Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 285. No friends, no time, no space to feel it: Is this what surviving looks like?

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285. No friends, no time, no space to feel it: Is this what surviving looks like? · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:07
  Speaker 1: I need your advice. Are you okay? What happened? Promise
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: it won't be too much? Bring it in. Welcome to
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: our Bestie segment. This is the place for you. Good morning,
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: good afternoon, good evening, wherever you're listening to this. Welcome
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: back to another episode of She Rises. This is our
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: Bestie submission where we upload twice a week. your anonymous
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: submissions of the sticky situations you may be in, and
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: you need outside advice from your fellow online besties, Tiana
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: and Ashi. So let's go straight into it. What have
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: we got today? Absolutely.
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: So this episode name is No Friends, No Time, No
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: Space to Feel It. Is this what surviving looks like?
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: Hey, ladies.
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: Firstly, I love the podcast and everything you both bring
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: to the universe for women. I apologize, but this one
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: is a long one. I'm a mom of two, and
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: I was married to an abusive, narcissistic, alcoholic, and drug abuser.
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: I was subjected to all forms of abuse and when
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: I finally fled with my two children, I dealt with
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: him harassing me and stalking me for months. My eldest
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: was diagnosed with a rare genetic disease at seven weeks
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: old when she started having seizures in my arms and
• 1:15
  Speaker 2: since then she has been in and out of hospital.
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: She is non-verbal, peg-fed, globally delayed and recently diagnosed with
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: level 3 autism.
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: Her sperm donor... He's lost the rights to be called
• 1:27
  Speaker 2: a father. Blamed me for the way that she is
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: and used to physically abuse me. When she was six
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: months old, I found out I was pregnant with my
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: second and my ex-mother-in-law was trying to convince me to
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: abort my pregnancy because my baby was a retard in
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: her words, not mine. Fast forward to my second child
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: being born. She was extremely colically unsettled. So my postpartum
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: journey was horrible. I was being abused daily and I
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: had a C-section both times. Fast forward to now, we
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: have been free from his abuse for over three years
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: and I am now engaged to my soulmate and best friend.
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: Oh, I love this for you.
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: My kids call him dad and thankfully don't remember the
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: person who helped create them. My partner's daughter, 13, has
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: been having health issues for the last few months and
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: we have just found out that she has bone cancer.
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: I feel so stretched in every which way and so helpless.
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: It breaks my heart watching the love of my life
• 2:18
  Speaker 2: watch his baby go through something so horrific. while also
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: being a full-time carer to my medically complex child and
• 2:24
  Speaker 2: giving attention to my other daughter. So my question is,
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: do either of you have any advice on what I
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: can say or do to help my partner? How can
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: I not feel so alone? I don't have any friends.
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: I only interact with my kids' school teachers, daily therapists,
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: and medical teams. My family are around, but a lot
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: of the times they don't know what to say or
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: do to help. So sorry for my novel. Big love
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: to you both.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: Oh, I'm so sorry. You're really holding a lot.
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: God, it makes me emotional.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's a lot. Parenting in general is a lot
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: to let alone be dealing with cancer. Yeah. And your
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: baby girl that's really high needs. Goodness. Oh, it's so sad.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: I mean, firstly, I just want to acknowledge and say
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: that I see you and what you're holding and you're
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: doing a fucking amazing job to go through what you've
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: been through and to come out and to find your
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: soulmate and to support your daughters and now your stepdaughter. Yeah.
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: you're incredible. Like super. Let's just take a moment to
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: acknowledge you. Like we see you and if I could
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: see you, I'd give you the biggest fucking hug right now. Yeah.
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: And to like come back from what you experienced with
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: your ex-partner and being abused every single day. Like no
• 3:29
  Speaker 2: one really talks about the impact of what those things
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: do and you probably carry it really well. And it
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: doesn't mean that you should just because you do. It
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: doesn't show the impact of the weight of the world
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: of what happened to you back then and everything that
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: you have to carry now. And I feel like I
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: went on a fucking huge emotional rollercoaster just reading your
• 3:47
  Speaker 2: submission of the lows and then the highs and then
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: the lows again. And just like how much you're wanting
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: to just like be able to thrive in this season
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: of your life or even just like get out of
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: survival because everything is probably feeling so unbelievably heavy. And
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: I don't have experience in the way that you do
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  Speaker 2: of like having a stepdaughter have cancer or to have
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  Speaker 2: a daughter or a child to have, you know, extra
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  Speaker 2: needs and things like that. But I think the biggest
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  Speaker 2: thing is the way that you can help your partner
• 4:15
  Speaker 2: is to help yourself first.
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  Speaker 1: Put your mask on first so you can help others.
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  Speaker 1: That's right.
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  Speaker 2: And the reason why I say that is because your
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: ship only runs as well as you do. And if
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: you are struggling and you are barely keeping your head
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: above water, it's going to be so much harder for
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  Speaker 2: you to help everyone else around you. And I think
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: the more that you pour into yourself, and I know
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  Speaker 2: you probably don't have a lot of time to yourself
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  Speaker 2: right now, but those little micro moments that you can
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: find throughout the day to just stop yourself and breathe
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: or like put a piano song on or something that
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: goes for three minutes that just is for you. Take
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: a couple of deep breaths, go hide in the bathroom
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  Speaker 2: and close the door and like ground yourself and give
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: something to yourself. Because the more that you can do that,
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  Speaker 2: I really do believe it will give you that strength
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  Speaker 2: to support your partner through this. And I don't believe
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  Speaker 2: that there's anything that you need to say in order
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  Speaker 2: to help him. There's nothing that you can say. Words
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: often don't mean anything, but like it's the unspoken actions.
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: It's the silently sitting there in the silence when he's
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: going through it and you're just like, I'm here. Like
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  Speaker 2: I'm here knowing that you're there for him through what
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: he's going through and what he's experiencing and, you know,
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: doing those little things where it's like, you know, taking
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: some weight off his plate if it's like making sure
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: that he's fed and doing those little things that he
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: loves and that he knows that he's loved and held
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: and supported. I think that would be my advice. But again,
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: please take that with a grain of salt. This is
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: my first response to be able to give you that support.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: No, that's really beautiful. I think you probably are showing
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: up in a beautiful way for him. And just, I think,
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: reassurance that you're not going anywhere, that you're in this together,
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: that you've got this. I think sometimes we get bogged
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: down with what's happening in our lives. It's nice to
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: hear that. Yeah. It's nice to be reminded that you
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: can crumble. I'm here. I've got you. We're in this together.
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: And you'll have hard days. He'll have hard days. You'll
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: have days where you feel more stronger and you like
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: level out and help each other out. I think just
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: lots of words of reassurance. And at the moment you're
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: doing the best you can with what you have. And
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: even with your family, they might not know what to say.
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  Speaker 1: Just like, I'm sure you don't know what to say
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  Speaker 1: sometimes to your partner, but maybe this is where you
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  Speaker 1: get to be really clear and ask for exactly is
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  Speaker 1: what you need. Hey, I've got a really full on
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: week with appointments with Let's just say your daughter's name
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: is Daisy. With Daisy this week, are you guys out
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: to prep all of our dinners? Can everyone just cook
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: a meal and drop it off just so when we
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: get home, we can pop that in the air fryer
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  Speaker 1: and it's done. It's like postpartum, you know. They do
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: the meal trains.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Get all the girls on the meal train and we
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: all cook dinners and help out. Then they feel needed. Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: They feel like they're contributing because if they don't know
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  Speaker 1: what to do or how to help, they would feel
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  Speaker 1: useless too and then they'd feel guilty and ashamed that
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  Speaker 1: they're not contributing. Actually give them direction. Hey, no pressure,
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  Speaker 1: but if anyone's able to cook some dinners this week,
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: that would be amazing. Mm-hmm. Hey, I didn't get around
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  Speaker 1: to pick up my click and collect. Is anyone able
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: to drop around to Woolies and grab that for me?
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  Speaker 1: Love that. Hey, is someone able to take, you know,
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  Speaker 1: the youngest daughter out to the movie date so I
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: can go to this appointment and she can go have
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: some fun? Actually start requesting exactly what it is you
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  Speaker 1: need because I know I like that directness. My friends
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: ever need help with their kids, I want to know
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: exactly how I can help. Otherwise, I'm like, oh, do
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  Speaker 1: you want me to come help? And then the mum's like, oh,
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: don't worry about it, I'll just do it. Whereas if
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: it's like, if the mum says, I need you to
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  Speaker 1: pick up this person, take them here or can you
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  Speaker 1: grab this for me? It's like, cool, that I can do.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: You know, so I think you get to use your
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: voice here. I think that's really beautiful.
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  Speaker 2: Just asking for support, leaning on your village as well.
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  Speaker 2: Maybe even if you need to go for like a
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: mental health walk, you sit by the beach, you need
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  Speaker 2: to cry.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: Like give yourself permission to just like ask and lean
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: on the people that you need and the people that
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: are around you who are there to support you.
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  Speaker 1: I wonder if there's support groups too. I don't know.
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  Speaker 1: When I go through really hard times, It helps me
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  Speaker 1: when other people understand what I'm going through. It takes
• 7:37
  Speaker 1: the load off. Yeah. And the fact because when you
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: read it out, she said, I don't have any friends.
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: So to me, that's like, okay, we need to find
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: some people that understand what you're going through. And I
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: think your support group will be in a community with
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: other mums. You definitely wouldn't be the only person that
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: has high needs children. Yes. Let's find you a support group.
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: I don't know where you live or anything. Otherwise, I
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: would offer to jump in and help. But jump on Facebook,
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: like Google, like put a thing out on socials, like
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: any other mums experiencing this. And find some people that
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: you can connect with and go through the fucking hard
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: period of what you're going through. And same with your partner.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: There's so many children that are going through cancer journeys,
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: which is fucking heartbreaking. But it might be nice for
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: him to have another dad that gets what he's going through.
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: And he's got an outside support to share the load
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: as well. Because what do you always say? Like a
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: shared load, like halves the load or something?
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: When you share the emotional load with somebody, it like
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: halves the emotional load.
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: It does. And it's scientifically proven. I don't know how,
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: but they're saying... Women's nervous system like regulates the moment
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: they vent to another female. It's like this connection of sisterhood,
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: of feminine energy. It instantly feels like you can take
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: a breath just getting that off your chest. So that's
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: what I would be doing if I was in your shoes.
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah. We are meant to have community. Absolutely. We're meant
• 8:47
  Speaker 2: to literally exist in a tribe and it is so
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: much better, supportive. Not as isolating, not as lonely, not
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: as hard when you can be around the right people.
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: And if that's not your family right now, like Ashley said,
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: go find it outside of yourself. If you've got a
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: couple of friends that you can lean on or like
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: not friends but like even acquaintances or anyone who's in
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: your outer circles or family or cousins or anything like that,
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: ask for support.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: Or find your people in Facebook forums, like support forums.
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: Definitely. And remember our partners can't be everything to us
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: all the time.
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: I think it's a lot of pressure for both of
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: you to be trying to do everything for each other. Yeah.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: And give tasks to your family members they can do,
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: like cook, like clean, like bring the washing in, like
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: pick up your youngest daughter while you go to the
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: hospital with the older one. Yeah. Like start giving them
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: roles where they feel like they can help and you're actually, yeah,
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: you're asking them to step in and contribute. Yeah. Because
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: I almost guarantee there's going to be at least someone
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: that would want that role to help and feel like
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: they're making a difference for you.
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: For you and for the kids. Yeah.
• 9:43
  Speaker 2: It's going to give you some capacity back.
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: Definitely, even a little bit, hey.
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: And that little bit of capacity might give you the
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: support to know how to support your partner and yourself
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: more and what to do next.
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: Sometimes that's all you need, a second to yourself.
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: If that's the only thing that you get from all
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: of this, amazing. You deserve it. You definitely do. We're
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: sending you so much love. with love and update i
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: really hope that you reach out and try and find
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: yourself some more support yeah
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah sending you love chat to you soon bye