Latest / Adult Child of Dysfunction / E 335: You Have Permission to Save Your Life, Guest: Sarah Hanson

Transcript

E 335: You Have Permission to Save Your Life, Guest: Sarah Hanson · Adult Child of Dysfunction

• 0:02
  Well,
• 0:02
  hello
• 0:02
  everybody
• 0:03
  and
• 0:03
  welcome
• 0:03
  back
• 0:04
  to
• 0:04
  another
• 0:04
  episode
• 0:04
  of
• 0:04
  Adult
• 0:05
  Child
• 0:05
  of
• 0:05
  Dysfunction.
• 0:06
  Today
• 0:06
  we
• 0:07
  have
• 0:07
  with
• 0:07
  us
• 0:07
  Sarah
• 0:08
  Hansen.
• 0:08
  She
• 0:08
  is
• 0:08
  a
• 0:08
  poet
• 0:09
  and
• 0:09
  memoirist
• 0:10
  writing
• 0:10
  about
• 0:10
  trauma
• 0:11
  embodiment,
• 0:12
  and
• 0:12
  the
• 0:12
  lifelong
• 0:13
  act
• 0:13
  of
• 0:13
  returning
• 0:14
  to
• 0:14
  oneself.
• 0:15
  Her
• 0:15
  work
• 0:15
  has
• 0:15
  been
• 0:16
  featured
• 0:16
  in
• 0:16
  HuffPost
• 0:17
  the
• 0:17
  Literary
• 0:18
  Times
• 0:18
  and
• 0:19
  the
• 0:19
  Ceramic
• 0:19
  Review.
• 0:20
  The
• 0:20
  Minnesota
• 0:21
  Native
• 0:21
  lives
• 0:22
  in
• 0:22
  Minneapolis
• 0:23
  with
• 0:23
  her
• 0:23
  husband
• 0:23
  and
• 0:24
  three
• 0:24
  cats.
• 0:25
  You
• 0:25
  can
• 0:25
  find
• 0:25
  her@sarahhansonwrites.com,
• 0:28
  which
• 0:28
  I
• 0:28
  will
• 0:28
  put
• 0:28
  in
• 0:28
  the
• 0:28
  show
• 0:29
  notes
• 0:29
  so
• 0:29
  you
• 0:29
  don't
• 0:29
  have
• 0:29
  to
• 0:29
  stop
• 0:30
  driving
• 0:30
  and
• 0:30
  write.
• 0:31
  So
• 0:32
  welcome
• 0:33
  Sarah.
• 0:33
  Hi
• 0:34
  Tammy.
• 0:34
  Thank
• 0:34
  you
• 0:34
  so
• 0:35
  much
• 0:35
  for
• 0:35
  having
• 0:36
  me.
• 0:36
  Oh
• 0:37
  yeah.
• 0:37
  It's
• 0:37
  always
• 0:37
  good
• 0:38
  to
• 0:38
  have
• 0:38
  these
• 0:38
  conversations
• 0:39
  because
• 0:39
  I,
• 0:39
  I
• 0:40
  read
• 0:40
  the
• 0:40
  bios
• 0:41
  and
• 0:41
  then
• 0:41
  I
• 0:41
  read
• 0:41
  about
• 0:42
  like
• 0:42
  some
• 0:42
  of
• 0:42
  the
• 0:42
  deeper
• 0:42
  stuff
• 0:43
  that's
• 0:43
  kind
• 0:43
  of,
• 0:43
  you
• 0:44
  write
• 0:44
  personally
• 0:44
  and
• 0:44
  I'm
• 0:45
  always
• 0:45
  like,
• 0:45
  oh,
• 0:46
  I
• 0:46
  feel
• 0:46
  like
• 0:46
  we
• 0:46
  live
• 0:46
  these
• 0:46
  parallel
• 0:47
  lives.
• 0:48
  And,
• 0:48
  it
• 0:48
  just,
• 0:49
  goes
• 0:49
  to
• 0:49
  show
• 0:49
  there's
• 0:50
  so
• 0:50
  many
• 0:50
  millions
• 0:51
  of
• 0:51
  people
• 0:51
  out
• 0:51
  there
• 0:52
  that
• 0:52
  lived.
• 0:53
  Dysfunction.
• 0:54
  Literally.
• 0:55
  So
• 0:55
  true.
• 0:56
  And,
• 0:56
  so
• 0:56
  many
• 0:57
  of
• 0:57
  us
• 0:57
  reach
• 0:58
  adulthood
• 0:59
  and
• 0:59
  realize,
• 1:00
  sort
• 1:00
  of
• 1:00
  slowly
• 1:01
  and
• 1:01
  then
• 1:01
  all
• 1:02
  at
• 1:02
  once
• 1:02
  as
• 1:02
  we
• 1:03
  start
• 1:03
  to
• 1:03
  contextualize.
• 1:05
  Behaviors
• 1:05
  that
• 1:06
  we
• 1:06
  have
• 1:06
  now
• 1:06
  and
• 1:07
  trace
• 1:07
  them
• 1:07
  back
• 1:07
  to
• 1:08
  our
• 1:08
  childhoods
• 1:09
  and
• 1:09
  be
• 1:09
  like,
• 1:09
  oh,
• 1:10
  that
• 1:10
  was
• 1:10
  not
• 1:10
  at
• 1:11
  all
• 1:12
  super
• 1:12
  functional.
• 1:13
  Like,
• 1:14
  oops.
• 1:14
  Right.
• 1:14
  Yeah.
• 1:15
  But
• 1:15
  I
• 1:15
  mean,
• 1:15
  at
• 1:15
  the
• 1:15
  same
• 1:16
  time
• 1:16
  we
• 1:16
  also
• 1:16
  try,
• 1:17
  and
• 1:17
  I'm
• 1:17
  sure
• 1:17
  you'd
• 1:17
  realize
• 1:18
  I
• 1:18
  can't
• 1:19
  beat
• 1:19
  myself
• 1:19
  up
• 1:19
  about
• 1:20
  that
• 1:20
  stuff.
• 1:20
  I
• 1:20
  had
• 1:20
  no
• 1:21
  idea.
• 1:22
  I
• 1:23
  was
• 1:23
  literally,
• 1:23
  I
• 1:23
  say
• 1:24
  to
• 1:24
  people,
• 1:24
  you
• 1:24
  were
• 1:25
  living
• 1:25
  your
• 1:25
  norm.
• 1:26
  Exactly.
• 1:27
  You
• 1:27
  didn't
• 1:27
  know
• 1:28
  people.
• 1:29
  I
• 1:29
  remember
• 1:29
  when
• 1:29
  I
• 1:29
  went
• 1:29
  through
• 1:29
  a
• 1:30
  12
• 1:30
  step
• 1:30
  program
• 1:30
  one
• 1:31
  time
• 1:31
  and
• 1:31
  they
• 1:31
  were
• 1:31
  like,
• 1:31
  are
• 1:31
  you
• 1:32
  gonna
• 1:32
  make
• 1:32
  amends
• 1:32
  to
• 1:33
  all
• 1:33
  the
• 1:33
  people
• 1:33
  you
• 1:33
  did
• 1:33
  wrong?
• 1:34
  And
• 1:34
  I'm
• 1:34
  like,
• 1:34
  yeah.
• 1:34
  And
• 1:35
  they
• 1:35
  were
• 1:35
  like,
• 1:36
  and
• 1:36
  then
• 1:36
  I
• 1:36
  would
• 1:36
  say
• 1:36
  something
• 1:37
  like,
• 1:37
  oh
• 1:37
  yeah,
• 1:37
  when
• 1:38
  I
• 1:38
  was
• 1:38
  running
• 1:38
  to
• 1:39
  the
• 1:39
  grocery
• 1:39
  store
• 1:39
  to
• 1:39
  steal
• 1:40
  food
• 1:40
  on
• 1:40
  my
• 1:40
  lunch
• 1:41
  break
• 1:41
  because
• 1:41
  my
• 1:41
  mom
• 1:41
  didn't
• 1:42
  feed
• 1:42
  me.
• 1:42
  And
• 1:42
  they're
• 1:42
  like,
• 1:43
  well,
• 1:43
  did
• 1:43
  you
• 1:43
  call
• 1:43
  that
• 1:44
  store?
• 1:44
  I'm
• 1:44
  like,
• 1:45
  okay.
• 1:45
  That
• 1:45
  was
• 1:45
  survival
• 1:46
  mode.
• 1:46
  Like
• 1:47
  those
• 1:47
  little
• 1:48
  things.
• 1:50
  We're
• 1:50
  just
• 1:50
  part
• 1:50
  of
• 1:50
  the
• 1:50
  big
• 1:51
  picture.
• 1:51
  That
• 1:51
  was
• 1:51
  just
• 1:52
  a
• 1:52
  thing.
• 1:53
  So
• 1:53
  yes,
• 1:53
  if
• 1:53
  you're
• 1:53
  out
• 1:53
  there
• 1:53
  and
• 1:54
  you
• 1:54
  were
• 1:54
  a
• 1:54
  general
• 1:54
  manager
• 1:54
  and
• 1:55
  I
• 1:55
  stole
• 1:55
  from
• 1:55
  your
• 1:55
  store
• 1:55
  in
• 1:56
  Worcester,
• 1:56
  Massachusetts,
• 1:57
  I'm
• 1:57
  truly
• 1:58
  sorry,
• 1:58
  but
• 2:00
  I'm
• 2:00
  sure
• 2:00
  that
• 2:00
  they
• 2:01
  have
• 2:01
  long
• 2:01
  since
• 2:02
  pardoned
• 2:02
  the,
• 2:03
  small,
• 2:04
  child
• 2:04
  crime.
• 2:05
  Yeah.
• 2:06
  And
• 2:06
  as
• 2:06
  a
• 2:06
  matter
• 2:06
  of
• 2:06
  fact,
• 2:07
  I
• 2:07
  always
• 2:07
  think
• 2:07
  about
• 2:07
  that
• 2:08
  to
• 2:08
  this
• 2:08
  day
• 2:08
  as
• 2:08
  I'm
• 2:09
  pretty
• 2:09
  sure
• 2:09
  they
• 2:09
  knew
• 2:09
  I
• 2:09
  was
• 2:10
  doing
• 2:10
  it
• 2:10
  and
• 2:11
  never
• 2:11
  said
• 2:11
  anything.
• 2:12
  Because
• 2:12
  how
• 2:12
  do
• 2:12
  you
• 2:13
  go
• 2:13
  in,
• 2:13
  do
• 2:13
  the
• 2:13
  aisles,
• 2:14
  grab
• 2:14
  grapes,
• 2:15
  grab
• 2:15
  cookies,
• 2:15
  stuff
• 2:16
  your
• 2:16
  pockets
• 2:16
  and
• 2:16
  leave
• 2:17
  five
• 2:17
  days
• 2:17
  a
• 2:17
  week
• 2:18
  and
• 2:18
  nobody
• 2:18
  see
• 2:18
  you?
• 2:19
  Yeah.
• 2:20
  But
• 2:20
  that's
• 2:21
  so
• 2:21
  true
• 2:21
  that
• 2:21
  there
• 2:22
  are
• 2:23
  adults,
• 2:23
  that,
• 2:24
  don't
• 2:24
  know
• 2:24
  how
• 2:24
  to
• 2:25
  help,
• 2:25
  but,
• 2:25
  kind
• 2:25
  of
• 2:25
  have
• 2:26
  these
• 2:26
  small
• 2:27
  ways
• 2:27
  of
• 2:27
  helping
• 2:28
  children.
• 2:29
  when
• 2:29
  they
• 2:29
  recognize
• 2:30
  what's
• 2:30
  kind
• 2:30
  of
• 2:30
  maybe
• 2:31
  going
• 2:31
  on
• 2:31
  for
• 2:31
  a
• 2:32
  child
• 2:32
  like,
• 2:32
  and
• 2:33
  bless
• 2:33
  those
• 2:34
  people.
• 2:35
  Yes.
• 2:35
  And
• 2:35
  I
• 2:35
  always
• 2:36
  say
• 2:36
  that,
• 2:36
  especially
• 2:37
  around
• 2:37
  the
• 2:37
  holidays,
• 2:38
  because
• 2:38
  while,
• 2:38
  4th
• 2:39
  of
• 2:39
  July
• 2:39
  and,
• 2:40
  New
• 2:40
  Year's
• 2:41
  Eve
• 2:41
  and
• 2:41
  all
• 2:41
  these
• 2:42
  holidays
• 2:42
  that
• 2:42
  everybody
• 2:43
  is
• 2:43
  so
• 2:44
  having
• 2:44
  so
• 2:44
  much
• 2:45
  fun.
• 2:45
  I
• 2:46
  don't
• 2:46
  know
• 2:46
  about
• 2:46
  you
• 2:46
  and
• 2:46
  maybe
• 2:47
  we
• 2:47
  can
• 2:47
  even
• 2:47
  talk
• 2:47
  about
• 2:48
  that,
• 2:48
  but
• 2:48
  holidays
• 2:49
  were
• 2:49
  traumatic
• 2:49
  for
• 2:50
  me,
• 2:50
  like,
• 2:51
  because
• 2:51
  it
• 2:51
  always
• 2:51
  ended
• 2:52
  badly.
• 2:53
  Mm-hmm
• 2:53
  It
• 2:53
  always
• 2:54
  started
• 2:54
  really
• 2:54
  nice,
• 2:55
  a
• 2:55
  family
• 2:55
  picnic
• 2:56
  or
• 2:56
  going
• 2:57
  to
• 2:57
  a
• 2:57
  friend's
• 2:57
  house
• 2:57
  and
• 2:57
  then
• 2:58
  it
• 2:58
  always
• 2:58
  ended
• 2:58
  up
• 2:59
  really
• 2:59
  badly.
• 3:00
  Everybody
• 3:01
  completely.
• 3:02
  Wasted
• 3:03
  and
• 3:04
  sometimes
• 3:04
  somebody
• 3:04
  getting
• 3:05
  hurt
• 3:05
  and
• 3:05
  So
• 3:06
  I
• 3:06
  am
• 3:06
  very
• 3:07
  aware
• 3:08
  on
• 3:08
  those
• 3:08
  holidays
• 3:09
  that
• 3:09
  drinking
• 3:09
  holidays
• 3:10
  are
• 3:10
  not
• 3:12
  always
• 3:12
  fun.
• 3:13
  Like
• 3:13
  they're
• 3:13
  not
• 3:13
  good
• 3:14
  for
• 3:14
  some
• 3:14
  children.
• 3:15
  So
• 3:15
  I'm
• 3:15
  always
• 3:16
  aware,
• 3:16
  I
• 3:16
  always
• 3:16
  watch,
• 3:17
  like
• 3:17
  if
• 3:17
  I'm
• 3:17
  at
• 3:17
  a
• 3:17
  picnic
• 3:18
  and
• 3:18
  you
• 3:18
  see
• 3:18
  a
• 3:18
  kid.
• 3:19
  Off
• 3:19
  to
• 3:19
  the
• 3:20
  side
• 3:20
  or
• 3:20
  even
• 3:20
  a
• 3:21
  teenager.
• 3:21
  I
• 3:21
  always
• 3:22
  made
• 3:22
  it
• 3:22
  a
• 3:22
  point
• 3:23
  as
• 3:23
  I
• 3:23
  became
• 3:23
  an
• 3:23
  adult
• 3:24
  to,
• 3:25
  to
• 3:25
  reach
• 3:25
  out
• 3:25
  and
• 3:25
  just
• 3:26
  kind
• 3:26
  of
• 3:26
  like
• 3:27
  do
• 3:27
  some
• 3:27
  non-drinking
• 3:28
  fun
• 3:28
  activity
• 3:28
  with
• 3:29
  them.
• 3:29
  Yeah.
• 3:31
  Yeah.
• 3:31
  It's
• 3:31
  so
• 3:31
  true.
• 3:32
  I
• 3:32
  have
• 3:33
  this
• 3:33
  story
• 3:34
  of.
• 3:35
  I
• 3:35
  call
• 3:35
  it
• 3:35
  like
• 3:35
  the
• 3:35
  dark
• 3:36
  Christmas
• 3:36
  of
• 3:37
  2005,
• 3:38
  where,
• 3:39
  my
• 3:39
  family
• 3:40
  was
• 3:40
  all
• 3:40
  together
• 3:41
  and
• 3:41
  my
• 3:41
  dad
• 3:42
  was,
• 3:42
  really
• 3:42
  a
• 3:43
  difficult,
• 3:43
  man,
• 3:44
  the
• 3:44
  house
• 3:45
  revolved
• 3:45
  around
• 3:46
  managing
• 3:46
  his,
• 3:47
  emotions,
• 3:48
  his,
• 3:48
  keeping
• 3:49
  his
• 3:49
  volatility
• 3:50
  from
• 3:50
  rising.
• 3:51
  and
• 3:51
  I
• 3:51
  was
• 3:52
  really
• 3:52
  skilled
• 3:53
  in
• 3:53
  that,
• 3:53
  and
• 3:53
  so
• 3:54
  by.
• 3:54
  I
• 3:54
  don't
• 3:54
  know.
• 3:54
  I
• 3:55
  was
• 3:55
  maybe
• 3:55
  22
• 3:57
  at
• 3:57
  the
• 3:57
  time,
• 3:57
  and
• 3:57
  my
• 3:57
  two
• 3:57
  brothers
• 3:58
  were
• 3:58
  there
• 3:58
  and
• 3:58
  we
• 3:59
  were
• 3:59
  in
• 3:59
  a
• 3:59
  new
• 3:59
  house.
• 4:00
  And
• 4:01
  I
• 4:01
  remember
• 4:01
  my
• 4:02
  younger
• 4:02
  brother
• 4:02
  sat
• 4:03
  down
• 4:03
  like
• 4:03
  for
• 4:03
  dinner
• 4:04
  and
• 4:04
  my
• 4:04
  dad
• 4:04
  was
• 4:05
  really
• 4:05
  upset,
• 4:05
  was
• 4:06
  like,
• 4:06
  you're
• 4:06
  in
• 4:06
  my
• 4:07
  chair,
• 4:07
  like
• 4:08
  for,
• 4:08
  you're
• 4:08
  in
• 4:08
  my
• 4:08
  spot
• 4:09
  for
• 4:09
  dinner.
• 4:09
  And
• 4:09
  my
• 4:10
  brother
• 4:10
  was
• 4:10
  like,
• 4:11
  And
• 4:11
  he
• 4:11
  was
• 4:11
  like,
• 4:11
  kind
• 4:11
  of
• 4:11
  treated
• 4:12
  it
• 4:12
  like
• 4:12
  a
• 4:12
  joke
• 4:12
  like,
• 4:13
  Hmm,
• 4:13
  is
• 4:13
  this
• 4:13
  your
• 4:13
  spot?
• 4:14
  Like
• 4:14
  it's
• 4:14
  a
• 4:14
  brand
• 4:14
  new
• 4:15
  house,
• 4:15
  And
• 4:15
  my
• 4:15
  dad.
• 4:16
  Completely
• 4:18
  lost
• 4:18
  his
• 4:19
  mind.
• 4:19
  he,
• 4:19
  he
• 4:20
  went
• 4:20
  upstairs.
• 4:20
  He
• 4:21
  refused
• 4:21
  to
• 4:21
  come
• 4:22
  down
• 4:22
  for
• 4:22
  the
• 4:22
  rest
• 4:22
  of
• 4:22
  dinner.
• 4:23
  he
• 4:23
  refused
• 4:24
  to,
• 4:25
  he
• 4:25
  was
• 4:25
  just
• 4:25
  yelling
• 4:26
  from
• 4:26
  the
• 4:26
  top
• 4:26
  of
• 4:26
  the
• 4:27
  banister
• 4:29
  and
• 4:30
  Christmas
• 4:30
  was
• 4:31
  a
• 4:31
  complete
• 4:32
  wash
• 4:32
  at
• 4:33
  that
• 4:33
  point,
• 4:33
  right?
• 4:33
  At
• 4:33
  best,
• 4:34
  and
• 4:35
  I
• 4:35
  remember
• 4:35
  the
• 4:35
  next
• 4:35
  day,
• 4:36
  it
• 4:36
  was
• 4:36
  just
• 4:36
  the
• 4:37
  two
• 4:37
  of
• 4:37
  us
• 4:37
  in
• 4:37
  the
• 4:37
  house
• 4:38
  and
• 4:38
  I
• 4:38
  went
• 4:38
  out
• 4:38
  and
• 4:38
  I
• 4:39
  was
• 4:39
  the
• 4:39
  one
• 4:39
  who
• 4:39
  could
• 4:40
  kind
• 4:40
  of.
• 4:41
  Talk
• 4:42
  sense
• 4:42
  into
• 4:42
  him,
• 4:43
  And
• 4:43
  so
• 4:43
  I
• 4:43
  spent
• 4:45
  four
• 4:45
  or
• 4:45
  five
• 4:45
  hours
• 4:45
  talking
• 4:46
  to
• 4:46
  him
• 4:46
  about
• 4:46
  like,
• 4:47
  dad,
• 4:47
  that
• 4:47
  was
• 4:47
  not
• 4:48
  okay.
• 4:48
  That's
• 4:48
  not
• 4:49
  okay.
• 4:49
  The
• 4:49
  way
• 4:49
  that
• 4:49
  you
• 4:49
  treated.
• 4:51
  My
• 4:51
  brothers,
• 4:52
  you
• 4:52
  need
• 4:52
  to
• 4:52
  call
• 4:52
  them.
• 4:53
  And
• 4:53
  then
• 4:54
  my
• 4:54
  stepmom
• 4:54
  got
• 4:54
  home
• 4:55
  from
• 4:55
  work
• 4:56
  later
• 4:56
  that
• 4:56
  day
• 4:56
  and
• 4:57
  the
• 4:57
  role
• 4:58
  that
• 4:58
  I
• 4:58
  had
• 4:58
  in
• 4:59
  the
• 4:59
  family
• 4:59
  was
• 5:00
  Broker
• 5:01
  a
• 5:01
  sense
• 5:01
  of
• 5:01
  peace
• 5:02
  in
• 5:02
  a
• 5:02
  family
• 5:03
  that
• 5:03
  really
• 5:04
  was,
• 5:05
  on
• 5:05
  eggshells
• 5:05
  at
• 5:05
  all
• 5:06
  times.
• 5:06
  And
• 5:06
  like
• 5:06
  you
• 5:07
  said,
• 5:07
  the
• 5:07
  heightened
• 5:08
  experience
• 5:08
  around
• 5:10
  holidays
• 5:11
  and
• 5:11
  what
• 5:11
  should
• 5:11
  be
• 5:12
  good
• 5:13
  fun
• 5:13
  days
• 5:14
  that
• 5:14
  kind
• 5:15
  of
• 5:15
  never
• 5:15
  were,
• 5:16
  they,
• 5:16
  I
• 5:17
  think
• 5:17
  the
• 5:17
  expectation
• 5:18
  around
• 5:19
  how
• 5:20
  the
• 5:20
  day
• 5:20
  was
• 5:20
  gonna
• 5:20
  go
• 5:21
  or
• 5:21
  what
• 5:21
  it
• 5:21
  was
• 5:21
  gonna
• 5:21
  look
• 5:21
  like,
• 5:22
  and
• 5:22
  then
• 5:22
  when
• 5:22
  that
• 5:22
  would
• 5:23
  get
• 5:23
  thwarted
• 5:24
  in.
• 5:25
  Tiny
• 5:25
  ways,
• 5:26
  right?
• 5:26
  Like
• 5:27
  adjusting
• 5:27
  where
• 5:27
  you
• 5:27
  sit
• 5:28
  at
• 5:28
  a
• 5:28
  dinner
• 5:28
  table.
• 5:29
  he
• 5:29
  just
• 5:29
  couldn't
• 5:30
  manage
• 5:31
  that,
• 5:31
  that
• 5:32
  expectation
• 5:32
  was
• 5:32
  not
• 5:33
  gonna
• 5:33
  be
• 5:33
  met
• 5:34
  outside
• 5:35
  of,
• 5:35
  anger
• 5:36
  and
• 5:36
  Right.
• 5:37
  kind
• 5:37
  of
• 5:37
  forcing
• 5:38
  the
• 5:38
  entire
• 5:38
  rest
• 5:39
  of
• 5:39
  the
• 5:39
  family
• 5:39
  to
• 5:40
  accommodate
• 5:41
  his,
• 5:42
  quote
• 5:42
  needs
• 5:43
  or
• 5:43
  wants,
• 5:43
  and
• 5:44
  then
• 5:44
  a
• 5:44
  complete
• 5:45
  blow
• 5:45
  up
• 5:46
  when
• 5:46
  we
• 5:47
  either
• 5:47
  couldn't
• 5:47
  or
• 5:48
  wouldn't.
• 5:49
  Right.
• 5:49
  So
• 5:49
  that's
• 5:49
  really
• 5:49
  common.
• 5:51
  Yeah,
• 5:51
  absolutely.
• 5:52
  And
• 5:52
  it's
• 5:52
  funny
• 5:53
  that
• 5:53
  I
• 5:53
  look
• 5:53
  back
• 5:53
  at
• 5:53
  it
• 5:54
  now
• 5:54
  and
• 5:54
  you
• 5:54
  have
• 5:55
  this
• 5:55
  sense
• 5:55
  of
• 5:56
  why
• 5:56
  didn't
• 5:56
  I
• 5:57
  see
• 5:57
  it?
• 5:58
  And
• 5:59
  it's
• 5:59
  so
• 5:59
  hard,
• 6:00
  they
• 6:00
  talk
• 6:00
  about
• 6:00
  being
• 6:00
  inside
• 6:01
  the
• 6:01
  jar
• 6:02
  and
• 6:02
  when
• 6:02
  you're
• 6:02
  inside
• 6:03
  the
• 6:03
  jar
• 6:03
  you
• 6:03
  can't
• 6:03
  look
• 6:04
  outside
• 6:04
  and
• 6:05
  see
• 6:05
  somebody
• 6:05
  scrambling
• 6:06
  to
• 6:06
  get
• 6:06
  out
• 6:06
  of
• 6:06
  the
• 6:06
  jar.
• 6:07
  very
• 6:07
  hard
• 6:07
  even
• 6:07
  for
• 6:08
  me
• 6:08
  to
• 6:08
  fathom,
• 6:08
  like
• 6:09
  why
• 6:09
  I
• 6:09
  would
• 6:10
  get
• 6:10
  excited
• 6:11
  every
• 6:11
  time.
• 6:13
  We
• 6:13
  did
• 6:14
  have
• 6:14
  these
• 6:14
  social
• 6:15
  things
• 6:15
  because
• 6:16
  I
• 6:16
  was
• 6:16
  like,
• 6:16
  maybe
• 6:16
  it'll
• 6:16
  be
• 6:17
  different.
• 6:17
  This'll
• 6:18
  be
• 6:18
  different.
• 6:19
  And
• 6:19
  it's
• 6:19
  like,
• 6:21
  you
• 6:21
  know
• 6:21
  that
• 6:22
  old
• 6:22
  saying,
• 6:22
  was
• 6:23
  it
• 6:23
  Ben
• 6:23
  Franklin,
• 6:24
  you,
• 6:24
  or
• 6:25
  who
• 6:25
  is
• 6:25
  it
• 6:26
  that
• 6:26
  said
• 6:26
  Einstein
• 6:27
  waiting
• 6:27
  for
• 6:28
  something
• 6:28
  to
• 6:28
  be
• 6:29
  the
• 6:29
  insanity
• 6:31
  is
• 6:31
  doing
• 6:31
  the
• 6:31
  same
• 6:32
  thing
• 6:32
  over
• 6:33
  and
• 6:33
  over
• 6:33
  again
• 6:33
  expecting
• 6:34
  a
• 6:34
  different
• 6:35
  result.
• 6:35
  but
• 6:36
  we
• 6:36
  do
• 6:36
  it.
• 6:37
  We
• 6:37
  as
• 6:37
  children
• 6:38
  especially,
• 6:39
  and.
• 6:41
  It
• 6:41
  wasn't
• 6:42
  the
• 6:42
  one
• 6:42
  I
• 6:42
  think
• 6:42
  about,
• 6:43
  and
• 6:43
  this
• 6:43
  makes
• 6:43
  me
• 6:43
  laugh
• 6:43
  so
• 6:43
  hard
• 6:44
  because
• 6:44
  it
• 6:44
  just
• 6:44
  passed,
• 6:45
  was
• 6:45
  St.
• 6:45
  Patrick's
• 6:45
  Day
• 6:46
  My
• 6:46
  mom
• 6:46
  was
• 6:46
  very
• 6:47
  Irish
• 6:47
  and
• 6:47
  every
• 6:48
  St.
• 6:48
  Patrick's
• 6:48
  Day,
• 6:48
  she
• 6:49
  used
• 6:49
  to
• 6:49
  drag
• 6:49
  us
• 6:49
  to
• 6:49
  these
• 6:50
  Irish
• 6:50
  bars.
• 6:51
  And
• 6:51
  we
• 6:51
  used
• 6:51
  to
• 6:51
  have
• 6:52
  to
• 6:52
  sing
• 6:52
  that
• 6:52
  song.
• 6:52
  there
• 6:53
  were
• 6:53
  green
• 6:53
  alligators
• 6:54
  and
• 6:54
  long
• 6:54
  neck
• 6:54
  geese,
• 6:55
  and
• 6:55
  she
• 6:55
  used
• 6:56
  to
• 6:56
  make
• 6:56
  me
• 6:56
  get
• 6:56
  up
• 6:56
  on
• 6:56
  stage.
• 6:57
  And
• 6:58
  by
• 6:58
  that
• 6:58
  point
• 6:58
  everybody
• 6:59
  was
• 6:59
  drunk
• 6:59
  and
• 7:00
  I
• 7:00
  used
• 7:00
  to
• 7:00
  have
• 7:00
  to
• 7:00
  sing
• 7:00
  it
• 7:00
  and
• 7:01
  I
• 7:01
  was
• 7:01
  humiliated
• 7:02
  every
• 7:02
  single
• 7:03
  year.
• 7:04
  Yeah.
• 7:04
  Well
• 7:04
  now
• 7:04
  every
• 7:05
  St.
• 7:05
  Patrick's
• 7:05
  day
• 7:05
  I
• 7:05
  wake
• 7:06
  up
• 7:06
  and
• 7:06
  I'm
• 7:06
  like,
• 7:06
  there
• 7:07
  were
• 7:07
  green
• 7:07
  alligators.
• 7:10
  But
• 7:11
  it
• 7:11
  was
• 7:12
  traumatic
• 7:12
  back
• 7:12
  then,
• 7:13
  Yeah.
• 7:13
  And
• 7:14
  I
• 7:14
  think
• 7:14
  one
• 7:14
  of
• 7:14
  the
• 7:14
  things
• 7:15
  that
• 7:15
  is
• 7:15
  so
• 7:17
  beautiful
• 7:17
  about
• 7:18
  us
• 7:18
  as
• 7:18
  children,
• 7:19
  but
• 7:19
  also
• 7:19
  so
• 7:20
  tragic,
• 7:20
  is
• 7:21
  how
• 7:21
  hope
• 7:22
  filled
• 7:22
  we
• 7:22
  are,
• 7:23
  that
• 7:25
  the
• 7:25
  adults
• 7:25
  around
• 7:26
  us
• 7:26
  will
• 7:27
  get
• 7:27
  it
• 7:27
  together.
• 7:28
  That
• 7:28
  this
• 7:28
  will
• 7:28
  be
• 7:28
  the
• 7:29
  time
• 7:29
  that
• 7:29
  we
• 7:29
  will
• 7:30
  have
• 7:30
  the,
• 7:31
  experience
• 7:32
  that
• 7:32
  other.
• 7:34
  Like
• 7:34
  our
• 7:34
  friends
• 7:34
  and
• 7:35
  peers
• 7:35
  get
• 7:35
  to
• 7:36
  have.
• 7:36
  and
• 7:37
  then
• 7:37
  just
• 7:37
  the
• 7:37
  crushing
• 7:38
  disappointment
• 7:39
  when
• 7:40
  that
• 7:40
  doesn't
• 7:41
  come
• 7:41
  to
• 7:41
  pass,
• 7:41
  because
• 7:42
  of
• 7:42
  course
• 7:43
  it
• 7:43
  wasn't
• 7:44
  going
• 7:45
  to
• 7:45
  go
• 7:45
  the
• 7:45
  way
• 7:46
  that
• 7:46
  we
• 7:46
  wanted
• 7:46
  it
• 7:46
  to
• 7:47
  because
• 7:47
  that
• 7:47
  would
• 7:47
  require
• 7:48
  them
• 7:48
  to
• 7:48
  act
• 7:49
  in
• 7:49
  ways
• 7:49
  they
• 7:49
  had
• 7:49
  never
• 7:50
  acted.
• 7:51
  but
• 7:51
  that,
• 7:51
  hope,
• 7:53
  followed
• 7:53
  me.
• 7:54
  My
• 7:54
  entire
• 7:55
  life
• 7:55
  until
• 7:55
  my,
• 7:55
  dad
• 7:56
  passed,
• 7:56
  that
• 7:57
  I,
• 7:57
  I
• 7:57
  had
• 7:58
  consistent
• 7:59
  hope
• 8:00
  that
• 8:00
  he
• 8:00
  would,
• 8:01
  do
• 8:02
  things
• 8:02
  differently
• 8:03
  or
• 8:03
  he
• 8:03
  would
• 8:03
  see
• 8:04
  me
• 8:04
  as,
• 8:05
  an
• 8:05
  individual
• 8:06
  rather
• 8:06
  than
• 8:06
  an
• 8:06
  extension
• 8:07
  of
• 8:07
  him
• 8:08
  that,
• 8:08
  Have
• 8:08
  some
• 8:08
  sort
• 8:08
  of
• 8:09
  repair
• 8:10
  that
• 8:10
  he
• 8:11
  could
• 8:11
  reflect,
• 8:12
  on
• 8:12
  his
• 8:12
  own
• 8:12
  behavior
• 8:13
  and
• 8:13
  that
• 8:14
  none
• 8:14
  of
• 8:14
  that
• 8:15
  happened,
• 8:16
  And
• 8:16
  because
• 8:16
  of
• 8:16
  course
• 8:17
  it
• 8:17
  wasn't
• 8:17
  going
• 8:17
  to,
• 8:18
  of
• 8:18
  course
• 8:19
  not.
• 8:19
  But
• 8:19
  let
• 8:20
  me
• 8:20
  ask
• 8:20
  you
• 8:20
  this
• 8:20
  then,
• 8:21
  for
• 8:21
  the
• 8:21
  listeners,
• 8:21
  'cause
• 8:21
  I
• 8:21
  know
• 8:22
  this
• 8:22
  is
• 8:22
  very
• 8:22
  important
• 8:23
  for
• 8:23
  people.
• 8:23
  So
• 8:24
  how
• 8:24
  did
• 8:24
  you,
• 8:26
  hold
• 8:26
  that
• 8:26
  compassion
• 8:28
  and
• 8:29
  how
• 8:29
  did
• 8:29
  you
• 8:29
  keep
• 8:29
  that
• 8:30
  relationship
• 8:30
  without.
• 8:32
  Minimizing
• 8:33
  what
• 8:33
  was
• 8:33
  happening
• 8:34
  to
• 8:34
  you
• 8:34
  or
• 8:35
  did
• 8:35
  that
• 8:35
  not
• 8:35
  even
• 8:36
  become
• 8:36
  an
• 8:36
  issue
• 8:36
  while
• 8:37
  you
• 8:37
  were
• 8:37
  still
• 8:37
  in
• 8:37
  the
• 8:37
  house?
• 8:38
  so
• 8:39
  after
• 8:39
  I
• 8:39
  left
• 8:40
  the
• 8:40
  house,
• 8:41
  in
• 8:41
  my
• 8:41
  twenties
• 8:42
  I
• 8:42
  had
• 8:42
  a
• 8:42
  very
• 8:44
  minimal
• 8:44
  contact
• 8:45
  with
• 8:45
  my
• 8:45
  father.
• 8:46
  and,
• 8:47
  When
• 8:48
  it
• 8:48
  became
• 8:48
  clear.
• 8:49
  So
• 8:49
  my
• 8:49
  stepmother
• 8:49
  passed
• 8:50
  in,
• 8:50
  2016.
• 8:52
  and
• 8:52
  that's
• 8:53
  when
• 8:53
  it
• 8:53
  became
• 8:53
  really
• 8:54
  clear
• 8:54
  to
• 8:54
  us
• 8:55
  that,
• 8:55
  he
• 8:55
  was
• 8:55
  in
• 8:56
  a
• 8:56
  cognitive
• 8:56
  decline,
• 8:57
  that
• 8:57
  we
• 8:57
  kind
• 8:58
  of
• 8:58
  weren't
• 8:59
  super
• 8:59
  aware
• 8:59
  of.
• 8:59
  'cause
• 9:00
  we
• 9:00
  had
• 9:00
  been,
• 9:01
  all
• 9:01
  of
• 9:01
  us
• 9:02
  kids,
• 9:03
  the
• 9:03
  three
• 9:03
  of
• 9:03
  us
• 9:03
  had
• 9:04
  dissipated
• 9:05
  from
• 9:05
  the
• 9:05
  house
• 9:06
  and.
• 9:07
  So
• 9:08
  by
• 9:08
  2016
• 9:09
  it,
• 9:09
  became
• 9:10
  more
• 9:10
  clear
• 9:10
  that
• 9:11
  he
• 9:11
  needed
• 9:11
  more
• 9:11
  help.
• 9:12
  but
• 9:12
  I
• 9:12
  was
• 9:12
  also
• 9:13
  very
• 9:13
  firm,
• 9:14
  that
• 9:14
  it
• 9:14
  was
• 9:15
  not,
• 9:15
  he
• 9:15
  was
• 9:15
  never
• 9:16
  gonna
• 9:16
  be
• 9:17
  living
• 9:17
  with
• 9:17
  us.
• 9:18
  He
• 9:18
  was
• 9:18
  not
• 9:18
  going
• 9:19
  to,
• 9:19
  and
• 9:19
  so,
• 9:20
  he
• 9:20
  moved
• 9:20
  into
• 9:20
  a,
• 9:21
  a
• 9:21
  community
• 9:22
  of
• 9:22
  care
• 9:23
  and
• 9:23
  I
• 9:23
  was
• 9:23
  in
• 9:24
  a
• 9:24
  lot
• 9:24
  of
• 9:24
  contact
• 9:25
  with
• 9:25
  his
• 9:25
  caregivers,
• 9:26
  with
• 9:26
  the
• 9:26
  people
• 9:27
  at,
• 9:27
  but
• 9:27
  I
• 9:28
  would
• 9:28
  say
• 9:28
  to
• 9:28
  them.
• 9:30
  I
• 9:30
  am,
• 9:30
  I
• 9:31
  am
• 9:31
  here
• 9:31
  to
• 9:32
  help
• 9:32
  financially
• 9:33
  with,
• 9:33
  the
• 9:34
  logistics.
• 9:35
  But
• 9:35
  this
• 9:35
  is,
• 9:35
  not
• 9:36
  something
• 9:36
  that
• 9:36
  I'm
• 9:37
  gonna
• 9:37
  be,
• 9:38
  physically
• 9:38
  present
• 9:39
  for
• 9:39
  in
• 9:40
  a
• 9:40
  way
• 9:40
  that
• 9:40
  you
• 9:40
  might
• 9:41
  see
• 9:41
  with
• 9:41
  a
• 9:41
  lot
• 9:41
  of
• 9:41
  other
• 9:42
  residents
• 9:42
  that,
• 9:43
  are
• 9:43
  here.
• 9:43
  and.
• 9:46
  he
• 9:46
  would,
• 9:47
  early
• 9:47
  on
• 9:48
  he
• 9:48
  would
• 9:48
  send,
• 9:49
  upwards
• 9:49
  of
• 9:49
  a
• 9:49
  dozen
• 9:50
  emails
• 9:51
  a
• 9:51
  day,
• 9:51
  and
• 9:51
  I
• 9:51
  had
• 9:51
  to
• 9:51
  like
• 9:52
  mute
• 9:52
  my
• 9:52
  phone.
• 9:52
  I
• 9:52
  eventually
• 9:53
  had
• 9:53
  to
• 9:53
  send
• 9:53
  it
• 9:53
  to
• 9:54
  spam.
• 9:54
  I
• 9:54
  had
• 9:54
  to
• 9:55
  block
• 9:55
  my
• 9:55
  dad's
• 9:56
  emails,
• 9:56
  and
• 9:56
  I,
• 9:56
  I
• 9:57
  would
• 9:57
  go
• 9:57
  through
• 9:57
  and
• 9:57
  I
• 9:57
  would
• 9:57
  kind
• 9:57
  of
• 9:57
  like
• 9:58
  just
• 9:58
  scan
• 9:59
  them
• 9:59
  to
• 9:59
  see
• 9:59
  if
• 9:59
  there
• 9:59
  was
• 9:59
  anything
• 10:00
  I
• 10:00
  really
• 10:00
  needed.
• 10:01
  But
• 10:01
  there
• 10:01
  were,
• 10:02
  it
• 10:02
  was
• 10:02
  very
• 10:02
  chaotic.
• 10:03
  And
• 10:04
  I
• 10:04
  asked
• 10:05
  him
• 10:05
  if
• 10:05
  he
• 10:05
  would
• 10:05
  stop.
• 10:06
  I
• 10:06
  asked
• 10:06
  him
• 10:06
  if
• 10:06
  he
• 10:06
  could,
• 10:07
  and
• 10:07
  he,
• 10:07
  couldn't
• 10:07
  or
• 10:08
  wouldn't.
• 10:08
  and
• 10:09
  so
• 10:09
  I
• 10:09
  had
• 10:10
  to.
• 10:11
  Implement
• 10:12
  ways
• 10:12
  for
• 10:12
  myself
• 10:13
  that
• 10:13
  were,
• 10:14
  I,
• 10:14
  I
• 10:14
  blocked
• 10:14
  my
• 10:14
  own
• 10:15
  father's
• 10:16
  email
• 10:16
  address.
• 10:17
  and
• 10:17
  a
• 10:17
  lot
• 10:18
  of
• 10:18
  that
• 10:18
  was
• 10:18
  just
• 10:18
  around
• 10:19
  reducing
• 10:20
  the
• 10:20
  harm
• 10:21
  that
• 10:22
  I
• 10:22
  was
• 10:22
  gonna
• 10:22
  let
• 10:22
  him
• 10:22
  cause
• 10:23
  me
• 10:23
  as
• 10:24
  an
• 10:24
  adult.
• 10:24
  right.
• 10:25
  And
• 10:26
  that.
• 10:27
  for
• 10:27
  the
• 10:27
  first
• 10:28
  time
• 10:28
  that
• 10:28
  other
• 10:29
  people
• 10:29
  would
• 10:29
  step
• 10:30
  in,
• 10:30
  where
• 10:30
  that
• 10:30
  had
• 10:31
  been
• 10:31
  my
• 10:31
  role
• 10:31
  my
• 10:32
  entire
• 10:32
  life.
• 10:33
  Like
• 10:33
  I,
• 10:33
  often
• 10:34
  say
• 10:35
  I
• 10:35
  learned
• 10:36
  to
• 10:36
  speak
• 10:36
  my
• 10:36
  dad's
• 10:37
  emotional
• 10:38
  range
• 10:39
  before
• 10:39
  I
• 10:39
  learned
• 10:40
  to
• 10:40
  speak
• 10:40
  English.
• 10:41
  I
• 10:41
  knew
• 10:41
  how
• 10:41
  to
• 10:41
  calculate
• 10:42
  his
• 10:43
  moods,
• 10:43
  his
• 10:44
  needs,
• 10:44
  from
• 10:44
  a
• 10:44
  very,
• 10:45
  young
• 10:46
  age.
• 10:46
  And,
• 10:47
  in
• 10:47
  the
• 10:47
  last,
• 10:48
  probably.
• 10:49
  Eight
• 10:49
  years
• 10:50
  of
• 10:50
  his
• 10:50
  life.
• 10:50
  It
• 10:50
  was
• 10:51
  a
• 10:51
  slow
• 10:52
  and
• 10:52
  kind
• 10:52
  of
• 10:52
  sad
• 10:53
  process
• 10:53
  of
• 10:53
  unlearning
• 10:54
  that
• 10:55
  and
• 10:55
  saying,
• 10:55
  I
• 10:55
  am
• 10:55
  not
• 10:56
  going
• 10:56
  to
• 10:56
  step
• 10:56
  back
• 10:57
  into
• 10:57
  these
• 10:57
  habits.
• 10:58
  I've
• 10:58
  built
• 10:58
  a
• 10:58
  life
• 10:59
  that
• 10:59
  functions
• 10:59
  differently.
• 11:01
  And
• 11:01
  it
• 11:01
  is
• 11:01
  sad
• 11:02
  that
• 11:02
  he
• 11:02
  was
• 11:03
  alone.
• 11:04
  I
• 11:04
  mean,
• 11:04
  he
• 11:04
  was
• 11:04
  in
• 11:04
  a
• 11:04
  community.
• 11:05
  He
• 11:05
  had
• 11:05
  people,
• 11:06
  he
• 11:06
  wasn't
• 11:06
  like
• 11:06
  alone,
• 11:07
  But
• 11:07
  it's
• 11:07
  like,
• 11:07
  it's
• 11:08
  sad
• 11:08
  that
• 11:08
  this
• 11:08
  man
• 11:09
  doesn't
• 11:09
  have
• 11:09
  his
• 11:09
  family
• 11:10
  around
• 11:10
  him
• 11:10
  and
• 11:11
  visiting,
• 11:11
  the
• 11:11
  way
• 11:11
  that
• 11:12
  other
• 11:12
  residents
• 11:12
  do.
• 11:14
  But
• 11:14
  that
• 11:14
  was
• 11:14
  also.
• 11:16
  40
• 11:16
  years
• 11:17
  worth
• 11:17
  of
• 11:18
  behavior
• 11:18
  that
• 11:19
  had
• 11:19
  led
• 11:19
  to
• 11:19
  that.
• 11:20
  absolutely.
• 11:21
  And
• 11:21
  your
• 11:21
  loyalty,
• 11:22
  just
• 11:22
  because
• 11:23
  he's
• 11:23
  your
• 11:23
  dad
• 11:24
  does
• 11:24
  not,
• 11:26
  make
• 11:26
  you
• 11:27
  go
• 11:27
  back.
• 11:27
  And
• 11:28
  I
• 11:28
  can
• 11:28
  remember,
• 11:29
  I
• 11:29
  mean,
• 11:29
  so
• 11:30
  many
• 11:30
  people
• 11:30
  struggle
• 11:31
  with
• 11:31
  that,
• 11:31
  with
• 11:31
  that
• 11:31
  guilt
• 11:32
  of,
• 11:32
  oh,
• 11:32
  she's
• 11:32
  your
• 11:33
  mother.
• 11:33
  How
• 11:33
  could
• 11:33
  you?
• 11:34
  And
• 11:34
  she's
• 11:34
  your
• 11:34
  fa,
• 11:35
  he's
• 11:35
  your
• 11:35
  father,
• 11:35
  and
• 11:36
  how
• 11:36
  could
• 11:36
  you,
• 11:37
  and
• 11:37
  I'm
• 11:37
  like.
• 11:38
  How
• 11:38
  about
• 11:38
  we
• 11:39
  turn,
• 11:39
  the
• 11:39
  tables
• 11:40
  here
• 11:40
  and
• 11:40
  say
• 11:41
  she
• 11:41
  was
• 11:41
  your
• 11:41
  mother,
• 11:42
  how
• 11:42
  could
• 11:42
  she?
• 11:43
  Right.
• 11:44
  Nobody
• 11:44
  says
• 11:44
  that
• 11:45
  like,
• 11:46
  and
• 11:46
  we
• 11:46
  have
• 11:47
  to
• 11:47
  turn
• 11:47
  that
• 11:47
  around
• 11:48
  because
• 11:48
  yes,
• 11:49
  it's,
• 11:49
  yes,
• 11:50
  you
• 11:50
  have
• 11:50
  that
• 11:50
  loyalty,
• 11:51
  but
• 11:51
  there
• 11:51
  has
• 11:52
  to
• 11:52
  be
• 11:52
  for
• 11:52
  your
• 11:52
  own
• 11:53
  sanity
• 11:53
  and
• 11:53
  for
• 11:53
  your
• 11:53
  own
• 11:54
  peace
• 11:54
  of
• 11:54
  mind,
• 11:55
  there
• 11:55
  has
• 11:55
  to
• 11:55
  be
• 11:55
  those
• 11:56
  boundaries.
• 11:57
  It
• 11:57
  has
• 11:57
  to
• 11:57
  be,
• 11:57
  yes.
• 11:58
  And
• 11:58
  I
• 11:59
  think
• 11:59
  it
• 11:59
  confuses
• 12:00
  people
• 12:00
  who
• 12:01
  have
• 12:01
  healthy
• 12:02
  relationships
• 12:02
  with
• 12:03
  their
• 12:03
  parents.
• 12:03
  That's
• 12:04
  most
• 12:04
  often
• 12:04
  where
• 12:05
  I
• 12:05
  hear,
• 12:05
  oh,
• 12:05
  but
• 12:05
  he's
• 12:05
  your
• 12:06
  dad.
• 12:06
  Or,
• 12:06
  and
• 12:06
  it's
• 12:06
  like,
• 12:07
  yeah,
• 12:07
  if
• 12:07
  I
• 12:07
  had
• 12:08
  had.
• 12:09
  40
• 12:10
  years
• 12:10
  of
• 12:10
  a
• 12:10
  close
• 12:11
  loving
• 12:12
  relationship
• 12:13
  where
• 12:13
  I
• 12:13
  was
• 12:13
  seen
• 12:14
  and
• 12:14
  appreciated
• 12:15
  and
• 12:15
  valued
• 12:16
  for
• 12:16
  the
• 12:16
  human
• 12:17
  that
• 12:17
  I
• 12:17
  was
• 12:17
  and
• 12:17
  not
• 12:18
  the
• 12:18
  prop
• 12:18
  that
• 12:19
  I
• 12:19
  played,
• 12:21
  I
• 12:21
  would've
• 12:21
  had
• 12:21
  a
• 12:21
  very
• 12:21
  different
• 12:22
  reaction
• 12:23
  to
• 12:23
  his
• 12:23
  cognitive
• 12:24
  decline
• 12:24
  and,
• 12:24
  and.
• 12:25
  care
• 12:25
  needs.
• 12:26
  I
• 12:26
  have
• 12:26
  a
• 12:26
  very
• 12:27
  warm
• 12:27
  relationship
• 12:28
  with
• 12:28
  my
• 12:28
  mother.
• 12:29
  They
• 12:29
  divorced
• 12:29
  when
• 12:29
  I
• 12:29
  was
• 12:30
  one.
• 12:31
  and
• 12:31
  it
• 12:31
  would
• 12:32
  be
• 12:32
  a
• 12:32
  really
• 12:32
  different
• 12:32
  story
• 12:33
  if,
• 12:33
  if
• 12:34
  it
• 12:34
  was
• 12:34
  my
• 12:34
  mom
• 12:34
  who
• 12:35
  had,
• 12:35
  but
• 12:35
  I
• 12:36
  was
• 12:36
  like,
• 12:37
  if
• 12:37
  I,
• 12:37
  I
• 12:37
  had
• 12:38
  40
• 12:38
  years
• 12:39
  of
• 12:39
  being
• 12:39
  treated
• 12:41
  poorly.
• 12:42
  and
• 12:42
  that
• 12:43
  doesn't
• 12:43
  go
• 12:43
  away
• 12:44
  just
• 12:44
  because
• 12:45
  now
• 12:45
  he's
• 12:45
  needy.
• 12:46
  and.
• 12:48
  and
• 12:48
  I
• 12:48
  kind
• 12:49
  of
• 12:49
  like
• 12:49
  with
• 12:49
  my
• 12:49
  in-laws
• 12:50
  early
• 12:50
  on
• 12:50
  who
• 12:51
  are
• 12:51
  very
• 12:51
  close
• 12:51
  with,
• 12:52
  my
• 12:52
  husband,
• 12:52
  I
• 12:52
  don't,
• 12:53
  they
• 12:53
  didn't
• 12:53
  really
• 12:54
  understand.
• 12:55
  and
• 12:55
  it
• 12:55
  was
• 12:55
  like,
• 12:55
  if
• 12:55
  I
• 12:55
  had
• 12:56
  40
• 12:56
  years
• 12:56
  of
• 12:56
  the
• 12:56
  relationship
• 12:57
  that
• 12:57
  you
• 12:58
  have
• 12:58
  with
• 12:58
  your
• 12:58
  son,
• 12:59
  of
• 12:59
  course
• 13:00
  I
• 13:00
  would
• 13:00
  react
• 13:00
  differently.
• 13:01
  and.
• 13:03
  that's
• 13:03
  not
• 13:03
  what
• 13:04
  I
• 13:04
  have
• 13:04
  to
• 13:04
  build
• 13:05
  on.
• 13:05
  And
• 13:05
  that,
• 13:05
  can
• 13:06
  be
• 13:06
  really
• 13:06
  confusing,
• 13:07
  I
• 13:07
  think
• 13:07
  for
• 13:07
  people
• 13:08
  who
• 13:08
  have
• 13:08
  just
• 13:08
  normal
• 13:09
  family
• 13:09
  conflicts
• 13:10
  or
• 13:10
  normal,
• 13:11
  where
• 13:11
  the
• 13:11
  dynamics
• 13:12
  are,
• 13:12
  not
• 13:13
  unhealthy
• 13:13
  from
• 13:14
  the
• 13:14
  start.
• 13:14
  And
• 13:14
  I
• 13:14
  was
• 13:15
  like,
• 13:15
  I,
• 13:16
  I
• 13:16
  am
• 13:16
  acting
• 13:16
  in
• 13:17
  a
• 13:17
  way
• 13:17
  that
• 13:17
  is
• 13:17
  consistent
• 13:18
  with.
• 13:19
  How
• 13:19
  I
• 13:19
  was
• 13:19
  brought
• 13:20
  up
• 13:20
  and
• 13:20
  no,
• 13:20
  you
• 13:21
  don't
• 13:21
  understand
• 13:21
  and
• 13:22
  I'm
• 13:22
  glad
• 13:22
  you
• 13:22
  don't
• 13:23
  understand
• 13:23
  that.
• 13:23
  That's
• 13:24
  much
• 13:24
  healthier.
• 13:25
  Like
• 13:25
  Right.
• 13:26
  But
• 13:26
  also
• 13:26
  exactly,
• 13:27
  this
• 13:27
  is
• 13:28
  now
• 13:28
  the
• 13:28
  framework
• 13:29
  that
• 13:29
  I
• 13:29
  have
• 13:29
  to
• 13:29
  operate
• 13:30
  in
• 13:30
  and
• 13:30
  it
• 13:30
  looks
• 13:31
  different
• 13:31
  than
• 13:32
  what
• 13:32
  a
• 13:32
  lot
• 13:33
  of
• 13:33
  families
• 13:34
  do
• 13:34
  and,
• 13:35
  joyfully
• 13:35
  get
• 13:36
  to
• 13:36
  operate
• 13:36
  in.
• 13:37
  and
• 13:37
  I've,
• 13:38
  stopped
• 13:38
  explaining
• 13:39
  that,
• 13:39
  now,
• 13:40
  which
• 13:40
  feels
• 13:40
  better.
• 13:42
  Yeah,
• 13:42
  you
• 13:42
  don't
• 13:42
  have
• 13:42
  to,
• 13:42
  I
• 13:43
  mean,
• 13:43
  for
• 13:43
  whatever
• 13:44
  reason,
• 13:44
  you
• 13:44
  don't.
• 13:44
  I've
• 13:45
  said
• 13:45
  that
• 13:45
  all
• 13:45
  the
• 13:45
  time.
• 13:46
  You
• 13:46
  don't
• 13:46
  have
• 13:46
  to
• 13:46
  explain
• 13:47
  if
• 13:48
  it
• 13:48
  doesn't
• 13:48
  feel
• 13:48
  right
• 13:49
  to
• 13:49
  you
• 13:49
  and
• 13:49
  it
• 13:49
  hurts
• 13:50
  you.
• 13:50
  You
• 13:50
  have
• 13:51
  every
• 13:51
  right
• 13:51
  as
• 13:51
  a
• 13:51
  human
• 13:52
  being
• 13:52
  to
• 13:52
  get
• 13:52
  out
• 13:52
  of
• 13:52
  the
• 13:52
  situation
• 13:54
  and
• 13:54
  you
• 13:54
  can
• 13:54
  stand
• 13:55
  back
• 13:55
  from
• 13:55
  afar.
• 13:56
  You
• 13:56
  can
• 13:56
  watch
• 13:56
  your
• 13:56
  father
• 13:57
  in
• 13:57
  a
• 13:57
  nursing
• 13:57
  home
• 13:58
  or
• 13:58
  wherever
• 13:58
  he
• 13:58
  is
• 13:59
  and
• 13:59
  or
• 13:59
  a
• 13:59
  rehab
• 14:00
  or
• 14:00
  wherever
• 14:00
  it
• 14:00
  is.
• 14:01
  You
• 14:01
  can
• 14:01
  still
• 14:01
  have
• 14:02
  empathy
• 14:02
  and
• 14:03
  compassion
• 14:03
  for
• 14:03
  what
• 14:04
  he's
• 14:04
  going
• 14:04
  through.
• 14:05
  Now,
• 14:05
  that
• 14:05
  doesn't
• 14:06
  mean
• 14:06
  you
• 14:07
  let
• 14:07
  go
• 14:07
  of
• 14:07
  everything
• 14:08
  that
• 14:08
  you
• 14:08
  went
• 14:09
  through
• 14:09
  or
• 14:09
  who
• 14:09
  he
• 14:09
  was.
• 14:11
  I
• 14:11
  mean,
• 14:11
  it
• 14:11
  was
• 14:11
  a
• 14:11
  long
• 14:11
  time
• 14:12
  before
• 14:12
  I
• 14:12
  saw
• 14:12
  my
• 14:13
  mom
• 14:13
  as
• 14:13
  a
• 14:14
  violently
• 14:15
  tormented
• 14:16
  soul.
• 14:17
  Yeah.
• 14:18
  And
• 14:19
  I
• 14:19
  could
• 14:19
  say,
• 14:20
  okay,
• 14:21
  now
• 14:21
  I
• 14:21
  understand.
• 14:22
  I
• 14:22
  don't
• 14:23
  love
• 14:23
  what
• 14:24
  happened
• 14:24
  to
• 14:24
  me.
• 14:24
  Obviously
• 14:25
  I
• 14:25
  hate
• 14:26
  it.
• 14:26
  Mm-hmm.
• 14:27
  But
• 14:27
  I
• 14:27
  understand
• 14:28
  why
• 14:28
  she
• 14:28
  was.
• 14:29
  And
• 14:29
  in
• 14:29
  that
• 14:30
  I
• 14:30
  found
• 14:31
  peace.
• 14:31
  You
• 14:31
  found
• 14:32
  peace.
• 14:32
  And
• 14:32
  that
• 14:32
  forgiveness,
• 14:33
  like
• 14:33
  where
• 14:34
  I
• 14:34
  don't
• 14:34
  hold
• 14:35
  any
• 14:35
  animosity
• 14:36
  or
• 14:36
  anger
• 14:36
  and.
• 14:37
  It's
• 14:38
  taken
• 14:38
  me
• 14:38
  a
• 14:38
  long
• 14:38
  time,
• 14:39
  but
• 14:39
  I
• 14:39
  kind
• 14:39
  of
• 14:40
  took
• 14:40
  that
• 14:40
  and
• 14:40
  turned
• 14:40
  it
• 14:41
  into
• 14:41
  something
• 14:41
  positive.
• 14:42
  I
• 14:42
  love
• 14:42
  you,
• 14:42
  cat.
• 14:43
  Thank
• 14:43
  you.
• 14:43
  And
• 14:44
  I'm
• 14:44
  just
• 14:44
  kinda
• 14:44
  laughing
• 14:44
  because
• 14:45
  you
• 14:45
  let
• 14:45
  him
• 14:45
  walk
• 14:46
  in
• 14:46
  front,
• 14:46
  whatever.
• 14:47
  But
• 14:47
  I
• 14:47
  do
• 14:47
  laugh
• 14:48
  because
• 14:48
  I
• 14:48
  don't
• 14:48
  edit
• 14:48
  my
• 14:49
  videos.
• 14:49
  And
• 14:49
  one
• 14:49
  time
• 14:50
  I
• 14:50
  was
• 14:50
  like
• 14:50
  talking
• 14:51
  to
• 14:51
  this
• 14:51
  lady
• 14:51
  and
• 14:51
  the
• 14:51
  cat,
• 14:52
  she
• 14:52
  was
• 14:52
  rubbing
• 14:52
  the
• 14:52
  cat's
• 14:53
  head
• 14:53
  and
• 14:53
  so
• 14:53
  it
• 14:53
  was
• 14:53
  just
• 14:54
  his
• 14:54
  butt
• 14:54
  hole,
• 14:54
  right
• 14:55
  in
• 14:55
  the,
• 14:55
  oh
• 14:55
  no.
• 14:58
  So
• 14:58
  I'm
• 14:58
  thinking
• 14:58
  about,
• 14:59
  I
• 14:59
  was
• 14:59
  like,
• 14:59
  I
• 14:59
  might
• 14:59
  need
• 14:59
  to
• 14:59
  chop
• 15:00
  that
• 15:00
  one
• 15:00
  up
• 15:00
  a
• 15:01
  little
• 15:01
  bit
• 15:01
  because
• 15:01
  literally
• 15:01
  it
• 15:01
  was
• 15:02
  right
• 15:02
  in
• 15:02
  the
• 15:02
  little
• 15:03
  black
• 15:03
  dot.
• 15:03
  There
• 15:03
  couldn't
• 15:04
  have
• 15:04
  been,
• 15:04
  more
• 15:05
  on
• 15:05
  point.
• 15:05
  It
• 15:05
  couldn't
• 15:06
  have
• 15:06
  been
• 15:06
  more
• 15:06
  on
• 15:06
  point.
• 15:07
  And
• 15:07
  I'm
• 15:07
  like,
• 15:07
  okay,
• 15:07
  so
• 15:08
  for
• 15:08
  the
• 15:08
  viewers,
• 15:09
  but
• 15:09
  that's
• 15:09
  funny.
• 15:10
  but
• 15:10
  yeah,
• 15:10
  you
• 15:10
  can't,
• 15:12
  you
• 15:12
  can
• 15:12
  be
• 15:12
  compassionate
• 15:13
  and
• 15:13
  you
• 15:13
  can
• 15:13
  have
• 15:14
  empathy
• 15:14
  and
• 15:14
  everything
• 15:15
  else.
• 15:15
  That
• 15:15
  does
• 15:15
  not
• 15:16
  mean
• 15:16
  that
• 15:16
  you.
• 15:17
  Deny
• 15:18
  all
• 15:18
  of
• 15:18
  your
• 15:18
  own
• 15:19
  boundaries
• 15:19
  and
• 15:19
  step
• 15:20
  back
• 15:20
  in
• 15:20
  period.
• 15:21
  Right.
• 15:22
  And
• 15:22
  one
• 15:22
  of
• 15:22
  the
• 15:22
  things
• 15:23
  that
• 15:23
  you
• 15:23
  mentioned,
• 15:24
  about
• 15:24
  seeing
• 15:24
  your
• 15:24
  mom
• 15:25
  in
• 15:26
  more
• 15:26
  totality.
• 15:27
  as
• 15:28
  I
• 15:28
  was
• 15:28
  writing,
• 15:29
  this
• 15:29
  book,
• 15:30
  one
• 15:30
  of
• 15:30
  the
• 15:30
  things
• 15:31
  that
• 15:31
  I
• 15:32
  started
• 15:33
  to
• 15:33
  unravel
• 15:33
  was
• 15:34
  the
• 15:34
  generational
• 15:35
  trauma.
• 15:35
  It
• 15:36
  started
• 15:36
  with
• 15:36
  the
• 15:36
  effects
• 15:37
  that
• 15:37
  it
• 15:37
  had
• 15:37
  on
• 15:37
  me,
• 15:38
  because
• 15:38
  that
• 15:38
  was
• 15:38
  what
• 15:39
  I
• 15:39
  had
• 15:39
  the
• 15:39
  most
• 15:40
  experience
• 15:40
  with.
• 15:41
  But
• 15:41
  I
• 15:41
  started
• 15:42
  to
• 15:42
  pull
• 15:43
  at
• 15:43
  the
• 15:43
  threads
• 15:44
  of
• 15:44
  like,
• 15:44
  what
• 15:45
  must
• 15:45
  have
• 15:46
  happened
• 15:46
  to
• 15:46
  my
• 15:47
  dad
• 15:47
  too?
• 15:49
  Form
• 15:49
  him
• 15:49
  in
• 15:50
  this
• 15:50
  way.
• 15:50
  I
• 15:50
  believe
• 15:51
  we
• 15:51
  come
• 15:51
  in
• 15:51
  with
• 15:51
  some
• 15:52
  things,
• 15:52
  pre-wired
• 15:53
  into
• 15:53
  us,
• 15:54
  but
• 15:54
  also,
• 15:55
  how
• 15:55
  he
• 15:55
  was
• 15:55
  shaped
• 15:56
  and
• 15:57
  I
• 15:57
  think
• 15:57
  if
• 15:58
  my
• 15:58
  dad
• 15:58
  were
• 15:58
  still
• 15:58
  alive
• 15:59
  and
• 15:59
  you
• 15:59
  were
• 16:00
  to
• 16:00
  ask
• 16:00
  him
• 16:00
  if
• 16:01
  he
• 16:01
  was
• 16:01
  a
• 16:01
  good
• 16:01
  dad,
• 16:02
  I
• 16:02
  think
• 16:02
  he
• 16:02
  would
• 16:02
  say
• 16:04
  yes.
• 16:04
  And
• 16:05
  I
• 16:05
  think
• 16:06
  it
• 16:06
  is
• 16:06
  possible
• 16:07
  to
• 16:07
  probable
• 16:08
  that
• 16:08
  he
• 16:08
  was
• 16:09
  objectively
• 16:10
  a
• 16:10
  better
• 16:10
  dad
• 16:11
  than
• 16:11
  his
• 16:11
  father
• 16:11
  was
• 16:12
  to
• 16:12
  him.
• 16:12
  I
• 16:13
  don't.
• 16:14
  Know
• 16:14
  that
• 16:15
  my
• 16:15
  family
• 16:15
  history
• 16:16
  is
• 16:16
  a
• 16:16
  little
• 16:16
  murky.
• 16:17
  but
• 16:17
  I
• 16:17
  believe
• 16:18
  that
• 16:18
  that's
• 16:18
  probably
• 16:19
  true,
• 16:19
  in
• 16:20
  an
• 16:20
  objective
• 16:20
  sense.
• 16:21
  and
• 16:22
  it
• 16:22
  is
• 16:22
  also
• 16:23
  true
• 16:23
  that
• 16:23
  it
• 16:23
  was
• 16:23
  still
• 16:24
  deeply
• 16:25
  harmful,
• 16:26
  for
• 16:26
  me
• 16:26
  to
• 16:26
  experience
• 16:27
  him
• 16:27
  as
• 16:27
  a
• 16:27
  father,
• 16:28
  which
• 16:29
  led
• 16:29
  me
• 16:29
  to
• 16:30
  what
• 16:31
  was
• 16:31
  it
• 16:31
  like
• 16:32
  for
• 16:32
  him
• 16:32
  to
• 16:32
  experience
• 16:33
  his
• 16:33
  own
• 16:33
  father
• 16:34
  and
• 16:34
  then.
• 16:35
  We
• 16:35
  get
• 16:35
  farther
• 16:36
  and
• 16:36
  farther
• 16:37
  up
• 16:37
  the
• 16:37
  generational
• 16:39
  chain
• 16:39
  of
• 16:40
  people
• 16:40
  who
• 16:40
  did
• 16:41
  not
• 16:41
  have
• 16:42
  a
• 16:42
  lot
• 16:42
  of
• 16:42
  emotional
• 16:43
  skill,
• 16:43
  who,
• 16:44
  did
• 16:44
  not
• 16:45
  have
• 16:45
  the
• 16:46
  kinds
• 16:46
  of,
• 16:47
  vocabulary
• 16:48
  that
• 16:48
  we
• 16:48
  have
• 16:48
  now,
• 16:49
  or
• 16:49
  ability
• 16:49
  to
• 16:49
  relate
• 16:50
  to
• 16:50
  children.
• 16:51
  And
• 16:51
  so
• 16:52
  that
• 16:53
  has.
• 16:54
  Helped
• 16:54
  me
• 16:54
  widen
• 16:55
  my
• 16:55
  view
• 16:56
  to
• 16:56
  see
• 16:57
  that
• 16:57
  this
• 16:57
  didn't
• 16:58
  just
• 16:58
  arrive,
• 16:58
  my
• 16:58
  dad
• 16:59
  didn't
• 16:59
  arrive
• 17:00
  whole,
• 17:01
  and
• 17:01
  do
• 17:01
  this
• 17:02
  to
• 17:02
  me
• 17:02
  on
• 17:02
  purpose.
• 17:03
  Right.
• 17:03
  Exactly.
• 17:03
  Treat
• 17:03
  me
• 17:03
  this
• 17:04
  way.
• 17:04
  He
• 17:05
  had
• 17:05
  his
• 17:06
  own
• 17:06
  shapes
• 17:06
  and
• 17:06
  reasons
• 17:07
  and,
• 17:07
  ways
• 17:08
  that
• 17:08
  he
• 17:08
  came
• 17:08
  into
• 17:09
  to
• 17:09
  become
• 17:09
  my
• 17:09
  father.
• 17:10
  I
• 17:11
  have
• 17:11
  expanded
• 17:12
  empathy
• 17:12
  for
• 17:12
  him,
• 17:13
  for
• 17:13
  his
• 17:13
  dad,
• 17:14
  for,
• 17:14
  my
• 17:14
  great-grandfather,
• 17:15
  and,
• 17:15
  how
• 17:15
  much
• 17:16
  they
• 17:16
  may
• 17:17
  have
• 17:17
  actually
• 17:17
  done
• 17:18
  some
• 17:18
  work
• 17:18
  to
• 17:19
  untangle
• 17:19
  that
• 17:20
  and
• 17:20
  still
• 17:20
  how
• 17:22
  not
• 17:22
  effective
• 17:23
  or
• 17:23
  not
• 17:24
  as
• 17:24
  complete
• 17:24
  of
• 17:25
  work
• 17:25
  as
• 17:25
  it
• 17:26
  would
• 17:26
  have
• 17:27
  felt
• 17:27
  healthy
• 17:27
  as
• 17:27
  a
• 17:27
  child
• 17:28
  to
• 17:29
  be
• 17:29
  parented
• 17:29
  by.
• 17:30
  Right.
• 17:30
  And
• 17:31
  you
• 17:31
  look
• 17:31
  at
• 17:32
  the.
• 17:33
  The
• 17:33
  progression
• 17:34
  or
• 17:34
  the
• 17:34
  progress
• 17:35
  that
• 17:35
  we've
• 17:35
  made
• 17:36
  as
• 17:36
  a,
• 17:36
  whole?
• 17:37
  Mm-hmm.
• 17:38
  Like
• 17:38
  you
• 17:38
  said,
• 17:39
  it's
• 17:39
  different
• 17:40
  now.
• 17:41
  Mm-hmm.
• 17:41
  It's
• 17:41
  different.
• 17:42
  my
• 17:42
  father
• 17:42
  was
• 17:43
  molested
• 17:43
  as
• 17:43
  a
• 17:43
  child
• 17:44
  by
• 17:44
  an
• 17:44
  uncle
• 17:45
  and.
• 17:46
  Never
• 17:47
  went
• 17:47
  to
• 17:47
  therapy,
• 17:47
  never
• 17:48
  got
• 17:48
  help.
• 17:48
  Went
• 17:48
  to
• 17:49
  Vietnam,
• 17:49
  saw
• 17:50
  atrocities
• 17:51
  in
• 17:51
  Vietnam
• 17:52
  that
• 17:52
  he
• 17:52
  only
• 17:52
  spoke
• 17:53
  about
• 17:53
  when
• 17:53
  he
• 17:53
  was
• 17:54
  really,
• 17:54
  drunk.
• 17:55
  Yeah.
• 17:55
  And
• 17:56
  tormented
• 17:56
  And
• 17:57
  like
• 17:57
  you
• 17:57
  say,
• 17:57
  he
• 17:57
  didn't
• 17:58
  have
• 17:58
  help.
• 17:58
  He
• 17:59
  didn't.
• 18:00
  So.
• 18:02
  I,
• 18:02
  gave
• 18:02
  it
• 18:02
  a
• 18:02
  term
• 18:03
  one
• 18:03
  time
• 18:03
  and
• 18:03
  people
• 18:03
  were
• 18:04
  laughing
• 18:04
  at
• 18:04
  me
• 18:04
  so
• 18:05
  hard
• 18:06
  and
• 18:06
  it
• 18:06
  was
• 18:06
  like
• 18:06
  a
• 18:06
  PO
• 18:07
  do.
• 18:07
  Someone's
• 18:08
  like,
• 18:08
  what
• 18:08
  is
• 18:08
  a
• 18:08
  PO
• 18:08
  do?
• 18:09
  I'm
• 18:09
  like,
• 18:09
  I
• 18:09
  am
• 18:09
  a
• 18:10
  product
• 18:10
  of
• 18:10
  a
• 18:11
  completely
• 18:11
  dysfunctional
• 18:12
  upbringing.
• 18:13
  And
• 18:13
  I
• 18:13
  named
• 18:14
  it
• 18:14
  like,
• 18:14
  I
• 18:14
  was
• 18:14
  like,
• 18:14
  they're
• 18:15
  like,
• 18:15
  wow,
• 18:15
  that's
• 18:15
  so
• 18:15
  poetic,
• 18:16
  Tammy.
• 18:16
  Not,
• 18:17
  but
• 18:18
  it's
• 18:18
  like
• 18:19
  what
• 18:19
  you're
• 18:19
  seeing
• 18:20
  is
• 18:20
  a
• 18:20
  culmination
• 18:21
  of
• 18:21
  all
• 18:22
  of
• 18:22
  my
• 18:22
  experience,
• 18:23
  all
• 18:23
  of
• 18:23
  my
• 18:23
  everything.
• 18:24
  Mm-hmm.
• 18:25
  Until
• 18:25
  I
• 18:26
  say
• 18:27
  I
• 18:27
  don't
• 18:27
  wanna
• 18:27
  be
• 18:28
  like
• 18:28
  I
• 18:28
  am.
• 18:29
  you
• 18:29
  might
• 18:30
  have
• 18:30
  this,
• 18:30
  my
• 18:31
  experiences
• 18:31
  and
• 18:32
  my
• 18:32
  culmination
• 18:32
  of
• 18:32
  all
• 18:33
  of
• 18:33
  my,
• 18:34
  Yeah,
• 18:35
  and
• 18:35
  I
• 18:35
  think
• 18:35
  about,
• 18:36
  I
• 18:36
  spent
• 18:36
  a
• 18:37
  lot
• 18:37
  of
• 18:38
  my,
• 18:39
  thirties
• 18:40
  as
• 18:41
  I
• 18:41
  was
• 18:41
  starting
• 18:41
  to,
• 18:41
  well,
• 18:41
  let
• 18:42
  me
• 18:42
  backtrack.
• 18:42
  So
• 18:42
  in
• 18:42
  my
• 18:43
  childhood
• 18:43
  and
• 18:43
  early
• 18:44
  twenties,
• 18:44
  I
• 18:44
  thought
• 18:44
  my
• 18:44
  dad
• 18:45
  was
• 18:45
  the
• 18:45
  greatest
• 18:45
  dad
• 18:46
  in
• 18:46
  the
• 18:46
  world,
• 18:46
  because
• 18:47
  he
• 18:47
  thought
• 18:47
  he
• 18:47
  was
• 18:47
  the
• 18:47
  greatest
• 18:48
  dad
• 18:48
  in
• 18:48
  the
• 18:48
  world.
• 18:48
  And
• 18:49
  so
• 18:49
  I
• 18:49
  aligned
• 18:50
  myself
• 18:50
  with
• 18:50
  that.
• 18:51
  then
• 18:51
  in
• 18:51
  my
• 18:51
  thirties,
• 18:52
  as
• 18:52
  I
• 18:52
  started.
• 18:53
  Looking
• 18:54
  at,
• 18:54
  I
• 18:54
  had
• 18:54
  just
• 18:55
  gotten
• 18:55
  out
• 18:55
  of
• 18:55
  a
• 18:55
  really
• 18:56
  abusive,
• 18:56
  emotionally
• 18:57
  abusive
• 18:57
  relationship
• 18:58
  and
• 18:58
  tracing
• 18:59
  back
• 19:00
  like,
• 19:00
  it's
• 19:00
  like
• 19:00
  I'm,
• 19:00
  so
• 19:01
  smart,
• 19:01
  I
• 19:01
  have
• 19:02
  two
• 19:02
  degrees.
• 19:02
  How
• 19:03
  did
• 19:03
  this
• 19:03
  happen
• 19:03
  to
• 19:03
  me?
• 19:04
  how
• 19:04
  did
• 19:04
  I
• 19:04
  end
• 19:05
  up
• 19:06
  choosing
• 19:06
  to
• 19:06
  live
• 19:07
  with
• 19:07
  a
• 19:07
  man
• 19:07
  that
• 19:07
  was,
• 19:08
  ill
• 19:08
  tempered
• 19:08
  and.
• 19:09
  Angry
• 19:10
  alcoholic
• 19:11
  man
• 19:11
  with
• 19:11
  a
• 19:11
  handgun
• 19:12
  collection,
• 19:13
  And
• 19:13
  the
• 19:13
  danger
• 19:14
  that
• 19:14
  I
• 19:14
  had
• 19:14
  put
• 19:15
  myself
• 19:15
  in
• 19:15
  voluntarily.
• 19:16
  and
• 19:17
  as
• 19:17
  I
• 19:17
  started
• 19:17
  to
• 19:17
  trace
• 19:18
  that
• 19:18
  back,
• 19:19
  to
• 19:19
  how
• 19:19
  similar
• 19:21
  my
• 19:21
  ex's
• 19:21
  behaviors
• 19:22
  were
• 19:22
  to
• 19:22
  things
• 19:23
  that
• 19:23
  felt
• 19:23
  really
• 19:23
  familiar
• 19:24
  to
• 19:24
  me
• 19:24
  from
• 19:24
  childhood.
• 19:25
  And
• 19:25
  it
• 19:25
  was,
• 19:25
  a
• 19:25
  game.
• 19:26
  I
• 19:26
  knew
• 19:26
  how
• 19:26
  to
• 19:26
  play.
• 19:27
  It
• 19:27
  was
• 19:27
  a
• 19:27
  role.
• 19:28
  I
• 19:28
  knew
• 19:28
  how
• 19:29
  to,
• 19:29
  up
• 19:30
  until.
• 19:31
  It
• 19:31
  completely
• 19:31
  broke
• 19:32
  apart,
• 19:32
  And
• 19:32
  so
• 19:33
  when
• 19:33
  I
• 19:33
  was
• 19:33
  in
• 19:33
  my
• 19:33
  thirties
• 19:34
  and
• 19:34
  started
• 19:36
  unwinding,
• 19:38
  A
• 19:38
  lot
• 19:38
  of
• 19:39
  my
• 19:39
  dad's
• 19:39
  behaviors
• 19:40
  and
• 19:40
  how
• 19:40
  that
• 19:40
  had
• 19:40
  influenced,
• 19:41
  what
• 19:41
  I
• 19:41
  decided
• 19:42
  on
• 19:42
  for
• 19:42
  safety
• 19:42
  in
• 19:43
  my
• 19:43
  thirties
• 19:43
  was
• 19:43
  I
• 19:44
  was
• 19:44
  going
• 19:44
  to
• 19:44
  filter
• 19:45
  every
• 19:45
  decision
• 19:46
  that
• 19:46
  I
• 19:46
  made
• 19:47
  of,
• 19:48
  does
• 19:48
  this
• 19:49
  bring
• 19:49
  me
• 19:49
  closer
• 19:50
  to
• 19:50
  being
• 19:50
  like
• 19:50
  my
• 19:51
  dad?
• 19:51
  Or
• 19:51
  does
• 19:51
  this
• 19:52
  bring
• 19:52
  me
• 19:52
  closer
• 19:52
  to
• 19:52
  being
• 19:53
  different
• 19:53
  from
• 19:53
  my
• 19:53
  dad?
• 19:54
  so
• 19:54
  even
• 19:54
  things
• 19:55
  like,
• 19:55
  am
• 19:55
  I
• 19:55
  gonna
• 19:55
  have
• 19:55
  a
• 19:55
  salad
• 19:56
  for
• 19:56
  dinner?
• 19:56
  It's
• 19:56
  like
• 19:56
  my
• 19:56
  dad
• 19:56
  wouldn't
• 19:57
  let
• 19:57
  a
• 19:57
  vegetable
• 19:58
  cross,
• 19:58
  his
• 19:59
  threshold,
• 19:59
  And
• 20:00
  so
• 20:00
  every
• 20:01
  decision
• 20:01
  I
• 20:01
  was
• 20:01
  making,
• 20:02
  was
• 20:02
  sort
• 20:02
  of.
• 20:03
  Consciously
• 20:03
  being
• 20:03
  filtered
• 20:04
  through
• 20:04
  that.
• 20:05
  which
• 20:05
  was
• 20:05
  great
• 20:06
  until
• 20:06
  I
• 20:06
  realized
• 20:07
  all
• 20:07
  the
• 20:08
  ways
• 20:09
  that
• 20:09
  as
• 20:09
  a
• 20:09
  person,
• 20:10
  I
• 20:11
  was
• 20:11
  designed
• 20:12
  in
• 20:12
  some
• 20:12
  ways,
• 20:12
  like
• 20:12
  I
• 20:13
  sneezed
• 20:13
  just
• 20:14
  like
• 20:14
  my
• 20:14
  father.
• 20:14
  Like
• 20:14
  it's
• 20:14
  very
• 20:15
  loud
• 20:15
  and
• 20:16
  there's
• 20:16
  no
• 20:16
  way
• 20:16
  I
• 20:16
  can
• 20:16
  change
• 20:17
  how
• 20:17
  I
• 20:17
  sneeze.
• 20:18
  And
• 20:19
  that
• 20:19
  was
• 20:19
  very
• 20:19
  upsetting
• 20:20
  to
• 20:20
  me
• 20:20
  for
• 20:21
  a
• 20:21
  long
• 20:21
  time
• 20:22
  because
• 20:22
  I
• 20:22
  have
• 20:22
  this
• 20:22
  behavior
• 20:24
  that
• 20:24
  is
• 20:24
  so
• 20:25
  closely
• 20:25
  replicating
• 20:26
  someone
• 20:27
  that
• 20:27
  I'm
• 20:27
  trying
• 20:27
  to
• 20:27
  distance
• 20:28
  myself
• 20:29
  from.
• 20:29
  And
• 20:29
  so.
• 20:31
  learning
• 20:31
  to
• 20:31
  pull
• 20:32
  apart.
• 20:32
  What
• 20:32
  are
• 20:32
  the
• 20:33
  voluntary
• 20:33
  ways
• 20:34
  that
• 20:34
  I
• 20:34
  show
• 20:34
  up
• 20:35
  in
• 20:35
  the
• 20:35
  world
• 20:35
  and
• 20:36
  how
• 20:36
  do
• 20:36
  I
• 20:37
  define
• 20:37
  that
• 20:38
  versus
• 20:38
  what
• 20:38
  is
• 20:39
  just
• 20:39
  a
• 20:39
  human
• 20:40
  trait
• 20:40
  that
• 20:41
  I
• 20:41
  inherited
• 20:42
  from
• 20:42
  the
• 20:42
  person
• 20:42
  who
• 20:42
  I
• 20:43
  have
• 20:43
  half
• 20:43
  of
• 20:43
  his
• 20:43
  genetics.
• 20:44
  that
• 20:44
  just
• 20:45
  runs
• 20:46
  through
• 20:46
  me.
• 20:46
  And
• 20:47
  so
• 20:47
  there
• 20:47
  are
• 20:47
  gonna
• 20:47
  be
• 20:47
  things
• 20:48
  I
• 20:48
  do
• 20:49
  that
• 20:49
  are
• 20:49
  like
• 20:50
  him.
• 20:51
  I'm
• 20:51
  not
• 20:51
  gonna
• 20:52
  be
• 20:52
  able
• 20:52
  to
• 20:52
  really,
• 20:53
  those
• 20:53
  aren't
• 20:53
  the
• 20:53
  things
• 20:54
  I'm
• 20:54
  gonna
• 20:54
  spend
• 20:54
  my
• 20:54
  energy
• 20:54
  trying
• 20:55
  to
• 20:55
  change.
• 20:55
  Right.
• 20:56
  I'm
• 20:56
  gonna
• 20:56
  be
• 20:56
  working
• 20:56
  on
• 20:56
  the
• 20:57
  behaviors
• 20:57
  and
• 20:58
  the
• 20:58
  things
• 20:58
  that
• 20:58
  I
• 20:58
  don't
• 20:58
  wanna
• 20:59
  pass
• 20:59
  on
• 20:59
  anymore.
• 21:00
  Like
• 21:00
  this
• 21:00
  ends
• 21:01
  with
• 21:01
  me.
• 21:02
  Exactly.
• 21:02
  And
• 21:03
  not
• 21:03
  only
• 21:03
  that,
• 21:03
  like
• 21:03
  if
• 21:04
  you're
• 21:04
  out
• 21:04
  there
• 21:04
  listening
• 21:05
  and
• 21:05
  you're
• 21:05
  like,
• 21:05
  wow,
• 21:05
  that's
• 21:06
  a
• 21:06
  really
• 21:06
  good.
• 21:07
  Attack.
• 21:07
  Like
• 21:07
  that's
• 21:08
  a
• 21:08
  really
• 21:08
  good
• 21:08
  strategy
• 21:09
  and
• 21:09
  it
• 21:09
  really
• 21:09
  is
• 21:09
  a
• 21:09
  good
• 21:10
  strategy.
• 21:11
  But
• 21:11
  maybe
• 21:11
  if
• 21:11
  you're
• 21:11
  out
• 21:11
  there
• 21:12
  listening
• 21:12
  and
• 21:12
  you
• 21:12
  wanna
• 21:13
  turn
• 21:13
  it
• 21:13
  a
• 21:13
  different
• 21:14
  way
• 21:14
  for
• 21:14
  yourself,
• 21:15
  you
• 21:15
  could
• 21:15
  not
• 21:15
  say
• 21:15
  necessarily
• 21:16
  how
• 21:17
  I
• 21:17
  consciously
• 21:18
  make
• 21:18
  these
• 21:18
  decisions
• 21:19
  to
• 21:19
  not
• 21:19
  be
• 21:19
  like
• 21:20
  him.
• 21:21
  But
• 21:21
  maybe,
• 21:22
  I
• 21:22
  always
• 21:23
  say,
• 21:23
  this
• 21:23
  is
• 21:23
  my
• 21:24
  ultimate
• 21:24
  goal.
• 21:24
  Mm-hmm.
• 21:25
  I
• 21:25
  want
• 21:25
  peace,
• 21:26
  I
• 21:26
  want
• 21:26
  stability.
• 21:27
  I
• 21:27
  wanna
• 21:27
  be
• 21:27
  in
• 21:27
  a
• 21:27
  good
• 21:28
  relationship.
• 21:28
  I
• 21:28
  wanna
• 21:28
  have
• 21:29
  good
• 21:29
  finances.
• 21:29
  So,
• 21:30
  and
• 21:31
  take
• 21:31
  my
• 21:31
  perfect
• 21:32
  version
• 21:32
  of
• 21:32
  me
• 21:34
  and
• 21:34
  every
• 21:35
  decision
• 21:35
  I
• 21:35
  make.
• 21:38
  Knowing
• 21:39
  that
• 21:39
  it
• 21:39
  was
• 21:39
  my
• 21:39
  parents
• 21:40
  that
• 21:40
  made
• 21:41
  me
• 21:41
  have
• 21:41
  that
• 21:42
  initial
• 21:43
  reaction,
• 21:44
  Say,
• 21:45
  okay,
• 21:45
  so
• 21:45
  now
• 21:46
  I'm
• 21:46
  up
• 21:46
  against
• 21:46
  this.
• 21:47
  Do,
• 21:48
  does
• 21:48
  it
• 21:48
  bring
• 21:48
  me
• 21:49
  further
• 21:49
  to
• 21:49
  my
• 21:49
  goal
• 21:50
  of
• 21:50
  where
• 21:50
  I
• 21:50
  wanna
• 21:51
  be?
• 21:51
  Or
• 21:51
  does
• 21:51
  it
• 21:51
  bring
• 21:51
  me
• 21:51
  farther
• 21:52
  away
• 21:52
  from
• 21:52
  it?
• 21:53
  So
• 21:53
  even
• 21:53
  taking
• 21:54
  the
• 21:54
  aspect
• 21:54
  of
• 21:55
  the
• 21:55
  person
• 21:55
  that
• 21:55
  harmed
• 21:56
  you
• 21:56
  out
• 21:56
  of
• 21:56
  it
• 21:56
  is
• 21:56
  a,
• 21:57
  an
• 21:57
  amazing
• 21:57
  strategy.
• 21:58
  Yes.
• 21:59
  And
• 21:59
  I
• 21:59
  think
• 22:00
  that
• 22:00
  that
• 22:00
  is
• 22:02
  one
• 22:02
  of
• 22:02
  the
• 22:02
  things
• 22:02
  that.
• 22:04
  When
• 22:04
  I
• 22:04
  was
• 22:04
  younger,
• 22:05
  I
• 22:05
  didn't
• 22:06
  have
• 22:06
  a
• 22:07
  map,
• 22:07
  for
• 22:08
  myself
• 22:08
  that
• 22:09
  was
• 22:09
  different
• 22:09
  at
• 22:10
  all
• 22:10
  from
• 22:10
  what
• 22:10
  my
• 22:11
  dad
• 22:11
  wanted
• 22:11
  for
• 22:11
  me,
• 22:12
  because
• 22:12
  I
• 22:13
  grew
• 22:13
  up
• 22:13
  an
• 22:14
  extension
• 22:14
  of
• 22:15
  him,
• 22:15
  And
• 22:15
  so
• 22:15
  everything
• 22:16
  that
• 22:16
  I
• 22:16
  did
• 22:16
  well
• 22:17
  reflected
• 22:18
  well
• 22:18
  on
• 22:18
  him.
• 22:18
  And
• 22:19
  so
• 22:19
  he
• 22:19
  would,
• 22:19
  encourage
• 22:20
  and
• 22:20
  reward
• 22:20
  that.
• 22:21
  And
• 22:21
  the
• 22:21
  things
• 22:21
  that
• 22:21
  I
• 22:21
  did,
• 22:22
  that
• 22:22
  he
• 22:23
  either
• 22:23
  didn't
• 22:23
  resonate
• 22:24
  with,
• 22:24
  I
• 22:24
  was
• 22:25
  a
• 22:25
  writer.
• 22:25
  I
• 22:25
  mean,
• 22:26
  I
• 22:26
  am
• 22:26
  a
• 22:26
  writer,
• 22:27
  but
• 22:27
  he
• 22:27
  didn't.
• 22:28
  That
• 22:28
  didn't
• 22:29
  land
• 22:29
  with
• 22:29
  him.
• 22:30
  And
• 22:30
  so
• 22:30
  that
• 22:31
  sort
• 22:31
  of
• 22:31
  like
• 22:31
  fell
• 22:32
  by
• 22:32
  the
• 22:32
  wayside
• 22:32
  as
• 22:32
  I
• 22:33
  realized,
• 22:33
  oh,
• 22:33
  he
• 22:33
  doesn't,
• 22:34
  this,
• 22:34
  this
• 22:34
  doesn't
• 22:35
  fit
• 22:35
  with
• 22:35
  his
• 22:36
  idea
• 22:36
  of
• 22:36
  an
• 22:37
  ideal
• 22:37
  daughter.
• 22:38
  and
• 22:38
  so
• 22:39
  as
• 22:39
  I
• 22:39
  began
• 22:39
  to
• 22:41
  decide
• 22:41
  for
• 22:42
  myself
• 22:43
  what
• 22:43
  does
• 22:43
  something
• 22:44
  outside
• 22:44
  of
• 22:44
  what
• 22:45
  my
• 22:45
  dad
• 22:45
  wants
• 22:45
  for
• 22:46
  me
• 22:46
  look
• 22:46
  like
• 22:47
  and
• 22:47
  how.
• 22:48
  Am
• 22:49
  I
• 22:49
  going
• 22:49
  to
• 22:50
  execute
• 22:50
  that
• 22:50
  plan
• 22:51
  knowing
• 22:52
  he's
• 22:52
  not
• 22:52
  gonna
• 22:52
  like
• 22:53
  it,
• 22:53
  like
• 22:53
  knowing
• 22:53
  he's
• 22:53
  not
• 22:54
  gonna
• 22:54
  support
• 22:54
  it.
• 22:55
  When
• 22:55
  my
• 22:55
  whole
• 22:55
  life
• 22:56
  previously
• 22:57
  had
• 22:57
  been
• 22:58
  designing
• 22:59
  and,
• 23:00
  cutting
• 23:00
  and,
• 23:01
  really,
• 23:01
  crafting
• 23:02
  myself
• 23:03
  into
• 23:03
  the
• 23:03
  perfect
• 23:05
  mirror
• 23:05
  image
• 23:06
  of
• 23:06
  him
• 23:06
  really.
• 23:07
  And
• 23:07
  then
• 23:07
  to
• 23:07
  be
• 23:07
  like.
• 23:08
  I
• 23:08
  don't
• 23:09
  actually
• 23:09
  want
• 23:09
  to
• 23:09
  be
• 23:10
  a
• 23:10
  mirror
• 23:10
  image
• 23:11
  of
• 23:11
  my
• 23:11
  father.
• 23:11
  Right.
• 23:12
  I
• 23:12
  want,
• 23:12
  I
• 23:12
  have
• 23:13
  my
• 23:13
  own
• 23:13
  whole
• 23:14
  set
• 23:14
  of
• 23:14
  gifts
• 23:15
  and
• 23:15
  things
• 23:15
  that
• 23:15
  I
• 23:15
  came
• 23:16
  here
• 23:16
  to
• 23:16
  do,
• 23:17
  and
• 23:18
  I
• 23:18
  had
• 23:18
  to
• 23:18
  let
• 23:18
  go
• 23:19
  of
• 23:19
  the
• 23:19
  idea
• 23:20
  of
• 23:20
  getting
• 23:20
  him
• 23:20
  on
• 23:21
  board
• 23:21
  with
• 23:22
  that
• 23:22
  plan.
• 23:22
  Mm-hmm.
• 23:23
  Like
• 23:23
  he
• 23:23
  was
• 23:23
  never
• 23:23
  gonna
• 23:24
  be
• 23:24
  on
• 23:24
  board
• 23:25
  with
• 23:25
  me
• 23:26
  being
• 23:27
  different
• 23:27
  from
• 23:27
  him.
• 23:27
  He
• 23:28
  was
• 23:28
  never
• 23:28
  gonna
• 23:28
  be
• 23:29
  on
• 23:29
  board
• 23:29
  with
• 23:30
  me.
• 23:31
  Doing
• 23:32
  life
• 23:32
  in
• 23:32
  a
• 23:32
  way
• 23:33
  that
• 23:33
  he
• 23:33
  didn't
• 23:33
  understand.
• 23:34
  and
• 23:36
  I
• 23:36
  tried,
• 23:37
  there
• 23:37
  was
• 23:37
  a
• 23:37
  period
• 23:37
  of
• 23:37
  time
• 23:38
  where
• 23:38
  I
• 23:38
  tried
• 23:38
  to
• 23:38
  get
• 23:38
  him
• 23:38
  excited
• 23:39
  about,
• 23:39
  and
• 23:39
  I'm,
• 23:39
  gonna
• 23:39
  do
• 23:39
  this
• 23:40
  and
• 23:40
  I'm
• 23:40
  gonna
• 23:40
  do,
• 23:40
  and
• 23:40
  he,
• 23:41
  it
• 23:41
  always
• 23:41
  fell
• 23:41
  flat.
• 23:42
  He
• 23:42
  never,
• 23:43
  it
• 23:43
  never
• 23:43
  registered
• 23:44
  that
• 23:44
  this
• 23:44
  was
• 23:46
  a
• 23:46
  valid
• 23:46
  way
• 23:47
  to
• 23:47
  exist
• 23:48
  because
• 23:48
  it
• 23:48
  was
• 23:48
  so
• 23:48
  different
• 23:49
  from
• 23:49
  how
• 23:49
  he
• 23:49
  was
• 23:50
  existing.
• 23:50
  and
• 23:51
  I
• 23:51
  ultimately
• 23:51
  really
• 23:52
  had
• 23:52
  to
• 23:52
  decide
• 23:53
  that
• 23:53
  his.
• 23:55
  Like,
• 23:55
  not
• 23:55
  only
• 23:55
  did
• 23:55
  he
• 23:55
  not
• 23:56
  have
• 23:56
  to
• 23:56
  sign
• 23:56
  off
• 23:56
  on
• 23:56
  it,
• 23:57
  he
• 23:57
  doesn't
• 23:57
  even
• 23:57
  have
• 23:57
  to
• 23:57
  understand
• 23:58
  what
• 23:58
  I'm
• 23:58
  doing.
• 23:58
  He
• 23:58
  doesn't,
• 23:59
  and
• 23:59
  I
• 23:59
  wouldn't
• 24:00
  go
• 24:00
  to
• 24:00
  him
• 24:01
  towards
• 24:02
  the
• 24:02
  end
• 24:02
  of
• 24:02
  his
• 24:02
  life
• 24:02
  for
• 24:03
  validation
• 24:04
  or
• 24:04
  even
• 24:04
  to
• 24:04
  see
• 24:05
  me,
• 24:05
  I
• 24:05
  would
• 24:05
  tell
• 24:05
  him
• 24:06
  things
• 24:06
  about
• 24:06
  my
• 24:07
  life
• 24:08
  knowing
• 24:08
  full
• 24:09
  well
• 24:09
  it.
• 24:10
  It's
• 24:10
  not
• 24:11
  gonna
• 24:11
  land
• 24:11
  for
• 24:11
  him.
• 24:12
  He's
• 24:12
  gonna
• 24:12
  have
• 24:12
  pushback.
• 24:13
  and
• 24:13
  I'm
• 24:14
  telling
• 24:14
  him
• 24:14
  more
• 24:14
  'cause
• 24:14
  I
• 24:15
  just
• 24:15
  wanted
• 24:15
  to
• 24:15
  start
• 24:16
  showing
• 24:16
  up
• 24:16
  and
• 24:16
  be
• 24:16
  seen
• 24:17
  authentically.
• 24:19
  But
• 24:19
  I
• 24:19
  wouldn't
• 24:20
  do
• 24:20
  it
• 24:21
  with
• 24:21
  the
• 24:21
  expectation
• 24:22
  that
• 24:22
  he
• 24:22
  was
• 24:22
  ever
• 24:22
  gonna
• 24:23
  meet
• 24:23
  me
• 24:23
  in
• 24:24
  that
• 24:24
  or
• 24:24
  see
• 24:25
  clearly
• 24:26
  or
• 24:26
  approve
• 24:27
  or
• 24:27
  get
• 24:27
  it.
• 24:28
  He,
• 24:28
  was
• 24:28
  never
• 24:28
  gonna
• 24:29
  do
• 24:29
  any
• 24:29
  of
• 24:29
  those
• 24:30
  things.
• 24:31
  so
• 24:31
  I
• 24:31
  really
• 24:31
  moved
• 24:32
  who
• 24:32
  I
• 24:32
  went
• 24:32
  to
• 24:33
  for.
• 24:35
  Validation
• 24:36
  and
• 24:36
  permission.
• 24:37
  to
• 24:37
  people
• 24:37
  who
• 24:37
  really
• 24:38
  understand
• 24:38
  me,
• 24:38
  I
• 24:39
  have
• 24:39
  a
• 24:39
  post-it.
• 24:40
  I
• 24:40
  don't
• 24:40
  think
• 24:40
  I
• 24:40
  have
• 24:41
  it
• 24:41
  in
• 24:41
  my
• 24:41
  office,
• 24:41
  but
• 24:41
  I
• 24:41
  have
• 24:41
  a
• 24:41
  post-it
• 24:42
  that
• 24:42
  started
• 24:42
  with
• 24:42
  the
• 24:43
  five
• 24:43
  people
• 24:43
  whose
• 24:44
  opinions
• 24:45
  actually
• 24:46
  mattered
• 24:46
  to
• 24:46
  me.
• 24:46
  Who
• 24:47
  could,
• 24:47
  pull
• 24:47
  me
• 24:47
  by
• 24:47
  the
• 24:48
  shoulder
• 24:48
  and
• 24:48
  say,
• 24:48
  Hey,
• 24:48
  wait
• 24:49
  up.
• 24:49
  Like
• 24:49
  I
• 24:50
  need,
• 24:50
  we
• 24:51
  need
• 24:51
  to
• 24:51
  have
• 24:51
  a
• 24:51
  conversation.
• 24:52
  And
• 24:52
  if
• 24:52
  you
• 24:52
  aren't
• 24:53
  one
• 24:53
  of
• 24:53
  those
• 24:53
  five
• 24:54
  people,
• 24:54
  which
• 24:54
  included
• 24:55
  my
• 24:55
  husband,
• 24:55
  my
• 24:55
  mom,
• 24:56
  and
• 24:56
  like
• 24:56
  three
• 24:56
  very
• 24:57
  close
• 24:57
  friends,
• 24:58
  your
• 24:58
  opinion
• 24:58
  of
• 24:59
  me.
• 24:59
  I'm
• 25:00
  not
• 25:00
  taking
• 25:00
  input
• 25:01
  from
• 25:01
  everyone.
• 25:01
  Who
• 25:02
  I
• 25:02
  am
• 25:02
  as
• 25:02
  a
• 25:02
  person
• 25:03
  is
• 25:03
  not
• 25:03
  a
• 25:03
  group
• 25:03
  project
• 25:04
  for
• 25:04
  everyone
• 25:05
  to
• 25:05
  decide
• 25:05
  on.
• 25:06
  And
• 25:06
  like,
• 25:06
  we're
• 25:06
  not
• 25:06
  doing,
• 25:07
  you
• 25:08
  know,
• 25:08
  Sarah
• 25:08
  by
• 25:08
  committee.
• 25:09
  so
• 25:10
  I'm
• 25:10
  gonna
• 25:10
  do
• 25:10
  what
• 25:10
  I
• 25:10
  wanna
• 25:11
  do
• 25:11
  and
• 25:12
  these
• 25:12
  few
• 25:13
  people
• 25:13
  have
• 25:13
  permission.
• 25:15
  be
• 25:15
  like,
• 25:15
  oh,
• 25:16
  hang
• 25:16
  on,
• 25:16
  let's
• 25:16
  rethink
• 25:16
  that.
• 25:17
  But
• 25:17
  if
• 25:17
  you're
• 25:17
  not
• 25:18
  on
• 25:18
  that
• 25:18
  list,
• 25:19
  have
• 25:19
  an
• 25:19
  opinion.
• 25:20
  Think
• 25:20
  what
• 25:20
  you
• 25:20
  want,
• 25:20
  but
• 25:21
  it's
• 25:21
  not
• 25:21
  really
• 25:21
  gonna
• 25:21
  change
• 25:22
  how
• 25:22
  I
• 25:22
  move
• 25:23
  through
• 25:23
  the
• 25:23
  world
• 25:23
  in
• 25:24
  a
• 25:24
  meaningful
• 25:24
  way.
• 25:25
  And
• 25:25
  that
• 25:25
  was
• 25:25
  a
• 25:26
  big
• 25:26
  step
• 25:26
  toward
• 25:27
  freedom
• 25:27
  for
• 25:27
  me,
• 25:28
  from
• 25:28
  detangling,
• 25:29
  from
• 25:30
  just
• 25:30
  this
• 25:31
  constant
• 25:32
  set
• 25:32
  of
• 25:32
  pressures.
• 25:33
  Um,
• 25:34
  well,
• 25:34
  it's
• 25:35
  like
• 25:35
  this.
• 25:36
  It's,
• 25:37
  it's
• 25:37
  like
• 25:37
  this
• 25:37
  codependent
• 25:38
  world
• 25:38
  where
• 25:38
  you
• 25:39
  are,
• 25:39
  your
• 25:40
  happiness
• 25:40
  is
• 25:40
  dependent
• 25:41
  on
• 25:41
  what
• 25:41
  other
• 25:42
  people
• 25:42
  think,
• 25:43
  and
• 25:43
  you
• 25:43
  can't
• 25:43
  live
• 25:43
  like
• 25:44
  that.
• 25:44
  You
• 25:44
  cannot
• 25:45
  live,
• 25:47
  you
• 25:47
  just
• 25:47
  can't.
• 25:48
  You
• 25:48
  just
• 25:48
  can't.
• 25:49
  It's,
• 25:50
  it'll,
• 25:51
  it'll
• 25:51
  drag
• 25:51
  you
• 25:51
  down
• 25:52
  and
• 25:52
  you
• 25:52
  can't
• 25:52
  ever,
• 25:53
  especially
• 25:53
  when
• 25:53
  you're
• 25:53
  dealing
• 25:54
  with
• 25:54
  someone
• 25:54
  that
• 25:54
  is
• 25:55
  so
• 25:55
  rigid
• 25:56
  and
• 25:56
  so
• 25:56
  stuck
• 25:57
  in
• 25:57
  their
• 25:57
  ways
• 25:57
  and
• 25:58
  drinking
• 25:59
  and
• 25:59
  not
• 26:00
  even
• 26:00
  being
• 26:00
  there
• 26:01
  half
• 26:01
  the
• 26:01
  time.
• 26:03
  You
• 26:03
  can't
• 26:03
  try
• 26:03
  to
• 26:04
  live
• 26:04
  around
• 26:04
  those
• 26:04
  standards
• 26:05
  and
• 26:05
  you,
• 26:05
  you
• 26:05
  just
• 26:06
  have
• 26:06
  to
• 26:06
  be
• 26:06
  your
• 26:06
  own
• 26:06
  person.
• 26:07
  Absolutely.
• 26:08
  But
• 26:08
  what
• 26:08
  would
• 26:08
  you
• 26:08
  say
• 26:09
  is,
• 26:10
  so
• 26:10
  let's
• 26:10
  say
• 26:10
  you're
• 26:10
  listening
• 26:11
  to
• 26:11
  this
• 26:11
  and
• 26:11
  we
• 26:11
  do
• 26:12
  have
• 26:12
  a
• 26:12
  lot
• 26:12
  of
• 26:12
  people,
• 26:12
  I
• 26:12
  get
• 26:13
  a
• 26:13
  lot
• 26:13
  of
• 26:13
  comments
• 26:13
  that
• 26:14
  people
• 26:14
  are
• 26:14
  just
• 26:14
  now,
• 26:15
  they're
• 26:15
  in
• 26:15
  their
• 26:15
  thirties,
• 26:16
  forties,
• 26:16
  fifties
• 26:16
  and
• 26:16
  sixties,
• 26:17
  just
• 26:17
  realizing
• 26:18
  how
• 26:19
  incredibly
• 26:19
  unhealthy
• 26:20
  their
• 26:20
  family
• 26:21
  was.
• 26:21
  Yeah.
• 26:23
  What
• 26:23
  do
• 26:23
  you
• 26:23
  give
• 26:24
  them
• 26:24
  as
• 26:24
  the
• 26:24
  first
• 26:25
  step
• 26:26
  to
• 26:27
  their
• 26:27
  first
• 26:28
  act
• 26:28
  of
• 26:28
  permission?
• 26:29
  What
• 26:29
  is
• 26:29
  it?
• 26:30
  Oh,
• 26:30
  I
• 26:30
  think
• 26:31
  it's
• 26:31
  to
• 26:31
  grieve
• 26:31
  the
• 26:32
  family
• 26:32
  that
• 26:32
  you
• 26:32
  didn't
• 26:33
  get.
• 26:33
  You
• 26:34
  know?
• 26:34
  It
• 26:34
  is
• 26:34
  so
• 26:36
  sad.
• 26:37
  It,
• 26:37
  I,
• 26:38
  I
• 26:38
  mean,
• 26:38
  it
• 26:38
  is
• 26:38
  so,
• 26:39
  it
• 26:39
  is
• 26:39
  sad.
• 26:40
  I
• 26:40
  was
• 26:40
  sad
• 26:40
  before
• 26:41
  I
• 26:41
  was
• 26:41
  mad.
• 26:42
  and
• 26:42
  I
• 26:42
  was
• 26:42
  sad
• 26:43
  because
• 26:46
  I,
• 26:46
  and,
• 26:46
  and
• 26:46
  it
• 26:47
  really
• 26:47
  came
• 26:47
  about
• 26:47
  for
• 26:48
  me
• 26:48
  seeing
• 26:48
  my
• 26:48
  husband,
• 26:49
  interacting
• 26:50
  with
• 26:50
  his
• 26:50
  family
• 26:51
  and
• 26:51
  how,
• 26:51
  and
• 26:52
  every
• 26:52
  family's
• 26:52
  kind
• 26:53
  of
• 26:53
  nuts
• 26:53
  in
• 26:53
  their
• 26:53
  own
• 26:53
  way.
• 26:54
  But
• 26:54
  how,
• 26:55
  um.
• 26:56
  Generous,
• 26:56
  they
• 26:57
  were
• 26:57
  with
• 26:57
  each
• 26:57
  other
• 26:58
  and
• 26:58
  how
• 26:58
  much
• 26:59
  freedom
• 26:59
  they
• 27:00
  had,
• 27:00
  for
• 27:00
  each
• 27:01
  of
• 27:01
  my,
• 27:01
  husband
• 27:02
  and
• 27:02
  his
• 27:02
  brothers,
• 27:02
  as
• 27:03
  children
• 27:03
  to
• 27:03
  be
• 27:04
  their
• 27:04
  full
• 27:05
  self
• 27:05
  from
• 27:05
  their
• 27:06
  parents
• 27:06
  and
• 27:06
  how
• 27:07
  proud,
• 27:08
  my
• 27:08
  in-laws
• 27:09
  are
• 27:09
  of
• 27:09
  each
• 27:10
  of
• 27:10
  their
• 27:10
  children.
• 27:11
  and
• 27:11
  I
• 27:12
  remember
• 27:12
  just
• 27:12
  feeling
• 27:13
  this
• 27:13
  overwhelming
• 27:15
  sadness,
• 27:16
  that
• 27:16
  that
• 27:16
  is
• 27:16
  not
• 27:18
  the.
• 27:19
  Environment
• 27:20
  that
• 27:20
  I
• 27:20
  got
• 27:21
  to
• 27:21
  grow
• 27:21
  up
• 27:21
  in
• 27:22
  and,
• 27:22
  feeling
• 27:22
  like
• 27:22
  what
• 27:23
  could
• 27:23
  I
• 27:23
  have
• 27:24
  done
• 27:26
  if
• 27:26
  I
• 27:26
  had
• 27:27
  had
• 27:27
  that
• 27:27
  level
• 27:27
  of
• 27:28
  support?
• 27:28
  Like
• 27:28
  who
• 27:29
  could
• 27:29
  I
• 27:29
  be
• 27:30
  without
• 27:30
  all
• 27:31
  of
• 27:31
  that
• 27:31
  struggle
• 27:32
  attached?
• 27:32
  and
• 27:33
  so
• 27:33
  I.
• 27:34
  Realizing
• 27:35
  that,
• 27:36
  I
• 27:36
  mean,
• 27:36
  you
• 27:36
  get
• 27:36
  the,
• 27:36
  you
• 27:37
  get
• 27:37
  born
• 27:37
  into
• 27:37
  the
• 27:37
  family,
• 27:38
  you
• 27:38
  get
• 27:38
  born
• 27:38
  into,
• 27:39
  and,
• 27:39
  and
• 27:40
  children
• 27:41
  are
• 27:41
  so
• 27:41
  smart.
• 27:42
  Like
• 27:42
  you,
• 27:42
  you
• 27:42
  just
• 27:43
  cannot
• 27:43
  convince
• 27:44
  me
• 27:44
  otherwise.
• 27:44
  we
• 27:45
  learned
• 27:45
  survival
• 27:46
  strategies
• 27:46
  so
• 27:47
  early
• 27:48
  and
• 27:48
  they're
• 27:48
  so
• 27:48
  smart.
• 27:49
  We're,
• 27:49
  I
• 27:49
  mean,
• 27:49
  like
• 27:50
  I
• 27:50
  learned
• 27:50
  how
• 27:50
  to,
• 27:52
  read
• 27:52
  my
• 27:52
  dad's
• 27:53
  emotions
• 27:53
  and.
• 27:54
  Stop
• 27:55
  the
• 27:55
  storms
• 27:55
  and
• 27:55
  kind
• 27:56
  of
• 27:56
  do
• 27:56
  this
• 27:56
  buffering,
• 27:56
  and
• 27:57
  I
• 27:57
  was
• 27:57
  so
• 27:57
  good
• 27:58
  at
• 27:58
  it.
• 27:58
  but
• 27:59
  the
• 27:59
  skills
• 28:00
  that
• 28:00
  I
• 28:00
  learned,
• 28:01
  that
• 28:01
  really,
• 28:02
  truly
• 28:02
  kept
• 28:03
  me
• 28:03
  safe,
• 28:04
  kept
• 28:04
  me,
• 28:04
  um,
• 28:05
  thriving
• 28:06
  in
• 28:06
  a
• 28:06
  really
• 28:07
  chaotic
• 28:07
  environment
• 28:09
  in
• 28:09
  childhood,
• 28:10
  became
• 28:11
  things
• 28:11
  that
• 28:12
  did
• 28:13
  not
• 28:13
  work
• 28:14
  or
• 28:14
  were
• 28:14
  setting
• 28:14
  me
• 28:15
  up,
• 28:15
  in
• 28:15
  situations
• 28:16
  that
• 28:16
  I
• 28:16
  had
• 28:16
  no
• 28:17
  business
• 28:17
  replicating
• 28:18
  in
• 28:18
  adulthood.
• 28:19
  And
• 28:19
  so,
• 28:20
  yeah.
• 28:21
  Yeah,
• 28:21
  I,
• 28:22
  I
• 28:22
  think
• 28:22
  it's
• 28:22
  first
• 28:23
  grieving
• 28:24
  and,
• 28:24
  and
• 28:24
  really
• 28:25
  it's,
• 28:25
  it
• 28:25
  is
• 28:25
  not
• 28:26
  fair.
• 28:26
  It
• 28:26
  is,
• 28:27
  it
• 28:27
  is
• 28:27
  so
• 28:27
  crummy
• 28:28
  that
• 28:28
  children
• 28:29
  get
• 28:29
  born
• 28:29
  into
• 28:30
  these,
• 28:30
  really
• 28:31
  chaotic
• 28:31
  dynamics
• 28:32
  and
• 28:32
  then
• 28:32
  have
• 28:33
  to
• 28:33
  learn
• 28:33
  how
• 28:34
  to
• 28:34
  by
• 28:34
  themselves,
• 28:35
  you
• 28:36
  know,
• 28:36
  learn
• 28:36
  how
• 28:36
  to
• 28:38
  navigate
• 28:39
  the
• 28:39
  chaos.
• 28:40
  So
• 28:40
  grieving
• 28:41
  that,
• 28:41
  and
• 28:41
  then
• 28:42
  I
• 28:42
  descended
• 28:42
  into
• 28:42
  anger
• 28:43
  for
• 28:43
  a
• 28:43
  good
• 28:44
  bit,
• 28:44
  you
• 28:44
  know?
• 28:45
  Um,
• 28:45
  and
• 28:45
  once
• 28:46
  the
• 28:46
  anger
• 28:46
  kind
• 28:47
  of
• 28:47
  consolidated
• 28:48
  and
• 28:48
  the
• 28:48
  anger
• 28:48
  was
• 28:49
  really
• 28:49
  a
• 28:49
  reaction
• 28:50
  to
• 28:50
  the
• 28:50
  injustice,
• 28:51
  and
• 28:51
  I
• 28:52
  think
• 28:52
  children
• 28:52
  that
• 28:53
  grow
• 28:53
  up
• 28:53
  in
• 28:54
  dysfunction
• 28:55
  very
• 28:56
  often
• 28:56
  have
• 28:56
  a
• 28:56
  really
• 28:57
  sensitive,
• 28:58
  uh,
• 28:58
  like
• 28:59
  finger
• 28:59
  on
• 28:59
  the
• 28:59
  pulse
• 28:59
  of
• 28:59
  what's
• 29:00
  just
• 29:00
  and
• 29:00
  unjust.
• 29:01
  I
• 29:01
  wasn't
• 29:02
  allowed
• 29:02
  to
• 29:02
  express
• 29:02
  anger
• 29:03
  as
• 29:03
  a
• 29:03
  child,
• 29:04
  right.
• 29:04
  Because
• 29:04
  that
• 29:05
  was
• 29:05
  just,
• 29:05
  that
• 29:05
  was
• 29:06
  gonna
• 29:06
  destabilize
• 29:07
  the
• 29:07
  entire
• 29:07
  safety
• 29:07
  of
• 29:08
  the
• 29:08
  house.
• 29:08
  And
• 29:08
  so
• 29:09
  befriending
• 29:11
  that
• 29:11
  anger,
• 29:12
  and
• 29:12
  allowing
• 29:13
  myself
• 29:13
  to
• 29:14
  say
• 29:14
  things
• 29:14
  like,
• 29:14
  this
• 29:15
  was
• 29:15
  not
• 29:15
  fair.
• 29:16
  My
• 29:16
  God,
• 29:16
  that
• 29:16
  was
• 29:16
  so
• 29:16
  fucked
• 29:17
  up.
• 29:17
  Like,
• 29:18
  what
• 29:18
  are
• 29:18
  we
• 29:18
  doing
• 29:18
  here?
• 29:19
  was
• 29:19
  really
• 29:20
  a
• 29:20
  part
• 29:20
  of
• 29:22
  naming
• 29:23
  out
• 29:23
  loud.
• 29:24
  Mm-hmm.
• 29:24
  You
• 29:24
  know,
• 29:24
  because
• 29:24
  I
• 29:24
  think
• 29:24
  one
• 29:25
  of
• 29:25
  the
• 29:25
  things,
• 29:25
  another
• 29:26
  thing
• 29:26
  that
• 29:26
  is
• 29:26
  very
• 29:27
  common
• 29:27
  in
• 29:27
  dysfunctional
• 29:28
  families
• 29:28
  is.
• 29:29
  There
• 29:29
  is
• 29:30
  a
• 29:30
  set
• 29:31
  of
• 29:31
  rules
• 29:31
  that
• 29:31
  we
• 29:32
  never,
• 29:32
  the
• 29:32
  family
• 29:33
  doesn't
• 29:33
  name,
• 29:33
  but
• 29:34
  the
• 29:34
  entire
• 29:34
  family
• 29:34
  lives
• 29:35
  by,
• 29:35
  right?
• 29:35
  Right.
• 29:35
  And
• 29:36
  one
• 29:36
  of
• 29:36
  those
• 29:36
  rules
• 29:37
  almost
• 29:38
  across
• 29:38
  the
• 29:38
  board
• 29:39
  is
• 29:39
  secrecy,
• 29:39
  where
• 29:40
  you
• 29:40
  just
• 29:40
  don't
• 29:40
  name
• 29:41
  the
• 29:41
  thing
• 29:42
  clearly.
• 29:42
  You
• 29:42
  don't
• 29:43
  say,
• 29:44
  mom
• 29:44
  has
• 29:44
  a
• 29:44
  drinking
• 29:45
  problem,
• 29:45
  dad
• 29:46
  has
• 29:46
  an
• 29:46
  anger
• 29:47
  problem.
• 29:47
  uncle
• 29:48
  is
• 29:48
  a
• 29:48
  molester.
• 29:49
  Or
• 29:49
  you,
• 29:49
  you
• 29:49
  just
• 29:49
  don't
• 29:50
  say
• 29:51
  Right.
• 29:51
  Truly
• 29:52
  what
• 29:52
  is
• 29:53
  happening.
• 29:53
  And
• 29:54
  so.
• 29:55
  I
• 29:55
  started
• 29:56
  to
• 29:56
  name
• 29:57
  in
• 29:58
  a,
• 29:58
  you
• 29:58
  know,
• 29:58
  and
• 29:58
  I
• 29:58
  started
• 29:59
  out
• 29:59
  a
• 29:59
  little
• 29:59
  more
• 30:00
  metaphorically,
• 30:00
  or
• 30:00
  you
• 30:00
  kind
• 30:01
  of
• 30:01
  have
• 30:01
  to
• 30:01
  like
• 30:01
  work
• 30:01
  your
• 30:01
  way
• 30:02
  into
• 30:02
  it.
• 30:02
  Right.
• 30:02
  You
• 30:02
  know.
• 30:03
  And
• 30:03
  how
• 30:03
  old,
• 30:03
  do
• 30:03
  you
• 30:03
  mind
• 30:04
  if
• 30:04
  I
• 30:04
  ask
• 30:04
  how
• 30:04
  old
• 30:04
  you
• 30:05
  were
• 30:05
  when
• 30:05
  this
• 30:05
  process
• 30:06
  started
• 30:06
  for
• 30:06
  you?
• 30:07
  So
• 30:07
  probably
• 30:08
  like
• 30:08
  in
• 30:08
  my
• 30:08
  thirties,
• 30:09
  in
• 30:10
  and
• 30:10
  in
• 30:10
  therapy
• 30:11
  and
• 30:12
  I
• 30:12
  had
• 30:12
  to
• 30:12
  work
• 30:12
  my
• 30:13
  way
• 30:13
  into
• 30:13
  saying
• 30:14
  very
• 30:14
  clearly,
• 30:15
  my
• 30:16
  dad.
• 30:17
  Was
• 30:18
  emotionally
• 30:19
  abusive.
• 30:20
  Like
• 30:20
  that's
• 30:20
  the
• 30:20
  clearest
• 30:21
  distillation.
• 30:21
  But
• 30:22
  that
• 30:22
  took
• 30:22
  me
• 30:22
  a
• 30:22
  long
• 30:23
  time
• 30:23
  because
• 30:23
  he's
• 30:23
  still
• 30:23
  my
• 30:24
  father.
• 30:24
  He's
• 30:24
  still,
• 30:25
  there
• 30:25
  are
• 30:25
  things
• 30:25
  he
• 30:25
  did
• 30:26
  that
• 30:26
  were
• 30:26
  loving,
• 30:27
  um,
• 30:27
  you
• 30:28
  know.
• 30:29
  When
• 30:29
  I
• 30:29
  was
• 30:30
  in
• 30:30
  my
• 30:30
  twenties,
• 30:30
  I
• 30:30
  had
• 30:31
  a
• 30:31
  cat
• 30:31
  that
• 30:31
  was
• 30:32
  very
• 30:32
  sick
• 30:32
  and
• 30:33
  had
• 30:33
  to
• 30:33
  be,
• 30:33
  um,
• 30:33
  fed
• 30:34
  through
• 30:34
  a
• 30:34
  nose
• 30:34
  tube
• 30:35
  five
• 30:35
  times
• 30:36
  a
• 30:36
  day
• 30:36
  and
• 30:37
  I
• 30:37
  had
• 30:37
  to
• 30:37
  go
• 30:37
  to
• 30:37
  work.
• 30:37
  And
• 30:37
  he
• 30:38
  came
• 30:39
  over
• 30:39
  and
• 30:39
  he
• 30:39
  hand
• 30:39
  fed
• 30:40
  this
• 30:40
  cat
• 30:40
  two
• 30:41
  times
• 30:41
  in
• 30:41
  the
• 30:41
  afternoon,
• 30:42
  like
• 30:43
  while
• 30:43
  I
• 30:43
  was
• 30:43
  at
• 30:43
  work
• 30:44
  for
• 30:44
  two
• 30:44
  weeks.
• 30:45
  I
• 30:45
  mean,
• 30:45
  it
• 30:45
  was
• 30:46
  incredibly
• 30:46
  loving
• 30:47
  thing
• 30:47
  that
• 30:47
  he
• 30:47
  did
• 30:47
  for
• 30:48
  me.
• 30:48
  Um,
• 30:50
  and
• 30:51
  he
• 30:51
  was
• 30:51
  very
• 30:51
  harmful
• 30:52
  for
• 30:52
  a
• 30:52
  lot
• 30:52
  of
• 30:52
  my
• 30:53
  childhood.
• 30:53
  And
• 30:54
  so.
• 30:55
  Trying
• 30:55
  to
• 30:55
  pull
• 30:56
  all
• 30:56
  those
• 30:56
  apart
• 30:56
  and
• 30:57
  name
• 30:57
  them
• 30:57
  very
• 30:58
  clearly
• 30:58
  and
• 30:58
  name
• 30:58
  all
• 30:58
  the
• 30:59
  parts,
• 30:59
  became
• 31:01
  a
• 31:01
  way
• 31:02
  to
• 31:03
  get
• 31:04
  clearer
• 31:05
  on
• 31:06
  These
• 31:06
  are
• 31:06
  the,
• 31:06
  these
• 31:07
  are
• 31:07
  the
• 31:07
  things
• 31:07
  that
• 31:08
  are
• 31:08
  good
• 31:09
  and
• 31:10
  these
• 31:10
  are
• 31:10
  the
• 31:10
  things
• 31:10
  that
• 31:10
  were
• 31:10
  harmful
• 31:11
  and
• 31:11
  all
• 31:12
  of
• 31:12
  them
• 31:12
  are
• 31:12
  true.
• 31:13
  They
• 31:13
  don't
• 31:13
  cancel
• 31:14
  each
• 31:14
  other
• 31:14
  out.
• 31:15
  Um,
• 31:15
  they
• 31:15
  all
• 31:16
  are
• 31:16
  still
• 31:16
  things
• 31:17
  that
• 31:17
  were
• 31:17
  a
• 31:17
  part
• 31:18
  of
• 31:18
  my
• 31:18
  experience
• 31:19
  of
• 31:19
  him.
• 31:20
  Um.
• 31:22
  Yeah,
• 31:22
  so
• 31:22
  I
• 31:23
  would
• 31:23
  say
• 31:23
  breaking
• 31:23
  the
• 31:23
  secrecy
• 31:24
  and
• 31:24
  starting
• 31:25
  to
• 31:25
  say
• 31:25
  very
• 31:25
  clearly
• 31:27
  this,
• 31:27
  this
• 31:28
  is
• 31:28
  who
• 31:28
  this
• 31:28
  person
• 31:28
  was,
• 31:29
  these
• 31:29
  are
• 31:29
  their
• 31:29
  behaviors,
• 31:30
  this
• 31:30
  is
• 31:30
  what
• 31:30
  they
• 31:30
  did.
• 31:31
  Um,
• 31:32
  without
• 31:33
  trying
• 31:33
  to
• 31:34
  soften,
• 31:34
  it
• 31:35
  became
• 31:36
  a
• 31:36
  way
• 31:36
  that
• 31:36
  I
• 31:37
  trained
• 31:37
  myself
• 31:38
  to
• 31:38
  see
• 31:38
  my
• 31:38
  childhood
• 31:39
  more
• 31:39
  clearly.
• 31:40
  Right.
• 31:41
  Yeah.
• 31:41
  Because
• 31:41
  some
• 31:41
  people
• 31:41
  don't,
• 31:42
  it's
• 31:42
  very
• 31:42
  hard
• 31:42
  to
• 31:42
  say
• 31:42
  that,
• 31:43
  and
• 31:43
  some
• 31:43
  people,
• 31:43
  they
• 31:43
  do
• 31:44
  that
• 31:44
  comparison
• 31:45
  Well,
• 31:45
  so
• 31:45
  and
• 31:45
  so
• 31:46
  had
• 31:46
  it
• 31:46
  so
• 31:46
  much
• 31:46
  worse,
• 31:47
  or
• 31:47
  it
• 31:47
  wasn't
• 31:47
  that
• 31:47
  bad.
• 31:48
  I
• 31:49
  think
• 31:49
  I've
• 31:49
  probably
• 31:49
  said
• 31:49
  on
• 31:50
  this
• 31:50
  podcast
• 31:50
  795,000
• 31:52
  times.
• 31:53
  If
• 31:53
  it
• 31:53
  changed
• 31:54
  the
• 31:54
  way
• 31:54
  you
• 31:54
  looked
• 31:54
  at
• 31:54
  the
• 31:54
  world
• 31:55
  and
• 31:55
  it
• 31:55
  changed
• 31:55
  the
• 31:55
  way
• 31:56
  you
• 31:56
  looked
• 31:56
  at
• 31:56
  yourself
• 31:57
  or
• 31:57
  how
• 31:58
  you
• 31:58
  are
• 31:58
  showing
• 31:58
  up
• 31:58
  in
• 31:59
  the
• 31:59
  world
• 31:59
  today,
• 32:01
  whether
• 32:02
  it's
• 32:02
  Big
• 32:02
  T,
• 32:02
  little
• 32:03
  T,
• 32:03
  middle
• 32:03
  T
• 32:03
  trauma,
• 32:04
  it
• 32:04
  doesn't
• 32:04
  matter.
• 32:05
  None
• 32:05
  of
• 32:05
  that
• 32:05
  gives
• 32:05
  a
• 32:05
  shit.
• 32:06
  It
• 32:06
  was
• 32:06
  trauma
• 32:07
  and
• 32:07
  it
• 32:07
  needs
• 32:07
  to
• 32:07
  be
• 32:07
  resolved
• 32:09
  and
• 32:09
  released
• 32:09
  and
• 32:09
  let
• 32:10
  go.
• 32:10
  Like
• 32:11
  that's
• 32:11
  the
• 32:11
  bottom
• 32:11
  line.
• 32:12
  So
• 32:13
  you
• 32:13
  know,
• 32:13
  if
• 32:13
  you
• 32:14
  have
• 32:14
  something.
• 32:16
  Yeah,
• 32:16
  you
• 32:16
  have
• 32:16
  to,
• 32:16
  you
• 32:16
  have
• 32:17
  to
• 32:17
  name
• 32:17
  it,
• 32:17
  you
• 32:17
  have
• 32:17
  to
• 32:17
  say
• 32:18
  this,
• 32:18
  this
• 32:18
  was
• 32:19
  trauma,
• 32:19
  this
• 32:19
  was
• 32:19
  abuse,
• 32:20
  this
• 32:20
  was
• 32:20
  neglect.
• 32:21
  Whatever
• 32:21
  it,
• 32:21
  it
• 32:22
  is,
• 32:22
  and
• 32:22
  that
• 32:23
  is
• 32:23
  not
• 32:23
  easy.
• 32:24
  That
• 32:24
  is
• 32:24
  a
• 32:24
  very,
• 32:24
  very
• 32:25
  difficult
• 32:25
  step,
• 32:27
  you
• 32:27
  know?
• 32:28
  I
• 32:28
  think
• 32:28
  about
• 32:29
  the
• 32:29
  psychology
• 32:30
  around,
• 32:31
  you
• 32:31
  know,
• 32:31
  there's
• 32:31
  this,
• 32:32
  there's
• 32:32
  a
• 32:32
  study
• 32:32
  and
• 32:33
  I,
• 32:33
  I
• 32:33
  don't
• 32:33
  have
• 32:34
  the
• 32:34
  name
• 32:34
  of
• 32:34
  it,
• 32:34
  but,
• 32:35
  um,
• 32:35
  where
• 32:36
  they
• 32:36
  looked
• 32:36
  at
• 32:36
  kids'
• 32:37
  reactions
• 32:38
  to,
• 32:39
  um,
• 32:39
  if
• 32:39
  someone
• 32:39
  said
• 32:39
  something
• 32:40
  mean
• 32:40
  about
• 32:41
  them,
• 32:41
  um,
• 32:42
  as
• 32:42
  a
• 32:42
  child
• 32:43
  versus
• 32:43
  if,
• 32:43
  if
• 32:43
  someone
• 32:44
  said
• 32:44
  something
• 32:45
  negative
• 32:45
  about
• 32:46
  one
• 32:46
  of
• 32:46
  their
• 32:46
  parents,
• 32:47
  the.
• 32:48
  Inte
• 32:48
  intellectual
• 32:49
  or
• 32:49
  the,
• 32:49
  the
• 32:49
  brain's
• 32:50
  reaction
• 32:51
  to
• 32:51
  being
• 32:52
  told
• 32:52
  something
• 32:52
  negative
• 32:53
  about
• 32:53
  yourself
• 32:53
  versus
• 32:54
  being
• 32:54
  told
• 32:54
  something
• 32:55
  negative
• 32:55
  about
• 32:55
  your
• 32:56
  caregiver
• 32:57
  was
• 32:57
  much
• 32:57
  stronger
• 32:58
  about
• 32:59
  your
• 32:59
  caregiver.
• 33:00
  Because
• 33:00
  as
• 33:00
  children
• 33:01
  we
• 33:01
  recognize
• 33:03
  these
• 33:03
  are
• 33:03
  the
• 33:03
  people
• 33:04
  that
• 33:05
  provide
• 33:05
  some
• 33:06
  measure
• 33:06
  of
• 33:06
  safety,
• 33:07
  even
• 33:07
  while
• 33:08
  they
• 33:08
  are
• 33:08
  providing,
• 33:09
  you
• 33:09
  know,
• 33:09
  equal
• 33:10
  measures
• 33:10
  of
• 33:10
  harm.
• 33:11
  They
• 33:11
  are,
• 33:11
  this
• 33:11
  is
• 33:11
  still
• 33:12
  the.
• 33:12
  A
• 33:13
  person
• 33:13
  or
• 33:14
  people
• 33:14
  that
• 33:14
  I
• 33:14
  am
• 33:14
  attached
• 33:15
  to
• 33:16
  for,
• 33:17
  my
• 33:17
  survival,
• 33:18
  at
• 33:18
  least
• 33:18
  until
• 33:18
  I'm
• 33:19
  an
• 33:19
  adult.
• 33:19
  And
• 33:19
  so
• 33:21
  learning
• 33:22
  to.
• 33:23
  Tell
• 33:23
  the
• 33:24
  truth
• 33:25
  about
• 33:25
  my
• 33:26
  own
• 33:26
  father
• 33:26
  meant
• 33:27
  I
• 33:27
  had
• 33:28
  to
• 33:28
  like
• 33:28
  access
• 33:29
  that
• 33:29
  part
• 33:29
  of
• 33:29
  my
• 33:30
  brain
• 33:30
  that
• 33:30
  was
• 33:31
  reacting
• 33:32
  still
• 33:32
  from
• 33:33
  a
• 33:33
  place
• 33:33
  of
• 33:33
  protecting
• 33:34
  my
• 33:34
  caregiver.
• 33:35
  Even
• 33:36
  in
• 33:36
  my
• 33:36
  thirties
• 33:36
  when
• 33:36
  I
• 33:36
  made
• 33:37
  my
• 33:37
  own
• 33:37
  money,
• 33:37
  I
• 33:37
  had
• 33:37
  my
• 33:37
  own
• 33:38
  house.
• 33:38
  Not
• 33:38
  dependent
• 33:39
  on
• 33:39
  him
• 33:39
  whatsoever.
• 33:40
  Still
• 33:41
  had
• 33:41
  to
• 33:41
  undo
• 33:42
  that,
• 33:42
  that
• 33:42
  childhood.
• 33:44
  Lock
• 33:45
  or
• 33:45
  connection
• 33:46
  that
• 33:46
  I
• 33:46
  had
• 33:47
  to
• 33:47
  protecting
• 33:48
  my
• 33:48
  relationship
• 33:48
  with
• 33:49
  my
• 33:49
  caregiver
• 33:49
  for
• 33:49
  my
• 33:50
  own
• 33:50
  safety,
• 33:50
  you
• 33:51
  know,
• 33:51
  which
• 33:51
  is
• 33:51
  so
• 33:51
  embedded.
• 33:52
  And
• 33:53
  that
• 33:54
  took
• 33:54
  a
• 33:54
  lot.
• 33:55
  It
• 33:56
  does
• 33:56
  take
• 33:56
  a
• 33:56
  lot.
• 33:56
  And
• 33:56
  that's
• 33:57
  the
• 33:57
  basis,
• 33:58
  the
• 33:58
  basic
• 33:59
  premise
• 33:59
  of
• 34:00
  what
• 34:01
  happens
• 34:01
  when
• 34:01
  you're
• 34:01
  a
• 34:01
  child,
• 34:02
  and,
• 34:02
  and
• 34:02
  you
• 34:02
  said
• 34:03
  it
• 34:03
  very
• 34:03
  perfectly,
• 34:04
  is
• 34:04
  that
• 34:05
  you,
• 34:05
  your
• 34:06
  brain
• 34:06
  is
• 34:06
  never
• 34:06
  going
• 34:07
  to
• 34:07
  let
• 34:07
  you
• 34:09
  admit
• 34:09
  that
• 34:09
  the
• 34:10
  people
• 34:10
  that
• 34:10
  you
• 34:10
  are
• 34:10
  dependent
• 34:11
  on
• 34:11
  for
• 34:11
  your
• 34:12
  life
• 34:12
  are
• 34:13
  wrong.
• 34:14
  That
• 34:14
  is
• 34:14
  how
• 34:14
  it
• 34:14
  all
• 34:15
  flips
• 34:15
  around
• 34:15
  and
• 34:16
  oh,
• 34:16
  it
• 34:16
  must
• 34:16
  be
• 34:16
  me.
• 34:17
  That
• 34:17
  is
• 34:18
  how
• 34:18
  we
• 34:18
  start
• 34:18
  internalizing,
• 34:19
  oh,
• 34:19
  it
• 34:19
  can't
• 34:19
  be
• 34:20
  them
• 34:21
  because
• 34:21
  you
• 34:21
  need
• 34:21
  them.
• 34:22
  You
• 34:22
  do
• 34:22
  depend
• 34:22
  on
• 34:23
  them
• 34:24
  and,
• 34:25
  and
• 34:25
  so
• 34:25
  you
• 34:25
  flip
• 34:25
  it
• 34:26
  around
• 34:26
  to,
• 34:26
  something
• 34:27
  is
• 34:27
  wrong
• 34:27
  with
• 34:27
  me
• 34:28
  'cause
• 34:28
  it
• 34:28
  can't
• 34:28
  be
• 34:29
  them.
• 34:29
  And
• 34:30
  that's
• 34:30
  where
• 34:30
  all
• 34:30
  that
• 34:30
  subconscious
• 34:31
  rewiring
• 34:32
  comes
• 34:32
  in.
• 34:32
  That's
• 34:33
  where
• 34:33
  it
• 34:33
  needs
• 34:33
  to
• 34:33
  come
• 34:33
  out.
• 34:34
  That's
• 34:34
  where
• 34:34
  you
• 34:34
  need
• 34:34
  to
• 34:34
  do
• 34:34
  the
• 34:35
  inner
• 34:35
  child
• 34:35
  work
• 34:35
  and
• 34:36
  you
• 34:36
  need
• 34:36
  to,
• 34:37
  you
• 34:37
  know,
• 34:37
  you
• 34:37
  need
• 34:37
  to
• 34:37
  really
• 34:38
  dig
• 34:38
  deep
• 34:39
  because
• 34:40
  yeah,
• 34:40
  your
• 34:40
  brain
• 34:40
  is
• 34:41
  not
• 34:41
  gonna
• 34:41
  let
• 34:41
  you
• 34:41
  do
• 34:41
  that.
• 34:41
  Your
• 34:42
  brain
• 34:42
  is
• 34:42
  there
• 34:42
  to
• 34:42
  protect
• 34:43
  you.
• 34:43
  Right.
• 34:44
  And
• 34:44
  it's
• 34:45
  there
• 34:45
  to
• 34:45
  protect
• 34:45
  you,
• 34:46
  you
• 34:46
  know,
• 34:46
  as
• 34:46
  a
• 34:46
  kid,
• 34:47
  again,
• 34:47
  going
• 34:48
  back
• 34:48
  to
• 34:48
  just
• 34:48
  the
• 34:48
  eternal
• 34:49
  optimism
• 34:50
  of
• 34:50
  children,
• 34:50
  right.
• 34:51
  And,
• 34:52
  um,
• 34:53
  if,
• 34:53
  if
• 34:53
  you
• 34:53
  can't,
• 34:54
  if
• 34:55
  if
• 34:55
  it's
• 34:55
  something
• 34:55
  wrong
• 34:56
  with
• 34:56
  me,
• 34:57
  that
• 34:57
  means
• 34:57
  that
• 34:57
  there's
• 34:58
  still
• 34:58
  something
• 34:58
  I
• 34:58
  can
• 34:59
  do,
• 34:59
  something
• 34:59
  I
• 34:59
  can
• 34:59
  try
• 35:00
  something,
• 35:00
  I
• 35:01
  can
• 35:01
  learn
• 35:01
  to
• 35:01
  get
• 35:01
  better
• 35:02
  at,
• 35:02
  something
• 35:02
  I
• 35:02
  can
• 35:03
  manage
• 35:04
  differently
• 35:05
  to
• 35:05
  make
• 35:06
  this
• 35:06
  better.
• 35:07
  Um,
• 35:07
  right.
• 35:08
  Whereas
• 35:09
  if
• 35:09
  you,
• 35:09
  as
• 35:09
  a
• 35:09
  kid.
• 35:10
  We're
• 35:11
  able
• 35:11
  to,
• 35:12
  oh
• 35:12
  my
• 35:12
  God,
• 35:12
  it's
• 35:12
  completely
• 35:13
  fucked,
• 35:13
  it's
• 35:14
  completely
• 35:14
  hopeless,
• 35:14
  they're
• 35:15
  a
• 35:15
  mess
• 35:15
  and
• 35:15
  it's
• 35:16
  never
• 35:16
  gonna
• 35:16
  get
• 35:16
  better,
• 35:17
  that
• 35:18
  is
• 35:18
  like
• 35:18
  a
• 35:19
  grim
• 35:19
  place
• 35:20
  to
• 35:20
  be
• 35:20
  as
• 35:20
  a
• 35:21
  child.
• 35:21
  Yes.
• 35:21
  And
• 35:22
  so
• 35:23
  it
• 35:23
  makes
• 35:23
  a
• 35:23
  lot
• 35:24
  of
• 35:24
  sense
• 35:25
  that
• 35:25
  as
• 35:26
  children
• 35:26
  in
• 35:26
  dysfunction,
• 35:27
  we
• 35:27
  do
• 35:27
  try
• 35:28
  to
• 35:28
  internalize
• 35:29
  it.
• 35:29
  Um,
• 35:29
  but
• 35:29
  that
• 35:30
  constant.
• 35:33
  Attempt
• 35:33
  at
• 35:33
  perfecting,
• 35:34
  and
• 35:35
  you
• 35:35
  know,
• 35:36
  once
• 35:36
  we
• 35:36
  get
• 35:36
  into
• 35:36
  adulthood,
• 35:37
  becomes
• 35:37
  just
• 35:38
  completely.
• 35:39
  Unnecessary
• 35:40
  because,
• 35:40
  you
• 35:40
  know,
• 35:40
  now
• 35:40
  we're
• 35:41
  in
• 35:41
  safe,
• 35:41
  hopefully
• 35:42
  in
• 35:42
  safe
• 35:42
  environments
• 35:43
  that
• 35:43
  we
• 35:43
  can,
• 35:43
  you
• 35:44
  know,
• 35:44
  begin
• 35:44
  to
• 35:44
  act
• 35:45
  differently,
• 35:45
  but
• 35:46
  so
• 35:46
  unnecessary,
• 35:47
  you
• 35:47
  know?
• 35:48
  Um,
• 35:49
  but
• 35:49
  it
• 35:49
  is
• 35:50
  very,
• 35:50
  very
• 35:51
  hard
• 35:51
  to
• 35:52
  unwire
• 35:53
  and
• 35:53
  rewire.
• 35:54
  Um,
• 35:55
  and
• 35:55
  like
• 35:55
  you
• 35:55
  talked
• 35:55
  about,
• 35:56
  inner
• 35:56
  child.
• 35:57
  You
• 35:57
  know,
• 35:57
  and
• 35:57
  like
• 35:57
  my
• 35:58
  husband
• 35:58
  will
• 35:58
  laugh
• 35:58
  'cause
• 35:58
  I'll,
• 35:59
  I'll
• 35:59
  be,
• 35:59
  I
• 36:00
  just
• 36:00
  talk
• 36:00
  to
• 36:00
  myself,
• 36:00
  you
• 36:01
  know,
• 36:01
  when
• 36:01
  I'm
• 36:01
  at
• 36:01
  home
• 36:02
  and
• 36:02
  I'll
• 36:02
  like,
• 36:02
  you
• 36:03
  know,
• 36:03
  I'll
• 36:03
  spill
• 36:03
  coffee
• 36:03
  or
• 36:03
  something
• 36:04
  and
• 36:04
  I
• 36:04
  will
• 36:04
  say
• 36:04
  out
• 36:05
  loud
• 36:05
  to
• 36:05
  myself,
• 36:06
  that's
• 36:06
  okay.
• 36:06
  That's
• 36:07
  no
• 36:07
  problem.
• 36:07
  Like,
• 36:07
  we
• 36:07
  can
• 36:07
  clean
• 36:08
  it
• 36:08
  up
• 36:08
  here.
• 36:08
  We're
• 36:08
  just
• 36:09
  gonna
• 36:09
  get
• 36:09
  a
• 36:09
  paper
• 36:09
  towel.
• 36:09
  Like
• 36:10
  it's
• 36:10
  no
• 36:10
  worries.
• 36:11
  Or
• 36:11
  like,
• 36:12
  you
• 36:12
  know,
• 36:12
  break
• 36:13
  something
• 36:13
  and
• 36:13
  be
• 36:13
  like,
• 36:14
  that's
• 36:14
  totally
• 36:15
  fine.
• 36:15
  Like,
• 36:15
  you
• 36:15
  have
• 36:16
  adult
• 36:16
  money,
• 36:16
  you
• 36:17
  can
• 36:17
  replace
• 36:17
  this.
• 36:18
  This
• 36:18
  is,
• 36:18
  you
• 36:18
  know,
• 36:18
  but
• 36:18
  I
• 36:19
  have
• 36:19
  to
• 36:19
  say
• 36:19
  those
• 36:20
  things
• 36:20
  out
• 36:20
  loud,
• 36:21
  over
• 36:22
  and
• 36:22
  over
• 36:23
  and
• 36:23
  over.
• 36:24
  Um.
• 36:25
  Just
• 36:25
  so
• 36:26
  that
• 36:26
  my
• 36:26
  little,
• 36:27
  little
• 36:27
  inside
• 36:28
  child
• 36:28
  can
• 36:29
  be
• 36:29
  like,
• 36:29
  that's
• 36:29
  right.
• 36:30
  This
• 36:30
  is
• 36:30
  what
• 36:30
  I
• 36:30
  wanted
• 36:31
  an
• 36:31
  adult
• 36:31
  to
• 36:31
  say,
• 36:32
  and
• 36:32
  I
• 36:32
  am
• 36:32
  an
• 36:32
  adult
• 36:33
  now,
• 36:33
  so
• 36:34
  this
• 36:34
  is
• 36:34
  what
• 36:34
  I'm
• 36:34
  gonna
• 36:34
  say
• 36:34
  to
• 36:35
  myself.
• 36:36
  Uh,
• 36:36
  yes.
• 36:36
  Otherwise,
• 36:37
  if
• 36:37
  you
• 36:37
  let
• 36:37
  that
• 36:37
  other
• 36:37
  little
• 36:38
  critic
• 36:38
  jump
• 36:38
  in
• 36:39
  before
• 36:39
  you
• 36:39
  get
• 36:39
  in,
• 36:40
  it's
• 36:40
  gonna
• 36:40
  be
• 36:40
  like,
• 36:40
  you're
• 36:40
  so
• 36:40
  stupid.
• 36:41
  You
• 36:41
  spill
• 36:41
  everything
• 36:42
  and
• 36:42
  then
• 36:42
  you
• 36:42
  get
• 36:43
  down
• 36:43
  this
• 36:43
  shame
• 36:43
  spiral.
• 36:44
  And
• 36:44
  the
• 36:44
  next
• 36:44
  thing
• 36:45
  you
• 36:45
  know,
• 36:45
  and
• 36:45
  I
• 36:45
  use
• 36:45
  this
• 36:46
  example
• 36:46
  all
• 36:46
  the
• 36:46
  time,
• 36:47
  and
• 36:47
  I
• 36:47
  use
• 36:47
  coffee
• 36:47
  or
• 36:47
  milk
• 36:48
  for
• 36:48
  some
• 36:48
  reason,
• 36:49
  the
• 36:49
  next
• 36:50
  thing
• 36:50
  you
• 36:50
  know,
• 36:50
  you
• 36:50
  are
• 36:50
  this
• 36:51
  horrible
• 36:51
  person
• 36:51
  who
• 36:52
  can't
• 36:52
  do
• 36:52
  anything.
• 36:53
  Right.
• 36:53
  That's
• 36:54
  right.
• 36:55
  That's
• 36:55
  right.
• 36:56
  And
• 36:56
  you
• 36:56
  gotta,
• 36:57
  you
• 36:57
  gotta
• 36:57
  stop
• 36:57
  it.
• 36:58
  Immediate.
• 36:58
  I
• 36:58
  do
• 36:58
  the
• 36:59
  same
• 36:59
  thing.
• 36:59
  I
• 37:00
  literally
• 37:00
  do
• 37:00
  the
• 37:00
  exact
• 37:01
  same
• 37:01
  thing.
• 37:01
  If
• 37:01
  I
• 37:02
  drop
• 37:02
  something,
• 37:02
  I'm
• 37:02
  like,
• 37:03
  it's
• 37:03
  all
• 37:03
  cool.
• 37:04
  Like,
• 37:04
  what's
• 37:05
  no
• 37:05
  biggie?
• 37:06
  I'll
• 37:06
  literally
• 37:06
  say
• 37:06
  it
• 37:06
  out
• 37:07
  loud
• 37:07
  to
• 37:07
  myself.
• 37:07
  Mm-hmm.
• 37:08
  People
• 37:08
  must
• 37:08
  think
• 37:08
  I'm
• 37:08
  crazy,
• 37:09
  but
• 37:09
  maybe
• 37:09
  I
• 37:09
  am.
• 37:09
  A
• 37:09
  little
• 37:10
  crazy
• 37:10
  is
• 37:10
  a
• 37:10
  little
• 37:10
  good.
• 37:11
  Right.
• 37:11
  It's
• 37:12
  not,
• 37:12
  it's
• 37:12
  not
• 37:12
  the
• 37:13
  worst
• 37:13
  thing
• 37:13
  in
• 37:13
  the
• 37:13
  world.
• 37:14
  Especially
• 37:14
  if
• 37:15
  what
• 37:15
  you're
• 37:15
  saying
• 37:15
  is,
• 37:15
  you
• 37:16
  know,
• 37:16
  acts
• 37:16
  of
• 37:16
  kindness
• 37:17
  to
• 37:17
  yourself,
• 37:18
  and
• 37:18
  I
• 37:18
  find,
• 37:19
  mm-hmm.
• 37:19
  That
• 37:19
  I
• 37:19
  do
• 37:20
  this
• 37:20
  now
• 37:20
  to
• 37:20
  other
• 37:21
  people
• 37:21
  as
• 37:22
  well.
• 37:22
  You
• 37:22
  know,
• 37:22
  so
• 37:22
  if,
• 37:23
  if
• 37:23
  I'm
• 37:23
  out
• 37:24
  with
• 37:24
  girlfriends
• 37:24
  or
• 37:25
  my
• 37:25
  husband
• 37:25
  or
• 37:25
  some
• 37:26
  mishap
• 37:26
  happens,
• 37:26
  I'm
• 37:26
  the
• 37:27
  first
• 37:27
  one
• 37:27
  to
• 37:27
  be
• 37:27
  like,
• 37:27
  that's
• 37:27
  no
• 37:27
  problem.
• 37:28
  Like,
• 37:28
  don't
• 37:28
  worry
• 37:28
  about
• 37:28
  it.
• 37:28
  Like,
• 37:29
  we'll,
• 37:29
  we'll
• 37:29
  fix
• 37:30
  this.
• 37:30
  because
• 37:31
  it
• 37:31
  has
• 37:31
  become
• 37:31
  really
• 37:32
  important
• 37:33
  to
• 37:33
  me
• 37:33
  that
• 37:33
  the
• 37:33
  people
• 37:34
  around
• 37:35
  me
• 37:36
  know
• 37:36
  that
• 37:37
  I
• 37:37
  am
• 37:37
  gonna
• 37:37
  be
• 37:37
  a
• 37:37
  person
• 37:38
  of
• 37:38
  safety
• 37:39
  and
• 37:39
  a
• 37:39
  person
• 37:40
  of
• 37:40
  soft
• 37:41
  reaction
• 37:42
  as
• 37:43
  much
• 37:43
  as
• 37:43
  possible.
• 37:44
  Right.
• 37:44
  You
• 37:44
  know,
• 37:45
  I
• 37:45
  am
• 37:45
  going
• 37:45
  to.
• 37:46
  That
• 37:47
  is
• 37:47
  my
• 37:48
  standard
• 37:49
  for
• 37:49
  myself.
• 37:49
  And
• 37:50
  so
• 37:51
  I'm
• 37:51
  modeling
• 37:52
  that
• 37:53
  as
• 37:53
  much
• 37:53
  for
• 37:53
  myself
• 37:54
  as
• 37:54
  for
• 37:54
  other
• 37:54
  people.
• 37:55
  But
• 37:55
  to
• 37:55
  say,
• 37:56
  to
• 37:56
  remind
• 37:56
  myself,
• 37:57
  I
• 37:57
  am
• 37:57
  a
• 37:57
  person
• 37:58
  who
• 37:58
  can
• 37:58
  let
• 37:59
  things
• 37:59
  small,
• 38:00
  let
• 38:00
  small
• 38:00
  things
• 38:00
  be
• 38:00
  small
• 38:01
  things.
• 38:01
  I
• 38:01
  am
• 38:01
  a
• 38:01
  person
• 38:02
  who
• 38:03
  can
• 38:03
  let
• 38:03
  people
• 38:04
  make
• 38:04
  mistakes.
• 38:04
  I,
• 38:05
  and
• 38:05
  then
• 38:05
  all
• 38:06
  of
• 38:06
  that
• 38:06
  means
• 38:06
  that
• 38:07
  when
• 38:07
  I'm
• 38:07
  alone
• 38:07
  with
• 38:08
  myself,
• 38:09
  I'm
• 38:09
  a
• 38:09
  person
• 38:09
  who
• 38:10
  can
• 38:10
  let
• 38:10
  myself
• 38:10
  make
• 38:11
  mistakes.
• 38:11
  I
• 38:11
  am
• 38:11
  a
• 38:12
  person
• 38:12
  who
• 38:12
  can
• 38:12
  let
• 38:12
  myself
• 38:14
  spill
• 38:14
  the
• 38:14
  coffee.
• 38:15
  Um.
• 38:16
  And
• 38:16
  so
• 38:16
  that
• 38:16
  has
• 38:16
  been
• 38:17
  a
• 38:17
  really
• 38:17
  important,
• 38:18
  I
• 38:18
  call
• 38:18
  it
• 38:18
  like
• 38:19
  ling
• 38:19
  of
• 38:20
  myself.
• 38:20
  Like
• 38:20
  I
• 38:20
  don't
• 38:21
  have
• 38:21
  to
• 38:21
  be
• 38:21
  living
• 38:22
  at
• 38:22
  spiky
• 38:22
  levels
• 38:23
  of,
• 38:24
  internal
• 38:25
  velocity.
• 38:25
  I'm
• 38:25
  like,
• 38:26
  we
• 38:26
  can
• 38:26
  just,
• 38:26
  we
• 38:26
  can
• 38:26
  be
• 38:26
  chill.
• 38:27
  We
• 38:27
  can
• 38:27
  be
• 38:27
  cool.
• 38:28
  Like,
• 38:29
  right,
• 38:29
  right.
• 38:29
  Just
• 38:30
  bring
• 38:30
  it
• 38:30
  down.
• 38:30
  I
• 38:30
  tell
• 38:31
  everybody,
• 38:31
  if
• 38:31
  your
• 38:31
  baseline
• 38:32
  is
• 38:32
  at
• 38:32
  a
• 38:32
  two,
• 38:33
  when
• 38:34
  the
• 38:34
  bad
• 38:34
  things
• 38:34
  happen,
• 38:35
  you
• 38:35
  jump
• 38:35
  to
• 38:35
  a
• 38:35
  four
• 38:36
  or
• 38:36
  a
• 38:36
  six
• 38:37
  when
• 38:37
  your
• 38:37
  baseline
• 38:37
  is
• 38:38
  at
• 38:38
  a
• 38:38
  seven
• 38:38
  or
• 38:38
  eight
• 38:39
  of
• 38:39
  hyper
• 38:39
  vigilance
• 38:40
  and
• 38:40
  stress.
• 38:41
  When
• 38:42
  something
• 38:42
  happens,
• 38:42
  you're
• 38:42
  off
• 38:43
  the
• 38:43
  charts
• 38:43
  10,
• 38:43
  and
• 38:44
  then
• 38:44
  it's
• 38:44
  too
• 38:44
  late
• 38:44
  to
• 38:44
  do
• 38:44
  anything
• 38:45
  about
• 38:45
  it.
• 38:45
  Now
• 38:45
  you're
• 38:46
  in
• 38:46
  full
• 38:46
  blown
• 38:46
  crisis
• 38:47
  mode.
• 38:48
  That's
• 38:48
  right.
• 38:48
  It's
• 38:49
  funny
• 38:49
  too,
• 38:49
  how
• 38:49
  you
• 38:50
  say
• 38:50
  that
• 38:50
  you
• 38:50
  spread
• 38:51
  that
• 38:51
  around
• 38:52
  because
• 38:52
  I
• 38:52
  go
• 38:52
  to
• 38:52
  work
• 38:52
  all
• 38:52
  the
• 38:52
  time,
• 38:53
  and
• 38:53
  people
• 38:53
  will
• 38:53
  do
• 38:53
  that.
• 38:54
  They'll
• 38:54
  drop
• 38:54
  something
• 38:54
  and
• 38:55
  and
• 38:55
  they'll
• 38:55
  be
• 38:55
  like,
• 38:56
  oh
• 38:56
  my
• 38:56
  God,
• 38:56
  I'm
• 38:56
  so
• 38:56
  stupid.
• 38:57
  I'm
• 38:57
  like.
• 38:57
  You're
• 38:57
  not
• 38:58
  stupid,
• 38:58
  you're
• 38:58
  just
• 38:58
  a
• 38:58
  goofball
• 38:59
  and
• 38:59
  a
• 38:59
  silly
• 38:59
  guy,
• 39:00
  I
• 39:00
  remember
• 39:00
  a
• 39:00
  CO
• 39:00
  just
• 39:01
  a
• 39:01
  couple
• 39:01
  weeks
• 39:01
  ago,
• 39:01
  someone
• 39:02
  said,
• 39:02
  oh,
• 39:02
  here
• 39:02
  comes
• 39:02
  Tammy,
• 39:03
  miss
• 39:03
  positivity,
• 39:04
  don't
• 39:04
  like
• 39:04
  to
• 39:04
  do
• 39:04
  anything
• 39:04
  wrong
• 39:05
  or
• 39:05
  whatever.
• 39:06
  And
• 39:06
  it
• 39:06
  was
• 39:06
  so
• 39:06
  funny.
• 39:06
  And
• 39:06
  then,
• 39:07
  and
• 39:07
  then
• 39:07
  one
• 39:07
  of
• 39:07
  the
• 39:07
  guys
• 39:07
  jumps
• 39:08
  in
• 39:08
  and
• 39:08
  goes,
• 39:08
  it's
• 39:08
  okay
• 39:09
  because
• 39:09
  when
• 39:09
  she's
• 39:09
  here,
• 39:10
  our
• 39:10
  frequency
• 39:11
  is
• 39:11
  always
• 39:11
  high.
• 39:12
  Yes.
• 39:12
  I'm
• 39:13
  like,
• 39:13
  okay,
• 39:13
  Like,
• 39:14
  I
• 39:14
  didn't
• 39:14
  realize
• 39:14
  I
• 39:15
  did
• 39:15
  it
• 39:15
  that
• 39:15
  much.
• 39:15
  And
• 39:15
  they're
• 39:15
  like,
• 39:16
  oh
• 39:16
  yeah,
• 39:16
  because
• 39:16
  they'll
• 39:17
  be
• 39:17
  like,
• 39:17
  don't
• 39:17
  bring
• 39:17
  my
• 39:17
  frequency
• 39:18
  down.
• 39:18
  Tammy's
• 39:19
  in
• 39:19
  the
• 39:19
  house.
• 39:20
  That's
• 39:20
  right.
• 39:21
  That's
• 39:21
  right.
• 39:22
  I
• 39:22
  love
• 39:23
  it.
• 39:23
  It's
• 39:23
  good
• 39:24
  though.
• 39:25
  And
• 39:25
  I
• 39:25
  mean
• 39:25
  that's,
• 39:25
  there's
• 39:25
  something,
• 39:26
  go
• 39:26
  ahead.
• 39:27
  Well,
• 39:27
  I
• 39:27
  was
• 39:27
  gonna
• 39:28
  say,
• 39:28
  there's
• 39:28
  something
• 39:28
  when
• 39:29
  your.
• 39:31
  Hyper
• 39:32
  vigilance
• 39:32
  is
• 39:32
  lowered.
• 39:33
  Right?
• 39:33
  And
• 39:33
  that
• 39:34
  has
• 39:34
  taken
• 39:34
  me,
• 39:35
  I
• 39:35
  mean,
• 39:35
  in
• 39:35
  multiple
• 39:36
  modalities,
• 39:37
  right?
• 39:37
  So
• 39:37
  I
• 39:37
  talk
• 39:37
  to
• 39:37
  myself,
• 39:38
  I
• 39:38
  mean,
• 39:38
  like
• 39:38
  there's
• 39:38
  yoga,
• 39:39
  there's
• 39:39
  Pilates,
• 39:40
  there's,
• 39:40
  I'm
• 39:40
  taking
• 39:41
  magnesium.
• 39:41
  You
• 39:41
  know,
• 39:42
  I
• 39:42
  mean
• 39:42
  like,
• 39:42
  there's
• 39:42
  just
• 39:42
  so
• 39:42
  many
• 39:43
  ways
• 39:43
  that
• 39:43
  we're
• 39:43
  like
• 39:44
  bringing
• 39:44
  down
• 39:45
  that
• 39:45
  hyper
• 39:46
  vigilance.
• 39:46
  But
• 39:47
  when
• 39:47
  you
• 39:47
  have
• 39:47
  a
• 39:47
  lower,
• 39:48
  um.
• 39:50
  Threshold
• 39:50
  or
• 39:50
  a
• 39:50
  lower
• 39:51
  baseline,
• 39:52
  the
• 39:52
  room
• 39:53
  for
• 39:53
  like,
• 39:54
  for
• 39:54
  these
• 39:54
  larger
• 39:55
  feelings,
• 39:55
  particularly
• 39:56
  Joy
• 39:57
  has
• 39:57
  gotten
• 39:57
  so
• 39:57
  much
• 39:58
  more
• 39:58
  expansive
• 39:59
  for
• 39:59
  me,
• 40:00
  um,
• 40:00
  because
• 40:00
  when
• 40:01
  I
• 40:01
  was
• 40:01
  living
• 40:01
  at
• 40:01
  like
• 40:02
  a
• 40:02
  eight
• 40:02
  or
• 40:02
  10,
• 40:02
  I
• 40:02
  mean
• 40:02
  like
• 40:03
  between
• 40:03
  me
• 40:03
  and
• 40:03
  the
• 40:03
  ceiling,
• 40:04
  the
• 40:04
  root,
• 40:04
  like
• 40:05
  the
• 40:05
  feelings
• 40:05
  I
• 40:05
  could
• 40:06
  feel
• 40:06
  safely
• 40:07
  was
• 40:07
  so
• 40:07
  small.
• 40:08
  Um,
• 40:09
  versus,
• 40:10
  you
• 40:10
  know,
• 40:10
  as
• 40:10
  I've
• 40:10
  spent
• 40:11
  these
• 40:12
  years
• 40:12
  bringing
• 40:13
  my
• 40:13
  hypervigilance
• 40:14
  down,
• 40:14
  I
• 40:15
  have
• 40:15
  so
• 40:15
  much
• 40:15
  more
• 40:16
  expanded
• 40:16
  capacity
• 40:17
  for.
• 40:19
  Um,
• 40:19
  I
• 40:19
  mean
• 40:19
  for
• 40:19
  all
• 40:19
  kinds
• 40:20
  of
• 40:20
  things,
• 40:20
  you
• 40:20
  know,
• 40:21
  and
• 40:21
  empathy
• 40:21
  and,
• 40:22
  and
• 40:22
  relationship
• 40:23
  and,
• 40:23
  you
• 40:24
  know,
• 40:24
  true
• 40:25
  sorrow
• 40:26
  and
• 40:26
  other
• 40:26
  things.
• 40:26
  But
• 40:27
  also
• 40:27
  just
• 40:27
  the
• 40:27
  immense
• 40:28
  amount
• 40:28
  of
• 40:28
  joy
• 40:29
  that
• 40:29
  I
• 40:29
  get
• 40:29
  to
• 40:30
  hold
• 40:30
  now
• 40:30
  because
• 40:31
  my
• 40:31
  emotional
• 40:32
  canister,
• 40:33
  I
• 40:33
  guess
• 40:34
  is
• 40:34
  Yeah.
• 40:34
  Is
• 40:34
  larger.
• 40:36
  Yep.
• 40:36
  Absolutely.
• 40:37
  I
• 40:37
  love
• 40:38
  it.
• 40:39
  Love
• 40:39
  it,
• 40:39
  love
• 40:39
  it.
• 40:40
  So
• 40:40
  tell
• 40:41
  us
• 40:41
  about
• 40:41
  your
• 40:41
  book.
• 40:42
  Yes.
• 40:43
  So
• 40:43
  let's
• 40:44
  see.
• 40:44
  I
• 40:44
  have
• 40:44
  a
• 40:44
  copy
• 40:45
  of
• 40:45
  it
• 40:45
  here.
• 40:47
  And
• 40:47
  I
• 40:47
  will
• 40:47
  put
• 40:47
  the
• 40:47
  links
• 40:47
  in
• 40:48
  the
• 40:48
  show
• 40:48
  notes
• 40:48
  for
• 40:48
  anybody
• 40:48
  that
• 40:49
  wants
• 40:49
  to
• 40:49
  get
• 40:49
  it.
• 40:50
  Yes,
• 40:50
  it's
• 40:50
  called
• 40:50
  Conjuring
• 40:51
  the
• 40:51
  Hurricane.
• 40:52
  The
• 40:52
  best
• 40:52
  way
• 40:52
  to
• 40:52
  save
• 40:53
  your
• 40:53
  life
• 40:53
  is
• 40:54
  any
• 40:54
  way
• 40:54
  you
• 40:54
  can.
• 40:55
  Um,
• 40:55
  beloved
• 40:56
  Elizabeth
• 40:57
  Gilbert,
• 40:57
  um,
• 40:58
  author
• 40:58
  of
• 40:58
  Eat,
• 40:59
  pray,
• 40:59
  love,
• 40:59
  and
• 40:59
  Big
• 41:00
  Magic,
• 41:00
  um,
• 41:01
  has,
• 41:02
  has
• 41:02
  put
• 41:02
  a
• 41:02
  little
• 41:02
  blurb
• 41:03
  on
• 41:03
  the
• 41:03
  cover.
• 41:04
  And
• 41:04
  this
• 41:05
  book,
• 41:05
  um,
• 41:06
  functionally
• 41:07
  writes
• 41:07
  the
• 41:07
  permission
• 41:08
  slip
• 41:08
  for
• 41:09
  people
• 41:09
  to
• 41:09
  leave
• 41:10
  the
• 41:10
  lives
• 41:10
  that
• 41:10
  are
• 41:11
  harming
• 41:11
  them.
• 41:12
  Um,
• 41:12
  leave
• 41:13
  communities
• 41:13
  that
• 41:14
  are
• 41:14
  controlling
• 41:14
  them
• 41:15
  and
• 41:15
  calling
• 41:15
  it
• 41:15
  care
• 41:17
  Leave.
• 41:17
  The
• 41:18
  men
• 41:18
  who
• 41:18
  hate
• 41:18
  you
• 41:18
  and
• 41:19
  call
• 41:19
  it
• 41:19
  love.
• 41:19
  This
• 41:20
  is
• 41:20
  a,
• 41:21
  um,
• 41:23
  it
• 41:23
  is
• 41:23
  a
• 41:24
  memoir
• 41:25
  that
• 41:25
  is
• 41:25
  written
• 41:26
  in
• 41:26
  a
• 41:26
  braided
• 41:27
  style.
• 41:27
  Um,
• 41:28
  so
• 41:28
  that
• 41:28
  you
• 41:28
  kind
• 41:29
  of
• 41:29
  see
• 41:30
  the
• 41:30
  end
• 41:31
  and
• 41:31
  the
• 41:31
  beginning
• 41:32
  at
• 41:32
  the
• 41:32
  same
• 41:32
  time.
• 41:33
  Because
• 41:33
  it
• 41:33
  was
• 41:33
  very
• 41:33
  important
• 41:34
  for
• 41:34
  me
• 41:34
  that
• 41:35
  people
• 41:35
  who
• 41:35
  are
• 41:36
  in
• 41:36
  trauma
• 41:36
  or
• 41:37
  looking
• 41:37
  to
• 41:37
  unwind
• 41:38
  generational
• 41:39
  trauma,
• 41:39
  um,
• 41:40
  emotional
• 41:40
  abuse,
• 41:40
  that
• 41:40
  they
• 41:41
  see
• 41:42
  the
• 41:42
  ending.
• 41:43
  Um.
• 41:44
  At
• 41:45
  the
• 41:45
  same
• 41:45
  time
• 41:45
  that
• 41:46
  they're
• 41:46
  wrestling
• 41:46
  with
• 41:46
  this,
• 41:46
  I
• 41:47
  did
• 41:47
  not
• 41:47
  wanna
• 41:47
  re-traumatize,
• 41:49
  um,
• 41:49
  the
• 41:49
  reader
• 41:50
  by
• 41:50
  like,
• 41:51
  let's
• 41:51
  chronologically
• 41:52
  trace
• 41:52
  what
• 41:52
  happened
• 41:53
  with
• 41:53
  my
• 41:53
  dad
• 41:53
  and
• 41:53
  then
• 41:54
  my
• 41:54
  ex,
• 41:54
  and
• 41:54
  then,
• 41:54
  oh,
• 41:54
  by
• 41:55
  the
• 41:55
  way
• 41:55
  it
• 41:55
  ends.
• 41:55
  Okay.
• 41:56
  Um,
• 41:56
  I
• 41:56
  wanted
• 41:57
  a
• 41:57
  sense
• 41:57
  of
• 41:57
  safety.
• 41:59
  Um,
• 41:59
  and
• 41:59
  they're
• 41:59
  written
• 42:00
  in
• 42:00
  very
• 42:01
  small
• 42:01
  stories,
• 42:02
  um,
• 42:02
  so
• 42:02
  that
• 42:03
  you
• 42:03
  can
• 42:03
  like
• 42:03
  pick
• 42:03
  up,
• 42:04
  put
• 42:04
  it
• 42:04
  down.
• 42:04
  Um,
• 42:05
  because
• 42:05
  when
• 42:05
  I
• 42:05
  was
• 42:06
  really
• 42:06
  deep
• 42:06
  in
• 42:06
  trauma.
• 42:07
  I
• 42:07
  did
• 42:08
  not
• 42:08
  have
• 42:08
  the
• 42:08
  mental
• 42:08
  capacity
• 42:09
  to
• 42:09
  sit
• 42:09
  down
• 42:10
  and
• 42:10
  read
• 42:10
  500
• 42:10
  pages.
• 42:11
  That
• 42:11
  was
• 42:11
  gonna
• 42:11
  be
• 42:12
  just
• 42:12
  a
• 42:12
  no
• 42:13
  go.
• 42:14
  Um,
• 42:14
  so
• 42:14
  my
• 42:15
  hope
• 42:16
  is
• 42:16
  that
• 42:16
  anyone
• 42:17
  who
• 42:17
  picks
• 42:17
  up
• 42:17
  this
• 42:17
  book
• 42:18
  can
• 42:18
  recognize
• 42:19
  themself
• 42:19
  in
• 42:20
  a
• 42:20
  life
• 42:20
  that
• 42:21
  doesn't
• 42:21
  fit,
• 42:22
  and
• 42:22
  know
• 42:23
  that
• 42:23
  they
• 42:23
  have
• 42:23
  permission
• 42:24
  to
• 42:24
  take
• 42:25
  the
• 42:25
  messy,
• 42:26
  imperfect
• 42:27
  exit.
• 42:28
  Because
• 42:29
  any
• 42:29
  exit
• 42:30
  that
• 42:30
  gets
• 42:30
  you
• 42:30
  out
• 42:30
  of
• 42:30
  a
• 42:31
  life
• 42:31
  that's
• 42:31
  harming
• 42:31
  you
• 42:32
  is
• 42:33
  the
• 42:33
  best
• 42:33
  way
• 42:33
  to
• 42:33
  save
• 42:33
  your
• 42:34
  life.
• 42:35
  Amen.
• 42:36
  Love
• 42:36
  it.
• 42:36
  Absolutely
• 42:37
  love
• 42:37
  it.
• 42:38
  So
• 42:38
  do
• 42:38
  you
• 42:38
  work,
• 42:39
  I,
• 42:39
  I
• 42:39
  guess
• 42:39
  we
• 42:39
  never
• 42:40
  even
• 42:40
  really
• 42:40
  talked
• 42:40
  about
• 42:40
  this
• 42:41
  before.
• 42:41
  Do
• 42:41
  you
• 42:41
  work
• 42:42
  with
• 42:42
  people
• 42:42
  or
• 42:42
  do
• 42:42
  you
• 42:42
  just,
• 42:43
  are
• 42:43
  you
• 42:43
  just
• 42:44
  writing,
• 42:44
  are
• 42:44
  you
• 42:45
  coaching?
• 42:45
  Or
• 42:45
  where,
• 42:46
  what
• 42:46
  is
• 42:46
  your
• 42:46
  story?
• 42:47
  Whatcha
• 42:48
  doing?
• 42:48
  Right?
• 42:48
  Yeah.
• 42:48
  So.
• 42:48
  Yeah,
• 42:49
  I,
• 42:49
  um,
• 42:50
  this
• 42:50
  book
• 42:50
  launches,
• 42:51
  uh,
• 42:51
  into
• 42:51
  the
• 42:52
  world
• 42:52
  April
• 42:52
  28th.
• 42:53
  Um,
• 42:54
  okay.
• 42:54
  I'm
• 42:54
  doing
• 42:54
  speaking,
• 42:55
  um,
• 42:56
  with
• 42:56
  women's
• 42:56
  advocacy
• 42:57
  groups
• 42:57
  as
• 42:57
  well
• 42:57
  as
• 42:58
  domestic
• 42:58
  violence
• 42:58
  shelters.
• 42:59
  And
• 42:59
  I'm
• 42:59
  moving
• 43:00
  this
• 43:00
  into,
• 43:01
  um,
• 43:01
  a
• 43:02
  corporate
• 43:02
  conversation
• 43:03
  as
• 43:03
  well
• 43:03
  around
• 43:04
  the
• 43:04
  hidden
• 43:05
  cost
• 43:05
  of
• 43:05
  delaying
• 43:06
  really
• 43:07
  hard
• 43:07
  decisions.
• 43:08
  You
• 43:08
  know,
• 43:08
  when
• 43:08
  you
• 43:08
  are
• 43:09
  in
• 43:09
  a
• 43:09
  life
• 43:10
  that
• 43:10
  is
• 43:10
  not.
• 43:11
  Working,
• 43:11
  you
• 43:12
  know,
• 43:12
  for
• 43:12
  any
• 43:12
  reason,
• 43:13
  whether
• 43:13
  it's,
• 43:13
  you
• 43:13
  know,
• 43:13
  abuse
• 43:14
  or
• 43:15
  high
• 43:15
  systems
• 43:15
  of
• 43:15
  control,
• 43:16
  or
• 43:16
  you're
• 43:16
  in
• 43:16
  a
• 43:17
  job
• 43:17
  that's
• 43:17
  awful
• 43:18
  or
• 43:18
  you're,
• 43:18
  you
• 43:18
  know,
• 43:19
  um,
• 43:20
  that
• 43:20
  decision,
• 43:21
  that's
• 43:21
  gonna
• 43:21
  be
• 43:21
  a
• 43:21
  hard
• 43:21
  one.
• 43:25
  Yeah,
• 43:26
  the,
• 43:26
  but
• 43:26
  the,
• 43:27
  so
• 43:27
  we
• 43:27
  put
• 43:27
  off
• 43:28
  the
• 43:28
  moment
• 43:28
  of
• 43:28
  rupture,
• 43:29
  right?
• 43:30
  Because
• 43:30
  to
• 43:30
  change
• 43:31
  your
• 43:31
  life
• 43:31
  is,
• 43:32
  is
• 43:32
  to
• 43:32
  rupture
• 43:33
  your
• 43:33
  life.
• 43:33
  Um,
• 43:33
  and
• 43:34
  that's
• 43:34
  really
• 43:34
  uncomfortable
• 43:35
  because
• 43:35
  you
• 43:35
  know,
• 43:36
  your
• 43:36
  sense
• 43:36
  of
• 43:36
  identity,
• 43:37
  your
• 43:37
  family,
• 43:37
  your
• 43:37
  community,
• 43:38
  and
• 43:38
  all
• 43:38
  of
• 43:39
  them
• 43:39
  have
• 43:39
  thoughts
• 43:39
  about
• 43:40
  how
• 43:40
  you
• 43:41
  decide
• 43:41
  to
• 43:42
  rupture
• 43:42
  your
• 43:42
  life.
• 43:42
  And
• 43:42
  so
• 43:43
  we
• 43:43
  put
• 43:43
  that
• 43:43
  off
• 43:43
  and
• 43:44
  keep
• 43:44
  ourselves
• 43:45
  in,
• 43:47
  you
• 43:47
  know,
• 43:47
  kind
• 43:47
  of
• 43:47
  in
• 43:47
  the
• 43:47
  swamp.
• 43:48
  Um,
• 43:50
  and
• 43:50
  so
• 43:51
  looking
• 43:51
  at
• 43:51
  how
• 43:51
  do
• 43:52
  we.
• 43:53
  Choose
• 43:53
  to
• 43:53
  go
• 43:54
  through,
• 43:55
  um,
• 43:55
  a
• 43:55
  period
• 43:56
  of
• 43:56
  rupture
• 43:56
  that's
• 43:56
  really
• 43:57
  deeply
• 43:57
  uncomfortable,
• 43:58
  um,
• 43:59
  and
• 43:59
  is
• 43:59
  gonna
• 43:59
  rearrange
• 44:00
  your
• 44:00
  life
• 44:00
  in
• 44:01
  really
• 44:01
  significant
• 44:02
  ways.
• 44:02
  You
• 44:02
  know,
• 44:02
  like
• 44:02
  if
• 44:03
  you
• 44:03
  enter
• 44:03
  AA
• 44:04
  or
• 44:04
  if
• 44:04
  you,
• 44:05
  you
• 44:05
  know,
• 44:05
  leave
• 44:06
  an
• 44:06
  abuser
• 44:06
  or
• 44:07
  whatever
• 44:07
  that,
• 44:07
  that,
• 44:08
  that's
• 44:08
  very
• 44:08
  uncomfortable.
• 44:10
  Um,
• 44:10
  but
• 44:10
  it's
• 44:10
  uncomfortable
• 44:11
  for
• 44:11
  a
• 44:11
  period
• 44:11
  of
• 44:11
  time.
• 44:12
  And
• 44:12
  then
• 44:13
  you
• 44:13
  get
• 44:13
  to
• 44:13
  be
• 44:14
  in
• 44:14
  a
• 44:14
  life
• 44:14
  that
• 44:14
  fits,
• 44:15
  that
• 44:15
  is
• 44:16
  safe,
• 44:16
  that
• 44:17
  is
• 44:17
  full
• 44:17
  of
• 44:17
  the
• 44:17
  people
• 44:18
  that
• 44:18
  you
• 44:19
  really
• 44:20
  want
• 44:20
  around
• 44:20
  you.
• 44:21
  To
• 44:22
  support
• 44:22
  you.
• 44:23
  Um,
• 44:23
  and
• 44:24
  so
• 44:24
  moving,
• 44:25
  my
• 44:25
  goal
• 44:26
  is
• 44:26
  to
• 44:26
  help
• 44:26
  people
• 44:26
  feel
• 44:27
  comfortable
• 44:27
  and
• 44:28
  have
• 44:28
  permission
• 44:29
  to
• 44:29
  move
• 44:29
  into
• 44:29
  that
• 44:30
  rupture
• 44:30
  space
• 44:31
  sooner.
• 44:32
  You
• 44:32
  know,
• 44:32
  and
• 44:32
  I
• 44:32
  say
• 44:32
  if
• 44:33
  one
• 44:33
  woman
• 44:33
  picks
• 44:34
  this
• 44:34
  book
• 44:34
  up
• 44:34
  and
• 44:35
  chooses
• 44:35
  to
• 44:35
  save
• 44:36
  her
• 44:36
  life
• 44:36
  one
• 44:37
  day
• 44:37
  sooner
• 44:38
  than
• 44:38
  she
• 44:38
  otherwise
• 44:38
  would
• 44:39
  have,
• 44:39
  like,
• 44:40
  that
• 44:40
  is
• 44:40
  what
• 44:41
  this
• 44:41
  book
• 44:41
  is
• 44:41
  for.
• 44:42
  Love
• 44:42
  it.
• 44:43
  Love
• 44:43
  it.
• 44:43
  So
• 44:44
  people
• 44:44
  wanna
• 44:44
  talk
• 44:45
  to
• 44:45
  you,
• 44:45
  work
• 44:45
  with
• 44:45
  you,
• 44:46
  how
• 44:46
  do
• 44:46
  they
• 44:46
  contact
• 44:47
  you?
• 44:47
  Yeah,
• 44:48
  so,
• 44:48
  um,
• 44:48
  my
• 44:48
  website
• 44:49
  is
• 44:49
  Sarah
• 44:50
  Hanson
• 44:50
  writes,
• 44:51
  um,
• 44:52
  dot
• 44:52
  com.
• 44:52
  There
• 44:52
  is
• 44:53
  a
• 44:53
  contact
• 44:54
  form,
• 44:55
  um,
• 44:55
  if
• 44:56
  I'm
• 44:56
  happy
• 44:56
  to
• 44:57
  come
• 44:57
  and
• 44:57
  do
• 44:57
  speaking,
• 44:58
  um,
• 44:58
  podcast,
• 44:59
  I,
• 45:00
  uh,
• 45:01
  book
• 45:01
  signings,
• 45:02
  um,
• 45:02
  events
• 45:02
  like
• 45:03
  that,
• 45:03
  all
• 45:03
  of
• 45:03
  that
• 45:04
  can
• 45:04
  be,
• 45:04
  um,
• 45:04
  routed
• 45:05
  through
• 45:05
  there
• 45:05
  and
• 45:06
  my
• 45:06
  publicist
• 45:07
  will
• 45:07
  take
• 45:07
  it
• 45:08
  from
• 45:08
  there.
• 45:09
  Sounds
• 45:09
  perfect.
• 45:10
  Absolutely
• 45:10
  Perfect.
• 45:11
  Well,
• 45:11
  Sarah,
• 45:11
  thank
• 45:12
  you
• 45:12
  so
• 45:12
  much
• 45:12
  for
• 45:12
  coming
• 45:12
  on.
• 45:13
  This
• 45:13
  has
• 45:13
  been
• 45:13
  delightful.
• 45:14
  Oh,
• 45:14
  Tammy,
• 45:15
  thank
• 45:15
  you
• 45:15
  so
• 45:15
  much
• 45:15
  and
• 45:15
  thank
• 45:16
  you
• 45:16
  to
• 45:16
  your
• 45:16
  listeners.
• 45:17
  Uh,
• 45:17
  and
• 45:17
  I
• 45:17
  hope
• 45:18
  that
• 45:18
  they
• 45:18
  are
• 45:18
  all
• 45:19
  finding
• 45:20
  the
• 45:20
  strength
• 45:20
  that
• 45:20
  they
• 45:20
  need.
• 45:21
  They
• 45:22
  most
• 45:22
  certainly
• 45:23
  are
• 45:23
  one,
• 45:23
  one
• 45:24
  step
• 45:24
  at
• 45:24
  a
• 45:24
  time.
• 45:24
  But
• 45:24
  before
• 45:25
  you
• 45:25
  leave,
• 45:26
  if
• 45:26
  you
• 45:26
  had
• 45:26
  to
• 45:26
  give
• 45:26
  them
• 45:27
  one
• 45:27
  message,
• 45:27
  one
• 45:27
  piece
• 45:28
  of
• 45:28
  advice,
• 45:28
  one
• 45:29
  something
• 45:30
  from
• 45:31
  Sarah
• 45:31
  Hanson,
• 45:31
  what
• 45:32
  would
• 45:32
  it
• 45:32
  be?
• 45:33
  It
• 45:33
  would
• 45:33
  be
• 45:33
  you
• 45:34
  have
• 45:34
  permission
• 45:35
  to
• 45:35
  save
• 45:35
  your
• 45:36
  life
• 45:36
  any
• 45:37
  way
• 45:37
  you
• 45:38
  can.
• 45:38
  Any
• 45:39
  way
• 45:39
  is
• 45:39
  a
• 45:39
  good
• 45:40
  way
• 45:41
  to
• 45:41
  change
• 45:41
  and
• 45:41
  save
• 45:42
  your
• 45:42
  life.
• 45:44
  Absolutely
• 45:44
  love
• 45:44
  it.
• 45:45
  So
• 45:45
  again,
• 45:45
  thank
• 45:46
  you
• 45:46
  for
• 45:46
  coming
• 45:46
  on
• 45:46
  and
• 45:47
  for
• 45:47
  all
• 45:47
  the
• 45:47
  other
• 45:47
  listeners
• 45:48
  out
• 45:48
  there,
• 45:48
  we
• 45:49
  so
• 45:49
  appreciate
• 45:49
  you
• 45:50
  and
• 45:51
  take
• 45:51
  these
• 45:51
  episodes
• 45:52
  and
• 45:52
  listen
• 45:53
  to
• 45:53
  them,
• 45:53
  and
• 45:53
  learn
• 45:54
  from
• 45:54
  these
• 45:54
  people.
• 45:54
  They
• 45:54
  have
• 45:54
  all
• 45:55
  done
• 45:55
  it.
• 45:55
  They
• 45:55
  have
• 45:55
  all
• 45:56
  struggled
• 45:56
  and
• 45:57
  they
• 45:57
  have
• 45:57
  all
• 45:57
  thrived.
• 45:58
  So
• 46:00
  your
• 46:00
  best
• 46:00
  life.
• 46:01
  Is
• 46:01
  out
• 46:02
  there
• 46:02
  for
• 46:02
  the
• 46:03
  taking.
• 46:03
  It's
• 46:03
  yours.
• 46:04
  You
• 46:04
  deserve
• 46:04
  it.
• 46:05
  You
• 46:05
  earned
• 46:05
  it.
• 46:06
  you're
• 46:06
  just
• 46:06
  worth
• 46:06
  it.
• 46:07
  So
• 46:07
  know
• 46:07
  that
• 46:08
  and
• 46:08
  we
• 46:08
  will
• 46:08
  see
• 46:09
  you
• 46:09
  back
• 46:09
  next
• 46:09
  week.
• 46:10
  Love
• 46:10
  you
• 46:10
  guys.