:08
video And it's like after that, that's when a lot
20:12
of other things started taking place. But then it comes
20:15
back to me like, well, should I do it this
20:17
way or should I do it that way? That makes sense.
20:20
Speaker 2: It does. And it leads back to that whole trust
20:22
thing that we were talking about on your podcast, because
20:25
you don't trust yourself to just be who you are
20:29
without worrying about what anybody else thinks of you.
20:32
Speaker 3: Yeah, we can put it that way.
20:35
Speaker 2: Yeah. Your voice went high pitch again.
20:38
Speaker 4: Yeah. Yeah.
20:40
Speaker 3: I mean, sometimes I do still not 100%, maybe not
20:44
even 50% think about what other people are going to
20:48
think because I'm building a personal brand, you know, and
20:53
I know my audience is going to be my audience.
20:55
I know people are going to gravitate to me that
20:57
need to and want to. But there's also the thing
21:02
of I have kids.
21:03
Speaker 2: How.
21:05
Speaker 3: When we were growing up, it's like, remember whose last
21:08
name you have, right? Remember who your parents are. Don't
21:11
go out here and make me look bad, us look bad, right?
21:15
So even from that, I'm like, I don't want to
21:19
do anything that'll quote unquote embarrass my kids. But at
21:23
the same time, I'm like, they're kids, you know? So it's,
21:29
how do I make sure that I don't have to
21:34
go back and redo or resay something. Like I want
21:39
whatever happens to just, that's it. Does that make sense?
21:43
I feel like I'm rambling a little bit.
21:45
Speaker 2: Like what you're concerned about your kids embarrassment.
21:47
Speaker 3: That's the biggest thing. Okay. You know, cause again, hold on.
21:52
Speaker 2: We'll get there. We've got to wait till he's done.
21:55
He's in charge.
21:57
Speaker 5: He's in charge.
21:57
Speaker 1: Okay.
22:00
Speaker 2: So you basically feel like you would be embarrassed in
22:04
front of your kids if you do something you consider
22:08
might be wrong because of what you were saying. You know,
22:12
it's in the family name and you've got to be
22:14
respectful of the family name. And I'm going to say
22:17
something right now about that from my own perspective. Blood
22:20
ain't thicker than water.
22:21
Speaker 3: I get it.
22:24
Speaker 2: Yeah. And here's the thing with your kids. Your kids
22:27
will be, this is how kids work. Your kids will
22:30
be more proud of you if you step out and
22:33
be you because they're going to follow in your footsteps
22:38
that way than they would if you keep going. Because
22:45
that's what you're showing them is that you can only
22:47
go so far and then you don't want to do it. Right.
22:50
Or would you rather just do it? What did you
22:53
say when I came in here? Ask permission. Okay. You're
22:57
back on? Put you back on.
22:59
Speaker 4: I said I'm going to ask for forgiveness instead of permission.
23:04
Speaker 2: Right. So whatever you do, if it's bad enough and
23:08
your kids really have an issue with it and they're
23:11
still young, they're not going to.
23:13
Speaker 3: Really?
23:13
Speaker 2: How old are they?
23:14
Speaker 3: Oh, Jesus. 12, 14 and 19.
23:16
Speaker 2: And they will. They will?
23:19
Speaker 3: They will. Dad.
23:21
Speaker 2: But they're going to they're more like dad because you're
23:24
not doing who you are. If you were doing who
23:29
you are and you walked around every day with a
23:31
big smile, successful smile on your face, do you think
23:34
that they would really say something like that?
23:36
Speaker 3: No.
23:37
Speaker 1: Okay.
23:38
Speaker 2: Well, that's what I'm trying to say because for you
23:41
to be able to just come home, think about how
23:44
you want to– what would you want to feel like
23:47
at the end of the day? when you go home
23:49
and you see your kids, would you rather go, Oh,
23:52
I just, I made it. And someone said I did
23:54
a great job, but, um, well, I don't believe it.
23:58
Or would you want to come home and go like,
24:01
just smiling because you had did a great job. You
24:03
know what he told you, whatever. And then you come
24:05
in and your kids see that your energy is different
24:07
and you're coming in. What do you think would, would
24:10
change in that kind of a situation? Can you, can
24:13
you tell the difference when I say it?
24:14
Speaker 3: Yeah. Me walking in. Well, I'll, I'll say this. I don't,
24:20
Walking with the sadness, the eh part. I'm excited to
24:26
be at home. Okay. You know, and again, being on
24:29
the road five and a half years, you don't get
24:31
to see your family every single day. You know, so
24:35
I walk in the house and I'm instantly happy. I'm
24:39
excited to be there. And it's like everything outside is outside.
24:45
If that makes sense.
24:46
Speaker 2: It does. And you're on the right track with that.
24:48
But there's still something holding you back from actually stepping
24:52
fully into whatever it is because you wouldn't be having
24:54
this issue if there wasn't something holding you back.
24:57
Speaker 1: True.
24:58
Speaker 2: See what I'm saying? It's like a blind spot. You
24:59
may not be able to see it right now. And
25:02
it could come out three days from now. You may
25:05
not recognize it right now, but you could go on
25:07
with your life. And then after we have this conversation
25:10
and the one we had before, you'll be like doing something.
25:12
And then all of a sudden you go, oh. You know,
25:17
usually that's how it happens with me. I don't know
25:18
if that happens with you like that, but does that
25:21
make sense when I say that? Because there's just something
25:25
there that's on the surface or we wouldn't be talking
25:28
about this.
25:29
Speaker 3: When there is a revelation of whatever it may be
25:32
at that point, it's kind of a soft yet hard
25:36
hitting moment. Like I did a vlog and I was
25:41
just talking. Not ranting, not fussing and complaining, just getting
25:47
my thoughts out. And toward the end of it, I
25:51
was like, it's time I focus on myself. And it
25:53
was like eye opening because everything that I'm thinking, everything
26:00
that I'm doing, it's like, what about me?
26:04
Speaker 1: You know?
26:05
Speaker 3: And I broke down in tears, which goes back to
26:10
don't cry in the car. I was driving, you know,
26:14
And luckily I was close to my destination, but it
26:17
was just, I really don't focus on myself. I'm too
26:22
busy working and doing things to make sure, of course,
26:27
family is taken care of, make sure businesses stay afloat,
26:32
making sure everybody else is happy.
26:36
Speaker 1: And I.
26:38
Speaker 3: Mean that, I know that is somewhere deeply rooted from,
26:43
childhood trauma, but I don't think I've really had to
26:47
sit and just pick at it to figure out where
26:50
or dig. It's just, I know it's from something, you know,
26:54
to wholeheartedly care about it. I don't even want to
26:58
say wholeheartedly, but putting everyone before me.
27:03
Speaker 2: I know that. That's what I've been working on for
27:06
the last six years by putting everybody else first and
27:09
it never got me anywhere. And then when I started
27:12
focusing on myself, that's when things started shifting. So the
27:16
question I ask that I asked myself, because I kept
27:21
falling in a hole, literally it was a hole filled
27:24
with water, a dug hole in the mud and water
27:28
was going like this. Like I'm barely breathing. That's what
27:33
it felt like to me. And then I asked myself,
27:36
because this just came up one day, it was like,
27:39
when is it my turn? You high pitched again. So,
27:46
but here, here's the thing. It's now it's your turn.
27:51
Yesterday it was your turn, but there's something like, like
27:55
there's a fear in there that if you step out
27:59
and I'm coming from my perspective, because that's exactly what
28:01
kind of, it was like, if I step out, somebody
28:05
is going to be mad at me. Somebody is going
28:07
to be, you know, They don't want me to succeed
28:13
even though they want me to succeed. It was all
28:15
in my own head. Half the stuff that I went
28:18
through was all in my own head. It had nothing
28:19
to do with anybody else.
28:21
Speaker 3: Correct.
28:22
Speaker 2: So if you are stopping yourself, then guess what?
28:27
Speaker 3: I'm the problem.
28:30
Speaker 2: That wasn't what I was going to say. You went
28:32
right to the problem. I knew you were going to
28:35
say that. You are not a problem. Try that again.
28:40
Speaker 3: They need to change. Things need to change.
28:43
Speaker 2: If you are the one stopping yourself.
28:45
Speaker 3: Stop stopping myself.
28:48
Speaker 2: It hurts when I do this. What would you say
28:51
to me?
28:51
Speaker 3: Why are you doing it? Stop.
28:53
Speaker 2: Stop doing it. He keeps going high pitch on me.
28:57
Do you see this? I love this. You know, okay.
29:00
But that's what I'm, okay, so this needs or gets
29:04
to touch inside of you into that place that you
29:08
feel so uncomfortable with letting yourself be you. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Now,
29:21
I mean, what would it feel like if you actually...
29:26
It's always going to go back to feelings in the body.
29:28
Speaker 5: So what would it feel like if you would allow yourself,
29:32
just allow yourself, put your hands on your heart, close
29:36
your eyes, and feel just for– you.
29:39
Speaker 2: Don't even have to say it. what it is but
29:40
I'm gonna watch your face so what would it feel
29:44
like if you did get to trust yourself if you
29:47
did get to step out if you did get your
29:49
turn you've got your turn you've got it you have
29:54
it he's he's giving you your turn by being here
29:59
Or the setup is, go ahead.
30:02
Speaker 3: It would be no longer feeling like I'm suffocating myself.
30:09
Being able to breathe freely.
30:13
Speaker 2: So what word would, the first word that would pop
30:18
into your head after you say, and you notice you
30:21
said the same thing that I just mentioned about being
30:23
in the hole with the water lapping. I can't breathe
30:26
freely that way, right?
30:27
Speaker 1: Mm-hmm.
30:28
Speaker 2: So what's the first word that would pop into your
30:30
head when you think about breathing freely? Relaxed.
30:36
Speaker 3: Okay.
30:38
Speaker 2: Anything else? Big word.
30:40
Speaker 3: Big word.
30:41
Speaker 2: Big word.
30:42
Speaker 3: If we're going for a big word, I have to
30:45
go with a simple one. At peace.
30:49
Speaker 1: Okay.
30:49
Speaker 2: Well, that's everybody's goal. That's true. To feel at peace, though,
30:53
you have to feel something before you feel peaceful sometimes.
30:57
That's what I ran into. Because you're in charge of yourself.
31:03
Do you want me to give you the word? You
31:05
let me know if you resonate with it. Well, there
31:07
are two of them that came to me. Empowered and freedom.
31:12
Speaker 3: Freedom.
31:14
Speaker 4: Right.
31:15
Speaker 3: And it goes back to wanting to do this all day,
31:19
every day. You know, not literally.
31:22
Speaker 2: That's your freedom though. That's the freedom.
31:24
Speaker 3: Being able to freely create without having, you know, time
31:31
constraints with schedule. Okay. Scheduling.
31:35
Speaker 2: So let me ask you this question, regardless of the
31:37
schedule and the time constraints, go back into your body,
31:41
close your eyes, put your hands on your heart. What
31:44
does freedom feel like in your body? And where do
31:49
you feel it? Where would you feel it?
31:51
Speaker 3: What does it feel like and where do I feel it?
31:53
Speaker 2: Well, don't do the where yet. Just tell me what
31:57
that would feel like in your body. What is your body?
32:00
When you think of the word freedom, what does your
32:02
body feel like?
32:03
Speaker 3: At ease. I see a picture of just walking. No
32:09
care in the world. You know how they describe long
32:14
walks on the beach? It's kind of like that.
32:19
Speaker 2: The breeze blowing, the wind touching your skin, tingle, excitement maybe.
32:29
Speaker 3: Cool, calm.
32:30
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's peace. But yeah, yeah. Now, if you can
32:35
hold on to that, that is what you're aiming for.
32:41
And you come back to that every time you feel
32:44
like you are afraid of success. Because that is what
32:49
success looks like. Your version of success may be, I
32:54
have this great podcast and I'm doing all these businesses
32:57
and this and that. My version now, it was like
33:00
that before. You know where I'm going because I saw
33:02
you smile. My version of success at this point is peace.
33:07
It is freedom. So if you can imagine the freedom
33:13
as you live your life, That's your goal or the piece.
33:17
That's your intention, for lack of better words, goal. Does
33:21
that make sense?
33:22
Speaker 1: Yes.
33:23
Speaker 3: It's not having to wake up and worry about anything.
33:29
That's the other part, too.
33:31
Speaker 2: Well, let me tell you something. A human being, we
33:33
were talking about that. We've had a lot to worry about,
33:38
but if we stay in that worry, then nothing would
33:40
ever happen.
33:41
Speaker 1: Right.
33:42
Speaker 3: You know, when I say that, it's like, Oh, I
33:46
have to pay this bill. Oh, I have to pay
33:49
that bill. I'm also thinking of a time where it
33:55
didn't matter what had to be spent. It was just, okay.
34:00
Speaker 2: So go back to childhood. We were talking about this earlier.
34:04
What did it feel like when you were out playing
34:07
until 8, 9 o'clock at night when the sun came down?
34:10
Give me a word for that.
34:11
Speaker 1: What?
34:14
Speaker 3: It was awesome.
34:16
Speaker 2: Was it freedom?
34:18
Speaker 1: Yes.
34:19
Speaker 3: And I'm thinking back when I was like 15. We
34:24
just stayed out all night, you know, 9, 10 o'clock.
34:29
Speaker 2: But you can still have that. That's what I'm saying
34:32
is if you stop focusing on what you have to
34:34
do and how you need to feel or not feel
34:38
but be for your kids, for your wife, for your family,
34:41
for this, that, that. Only you.
34:43
Speaker 3: Mm-hmm.
34:44
Speaker 2: You're creating a space for yourself to be a lighthouse.
34:47
Because once you become that, you will attract these people.
34:51
It'll happen naturally anyway. That's just the... So I know
34:57
you know these things.
34:58
Speaker 3: I'm agreeing because as you're talking... Yeah, it's helping you
35:02
to cycle through. I remember this and that makes sense.
35:05
Speaker 2: You're kind of piecing things together from what I'm saying. Yeah,
35:08
but that's the thing. That's what I'm trying to do
35:10
because I know you've had some other... experiences to understand
35:14
this but um today is the first day of the
35:20
rest of your life it is that's not just a
35:23
statement well don't walk through it look at me because
35:28
i'm trying to get inside of you with a statement
35:31
because i want that statement to take hold Because this
35:35
is what's happening right now. Again, we wouldn't be here
35:39
sitting here talking like this if that's not what this was.
35:44
So universe, before it gives you the two by four,
35:48
is giving you another soft voice. What do they say?
35:54
Be still and know that I am God. No religion,
35:58
just freedom, peace. Just listen. Still small voice. It's also
36:04
inside of you. I want you to listen to that voice.
36:08
That's what's going to get you there. I agree. And
36:19
I know I got to do this. No, I don't
36:21
want to do this. Is that there too?
36:25
Speaker 3: I do know I push to do things, get things
36:30
done so that I can quote unquote breathe.
36:34
Speaker 2: Would you rather breathe first?
36:36
Speaker 3: Yes. So I have what I call lockaways. And these
36:42
are days there's no communication with anybody outside of my house.
36:50
I pre-warn the, I guess you could say the preliminary people,
36:54
the people that I talk to at least two or
36:57
three times a week. You know, some people twice a day.
37:02
I basically say I'm going on a lock away and
37:05
I don't do anything. Like, not like I'm in the
37:09
house moping. Oh, my life sucks. No, it's like I
37:14
can't deal with anything outside.
37:16
Speaker 2: Like a mental health day.
37:17
Speaker 1: Yes.
37:18
Speaker 3: Is that what? Okay.
37:19
Speaker 2: Yes.
37:19
Speaker 3: Okay. Some days I do lock, you know, lock in and.
37:24
I take care of whatever needs to be done work-wise.
37:27
But there are days where I won't even touch my computer.
37:30
There's no editing. There's no recording. It's just time with
37:34
the wife. I wish I could say that. I don't
37:36
have time for that. It's time with the kids. It's
37:39
time by myself. Spend that time with God. Okay, I'm
37:46
intentionally not doing anything today. What should I do? What
37:52
can I do? What have I not done? And watch
37:55
a movie with the wife. Go help cook. Go cook.
38:01
You know, play video games with the kids. And I've
38:06
been doing those a lot for the past year or two.
38:10
Speaker 2: And that helps.
38:12
Speaker 3: Oh, definitely. Definitely.
38:13
Speaker 2: Okay. Now I want to ask you a question, though.
38:17
What would you think about asking the question, what will
38:20
I be today instead of what will I do? Or
38:24
who will I be?
38:28
Speaker 3: Asking that question is way more simple than what I
38:31
would make it. Because it's like, what will I be? Today,
38:35
I will be father of the year. Today, I will
38:39
be husband of the year instead of.
38:42
Speaker 2: Yeah. And you just, I hear you. You just walked
38:46
right into the what will I do, though, in answering
38:49
that question. Who you be is who you are being
38:54
right now, just right there in the moment, present with me, talking.
39:01
But there's also options to go into the woods and
39:04
sit by a tree and not do anything. And that's
39:08
a be also. That's not a do. Does that make sense?
39:12
Like sometimes you've got to give, you know, the peace,
39:15
the quiet, the breeze. Nothing else. No external stuff coming
39:22
in at all. It's all inside. That's who you be.
39:26
That's when you'll find yourself. That's when you'll come together.
39:28
Things will start to happen. piecing themselves together like, you know,
39:32
that's success right there. Being able to just sit there
39:34
by a tree and not doing anything without anybody in there.
39:38
I know you love your family. I know you love
39:40
your children. I know you love your wife. I know
39:43
you love your friends. I know you love your coworkers.
39:45
I know you love people. But I want you to
39:47
love yourself. Mm-hmm. And so it is. Does that land,
39:55
that lands?
39:56
Speaker 3: Yes.
39:59
Speaker 2: But I want you to love yourself so much that
40:01
you will not, that you will at some point not worry.
40:05
Worry is a wasted emotion. You don't need to worry
40:08
about anything. Once you start getting into you and you
40:11
start doing for you and you take your turn, everything's
40:16
going to change. But you have to make that choice
40:20
to do that. Right now you're choosing not to do
40:22
that because you think you owe somebody something. A family,
40:26
your family, your parents, whoever told you that you have
40:31
to do it for your family name, you know, whatever
40:33
that is, you owe somebody something.
40:36
Speaker 3: Yes, that goes to what I, one of my guests
40:40
that was on my podcast, we were talking about that
40:42
and I was, and I literally said, I'm in a
40:45
space where I realize that I do not have to
40:48
be anybody's savior. So I'm in this space.
40:53
Speaker 2: Okay. Good timing that we're talking about this then. Yeah,
40:56
that's not your job. It's not your job to save anybody.
40:59
It's not even your job to save yourself. It's your
41:01
job to accept yourself, and it's your job to be
41:04
open to whatever comes next, but it's not your job
41:06
to save yourself.
41:08
Speaker 1: True.
41:08
Speaker 2: Or anybody. Definitely not anybody else. You don't have that
41:12
much control.
41:13
Speaker 3: Correct.
41:14
Speaker 5: You're right.
41:19
Speaker 2: Do you feel complete or do you have any questions
41:21
you want to ask me before I ask you? Hold
41:24
on a minute. Do you feel complete or do you
41:28
have any questions that you might want to ask me
41:30
before we go on to the questions I ask all
41:32
my guests? Because I'm giving you an opportunity here.
41:36
Speaker 3: Right now, I don't have any Questions, just a lot
41:39
of processing to do. That makes sense.
41:43
Speaker 2: Yeah, of course. I mean, is there something like you're
41:46
curious about how something works that you didn't really grasp
41:50
that you might want to? You're getting it. It's landing.
41:55
Does that mean it's landing?
41:57
Speaker 1: Yes.
41:58
Speaker 2: Yes. Okay. So we're going to ask you the questions. Okay.
42:03
This is going to be fun. This will really be fun.
42:06
All right. When something in your life no longer feels right,
42:11
how do you meet yourself in that space at this
42:16
time in your life?
42:18
Speaker 3: How do I meet myself in that space? Logically.
42:22
Speaker 2: We're going to have to go on for another hour.
42:25
Speaker 1: No.
42:28
Speaker 2: Do you know where, how do you meet yourself? It's
42:33
more of a, wait, I've got the words. Wanting connection
42:38
while also pulling back. How do you meet yourself?
42:46
Speaker 3: I want to say open arms, but you give me
42:48
this look.
42:49
Speaker 2: No, that's, that's not logically. I know I'm logical. I
42:52
get it. It's not about your brain. This has nothing
42:55
to do with your brain. How do you meet yourself?
42:57
Speaker 3: With open arms. It has to be acceptable. I'm trying to.
43:04
Speaker 2: Opening your arms to yourself, accepting yourself. Mm-hmm. Is that
43:07
what you mean?
43:08
Speaker 3: Yes. Processing through whatever.
43:13
Speaker 2: Finding your truth. Finding yourself. I mean, opening your heart.
43:17
That's beautiful.
43:18
Speaker 3: Yeah.
43:20
Speaker 2: And if that's what you do, that's awesome. I love that.
43:22
I mean, that's the point. Yeah. You don't want to
43:25
think about doing that. You want to do it.
43:26
Speaker 3: Yeah, you just do it.
43:28
Speaker 4: Yeah.
43:28
Speaker 3: Because sometimes there's nothing that needs to be said. It's
43:32
just meeting and sitting.
43:36
Speaker 4: And being?
43:38
Speaker 3: Being.
43:40
Speaker 2: Thank you.
43:41
Speaker 3: You're welcome.
43:42
Speaker 2: Well, that was honest. When we get into the whole
43:45
thinking and logicalizing things and all that, that's not being honest.
43:49
I had to figure that out. I'm very analytical. I
43:52
had to think my way through everything until I had
43:54
started feeling my way through everything.
43:57
Speaker 4: Right?
43:58
Speaker 3: Me too.
43:59
Speaker 2: Okay.
43:59
Speaker 1: See?
44:01
Speaker 2: What does awakening feel like for you in your own experience?
44:10
Speaker 3: I'm not sure.
44:13
Speaker 2: If you knew the answer, what would it feel like?
44:17
Speaker 3: I have to go back to that piece.
44:24
Speaker 2: There's no wrong answer to this. It's not a trick question.
44:28
I promise you. I know.
44:31
Speaker 3: I'm trying to find the feeling, you know, because that's
44:34
what you asked. It would be.
44:36
Speaker 2: Okay, let's try something else. You ready?
44:38
Speaker 1: Sure.
44:38
Speaker 2: I don't do this with anybody. You just lucked out.
44:41
Put your hands on your heart. Close your eyes. Feel
44:47
what awakening would feel like to you in your heart.
44:54
Speaker 3: A deep breath.
44:56
Speaker 2: A deep breath.
44:56
Speaker 3: Taking a deep breath and just letting it go.
45:01
Speaker 2: Beautiful. See, now was that so hard? I know, but
45:07
that's why I did that because I knew it was
45:08
a little tricky there.
45:09
Speaker 3: Okay.
45:10
Speaker 2: When you hear soul divinity, what does that mean to you?
45:15
Speaker 3: Souls divinity.
45:16
Speaker 2: Soul divinity. No S at the end of it. Soul.
45:18
Soul divinity. It's the name of my podcast.
45:21
Speaker 3: Okay.
45:22
Speaker 2: Soul divinity. What does that mean to you?
45:26
Speaker 3: There are different.
45:30
Speaker 2: Put your hands on your heart. I know. Put your
45:34
hands on your, it's not about the words. It's about
45:36
the feeling.
45:37
Speaker 1: Yes.
45:38
Speaker 3: I'm trying to describe the feeling.
45:40
Speaker 2: Just describe it. You don't have to.
45:42
Speaker 3: It's complete.
45:43
Speaker 2: And in your case, is it also connection?
45:46
Speaker 3: Connection.
45:47
Speaker 2: That's how you get connection without pulling back. Okay.
45:58
Speaker 1: Okay.
45:58
Speaker 2: Um, If someone feels connected to you or your work,
46:03
which now is a good time to tell people what
46:05
you do, how can they find you? Tell them what
46:08
you do first and then tell them how they can
46:10
find you.
46:11
Speaker 3: So I do a lot, honestly.
46:13
Speaker 2: Because we've discovered, right.
46:15
Speaker 3: And that is possibly why a lot of these, again,
46:19
go back to me just doing and not thinking and
46:23
not processing. I'm a videographer.
46:27
Speaker 2: Let me stop you there.
46:29
Speaker 1: Mm-hmm.
46:30
Speaker 2: The things that make your heart sing. Just share those.
46:33
Speaker 3: Not everything. Videography. I'm lead videographer at Outlook Studios. I
46:39
am the studio manager at Charlotte Podcast Studio. Co-owner, co-host
46:46
of Artbox Charlotte. Video editor. Again, I do a lot.
46:54
I know I'm missing some stuff. It's okay. For the
46:57
most part, you can find me on all social media
47:00
platforms at Tay with the edits. T-A-E-W-I-T-H-T-H-E-E-D-I-T-S. That part right
47:09
there always trips me up because it's two E's. Yes.
47:13
So you can find me there.
47:16
Speaker 2: What about your podcast? What's the name of your podcast?
47:17
Speaker 3: The podcast is Creative Roots Podcast.
47:20
Speaker 2: Creative Roots.
47:21
Speaker 1: Okay.
47:22
Speaker 3: Creative Roots Podcast. On all social media platforms.
47:25
Speaker 2: So we're going to have all those links in the
47:29
description anyway. But I wanted you to share it because
47:32
that's what I do. Yes.
47:35
Speaker 1: Yes.
47:35
Speaker 2: Is there anything else that feels present for you to
47:39
share with the audience before we close?
47:45
Speaker 3: I would say work through, based on today, work through
47:52
the feelings first. Not the logical aspect of it. And
47:57
that's basically what you just taught me. Don't just think, feel.
48:05
Speaker 2: Yes.
48:05
Speaker 3: Feel it.
48:06
Speaker 4: Yes.
48:06
Speaker 2: Thank you. I'm glad that resonated because that's like we're humans.
48:12
We feel. That's our job. So thank you for saying
48:15
that because most people don't remember sometimes when they're wrapped
48:20
up in stuff. So that's important. Say it one more time.
48:24
Speaker 3: Think through the feeling, not through the logic.
48:27
Speaker 4: What?
48:27
Speaker 3: Feel it. He said think.
48:29
Speaker 2: I know. I caught that.
48:30
Speaker 3: Feel it.
48:32
Speaker 2: Just feel it.
48:32
Speaker 3: Just feel it.
48:33
Speaker 2: Just feel it.
48:35
Speaker 3: Feel it. What are you feeling?
48:38
Speaker 2: Okay. This is the.
48:42
Speaker 1: Okay.
48:44
Speaker 2: This is the.
48:47
Fonte, thank you for being here and for your willingness
48:51
to have this conversation with such honesty and openness. I
48:55
think this conversation is a powerful reminder that so many
48:58
of us know what it feels like to be caught
49:00
in between, wanting connection while also pulling away, wondering what's
49:04
next or simply feeling the weight of life, and that
49:07
becoming aware of where we are without needing to have
49:10
it all figured out can open the door to something different.
49:14
And to our audience, thank you for being here with
49:16
us on Awakening Soul Divinity. If this conversation resonated with you,
49:21
take a moment to subscribe, share it with someone who
49:24
may need it, or leave a comment below. If you're
49:27
an empath or highly sensitive person who is having a
49:30
hard time feeling overwhelmed, moving through grief, or finding yourself
49:34
repeating the same patterns and relationships, I invite you to
49:38
learn more about coming home. in the description below. Until
49:42
next time, welcome home.