Latest / All The Light She Found / Can the Hardest Parts of Life Lead us to the Most Beautiful?
Transcript
- kelly: Well, hello my friends. I am so glad you're here with me today. I'm Kelly McGurk. I'm your host for all the light she found. And this week I have been specifically thinking about the amount of joy that I feel in my life currently. And it kind of brought me to this interesting. process of reflecting and thinking about in my clients' lives, in my life, in my friend's life, but how pain, deep pain or loss really can create expansion for what we are allowed to feel, like the good, right? Like I often am Just driving in my car and just feeling so overwhelmingly grateful for my current life. And I've been noticing this for like the last maybe I would go nine months maybe. not that I haven't felt joy, obviously, but I mean like just this like overwhelmingly grateful heart that I have for what I have in my life currently. And it made me really stop and think about how life kind of can surprise you that way. That in my story, right? Like my story is all about like losing people I love, like grief and how it just kept compacting, right? Like I lost my dad and then my mom and then my husband and So, like just the compounding grief that just kept happening in my life and how like for some reason, like losing Mike was like this icing on the cake, you know, like my goodness, like I literally am alone. That's how it felt at that time. I obviously have shared. On here many times that I am definitely not alone. But you know, just like thinking about the people who you knew for sure, like was your ride or die? So I obviously I've stepped back and, you know, obviously my brother and my daughter and my son-in-law and my close friends, like you have plenty of those people. But something about your husband, your mom, and your dad is like this like core, Like stool, right? Like with three legs. And those three kind of were the ones that helped, keep it all together. And so I think the most surprising thing to me about my journey in grief and feeling like such a deep loss and pain is how beautiful life can actually be on the other side of that. And how, all three of those people. in my life never ever wanted anything but for me to live a beautiful life. Like, so I never felt this sense. I know some grievers feel a lot of guilt and this sense of survivor's guilt. Like that they're not allowed to feel joy somehow because their person's not here. I thank God never had that. Like I felt like all the people in my life wanted me to go and be so happy and live such a big life. And so thank God for that gift but I have found like it's surprising how my capacity to just feel in general, my capacity to feel gratitude and joy and excitement has been so amazingly surprising and what a gift, my goodness. So talking about pain and loss and grief, And I don't think we talk enough about what are the gifts of that. Like obviously there is no planet where I would choose this joy that I speak of over the people that I've lost, like please. But in the sense that that isn't an option and deciding how to move forward with life. And it doesn't even have to be the loss of a person. It can be a divorce. It can be, some devastating transition in life, something that was shocking and not expected. But like how do we respond to that? How do we come back from that? I think is like where all the light she found came from in my mind, but also just like in general, like how you're open to it, like how you can just live so much bigger. And after losing people and realizing that they can no longer be here, you know, how short and finite life is and what do you want to do with this, you know, that quote, like, what do you want to do with this one amazing, beautiful life? And, you know, I think sometimes we get so caught up in I mean, just the habits and the schedules and the You know, just the everyday thing that we forget how magical it is to actually be here, okay, and to have choices and to get to learn new things and meet new people and and experience new things. And and I think that is probably where grief has shown up so large for me is just girl, like what is it you want to do and get going? Like we don't know how long we have, none of us do. And You know, so I think pain in general though, like hard things, struggles, if we look at them as opportunities, not to be all like Instagram quote because I'm really, are you kidding me? Like I know how hard life can be. But if we do, if we do look at it like, okay, what opportunities does this give to me? how do I challenge myself to look at this from a place of gratitude? Rather than a place of just loss. so that's kind of where the episode today is going, friends, is just to take a look at and do an inventory of what is it that maybe I'm not allowing myself to do because I I feel like I need permission what would I like to see in this next chapter? Like where am I going and what would I like? And so I just this is kind of like That was my flow for today. So I'm glad you're here joining me. I love that so much. I'm so excited to be here as always. but I I'm thinking about like currently, like, you know. this is gonna sound cheesy, so stay with me. I just didn't know happiness could feel this big. I know that is so strange, and I don't mean to say it in a weird way. And I by no means does this mean, you know, that I wasn't happy before. Okay. But I could have never anticipated how deeply I would appreciate my life right now. I just really, I couldn't. So I'm wondering: like, what if some of the experiences that nearly broke our hearts also change our capacity to experience our own life? I really do. I think about that sometimes. Grief didn't just change my life, it changed me fundamentally. Like it literally changed me. grief has widened my capacity to feel deeply, to live bigger, and to want more. And I really have been noticing that so much. I've shared on these episodes, you know, some of the things that have been life changing for me, like focusing on my health and fitness and you know. Just being open to what opportunities show up for me in my life and answering the door to those, right? Like, because I had a full life. Like this isn't like, all of a sudden, like life opened up to me. I'm not saying that at all. I had a beautiful, full life. I had, you know, a a long marriage and a beautiful family and businesses and experiences, but something literally shifted in me and it wasn't overnight for sure. and certainly when I share this, please know it wasn't without pain. I mean, I've shared some of the episodes and that, but somewhere along the way, my relationship with life itself began changing. and so, like, some things to like kind of ponder is like what things matter to me more now, or what things matter to you more after a really hard season. And like what things matter significantly less? Because I have noticed that in my life. just the small things that really kind of irritate us and taking a step back and going, how big is that in real life? You know? Focusing on loving people so intentionally, you know, really making sure that if I go a few weeks and go, my gosh, I haven't even acknowledged this person, like going to whoa, like let's get regrouped, let's do this. And feeling more willing, you guys. This is kind of one of the new things. Just feeling more willing to try new things, take chances. And I've always loved experiencing things, but like what else do I want to experience? Like just let's go. Let's go try things. And I think that like when you've experienced how quickly life can change, you start paying attention to the life that's happening right in front of you. And I want to distinguish you guys between appreciating life because you're afraid of losing it, and appreciating life because you understand its value. Like those are two different things. Sitting around being afraid of like, when am I going to die? How am I going to die? What if I only live till here? And sitting there and going, Wait, I have a good life that's sitting here right in front of me, and how do I want to show up for it? You know, those are two different ways of living for sure. And The gift of loss wasn't the pain. Like that's that is absolutely not where I'm headed with this, because there is no planet where I want to romanticize suffering that anyone goes through, because that freaking sucks, okay. And not everyone, I want to be clear, especially because I sit in The chairs with people and I see how different versions of it show up. So I am not romanticizing that one day you wake up and everything's magical. Okay. I always like to kind of put things into perspective. When I'm talking about my personal experience, I'm not saying that's everyone's experience at all. And I have so much empathy and care and compassion for those who struggle in different ways and don't come out the other side like I'm sharing. I don't think everyone experiences growth after trauma. And not every painful experience leads to something beautiful. And that is a fact. And nobody needs to experience tragedy to appreciate life. Cause we don't. I I was very grateful for life before I went through hard things for sure. but sometimes I think that we're able to discover something meaningful because of how we've responded to what happens. You know, like I would have never chosen again. I want to repeat, I would have never chosen what I've experienced. Okay. That I mean, that would be ridiculous. But I also can't deny that the woman that I am today has been shaped by those experiences, you guys. Like, I don't think I would be well, I know to be honest, I wouldn't be who I am today without those experiences. And there are parts of who I've become that I genuinely love. Like I like the woman that I am today. so I think that what's happened is I found gifts in the life that I've built after loss. You know, like I think that I have found things to be grateful for despite what has happened. Right. Like, I'm not grateful for what happened. Those things, ew. Like nobody's grateful for like trauma, right? Like or loss or divorce or my God. Like, you know, those things are not things that we're like, yeah, let's go for that and see what happens on the other side. But life will give us really crappy hands sometimes. And I think that that's what I'm saying. Like, I can hate what happened and love who I'm becoming. And I can both of those things can be true. And I can miss those people terribly and love the life that I'm creating. And yeah, I can wish that my story looked different and still be super excited about the chapters ahead. I don't think we have to be grateful for what happened to find gratitude in what comes next. I really don't. I think obviously when I'm talking out there and people are listening, not all of you have lost a spouse, but all of you have known disappointment. Not everybody's marriage has ended, but there's a lot of people that know what it's like to lose someone in different ways. Breakups, marriages ending, loss. I mean, a lot of you know what it's like to spend your whole life building a career that you wake up and now you're not happy in, right? Or the parents whose children have grown up and wondering who they are now because they don't have a relationship, right? I think. Sometimes life looks very different than what we imagined. And sometimes the hardest experiences of our lives force us to reconsider what actually matters to us. Okay, it's not just what actually matters, but what actually matters to us. The hardest experiences interrupt the routines that we've been living, right? They challenge the stories we've been telling ourselves. And sometimes you guys, they invite us to ask questions we had never considered before. Questions like, what do I actually want? Am I living a life that I enjoy or just a life that I've gotten used to? Because when life kind of shakes you like a bowl of dice and dumps you out, you're like, Is this what I want, or is this just how it's been and it's been easy to keep it that way? Asking questions like what have I been putting off? And how do I want to show up in my life in this new chapter? And new chapters can be all kinds of things. They can be where you're sitting and you haven't had any great tragedy or loss and you're just looking for the next chapter. What does that even look like? I think after spending 30 years watching people navigate some, you know, some pretty incredibly difficult experiences and challenges, pain definitely can make people retreat. But I have also witnessed people discover strengths, values, relationships, and possibilities that they hadn't even recognized before that experience. There's something called post-traumatic growth. Kind of a strange term, but basically it is exactly what it sounds like. It's growing in spite of a traumatic experience. The idea that some people can experience meaningful psychological growth following some significant adversity. Not because the adversity was good. That is never a good thing, and not because they needed to suffer, God knows, but because their experience changed how they understood themselves, their relationship, and their lives. And I want to clarify something: growth doesn't mean pain disappears. I have to remind clients of that a lot. I have to remind myself that sometimes. I think we have to be aware that you can grow and still have pain, and those two things can still be true together as well. Maybe the question isn't how do I get back to the person I was before? Because you know what? In my experience, I can't. I can't go back to that person because that person wasn't the person I am today. that's just not what my life looks like. But maybe it is. Who do I get to become now? And I love that because that's full of opportunity and hope, right? I'm not just surviving my life, I'm actually actively participating in it. This is like what's so important, you know, because I've been sharing with you guys about this life that I'm creating, that I'm taking care of myself, that I'm investing in my friendships, that I am falling in love again. trying new hobbies, I'm making plans and I'm building the businesses and I'm creating this podcast and I'm celebrating my birthday and everyone's birthdays because we're still here and I'm doing things simply because they make me happy and I'm noticing it and I'm feeling such joy because of it. You guys, I'm not just doing more, I'm experiencing it more. That's the thing. Having a full calendar, and I've talked about this, you guys, in my episodes, having a full calendar isn't the same as having a fulfilling life. Now, if you would have told me that a couple of years ago, I probably would have challenged you. Being busy isn't the same as feeling alive. Sometimes the smallest moments bring the greatest joy, and that's what I am living for right now. You know, like just an ordinary day, but an ordinary day filled with someone special, people that you love, and it's the best day ever, right? Maybe I'm sitting with my girlfriends and we're cracking up, or I'm driving in my car and I'm listening to a song that just feeds my soul, you know, or I'm home alone and I'm just having a full conversation with my two dogs. That's feeling somehow oddly very fulfilling. Don't be concerned. I'm aware that they don't actually respond. But it's noticing like the joy that I have in my home or the joy that I have alone in my car listening to that song or with people that I love. it's like contentment, excitement, gratitude, peace. Like it's so many things. It's my willingness to want more. You know, that's what I'm loving right now. I don't know. I hope that you kind of get what I'm saying without being like all Pollyanna about this. Like, I think sometimes we imagine our emotions as though they're mutually exclusive. Like, I don't have to choose between sadness and joy. You know? Just because grief hits us doesn't mean we have to be sad. And just because I'm finding great joy in my life doesn't mean that my prior life wasn't super amazing and important to me. It doesn't mean that I've quote moved on. It just means that like I'm finding that life continues to show up when you show up for it. If we're excited about something new, maybe that means that we've somehow left something important behind. And that's sometimes what people think, but that's not at all how it goes. I can completely love what was before and be completely thrilled with what's ahead. I can miss my husband and be incredibly happy in something new. I can wish my parents were still here and feel enormous gratitude for the people who surround me today. I definitely have moments of sadness and moments of incredible joy in the same day, you know? And neither one of those makes any of it less real or less important. I think. This is what I think. I think it's super important that we need to give ourselves room to understand that obviously our lives are complicated, our emotions are complicated, and we don't have to simplify them into one feeling at a time. Maybe healing isn't about getting to a place where the sadness disappears, but maybe it's about creating a life that has room for all of it. The love, the loss, the gratitude, the disappointment, the excitement, and the joy. Especially the joy. I think if there's one thing I want people to take away from this conversation today is that we have no idea what might still be possible for us. Again, I know that can sound like one of those inspirational reels on Insta, but I mean it in a very real way. Think about where you were five years ago and think about the things that you couldn't have predicted. You know, the people you've met, the things you've survived, the way that you have personally changed. The things that you thought maybe would break you and the things that super surprised you. Now imagine that the next five years might hold as just as many things, right? That we can't even possibly anticipate today. Some of them might be difficult, but some of them might be freaking amazing. And I think that's what I'm choosing to focus on. I don't believe life owes me happiness, but I think everything is gonna work out. Because I can survive the hard things, because I've learned that even after tremendous disappointment, life can still surprise me in beautiful ways. I want to stay open to those surprises. I guess what's really important for me now is I understand life is short and so valuable, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life getting through it. I want to experience it. I want to love my people deeply. I want to take chances. I want to try things that I'm not particularly probably going to be good at. I love laughing until I can't breathe. That's one of my favorite things. And I want to make memories with people I love. I am excited to keep discovering who I am in this chapter and what matters to me. You guys, I know I'm still going to have. difficult days and disappointment and sadness. And there will still be times that I wish things were different. But here's the key, my friends, I do not want those things to convince me that there isn't an extraordinary amount of joy still available. If the last few years have taught me anything, it's that we can experience tremendous pain and still find ourselves living in a beautiful life. I didn't know joy could feel this big. And now that I do, I want to keep making room for it. So guys, let me ask you, where did you find a little light this week? And maybe as you walk through your week, find those moments of joy. Maybe it's in your car alone or talking to your dogs or having a great day with someone that you love. As always, thank you for being with me today. I'm Kelly, and this is all the light she found.