Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 286. Birthday depression, low expectations, the same disappointment every year: How do I stop bracing for disapointment?

Transcript

286. Birthday depression, low expectations, the same disappointment every year: How do I stop bracing for disapointment? · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: I need.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Your advice. Are you okay? What happened? Promise it won't
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: be too much? Bring it in.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: Welcome to our bestie segment.
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: This is the place for you.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: Hello, hello, hello.
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: Welcome back to She Rises. We are your hosts, Ashley
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: and Tiana. If you're new here, welcome. This is our
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: bestest submission. If you're an OG listener, welcome back. We
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: give our advice here. It's completely anonymous. So many different
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: sticky situations. There's ones about friendships, relationships, work, money, affairs,
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: all the rest. There's so much that comes into here
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: and we're open books. We are here to be here
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: for you, offer some sisterly advice and friendly advice, unhinged advice.
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: We're going there. So today's episode, Tiana, what have we
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: got for us?
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: So this episode name is called Birthday Depression, Low Expectations,
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: and the Same Disappointment Every Year. How do I stop
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: bracing for disappointment?
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: I'm not sure how to get.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: These feelings out, but my birthday is next week and
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: I just don't want it to come. I take time
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: to find the perfect thing for my friends or family. Like,
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: what is a part of their interests? And I think
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: I just expect the same amount of attention, or for
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: lack of a better word, I can already feel the
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: amount of letdown in my bones. As petty as this sounds,
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: I'm always the one planning, never the one planned for.
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: This year, my goal is and was to work on
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: my own self-growth and not be stuck in a rut
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: about things. But seeing how close it is and all
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: the feelings flooding in, I just don't know where else
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: I can vent because understandably, my friends have their own
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: lives and families and I have two children of my own,
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: but they can only do what their dad initiates, which
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: isn't usually much. I just feel like I have birthday depression,
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: as it is apparently called, sneaking in. So thank you
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: for coming to my TED Talk. Any advice on quote-unquote
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: getting over this feeling would be appreciated greatly.
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: Oh, girl, I get it.
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: And I think this is a really good invitation for
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: you to start asking for what it is that you need. Because, unfortunately,
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: people aren't mind readers anymore. And I say this with
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: so much love because I used to do this too.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: I used to withhold the things too and I had
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: the very same expectation where I was always the one
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: doing for other people, planning and then always feeling let down.
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: I completely understand. I was always the organizer, get the
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: big expensive cake, buy all the gifts, the decorations, the surprises,
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: get everyone together.
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: Go above and beyond. Above and beyond. And then that
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: birthday time would come and you would just like sit
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: and crumble and shrink into yourself and be like, I'm
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: not loved as much as I love other people. Yeah.
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: So from two people who understand exactly what that feels like,
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: we see you in this so much. And also this
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: is an invitation.
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: If you do not.
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: Start asking for what it is that you want, like
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: people aren't going to know that that's what you expect.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: And unspoken expectations are what cause resentment because you're not
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: communicating what's actually really important to you. And I bet
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: that if you went to someone like a family member
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: or a friend and be like, you know what I
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: really want for my birthday this year?
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: I want a surprise. I want a surprise. Do you
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: surprise me?
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: You know, that would make me feel so unbelievably good
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: or You know, oh, like drip feed it in a
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: couple months beforehand.
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: You know, I love this dinner place.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: I would love to go here. Maybe we can go
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: for my birthday and start to position that. Or you
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: could just straight out blank.
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: Be like, you know what?
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: I feel like I'm always the one organizing for everyone else.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: Do you think like you and like XYZ person could
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: come together and create something for me? Like I would
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: really feel so loved by you guys and make my
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: birthday so unbelievably special.
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: I love that advice. Something I did too is I
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: used to hope and expect and want my friends to
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: do the same thing too. There's one year I was
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: just like, fuck it. What do I want to do?
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: I'm just going to organize it myself. At the end
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: of the day, I want quality time with my friends.
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: I want to feel special. I want to go away.
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: I want to do X, Y, Z. And I would
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: just put it out there and be like, hey, I'm
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: going to book in Byron Bay for this weekend. Who
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: can come? Let me know how many numbers. And then
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: we go from there. And then I get to celebrate
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: my birthday how I want to celebrate it. And something
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: I also learned too along the way is like, we
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: don't all give love in the same way. So obviously
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: like Tiana and I are very similar in that sense.
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: We like making a big deal of birthdays and the
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: balloons and the cakes and the presents and make people
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: really special. But just because someone else doesn't do that
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: doesn't mean they love you less. They just might express
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: and show love in a different way. So we can't
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: expect them to do what we do if that's not
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: how they do things. So it's like allowing people to
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: show love in the way that feels good for them.
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: And also, yeah, you can request things. I think most
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: friends would be like excited like hey I don't care
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: what it is but it's going to surprise me yes
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: that's end of story no more conversation you guys that's
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: that's your mission this year is to surprise me for
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: my birthday I'd be like fuck yeah.
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: Or like even if you wanted to share vulnerably like
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: I feel like over the years I have felt this
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: way and I'm sure that somebody who loves you enough
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: will be like oh my.
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: Gosh I got you I got you you know you.
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: That can be real and that can be true for
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: you and also we can change that this doesn't have
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: to be the be all and end all and this
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: doesn't have to come around every single birthday And also
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: knowing that you don't give love to other people in
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: hopes that they will do it back. Or maybe you
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: do and that's another conversation.
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: But you do it because you love those people and
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: that's the way that you give love and allow that
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: to be something that is special for you.
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: Get the joy out of just giving the gift. That's right.
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: And just because other people don't have to ask you
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: doesn't mean that other people don't need to be told. Yes. Yeah.
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: Exactly right.
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Give permission for people to learn how to love
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: you better. Yeah.
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: You know, it's like they're not mind readers, like you said. Yeah.
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: Like if you're in a relationship or a friendship or
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: anything like that person, ultimately, when you first meet, you
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: don't know anything about each other. So like, how can
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: you allow that person to know you better and be
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: seen and be known and like tell them all the
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: things that you do want so that you can actually
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: create that fulfillment that you're actually seeking for and not
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: end up with this disappointment?
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: Communication is so important now, hey? It really is. I
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: did it one year with Steve, like he just bought
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: me a couple of gifts, but I ended up saying
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: to him, like, I love these gifts, but I'm being honest,
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: now that I'm older, I want experiences and memories. Very
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: rather like a night in a hotel or I go away.
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: Even now, every birthday, I'm like, I want time with
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: my family, time with my friends, and time with just Steve.
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: And I have all three.
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: Yes, 100%.
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: You're allowed that. Absolutely. It's a birthday month. It is.
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: I love celebrating birthdays, and your friends might not even
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: think that. I've got some friends that just don't really
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: give a shit about their birthday.
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: Like, I don't really care to celebrate. I'm like, what
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: do you mean?
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: Mm-hmm.
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: Taj, I mean, he's a young guy. He used to
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: throw these, if you've been following me for a while,
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: extravagant birthday parties. And then last year I said, what
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: do you want to do for your birthday? Have a
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: good party. He goes, no, I don't think I ever
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: want another party again. I was like, what do you mean?
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: And he said, I just find them quite overwhelming. Like
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: he's more of an introverted person. He's like, I would rather,
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: like you guys hate the dream world. I'd rather we
• 6:28
  Speaker 2: go stay in a hotel room. I'd rather just do
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: something with the family. Tal this year, I said, do
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: you want to party? She goes, family. That was her response.
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: Just family. And then I suggested a couple of my girlfriends.
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: She was like, yes, Auntie Tata. That's why you saw
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: them in the photos. But she's a girl's girl. That
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: wasn't a planned thing. She loves girl club. I literally
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: got her a jumping castle for our backyard. And it
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: was like her, Taj, and a neighbor, their daughter. She
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: was having a great time. The best time. So it's
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: like everyone likes different things and they're not going to
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: know unless you tell them. And you can actually take
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: charge of that or ask. You're allowed to ask.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: On top of all of this, like it also doesn't
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: take away the disappointment you felt in the past.
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: I think there's obviously something deeper there for.
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: You to explore that.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: And like, how can you give to yourself what it
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: is that you're seeking in other people? Yeah. So it
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: sounds like to me that you're wanting to feel loved,
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: to feel chosen, to feel important, to feel special in
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: the eyes of the people around you. And that gets
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: to be very true. Yeah. And also, where are you
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: not yet giving that to yourself and how can you
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: start implementing that? Anytime, no matter what it is, the
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: more that you give one thing to yourself, the less
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: you need it from other people.
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: So true, isn't it?
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: And then when it comes from other people, you actually
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: really appreciate it because you're not expecting them to give
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: it to you being like, I need this from you
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: or else I'm going to die. Like, you know, it's
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: like a whole other level of being self-sufficient and like
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: loving that little girl inside of you who just like
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: wants to be loved. Yeah.
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: Starts with you. It does. We see you in that.
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: We hope that helps and we hope you request or
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: organize something for your birthday where you can feel super special.
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: excited and all the things that you're wanting.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: And if your birthday has already passed up until now,
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: tell us about it. How did you go? Yeah.
• 8:06
  Speaker 2: And if it wasn't as planned, what are you going
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: to do next year? Yes.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: And also, you don't need to wait to your birthday
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: to be celebrated.
• 8:11
  Speaker 2: True.
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: Like, we don't need to wait a whole 12 months.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: Why don't you ask somebody and be like, hey, I
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: know it's belated and my birthday's already passed, but can
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: you surprise me with something? Yeah.
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: Let's do a dinner.
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: Let's do here.
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: Let's go on an adventure. It doesn't have to be big,
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: just something. That's right.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: Thanks for joining us, guys. We'll see you in the
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: next one.
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: Bye. Bye.