Latest / Questionable Detour / Marrying a fat redneck in a pool, hiring the vulnerable, and admitting to a hit and run on Craigslist

Transcript

Marrying a fat redneck in a pool, hiring the vulnerable, and admitting to a hit and run on Craigslist · Questionable Detour

0:00
Excuse me, what is going on here?
0:04
But first we're going to make a little detour.
0:09
So absurd, so questionable.
0:12
I guess we're just the weirdos.
0:15
Expect the detour.
0:24
What fourth grade class do you go to?
0:26
It's a jazz for fourth grade class.
0:28
I think fourth grade is actually, it's a jazz club downtown.
0:33
And Evan's just a local there.
0:34
If I had a jazz name, what do you think my jazz name would be?
0:37
Seventh Heaven Evan.
0:38
Oh.
0:40
Makes me sound like I've got the power.
0:42
After hearing that.
0:44
You get up there with your fedora and you go,
0:46
welcome to the stage, Seventh Heaven Evan.
0:50
That milky smooth sax just takes over.
0:54
Speaking of, we have a saxophone graduate, a connoisseur.
0:58
Oh my gosh, we do.
1:00
Alan played the sax.
1:02
You know, I don't like to brag.
1:04
I was mediocre at best.
1:06
Hey, even a mediocre sax player is better than the most advanced French horn player.
1:11
Well, that is true.
1:13
Nobody's ever got a woman with a French horn.
1:17
And only Kenny G's gotten one with a saxophone.
1:19
So you're saying you didn't get Katie, your wife, with your sax skills?
1:27
No, no, I got her with a variety of different skills.
1:32
Okay, name two of those.
1:33
I assumed we were going into the explanation.
1:35
So yeah, yeah, I was hoping you'd ask.
1:38
I wooed her first with my whittling skills.
1:43
Like wood whittling?
1:44
Wood whittling, yes.
1:45
I whittled her a series of small mammals.
1:47
So if Alan could wood whittle a wood, what would Alan whittle?
1:53
This is what he's like in fourth grade.
1:55
This is fourth grade me.
1:58
If Alan could whittle a wood, what would Alan whittle?
2:03
What would Alan whittle?
2:04
At some point, do we put him down?
2:06
I think that's a sign of a stroke.
2:08
I think he's having a stroke.
2:10
We got to pull the plug.
2:11
Who's your power of attorney?
2:13
So go ahead and put him out of his.
2:14
Is questionable due to the power of attorney for Evan.
2:18
Yeah, I'm putting him down.
2:19
I think we can legally make his decisions.
2:21
He might be in a coma, but I'm putting him in the electric chair.
2:23
That's how he's going out.
2:24
When I signed on, you did make me sign a DNR.
2:28
What's a DNR, Evan?
2:29
Do not retard.
2:31
Oh.
2:35
Let's say if I'm on fire and they're trying to put the flame out.
2:39
Isn't that what they yell at you in fourth grade
2:41
when they want you to stop doing something?
2:45
That's what they yell when I'm trying to do something
2:49
and somebody's trying to stop me and they're like,
2:51
do not retard him.
2:53
Yeah, because they want me to go through with it
2:55
because they need me to get out of fourth grade.
2:58
I am dropping all their scores.
3:01
Well, welcome to questionable detour.
3:03
Let's do a Craigslist.
3:05
Craigslist has got what you need
3:07
But sometimes Craigslist needs what you got
3:10
All right, boys, I have a treat of a Craigslist for you all.
3:14
Somebody was kind of down with luck, but did I care?
3:16
I emailed them anyway.
3:19
And the Craigslist original post reads like this.
3:22
Hit and run to the brisky driver
3:26
constantly swiped my car while parked in the lot.
3:29
Sir, you're a one stupid, stupid, yes, stupid dog.
3:33
You're on camera 461.
3:36
You're walking on pin ice.
3:39
Oh, wow.
3:40
So this guy has questionable literacy talent.
3:45
He is a target for us.
3:47
I'm just reading this.
3:51
I mean, we've got a parked car here.
3:54
Is he insinuating that somebody just went by it multiple times swiping it?
3:59
It does say constantly.
4:00
Constantly swipe my car.
4:02
I don't know. I'm not really sure what that means.
4:04
What do we think 10 ice is?
4:05
You're walking on 10 ice.
4:07
I'm sure that's a metallic ice.
4:10
I think he just instead of using the number 10,
4:14
he accidentally used the metal 10, but he means 10 ice cubes.
4:19
What do we think you mean, sir?
4:21
You're one stupid, stupid, yes, stupid dog.
4:24
Sir, you're a one stupid, stupid, yes, stupid.
4:27
I'm sorry. Let me read that correctly.
4:29
I think he means you're a stupid dog.
4:32
I'm trying to figure that out, but I think that's what he means.
4:34
It's like he stuttered while typing.
4:37
Sir, you're a one stupid, stupid, yes, stupid dog.
4:41
To the brisky driver.
4:42
Is that like saying to the cool morning driver?
4:47
With a capital B.
4:48
Is that his name is brisky driver, the guy's name?
4:52
You might need a light jacket driver.
4:57
And I initially reached out to him via email.
5:00
I said, hello, I think I am the one who constantly swiped your car.
5:05
He replies, you are him.
5:07
F you. You need to pay for damages.
5:09
So he just, all it took was somebody saying it was me.
5:13
And he's like, yep, that's you.
5:14
Snap. I know.
5:16
There is no evidence.
5:18
I didn't bring a picture.
5:19
It was just, I claimed that he wasn't like, prove it.
5:22
Yeah, he was like, I can tell by the way you are.
5:25
He didn't ask the color of my car to compare the paint chips on his car or nothing.
5:29
I respond to that.
5:30
If you must know, I was teaching an orphan to drive.
5:33
He has about as much driving talent as he has parents.
5:38
So unfortunately, I will not be able to pay for the swipe damages.
5:42
He responds with that.
5:44
No, no.
5:46
You will pay for the damages.
5:48
I do not care for the child that was driving.
5:50
You are responsible.
5:52
I respond.
5:53
Wow. You don't care about orphans?
5:57
Well, I will have to report you to the UOFL, the United Orphan Fighting League,
6:04
and you will be sorry.
6:06
The orphans will break into your place of residence
6:08
and fight to the death to get a chance to be your children.
6:12
They come in large herds
6:14
and they will come through any weak spot in your house or apartment.
6:18
In an effort to gain your favor, they will cook and clean.
6:22
And you will have to tell them good job, even though they did a terrible job.
6:26
They will try to sleep in your bed and will curl up next to you for warmth.
6:31
Each voting ceremony, you will have to choose one to be voted off
6:34
and the rest will brutally murder the chosen one.
6:39
The United Orphan Fighting League?
6:41
Is that a United States...
6:43
It's not government sanctioned, if that's what you're asking.
6:47
It seems like one of those foreign leagues.
6:52
I was trying to figure out who won the championship last year.
6:56
Little Rodney Rotten.
6:58
When do their seasons run, you know?
7:00
He responds, how dare you threaten me?
7:04
I will go to authorities if you do no pay.
7:07
Do not send children to my home.
7:12
That would have been the first thing I would have addressed
7:15
after reading that full message, do not send those orphans to my house.
7:18
If you send orphans to my home.
7:21
He didn't question, why do you have access to orphans?
7:24
What's the Orphan Fighting League?
7:26
He was like, I believe you, just don't send them here.
7:29
I get it, just don't do it.
7:32
I continue, I will pay, but you must understand.
7:36
I do not use US currency to pay for things, rather I pay in orphans.
7:40
I will pay you three orphans to make the whole situation go away.
7:43
In full disclosure, one of the orphans is missing both legs
7:47
as he was in the car when I hit your car.
7:49
He was not wearing a seatbelt.
7:51
I now know the age-old question,
7:52
will a windshield stop an orphan at 30 miles per hour?
7:55
It does not.
7:56
I do not believe this situation constitutes three full able-body orphans.
8:01
I'm sure you can agree.
8:02
You're bartering with this man.
8:04
I don't know how the currency exchange rate goes for an orphan.
8:08
It's like you scratched his car,
8:10
that's two good healthy orphans and one legless orphan.
8:15
Half an orphan, yeah.
8:16
If you were to constantly swipe it.
8:19
If you were to break it...
8:20
What are you, his lawyers?
8:21
If you were to break his mirrors,
8:23
would that count as three well, fully orphans with their legs?
8:27
Yeah, I think $500 per orphan, so that's probably the exchange rate.
8:31
Do you sell kids a lot?
8:33
Yeah.
8:35
You can't keep up with those numbers very quickly.
8:38
This is just what I'm getting from the accounting department.
8:41
He responds to that.
8:42
No, no, no, none.
8:46
I want money, money.
8:48
I do not want a child.
8:52
I want money, money. I don't want a child.
8:54
He does sound like Cookie Monster.
8:56
If you say it in a Cookie Monster voice.
8:58
This guy might be a muppet.
9:02
No, no, no, none.
9:03
I respond. Who said anything about these being children?
9:06
The orphans I plan on playing with are all men in their mid-40s and 50s
9:12
and have been yearning for a father figure for 50 years,
9:16
so they will be very clingy.
9:19
You will need an adult-sized stroller to carry them in.
9:22
He continues.
9:23
No, no, no, no.
9:26
Pay me money.
9:27
Tell me your name so I can call the authorities.
9:29
Tell me.
9:30
I said, why, certainly, my good man.
9:33
I will surely give you my name so you can turn me in.
9:36
My name is Zilendo Quintus Maximilius von Whiskerbottom III,
9:41
the Magnificent, Master of Peculiarities,
9:45
Herald of the Unseen,
9:47
Keeper of Esoteric Enigmas,
9:50
and Connoisseur of Curiosities.
10:00
Can you run those one more time?
10:02
Yeah, so, if y'all don't know,
10:04
I'm Zilendo Quintus Maximilian von Whiskerbottom III,
10:08
the Magnificent, Master of Peculiarities,
10:12
Herald of the Unseen, Keeper of Esoteric Enigmas,
10:16
and the Connoisseur of Curiosities.
10:19
That's how you should introduce yourself.
10:21
Any time you walk into a room,
10:23
like, any time anyone questions you,
10:26
you have someone else introduce you.
10:28
And have all the titles following him.
10:30
Von Whiskerbottom, is that a German?
10:33
He continues.
10:34
I do not believe your name is this.
10:37
He's stuck like old English.
10:39
He sounds like some...
10:40
He's like speaking broken English.
10:43
My car will need a new bumper and new paint on the side.
10:47
I have estimate and it will cost $2,500 dollars.
10:52
He puts the dollar sign behind the number value.
10:55
And then says dollars.
10:56
And then says dollars.
10:57
Please send money to my address.
10:59
Money.
11:00
Money.
11:03
It just says money at the end.
11:05
Money.
11:05
I continue.
11:06
Fine, I will pay you.
11:07
But first, what is your name?
11:09
What do you like to do?
11:10
What brings you joy?
11:11
What brings you pain?
11:12
What gets you out of bed in the morning?
11:14
What inspires you?
11:15
What does love mean to you?
11:18
I just want to get to know the guy I'm talking with.
11:20
I really get into his heartstrings.
11:22
No, he gives his full name, but I'm going to say his first name.
11:24
My name is Mohammed.
11:26
And do not threaten me with pain.
11:29
Why did I threaten him?
11:32
He says don't threaten me with pain.
11:34
I didn't even threaten him.
11:35
I think what happened...
11:37
Honestly, the only violence that you brought up was the orphans fighting each other.
11:41
Yeah.
11:43
I think he, for some reason, only targeted what brings you pain.
11:47
I questioned that earlier, but apparently that was threaten in him.
11:51
I will not give you my information.
11:52
We are not partners.
11:54
You will send money to my PO box or I will make you pain.
11:57
Make you pain.
12:00
Maybe...
12:01
That's a French croissant.
12:03
Maybe threaten is what he calls giving you three orphans.
12:07
Oh.
12:08
Don't you dare threaten me.
12:10
He wants four.
12:12
I continue.
12:14
Listen, Mo.
12:17
I think I'm off to the wrong foot.
12:18
I want to be your partner.
12:19
I want to duel at noon coming out of a saloon.
12:23
I want to wear oversized boot spurs together.
12:26
Maybe start robbing banks under the gang name, the Side Saddle Sillies.
12:32
And maybe hold hands.
12:35
Oh, sweet.
12:38
He continues.
12:39
How dare?
12:41
I am no homo-sel-xual.
12:44
Sel-xual.
12:46
Do not offend me.
12:48
Only give me money.
12:49
My patience is out.
12:50
I will bring rage.
12:52
I continue.
12:52
Oh, yeah?
12:53
Well, if you bring rage, I'll bring Carlos.
12:58
He is my accountant, but he does jiu-jitsu three days a week
13:01
at the Family Jiu-Jitsu in the strip mall behind the Chili's.
13:06
He will not hold back because he is a yellow belt.
13:09
Oh, yeah, Carlos.
13:10
There's a three-ton for you.
13:12
Oh, no.
13:13
Oh, no.
13:14
Oh, no.
13:17
I will F Carlos like I F you.
13:21
I will F and take your money for my car.
13:24
I will.
13:25
Do not test my anger.
13:27
I think he just doesn't know English.
13:30
We're talking to somebody that doesn't.
13:32
English is probably a second language.
13:34
I said, whoa, whoa, whoa.
13:36
Take me out on a date first there, Mo.
13:39
I'm no ho.
13:41
I'm a classy gal that needs to be wined and dined.
13:45
I never even kiss on the first date.
13:46
He repeats.
13:47
I am no homosexual.
13:49
I will not take men on a date.
13:52
And your sister is slut and she is used.
13:57
She is dirt.
13:58
Give me money so I can leave as if I'm keeping him here.
14:03
He thinks he's trapped in this email thread.
14:07
I respond.
14:09
I will give you three chickens and four cows for the damages.
14:13
Final offer, Mo.
14:14
He continues.
14:15
No, no.
14:16
I have no need for cows and chickens.
14:18
I want money.
14:19
Give me money or I will rape.
14:21
Oh, wait.
14:23
He doesn't give a target.
14:26
No to the rape.
14:28
He just says I based off the earlier messages, probably you and Carlos.
14:33
I will generally rape.
14:37
That's just he will go outside and just have it.
14:41
What are you doing?
14:42
This is the Internet.
14:45
I come back.
14:48
Rape, rape the chickens and cows.
14:51
That's pretty weird, Mo.
14:52
All you have to do is ask them.
14:54
They will say yes.
14:54
No need for rape.
14:56
He responds.
14:57
No, no.
14:57
Give me money.
14:58
Send to PO Box.
15:00
He gives us PO Box, New York.
15:03
I decided not to continue with him, mostly because he just kept saying the same thing
15:07
over and over again.
15:08
There you go, Mohamed.
15:11
Listen, I want to be completely transparent here.
15:14
Mohamed, I hope you get your money for your car.
15:17
It's a sucky situation.
15:18
Yeah.
15:19
But we were a dead end.
15:21
I'm just going to go ahead and say that, Mohamed.
15:22
In your search for money, we were a dead end.
15:25
Yeah, did not find it with the Questionable Detour podcast.
15:28
But if it's any consolation, we didn't find any money with this podcast either.
15:35
But Godspeed, Allahspeed to you, Mohamed.
15:37
I hope nobody threatens you.
15:39
Yeah, nobody threatens you anymore.
15:41
And if you ever do hear this, Mohamed, which I'm sure you will, this is...
15:46
Probably right up your alley as a Middle Eastern man in New York City.
15:50
We target that demographic.
15:52
You're welcome for giving you a good conversation.
15:55
It sounds like that's what you needed at your time of need.
15:58
Yeah, I can't imagine Mohamed talks to a lot of people if that's how he converses.
16:09
And there's nothing more relaxing in a stressful time
16:12
like a wild goose chase conversation with somebody over an anonymous Craigslist email.
16:19
Yeah, especially if they're calling themselves a xylanthus
16:23
and they have as many titles as you did.
16:28
That brings me to my second point, Mohamed.
16:31
Craigslist, probably not the best place to go.
16:34
Go to your insurance.
16:35
Yeah, go to your insurance. Go to the police, probably.
16:38
You said he has on camera.
16:40
You said he has on camera. Why are you on Craigslist? I don't understand.
16:44
Because nobody's going to message you if they really sideswipe your car.
16:48
I'm just going to tell you that right now.
16:50
Hypothetical time.
16:51
Dave, can I pose a somewhat abstract, purely hypothetical question?
16:55
I guess I want to apologize for asking a hypothetical question.
16:59
Well, that's a hypothetical question.
17:01
All right, so for our first hypothetical,
17:03
we actually have somebody writing in, asking us a hypothetical question
17:07
that they want answered, but also kind of sort of an advice question as well.
17:11
This comes from Justin, and Justin says, what's up, guys?
17:14
First of all, you have become my new favorite podcast.
17:16
You have me laughing the whole time.
17:18
He says, but I'm getting married in six months.
17:21
Why is that a but there?
17:23
Why do I feel like we're going to lose Justin when he gets married?
17:28
It sounds like he has a choose.
17:32
Which I get, but it hurts to hear.
17:37
We don't have a huge woman following.
17:39
No, no.
17:41
I think once you become one flesh.
17:42
And all our wives hate it already.
17:44
I think it's just a wife thing that wives just hate this podcast.
17:48
He says, but I'm getting married in six months.
17:50
When I heard what you guys will do for your funerals,
17:53
I wanted to know what you would do for your wedding.
17:55
So help me plan my wedding with my girl and give me good ideas to bring to her.
17:58
Thanks, Justin.
18:00
Congratulations, Justin.
18:01
Congratulations. Thanks for writing in, Justin.
18:04
Well, as gentlemen that have gotten married,
18:06
you know, we've already been through our weddings.
18:08
We planned every aspect of it.
18:11
A lot of long nights going through those going through those spreadsheets,
18:15
playing the wedding.
18:16
What do you have for Justin?
18:17
What should y'all have done for y'all's wedding?
18:19
What should he do for his wedding?
18:21
My wedding, you know, is wonderful, is outdoors.
18:24
But there were a lot of things I would change.
18:26
Location, maybe still the same.
18:27
I would want my wedding to be.
18:30
I want it to have a certain vibe.
18:32
And that vibe would be above ground outdoor pool.
18:35
So let me kind of fill out that picture in my head.
18:40
So behind a double wide trailer, broken down lawnmower,
18:44
somewhere in the yard, maybe a couple, I don't know.
18:47
Fun, but with a like a hint of tetanus.
18:49
Yeah.
18:51
Multiple lawnmowers in sight, but the grass is also very high.
18:55
The grass is also very high.
18:57
You might think it's an abandoned small engine repair shop.
19:02
Yeah.
19:04
So what I would want us to do is the whole thing,
19:07
the whole ceremony is centered around the above ground inflatable pool.
19:11
Sure.
19:12
The pastor in the center of the pool, we all, the groomsmen, bridesmaids, myself,
19:18
my wife, we all clamor into the pool.
19:20
Oh, it's in the pool.
19:21
It's in the pool.
19:22
Yeah.
19:22
Golly.
19:23
The pool is like a baptism.
19:24
Yeah.
19:25
The pool is not big.
19:27
And it's not even a nice above ground pool.
19:28
It's like one of those blow up ones.
19:30
It's one that has visibly been patched a couple of times.
19:36
And wait, is there decking around the pool or is it just like in the middle of the yard?
19:41
No.
19:41
There's a ladder to get in.
19:42
There's no way.
19:43
It's worse.
19:44
Somebody started a deck and then ran out of money and finished it.
19:48
Oh, no.
19:50
This is a Mississippi wedding for sure.
19:52
Yeah.
19:52
Yeah.
19:54
Were your party favors just a half pack of cigarettes?
19:57
No, people brought me favors.
20:00
Once they found out where we were having the whip, they were like,
20:02
ah, this guy is down on his luck.
20:05
We're just going to bring him some things.
20:07
The reception, did y'all toast with Monster Drinking Drinks in can?
20:11
Like, you know, for a mountain just.
20:12
Yeah.
20:12
Well, we didn't want to pay for cups, so we just used the can.
20:17
And those who don't like Monster got Mountain Dew, of course.
20:21
Yeah.
20:21
I mean, we've always got it in our hand.
20:23
I mean, we're good hosts down at the double wide.
20:26
We always have Mountain Dew and Monster on hand.
20:31
Oh, look at this guy.
20:32
Fancy Mountain Monster and a double wide.
20:36
Why don't you come down back to Earth over here with our single?
20:39
All right.
20:39
All right.
20:40
I'm coming back down and say there's a NASCAR on that weekend.
20:44
Yeah.
20:45
Did you choose your weekend based on NASCAR?
20:47
Yeah.
20:48
I mean, we've we've sort of always got got something being driven on TV,
20:53
you know, like whether it's a race, whether it's a fast five, you know,
20:58
like it could be it could be anything as long as there's cars moving at some high
21:03
octane thrilling speed.
21:06
I think the only exception that you might have is Fox News.
21:08
We do have Fox News.
21:10
Yeah.
21:11
Yeah.
21:11
That's sometimes if it's a commercial break on the on the car show or the races,
21:16
we'll flip over to Fox News, kind of see what's going on.
21:19
You really never know what they're going to say.
21:21
Let me ask you, how much camouflage am I allowed to wear to this wedding?
21:25
You can wear honestly as much as you want.
21:28
When we sent out the invitations, we put on their wife beater casual.
21:34
So because just wife beater was too formal.
21:38
Yeah.
21:38
Yeah.
21:39
So well, I didn't want people to think that they were going to have to go buy a new
21:42
wife.
21:44
I wanted to come as you are.
21:46
This is a casual thing.
21:48
We want you guys there down there.
21:50
That was the that was the reception.
21:51
The right was wife, be casual.
21:52
The actual wedding itself was deer stand formal.
21:56
Right.
21:56
Yeah.
21:56
Yeah, that is true.
21:57
That is true.
21:58
It's mainly because we're a lot of where some people are going to sit is around the deer
22:02
stand in the yard.
22:04
You don't want to spook the deer, you know, have all those people out there and they
22:07
never want to come back.
22:08
That's right.
22:08
Are you allowed to bring your rifle just in case you see one walking across the field,
22:12
a deer, I mean, walking across the field, you pop one off.
22:14
Yeah.
22:15
Well, say you have a wedding pop.
22:16
Is that against the rules?
22:18
Technically, we we ask people to bring their bring their firearm because where most
22:23
people do the sparkler send off, we don't do that.
22:25
We just fire off a whole bunch of guns into the air.
22:29
That's good because I was going to suggest maybe you go out and clean your deer, throw
22:32
the entrails as you walk by.
22:35
Oh, that would be that'd be kind of cool.
22:37
Would that be like the flower girl you said?
22:39
But it would be the the gut guy, the gut guy.
22:43
Yeah, that worked.
22:44
Now, that would be an interesting dynamic to add to the pool that you're in.
22:48
Just guts floating around, deer guts just kind of floating around in the already over
22:53
ridden algae pool because it hasn't been cleaned.
22:56
There's no way.
22:57
No, no, no, we don't we don't believe in big chlorine.
23:00
We think that they're kind of they're in things too much.
23:03
So we don't want to they don't really want to support them.
23:06
They don't support the NRA, do they?
23:08
Oh, no, not a chance.
23:09
Not a chance.
23:10
And now, speaking of that, is the audience in the pool with you or are they out in the
23:15
yard?
23:16
Only the wedding party.
23:17
The audience kind of gets to we kind of do it in a round.
23:20
Oh, so they just kind of gather gather around and it's like Jesus is baptism type.
23:25
Yeah, that's awesome.
23:28
The pastor is probably somebody that looks like John the Baptist.
23:30
Yeah, it's very funny.
23:33
Now, we don't have to wear shirts.
23:35
No, no.
23:36
I think when I said and I don't mean to confuse anybody when I say wife beater casual,
23:41
that's sort of shirt optional.
23:45
And I thought that I thought that was understood with everybody.
23:50
As as somebody that that is not in this class.
23:53
Mm hmm.
23:53
Yeah.
23:54
Yeah.
23:54
No, you'd have to tell me that.
23:56
I wouldn't.
23:56
I wouldn't know.
23:57
And is there a maximum on the amount of denim I can wear?
24:00
As long as you don't wear any more than the bride, you should be good.
24:06
Which is a lot of dim if it's a dress.
24:08
That thing's got a train on it.
24:10
Oh, yeah.
24:10
Yeah.
24:11
She's got a lot of fabric.
24:14
So as long as you just kind of do a happy medium, you should be you should be fine.
24:18
Immediately when I'm imagining this wedding, I'm not necessarily imagining you and Katie up
24:23
there at the altar.
24:24
Sure.
24:25
I imagine that bride is a hefty broad.
24:28
Oh, yeah.
24:29
Yeah.
24:29
Has she has less brain cells and she has teeth, you know.
24:33
She is forklift certified.
24:34
So that's that's kind of cool, though.
24:37
Certified to be lifted by a forklift.
24:39
Hey.
24:40
Or that'd be an interesting thing to kind of have to the wedding music comes on a very
24:47
old CD player.
24:48
Here comes a bride, you know, the classic tune.
24:51
You hear the beep beep beep of the forklift coming down the aisle.
24:58
Somebody could be driving her while she sits on the lift and they lift her into the pool.
25:02
Yeah.
25:03
I think I could I think that's a really good addition.
25:06
There's a there's a brief three minute period of her panicking in the pool thinking she
25:11
can't swim.
25:11
She's like, just stand up, Deborah.
25:13
Just stand up.
25:13
It's sore.
25:15
They're not a million times.
25:17
This is your pool.
25:21
There are any prana in here, are there?
25:22
No, Deborah, there's not any prana in here.
25:24
I got rid of those last week.
25:27
What are you all leaving in?
25:28
Probably if we can both get in the Honda Rancher, we'll probably just drive right off
25:34
in that thing.
25:35
It's not new.
25:36
It's not nice, but it gets us.
25:38
It gets us where we need to go.
25:39
Honestly, I was expecting to be an international harvester.
25:42
Just getting I think we're missing up a redneck here.
25:47
I was I was imagining an old Ford Rangers paint smudged, dimmed, you know, headlight out
25:57
from the 80s.
25:58
Yeah.
25:59
Yeah.
25:59
And we do have one of those, but I just want to make sure somebody's not already using
26:05
it for maybe like another wedding.
26:07
Yeah.
26:07
You know, because it's kind of the nicest car that we sort of have in the in the park.
26:12
So maybe if somebody else is getting married that day, maybe they're using it.
26:15
Allow me to defend and secure that vehicle for you.
26:18
I feel like the fanciest car should be at the fanciest wedding venue.
26:22
Yeah, you're probably right.
26:24
But I am not the most like person there.
26:27
There are a couple other family members that are that are like more than me.
26:31
So I'm I'm down a couple of rungs on on when I can have the truck.
26:35
You didn't wear your MAGA hat every day, did you?
26:38
No, unfortunately, there were a couple of days where that thing left at home accidentally.
26:43
We said we said the bride dresses in a denim dress.
26:47
Yeah.
26:47
Big long train.
26:48
What are you dressed in?
26:49
What are your grooms and dressed in?
26:51
So I have an old Wrangler denim jacket, also kind of sort of matching her.
26:56
I have the sleeves cut off of that as well.
26:59
Kind of let the gun show.
27:00
Yeah.
27:01
Yeah.
27:01
I mean, and also recently got a tattoo reflecting the love for my mother on my on my arm.
27:08
So I'd like I'd like for that to be shown sort of in the in the wedding as well.
27:12
Now, did she also get a tattoo saying not Alan's mother just to make sure it was clear?
27:17
Hers says Bush's baked beans.
27:23
Where are you going on your honeymoon?
27:24
Dollywood.
27:25
You're going to probably.
27:26
Probably Dollywood.
27:28
OK, let's not hate on Dollywood.
27:30
First of all, we're not hating on it.
27:33
Even you can't argue that that's where these people are going.
27:36
A lot of people from my family take the annual pilgrimage.
27:39
We'll probably just ride with them.
27:43
Are you all staying in the same hotel room?
27:45
Yeah.
27:45
Yeah.
27:48
Kind of save money where you can.
27:49
Yeah, that's right.
27:50
It was expensive.
27:51
That's right.
27:52
That's right.
27:52
It's worth it.
27:53
You can't get in for free.
27:54
Yeah.
27:55
But also a quick ad for Dollywood fastest wooden roller coaster maybe in the world.
28:00
I know America.
28:01
Which is a dumb thing.
28:03
That's like saying the most comfortable wood shoes.
28:05
It doesn't make any sense.
28:07
We are we're past that.
28:08
We're that's what the technology has progressed past winning winning roller coaster.
28:12
Why does an advertisement?
28:13
It just gives it a different feel.
28:15
With normal roller coasters, you get on, you get through the thrill, you get off your
28:20
heart's racing, at Dollywood with the fastest wooden roller coaster, you get on it and it
28:26
violently shakes your entire body.
28:29
You get off and you also get the thrill because it's going upwards of 70 miles per hour.
28:36
But you've slipped the disc.
28:38
Yeah.
28:38
Your whole body is aching.
28:40
You feel like you've been beat by Rocky Balboa within an inch of your life and your head is
28:44
pounding.
28:45
Your body's aching.
28:46
That's not to say that there's probably not a guy named Rocky there ready to beat you with an
28:50
inch of your life at Dollywood.
28:51
So that's the upside of the way.
28:54
And you get off the you feel much better getting off of a wooden roller coaster than you do a
29:00
standard one because you feel like you just survived a harrowing experience.
29:04
Exactly.
29:05
It makes me angry.
29:06
Dolly, if you're out there and you're listening, Zach does not speak for the rest of the rest
29:11
of QD.
29:12
Two thirds of us are big fans.
29:14
Very pro Dolly and her wood.
29:17
Park.
29:23
Zach, moving right along to you and what you would do for your wedding.
29:30
My wedding was fantastic and it was very exciting.
29:33
But I realize that a lot of people's weddings aren't that thrilling.
29:36
Kind of lame music played on a pipe organ.
29:38
Some sleepy old man at the front just kind of reading off words, you know, just kind of
29:44
falling out of their mouth.
29:45
So I'm going to give Justin maybe a good example of what to do to maybe bring the thrill to
29:51
your wedding day in the United States.
29:53
On average, we have about seven riots a day.
29:57
There was the capital was infiltrated by people that probably went to your wedding.
30:02
Yeah.
30:04
January sixers.
30:06
Yeah.
30:06
Roll deep.
30:07
They're not going to be able to make it to your second wedding because they're in prison.
30:11
No, you know, with the racial tension that's happening in the United States, lots of riots.
30:17
I say have your wedding at a riot.
30:20
You see those police officers pile out of that SWAT tank with their shields and helmets.
30:26
On the other side, there's a bunch of people throwing Molotov cocktails and stones.
30:31
Drag that old preacher out there in the middle of it.
30:38
Make him say those words out there.
30:41
Invite your grandparents.
30:43
Put them in the middle of a riot.
30:45
I think it could be cool because some of your family might be there already anyways.
30:48
You may just you may just meet them where they're at.
30:50
Right.
30:51
Yeah.
30:53
May just show up at the same place.
30:55
They go.
30:56
They go.
30:58
Wait a minute.
30:59
Is that is that Zach getting married right now?
31:02
My God, you bring an extra rock.
31:05
Well, you know, and as maybe wedding gifts we give to the people that are there Molotov cocktails.
31:12
We give them signs to pick it.
31:14
We we put your wedding right in the middle of one of those riots and you can pick any day you want.
31:20
I totally free by the way.
31:21
Nobody pays for these.
31:23
Not in the moment at least, but very exciting people.
31:27
There is no other wedding where you have to keep your head on a swivel.
31:30
And really, is that a wedding worth going to?
31:32
There needs to be a certain level of apprehension when you when you go to a wedding.
31:38
You need you need to always be worried that some cop with a taser is going to come up behind you and stick you in the neck for quote unquote not doing anything wrong.
31:46
Yeah.
31:47
My only issue with this is the only or the only issue I see coming up with this is if you're if your wedding gets tear gassed,
31:54
then you're not going to know if people are crying because of how beautiful your wedding is or if they're just crying because of the tear gas.
32:00
Well, here's the thing.
32:01
I don't care.
32:01
I just really I want to keep up appearances, you know, so as long as it looks like people are crying.
32:08
Yeah, that's all I care about.
32:09
Yeah, I get it.
32:10
Now the wedding pictures are going to look great.
32:12
You're going to have tear gas is going to make you look a weepy eyes red and in the background, gam gam is face down after getting batted down with a baton.
32:25
Beautiful.
32:26
I just that that's picturesque.
32:28
That's a picture of America right there.
32:30
It's turning on those firetruck hoses, hosing down those protesters that we put our wedding between the two lines of people fighting.
32:39
And you know, I think the way you're going about it is probably good.
32:43
Um, you'd rather have a wedding in the middle of a riot than a riot in the middle of your wedding.
32:49
Oh, that's a good thought.
32:50
That's very because the riot in the middle of your wedding is about you probably.
32:54
Yeah, the riot that surrounds the wedding isn't I was going to.
32:58
Yeah.
32:59
What were you going to say?
33:00
I was going to say, what if there's a bunch of people that object to your wedding within a riot, within a riot?
33:06
So then it becomes a riot within a wedding within a riot.
33:11
And then half the people don't know what they're writing about because these people think they're writing about you getting married.
33:16
And they're like, we hate these people.
33:18
We don't think they should be married.
33:20
And then everybody else is like social justice.
33:23
Yeah, yeah.
33:23
They start fighting the cops and like they're yelling social justice and other people like, wait a minute, wait a minute.
33:30
I don't care about social justice.
33:32
I care about that getting married.
33:34
Look at that beautiful man up there.
33:36
I wanted him for myself.
33:37
That's what they'll say.
33:38
I'm sure.
33:39
Wow.
33:39
Yeah, that's what a lot of riots during weddings.
33:42
They're like, oh, I wish I was married to this person.
33:44
Yeah.
33:45
And just like people that break the glass or do the sand mixing or whatever they do at weddings, we're going to flip a car.
33:52
We're going to find a sedan, bust its windows out and flip it for our wedding.
33:59
That's nice.
34:00
That's like a unity candle.
34:02
Yeah.
34:02
Yeah.
34:03
Yeah.
34:03
It's just, you know, we're going to do it together.
34:05
So it shows that we are unified.
34:07
We are a team.
34:08
But y'all do it after everybody thinks that they're sending you off.
34:11
So everybody gets in the lines and you run through the line like you're running out to this car to get in and leave.
34:17
And then once you get to it, you just flip it.
34:19
And everybody's like, yeah, yeah.
34:21
Right. Freaks out.
34:23
Right.
34:23
It starts all over again.
34:25
The the walkout is going to just be a bunch of people with batons.
34:29
It's going to look like me and me and my wife are going to walk down the center of that as we get pelted on both sides by by some nightsticks.
34:39
Nightsticks and little gun bags.
34:42
They're going to have.
34:43
Yeah, they're going to have the shotgun with the less than lethal rounds as I get struck in the knee and fall to fall to my knee.
34:54
My wife is having to drag me the rest of the way to the car, but it's all going to be worth it.
34:59
And it's exciting.
35:00
And really, that's the goal I really wanted to meet here was the excitement.
35:04
I think a lot of the times women, I'm sure our wives are all the same way in this.
35:09
They they're all women.
35:10
I hope.
35:11
Well, they are very good.
35:12
Great observation there.
35:13
I was saying they're they're into surprises, you know, always, always want to be surprised.
35:20
Yeah, I want a flower, want a treat.
35:22
So sometimes, though, is your wife a dog?
35:27
You are you married to a dog?
35:29
It's going to cause another riot when we're writing at the Supreme Court trying to get animal marriage legal.
35:39
So, yeah, you know, somebody's got to be the front.
35:42
You did say paving the way anyway.
35:44
Uh, excitement.
35:46
Do it in the middle of a riot.
35:47
It will provide all the excitement you need.
35:50
All right.
35:51
So for our next hypothetical, we're going to ask if you were to hire someone for a job, what type of person would you look for?
35:59
Someone I value whenever I'm looking for an employee, someone that hasn't cut their hair in a while and that's on their head or on their face.
36:09
I want someone that has like a raggedy look to them.
36:13
Of course.
36:13
Maybe someone that hasn't showered in a while has like a dirty physique, if you will.
36:19
Do you look at their physique when they come in?
36:22
I do.
36:22
Yeah.
36:22
Do you like the main thing?
36:24
Take off your take off your clothes.
36:25
Let me see.
36:26
Yes. Number one thing is I need to see your purest form.
36:31
Um, your the way you the way you came into this world.
36:35
Yes.
36:36
Yes.
36:36
I need to see everything that God gave you because if I if I can't trust that, then how can I trust you to be my employee?
36:48
Yeah, you need to be vulnerable.
36:51
Yes.
36:51
You need to be willing.
36:54
You're looking for somebody dirty and vulnerable.
36:57
You need to be willing to be vulnerable and in order to give me your all, you have to show me your.
37:02
Oh, okay.
37:08
So not in a weird way.
37:10
Sure.
37:11
In a most professional, purely professional in a way that I want to see their work ethic, not their, you know, not what they have on their body.
37:22
I want to see what their work ethic would be like.
37:25
And the only way to really know that is to look at their their body.
37:29
Isn't that what Louis CK said?
37:33
He said in a few more strokes, but that's not what I'm about.
37:43
It's purely professional.
37:45
So they come in, they're dirty, they're raggedy.
37:52
What was the rest of you get them naked?
37:54
But was there anything more to the dirt and the grime that is that is on these people?
37:58
Are you okay with people coming up with skinned up knees like they just fell off a Harley?
38:04
It's really scabby.
38:05
Yeah.
38:07
That's fine.
38:08
If you're a little messed up, a little hurt, your body's a little shambled, that's fine.
38:16
It's not too bad.
38:17
I don't want to know like deformities or anything.
38:20
That's just weird.
38:21
I don't want to look at that.
38:22
But if you're just a little skinned up, it's fine.
38:26
What if somebody comes in a prospect and he has around his waist a bunch of dirty bandages and blood from his side around his ribs are leaking from his body.
38:38
You point to that, you go, what happened there?
38:41
You go stab wound and he leaves it at that.
38:43
Is that okay?
38:43
What's his family situation?
38:45
He has two dads.
38:46
No, that's too much family.
38:50
Okay, you're not as concerned about the dynamic, but rather the amount.
38:53
For the most part, but also two dads kind of tells me that he's...
38:58
You're looking for somebody with daddy issues.
38:59
...somebody come after me.
39:01
Oh, okay.
39:02
Not necessarily.
39:02
No, no, no.
39:03
It's purely I want these people that they're dirty for a reason.
39:07
They don't have anywhere else to go to.
39:10
They don't have anyone looking after them.
39:11
No one's going to know if they disappear for a while.
39:15
So you're kind of looking for somebody who's not raised by their parents, but raised by a really out of touch grandmother or something.
39:23
Yeah, that could be good.
39:24
That could be good.
39:25
Yeah, I've had some that are orphans.
39:28
Some were raised by, like you're saying, like an out of touch grandparent, whether that's grandmother, grandfather.
39:34
So what if a guy comes in?
39:35
He's everything that you want and he takes off his shoe and puts his foot up on the table and he's missing about three toes.
39:43
He's like, check this out.
39:45
You hiring him?
39:46
Um...
39:46
His family situation is he doesn't have a father, but his grandfather hung himself in 84.
39:52
What about his mother?
39:53
I didn't have a mother.
39:54
Oh yeah, he's good.
39:55
No one's gonna...
39:55
I know a guy.
39:56
This is a very specific guy I know about.
40:00
So...
40:00
Yeah, point him my way.
40:01
You're not gonna check on him, are you?
40:05
No, no, no.
40:06
Okay.
40:07
So you're looking for people to be vulnerable, but you're also looking for vulnerable people.
40:11
So I've got a guy, a friend of mine, he's handicapped from the waist down, still has both of his legs.
40:17
Don't love it.
40:19
Just off the start.
40:19
Keep going though.
40:20
Okay.
40:21
Alan was like, oh, I thought that was enough.
40:24
So dad is out of the picture.
40:27
Mom is still in the picture, but got remarried to uncle.
40:30
That, hey, lots of drama in that.
40:33
Was the uncle his dad's brother or his mom's brother?
40:37
The uncle was dad's brother, but he was an Afghani war vet.
40:42
Oof, that's tough.
40:44
If he comes after you, he knows what he's doing.
40:47
Yeah, yeah.
40:48
So probably gonna pass on that one.
40:50
Okay, okay.
40:50
Because really, I mean, he's handicapped to begin with.
40:53
And then, yeah, I mean, you get it.
40:55
Yeah.
40:55
You get it.
40:56
I don't have to say too much.
40:57
No, no.
40:58
You know.
40:59
I mean, it's all here.
41:01
Now, Evan, I'm gonna ask this and you can plead the fifth.
41:04
Are you trying to kidnap homeless people?
41:07
Correct.
41:08
I plead the fifth.
41:10
Okay.
41:11
Okay.
41:12
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
41:12
Okay.
41:13
I think I've extrapolated the information and that's the conclusion I've drawn is that-
41:19
I've given you the details.
41:20
It's up to you to form the conclusion.
41:23
A lot of reading between the lines happening here.
41:26
Yeah.
41:27
What if somebody comes in there and they're like, you want me to do what?
41:30
And they bolt and run.
41:32
Oof.
41:32
Run to their nearest attorney-at-law.
41:34
It's called a loose end in the biz.
41:36
Yeah.
41:37
Listen, I don't leave any stone unturned.
41:40
I leave no loose ends.
41:41
If they're walking in, I have someone guarding the door.
41:45
We're not gonna have people trying to sue us.
41:48
We're not gonna have people trying to defame my name because they don't understand what it is our company is trying to do.
41:55
And the purpose of what we're trying to accomplish for the betterment of society.
42:00
Now, he says this like he has nothing to worry about.
42:03
Just last week, Evan hired me to take a pavement roller, you know, that smooths out the pavement and run over a homeless tent town.
42:13
Yeah.
42:13
And I assume that was to get rid of some loose ends?
42:16
Some very loose ends.
42:18
No one believed them anyway because they had been in our mental institutions anyway.
42:22
Yeah.
42:23
And-
42:23
They're no longer loose ends, they're flat ends.
42:25
Do you target mentally ill people?
42:28
I wouldn't target.
42:29
I wouldn't say target per se, but-
42:32
He's not gonna turn them down.
42:33
Yeah, that.
42:35
And it's kind of like if you're- we cast a wide net is what I'm gonna say.
42:40
We cast a wide net.
42:41
Yeah.
42:42
So we catch a few.
42:44
You know, we were tossing the ocean for what's a nice- for King Mackerel.
42:49
What's a fish you catch in the net?
42:52
It's just any fish, I think.
42:53
Just we- okay.
42:54
I think you can just name some.
42:56
We-
42:56
I didn't want to say catfish, you don't really net fish catfish, but we cast our net out there for some cod and yeah, we get a lot of cod, sure.
43:06
He sounds like he catches homeless and mentally handicapped people with nets.
43:10
That's what I'm hearing.
43:11
We catch a lot of cod, but we also catch some salmon if you catch- if you get my drift.
43:17
It's not all-
43:18
You get your drift, you're taking advantage of the weakest members of our society and calling them fish.
43:23
A lot of fish in the sea.
43:25
You really just see your employees as animals, don't you?
43:29
Mainly fish, yeah.
43:31
Okay.
43:32
You know, we've talked a lot about business on the Questionable Detour podcast and it's because we are entrepreneurs at heart.
43:38
And for me, I am looking for somebody specific and I'm gonna rattle off some things just kind of off the top of my head that I'm looking for.
43:47
And if y'all know anybody, you two or anybody out there, if y'all know anybody, send them my way.
43:51
First of all, I'm looking for somebody that can eat a foot long, coney hot dog, looking you straight in the eye without stopping.
43:58
Looking for somebody that wears the wrong shoe on the wrong foot and is confident about it because they're ignorant to the fact that they're doing it.
44:06
I'm looking for somebody that is selling loose dental floss just in their jacket.
44:11
I'm looking for somebody that slows down before they get into the turn lane.
44:16
Now, are all these requirements or is it like this is the type of person?
44:21
This is...
44:23
No, I'm looking for somebody specific. They have to meet all these requirements.
44:27
All right. Let's... I don't know how many more requirements there are, but let's start...
44:31
I could have kept going.
44:32
Let's start from the beginning on the first one.
44:35
So somebody who can eat an entire foot long chili cheese coney without breaking eye contact?
44:41
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
44:42
Are they allowed to blink?
44:44
No.
44:44
No, no, no. They either finish the coney or their eyes dry out.
44:48
They'll finish it.
44:53
Is that the shirt of that?
44:58
Alan's my enforcer. He's hired.
45:00
I know a guy.
45:01
He will enforce all my rules.
45:03
How about I'm looking for somebody that wears at least four watches on each arm?
45:08
I'm looking for somebody that wears socks, but the toes are cut out.
45:14
So like how homeless guys wear the fingerless gloves.
45:18
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. That's it.
45:20
I want somebody that maybe carries around their fish tank every time they come to work.
45:26
And it doesn't have a top. It's sloshes. Water goes everywhere.
45:29
Are there any fish in the tank?
45:30
There's fish... Well, at the beginning of the day there is.
45:34
No, they commute with that?
45:35
Yeah, and they ride a bike.
45:38
Oh, lord.
45:38
That's their daily?
45:39
That's their daily. I don't pay them enough to get a car.
45:42
How big is the fish tank?
45:43
10 gallon.
45:43
If he's got a lot of marbles, can he put them in there instead of fish?
45:46
No, the marble guy is a totally different guy.
45:49
Oh, okay.
45:50
Yeah.
45:50
So this is not one person for each of these things?
45:53
No, I'm looking for each person to find...
45:56
Oh, did I not make that so clear?
45:58
Oh, I see. Okay.
45:59
Yeah, I'm looking for these people individually to fill very specific spots within my corporation.
46:03
So you've got a team.
46:04
Yeah, exactly.
46:05
Yeah, yeah.
46:06
Okay.
46:06
I want somebody that enters a room backwards.
46:09
Okay, so I think it kind of sucks that Michael Jackson died because he could moonwalk.
46:17
He could be that guy that enters a room backwards.
46:18
I wanted Michael Jackson for a totally different reason.
46:21
I want somebody that always has cans strung from the back of their car.
46:27
And I don't mean like 12 cans like you're leaving a wedding.
46:29
I mean, I want multiple years of 24 packs of beer cans just hanging off the back of your car.
46:38
I want somebody that always walks around with duct tape.
46:40
And when you start a conversation with them, they pull it out quickly.
46:44
So you hear that you hear the duct tape coming out.
46:47
You know, you know that sound I'm talking about?
46:48
They don't have to do anything with it.
46:49
They just have to pull it out.
46:50
No, it's just a kind of a threatening situation.
46:53
You are LinkedIn's worst nightmare.
46:58
No recruiting agency would ever work for you.
47:00
No.
47:02
That's why I have the duct tape guy.
47:03
The recruiting agent comes in and goes, Nakabela, Nakabela, fill this order.
47:09
He stretches that duct tape off the roll quickly.
47:11
He's like, okay, give me one more day.
47:13
Now, what would you say it is your company does?
47:15
Was that a riddle?
47:16
What did you say?
47:17
What did you say?
47:18
Said, now, what would it what would you say that your company does?
47:22
Oh, various tasks.
47:23
I think really it's just you come in the doors and you say I have an issue and we solve it.
47:28
We are built to solve any issue that you have.
47:30
So name an issue.
47:30
I'll solve it for you right here.
47:32
Because you have all these people with all these issues, so they have to know a way around.
47:34
Oh my gosh.
47:35
Yeah, they have to.
47:36
I have a guy for everything.
47:38
Okay, so I have a dyslexic uncle who only has one leg.
47:45
Okay, bad.
47:46
That's rough.
47:46
It is rough.
47:48
He needs to get to ballet practice, but I can't drive him.
47:52
Can you help with that?
47:53
Yeah, I have a guy that has a two seater bicycle, but his wife just died.
47:58
So extra seat.
48:00
He has one leg.
48:01
Is he going to?
48:02
He's also doing ballet, Alan.
48:04
He can't be responsible for pedaling, though.
48:06
He can be on one side.
48:07
He can pedal on one side, yeah.
48:08
Oh.
48:09
I don't know how his balance is going to do on that.
48:12
But he might slide off one way.
48:14
He's a ballet guy.
48:15
It might work.
48:16
But we have a duct tape guy.
48:17
We can duct tape him on.
48:18
Sure.
48:19
Yeah.
48:20
So I have a guy that's he's afraid to walk through doors, but he's okay with sliding.
48:25
Through the door?
48:25
Yeah.
48:26
I have a guy that is completely covered in butter, and what we can do, what my business can do,
48:32
is we can slide this guy through first.
48:35
So the butter coats the floor.
48:37
Second guy slides right through.
48:38
Is that guy Gibby from iCarly?
48:43
This guy's name is Gimpy.
48:44
He doesn't walk.
48:45
Just slides.
48:46
Just slides.
48:47
That's why he has butter all over him.
48:50
My grandfather suffers from PTSD.
48:53
He had a real bad experience in CVS one time where he fell down.
48:58
So he's not allowed to walk into CVS's anymore without having an attack.
49:03
How can you help him?
49:04
He needs to go into CVS?
49:05
He has to.
49:06
He can't go in anywhere else.
49:07
Is he going for a pharmaceutical run?
49:08
What's he going into CVS for?
49:10
Hair bow gummy bears.
49:11
Okay.
49:12
And he can't go in there at all?
49:14
Not without support.
49:15
That's where you come in.
49:16
Okay.
49:16
So we need to give him support.
49:18
Yeah.
49:18
Thankfully, we have a guy with a trebuchet.
49:20
What we're going to do, line him up, two windows on each side of the CVS, and aim him.
49:25
Slingshot him with that trebuchet right through one window, grabs the hair bow gummy bears,
49:31
goes right out the second window.
49:32
He has to be in there maybe 0.5 seconds.
49:35
Okay.
49:35
I like the idea.
49:36
Now the guy is not very accurate.
49:38
So your grandfather might be splattered on the side of the CVS like a mosquito on a car.
49:44
Okay.
49:45
Is it worth the risk?
49:47
He needs his bears.
49:48
Okay.
49:50
I have a guy who loves to wake up and smell the roses, but he's definitely allergic to flowers.
49:55
What can you do about that?
49:56
I have a lady named Rose.
49:58
She smells like gum and cigarettes, and she will let you smell her.
50:04
Pray very low fee.
50:08
That works.
50:08
My mom likes to stand in a garden and pretend like she's a stalk of corn.
50:13
Can you help with that?
50:18
Now say I know a guy that doesn't have any real bone structure to him, and his body moves like noodles.
50:25
Like a bowl of spaghetti.
50:26
Sure.
50:26
Can you do anything with that?
50:27
Yeah.
50:28
I have an Asian man that has a bunch of chopsticks.
50:32
We'll take a duct tape guy in, fashion a bone structure of duct tape and chopsticks.
50:39
He'll be able to stand up.
50:40
Now he'll look like a scarecrow, just kind of hands out to the side, kind of T-posing.
50:45
But he'll be able to stand and really count that as a problem solved.
50:49
Now I'm glad you don't ask what the Coney hot dog guy is used for.
50:55
What problem is he solving?
50:57
Second episode of Questionable Detour After Dark.
51:01
Nice.
51:02
On the weekdays.
51:03
In the books.
51:04
This is a new thing for us.
51:06
Busy time.
51:06
Do you guys like it?
51:07
Or how do you feel about it?
51:09
I'm for it.
51:10
It's a different vibe.
51:11
I like it.
51:11
It's so much more unhinged.
51:13
It's a little more unhinged.
51:14
I feel like, you know.
51:16
And I feel like we might be, people might consider us pretty unhinged normally, but most of
51:22
the episodes are recorded in our prime.
51:24
We've just woken up.
51:26
Yeah.
51:26
Had a bagel, had some coffee.
51:28
Yeah.
51:28
This is at the end of our shifts at the factories.
51:32
Our respective factories.
51:33
We don't work at the same factory.
51:35
No.
51:36
Our clothes are just ruined with silt and other forms of debris.
51:43
I'm not wearing clothes right now.
51:44
Always a bead of sweat atop our foreheads.
51:47
With a vein popping out.
51:49
Oh my gosh.
51:50
Yeah.
51:50
We live hearty lives.
51:52
The only part of my skin that's not covered in soot is my eye.
51:55
That's because of the goggles I wear.
51:58
My factory job.
51:59
Yeah.
51:59
Yeah.
52:00
And we have been meaning to talk to you about not wearing clothes here.
52:03
I think we brought it up in a previous episode.
52:05
I'm trying to get fired.
52:06
We brought it up in a previous episode.
52:08
Yeah.
52:08
We're not going to fire you.
52:09
Your whole body's covered in soot.
52:10
Yeah.
52:11
So it's basically like you're wearing clothes.
52:12
I'm not even employed.
52:13
Yeah.
52:14
That's the next issue.
52:17
Yeah.
52:18
Why are you getting this lit?
52:21
So it's basically like you're wearing clothes because you're covered in head to toe in a
52:25
black powdery substance.
52:27
And when I get up from the seat it looks like a chalk outline murder.
52:31
It does.
52:32
Just you're ruining all my chairs.
52:34
Yeah.
52:34
Anyway, you have a hypothetical?
52:37
Have a need some advice?
52:38
Questionable Detour podcast at Gmail.
52:40
Seems like the way to go.
52:42
Seems like the way people are getting a hold of us.
52:44
Just have something to say to us.
52:45
Yeah.
52:46
Tell us you hate us.
52:46
Tell us you love us.
52:47
Any insults you need to throw out?
52:49
Don't try and fax us.
52:52
We will not respond.
52:54
We haven't given out a fax number but don't try and come up with a fax number.
52:58
We did have to turn the fax machine off.
53:00
It was making a lot of words and beeping noises.
53:04
Yeah.
53:04
Very annoying.
53:05
Saddle your character.
53:06
Sounded like R2-D2 having sex.
53:08
It was rough.
53:11
Yeah.
53:11
We do accept Pony Express.
53:14
That is one form of communication we are up to date on.
53:18
Pony Express just sounds like a strip club in Fast Forward.
53:23
It sounds like a to-go strip club.
53:26
Yeah.
53:28
It does.
53:29
Anything?
53:29
Any closing thoughts?
53:31
Closing thoughts.
53:32
Yes.
53:33
The state of the union.
53:34
Oh my God.
53:36
No, I'm just kidding.
53:37
I got it.
53:38
All right.
53:38
Well, Alan, anything?
53:40
No.
53:41
I think this pretty much sums up our thoughts of the day.
53:45
Yeah.
53:46
Yeah.
53:46
Thanks to Justin for emailing in.
53:49
That was a great question.
53:50
Everybody else do the same.
53:51
Follow Justin's lead.
53:54
He's really set a precedent here along with our other...
54:00
Seeking wisdom.
54:00
...guy that emailed in who has a name.
54:04
I'm almost positive.
54:07
Eric.
54:07
Yeah, Eric and Justin.
54:08
They really stepped up to the plate.
54:11
They asked the tough questions and that's kind of what we're about here.
54:16
Vulnerability.
54:17
Everybody else following their footsteps.
54:19
Send us communication of some variety.
54:22
But all right, let's be done.
54:24
Please.
54:25
Oh.
54:30
Expect the detour.