Latest / Fit Womens Weekly Podcast / Ep 715: Permission To Live Your Life Authentically With Meditation Teacher, Cara Lai

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Ep 715: Permission To Live Your Life Authentically With Meditation Teacher, Cara Lai · Fit Womens Weekly Podcast

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(Transcribed by TurboScribe.ai. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) What's up guys?
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Welcome to a new episode of the fit
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ones with a podcast.
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I'm going to just simply say I am
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joined by an amazing and hilarious woman named
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Cara Lai.
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She's a meditation coach and we have the
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best conversation about meditation and giving yourself permission
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to live your best authentic life and I
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think that you're gonna really enjoy this one.
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So I'm not gonna give any long-winded
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introduction to this.
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I'm just gonna go ahead and start off
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where our actual conversation started off too.
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So I hope that you guys enjoy.
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Make sure that you subscribe to the podcast
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and go check Cara Lai out when this
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episode is all done because she's pretty cool.
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I just love having laid-back conversations as
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if we're having a cup of coffee.
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So very similar to what we're just doing
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just a little bit more focused on the
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topic at hand and what I love about
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you is this whole idea of meditation and
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when I came to your website I love
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that you described yourself as like I'm a
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meditation teacher, but I'm fun and quirky and
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I was like, okay cool so this isn't
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going to be like a Buddha experience where,
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you know, when most people think of meditation
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we think of monks and going to Thailand
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and just sitting around and humming and I
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think that meditation is so important but we
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don't have a very good grasp on what
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it actually is.
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Yeah, I'm not, I'm a regular person and
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I don't change the way I talk when
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I guide a meditation.
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I don't get all airy and uh-huh
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and uh, I don't know, ephemeral or something.
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We will, we will, is what I...
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Yeah, I like, I like actually one of
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the things that I value most in my
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practice is making it totally easily translatable into
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normal life and I think that if you,
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if I'm modulating the way I am when
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I'm teaching meditation so differently from how I
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am in my normal life then I'm not
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doing a very good job of making that
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those, my regular life flow into my practice,
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so.
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And it can be a very scary thing
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for people can be intrigued in it but
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if they go to some place and it
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is all the quote-unquote woo-woo it's
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very hard to step into the doors and
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be like this is something that I want
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to try.
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Yeah, because it makes it seem like it's
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for a particular type of person.
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Right.
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And it's not, it can be for anyone.
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So what was your journey like?
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What got you into meditation in the first
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place because you have quite an extensive background
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as far as being a wilderness guide, a
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social worker, a psychotherapist, so where did meditation
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come in?
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Well, I had, I was in my early
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20s and I had gotten out of, I
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went to art school for college and I
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was trying to be an illustrator.
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I was, I had like a 95 job
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as an animator and I was just kind
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of like miserable doing that and it didn't
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feel like it had any meaning behind it.
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And I was kind of searching for more
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purpose in life but not, I didn't, I
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don't think I would have been able to
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put that into words.
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And so I just quit my office job
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and started doing things that felt good, which
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it was, for me at the time I
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had a lot of energy and I did
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a lot of physical stuff.
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Like I loved hiking and being outside and
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running.
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And so I got a job at an
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outdoor education center and started working with kids
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because I loved that too and being outside
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a lot.
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And I met someone at that job who
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loved meditating.
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And I think just because he sensed my
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vibe, he was like, you would like meditating
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too.
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And so he gave me this little book
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called Meditation.
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And I just started doing it and did
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love it because it just seemed like a
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good idea to just spend eight minutes a
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day just existing.
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Especially at a time in my life when
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I was pretty driven physically, I would like
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train for and run marathons.
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So the idea of slowing down was probably
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very hard.
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It actually, well, not for me because I
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did both.
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It was like, well, I go for my
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run in the morning and then I would
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just be totally relaxed for eight minutes.
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And sometimes the best part of exercising is
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afterwards when you just get to enjoy the
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endorphins that are flowing through your body.
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So I think that made it easier for
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me to just be able to sit still
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because I had gotten that out of me.
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And then I got to sit with whatever
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it was that was driving me so hard
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to be so active.
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And over the course of many years, I
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learned a lot about that part of me
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from my meditation practice and had to really
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question the reasons that I was trying to
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be so active and the parts of myself
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that I might've been running away from.
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So like using your fitness to cover up
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for something else?
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Yeah, which basically was a lot of insecurity
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of many different forms.
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I started running in the first place because
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of body image stuff.
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It wasn't because I liked running like nobody
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likes running.
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I actually just wasn't with a client this
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morning.
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It was her first time ever.
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She's like, I just want to look, I
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want to like exercise.
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And I was like, I'm going to tell
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you right now from the start, you're not
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going to like it.
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You're like, especially at the beginning, but you'll
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eventually like the way you feel at the
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end and that will keep you coming back.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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I mean, there were times when I really
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did get to a place of enjoyment with
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it, but that definitely was not the main
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driving force.
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But behind my exercise routine, it was like
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to feel like I had permission to rest.
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And without the exercise, I didn't feel like
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I had the permission to rest.
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I didn't earn it.
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And that was something that I really had
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to explore and sit with when I got
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really deep into practice.
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Because why can't I just exist and be
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okay with that?
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Why do I have to earn that?
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What makes me so bad or wrong that
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I don't deserve to just sit down and
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take a break unless I've accomplished something in
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advance.
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And I eventually, this is years later, got
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chronic Lyme disease.
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And I had to stop running.
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My joints hurt too much.
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And I was way too tired.
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And it just felt so bad that it
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was clearly not healthy for me to keep
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running or do most exercise actually.
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And so I kind of just stopped exercising
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because I was forced to.
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And then I really had to sit with
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those feelings in a new way.
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And that was very, very transformative for me.
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I definitely don't have to earn lying down
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because that's all I can do.
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And it actually ultimately became a big relief
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to just let myself have an unstructured day
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where I don't have to wake up.
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And the first thing I do is exercise.
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I don't have any kind of regimen.
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All I have to do is tune in
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to what my body needs and wants in
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the moment.
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And that's it.
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And I go from there.
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I don't even have to have a plan
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for the day.
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That sounds as someone who has struggled with,
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I talk about this on my podcast, so
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it's no secret, but exercise addiction for most
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of my life, hearing you say that sounds
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amazing.
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And I'm like, Oh my God, I can
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relate so much.
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But yeah, it's this whole idea, you know,
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some people will work out because they're trying
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to diet.
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So they feel like I have to work
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out to earn my food.
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Whereas like, there's also parts of us that
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are like, I don't want to be seen
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as lazy.
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So I have to go out and run
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X amount of miles or anything before I
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can sit down and watch my Netflix show.
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Right.
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Yeah.
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It's, it's how we think about ourselves and
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how we might feel like other people are
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perceiving us that drives so much of what
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we do.
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And it's at the expense of actually listening
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to what we need and what our bodies
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need.
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And it's, it establishes such a contentious relationship
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with our bodies where we're just kind of
9:05
trying to take control and be in charge
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of our bodies instead of valuing any kind
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of feedback or information that our bodies are
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trying to tell us.
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And our bodies are always trying to help
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us feel the best that we can.
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And we don't trust them and that and
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we beat it to the ground so many
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times.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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And so the widening gap between our minds
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and our bodies actually ultimately is not serving
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the mind or the body.
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And I was kind of forced to close
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the gap when I, when I had to
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stop exercising and started having to listen to
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my body more and more and more.
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And ultimately what I actually found was that
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it is so much healthier in every way
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to listen to your body and to do
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way more rest than, I mean, even now
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I, my Lyme symptoms aren't that bad anymore,
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but I still have this habit of my
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default is to rest.
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It's not to go run a marathon or
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even exercise at all.
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My default is just to rest.
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And from there, I get to tune in
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to when my body wants to do something
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because it feels good.
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And that is, has been such a game
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changer for me, you know, like, and weirdly
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enough, I love the way my body looks
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and feels now more than any other time
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in my whole life, which is wild considering
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all of what I've been through and how
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much like self-hatred, driven exercise I was
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doing.
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And just from really appreciating how much my
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body does for me and taking more time
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to notice that and just sitting with my
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body and feeling all the ways that it's
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trying to support me and wellness, I've come
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to really, really respect it a lot more
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and love it a lot more.
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I love that.
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Congratulations.
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One thing that you had also mentioned a
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little back was how you're exercising because of
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how people will perceive you or how we
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see people perceiving ourselves.
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And it's very selfish of us.
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And I think that meditation would help us
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as well to think that we are the
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main character in everybody else's life around us,
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right?
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We're at the end of it.
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We're so worried about what your neighbor thinks,
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or, you know, if they don't see you
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go run or whatever the case may be.
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At the end of the day, I tell
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people all the time, you're not that important.
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And nobody's paying attention to you.
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Nobody cares.
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They're only worried about themselves.
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They are their own main character.
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And so once you like have that experience,
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that realization, it's very freeing.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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It's so freeing.
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I mean, for me, it was more like
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I would be self-conscious because I would
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think that other people were judging my body
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for the way it looked.
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And again, like, I actually kind of think
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that people may feel safer around someone who
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isn't extraordinarily fit looking.
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Oh, sure.
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Right.
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Because it gives them permission to look how
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they need to look.
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Whereas when you're around somebody who is super
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fit looking, you're thinking they're judging me because
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I'm not.
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Yeah, for sure.
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Or if you're around people, they're looking at
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her because she's the hot fit one.
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Who am I in this?
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I'm the ugly friend, quote unquote.
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Yeah.
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And in the Buddhist tradition that I am
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trained in, what we really, really value is
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other people and animals and every kind of
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being feeling safe around us, because that's the
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foundation of love, actually.
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So the more that that is my goal
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to help other people feel safe around me,
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the less it becomes about me.
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And literally, if that is, you know, I
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don't have to be special, and I definitely
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don't have to or want to be better
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than anyone else.
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I just want people to feel safe around
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me.
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That's beautiful.
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Now you said that you got started with
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just eight minute meditations for someone who has
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been curious about it.
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What is like, one, I think that's great
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because I stress the fact all the time,
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like something is there than nothing.
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So it's not as if you're sitting in
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a, you know, a dark room for 30
13:40
minutes of your day while your kids are
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running a muck around the house.
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Eight minutes is pretty easy for somebody to
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do.
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What does an eight minute beginner meditation kind
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of look like?
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And how do you even start to tune
13:50
out the outside noise?
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Yeah.
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So I think the first thing to know
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and the biggest misconception about meditation is that
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you have to tune stuff out and that
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you have to clear your mind and that
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you have to feel any particular way at
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all.
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You don't.
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You just notice what you are feeling and
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make space for it.
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So it's eight minutes of observing your experience.
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What's happening in the body?
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How does the breath feel?
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Where are the places of tension?
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Maybe what's going on in the world of
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sound?
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Not trying to listen to other people's conversations
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or like the background noise of the TV,
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but just kind of softly letting sound in
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kind of like you would be listening to
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a piece of music, you know, just like
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letting it wash through.
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And then the same thing with thoughts.
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You can observe thoughts.
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You can, instead of being the one thinking
14:53
and planning and remembering and making your daily
14:56
to-do list, you're just noticing when your
14:58
mind becomes active.
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And again, you're not trying to clear the
15:02
mind.
15:02
You're not trying to tamp thought down when
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it arises.
15:07
You're simply noticing it and kind of just
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watching the mind do its monkey thing and
15:15
trying not to get over involved with it.
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It's going to be active.
15:20
It's going to do stuff.
15:21
And it's not the goal to get it
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to stop.
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And it's not a failure if you can't,
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because that's not the goal.
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It's just to notice that thoughts are like
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any other part of your experience.
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They arise and pass away just like a
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sound does, just like a sensation in the
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body.
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So we start to take this observer perspective
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when we meditate and we begin to see
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that our experience doesn't have to be something
15:49
that we're constantly trying to manipulate and control.
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It can just be witnessed.
15:55
And it's that witnessing place that starts to
15:57
become a kind of solace for us.
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We come back and back again and again
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to this witnessing place.
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And so logistically how this would look when
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you're meditating for eight minutes is it helps
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a lot of people to pick some anchor
16:16
to pay attention to and come back to
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again and again.
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Like the breath is maybe the most commonly
16:22
suggested anchor, but that doesn't work for everyone.
16:25
Sometimes sound is a more helpful one or
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just one place in the body, like the
16:29
tingling of your feet or the way it
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feels to be sitting or whatever.
16:35
And you don't have to sit in any
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particular posture.
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You could even be lying down if that's
16:40
all your body can handle right now.
16:43
And you could also be walking.
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So this might be a helpful way for
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people who are full of restlessness to dip
16:54
their toes into meditation is to walk back
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and forth.
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If you can find like a large enough
17:00
room, that's maybe you get like 10 or
17:03
15 feet to walk back and forth in
17:05
and you just do it kind of slow
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and your anchor is the feeling of your
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legs.
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So that's the thing that you come back
17:13
to again and again and just notice with
17:17
a soft receptive attention.
17:21
And anytime you notice that the mind is
17:23
wandering, then you just notice that and you
17:27
come back to your anchor.
17:29
I'm assuming if you're going to do it
17:30
with walking, don't make sure you're not listening
17:32
to a book on tape or a podcast.
17:35
Right.
17:35
Yeah.
17:35
The less the less distraction that you are
17:40
inserting the better.
17:42
You're not trying to do anything other than
17:44
observe what's happening.
17:46
So if there's stuff going on around you
17:47
that you can't control, like you can shut
17:51
the TV off if there's no one else
17:53
watching it, but don't use the time to
17:57
multitask and be like, I'm going to meditate
17:59
and do something else.
18:00
Cause no, that's not how it works.
18:01
You just meditate.
18:02
Right.
18:03
It sounds like it's a very therapeutic experience.
18:07
Like you were having a lot of moments
18:08
to yourself and be like, Oh, this is
18:10
the way that I do this.
18:11
This is the way I do this.
18:11
Do you ever then take all of your
18:13
thoughts that you had and then journal them
18:16
afterwards to kind of like get them out
18:18
of your body, out of your mind?
18:21
From time to time I've done that.
18:24
I've been like struck with some creative idea
18:27
during a meditation session and I've written it
18:30
down, but it can be a little bit
18:32
of a slippery slope where like you just
18:34
use your meditation period as a time to
18:37
generate ideas.
18:39
And we do get very creative in the
18:42
space where we're just observing and we're not
18:44
as involved with our thoughts.
18:46
So a lot of creative thoughts arise.
18:48
And so it's very tempting to just like
18:50
stop in the middle of your meditation and
18:52
write it down.
18:53
And then turns out you look at it
18:55
the next day and you're like, that was
18:56
actually not that good of an idea.
18:57
That was actually kind of stupid.
18:59
Yeah.
19:00
It's like when you're drunk and you think
19:01
you're saying something funny, but it's actually really
19:03
dumb.
19:04
So I would err on the side of
19:07
not doing that just because it's so often
19:11
the case that the mind just gets even
19:15
more relaxed and more expansive if we're not
19:18
grabbing onto any of the thoughts and trying
19:20
to chase them.
19:22
And the whole reason that that creative genius
19:25
struck us was because we had entered this
19:28
space that was just soft and receptive.
19:31
And so just keep going towards that and
19:33
even more will happen, even more will unfold.
19:35
There's so much that can be discovered that
19:38
is way better than like your idea about
19:42
how to be more efficient at the grocery
19:43
store or whatever, whatever it is, you know,
19:46
there's, there's just way more insight that can
19:48
happen.
19:48
And we will remember the ones that are
19:50
important.
19:51
They will just stick.
19:52
We don't have to write them down.
19:54
What are the different types of meditation?
19:57
Because I read somewhere about like Thai forest
19:59
meditation.
20:01
I know the different practices like Buddhist meditation.
20:06
What's different in the way that it's practiced
20:08
or the way that it is carried out?
20:11
Well, Thai forest is a branch of Buddhism.
20:16
And there are many different branches of Buddhism
20:20
and many different techniques.
20:22
The main technique that I or I don't
20:26
know if it's a technique, but the main
20:27
form of meditation that I teach and talk
20:29
about is called mindfulness, which a lot of
20:31
people know.
20:32
It's also known as Vipassana or insight meditation.
20:37
And I mean, there are lots of different
20:39
kinds of meditation that are not Buddhist, like
20:42
transcendental meditation is one of them.
20:44
And like, there's kind of like a self
20:47
hypnosis thing that you can do.
20:51
There, I would, I would just do mindfulness
20:55
if you're a beginner.
20:56
There's a couple others that I also teach
20:59
and practice.
21:00
One is called loving kindness meditation.
21:03
And you can use that to help generate
21:05
more, more feelings and inclinations towards care, towards
21:15
other people, towards other beings, towards yourself.
21:20
So that's called loving kindness meditation.
21:22
And then there's a form of meditation that's
21:25
kind of designed to help get into states
21:29
that are quite deep, profound, clear mind, calm,
21:36
tranquil states.
21:37
And that is called concentration meditation.
21:40
So in, in, in those states, there can
21:45
be a lot of clarity, which is the
21:48
point of doing that meditation, you see clearly
21:51
into the true nature of things that everything
21:53
is impermanent, coming and going, there's nothing really
21:56
to hold on to.
21:57
And so we get this glimpse of real
22:02
profundity that helps give us a lot of
22:06
perspective in our regular lives.
22:09
So that a lot of people, that's kind
22:11
of like sexy.
22:12
That's like the sexy meditation.
22:14
People like doing that, or they come to
22:17
meditation because they've heard about concentration practice and
22:20
the cool trippy states that you can get
22:23
yourself into by doing that.
22:24
But it's definitely not for everyone, especially if
22:27
you have a lot of trauma, it can
22:28
be really kind of intense to do that.
22:31
Are those the ones where people are like
22:33
dancing around by the end of it, or
22:35
very like orgasmic almost with like crowds.
22:41
It can be, it can totally orgasmic.
22:44
I mean, it can be extreme physical pleasure.
22:47
It can be like, you're not feeling anything
22:50
in your body at all because you're so
22:52
like beyond like concept.
22:56
But I don't know, I haven't seen the
22:57
dancing thing.
22:59
So you might be, that might be something
23:00
else.
23:01
Yeah, it's probably something else.
23:02
Like you, you say little keywords.
23:04
I'm like, Oh, I wonder if this was
23:06
that.
23:08
We had watched some cult from the 1980s
23:12
and Oregon.
23:13
And there was a lot of like chanting
23:15
going on with very wild dancing within the
23:19
groups by the time the chanting was done.
23:22
Oh, it sounds kind of like a like
23:24
group hypnosis kind of thing.
23:26
Like speaking in tongues and something.
23:28
Yeah, that's not those aren't things that I
23:30
have any experience with.
23:33
Yeah, they're wild.
23:34
I bet.
23:35
Yeah.
23:35
I wish I could remember the name of
23:37
the cult.
23:38
But I can't now again.
23:40
I yeah, it was crazy.
23:43
I think it was established in India and
23:45
then brought to Oregon.
23:46
Yeah, of course, of course, Oregon.
23:49
Right.
23:50
Exactly.
23:51
No offense, Oregon.
23:52
Exactly.
23:53
It's cool stuff happens in Oregon.
23:55
Now, guided meditation, because I know that you
23:58
have a lot of guided meditation.
23:59
And I was looking at your sub stack
24:00
and listening to a couple of them.
24:03
What is guided meditation?
24:04
And is it the power of the words
24:05
that people follow?
24:06
So it also helps keep you trapped into
24:08
what's going on.
24:09
Why is that so beneficial and helpful for
24:11
some people?
24:13
Yeah, it's well, it helps some people because
24:15
it just there's someone helping them remember to
24:20
come back again and again, and and also
24:22
pointing to particular things that you might notice
24:26
when you're meditating.
24:27
And especially if you're a beginner, it might
24:30
be a little hard for a lot of
24:31
people to know feel like they're doing it
24:35
right.
24:35
And a little bit of guidance help goes
24:38
a long way.
24:40
And a little bit of pointing to things
24:42
that the way that experience is also goes
24:48
a long way.
24:49
And, and we notice if someone is has
24:53
done it before, they have some sense of
25:00
what you might see, and they can kind
25:03
of point out different things that might be
25:06
there.
25:06
I mean, for me, when I got a
25:07
meditation, some of what I ended up pointing
25:10
out is self doubt, because that's such a
25:14
pervasive feeling in our culture.
25:18
And it comes up a lot for people
25:21
in meditation, you know, like, am I doing
25:23
this, right?
25:24
I can't do this.
25:25
Other people are better at this.
25:27
Not me.
25:28
I'm way too restless.
25:30
I have too much ADD or whatever.
25:32
I'm not good enough.
25:33
I'm not smart enough.
25:33
Yeah.
25:35
So I like to guide meditations and point
25:38
out how that might be actually just a
25:41
belief, just a thought.
25:43
And we could see it as just a
25:44
thought.
25:45
And I also like to counteract it.
25:47
You know, like, it's actually not true.
25:49
What makes you so special that you're worse
25:51
than everybody.
25:53
Right.
25:53
Going back to what we were talking about
25:55
before, except in the other direction.
25:57
Yeah, exactly.
25:58
And because because so often it's the self
26:00
doubt that makes people stop trying or not
26:03
even try in the first place.
26:05
And I think that everyone could have insight.
26:10
Everyone can have insight.
26:12
And maybe everyone has different ways of doing
26:14
that.
26:14
But if you don't even try before you
26:18
give up, then you'll never know if meditation
26:20
is right for you.
26:22
Yeah.
26:22
Do you feel like as soon as the
26:24
session is done, you almost have lost like
26:25
five pounds of stress.
26:27
Kind of like at the end of a
26:28
workout where you have that endorphin high, do
26:29
you have that like stress relief after spending
26:31
just five to 10 minutes sitting in your
26:34
thoughts?
26:37
Sometimes, but I wouldn't want to set up
26:41
that as the expectation.
26:44
Because sometimes the way it goes when we
26:49
meditate is we are more in touch with
26:54
some stuff that we've covered over.
26:57
You know, we're more in touch with some
26:59
anxiety or pain that was there all along,
27:03
but we were kind of running away from
27:05
it or masking it or, or, you know,
27:07
hiding from it in some way.
27:09
And so we get actually more sensitive when
27:13
we meditate.
27:14
And there is a relief because whatever barrier
27:18
we were holding up, we get to drop
27:21
that.
27:22
And that's a relief.
27:24
But we're also now in touch with whatever
27:28
vulnerability is behind that barrier.
27:31
And so it's a combination of relief, but
27:34
then also kind of having to move into
27:38
a more vulnerable and sensitive space.
27:40
And sit in those feelings.
27:42
Yeah.
27:43
Yeah.
27:43
Do you feel like in today's society that
27:45
we have that even more often because we
27:48
are able to put headphones in and listen
27:51
to a podcast or, you know, we're always
27:53
distracted.
27:53
So a lot of times we do run
27:55
away from our emotions.
27:56
So when we don't give ourselves very much
27:58
time to actually think about what we're going
28:01
through from a day to day basis.
28:03
Oh, totally.
28:05
I mean, there's distraction at our fingertips.
28:07
People make money off of distracting us.
28:09
And in some ways I love, I'm kind
28:13
of a rebellious spirit.
28:15
And so I love the fact that meditation
28:18
helps us reclaim our attention and be like,
28:21
wait a second.
28:22
I get to do what I want to
28:23
do with my mind and my body.
28:26
I don't want someone else to profit off
28:32
of my attention, which is what so many
28:34
people are doing.
28:35
They're capitalizing on our attention.
28:39
I want to reclaim my attention because that
28:41
is the most agency that I can have
28:45
over my life is my attention.
28:48
I can choose where I put it and
28:50
where I put my attention has a huge
28:53
impact on my wellbeing.
28:55
If I'm constantly focusing on thoughts that make
28:58
me anxious, I'm going to be an anxious
29:00
person.
29:02
But if I'm training my mind to focus
29:06
on thoughts that bring me joy and ease
29:10
and peace, that's the person I'm going to
29:12
become.
29:13
Yeah.
29:14
I love that.
29:15
On the weekends, I always spend about four
29:17
hours in my kitchen prepping for like the
29:19
weekend stuff.
29:20
And I do all of our meals and
29:21
my husband every week goes, do you want
29:23
me to turn on music?
29:24
Do you want me to put on a
29:25
podcast for you?
29:26
And it's the one time that I don't
29:28
want it.
29:28
I'm like, no, I don't want any noise.
29:30
This is just something that I do for
29:31
myself.
29:32
I can sit in my, that's kind of
29:33
my meditation for four hours in a sense.
29:36
Yeah.
29:37
Yeah.
29:37
And there's, don't get me started about background
29:40
music.
29:41
Yeah.
29:42
Oh, now I have to know the background
29:45
music.
29:46
I just, I mean, it's, it's like me,
29:48
I, for some reason I'm like so allergic
29:50
to having something just going in the background
29:55
because it just grates on me after a