Latest / Libido Lounge / Overcome Eating Disorders and ADHD using the power of PLEASURE with August McLaughlin
Transcript
- 0:00Women in particular are getting diagnosed more often is because our brains weren't studied as
- 0:04much.
- 0:04It wasn't expected to be a thing for women, and it might present differently.
- 0:07You can't just push the stop button on thoughts and they disappear.
- 0:11They actually the more we try to that, the louder they can be.
- 0:15I think it's really important to have a a little bit of a game plan if that happens to
- 0:19you.
- 0:19I developed a very severe eating disorder.
- 0:22I did talk therapy.
- 0:24I met with a dietitian.
- 0:26There was kind of like this day program I was doing.
- 0:29And nothing was really helping very much.
- 0:32But I was sitting in this college classroom, and one day we were talking about sex, which
- 0:38floored me.
- 0:39Because even though I had had sex and considered myself into sex, I had realized I
- 0:47never talked about it.
- 0:48Like, even with the person I was having it with, whatever those things are to make it more
- 0:52pleasurable for yourself, I think is totally worth it.
- 0:55Just because you started sex doesn't mean you have to keep doing it exactly as you were and
- 0:59stay at it.
- 1:00A good partner wants to know how they can make things more pleasurable for you.
- 1:04So I really see ADHD as a totally just unique kind of brain style, and it feels very
- 1:11disordered.
- 1:12So the challenges I see often are things like one big strength and beautiful thing that I
- 1:19find is that people with ADHD tend to if you're having the same sex over and over and over
- 1:24again, it it's just not gonna be as fun for you.
- 1:31Hey, everybody.
- 1:32Quick break out our episode to talk to you about our sponsor, My Libido Doc.
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- 2:14Now back to our show.
- 2:16Hi, everybody.
- 2:18Welcome to another episode of The Lounge.
- 2:20I'm your host, doctor Diane, board certified sexologist, libido expert, and I have an
- 2:25amazing guest for you today.
- 2:27We're talking about body image.
- 2:29We're talking about how you feel during sex to actually enjoy sex.
- 2:34We're talking about eating disorders and the relationship to their sex to your sexuality, as
- 2:39well as things like ADHD, which is just rampant in today's society.
- 2:45And we're gonna talk about that and how that can impact your ability to be present during
- 2:49sex, to enjoy intimacy with your partner, and so much more.
- 2:52And, you know, I think this conversation applies to almost anybody because all these
- 2:58simple things that can happen during sex such as, I'm sure people can relate to this, right,
- 3:03where it's like you turn one way and your partner touches your thigh or your belly or
- 3:07whatever, and it's like, you know, you can feel yourself sometimes, like, shrinking back or
- 3:11wanting to pull away or, like, not being comfortable with, like, being touched in that
- 3:16particular part of your body.
- 3:17All of these types of things are actually limiting the capacity to be present with your
- 3:24partner, with yourself, to enjoy intimacy, and so much more.
- 3:27So that's why I wanted to bring this expert on for you guys today.
- 3:32So everybody meet August, and welcome to the show, August.
- 3:36Thank you so much for having me.
- 3:38It's it's such a pleasure, and I know you have, you know, your own history with eating
- 3:44disorders, and I know that that this is a huge part of what we wanna talk about today is,
- 3:48like, how can we have more body confidence?
- 3:51How can we just love our body and all of those parts that we may judge ourselves for or feel
- 3:58shame before shame for?
- 3:59How can we get through all this in order to really deeply enjoy sex?
- 4:03And I think because it's such a, you know, a sensitive conversation, it would be really
- 4:10lovely if if you would mind sharing your story on your process with this and why you've now
- 4:17dedicated so much of your life to helping people with this similar type of scenario.
- 4:22Yeah.
- 4:22So I grew up, like a lot of folks, not learning a lot about sex, and I learned some pretty
- 4:28negative things.
- 4:29And I didn't really realize that it was affecting me.
- 4:32I didn't even know I had any shame around sexuality.
- 4:35I had had my first boyfriend, and I'd had a sexual relationship with him, and I enjoyed
- 4:41sex.
- 4:42And I was traveling after high school.
- 4:45I started traveling in the fashion industry, and I developed a very severe eating disorder.
- 4:51I was living in Paris at the time.
- 4:53I actually collapsed during a morning run, and it was a very scary situation.
- 4:59And when I went back to my hometown in Minnesota, I tried all the conventional stuff.
- 5:05I did talk therapy.
- 5:07I met with a dietitian.
- 5:09There was kind of, like, this day program I was doing, and nothing was really helping very
- 5:15much.
- 5:15And that's not to say the treatment wasn't quality.
- 5:17It's just that what helped me was so surprising to me.
- 5:22And I saw a lot of it in hindsight, how impactful, but I was sitting in this college
- 5:26classroom, basically taking classes so I'd have something besides treatment to think about, and
- 5:32it was a psychology of women course.
- 5:34And one day, we were talking about sex, which floored me when the teacher announced the
- 5:39topic.
- 5:40Because even though I had had sex and considered myself into sex, I realized I'd
- 5:48never talked about it.
- 5:49Like, even with the person I was having it with, we didn't we didn't really talk about it.
- 5:54And so I felt myself, like, glancing around the room, like, is is anyone else feeling this
- 6:00strange disconnect right now?
- 6:02Like, are we supposed to talk about this?
- 6:04And that led to this whole deep dive, introspective journey.
- 6:10I got angry in a really healthy way about the societal things that had stood in the way of me
- 6:19embracing my sexuality, respecting my full body and full self.
- 6:24Like, there was this big missing piece, like, big gap.
- 6:29And I started to just dive very deeply into that, like, why didn't I learn about sex?
- 6:33I couldn't I literally couldn't stop talking about sex.
- 6:36It started to kind of frighten some of the shy Minnesotans around me, but it was really
- 6:41empowering for me.
- 6:42And later, I realized that that truly was the day that I stopped wanting to hurt my body.
- 6:50I stopped wanting to starve myself.
- 6:54I stopped wanting to restrict.
- 6:55And it's not like, poof, I was better, of course.
- 6:58As I'm sure you know, it's a very complicated illness.
- 7:01I was originally diagnosed with anorexia, then I dealt with a lot of binge eating.
- 7:05And it was probably a ten year process of fully moving past it, and I consider myself fully
- 7:13recovered.
- 7:14But the most impactful things were, for me, I don't think I would have healed without talking
- 7:21about sex and without deciding to really explore.
- 7:25And I really started exploring after that and discovering my body's capacity for pleasure,
- 7:31and it brought this whole new respect for my body and then, by extension, myself.
- 7:37So this is so important, so interesting.
- 7:41I'm I'm curious from a standpoint of, you know, that turning point.
- 7:44Right?
- 7:44That turning point moment where, like, wow.
- 7:46I'm I'm going to make different decisions.
- 7:48I'm not gonna hurt myself in these ways.
- 7:50Was it anything that can you think of, like, a specific thing that was said?
- 7:55Was there an moment?
- 7:56Was it more just, like, bigger picture, like, understanding, oh, my body has the capacity for
- 8:02all of these things, and the more we, like, respect our body's, like, ability for pleasure,
- 8:08it leads to, you know, perhaps more respect in other areas, or is it something else?
- 8:11I'm just throwing out random ideas Yeah.
- 8:13To Do you have any idea what what that turning point really was?
- 8:17Yeah.
- 8:18I think there were multiple turning points, and one was the oh my gosh, I haven't talked about
- 8:24sex for sure.
- 8:25Another was then this feeling of really truly letting go during sex, which I don't think I
- 8:34had done before.
- 8:35There were a couple of times where I just felt myself not thinking about my body or what my
- 8:43partner was thinking of my body.
- 8:45That was huge.
- 8:46And then a very profound moment for me was years later, I was around 30 years old when I
- 8:53masturbated to orgasm for the first time.
- 8:56Mhmm.
- 8:56And I didn't think that I could do that.
- 9:01I didn't think I, quote, unquote, needed or wanted to do that.
- 9:05I was like, well, if I'm in a relationship, you know, and circumstances just led to this
- 9:10impromptu self pleasure session.
- 9:12And when I reached orgasm, I burst into tears.
- 9:16It was so powerful, and it actually is what inspired me to start Girl Boner first as a blog
- 9:21series because it showed me that I had been seeing sex as something that was dependent on
- 9:30another person, that my sexuality was not my own, that it was a shared thing or it was a
- 9:37responsive thing.
- 9:38And truly, it it's mine, and that changed everything.
- 9:43It changed the course of my career.
- 9:46And importantly, it changed all of my intimate and, you know, romantic and sexual experiences
- 9:51moving forward.
- 9:53So then tell me because I I love, like, the whole concept, right, of, like, pleasure as a
- 9:58gateway for healing, and that's actually what got me into this work too, and we'll talk about
- 10:02that.
- 10:03You know, I'm sure on, the show when you interview me, like, one of the intro things for
- 10:07me, just, like, two seconds was I was experiencing this really crazy vulvar pain for
- 10:13many, many, many months.
- 10:14Nobody could figure out it was all normal tests for this were normal, where all tests for this
- 10:18were normal, couldn't sleep, etcetera, etcetera.
- 10:21Did my first masturbation session of my life.
- 10:24This was in my early twenties, and pain went away.
- 10:28And I did it again, and the pain went away and, like, did this a few times, and it was, like,
- 10:31after months.
- 10:32And then all of a sudden, it was just, oh my gosh.
- 10:34Like, I don't have pain anymore, like, through self pleasure.
- 10:37So, you know, kind of a similar, you know, pleasure heals kind of experience for you.
- 10:43And so I'm curious then for, like, your work, right, then, like, how like, if somebody is
- 10:49struggling with whether it's a, you know, full blown eating order, whether it's just, like,
- 10:53body dysmorphia, not feeling uncomfortable in one's body, judging oneself after they eat.
- 10:59It well, there's so many different versions, right, of what healthy eating versus eating
- 11:04disorder looks like.
- 11:05And I think because of our society, so many humans and and probably, you know, more women
- 11:11than men, but I think I think men too have these a lot of self judgment on how their
- 11:17bodies look.
- 11:19So where do people, like, in your methodology with what you've seen with, like, pleasure as a
- 11:24supportive tool for that, where do people, like, begin to help, like, start unwinding this
- 11:30and, you know, really start to heal their body from this, you know, this negative self talk
- 11:36and on and on and on and on.
- 11:37Yeah.
- 11:38I love journaling as an entry point because when people are really gripped by self shame
- 11:44and really intense negative thoughts about their body and their appearance and food and
- 11:48eating and all of that, journaling provides a place whether you freehand write it, you can do
- 11:54it audio files.
- 11:56There's so many ways to journal.
- 11:57You can paint your thoughts out.
- 11:59But really expressing what you do feel about your body and about sex.
- 12:04And ask yourself what you learned about sex and about appearance and about your body.
- 12:09And really, just without any self judgment, just let the words pour onto a page.
- 12:15You can put someone else's name on it, throw it away later, whatever you need to do to just
- 12:19feel totally private about it.
- 12:21I think that's a really, really powerful tool because often we're having thoughts we aren't
- 12:26even really realizing.
- 12:27They're so embedded in us.
- 12:29And then start questioning those thoughts.
- 12:31Take what if you have a thought that really kinda haunts you, like, oh, my my breasts are
- 12:36too small or too flabby or too saggy or whatever it is.
- 12:40Like, take a thought and really question it, and really go through kind of your own self
- 12:47awareness process with debunking that thought as much as you can.
- 12:51I think that's really powerful.
- 12:52I think spending time with your own body is so key because, really, if you think about it,
- 12:59when we are being critical of our body, it has so much to do with how we feel other people or
- 13:05our partner, for example, are perceiving it.
- 13:08Right?
- 13:08So take them out of the picture and spend time whether it's naked or maybe in your skivvies,
- 13:15whatever your comfort level is.
- 13:18Spend a few minutes, five minutes, twenty minutes alone naked, and really start to try to
- 13:25feel a little more comfortable with your body being a body.
- 13:29Like, just let it be a body.
- 13:31I think that's really powerful.
- 13:33And then when you're having sex with a partner or partners, I think it's really important to
- 13:38let yourself have tools.
- 13:39You don't have to I think we can have shame about having shame.
- 13:43You know what I mean?
- 13:43Where
- 13:43it's like Oh, absolutely.
- 13:44Oh my gosh.
- 13:45I'm I believe in you know, I'm a feminist.
- 13:48I should just love my body the way it is, and I shouldn't care what other people think.
- 13:52Just toss that stuff out into the garbage.
- 13:55Put it in, like, a brain spam folder because it's not your fault, and thoughts and feelings
- 14:00just happen.
- 14:01So if you can just put that aside somehow and let yourself use a tool.
- 14:07If it helps you to feel more comfortable by having the lights really dim when you're having
- 14:11sex, great.
- 14:12Start there.
- 14:13Maybe it's lighting candles.
- 14:15Some people like because it's a little more flattering.
- 14:18Maybe it's not having sex right after a meal when you feel a little, like, bloaty or gassy.
- 14:23You know, just whatever those things are to make it more pleasurable for yourself, I think,
- 14:27is totally worth it.
- 14:29Yeah.
- 14:29I I really like in the beginning part of what you're saying with journaling.
- 14:33There's a, you know, there's a thing that I think we do as humans, which is believe
- 14:37everything that goes through our head as true.
- 14:40And, you know, it's like just because we have the thought doesn't actually mean that it's
- 14:44true at all.
- 14:45So that journaling, like, you're talking about around, like, okay.
- 14:48Well, what is the thought and, like, disproving it, debunking it?
- 14:50Like, is this actually, like, true?
- 14:53Meaning, like, you know, from a truth perspective, like, everybody in the world
- 14:57believes this.
- 14:58Right?
- 14:58Like, we could say, like, okay.
- 14:59How we're gonna define truth.
- 15:02There are so many truths that we say are truth that are actually not true at all.
- 15:05It's just like a random thought that we decide to to hold onto there.
- 15:09And what about so I understand, you know, from what you're saying around, okay.
- 15:15Let's take a a moment, and let's actually, like, be with our body and, like, just look at
- 15:19it as a body and and all of that.
- 15:22What about, like, when somebody is, say, in the middle of being with a partner?
- 15:26So, like, now we're intimate.
- 15:28We're in that moment.
- 15:29We've done some of the suggestions.
- 15:31We're not, you know, having sex right after a meal.
- 15:34We're having sex maybe before, so we feel, like, a little more in our body and comfortable
- 15:38there.
- 15:38And we're doing all these things, but we still get into the bedroom and our partner touches us
- 15:44in this way and we feel our body contract or move their hand.
- 15:47Or here's another story that I think people sometimes do, which is, like, okay.
- 15:53So partner touches you here.
- 15:55Right?
- 15:55So maybe it's a belly.
- 15:56Right?
- 15:57Partner touches belly and then partner moves a hand away real fast.
- 16:01And it's so easy in those moments to be like like that moment can literally just be like
- 16:06like your partner just is wanting to touch a different part of your body now, and that's
- 16:09probably what it is.
- 16:10But I think it's so easy in those moments then to make up a story and have this thought that
- 16:16it's like, oh, they're moving their hand because it is what I think.
- 16:20Like, they they did feel my roles and they don't like them or whatever the story may be.
- 16:25So so my question is, like, in real time, how do we stop, like, in the middle of that
- 16:31intimate act, how do we stop in real time those thoughts from taking over and and really
- 16:37beginning to, like, drop deeper into, hey.
- 16:40No.
- 16:40I'm actually present with my body, myself, my partner, the intimacy, on and on and on.
- 16:44Yeah.
- 16:45That can be so tricky.
- 16:46I totally get that.
- 16:47And it's hard because you
- 16:49Just a quick break to let you know that eighty percent of women do not have orgasms from
- 16:54vaginal intercourse alone.
- 16:57So many people are not having the type of sex that is healing, that brings them closer, that
- 17:02brings them more connected, that is full of so much pleasure and passion that it can build
- 17:08bones, reduce stress, help serotonin, bring happiness, lower anxiety, improve sleep, and
- 17:14build a better connection with your partner.
- 17:17That is what hot and modern monogamy is, is modern monogamy that brings in all of that
- 17:24passion, that desire, that closeness, and that healing, and that's what you can get at the Hot
- 17:29and Modern Monogamy Club.
- 17:30So if you're interested in that and I can help you, please go to modernmonogamyclub.com.
- 17:36Now back to our show.
- 17:37You can't just push the stop button on thoughts, and they disappear.
- 17:41They actually the more we try to do that, the louder they can be sometimes.
- 17:45So Yeah.
- 17:46I think it's really important to have a a little bit of a game plan if that happens to
- 17:50you, you know, pretty regularly.
- 17:52I would say one thing is to redirect your energy to a sensation somewhere.
- 17:58So if you are having these thoughts, okay.
- 18:00So I have these thoughts about the hand moving away from my belly, my belly this, my belly
- 18:05that.
- 18:06You go into this big dive into that.
- 18:08Think about something that feels good in your body.
- 18:10It could be your feet, feeling the sheets down below.
- 18:14It could be touching your partner and really focusing on the pleasure of feeling your
- 18:20partner's face or, you know, or their pelvic region or their their thighs.
- 18:26It's totally okay to divert the activity.
- 18:29And I think when those thoughts are really gripping, if you're really struggling, it's
- 18:33totally okay and sometimes very healing to take a pause and and just gently say, hey.
- 18:39Could we could we just stop for one second?
- 18:40I'm telling myself a story about something, about my body.
- 18:44I'm just feeling a little off right now.
- 18:46And maybe you have a conversation about it, or maybe you do something else.
- 18:50Maybe you play a game, or you, you know, put your clothes on and go for a walk or something.
- 18:54You don't just because you started sex doesn't mean you have to keep doing it exactly as you
- 18:59were and stay at it.
- 19:01But sometimes those conversations, even if they don't happen during sex, which just can be a
- 19:05tough time, I realize, it's good to put a pin in it and and bring it up at some point if it's
- 19:10with a committed partner because a good partner wants to know how they can make things more
- 19:16pleasurable for you.
- 19:17And wouldn't you hate it if you were, you know, having sex with a partner and they are sitting
- 19:21there thinking, oh my gosh.
- 19:23She just looked at my, you know, my belly in a certain way, and now I can't stop thinking
- 19:28about how much she hates my belly.
- 19:29And, you know, I think it could be really good to bring light to those things because it is a
- 19:34very human thing.
- 19:35And when we say it out loud sometimes, it takes the steam out
- 19:37of it.
- 19:38Yeah.
- 19:38And I think so many times we just, like, like, either shame ourselves like we're talking about
- 19:42or push it under the rug and not address it even as later like you're talking about.
- 19:47And these things, like, they don't go away.
- 19:49Like, that's that's the thing.
- 19:51It's like they don't go away when we just ignore them and don't bring them to the
- 19:54surface.
- 19:55So I think it's really important advice.
- 19:57And I know we could stay on this topic all day, but I want to make sure we have time to talk
- 20:01about the ADHD's component of things as well since that's another area that you specialize
- 20:07in.
- 20:07And, you know, we're just seeing more and more and more people that have an ADHD diagnosis,
- 20:14which I think there's a lot of different reasons for.
- 20:16But I am curious about what you've seen then in your work as pleasure, as a way to help work
- 20:23with ADHD.
- 20:24And and I guess to take a step back, maybe let's start with how have you seen that ADHD
- 20:29can actually impact sex and intimacy and and be something that is maybe preventing people from
- 20:36experiencing the fullness of pleasure?
- 20:38Sure.
- 20:38So I really see ADHD as a totally just unique kind of brain style.
- 20:44Right?
- 20:45And it feels very disordered, I know, from my own experience, in a world or certain
- 20:50environments that are not set up for a brain like yours.
- 20:54So I think it's important to have the self awareness because, especially now, I think one
- 20:59reason women in particular are getting diagnosed more often is because our brains
- 21:03weren't studied as much.
- 21:04It wasn't expected to be a thing for women, and it might present differently.
- 21:08So I think learning what you can and learning about your ADHD strengths can really help.
- 21:14But from a sex standpoint, I think the brain is so huge in every person's sexuality.
- 21:22So it's not like an ADHD person is like the ADHD person is this anomaly where their brain
- 21:29is totally impacting sex.
- 21:31Everyone's brain does.
- 21:31Right?
- 21:32Just totally in different ways, and we bring strengths to the table too.
- 21:36So the challenges I see often are things like having ruminating thoughts that are not just,
- 21:43like, these thoughts that are a little troublesome, but, like, a hyperfocus ruminating
- 21:48where it just won't stop for days, weeks.
- 21:51I mean, it's very, very severe.
- 21:53That's one that can keep you from wanting to engage in sex at all if they have to do with
- 21:58your body or they have to do with sexuality.
- 22:01Sometimes it's that you're just so scattered, and you're, like your brain is going a million
- 22:08different directions, and something else is really distracting you.
- 22:11So it's very hard to be present, and you feel like you're supposed to be totally present,
- 22:16which is a myth, by the way.
- 22:17I think you can be semi present and still enjoy sex, and sometimes it's the sex that brings us
- 22:23into the present.
- 22:24Mhmm.
- 22:25One big strength and beautiful thing that I find is that people with ADHD tend to often
- 22:32have a very zen benefit from sex because sometimes it's the one place that we feel very
- 22:39mindful and present in the now.
- 22:42And it's very hard for anybody with any kind of brain to think about something that's stressful
- 22:49or bothersome during orgasm.
- 22:52I mean, it's it kinda overtakes everything.
- 22:54Yeah.
- 22:54So it can be so therapeutic, and I think that's beautiful.
- 22:57I also find that ADHD folks tend to be creative thinkers, very passionate people, and those are
- 23:04huge strengths that you can bring to sexuality.
- 23:08At the same time, you might have to really advocate for that because novelty is exciting
- 23:15for most people in terms of sex, especially in long term relationships.
- 23:19But if you're an ADHD person, it's, I would say, vital to have some way to infuse novelty
- 23:26and exploration.
- 23:27Because if you're having the same sex over and over and over again, it it's just not gonna be
- 23:31as fun for you, and I think that can cause disconnect and libido challenges.
- 23:36So just being aware of those things and and not feeling like you have to try to be like another
- 23:43style brained person.
- 23:44Like, bring all of your you ness to the bedroom, and that includes your brain, however
- 23:49it functions.
- 23:51Yeah.
- 23:51I love that so much.
- 23:52I think there's just so much permission in what you say, and and I think sometimes we can
- 23:57listen to, you know, sexologists and podcasts and all the different things we learn, and it's
- 24:02like, oh, like, if it doesn't it's not this one way, it has it's it's wrong or any of that, and
- 24:07there's just so much permission to be like, you know what?
- 24:08If your mind it's it's about the practice of being present and your mind wanders, like, just
- 24:13bring it back when you notice it kinda thing, and and allow yourself the permission without
- 24:17the shaming.
- 24:18Right?
- 24:18Yes.
- 24:18Yes.
- 24:19Absolutely.
- 24:20And let your chattery brain chatter.
- 24:22Yeah.
- 24:22Like, it's okay if like, you know how they'd say with meditation, some people think, oh, you
- 24:27can only meditate if you are completely still and have no Right.
- 24:31Right?
- 24:31Like, it's the same type of thing.
- 24:33There's actually research around this that you don't have to have a totally you know, I think
- 24:39it was called, like, monkey mind.
- 24:41You could have monkey mind and still enjoy your sex.
- 24:43So it's okay.
- 24:44Bring your busy mind to the to sex whenever you want.
- 24:47And if you need to talk something through first and get it off your chest, go for it.
- 24:52But I I think that's a really big thing is is that permission to give yourself and say, it's
- 24:57okay.
- 24:57Let those thoughts just party away, and eventually, that orgasm will probably take
- 25:01over.
- 25:02Yeah.
- 25:03I I actually studied meditation for a very long time, got certified in a certain form of it,
- 25:07and went pretty deep down.
- 25:09And one of the one of my teachers over the years, he like, one of the things that he would
- 25:12say is, like, meditation is not the practice of a still mind.
- 25:16Meditation is recognizing, like, oh, then my mind went over there, and now I'm gonna
- 25:21practice bringing it back to the to the moment.
- 25:23So it's just like with sex, we can apply the same thing.
- 25:26Right?
- 25:26It's not that it's about being present the entire time, but it's about having that that
- 25:31awareness or that intention around like, oh, maybe, like, my mind's over there.
- 25:36When I notice it, I'm just gonna bring it back.
- 25:38It's then I'm just gonna focus on the pleasure and the orgasm in those moments, and nobody's
- 25:42doing it wrong just because that happens.
- 25:45Right?
- 25:45So well said.
- 25:47Yes.
- 25:47I wanna have you all set.
- 25:50When thinking about, you know, when thinking about this, like, have you then seen any other
- 25:54benefits?
- 25:54Like, know, you know, we're we can say a bazillion different things.
- 25:58And actually, I'm gonna take a step back because there's something I wanna ask you
- 26:00first, which is you said something about novelty earlier, and that's another a question
- 26:05or a conversation I have a lot on this podcast.
- 26:07And I am since that is something you brought up, I am very interested in, like, in working
- 26:12with couples.
- 26:13What are some of the ways that you like to encourage, like, the conversation or the ways
- 26:19to help people that are especially in long term relationships, bring novelty back?
- 26:24What are some ways to help people engage in that convo?
- 26:27Sure.
- 26:28So a lot of my work is storytelling.
- 26:31Right?
- 26:32And I love listening to reading stories.
- 26:36I think that that is a really powerful way for folks to get ideas for things.
- 26:41So I interview folks about their most extraordinary sex experiences, and then I
- 26:46create these narrative episodes for my podcast.
- 26:49And then I also have books that are full of stories too.
- 26:52And so I think that one really powerful way is to whether it's through podcasts or books,
- 26:57there's wonderful erotica anthologies.
- 27:00I don't know if you know Rebecca Kramer Bustle, but she has edited a whole bunch of amazing
- 27:07erotica anthologies.
- 27:09Her final one, I think.
- 27:11I think it's her final one just released.
- 27:13They have different themes.
- 27:14Some of them are kink themed.
- 27:15Some of them are orgasm themed, And it's a wonderful way to get a taste for all different
- 27:21kinds of ways that people engage in pleasure.
- 27:24Now, not all of them might be realistic.
- 27:26Like, I think she has some there's sex with an alien.
- 27:29Like, there's some things that are, like, kind of might feel kind of out there to you.
- 27:33But even still, there's something so sexy about these fantasies.
- 27:38So you get to learn what your fantasies are.
- 27:41You can maybe trade maybe you hear a story on a podcast or you read a story in a book, and it
- 27:48really gets you excited or curious.
- 27:50It's a really fun thing to share with a partner and say, like, hey.
- 27:53What do you think of this?
- 27:55I think it's a really powerful way to do it.
- 27:57And then what you can do is you could even take, like, let's say, thirty days where you,
- 28:03either by yourself or if you have a partner and you want them to engage too, you each jot down
- 28:09these ideas that come to you.
- 28:10They don't have to be ideas that you totally wanna do.
- 28:14Just potential things that maybe you haven't tried or you haven't tried together.
- 28:19You know, maybe it's trying a feather wand that you heard about that you, you know, brush over
- 28:24the skin.
- 28:25Maybe it's temperature play with a massage candle.
- 28:28Maybe it's a certain type of role play.
- 28:30Maybe it's reading sexy things to each other.
- 28:33So you just jot these things down, and then at the end of the month, you could just put them
- 28:37all into, like, a jar or just keep them in list fashion.
- 28:40If you use the jar, you just pull one out and say, do we wanna try this?
- 28:44And either you try it or at least you talk about it.
- 28:47And I think talking about it can sometimes be the fun activity.
- 28:50It's great.
- 28:51Or you can turn it into a yes, no, maybe list where both of you go through each item and
- 28:56decide, like, is this is this a yes for you?
- 28:58Is this something you don't wanna try right now?
- 29:01So really using other people's experiences and stories and even, like, fiction.
- 29:07Even in movies, maybe you jot down a scene from a movie that touched you in a certain way.
- 29:11It's a really fun, way that takes out the whole, like, I have to think of something part
- 29:16that can feel like homework.
- 29:18There's so many ideas already out there.
- 29:20Oh, it's I love this advice so much, because even in thinking about, like, fantasy, like
- 29:25you're talking about, like, one is the creation of the fantasy, but two, sometimes, if couples
- 29:29haven't talked about this, sometimes I find that there's this, you know, this apprehension
- 29:34or almost this, like, like, fear that comes up around starting to share their fantasies for
- 29:40the first time.
- 29:40So when it's, like, initially presented as, like, hey, I read this in a book.
- 29:46Like, what do you think about it?
- 29:47It has a different sort of energy of of, like, bringing something to the table to, like, co
- 29:52talk about it from, a yes, no, maybe way versus, wow.
- 29:55I've been fantasizing this for for years.
- 29:57And I think those things are also great to talk about.
- 29:59But as an intro, sometimes it's like, okay, where is the softer, easier first step to
- 30:05getting into it?
- 30:06And and I absolutely love, love, love, love this advice so much.
- 30:11So is there anything we're we're actually getting close to the time here.
- 30:15It just goes so fast.
- 30:16Is there anything though in this episode and then everybody, I mean, we are for the libido
- 30:21club gonna be talking about part two with August, which is all gonna be about your brain
- 30:26on orgasm.
- 30:27So I'm gonna ask August here a question around, like, what are we missing?
- 30:31What do you guys need to know?
- 30:33And talk to you talk to you guys a little bit about where to get ahold of her, how to find
- 30:36some of the literature she's talking about, her podcast, all these amazing things.
- 30:41And just remember, if you go to mylibidoclub.com, you can get access to part
- 30:46two.
- 30:46So without further ado, August, like, how like, what do you think from this conversation today?
- 30:52Is there anything that we did not say that we're like, we gotta say this today for for the
- 30:56audience?
- 30:57I will share the tiniest teaser for the orgasm MRI brain stuff we're gonna talk about because
- 31:03this is an important fact that we can dive deeper into.
- 31:06But fantasy and imagination are just as powerful, sometimes more, than the physical
- 31:14act.
- 31:15Yeah.
- 31:16So knowing that, give yourself permission to to fantasize, to get creative, and to just
- 31:24daydream about the sex life you want.
- 31:26Yeah.
- 31:26It is so freaking powerful.
- 31:29And it's this freedom because it's all just like this mental cloud of your sexy thoughts,
- 31:33and it can really put a spark in your day.
- 31:35Just spend even a few minutes a day or maybe like once a week.
- 31:38And if you feel like it, add journaling to that same mix.
- 31:41I think that it's a really powerful combination.
- 31:43That's such good advice.
- 31:45I can't wait for part two, you guys.
- 31:47Okay.
- 31:47So where do people get ahold of you?
- 31:49The best kind of spot for all of my things is augustmclaughlin.com.
- 31:55It's mclaugh,lin,.com.
- 31:58And you can find my podcast by searching girl boner or girl boner radio, with spaces in
- 32:05between, on any podcast app.
- 32:07And my show releases every two weeks.
- 32:09And we have so many fun steamy stories, and I can't wait to share yours coming up soon.
- 32:15Yeah.
- 32:15Amazing.
- 32:16And we'll have all those links for you guys in the show notes, of course, for easy
- 32:19clickability.
- 32:19And and thank you so much, August.
- 32:21Thank you for sharing your wisdom with the world today.
- 32:23Such a pleasure.
- 32:24Thank you so much for having me and for your great questions.
- 32:26Amazing.
- 32:27And everybody, take good care, and we'll see you real soon on another episode of the lounge.
- 32:32Bye bye.
- 32:36Thank you for listening to the libido lounge.
- 32:38Please don't keep me a secret.
- 32:40Please share this with your friends.
- 32:42You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.