Latest / Age Like a Badass Mother / Ep. 111: What Toxins and Psychedelics Taught Me About Being Authentic with Dr. Nikki Siso

Transcript

Ep. 111: What Toxins and Psychedelics Taught Me About Being Authentic with Dr. Nikki Siso · Age Like a Badass Mother

• 0:00
  Hi friend, my guest today is Dr.
• 0:02
  Nikki Siso, certified holistic health practitioner and founder of Conscious Kitchen ATX. This conversation was wild.
• 0:10
  We talked about healing with psychedelics.
• 0:13
  We talked about authenticity and how she couldn't feel authentic until she had her breast implants out.
• 0:18
  It's a good one. But first, you know that I would only share products with you that I actually love and use myself.
• 0:26
  That's why I want you to know about Grand Teton Ancient Grains.
• 0:29
  They grow and mill ancient grains like eincorn, quinoa, spelt, and millet on their family farm, and they never use pesticides, herbicides, or glyphosate. If you love pasta, bread, or grain bowls like I do, try Grand Teton's freshly milled flowers, pastas, and grains. They're delicious and they're good for you.
• 0:51
  Head to ancientgrains.com and use code Healthy 10 for 10% off your purchase.
• 0:58
  And now, Dr. Nikki Sisso Dr. Nikki is the co-founder of Conscious Kitchen ATX alongside her mama, Dr. Sarah Sisso. They are both certified holistic health practitioners providing the healthiest, most delicious, I can attest to that, food in Austin.
• 1:28
  They also have a detox program and holistic meal prep classes.
• 1:33
  Dr. Nikki has a master's in sustainability and 30 years of personal development training.
• 1:39
  She has been to 65 countries and she is a total badass.
• 1:45
  Please welcome Dr. Nikki Sisso.
• 1:47
  Hi friend, hello doll. So glad to see you.
• 1:48
  Thank you, thank you. Hi. ~ s so happy to be here.
• 1:51
  And I adore you.
• 1:54
  I adore you too. And for those who didn't catch it, Dr. Nikki was one of our guests when we did our live during South by Southwest and we actually recorded that at your beautiful restaurant at Conscious Kitchen in Austin.
• 2:06
  It was fun. I loved So.
• 2:08
  it.
• 2:09
  Go back and listen to that guys.
• 2:10
  Okay, so you've been to 65 countries.
• 2:13
  Tell me a few of them and tell me your favorites.
• 2:18
  Ooh. So I have a few favorites.
• 2:20
  So Mikanos for an island experience, they paint the entire place white and there's flowers and the banisters and all the window frames are colored.
• 2:31
  So it's just this magical white, enchanting little town on a cliff, kind of like on a angled cliff towards the ocean.
• 2:39
  So it's just ~ one of the most special places.
• 2:42
  That sounds, yeah, haven't been there.
• 2:43
  Yeah.
• 2:45
  it's a must.
• 2:46
  ~ and then I love Cambodia for the temples.
• 2:51
  ~ Hong Kong for fun, kinda like it's it's Asia's New York, right?
• 2:58
  Yeah.
• 2:58
  ~ Aspen of course for the topography was my favorite.
• 3:02
  And Amsterdam for the architecture.
• 3:05
  wow.
• 3:06
  Those are my top my top go to's.
• 3:08
  Of course Switzerland is stunning, but ~ Yeah, yeah.
• 3:12
  Amsterdam for the architecture.
• 3:14
  Yeah.
• 3:14
  It's like living in a gingerbread house,~ town village. Yeah.
• 3:17
  Yeah, you know, that's funny, because I've been I actually have been there.
• 3:21
  And I don't know that I would have thought about that.
• 3:25
  But yeah, you're right. ~ well, yeah, yeah, we we did our fair share of space cakes there.
• 3:34
  That that's a well, I'm sure you guys know that's the the weed weed infused little cakes that they have their That was before weed was legal everywhere and it was like a big deal to be able to go there and buy things.
• 3:48
  But now like you can walk into any store in America, not in every state, but. ~ So what took you around the world so much?
• 3:58
  How was it just like, how did you get to travel so much?
• 4:01
  Yeah, my mom started it as a young at a young age.
• 4:04
  I was moved around probably every two years and I think most parents would be concerned for that not creating enough safety for their child.
• 4:13
  And what actually happened for me is that I l learned to move with total ease.
• 4:19
  And I was the new girl always, like often, right? So I learned how very quickly how to break the ice and so it served me.
• 4:30
  tremendously and then I was I was able to be a free spirit for the rest of like it I kept it going. I went to boarding school in Switzerland at fifteen years old and then from then I never came home.
• 4:41
  Kept going to I mean my mom still supported me and took care of me and I wasn't like, you know, a runaway child.
• 4:46
  But I I w was totally confident ~ that I can move to San Francisco without having ever been there or know anyone, right? Or move to Amsterdam or move like I just it was ha it it developed a confidence in me that I am capable of following my dreams and if I hear, hey, Aspen sounds cool, right? I I could do it. and Yeah.
• 5:13
  yeah, so I she she started it young and and I kept it going.
• 5:18
  You have a very unique relationship with your mother.
• 5:21
  You're~ very close. Like now you have a business with her and she's just, she's incredible. We should probably be interviewing her because she's a badass.
• 5:30
  ~ Uh-huh.
• 5:32
  Can we talk recently about your ~ experience with her with psychedelics?
• 5:38
  Absolutely. So ~ quick backstory.
• 5:41
  I like I said, left my went to boarding school at fifteen.
• 5:45
  I hadn't lived in the same city as her until opening Conscious Kitchen a year And then we went really?
• 5:51
  from not living in the same city to eight hours a day working together.
• 5:55
  And how old are you now? 48. Okay, I'm forty eight. Yeah. And seventy three now.
• 5:58
  how old is she? She's 73.
• 6:01
  Yeah. Yeah. It Wow, she's amazing. Okay, so yeah, that's a while you hadn't lived in the same city.
• 6:07
  yes, and there is probably good reason.
• 6:09
  We by day three or four we started ~ explosive fighting.
• 6:14
  ~ very two very strong women with you know, an ancestral trauma that got passed down.
• 6:21
  my mom was the eighth child out of a Holocaust survivor.
• 6:25
  So unknowingly, ~ she did her absolute best to love on me and to study Freud and to figure out how to raise me differently than how she was raised.
• 6:35
  She was passing on a lot of her pain through her outbursts, through her just emotional state.
• 6:42
  I because being an only child and without really a father around, I absorbed a lot of her pain. And and so I went on a 30 year quest to really understand what was going on in my body so that I could have a different response 'cause I was reacting to her with anger and yelling back, right? And like na I I would lose control and it just Mm-hmm.
• 7:08
  bothered me to the core. I was like, I need to heal this. I don't want show up this way And so literally I studied emotional intelligence, personal development trainings, workshops, spiritual contracts.
• 7:18
  I mean, sat with shamans around the world.
• 7:20
  I did As much personal development as I could get my hands on, from ancient wisdom to latest biohacking, I was all in on every healing modality I could test out and see how to get this energy that's stuck, these subconscious patterns that are stuck out and reframe it all so that I could have ~ a healthy operating system that stays in peace and rooted right in my love and connected to my higher self.
• 7:50
  And so that's been a lifelong mission for me,~ with the intention to heal this relationship dynamic with my mother and to show up the Did you have that with other people? Like that they would set you off or was it just with her?
• 8:03
  Just with her.
• 8:04
  Primarily just with her. I mean go yes, I got irritated at things, right?
• 8:09
  And there were moments, of course.
• 8:10
  But she was really the one person that could trigger me to the point of I Mm-hmm.
• 8:16
  don't yell. Like that's not nor none of my friends have seen they've seen spicy Right, right.
• 8:20
  Nikki.
• 8:23
  I can like I'm very nice and easy, but don't push me, right? Right.
• 8:27
  Right, right.
• 8:29
  But but yeah, I I I knew this needed to be healed.
• 8:34
  And so I long story short, after all of this work, this is why we're able to s open Conscious Kitchen.
• 8:40
  ~ is because I we had moments in this last year of like, you know, who's boss? Right? They're two very strong cooks in the kitchen Yeah. Mm-hmm.
• 8:50
  And ~ I don't need to be boss, but I needed my opinion to have equal value as hers.
• 8:58
  And she was trying to kind of make the decisions.
• 9:00
  And I was like, mm mm.
• 9:02
  I'm not a kid anymore. That's it's not that's not how it's gonna work.
• 9:05
  ~ so thanks to my training, I've learned how to have the heart to hearts.
• 9:11
  So I'd sit her down, we'd hold hands, she'd try to look away because she won't make eye contact.
• 9:15
  Well, she's mad. I was like, nope, we're not talking until you make eye contact.
• 9:18
  And I would not talk until she makes eye contact.
• 9:20
  She was trying to look away and like just blast, you know. I'm like, nope. So forced the eye contact.
• 9:27
  We took some deep breaths, we co-regulated, and then I'm ready to receive from her, okay, talk to me, tell me your truth, what's coming up for you? And I listened to what was coming up and I heard the stories that she was creating about my behavior and I repeated them back to her as conscious con communication tells you to do.
• 9:46
  And then make sure I got everything right, right? Is there anything else?
• 9:49
  Mm-hmm.
• 9:50
  And then I was able to share, because once she's been heard, she can receive my truth. And then Alright.
• 9:56
  I was able to share my my truth and and I realized that I had all these tapes playing from childhood that when she's correcting me or or telling me how to do something, right away that f triggers in my mind,~ she doesn't think I can get it right.
• 10:12
  I'm I can't d I can't get anything right from my mother.
• 10:15
  And that's the story I kept hearing.
• 10:18
  And it would send me into rage 'cause I would get so upset that she doesn't have faith in me. Like, why don't you believe in me? That was the story I had created as a Yeah.
• 10:27
  child.
• 10:28
  And it was completely false. She just naturally as a mother wants yeah, she's a little controlling. She likes things done her way.
• 10:36
  And she you know, it's a blessing as a mother to teach your child, you know, pass on the wisdom. And I was blocking it 'cause I had this story of nope, she it's it means something about me that she doesn't think I'm capable.
• 10:49
  All of that to say, I convinced my mother into sitting down and doing a five MEO D T journey with me. It's been about three weeks, three weeks ago now.
• 10:58
  And I saw you right after it. So that's a psychedelic, right? Explain what it is.
• 11:02
  It's one of the most powerful psychedelics~ there are.
• 11:05
  Yeah. So your brain actually can produce this. It's ~ DMT is something the brain your brain has the ability to breathe produce through holotropic breath work is one way to access it. It's also got what gets released right before you pass away and it kind of gives you a flashback of your whole life.
• 11:20
  but in this scenario you inhale a vapor and you lay back and everyone has a very different experience, exactly what they need.
• 11:30
  ~ for me I went into an absolute bliss state.
• 11:33
  Like unbelievable. Like it was like every cell in my body was glistening rainbow energy.
• 11:40
  It was just it was so much light and vibration and high vibration.
• 11:44
  It was like I was finally in tune with my innate state.
• 11:47
  My inner spirit was just like having the time of her life just like fluttering in front of me. All my like, you know, all the beauty.
• 11:57
  And then ~ it hit me to have my mother ~ come lay on top of me and she she literally I wanted to feel her heart to heart and I wanted to pour my love into her like I've never done before.
• 12:10
  Yeah. So she laid on top of me and I held on to her her head and her and I shared with her everything I've always wanted to say, how much I I see how much she did, how much she sacrificed, she gave me such incredible opportunities.
• 12:25
  She showed me the world, right?
• 12:27
  She poured all of her love, all of her protection.
• 12:30
  She was the most incredible mother ever.
• 12:32
  And we were both just melting and like right.
• 12:38
  But it came from it was like spirit to spirit, soul to soul, heart to heart, in such a deep, profound way. And that's what these psychedelics allow us to kind of dissolve the ego and really tune into Spirit. It's like it's ~ it's they say five E O D T is like having a conversation with God. You really get clear, it's like spirit to spirit. Like what is my real deep honest truth without all the stories, without all the BS, right? It's like what is what is my heart yeah.
• 13:10
  And what's your deep honest truth?
• 13:11
  What is your deep honest truth?
• 13:15
  Ooh. So in that moment it was to share with my mother how much I I loved and valued and appreciated her and she needed to hear it deeply.
• 13:23
  And her in her moment when she went through that and I'll get I'll get to your question more fully after with my full truth, but when she went through it right after me, her deepest truth was that she she really tried her hardest and she saw that I points in my life I hated her.
• 13:42
  Like she could feel it. I hated her.
• 13:44
  I didn't like who she was. And and it was so painful.
• 13:49
  It was so agonized. She held on to that.
• 13:51
  Like my daughter hates me.
• 13:55
  and it was to witness that and to to hold that her in that moment and then to support her and letting that go and both really connecting to I forgive you. Like I made mistakes, you made mistakes.
• 14:09
  They weren't intentional. We we served each other in growth and I forgive you deeply, like soul to soul.
• 14:16
  That's not something you'd get in therapy or it just doesn't it it it requires dissolving the ego to really get that level deep. it was profound.
• 14:32
  Yeah.
• 14:33
  It was, and you know, I, well, it was, I'm just chiming in because Yeah.
• 14:38
  I saw you guys, I came in the restaurant and it was probably like a couple days after you had done that.
• 14:47
  Mm.
• 14:47
  And I could even notice a shift.
• 14:50
  There was never, I never noticed anything weird or bad between the two of you at all. But I did sense a shift, like a.
• 14:59
  deep and loving. Like there was one point you went, I was sitting outside, you went inside, your mother came out to talk to me and she was looking at a picture of you on her phone. Like she picked up her phone and she, you know, I guess it's her screensaver on the phone and she looked at, was, look at this picture of Nikki and she was just looking at it with such adoration. She's like, she's just incredible. And I was like,~ That's so sweet.
• 15:23
  wow, damn, that's really nice.
• 15:27
  Yeah.
• 15:29
  Thank you. Yeah, it's Yeah, so I could sense that.
• 15:31
  it's created ~ a real understanding and a real deep sense of peace between us.
• 15:38
  And it's only been three weeks, but do you feel like it's stuck?
• 15:41
  Yeah, so there was about ~ a two week period thereafter where I was r really elevated. Like I was in my highest state.
• 15:51
  Anything and everything was possible.
• 15:54
  It was just like I was living in this complete, utter, ~ infinite possibilities space.
• 16:02
  And I think we all have access to that and it can be a forever state.
• 16:06
  There was a little bit of a okay, coming back down to day-to-day mundane, you know, moment afterwards.
• 16:14
  It was funny, I had half a glass of a tequila, of a margarita. And the next day my energy went down.
• 16:21
  ~ dropped, really? From the alcohol.
• 16:22
  Dropped tremendo and I like, okay, from the alcohol wow.
• 16:26
  knocked me off that high. Yeah.
• 16:29
  bummer.
• 16:30
  It was really noticeable. So I was like, okay, that's enough with the alcohol.
• 16:34
  ~ even just half a cup, half a glass.
• 16:36
  I didn't finish it. And I still.
• 16:38
  so Yeah, no and to say it i it it's lastable because i it we do have access to infinite possibilities.
• 16:50
  The only thing s stopping our reality of what w we can create is our limited beliefs, right?
• 16:58
  Our our own glass ceiling of what's possible for ourselves.
• 17:01
  Like I came out of that and I I got a phone call that week from a a girl that supports she supported four hundred women in becoming millionaires.
• 17:10
  And I got I was on that phone call and a past version of me would have been like,~ yeah, that's for them, not I don't know if I'm there.
• 17:18
  And in that call I like, Yeah, I'm next. Let's go. Like liter that Yep.
• 17:23
  was the vibration of my body. I was like, Yeah, full a full yes. Let's Yes.
• 17:28
  everything's possible. Let's go.
• 17:30
  Incredible. And then what what do think your full truth is back to that?
• 17:36
  Yeah, thank you. ~ so having traveled around the world, and having seen what humanity is doing to nature and having studied environmental management and sustainability at Harvard, I understand, w that we have now killed off seventy percent of the diversity on this planet.
• 17:59
  Extinct, like gone, not like coming back, we've not diminished, gone.
• 18:04
  And so if we s start to realize that like seventy percent of of diversity, scene.
• 18:10
  that's taken millions of years to evolve and create.
• 18:14
  And we have wiped it out since the Industrial Revolution in fifty years, we are wiping out the the very DNA, the very the the sentient beings on this planet because we are toxifying them to death.
• 18:30
  When are we gonna wake up and realize that that's also toxic to our being?
• 18:34
  We are also a sentient being, an animal on this planet, right? And and sadly, people only wake up when they get a diagnosis.
• 18:42
  If hopefully Right.
• 18:45
  some people wake up from a diagnosis and they're like, okay, something I'm doing is not right, it's not working. And the more I've studied, the more the the list of chemicals, the EPA has approved 86,000 chemicals.
• 18:58
  And I And they put the onus on the company to prove that they are safe.
• 19:02
  Well, what do you think a company's Right.
• 19:04
  gonna do? Right? Yeah, it's safe.
• 19:06
  Yeah, of course it's safe. Yeah, Don't worry. We got this Right.
• 19:08
  ~ that's why we're all, that's where this all comes from.
• 19:12
  And you actually created a program, TOCS, total toxic load assessment, right? Is that, Yeah. Yes.
• 19:20
  so do you feel like this is your purpose then in life?
• 19:22
  Yeah, very much. Tox is the No.
• 19:25
  starting point to to supporting the planet and detoxifying.
• 19:28
  And it starts with yourself, right?
• 19:30
  It starts with each individual person going through Tox will guide you through room by room in your home to find the the specific chemicals that are linked to the symptoms that you're feeling.
• 19:41
  Mm.
• 19:42
  It's awesome. It's a and it goes a few steps above, right? So it's it's not only toxins in your home.
• 19:50
  It's the toxins in your food and the toxic thoughts, it's toxins in your mind. Because Yeah.
• 19:54
  our toxic beliefs lead to dis-ease in the body.
• 19:59
  Right? If you have a a perfectionist tape running that I've got to get everything perfect, or else, or I have a people pleaser like I can't say no because they won't like me.
• 20:09
  But then inside you're kind of at war because I didn't say no.
• 20:12
  I didn't stand up for myself. I didn't speak my truth.
• 20:14
  And why didn't I do that? Right?
• 20:16
  You're kind of in this internal war state.
• 20:18
  Well that's cortisol is gonna be spiked in those states.
• 20:22
  Now you have higher levels of inflammation, you become more susceptible to all of these toxins that are in your food in your home. And it Mm.
• 20:29
  any breakdown on the weakest length, your genetics. That's when genetics come in.
• 20:34
  But it's only after all these other things have come in to trigger the g the genes to turn on and off.
• 20:40
  gosh, that's such a good point, Nikki. So kind of say that again.
• 20:46
  So it's the toxins and then your thoughts and then it breaks down your Winkersling, your DNA.
• 20:52
  Right. So someone was explained it to me this way and it makes it really clarifies it.
• 20:57
  If you think of what your body can hold and handle from a toxic load perspective, it's imagine a a tall glass. And if you start your your childhood off with some adverse childhood experiences, like maybe an abusive parent, and it could be not just physical, it could be mentally abusive parent, right? Of some kind. So you start off with some level of adverse childhood experiences.
• 21:22
  ~ they're called aces, and there's eight of them listed.
• 21:26
  ~ then you're Do you know what they are?
• 21:28
  Yeah, it can range from from verbal abuse, physical abuse, parent who abandoned or went to jail, alcohol use, like i it it's generally it's basically how you didn't get your needs met as a child.
• 21:41
  And there are levels, right? Some of us had real serious, like next level traumas, and some of us had maybe traumas that others would think that's not trauma.
• 21:50
  But to your childish brain, if you're if if you didn't get your needs met in that moment and our brains are designed to take everything personally, I'm not good enough to get my needs met, then it's it's registered as trauma.
• 22:03
  It has the same effect in the body as releasing cortisol I'm not good enough system. And then the brain collects evidence throughout your whole life, right, of how that's true. And so it stacks.
• 22:12
  ~ yeah.
• 22:16
  So you're predisposition to be like, I'm not good enough because I didn't have my needs met.
• 22:21
  And then you seek out, collect that evidence to make it so, wow, wow. Okay, and then what?
• 22:26
  Right, right. Yeah.
• 22:28
  And then so so now your cup is half full, right? 'Cause you've got you've kind of started off a little wonky.
• 22:34
  And then you add alcohol use, 'cause that's how most of us learn to cope.
• 22:37
  Or toxic cop food that isn't healthy for us, fried food, McDonald's, all these like things that are super unhealthy.
• 22:44
  Then you add antibiotics, use mold exposure,~ glyphosate.
• 22:50
  in the ~ non-organic foods, phthalates in your shampoo, parabens in your beauty products.
• 22:55
  You've got PFAS in your floss.
• 22:57
  I found that out taking my toxic yeah, I thought I'm all organic. I'm totally fine.
• 23:00
  What? ~ I took the toxin. It was like, what kind of floss do you use?
• 23:05
  I'm like, Oral B. They're yeah, no, that's PFAS. That is you're I am whacking my my gums, most sensitive absorbing~ my God.
• 23:13
  tissues in my body with PFAS multiple times a day.
• 23:16
  Forever chemicals.
• 23:16
  my gosh.
• 23:17
  These things stay in your body and they don't go away.
• 23:20
  They cause fatigue, they cause weight gain, thyroid disruption from floss.
• 23:25
  that damn dental floss. I mean, So do everything right? You think you do everything you think you do everything right.
• 23:29
  Okay, go ahead, keep going.
• 23:31
  right and then all of a sudden the cup is so full it's overflowing and you break down and you have some kind of diagnosis or you're like can't get out of bed, right? And you have brain fog and you can't like think straight and you can't lose weight, of course, because the body will hold on to fat cells.
• 23:44
  That's where toxins get stored.
• 23:46
  It's the safest place to put a toxin is in a fat cell, because it's not really disrupting, you know, your muscles or your brain cells.
• 23:54
  You want to store it in fat. So you hold on to fat cells.
• 23:57
  Naturally. So you c you won't be able to lose weight until you detoxify.
• 24:00
  And then all of a sudden the weight falls off.
• 24:03
  We lead people through our program and the weight all of a sudden falls off to stuff a weight that they couldn't lose for years because they've detoxified the body. And because we're all exposed to these exposures, ideally you don't wait till you have ~ some kind of f you know, fatal diagnosis, a health scare. Yeah.
• 24:18
  right? ~ we all need a cleaning out so we get that cup back down and and we learn and we have to learn what are these beliefs.
• 24:26
  That are starting our cup half full.
• 24:27
  What what are the root Mm-hmm.
• 24:29
  of it? And as an adult, you can kind of look back in that childhood experience and be like, okay, my mom was doing the best she could.
• 24:34
  And I didn't need to form that belief.
• 24:36
  It had actually had nothing to do with me.
• 24:38
  It wasn't personal. Right? And my mom reprimanded me that I got B pluses instead of A's. She wasn't telling me I wasn't good enough to get it.
• 24:46
  She was saying, You're totally capable of getting A's, but my my little brain heard. She didn't mommy, I can't get it right from my mommy.
• 24:52
  I'm not good enough. Right?
• 24:54
  So it doesn't have to be these massive traumas.
• 24:56
  You didn't have to get beaten.
• 24:58
  But you could develop these little beliefs that then cause low level chronic stress in the body throughout your entire life.
• 25:05
  body is so simple and so complicated.
• 25:08
  It's really amazing. Really, that's what I was going to say.
• 25:10
  And it's a healing machine though.
• 25:12
  It wants to heal. Yeah. Yeah.
• 25:13
  And it wants to heal. That's its, you know, that's its level. It wants to heal.
• 25:19
  Yeah, so that's what we do at Conscious Kitchen.
• 25:21
  We we are not healers, right? We teach you how to ignite your own body's innate ability to heal.
• 25:27
  When you cut yourself, Yeah.
• 25:28
  you don't have to tell your body how to heal.
• 25:29
  It does it right away, as soon as fast as fast as possible.
• 25:32
  Right? And we you could support it maybe with some neosport.
• 25:36
  I mean I don't even know if that's good anymore, but like but Well, yeah, right. Who knows?
• 25:40
  ~ the body wants to heal. So we we take the toxins out, we put the right nutrition back in.
• 25:46
  We calm the nervous system, we tra right, we we work on those beliefs, we shift that paradigm on the internal and your body will heal so rapidly within twenty one days of our program.
• 25:57
  You people are blown It's incredible.
• 25:58
  away by the results.
• 25:59
  Yeah, well, I haven't done that.
• 26:01
  haven't done that. I've only eaten your delicious food.
• 26:03
  So that's I can I can attest to that.
• 26:06
  ~ That's the starting part.
• 26:07
  That's the starting. Okay, well, thank you for walking us through that.
• 26:10
  ~ I would I really want to talk to you today is about authenticity because I don't know, you and I just hit it right off.
• 26:20
  Like I feel like our, you know, we just like I don't know, we just had that soul connection.
• 26:26
  Like we just really hit it off right away.
• 26:28
  But to me, you are a very authentic person.
• 26:31
  I think that's what I love about you.
• 26:33
  And Tim, well, I want to hear what you, what do you think authenticity means?
• 26:38
  Yeah.
• 26:39
  So authenticity is a deep knowing of who you are and it's almost like I've had to release any mask that I thought I had to wear to be lovable. Right?
• 26:54
  So now you get to experience, okay,~ my full truth in like this moment I'm having a really tough day, or I had this thought, ~ this belief about myself that I wasn't good enough, right? I can say that without Any fear of like repercussions, she's not gonna love me anymore.
• 27:11
  I can be fully authentic in who I am, my fullness of humanity. We are all complex being.
• 27:18
  I am bright, light, beautiful, loving, fun, funny, all the things.
• 27:23
  And I can be angry, hurt, sad, right? I'm all of it. We are all of these, and we've been taught to like repress all of these like so-called negative dark emotions and and hide them.
• 27:38
  no, no, no, don't let the public see that version of me, right? So that's where it's funny, someone was like actually on my podcast once and they said that's what the slogan, keep Austin weird, actually creates a culture of authenticity.
• 27:51
  Because you're allowed to be yourself here.
• 27:52
  Hmm. Yeah.
• 27:54
  Weird is welcome.
• 27:55
  Yeah.
• 27:57
  It's beautiful.
• 27:58
  You know, I grew up just three hours away from here in Houston and we decided to move here. was, gosh, 31 maybe, 32. And it just felt like as soon as I got here, I was like, This is home. Like when Mm-hmm.
• 28:14
  we would fly back, not to shit on Houston, sorry Houston, but when Ha ha.
• 28:18
  we were flying back like from a vacation and you you're looking out the plane window and you can see you're over your city, I'd be like, no, okay, we're home.
• 28:28
  But you know, with a little trepidation, but when I fly over Austin and we're landing, I'm like, yay, we're home.
• 28:35
  Mm.
• 28:35
  I love it, I'm so happy here. Like it just is the right vibe for me.
• 28:40
  I for me, I mean, I think that's a great ~ definition of authenticity.
• 28:46
  for and this is really the same thing.
• 28:48
  But just for me, what I feel like is now at this age at 57 years old, I feel like I know myself so well that I can fully be who I am.
• 29:00
  And I don't want to be anybody else.
• 29:03
  But, you know, as a younger person, I feel like well, it's I think that that's pretty easy as a younger person not to fully know yourself.
• 29:11
  That's just growth in life and you hadn't had as much.
• 29:14
  And I feel like, like for me, if somebody says, oh, we're going to go skiing.
• 29:20
  Why don't you go on this ski vacation with us?
• 29:22
  You know, when I was younger, I'd be like, oh yeah, that sounds fun. But I hate being cold.
• 29:27
  I'm, I've the only time I ever skied.
• 29:30
  I went to the emergency room. I mean, from barreling down the mountain.
• 29:34
  I mean, I'd be like, no, no.
• 29:37
  That sounds terrible. Now I'll go with you if you want and I'll sit in the whatever chalet, whatever it is and drink hot cocoa and wait for you or have a, you know, a drink and you know, I'll socialize, but I don't like skiing.
• 29:51
  I don't like being cold. Like I just know myself.
• 29:53
  I don't, I don't want to do any, not that I don't want to, you know, have experiences outside my comfort zone, but I'm just using it as an example of I know myself.
• 30:03
  I know what I like. I know what I want.
• 30:05
  and I know who I am. And I think with having a podcast, it's been really important because, you know, there's so many podcasts out there.
• 30:14
  I could be like, well, I'm not Mel Robbins.
• 30:17
  I should be doing this. I should be doing that.
• 30:19
  But I'm not Mel Robbins. And, you know, hopefully the people who ~ find me interesting will find me.
• 30:28
  That's all I could hope for because I just have to be myself, you know? That's what it feels like to me.
• 30:31
  Yeah. Yeah. I love it. And yourself, by the way, is absolutely fantastic. That it was e so easy to love you.
• 30:39
  ~ yeah. Because you're~ thank you. Same.
• 30:41
  so authentic. There are no masks.
• 30:43
  I can trust that. I can trust you because there are no masks.
• 30:46
  That's the difference, right? Because I I what you see is what I get and I know and I can trust that you're gonna say no when you don't wanna do something.
• 30:54
  Mmm.
• 30:55
  And and that is I think the key lesson I'm actually learning also is that I can trust myself when I know I will say no, when I when I will be truthful in my no.
• 31:08
  Yeah.
• 31:09
  Last night I went on a date and the guy was insisting that I get a glass of champagne with him and I was like, I have this podcast in the morning.
• 31:15
  I don't want a glass of champagne, I'm gonna get a little drink, and he's like trying to like push me into it.
• 31:19
  I like, No, no, I'm good with this drink, an older version of it and be Yeah, sure, get the drink. I override my no to people please.
• 31:26
  And you don't do Mm-hmm.
• 31:28
  that when you really are fully authentic.
• 31:29
  You learned and yeah, because otherwise if I Yeah.
• 31:32
  can't trust me to to stand up for myself and what I truly desire Then I can't trust others. And others Yeah.
• 31:40
  can't trust me.
• 31:42
  That's such a good point. I hadn't really thought about it that way that others can trust you because you're always showing up as yourself.
• 31:49
  So they can trust you. You're consistent and it makes them more at ease.
• 31:54
  I kind of didn't even piece that together.
• 31:57
  That's a good point.
• 31:57
  Hmm. it's a recent learning. I think we're all taught to override our nose.
• 32:05
  We're taught it from childhood.
• 32:07
  You know that before five years old you cannot get a kid to eat more food than he's full? Right. They will spit it right back out in your face.
• 32:13
  Right. I, yes. Yes.
• 32:16
  Right?
• 32:17
  And then at five years old they get the memo, you're not leaving the table until you finish all your food.
• 32:23
  And they sit there and they override the signal from their body saying you're full and they keep putting food in.
• 32:29
  And that's the starting point of all these food addictions and this like coping mechanism and r like all this people pleasing.
• 32:35
  It's like we are taught to not honor our own body signal.
• 32:39
  Why are we, why do we do that to our kids?
• 32:42
  Yeah, we don't want them to starve to death.
• 32:42
  We have good intentions, we want them to eat.
• 32:45
  We want them to get all the nourishment.
• 32:46
  Eat. my God.
• 32:47
  It's all sourced in love. It's just shitty delivery.
• 32:51
  Yeah.
• 32:53
  I feel like I tried not to do that one.
• 32:55
  I messed my kids up in all kinds of ways, but maybe not that one. ~ Ha ha ha.
• 32:58
  So cute. Okay, wait. Yeah, can we go one more place?
• 32:59
  But yeah. Yes. Keep.
• 33:02
  Because this is so important with the authenticity part. the the Botox and the boobies, right? And I was subscribed to all of it.
• 33:11
  I had giant implants. I used to d I You just got those out, right?
• 33:15
  just got those out ~ two months ago.
• 33:18
  The transition has been mind blowing.
• 33:22
  First of all, I had no idea how inauthentic I felt in my body.
• 33:25
  I was hiding them because I didn't want to f look so like like I was trying to get me some every time I wore anything low cut, right? Like I didn't Yeah.
• 33:33
  feel they were they just didn't rep they weren't me.
• 33:38
  Why'd you get them in the first place?
• 33:40
  I was living in Miami, ~ very enough said, No, said. Just kidding. No, go ahead.
• 33:45
  right? Like, yeah, no, Keep going.
• 33:47
  but like I wasn't fully happy with my body.
• 33:49
  I thought they'd make my body mook look more like the right shape.
• 33:53
  ~ I wanted to feel more voluptuous and womanly, and I did. I got them in. I was like, Whoa, this is feminine. Like I felt so feminine.
• 34:02
  And that was my biggest fear getting them out.
• 34:04
  I'm like, am I gonna lose my femininity?
• 34:07
  Because that's I mean they were assigned to these boobies.
• 34:10
  I was sexy, you know, I walk in, I could get a man's attention pretty damn quickly with these they were huge.
• 34:14
  Yeah, they were big. I don't think I realized it, but I just saw an old picture of you and I was like,~ they were. Okay, They look bigger in pictures, but yes.
• 34:22
  yes.
• 34:23
  But no, they were huge. ~ but then also the Botox, right? The Botox was essential for me to look in the mirror and like be happy with what I saw. ~ thank goodness, but biggest blessing of my life, I ran completely out of money and I couldn't afford the damn five hundred, seven hundred dollar Botox, right?
• 34:40
  And I had to learn and literally train myself, and it took a long time to look in the mirror and see beauty.
• 34:48
  'Cause I did not like what I saw in the mirror.
• 34:51
  I stopped Mm.
• 34:51
  the Botox, I stopped the eyelashes and I thought I looked hideous.
• 34:56
  I was like, There is no man that's gonna be attracted to this.
• 34:59
  Like Okay, this is, if you're watching on YouTube, you're laughing right along now, but I mean, Yeah.
• 35:04
  but you know, okay.
• 35:06
  No, but it took a it took a hot minute.
• 35:08
  It probably took a full year for me to look in the mirror and I kept forcing it.
• 35:13
  I was like, see the beauty. I love you.
• 35:14
  I love you and I love you. And I kept just instead of looking at my face, looking at my energy and my vibrancy, the life that was coming through my eyes and the love, all the love that I was pouring through my eyes.
• 35:26
  And I just kept focusing on that instead of the vi the the physical.
• 35:31
  And it took a year of training.
• 35:34
  For me to look in the mirror and be like, Okay, I get it. You're pretty You are pretty, you're pretty.
• 35:40
  That's, and so that's really, I like that advice.
• 35:44
  you know, and I'm not telling any, we're not telling anybody don't get boobs, don't get Botox. Everybody gets to do what they want to do.
• 35:52
  ~ But if you want to try to look at yourself with a more loving light, is there, is that just something you do every day?
• 36:04
  You just look in the mirror and try to, what do you do? Kind of walk us through that.
• 36:06
  Yeah. I look in the I look in the mirror and I I shine light of like I love you.
• 36:10
  I love who you are. And you is now an interesting word, right? And you would think to say I.
• 36:15
  But you is like when you get when you get love from your parent, for example, or you get wiz wisdom or advice from a coach, they say you. And so it's almost like the higher self is talking to through and to me.
• 36:31
  Hmm.
• 36:31
  So I love you.
• 36:33
  I love who you are. I love how you show up.
• 36:35
  I love your laugh. I love your smile.
• 36:37
  I love right and it's interesting when you shift.
• 36:40
  Try playing with that word from I to you.
• 36:42
  There's a lot to goes behind like I am lovable.
• 36:45
  I am like starting your sentence with I am, but start playing with you and see what happens.
• 36:49
  ~ one part that I didn't mention is that when I stop the Botox, it you you go you're you're you actually go much more wrinkled and then you kinda come back 'cause the muscles have been asleep for so long.
• 37:02
  they have to learn how to work again.
• 37:04
  And so I looked I went from looking 35, despite being forty five, to my real age forty five within the three months of Botox wearing out. So I aged a decade.
• 37:17
  And then some because Hmm, that's tough.
• 37:19
  the muscles still had to like learn to work again.
• 37:22
  Right? So it was scary look at I had to like absorb that I am a decade older.
• 37:30
  I think, yeah, I remember when we talked the last time when you were on the podcast last time, and you said your friend said to you, are you letting yourself go? That just shocked me that your friend said that to I guess because she was still in that space.
• 37:45
  ~ yes. and I have a few girlfriends that are still in that space that ad absolutely insist on having the Botox and looking absolutely perfect, and that's what that's what is needed for them to look in the mirror and be loving to themselves and to feel lovable.
• 38:02
  And so I don't want to take that away.
• 38:03
  Like I get it, I was there, I understand.
• 38:05
  And the other side of like not needing it and to the the Again, because I ran out of money, I was forced into this. This was not by choice.
• 38:15
  Let me make that clear. All right.
• 38:17
  I was forced into it and I was forced to love who I am instead, who my being, not my face, not my perfection, that I grew to really be connected and deeply rooted in my conviction, my love for myself.
• 38:34
  So it was such a bless and I want that now for everyone.
• 38:38
  I want them I want everyone to not need any kind of toxic I mean, it's you sign a five page waiver.
• 38:44
  This is the most toxic stuff on the planet.
• 38:46
  And we're injecting it right behind our prefrontal cortex.
• 38:50
  It's in the name, it's called a neurotoxin.
• 38:53
  what Yeah.
• 38:53
  I, you know, I've had it a couple times, I haven't had it in years, but ~ well, like maybe a year, I think my neighbor, Sally, who was on the, she was also on that same panel that we did, because Sally works at, ~ you know, like a, not a med spa, kind of a, Aesthetic. Yeah.
• 39:08
  yeah, aesthetic place.
• 39:09
  And she was like, I'll give you free Botox.
• 39:11
  And I was like, okay. And so I, Not being authentic. But you know, there was part of me that wanted it.
• 39:18
  I was like, okay.
• 39:19
  Yeah.
• 39:20
  And so I went in and luckily it didn't take.
• 39:22
  as she was, because I don't know, my body rejected, but as they have to shoot it into your glabella, which is that space right between your Yeah.
• 39:30
  eyebrows, which is your third eye.
• 39:32
  And Yeah.
• 39:32
  as she was shooting it in there, I was thinking to myself, she's shooting a neurotoxin into my third eye.
• 39:39
  I was like, wow. That was when I was having an authentic moment of thinking.
• 39:43
  this probably is not the right thing for me just because of that alone.
• 39:47
  Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and they don't report the sorry, then when it didn't, yeah.
• 39:51
  go ahead.
• 39:52
  ~ I just was saying then when it didn't really take, Sally was like, I've never really seen this before.
• 39:57
  I was like, yeah, my body's like, that's not for you, girl. I don't know.
• 40:02
  But yeah, it was a relief.
• 40:02
  Yeah. A and and there are p ser real complications that then the doctor will take no ownership to.
• 40:08
  No, that wasn't the Botox. I and and women are getting paralyzed in all sorts of not good ways. yeah, but it's it this these are in this are have incredible detrimental ~ effects on your health and your well being.
• 40:22
  So w what becomes more valuable,~ looking in the mirror and seeing yourself and loving who you are.
• 40:32
  Or or or looking perfect and taking ser serious risks with your health.
• 40:37
  Long term repercuss there are long term repercussions to injecting your head with the most toxic poison on the planet.
• 40:45
  Like let's w I I feel like we're pretending.
• 40:48
  and and we we've been we but we live in a society that aging isn't~ respected and that you need to look perfect and pretty and that's right.
• 40:59
  So yeah.
• 41:00
  Yeah, I read that. I forget who said this.
• 41:04
  You know what? It might have been.
• 41:05
  Oh my gosh, I'm forgetting her name.
• 41:08
  Justine Bateman. She's written a lot about it and I think she said an aging face makes men angry and I was like, wow, that's kind of crazy.
• 41:23
  It makes men angry animals.
• 41:26
  I was like, I wonder what the science behind that is or why.
• 41:30
  I don't think it's science. I think it's conditioning, to be honest. ~ But that's interesting.
• 41:36
  So now the bottom line is you feel really good with your breast implants out and your.
• 41:42
  ~ God, yeah. Massive turning point.
• 41:45
  I I the the the wildest by the way, side note, there are things you can do that are natural.
• 41:51
  Castor oil, you can do all sorts of facials, you can do all sorts of fun things that are not invasive, that are not toxic Yeah.
• 41:58
  to the body, that can like brighten the skin and and reduce the fine wrinkles, right? It's it doesn't mean like, okay, now you're just left to age.
• 42:05
  Right.
• 42:06
  But y the the the like the the Kim Kardashian look is not essential for your Right. That's That's the that's that's it. But funny that you said Kim Kardashian, because I'm writing this book and I'm talking about this a lot in the book.
• 42:22
  And I say, all right, if you feel like you really need to do something, I'm not judging anybody, but you don't have to go full Kardashian.
• 42:29
  That's exactly the thing I said.
• 42:31
  you know what, I've been doing ~ face yoga.
• 42:35
  I've had Famiko Takatsu on, the Face Yoga Method Lady, and working on re, I don't know, waking up your muscles.
• 42:44
  Strengthening. Yeah.
• 42:45
  Yeah, strengthening your muscles in your face.
• 42:47
  And I've been doing ~ rose hip oil.
• 42:51
  I Mm.
• 42:52
  was doing castor oil with ~ frankincense in it.
• 42:57
  And now I'm doing rose hip oil.
• 43:00
  And my gosh, I really, I love it.
• 43:03
  It's very Yeah.
• 43:04
  smoothing.
• 43:05
  Yeah. I just got that's so funny you say that.
• 43:07
  I picked up rose tip oil last week.
• 43:09
  I love it. It's love it's so nice.
• 43:09
  That's funny. I love it. Yeah,~ yeah.
• 43:12
  so you're right. You don't have to just like be like, I guess I'll look like a bag now, but.
• 43:17
  Right.
• 43:17
  That yeah. And that's my best friend's mentality of like it's either I'm going all the way to perfection or I'm giving up on myself.
• 43:25
  No. No. That's not no.
• 43:28
  There's a bit there's a lot in the middle.
• 43:28
  Yes, you could, there is a lot in the middle that's not toxic.
• 43:30
  Right? Yeah. One thing I really Yeah, that's good.
• 43:34
  wanna add, ~ when I got the the boobies out, the implants, it was a dis like an absolute noticeable marked the day ~ shift in my nervous system to where my mom cannot trigger me.
• 43:49
  Normally she, you know, she's very feisty.
• 43:51
  She's got a lot of like she she when she feels something, like there's a there's a reaction.
• 43:57
  She's got to get her emotions up and out.
• 43:59
  And it comes out of these like bursts, right? Where before it was like literally I would jump.
• 44:04
  Like I might I would like be startled, you know? And then it was like a nervous system reaction.
• 44:08
  And I felt like there was attacks.
• 44:10
  Like I was being attacked all day.
• 44:12
  My nervous system felt like attacked. The day I had them out and from that moment on, no charge in my body, no reaction, no jumping, nothing. She does her little thing.
• 44:23
  I'm like, let me know when you're done.
• 44:25
  What? do you think that is?
• 44:26
  I think one of my bags, ~ one of the implants had actually erupted, so it was spilling out silicone into my body.
• 44:34
  So imagine the nervous system is on like hyper drive right now with with all these ca f like a free floating silicone in my body.
• 44:42
  Right?
• 44:43
  Yikes.
• 44:44
  And I'm and I had five hundred C Cs.
• 44:46
  So we're not the that's a significant amount.
• 44:50
  So when that all came out, my whole nervous I'm telling you, when you take the toxicity out of your body, your nervous system calms down.
• 44:57
  Because i imagine if your cells are like this, they're they're they're full of toxins.
• 45:01
  jangling, yeah. Wow, Yeah. Super, that's... ~ super valuable.
• 45:08
  And I've seen them, they're lovely.
• 45:08
  Yeah. Thank you.
• 45:10
  Your breasts that you have now, they are just absolutely, they did a great job.
• 45:14
  my god, I've never beamed so much love at my body before in my life.
• 45:16
  I love them more than ever before.
• 45:18
  Ever. I'm so happy, and you appreciate them more. Yeah.
• 45:21
  so appreciative.
• 45:23
  I wanna like just take care of them.
• 45:24
  They're like my little my little girls.
• 45:27
  You're the little girls. So, but you feel more yourself now, One hundred percent. Yeah, now that you're not doing all those things.
• 45:33
  Yeah.
• 45:34
  and I can wear a nice low cut dress and I look elegant, you know?
• 45:38
  Yeah.
• 45:38
  I look I look respectable and classy and and and sweet, sexy but innocent, you know, whereas ~ before it was really like it was it it clearly showed that I was trying to get attention.
• 45:51
  That my my desperately needed this to to get attention.
• 45:54
  This is what I felt I needed to feel feel lovable and attractive to a man.
• 46:01
  Aw, Nikki, when you put it like that.
• 46:01
  To a certain type of man. Yeah.
• 46:03
  Yeah, that's right, to a certain man.
• 46:04
  To a that's right, to a certain man.
• 46:06
  Aw.
• 46:06
  Yeah. There are certain men that love this. They want the Barbie doll.
• 46:09
  Great. Not me anymore.
• 46:11
  Yeah, Not me.
• 46:13
  that might not be, well, I don't wanna start bashing on men now, but that might not be the man you wanna attract.
• 46:20
  What is, yeah, that might not be the man you wanna attract, Yeah, not all men are like this.
• 46:24
  I don't I I no.
• 46:25
  think there are many men out there who are like, no, give me the natural. They want to see you natural in the morning.
• 46:29
  They don't like the makeup. They don't like the caked face.
• 46:31
  They don't like all that stuff.
• 46:32
  Yeah. Yeah.
• 46:33
  We're doing it. Now I don't think most men are not asking for this.
• 46:38
  No, I know my husband's not and my boobs could use a yank up or you know, but he's like, he but I think when he I know he finds me incredibly beautiful.
• 46:52
  ~ He tells me all the time. And you know, we've talked about it before. I'm like, would you like me to do that? He's like, are you freaking kidding me? He's like, you think I want you to have surgery for fun?
• 47:02
  Like with all those risks? He's like, Right. Yeah.
• 47:04
  I think you're just so beautiful as you are, know, and so Mm.
• 47:09
  I just, yeah, I know that there are men out there that don't need that, want that. Yeah.
• 47:16
  Yeah. One hundred percent. Yeah.
• 47:19
  Yeah.
• 47:20
  There's just so many different ways we could go.
• 47:23
  mean, what else do you wanna talk?
• 47:25
  Do you wanna talk about attracting?
• 47:27
  Do you wanna talk about?
• 47:29
  your diabetes, what do you wanna talk about?
• 47:32
  There's so many things with you, we could talk for five hours, so let's limit I know.
• 47:35
  it.
• 47:36
  Well, I'm curious, ~ I'm I'm gonna throw it back at you if I may in a moment.
• 47:41
  Yes.
• 47:43
  what's coming up for you to work on in this moment that like you're noticing, like, ooh, I have this kind of behavior pattern or I have this ~ Okay, I can share actually one coming up for me unless something's coming Okay, no, up for you.
• 47:56
  I have one too, but you go ahead.
• 47:58
  So ~ it was interesting. So I I did this five MEO DMT.
• 48:02
  It was supposed to be a private experience.
• 48:04
  We paid for it to be a private experience.
• 48:06
  I understood Yeah.
• 48:07
  This is back to the psychedelic we're talking about now.
• 48:09
  Yeah. And I was under the impression it's gonna be I asked permission because normally privates are one or two people.
• 48:15
  I said, Could it be my best friend, my mom and I? And they said yes.
• 48:19
  So I was under the assumption without really clarifying myself that that meant that price that they listed is good for the three people. They're making an exception.
• 48:28
  day before they announced that they're gonna bring in another person, we don't know. And I was like, Huh? This goes back to the not saying no, right? And I was like, Well, I don't know that I'm comfortable with that.
• 48:39
  That doesn't feel good. Like ~ Michael's a very private man.
• 48:43
  Like I like I I try to like throw on layers of like making it obvious yeah.
• 48:47
  Michael is your best friend. Yeah.
• 48:49
  And and the facilitator did not get the memo.
• 48:53
  She pushed for no no no, this girl's safe, don't worry, she's good, you're you're fine, she'll be fine. And I overrid my no Mm-hmm.
• 49:02
  and I trusted everything will turn out as it should.
• 49:05
  And sh you know, it's very i it it probably did.
• 49:11
  And my like biggest fear and the reason why I wanted private is because it's my mother first time You don't know what's gonna happen for someone in one of these psychedelic They might have That's right.
• 49:22
  the sh this girl ended up having the release of her life.
• 49:25
  Full on full on screams and releasing and brrrr and wreathing in her body and like convulsing gosh.
• 49:34
  and all the things, right? Like in her mind, it was the most cathartic, incredible, detoxing, right? Like amazing experience of her life.
• 49:43
  My mother watching this.
• 49:46
  was sending her into her utmost fear place.
• 49:49
  Like this is why she didn't want to do it.
• 49:50
  because your mother was gonna go next. You were just going one at a time is what you told me, Right, right, right. No, right? It's not like ayahuasca where everybody drinks it, throws up, poops, goes at the same time.
• 49:58
  no. One at a time. Yeah.
• 50:00
  This is everybody goes one at a time.
• 50:02
  Yeah, because you go fifteen min fifteen to forty five minutes, And it doesn't last a long time, you told me. It's only... Okay, but fifteen was mine.
• 50:08
  that was a good selling point for me, because I was like, I don't wanna be like this for hours.
• 50:10
  Yeah. In and out and you can drive home.
• 50:12
  Okay. ~ That's insanity.
• 50:13
  Like it's that's why I love this stuff.
• 50:15
  Yeah. And it's Okay.
• 50:16
  profound levels of healing. So anyway,~ she finishes her her series and I look at my mother, she goes, I'm not gonna do it.
• 50:23
  I'm not going. And No kidding.
• 50:28
  like I had to go in and show her what it could also be like and I was in bliss and joy and then I poured my love into her, right? So I like I I showed her the what also could happen.
• 50:40
  And then she went ~ so long story short, I I got very charged about this facilitator ~ just kind of overriding my no and and and and I of course pointed the dagger at her and and cast her to be the blame. and I created this whole story in my head, right, about how ~ I was kind of victimized, right, or violated strong word, but like my needs weren't met.
• 51:10
  And it what I realized, my friend Michael actually supported me in seeing, like, so there's this ener emotion wheel.
• 51:16
  You gotta get one. They're phenomenal.
• 51:18
  In the center, there's anger. And he's like, anger is just kind of like a blanket term.
• 51:22
  There's layers deeper. And so I pulled out my emotion wheel and the next layer, the only word on the list of like ten that really hit me was bitter.
• 51:30
  I was bitter. I was like salty bitter at this stuff, right? And the next word deeper than that was violated.
• 51:38
  And so I got to the root of the actual emotion that was like coming up because Michael didn't have a charge.
• 51:43
  He's like, Yeah, the girl released it was great.
• 51:45
  She he loved it. Like, no problem.
• 51:46
  Meanwhile, I was pissed. I got out of the like thing.
• 51:50
  I like, I had a magical experience, all blessings, whatever. I was pissed.
• 51:53
  Right. And he's like, That's Mm.
• 51:56
  your work. That's not that's not the facilitator.
• 52:00
  That's that came up for you.
• 52:01
  This is part of the journey is like things come up and things don't work as you expect. And that those are the juju blessing moments.
• 52:08
  Well, my mother often would tell me one thing to get me to do something that I didn't really want to do. Right.
• 52:14
  And so I had this like violation sense in my being.
• 52:19
  And that showed it to me.
• 52:22
  And as soon as I could it take ownership of like, I didn't say no when I I could have said, no, that's not gonna work. We're out.
• 52:31
  Mike I I could have been a strong no.
• 52:33
  I wasn't. I was Yeah.
• 52:36
  I kinda allowed it. So anyway, these things ~ these things So were you bitter at yourself? You were mad at yourself?
• 52:45
  Or what?
• 52:45
  I I no, mad at myself, no, I it was ~ not mad because that doesn't support me.
• 52:51
  ~ I it became evidence of ~ like I s you remember stacking evidence.
• 52:56
  Yes. ~ This is evidence of how saying my speaking my truth is essential.
• 53:00
  And standing Okay.
• 53:01
  in my truth, not just like saying it and then being washed over, right? Being like, No, Yeah.
• 53:05
  this actually does not feel good for me, thank you, but no.
• 53:08
  That's interesting that that's what came up.
• 53:10
  ~ Ha ha.
• 53:12
  It's everything is a teacher, right?
• 53:15
  Everything.
• 53:15
  I so that's what is it called an emotion wheel?
• 53:18
  A motion wheel.
• 53:18
  it's a must. Yeah. You can order one on Amazon for like twelve or seventeen dollars.
• 53:23
  They come on this little aluminum ~ and you it's I bril I pulled it out from my client yesterday. We walked through, she was feeling sadness and I got her all the way to the root ca cause of it and it was actually this like sense of not beha you know, right back to the like somehow her needs weren't being met and she was bawling.
• 53:40
  And she's like, my god, I'm creating this same like experience again where I My roommates asked me to leave and I'm in this like space of feeling very unsafe.
• 53:48
  Childhood experience. Like that Yeah.
• 53:51
  same child not s childhood experience, childhood emotion. Right? That's replaying Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
• 53:57
  until she's able to sit with it and then choose something different.
• 53:59
  Yeah, that's okay. That's interesting that it just keeps coming back to that the root, the root cause the root thing that yours.
• 54:08
  I guess you just have to get to I guess that comes from therapy or being quiet or sitting with your feelings and thinking about what are those root things that we're talking about. I'm having Shelly Lefkoe on.
• 54:24
  Do know Shelly Lefkoe? She's No.
• 54:27
  ~ limiting beliefs.
• 54:29
  I don't know if your episode is Love it.
• 54:30
  going to air before or after hers.
• 54:34
  So I don't know what order we're doing this yet, but ~ she's like the preeminent person on limiting beliefs and I'm Amazing. I can't wait to hear it.
• 54:41
  so excited to talk to her.
• 54:44
  we'll find some more out about that.
• 54:46
  But because I just threw out their diabetes, I just want to say that you have type one diabetes, right? Not type two.
• 54:52
  Yes. Yeah.
• 54:54
  And you probably came to, you have it under good control with your diet and can we touch on that for once?
• 55:03
  Yeah, can we?
• 55:03
  Yeah. Yeah. I mean, look, it it's it's ~ it's a daily ride.
• 55:08
  I've got much better control than ever before.
• 55:10
  ~ Yeah.
• 55:11
  first steps was getting the PhD in holistic health, learning how to c adjust the diet.
• 55:16
  I was having way too much fat in my diet, which actually leads to insulin resistance.
• 55:18
  Yes. Yep.
• 55:20
  ~ that's kind of my blood sugars look like the Himalayas, you know, all the way Yeah.
• 55:26
  up, all the way down, all the way up, you know, disaster. And then so that kind of minimized it where I was more like the rolling hills in Apple.
• 55:33
  Right? But there is still rolling hills and then the emotional intelligence work and the sitting with these emotions that come because stressors release sugar.
• 55:41
  When you're stressed, Mm.
• 55:42
  your body releases sugar, so you can run away.
• 55:44
  So it doesn't even have to do with food.
• 55:45
  That's all mind. So calming the nervous system and and getting really clear on what these stories are in our brains that are causing the stress because it's never the situation. I Mike for example, Mike went through that journey, he was totally fine.
• 56:02
  I came out of it pissed. It's our reactions to our experiences that cause our internal state and whether there's a cascade of ~ cortisol and chemic hormones, right? Chemicals that are sending stress signals to the body, or you're in bliss and you're totally fine.
• 56:19
  Yeah.
• 56:19
  ~ so getting really clear on what those stories are w was when I got much better control. And then still it's it then it's like adjusting the insulin and ~ diabetes is A never ending adjustment, type one, ~ to like Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Type one.
• 56:37
  becoming very sensitive of where I am, what are my food cravings, am I eating when I'm not actually hungry?
• 56:43
  What's actually happening? What do I actually need in this moment?
• 56:46
  It's not a cookie, maybe it's a hug, right? Like so diabetes I've learned to see as my teacher instead of my curse, which is Yeah.
• 56:55
  what I felt it was for the first ten years.
• 56:58
  ~ and now when I see a higher blood sugar reading, I'm like, Okay, feedback, how can I course correct?
• 57:03
  What do I actually need? Right.
• 57:05
  And it helps me get a nature. So I I I really teach my clients, a lot of my clients are diabetics that ~ and I guide them to see it as a teacher.
• 57:13
  And if it's a teacher, wow, now I've got lessons all day that I'm learning and I'm growing and I'm expanding versus I'm being knocked down, think you think, yeah, right?
• 57:21
  I think you have the kind of mindset that you see everything as a lesson.
• 57:24
  But I heard you say somewhere when you got diagnosed with type 1 diabetes that you were like, oh, great, it's because I'm not allowed sweetness in my life or something like that.
• 57:34
  Mm, yep, yep. Yeah.
• 57:35
  I was like, wow, that was a big statement.
• 57:39
  Yeah. Well, and and in hindsight, I was ~ very much a pleasure seeker.
• 57:45
  very, very, very much addicted to getting the most juju out of life and like so yeah, the most sweetness, the most indulgence.
• 57:56
  I would drink a lot of alcohol.
• 57:58
  I would drink I I would just I went all out.
• 58:02
  and so I it felt like almost like I needed to be reeled back in a little like moderation, impulsivity control, right? Like I needed those 'cause there's actual benefits to impulse control.
• 58:13
  But initially it feels like, you know, you're being put in a prison. It feels like all my pleasures Mm-hmm.
• 58:20
  are being taken away. It's not fair, you know, like you turn into a little kid throwing a temper tantrum.
• 58:25
  It's not fair. Yeah.
• 58:26
  But my little kid was in the candy shop eating all the candy before and wasn't healthy.
• 58:32
  So yeah, my body Yeah.
• 58:33
  broke down. Makes sense.
• 58:35
  You've had such an extraordinary life.
• 58:36
  You've lived like a million lives.
• 58:39
  And ~ I know we're just kind of scratching the surface, but I just thank you so much for sharing.
• 58:46
  We'll have to visit again and ~ talk about some other things, but thank you for talking about authenticity and toxins and your journey and psychedelic. I don't even know what we're going to call this.
• 59:00
  We're going to have to really think of a title.
• 59:01
  ~ I love it.
• 59:02
  What are we going to call this episode?
• 59:06
  Well, thank you for sharing. You're just a delight.
• 59:10
  I love you. Take care. Bye bye.
• 59:12
  I love you too. Thank you, Lauren.
• 59:14
  Bye.
• 59:15
  Hey friends, don't go anywhere.
• 59:17
  Dr. Nikki has a special offer for you.
• 59:19
  She wants to give our listeners $50 off a total toxic load assessment, or what she calls tox, to investigate the three things that no
• 59:28
  one looks at together: the toxins in your food, your home, and your own thoughts.
• 59:33
  one looks at together: It finally connects the dots. Go to consciouskitchenatx.com slash tox and use code BADASS at checkout.
• 59:43
  one looks at together: That information will be in the show notes.