Latest / JOY LOVING HOME - SAHM, Productivity, Home Organization, Declutter, ADHD Mom, ADHD SAHM, ADHD Brain / 281: Quit Forcing the Fit: Organize for How Your Brain Actually Works

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281: Quit Forcing the Fit: Organize for How Your Brain Actually Works · JOY LOVING HOME - SAHM, Productivity, Home Organization, Declutter, ADHD Mom, ADHD SAHM, ADHD Brain

• 0:00
  I'd like us to really lean into one of the strengths of our fish brains or ADHD
• 0:08
  brains or however you perceive your sort of out-of-the-box thinking.
• 0:13
  And that is do not dampen your creativity when it comes to figuring out solutions for your home.
• 0:23
  When we strive really hard to follow the folks that seem really organized and
• 0:31
  have the key to how to get our house to look like theirs,
• 0:35
  we miss what will really work for ours. So let's dig into that.
• 0:42
  A wise person once said, everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its
• 0:46
  ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it's stupid.
• 0:51
  Well, Fish, quit trying to climb trees while getting advice from well-intentioned monkeys.
• 0:57
  It's time to jump in the water and learn how to swim with the current of your life.
• 1:01
  I'm Joy, a professional organizer, mom of four, and fellow Fishbrain.
• 1:07
  If you're looking for a place to get understanding, encouragement,
• 1:10
  and ideas for your home that actually fit how your brain thinks,
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  then I'm glad you're here.
• 1:16
  Let's ditch the type A advice and embrace what makes our brains and our homes unique.
• 1:22
  Together, we could have a joy-loving home.
• 1:28
  Welcome or welcome back to the Joy-Loving Home podcast. I don't know if you've
• 1:32
  been around for a while or not, but when I started this podcast,
• 1:36
  gosh, over three years ago now,
• 1:39
  I used to do a Break This Organizing Rule podcast.
• 1:44
  On every 10th episode. So if you're newer here and you want to go explore that,
• 1:49
  you can go back and listen to episode 10 and 20 and 30 and so on.
• 1:53
  I think through at least 100, it may have gone beyond that. I don't honestly
• 1:58
  remember when I stopped.
• 1:59
  But the reason I loved doing that series was because,
• 2:04
  I think one of the things that frustrated me when I first became an organizer was,
• 2:10
  how many times I felt like very type A monkey brain organizers,
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  were instilling these rules that were really excellent for other type A monkey
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  brain people and trying to implement them to our fish brains.
• 2:28
  And they don't work the same way. And so this,
• 2:32
  frustration, excuse me, frustration that I would see from my clients because
• 2:38
  they would feel like they failed because they would try these very rigid rules of organizing and,
• 2:46
  would not be able to make it fit their life or their.
• 2:53
  Or they just couldn't keep up once they had it looking like the picture they
• 2:57
  had imagined or had seen on Instagram or wherever.
• 3:01
  And I just didn't want this constant perpetuation of frustration and failure
• 3:05
  to go on with we fish brain people, which is why I started the podcast in the
• 3:11
  first place and started asking you to break rules right away.
• 3:14
  So if you're ever wanting to, like, I don't even know where to start.
• 3:18
  I, you know, the early podcasts are probably quite rough. I've not gone back and listened to them.
• 3:24
  But if you want to just jump around, that every 10th Break This Rule series,
• 3:30
  there's a lot of value in there.
• 3:32
  And that's kind of what I want to lean into today. And it's funny because the
• 3:37
  particular point I'm trying to make with today's podcast is sometimes when we go...
• 3:43
  With a set plan and this belief that we know exactly what it is we need in order
• 3:52
  to fix a space, that's when we can really mess it up.
• 3:57
  Let me explain in some more detail and where this idea even came to me.
• 4:01
  So I am on like a group text with my mom and my sister and we do the little
• 4:08
  New York Times, just the wordle and the connection and the spangram.
• 4:14
  Every day and we send it back and forth to each other. And it's one of those
• 4:18
  things, honestly, it was a way that we could sort of do a daily check-in with
• 4:23
  our mom and know that everything was well in her world.
• 4:28
  I mean, maybe not everything, but it was a way to check in every day that didn't
• 4:32
  just seem like a, hey, are you okay?
• 4:34
  Kind of call. It allows us to touch base then sort of multiple times a day because
• 4:39
  we'll get her puzzle from her and she hears from us.
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  And then later we make phone calls and all. So it's just a nice way to stay
• 4:45
  in touch. Tip if anybody's looking for ways to make sure they can check in on
• 4:49
  somebody in their life every day.
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  But anyway, I've just had coffee this morning, so a little all over the place.
• 4:56
  But the Spangram, if you are not familiar with it, is sort of a,
• 5:03
  word find puzzle of sorts in that,
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  the traditional word find, you just find the words horizontally or vertically
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  or diagonally and you have the words you're looking for usually in a list.
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  The spangram gives you sort of a clue based on what the title of the puzzle
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  is and the words bend all over the place so they're not in straight lines.
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  So it makes it a little harder to find the words because.
• 5:36
  They don't follow the rules of horizontal, vertical, or diagonal.
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  And there is a hidden connector word that helps you tie it all together that the clue is based on.
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  So for the exact example where this whole idea came from is,
• 5:54
  I think, and I did this a couple days ago, so the title was something like Folk
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  Tale Pairs or something like that.
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  And so immediately, I was able to find beauty.
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  So then I went and looked for beast. And then I was immediately able to find,
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  I'm trying to think what the second pair was. Oh, hair.
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  So I knew tortoise was what I was looking for.
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  And I didn't know the connector word yet.
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  And it can be a series of words. And I immediately found frog.
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  So my brain knew I was looking for scorpion.
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  Scorpion and the frog. It's a folktale pairing.
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  And so I saw S's and P's and C's, and I was trying so hard to carve these letters
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  around in various shapes to create the word scorpion, and I could not find the
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  word scorpion, and it was frustrating me.
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  And I was like, I know that's the pair. I know that's what goes with frog.
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  And I finally discovered that the, like, hidden word that connected everything
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  was once upon a time, which took a lot of the letters out, obviously.
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  So then I was left with just the letters for what went with the pear frog because
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  I had found every single other thing.
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  And I looked and looked and looked at this jumble of letters and I could not
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  turn it into a word to save my life because I was looking still for scorpion.
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  I could not find it. So there's a way where you can get a clue,
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  so I used one of my clues. The stinking word was princess.
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  I don't know why my brain could not come up with frog and princess.
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  It's because I already had in my head what the answer should be.
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  And because I was determined that that's what the answer should be,
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  I was determined to make it work. And I was missing the forest for the trees.
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  So what I'm meaning in the terms of what does this have to do with organizing a space in your home?
• 7:53
  This is what I would see with clients a lot is I would walk into their homes
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  as a ADHD fish brain organizer myself.
• 8:02
  And they, whether they knew it or not, were often ADHD type people.
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  And they would take me to a space in their home and they're like,
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  I need this space to work and it's not working. And here's what,
• 8:16
  you know, what's frustrating me about it.
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  And oftentimes, see if this resonates for you.
• 8:23
  There is a huge frustration about the amount of toys that were strewn across
• 8:28
  the family room or even in the kitchen.
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  And they're like, the kids never put anything away and there's no organizing
• 8:37
  in the playroom and they have this great playroom and the playroom is always a mess.
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  Obviously, obviously, the number one answer to every organizing problem is have
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  less stuff, like just to clutter.
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  Great. Easier said than done. I know that's a whole different podcast.
• 8:52
  It's a whole different issue. But yes, 100% true.
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  But even if these kids had a decluttered, perfectly organized,
• 9:04
  easy to put away, perfectly labeled.
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  Zoned out, the epitome of a minimal, lovely playroom space...
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  I guarantee you there would still be toys in the living room and in the kitchen.
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  And the reason is they were trying to force the word scorpion out of the word princess.
• 9:30
  It's because they were trying to solve for the wrong problem.
• 9:34
  The problem is not that you aren't disciplined enough to make sure your kids are disciplined.
• 9:39
  The problem is not that the toys aren't understanding where they need to be put away.
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  The problem is not carving enough time to be the, you know, militant soldier
• 9:51
  in your house saying it is 10 minutes before bedroom.
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  I've set a timer and every single night without fail, no matter how exhausted
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  we are, no matter how filthy we are from practice, no matter how much we,
• 10:01
  ate four hours ago because I had to feed them before they got to practice,
• 10:05
  no matter how cranky and tired and teething and not feeling well and all of the things.
• 10:12
  It's me being a failure of a mom for not having an organized playroom and not
• 10:16
  having the discipline to make them clean up after themselves right like that's
• 10:20
  the fix no that is trying to force a scorpion out of a princess.
• 10:26
  The problem is the kid isn't wanting to play in the playroom.
• 10:31
  The kid wants to be near you.
• 10:33
  You're in the kitchen. You're in the living room. You're fixing dinner.
• 10:37
  You're trying to get some stuff done. You're trying to visit with your spouse.
• 10:40
  You're trying to, you know, decompress from the day. You're trying to do all
• 10:45
  the things and they just want to be near you.
• 10:48
  So to be near you, they drag some toys in and in an attempt to kind of sort
• 10:53
  of stay out of your way, but still be near you and still be able to talk to
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  you and jabber and exist near you.
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  And there's nothing wrong with that.
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  There's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes the important stuff is not what you
• 11:07
  think the important stuff is.
• 11:09
  It's not that you were a good mom by teaching your kid to be disciplined and
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  teaching your kid to clean up after themselves and teaching your kid to have,
• 11:21
  the right amount of stuff so they aren't spoiled, but they still,
• 11:24
  it's not that you didn't engage your child or get your child enough of an imagination
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  or help them learn how to be an independent player.
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  Sometimes they just want to be near you.
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  And the important thing is that you taught them that that's okay. It's okay to be near you.
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  So what they really wanted me to solve when I go into these scenarios is finding the princess.
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  It's realizing that what they need is not a playroom.
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  What they need is a toy library where the toys have a way to go back somewhere
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  when you're done with seeing them, when you just need a break.
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  When you don't want the toy library to be your living room.
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  So we need to find spaces in the living room or kitchen in which we can limit
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  the amount that gets drug in there, that we can have a quick,
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  easy, easy place to stash them when we don't want to see them.
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  And when we know an easy indicator,
• 12:31
  that we've gone over the threshold and it's time to go ahead and set the timer
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  and work together to get everything back in the toy library before the whole
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  process starts all over again, because it will.
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  And being okay with knowing that's what it's about.
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  It's recognizing what's really happening instead of what you believe is happening.
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  It's recognizing what the fix is instead of fixing what you think should be
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  the right way for this to work.
• 13:02
  So be open to your creative adhd brain,
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  don't force things into a formula that some monkey brain trying to teach you
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  how to climb a tree was trying to give you instructions on,
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  maybe your kids are out there in the water swimming all over the place and they
• 13:22
  just need to know that you're nearby and That's okay.
• 13:28
  It's funny because the other thing that made me think about how this is related
• 13:33
  is, and I told this on a podcast once upon a time, how, you know,
• 13:39
  you can come up with phenomenal birthday traditions.
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  You can feel like a failure of a mom when you see on Pinterest how,
• 13:47
  you know, all these other moms, when the kid goes down the night before their
• 13:51
  birthday, they put banners on the outside of their kid's door and they put balloons
• 13:57
  on the ceiling and they have a birthday banner to wake up to and a special birthday breakfast.
• 14:01
  And these kids have all the traditions in the world and they have this special
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  birthday hat to wear and they get this.
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  And you think that is creating a magical birthday that they will always remember
• 14:15
  and feel special. And all of those are good. I'm not shaming any of this.
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  It's wonderful. It's also exhausting.
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  It's also if you ever slip up, it feels crushing as a parent.
• 14:27
  When I discovered that one of the best things I ever did was the night before
• 14:32
  their birthday, I would go, oh my goodness, give me your last seven-year-old
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  hug I'm ever going to get.
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  Let me get in there and get a really good seven-year-old hug and just would
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  give them an extended long hug the night before they would turn eight.
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  And then the first thing I would do in the morning when they woke up is like,
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  oh my goodness, my first ever eight-year-old hug and would give an extended
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  long eight-year-old hug.
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  I did not realize what a big deal that was until that became the thing.
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  If I ever would slip, they'd be dragging their feet heading off to bed and go,
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  don't you want your last nine-year-old hug?
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  And I'm like, how in the world was I ever going to forget that?
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  Of course, of course, of course. And you could still fit the hug in without ruining anything.
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  It was a tradition that stuck with them that had nothing to do with elaborate preparations,
• 15:27
  hours of work on my part, hours of planning that my ADHD brain could not stick
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  to, to the point that my daughter came home for the weekend from college,
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  and she was dragging her feet going up to bed.
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  And she's like, well, I knew you'd want to hug because I'm here tonight,
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  and you don't always get to hug me goodnight.
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  It meant the world to me that that meant the world to her.
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  It's the little things that are the important things.
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  So please, please don't get yourself hung up on things that you're failing at.
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  Because you're not. The important things are not necessarily what you think they are.
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  And so when you are listening to me right now and you're looking around at your,
• 16:12
  overly cluttered with toys living room and you're tripping over toys in your kitchen,
• 16:20
  Please let that be the reminder to yourself that it is your kids wanting to be near you.
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  So instead of trying to solve a more colorful, more organized,
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  better bins, better labeling, better,
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  disciplined playroom that they're still not going to want to play in,
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  help it be the reminder to you that, you know what?
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  Maybe all I need is a couple of big wicker baskets, one that sits in the corner
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  of the kitchen and one that sits in the corner of the living room,
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  that when we have three seconds, when everybody's tired, that we all go,
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  hey, can everybody grab 10 items?
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  Or if you're 10, grab 10. If you're eight, grab eight. If you're five, grab five.
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  Throw them in the wicker bins and head up to bed.
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  It will help clear some of the clutter. it will help,
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  make the task that you're asking each one fit to their age group to get the
• 17:21
  space in order and it will help you remember that this season will pass and
• 17:27
  one day there won't be toys cluttering everywhere,
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  and you will in fact miss them,
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  but go ahead and think outside of that box use your wonderfully creative fish
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  brain and peek around at what the real problem is solve for the right thing and embrace your joy.
• 17:46
  Until next time, continue to choose joy.