Latest / Thinking Out Loud | Kimberly / When Does Loyalty Become Self-Abandonment? | Thinking Out Loud
Transcript
- Kimberly Roller: At what point does loyalty stop becoming love and start becoming self-abandonment? Because we're taught that loyalty is a good thing, that staying, enduring and holding on means you care. But what happens when the price of that loyalty is you? when being the bigger person starts to look like becoming a smaller version of yourself. Hi, it's me, Kimberly. And today I want to talk about where that line actually is between being loyal and self-abandoning yourself to keep the relationship intact. And before we go further, quick note, this podcast is for reflection and not professional advice. what resonates, leave what doesn't and listen in a way that feels supportive for you. I've learned that boundaries are not about controlling other people. that it's really refusing to forsake yourself for someone else's comfort. A boundary to me can be a non-negotiable you follow, so you don't abandon yourself trying to keep the peace. ⁓ And I think family is where this gets the most confusing. I believed that a loving family meant enduring them. That if someone was difficult, dramatic, or harmful, you just adjusted. You managed it. You absorbed it. You paid the emotional cost and called it loyalty. That belief didn't start with me. Growing up, I watched this pattern play out across generations. Even when harm happened. ⁓ Access was still given, space was still made, and the impact? That was dealt with quietly later. Panic attacks, emotional fallout, long periods of recovery that no one really talked about. As a kid, I learned something early. Family dysfunction doesn't always look loud. Sometimes it looks like silence. ⁓ Exhaustion, pretending everything is fine. And I also learned how much time gets spent managing people who never actually change because to them, nothing is wrong. That history shaped how I handled relationships for years. I became really good at shrinking. And for me, shrinking didn't just mean being quiet. It meant editing myself, not quoting songs or movies, even though that's literally how my brain thinks. It meant trying to not be too much, not seeming like I was bragging, not making things about me. even when they were about me. it meant scanning the room, making sure everyone else felt comfortable, if it cost me in the end. ⁓ I over explained everything, my motives, my feelings, my intentions, because I felt so deeply misunderstood. The wild part is people would say they understood me and then they turn around and tell me ⁓ they knew me better than knew myself. And I started to believe that repairing things alone became ⁓ my normal That looked like me accepting the jokes that weren't actually jokes. The jabs that were meant to keep me small. Making sure I didn't get any ideas. Not outshining anyone. Or I'm full of myself. Not stepping out of line. Or I'm a brat. I had to think like them. Even when I was starving to feel seen and understood instead I often felt confused because no matter what I did, it didn't seem like I had any real power in those dynamics. If I tried to address hurt, ⁓ somehow became how I deserved it Or how if I didn't do this, they wouldn't have reacted that way. Not taking into account not listening to my nose ⁓ prior before I exploded. ⁓ And it was frame they were helping me. I realized it was never helping me because it was just making them feel more comfortable. And that was the hardest part realizing. They were just trying to get me to act in a way so they could stay comfortable. I was even told directly once they didn't care about my feelings that should have been the moment everything clicked. I questioned myself ⁓ because I already felt small. I have lived in the damned. you do damned, if you don't space, if I stayed quiet, I was told how my silence them feel. If I spoke up. I was told I was making things uncomfortable. If agreed them, I was told to stop talking about it while they continued to talk about it. So I learned ⁓ in that space, ⁓ wasn't seen as person. I was seen ⁓ as a punching bag. I didn't have anything positive to say, I shouldn't say anything at all. but if they were having a bad day, now, now, now. I was toxic positivity. And when I finally stand up for myself, ⁓ I was isolated. I was told to be bigger person, that they had it harder, that I was the problem. I was called a liar, crazy, made sure I was told I was unwanted. And that's when something started to shift. Because I realized something important. If you're damned if you do and damned if you don't, you're not in a disagreement. You're in an unhealthy dynamic and stepping out of that didn't come without consequences or grief. And the grief wasn't just about losing people. It was about losing a version of them. I believed loved me. The version of a relationship I thought was real because when that illusion breaks, you don't just lose the person. You lose the hope. I had this belief that this person cared about me, that they saw me, and I realized that wasn't true. Hurt in a way I didn't expect because it made me question everything. And I had to sit with the hard truth. Sometimes, not often, but sometimes, there are people who will misunderstand you so deeply that if you're not careful, you will start becoming a version of yourself they've been describing. unhinged, selfish, too much. And that's not because it's true, but because you've been trying so hard to defend yourself that you lose alignment with who you actually are. and if someone needs you to be less in order to keep you around, honey bear, they don't actually want you. They want something smaller, easier to control. And you don't have to become that to be loved. Now something else I've had to learn is how my body responds to all of this because even now my body reacts before my logic does sometimes. I feel dysregulated, tense, overwhelmed, and sometimes when I finally snap and say the thing I've been holding in, I feel lighter for a moment, but also out of alignment because I didn't do it in a way that reflects who I want to be. And that matters to me because I don't want to harm people just because I've been harmed. Even if what I say is true, harm is still harm. One of the biggest triggers is being misunderstood, especially from my experiences when they're minimized or compared. like ⁓ someone saying, well, mine was worse. So yours count. We don't get to decide that for other people. And we also don't get to decide what traumatizes people. And I've learned people who do that are often avoiding accountability. And over time, I've had to build boundaries, not just to protect myself, but to make sure I don't explode because I know I can be blunt and I know my words can hurt if I'm pushed far enough. So now I choose no silent treatment, just natural distance from people who have shown me they're not interested in taking accountability or even acknowledging what they did. And what I found interesting is real repair feels completely different when someone can disagree with me and still be kind about it. I feel so close to them. Not further. That used to confuse me because I was so used to conflict meaning disconnection, but now I see it as a green flag when we can resolve our issues. Some of my closest relationships are built on that. People who can say, I don't agree with you, Kimberly, and still treat me with respect. And honestly, I love it. And I'm also learning to receive. For a long time, I felt like I was the one giving, checking in, supporting, and showing up. But not letting people do that for me. Now I'm more open and willing to allow that into my life, even when it feels uncomfortable. And I realize I'm just uncomfortable because I'm just not used to it. I'm used to being hyper independent. I'm used to being disappointed. I've learned to just ask people. to show up for me in a way that's congruent to them. to do things that they want to do, not because they have to. ⁓ And honestly, that's kind of how I found my people, my husband, my best friends, even my book club, people who are just happy to see me, ⁓ even when I'm a little weird, a little and a little too much. And instead of shrinking, I'm finally starting to feel like myself finding my meanness ⁓ as Dr. Seuss I believe would say. ⁓ Because here's something I've been thinking about. I think we care too much about making other people comfortable. And somewhere along the way, comfort and harm got treated like the same thing, but they're ⁓ uncomfortable is part of growth. Being harmed is not. And when we blur the lines, we start teaching people, specifically kids, that no one will actually have their back. that keeping the peace matters more than protecting people. that we care more about keeping peace and people comfortable instead of protecting people. So now, loyalty means something different to me. It's not about staying no matter what. It's about compatibility. It's about being willing to say I messed up. Even if I could have gotten away with it, even if the other person never knew about it, It's about doing right by someone. Even if never speak to you again, that's what loyalty looks to me now. I think one of the hardest truths is this. ⁓ Not everyone is emotionally safe. Some people are safe in certain ways, ⁓ one. ⁓ had learn the difference. ⁓ Trust is And I give it to people who help me feel safe and seen. one. So back to the question. When does loyalty become self abandonment for me? It's when you have to silence your needs. When you're the only one doing the repair, you're expected to carry the emotional cost so everything can appear fine. When you start resenting yourself just to keep the relationship. When you have to hate yourself to stay connected to someone. To me, that's not loyalty. That's loss of self. And stepping back from that, especially with family is one of the hardest things I believe someone can do. because can feel like choosing yourself means losing everything. But sometimes it's the first time you actually choose yourself at all. Healthy relationships exist. Connection that doesn't require you to shrink exists. loyalty shouldn't require you disappear. And if it does, it might not be love.