Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / How To Raise Emotionally Intelligent Kids!

Transcript

How To Raise Emotionally Intelligent Kids! · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

0:05
Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
0:07
Psych mom show today, I am taking another requested topic
0:12
which is how to know. If you're raising emotionally
0:16
intelligent kids, which I am also moving into how to raise
0:21
emotionally intelligent kids because what if you figure out
0:24
that you're not, you know, then what so, I will address both of
0:28
those. But before I do, please do click
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on the link to subscribe and then you'll get all my bonus
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content. And the one most recent was
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No, just kidding. But I do address kids and
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And so please do click subscribe if you are getting anything out
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of these podcasts. So anyhow, what is emotionally
0:59
intelligent mean? It means that you can read other
1:03
people's emotions and your We're of your own.
1:06
These two things, usually go together.
1:09
You can't really be emotionally intelligent.
1:11
If you have no idea what your own feelings are and you can't
1:15
really know what your feelings are.
1:16
If you have no idea what anybody else's feelings are.
1:19
So usually what this can be, just another way of saying is
1:25
empathy. So I've written about how to
1:28
teach little kids empathy. I'll link to that in the
1:31
description, but there are also ways to ensure that That you are
1:36
teaching older kids empathy, many of the same ways, some a
1:39
little bit different. So in general, empathy is the
1:44
ability to understand somebody else's feelings.
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The only way that your kids are going to know this is, if you
1:52
talk about your feelings, not if you talk about their feelings
1:56
because sometimes you're going to get it wrong because you're
1:58
not them. So, I've talked about this over
2:00
validating kids, and like, trying to get into their brain
2:04
and like the kid has like a little Expression that you think
2:06
might be a frown so you jump on it and you're like oh my God how
2:10
are you sad? Are you feeling a big feelings
2:13
of sadness or like whatever the hell people say?
2:16
Right now it's like that kid. May have been feeling irritated
2:20
board, angry disgusted, whatever.
2:25
And now all of a sudden, not only do they are they told that
2:28
it's sad but sad is something that makes mommy.
2:32
Very interested and very intensely real.
2:35
React or daddy nowadays. Two men have jumped on the over
2:39
validation bandwagon too. So this kid learns my feelings.
2:44
First of all, I must not know what they are because I
2:46
certainly didn't know that one was sad but now I guess I do and
2:50
if I have a negative feeling like sadness, this is an in a
2:53
way to get Mom or Dad's intense attention.
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And so it must be like really important and I can't just like
3:02
have a feeling on it passes or anything.
3:05
It has to be dwelled on. And this is not a way to create
3:10
a resilient or an empathic child.
3:13
It's mostly a way to create a very self-centered child, that's
3:16
scared of their negative emotions and or uses them
3:20
because to manipulate others because they understand that
3:24
these are like, really important and get every adult attention in
3:27
the room. So that's not what anybody
3:30
wants. That's the opposite of
3:31
emotionally intelligent. Emotionally intelligent, is
3:34
somebody just Generally who is empathic toward others feelings
3:38
as well. So the only way to do this is
3:41
really to talk about the only person you know, which is you
3:45
you only really know your own feelings.
3:48
Certainly you can help. And I write about this in my
3:51
post you can when you're reading a story or if you have a pet or
3:55
something or a baby, you know, is in the house or you have a
3:59
younger sibling, you can ask go, gee!
4:01
I wonder what they are feeling. This is what I think they're
4:04
feeling. What do?
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I think they're feeling but really the only person whose
4:09
feelings you really know are yours.
4:11
So you can start there for how to teach your child about
4:15
emotions. So you could say, you know, I am
4:20
feeling so frustrated that I forgot to fill up the car with
4:23
gas. And now I'm really irritated at
4:26
myself that I'm going to have to do it.
4:28
You know, I really really teaches me to just jot those
4:31
things down maybe and then I wouldn't be in this predicament
4:34
where we're going to Be late. You know, it's not a big deal,
4:38
you're not crying, you're not screaming, you're banging your
4:40
head into the steering wheel about it.
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You are narrating emotion. And I'll also link you to my
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article about how mothers are really the main person who can
4:52
teach boys about women and their feelings.
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So, if you want your son to be an empathic husband, one day,
4:58
how the hell is he going to know?
4:59
What his wife is feeling? If he never knew what his
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mother's feeling, I see this all the time and couples.
5:05
The guy had a mom who like many women.
5:08
She just loved her son, your little baby boy and she just
5:13
didn't want to burden him with any of her feelings, really.
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So she kind of kept them to herself figured he wouldn't be
5:19
interested. And now he literally has no idea
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what a woman may be feeling at any moment.
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So if you are the mother of a son, this is a great thing to do
5:29
is to share your emotions, you know?
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And not just the bad ones, like, you know, irritation or What
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have you but happy? Oh, it made me so happy when
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Daddy sent me those flowers, that was such a nice thing for
5:42
him to do. I really like getting a present
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or I felt so proud of myself at work today.
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A client told me that I did a really good job.
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I felt so good about myself. If you just start saying things
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about your own feelings, this is like giving a course to your
6:00
child in a motions and it has a benefit Double benefit of
6:07
helping you be more cognizant of your emotions.
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If you're not somebody who instinctively does this, which
6:12
makes everything go better. Because, believe me, if you are
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a woman, your husband really also wants the stream of
6:19
Consciousness so that he could know what the hell is going on
6:21
in your head and what he's walking into when he comes home
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or when he sees you. You know why?
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You look how you look? So direct communication is a
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major thing that I teach in couples counseling, a lot of
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women. Feel that their husband ought to
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somehow pick up on their mood. Like, he's in a seance.
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He should just like kind of sniff the air and feel the
6:43
spirit. This is not useful, this is not
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real. You need to get into the the the
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mode of constantly kind of scanning yourself for what
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you're feeling and then if it's relevant to how you're acting
7:00
telling people about it, you know, everything from I'm
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getting my period tomorrow. So I'm probably not going to be
7:06
in a good mood. I don't, I'm not in a good mood
7:08
the day before my period. You know, your kids should know
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that. Aren't your kids going to either
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get a period or interact with someone who has a period, like
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sure? You know, I mean, probably.
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So why would they not know that Intel?
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That doesn't mean that every single woman responds that way?
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Although everyone, I've met usually does, but it means that
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this is something o. A data point when women are
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about to get their period, they get irritable.
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Here is a point of knowledge. What about in the realm of the
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marriage? Oh, when Dad is late coming
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home, you know, it's hard for me, you know, that's why I tell
7:44
them to call. So he's calling now to tell me
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that he's going to be late. You know, we didn't used to do
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that when we were first, married didn't used to call me and I
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told him, why don't you call me? So, I know when to take out
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dinner, now, he does. So it makes me feel good that
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that he calls. Now, you know how much
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information is in that, that would be useful to your child's
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future therapist. I mean like even one, you know,
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how many people tell me I'm like, what your parents think
8:11
about each other, though. You heard them fighting?
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What did they fight about? They're like, I don't know.
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I don't know. I just heard raised voices.
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I don't know anything that happened.
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Meanwhile like any piece of data like that.
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Think about that. So you're teaching, like, let's
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say a ten-year-old. You're saying, I have a
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relationship that does not involve you which is usually
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just in today's day and age that in and of itself is
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mind-blowing, you know, the dad and I didn't Purely get together
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to make you and raise you the center of the universe.
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So we had a relationship. And in that relationship, he did
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something that bothered me. So I directly stated to him that
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this thing bother me and then he changed because he loves me.
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And now he does this thing, calling me when he's going to be
8:52
late that really makes me feel better, you know?
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Because it's hard for me when I take out the dinner and then it
8:57
just sits there forever because he doesn't come home.
9:00
He's there's so much information in that a child just hearing
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something like that. A little blip of how you
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resolved a problem in your relationship, probably meet,
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some like 2% more emotionally intelligent, you know, that day
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out of that one thing, so many kids are just don't ever hear
9:18
anything. That is like what a parent would
9:20
ever tell a friend. So boundaries are well and good.
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You're not supposed to tell them.
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Yeah, you know, dad used to go down on me and this way that I
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didn't really like and then he finally got it together.
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Obviously not like that's not it's not good boundaries but you
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know how many parents Let's swing to the opposite extreme,
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especially if they themselves had parents who were too free
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and loose with boundaries and they got exposed to too many
9:44
adult topics, then with their own kids, you would, you
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wouldn't even know that they're not.
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Like, I don't even know what the Chuck-E-Cheese mascot for all
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that. They have an adult in her world,
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they're just there to facilitate the enjoyment of the child and
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the child doesn't even know barely anything that goes on.
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In the parents head that does not relate to the Chow.
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And this is not the way to raise an emotionally intelligent
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child. This child has no empathy at all
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for what's going on with the parent and therefore is going to
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likely have limited empathy for what goes on with anybody, that
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isn't that. So the way that you would know
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that you're raising an emotionally intelligent
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emotionally aware child, is that they express curiosity and
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interest and empathy in other people and that they're able to
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verbalize their own emotions but that And the other one is first
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because so many kids today, have been trained to say there are
10:41
three years old about I'm frustrated, right?
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And that's cute and all, you know, and it stops being cute
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when they're like Ted and all they can say is I'm frustrated.
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I'm angry, I'm upset and it's always the negative ones, like
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you don't have a ten-year-old. Usually I'm so happy at like,
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you know, 80% of the time and 20%, it's on frustrated.
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So is the inverse. It's always like 80% of the time
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I'm They're always frustrated because you to do something for
11:07
them on top. You don't want to raise this
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kind of child and then put your head in the sand about.
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Oh, like it. Whether they're going to be an
11:15
asshole when they're married, they are like, spoiler alert.
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If they're an asshole with you, they're going to keep being an
11:21
asshole unless they are diverted, you know, off the
11:24
asshole, Track by you training them to be more empathic and
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take others feelings into account, which is just done by
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again. Discussing your own feelings as
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though. You're an important human being
11:37
and that they ought to know about you.
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And that it's there, a family member and should know about
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other people's feelings within the family, not just their own.
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So you'll know that you're raising emotionally aware,
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empathic emotionally intelligent child, when they ask, how was
11:55
your day or they say, oh, you know, you look at why you upset
12:00
or they say, oh, what happened, you know, with your new,
12:04
whatever, whatever. Mommy, that you were talking
12:06
about what happened with your new client or what happened.
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When you went to the store to get the thing that you need, it?
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Whatever it is. They will Express curiosity and
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interest in you because you are modeling that this is important
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to do. This doesn't happen by Magic.
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When your kid is 4 years, old, you say, how was your day,
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sweetheart? They say blood.
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Good. The other thing, you know,
12:30
whatever, they don't usually say anything in response to that of
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much consequence. And then You would say.
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And now asked me, how was your day?
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Mommy and they say, how was your day?
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Mommy? And then actually say something,
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you know, like say something that you would say to another
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human, it was mostly good. You know I didn't get to find
12:49
the right thing at the grocery store so I'm going to have to go
12:51
out later. That was a little annoying but I
12:54
did find this new cool thing that I had been wanting to try.
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Look it's a starfruit whatever, you know like whatever the hell
13:02
is developmentally appropriate to talk about Was resident in
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your day. You know, that indicates that
13:08
you have a life outside of this child and that you have feelings
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and that your feelings are interesting to others.
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Remember you want to be leading with that confident momentum?
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You know, in every regard, including talking about your own
13:22
feelings. If you don't act like your
13:24
feelings matter, you're going to raise a kid that doesn't think
13:27
other people's feelings matter and they're going to turn into
13:30
an adult. That doesn't think that their
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spouses feelings matter or their co-workers, or their friends.
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So It starts at home and a lot of women try to get out of you
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know the hard part of this you know understandably but I think
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well I think that my husband should also be modeling this.
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Listen would you know the work on you like if you start
13:49
modeling it then they're going to start modeling it.
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If you're the man listening to my podcast about this, you start
13:55
modeling it, you don't have to wait for their mother to start
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doing it. Men say that a lot less than
14:00
women because women say, well, you know, I'm the one who's
14:03
doing like all the stuff with the kid and I'm worrying.
14:05
Doing this and that and the other.
14:07
So then they were ready. Bitter about that.
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They think they're doing too much stuff.
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So then they turn around and they say why should I be the one
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to teach you is the kid about emotion because you're the one
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interested in the podcast, you know?
14:18
I mean why should you be the one to do anything?
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So then if we what's the better case scenario, you don't do it
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and your partner doesn't do it. Who loses you lose?
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Your child loses everybody loses.
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So if you are the parent who's interested enough in Psychology
14:33
frequently with my parenting Pike, Yes, it's women but
14:36
there's a lot of valiant dad's out there trying to learn
14:39
whoever is listening to this, start talking about your own
14:43
feelings. Don't turn around and say, oh,
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we can only start when both of us start doing it at once.
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We're going to say 1, 2 3, in both my spouse and I are going
14:51
to shoot out and emotion out of our mouths.
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No, this is not a way to live or to model normal healthy
14:59
relationship. That is a competitive resentment
15:03
ridden marriage that You want. So if you are the one listening
15:07
to this, then you take it upon you to do the thing that you
15:12
want to do which is enhancing your child's, emotional
15:15
maturity, and ability to empathize by modeling your own
15:20
emotions, no matter what the hell your spouse is doing now.
15:24
Also, you should recognize that if you start doing this and
15:28
you've never done it before, your kids going to look at you.
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Like, you have, 2, 3, 5, heads doesn't matter.
15:34
So they'll say Say why are you saying how you feeling mama me
15:37
all the time? You said I'm trying something
15:39
new. You know I'd like to teach you
15:42
about what I'm feeling. I am an important person you
15:44
know I'm your mommy so you ought to know what I'm feeling.
15:47
You think they're going to keep going with you after that?
15:49
No they're just going to look at you again and then they're going
15:51
to look back and whatever they're doing but the next time
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they probably won't say anything.
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This will now become a new norm and you will be helping them
16:00
understand people because you are a person.
16:03
And if you struggle with thinking, You know, what to say,
16:06
how to say it, which of your emotions are important enough to
16:10
impart, then it is likely that there is some family of origin
16:14
stuff going on in, which in your upbringing, a emotions were
16:18
never discussed. So you have no natural facility
16:20
with it. Which, of course practice makes
16:22
perfect and you don't even need to be perfect.
16:24
You just actually need to talk and be therapy.
16:27
Can help you recognize that you're a person with enough
16:31
worth and consequence and value to be able to share.
16:35
Our emotions and to think that everyone in your house, really
16:38
ought to care because don't you think that everybody in the
16:41
world should stop for your child?
16:43
Smallest emotion, probably you do.
16:45
So then, why not your emotions either?
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All emotions matter or no emotions matter.
16:52
Now we know that no emotions matter isn't the way that we
16:55
want to go, that does not make an emotionally aware child.
16:58
That makes a pretty repressed child in a repressed, ho, but if
17:02
only the child's emotions matter and What everybody is feeding
17:06
into all the time? Then that is a self-absorbed
17:09
child. So if you're going to talk about
17:12
feelings in your family and you want to raise it, emotionally
17:14
aware child. You got to talk about,
17:15
everybody's feelings, everybody who wants to talk about their
17:18
feelings, should be talking about their feelings.
17:21
So then there is not only are time for your child to
17:26
perseverate and obsess on his feelings and you obsess on its
17:30
feeling. You are also a person and your
17:32
spouse is a person and the siblings Our people and the
17:36
animals that you have or people in their way, everybody can have
17:40
a feeling and the feelings are discussed.
17:42
And if two people feel different sorts of ways, about something
17:46
that is also something very interesting to discuss.
17:49
And that shows, oh my god, look to people to think something
17:53
different about the exact same topic and that's so interesting.
17:56
People are so different. You know, another thing.
18:00
Add like by Elementary School, is that kids.
18:02
You could take little personality test with Online, I
18:05
did that with my kids was fun. The, I could try to link you to
18:10
the one that I did. If I remember it and you can
18:13
know what a highly sensitive person is and take that quiz.
18:16
And if it's relevant for your kids, my kids, no two of them
18:19
are highly sensitive people. The other one is too, but not to
18:22
the extent. So this is also information so
18:25
you can teach your kid to be interested in themselves and
18:29
everybody else in the family, which eventually will even
18:33
broadened beyond that. That into being interested in
18:37
everybody. And everybody's feelings and
18:39
understanding that everybody has feelings.
18:42
And those are important, and we're curious, and, and tolerant
18:45
and interested in those. And that is how you make an
18:48
emotionally aware child. And if a child is already asking
18:51
these sorts of questions, likely, they are both sensitive
18:54
child and also a more emotionally aware child.
18:57
These two things do often Concord because highly sensitive
19:01
people are super observant about everything.
19:03
So they see a lot of You know what people's, what people are
19:06
feeling. But this can also, you can have
19:10
highly sensitive kids where nobody talks about feelings in
19:12
the family of origin, then they have no idea how to verbalize
19:16
them. So, you know that it's not help
19:18
being a highly sensitive person. You still need information about
19:22
feelings to learn so that you can actually communicate
19:25
effectively about them. Even if you're picking up on
19:28
something, you may not have the words to do it if you're not
19:30
really trained that way at home. So hopefully this gave you some
19:34
interesting. Getting information about
19:36
emotional awareness and emotional maturity, and how to
19:42
promote an atmosphere in your family that everybody's feelings
19:46
are important. Starting with you, whichever
19:49
parent is listening to this episode and you can really
19:54
promote this this environment where people are benevolently
19:59
curious about one another's, internal world, and that can
20:03
carry forward into the rest. Of your child interpersonal,
20:06
relationships. Can make them more successful
20:08
interpersonally in every regard. All right, guys, I hope that you
20:12
enjoyed this and learn from it and have a great day.