Latest / Bent Not Broken: Starting Over After Divorce | Post Divorce Life / Emotionally Erased in Your Relationship? How to Reclaim Your Voice | Nikki Allen

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Emotionally Erased in Your Relationship? How to Reclaim Your Voice | Nikki Allen · Bent Not Broken: Starting Over After Divorce | Post Divorce Life

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to another episode of Bent Not Broken.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: Heartbreak and trauma may feel like the end of your story, but here it's the beginning of a bold new chapter.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: I'm your host, Coach Deborah Griffiths, and this is the space where women rise, rebuild, and rediscover their purpose.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: Remember this truth.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: You are bent, not broken.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: Today's guest is a woman who survived a relationship that didn't leave bruises.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: It left silence, confusion, and a slow erosion of identity.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: Her novel, Loved You, Hated You, was born from that wreckage.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: First written as a song, then a screenplay, and finally a story that let her tell the truth through fiction.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: Her work explores why women lose their voices in love, how emotional manipulation keeps us stuck, and what it takes to reclaim ourselves after betrayal.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: She's here to talk about transformation, creative power, and the deep question many of us have faced.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: Why do we allow people to hurt us?
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_01: This is a conversation for every woman who loved you hard, stayed too long, or is still rebuilding her soul.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: Please welcome Nikki Allen.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: Nikki, welcome.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for having me.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: Let's get started.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: Your novel began as a song, then a screenplay, and now finally a book.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: What shifted in you that made fiction the safest way to tell a very real emotional truth?
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: You know, at the time when I was writing it as a song, it really was just a cathartic experience.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: The end lyrics are, I loved you, I hated you, and now I'm releasing you.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I wrote it because I had gotten out of that mess and it was my way of releasing, really.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um, the screenplay came about simply because I am a filmmaker, screenwriter, and I thought about the dynamics of that song and the relationship.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, hmm, let's make it something where people can, women especially can identify with.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason I guess I kind of turned it into a love story is because I was still, even after being done with that relationship, I was still dealing with him.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: I was still loving him from afar in my own way, right?
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't a relationship, but you still have those feelings.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think that's what really birthed the screenplay, which now is a novel.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: Excellent.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: You describe your past relationship as one that nearly erased you.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: What did that erasure look like or feel like on a daily basis?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, it was absolutely horrible.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: It's so funny because I'm sure you can relate certain songs or certain smells take you places, right?
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: To nostalgia.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: And during that time, I was listening to a certain music, wearing a certain perfume.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I just remember waking up with that smell, just in that energy, just feeling bad and lousy all the time, and yet trying to make this person happy and make him happy, you know, with me.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: That it was, it was depress.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: I guess it was depression.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: We didn't talk about depression like that back then.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm sure I was depressed, I was hurt, I was lonely, and I was very, very sad because I really thought I loved this guy, and I really thought he loved me.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the part that makes you hold on to the BS, the lie that you tell yourself.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: Part of the lyrics in the song was living in a comfort zone.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: And that's really what it became.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Excuse me, but you know, that comfort was erasing me.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: I lost my voice.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: I was, if you will, separated and isolated from friends and family.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: I remember going on a trip to Mexico with some friends.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: When I came back, I called to let him know I was back.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: However, when I got to my front door, there were flowers at the door.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: So he had been watching because when I walked in, no, I take that back.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: I walked in my house, called him to let him know that I was home, and he said, Go to your front door.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: So he was stalking me because when I opened up the front door, now there are flowers there.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if that happened now, that'd be so unsettling.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: But then it was like, oh, he loves me.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that was so sweet.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, he was watching out for me.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: The reframe was not good.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: I was just gonna say that about, oh, he loves me.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: And it all goes back to that love-bombing cycle that they put you through, and they make it seem like they love you by gifting you with items like flowers, but there's ulterior motives in their mind.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: You talk about the charm-harm dynamic.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: Can you explain what that cycle looked like in your life and how it affects a woman's ability to trust herself?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I had not heard of that term, charm-harm, but a professor read my book, and she this is kind of her area of expertise, and she saw me, she goes, You nailed that charm-harm dynamic perfectly.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: That really what it is.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: They charm you, just like with the flowers.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: I remember one Valentine's Day, I came home.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't live with me, but I came home and he had rose petals from the hallway to the bedroom, opened up my bedroom door, flowers, balloons, teddy bears, and he could write the most beautiful cards and poems.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: That's the charm.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: But piss him off.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: Don't do what he says or expects.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: You're in for it.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's the harm.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: And that is what would happen to me.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: I would call myself doing something good for him, and he'd come back and like it would be total mess to him.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like, why would you do this?
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't all that I wanted.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: So then it becomes our problem, right?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what did I do wrong?
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Why didn't I thought I was trying?
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: That was the charm harm.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I know so many women get that, or maybe I'll never do that again.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: That was just one time I was having a bad day.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: But in the end, I love you.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: So that is that charm harm.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, that's what keeps us off balanced.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: You know, eventually realize we're walking on egg show.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: Because we could go to the grocery store and buy the brand of peanut butter that he likes, and then have to go back to the grocery store to buy the same peanut butter, and all of a sudden they find fault with it.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: Correct.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: And it keeps you off off guard.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_01: So off guard.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: Many women stay in relationships long after they know that they're even losing themselves.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: In your experience, what is the moment or pattern that keeps us hooked?
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, it was really that charm harm.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I really believed I loved him.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: For me, I had just lost my mom within that year, and I had just moved to LA.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: And he was the one person that I really thought I knew, but he was definitely the one person I was clinging to.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: So that's kind of how I got myself into this situation.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: I believe being sad from losing my mom, my absolute best friend, and you're seeking comfort, any comfort.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: And for me, he was it.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know anybody really in LA that I was close to, intimate with him.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: So of course, this is my per se.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, all wrong.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: At what point did self-doubt become louder than your own intuition?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: And how did you begin reversing that?
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: I had this friend, we worked together, and every day at lunch, I'm just spilling the beans about this horrible relationship I'm in.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: And at first she was appalled and giving me all this advice, and every day we talk about what had happened.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: But after a while, she's giving me all this wonderful advice, and I'm not taking it.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: And she says to me, You know, I don't want to talk about him anymore because you don't want to leave.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: She said, When you're ready to leave, you'll take all this advice and go.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Right now, you're not ready.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: And because you're not ready, I don't want to keep hearing the same story over and over again.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: And that was really what made me think like it's the same story over and over again.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Hmm, it really is the same story over and over again.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: And this really isn't right.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: I shouldn't feel sad and crying every day to my friend, you know.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: So that was the light bulb for me.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know, her just really saying, I'm your friend, but I'm not gonna keep going through this with you.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: Sounds like she gave you a little dose of some tough love.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, definitely.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: And to your credit, you listened.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't jump out of the relationship right away, but I did start analyzing it differently.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I do believe I started moving differently in the relationship.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm not gonna just sit here and let you talk to me crazy and mistreat me, and you don't need to keep tabs on me.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: So I started changing the dynamics of the relationship just by altering my behavior a little bit.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: How did he take that?
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: He wasn't taking it well.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: He would do things like this, and this is crazy.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: He would go, You're right.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: You are a beautiful woman.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: You need the perfect man for you, and I ain't it.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: I remember when he said this, and I ain't it.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: Right then, I should have been like, cool, deuce is bi, right?
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh my God, he loves me that much, right?
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to lose you because you just said I deserve someone perfect, and then you're the one that's perfect for me.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: You're the one that's perfect for me.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: That's how I felt.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: So it was, oh, I'm so glad to be done with that.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: It takes a lot of emotional toil on us, really.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: It does.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: It does.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: Your book explores spiritual and emotional wreckage.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: What part of your identity was the hardest to reclaim after the relationship ended?
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: Probably being okay with being by myself.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: I remember one time I went into some restaurant and it was an older couple sitting there, and I literally just started bawling like that.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: That should be us.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: So having to get through that, it's okay to be by yourself because I need to figure out why I'm allowing this to happen.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: But that was the hardest part, just being alone because I think, especially young girls, women, the idea is you grow up, you get this wonderful guy, you get married, and you know, happily ever after.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what I was striving for.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: This was the guy, he was the guy.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: So him not being the guy, it winded me, and I just really had to find my footing in standing up for myself and by myself.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: That's a good point.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: We're brought up, especially girls, and even the guys are brought up.
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you go to school, you get your education, you go to college, you get a good job, you find the spouse or your partner for life.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: You have kids, you have the house with the white picket fence.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: That's all of the expectations that society puts on us.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: And in that pressure to find that person and to be able to settle down, we're not given the tools to really figure out how do we pick the right person.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: How do we know we're ready for the right person?
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: How what are we bringing to the table?
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: Are we ready to be in a relationship?
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: And my daughter's 25, about to be 26, and I feel like I've done something right because she's just like, you know, mom, I just really want to continue to work on myself before I try to get into a relationship.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, yes, yes, yes.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: You mentioned soul surgery, that deep internal work of asking, why am I allowing people to hurt me?
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_01: How did you begin answering that question for yourself?
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: I did what I call soul surgery.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: It was plenty of quiet, dark moments where I'm asking myself, I took myself back to as far as I can remember as a child, what led me down this road to be in this relationship?
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: Initially, I came up with what I said to you before.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: I just lost my mom, I'm new to the state, this was my guy, but it was much deeper than that.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: It was way deeper than that.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because then I realized I had some daddy issues in there and having to unravel and unpack that part, you know, and as beautiful and as wonderful and as loving as my mom was, she was not perfect during my formative years either.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: So all these things showed up in this relationship.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I will say this, I wasn't perfect in this relationship either.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: I probably a few times remember saying stuff that probably provoked him to be upset, but he didn't have we we weren't handling our emotions properly because we're in our 20s.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: We didn't need to be in trying to have such a serious relationship at that time.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: Did you go to therapy at all or group counseling to help you get through some of this stuff and realize what was in the past that you had to deal with?
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: Actually, I've tried therapy, but I'm very good at therapizing myself.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: The one therapist I had, I asked her, Are you ever gonna give me any tools?
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: She said, Oh, I thought you just wanted to talk because it seems like you figured it all out.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: So I guess at that point I'm just venting because she was like, Everything I would have told you, you've done.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: I was determined not to ever be treated like that again, to basically not allow anyone to treat me like that again.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just curious, have you created a list of your negotiables and non-negotiables for relationships?
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: I haven't created a list, but I've been in this relationship I'm in now.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: It'll be seven years in February.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: And if I had boxes, he checks them all off.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_01: Good to hear.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: Creativity played a major role in your healing.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_01: How can storytelling, art, or writing become tools for women trying to rebuild after emotional betrayal?
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's very cathartic.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't set out to write the book or the screenplay to be cathartic.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: The song was supposed to do that.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: When I started turning the screenplay into a book, I began to realize and had to relive some of those emotions.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: That is when I realized there are some things that still weren't healed.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: Being able to do these podcasts when I get these questions, it's like, oh, I never thought about that.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm realizing I'm still healing from this 30-year-old relationship.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: Give yourself grace.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's a process.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: It truly is.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, as I've started these podcasts and talking to women like yourself, I'm hearing so many similarities in the stories, especially with dealing with narcissists.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_01: And it does give you time to think, what else haven't I dealt with?
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_01: And it's almost like I'm getting some free counseling.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_01: But it's all been in a very positive way.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_01: I've met some wonderful people like yourself.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, it's all how we grow and learn.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_01: And the more we talk about it, the easier it becomes.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_01: We're not triggered by these things anymore.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: And we realize we can take that pause back and say, look at how far I've come.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_01: Kudos to you.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_01: Many survivors struggle with shame for staying too long.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_01: What do you want women to understand about their own patterns without judgment?
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if I'm the perfect person to ask that question because I lay it all out on the table and I don't I don't really feel that one should be shameful about decisions that you make.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: That's part of the journey of life.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: We're going to make mistakes.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: I wouldn't be this person I am today without that relationship.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if I'd be as great as I am in this current relationship if I had not experienced some of the things in that relationship.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying that we should be in abusive relationships, but what I am saying is don't shame yourself for anything.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, this is part of the journey.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: I made that mistake.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: Have some accountability.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: Give yourself some grace.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: That is the main thing.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: Give yourself grace.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: I give myself grace because I am human.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: I will make mistakes.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't, I don't always make the best decisions, but we make the best decisions at that time because that is where we are.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: So at the end of the day, truthfully, what other decision would you have made?
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: That is literally where you are.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: So don't feel ashamed for that.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_00: That is where you were.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: You need to grow, heal, and give yourself some grace.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_01: What is one message you hope listeners who feel broken, stuck, or voiceless will take from your story?
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: I want them to find strength and courage and be truthful to themselves and to know that again, give yourself grace.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay that you've made mistakes as long as you see them.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_00: And even if you're not able to correct them, listen, how I got out was when my friend put it in my face.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes you don't know.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: And when she said, I'm not going to keep doing this, and she's telling me the why, I was like, Oh, I had to acknowledge that.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: That was me dealing in truth.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: So you may not have that friend, but you have this thing called a mirror.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself some questions.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: Why does this guy or girl treat me like this?
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: And why am I allowing it to happen and see what comes up?
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_01: Where can our listeners find your book or even your song?
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: I can be reached at nikkiallen.com.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: Everything is there.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: If you scroll down, it talks about the author.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: If you click on that, it'll open up a new world for you.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_01: Excellent.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much for coming on today and sharing your story.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_01: Really appreciate your time.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for your time.
• 19:11
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening to today's episode of Bent Not Broken.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_01: I hope that this episode reminded you that even through life's toughest moments, you are bent, not broken.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_01: If this message inspired you, please share, rate, review, and subscribe, as it helps us reach more women who are ready to rise and rebuild.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_01: And until next time, keep living bold and walking in your purpose.