Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 37: From Curiosity to Connection

Transcript

37: From Curiosity to Connection · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

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  Hey y'all, it's good to hang out with you today.
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  Got a question for you. So the question is, is how is it
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  going right now on on your romantic relationship or
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  romantic attachment being inside your window of tolerance, being
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  grounded when your partner's experiencing a trigger.
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  So let's talk about that today. Welcome to Beyond the Facade
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  podcast. I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and
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  I'm thrilled to have you join me in this space today.
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  What we're going to be doing is diving deep into the trials and
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  triumphs and truths of seeking authenticity.
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  Becoming your true self isn't about a single action or a
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  moment. It's a relentless pursuit, a
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  commitment to self that reveals a rich connection and meaning
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  that our life has to offer. So whether this is your first
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  time tuning in or you're a regular listener, know this.
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  What you're building here goes beyond a conversation.
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  You're here to challenge, to change, and to celebrate the
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  incredible journey of becoming your authentic self.
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  Because when you dare to show up fully, the rewards are
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  immeasurable. So welcome to Beyond the Facade.
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  Let's get started. I'm pretty excited about this.
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  We have an intensive that's going on this week.
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  It's called Unmasked men's path to authentic masculinity.
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  And one of the things that came up this week that I wanted to
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  talk to you about was one of the main reasons for this intensive
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  is understanding, like what your own work is like, doing your own
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  work, but specifically being OK when my partner's not OK.
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  And it, one of the men brought up something that I thought was
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  really, really valuable. They said, hey, Luke, not too
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  long ago, you brought up something called a tool called
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  CAVR. And there was something you
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  talked about when it came to the sea, which is curiosity.
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  And I wanted to pull that into the conversation.
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  Individual healing leads to the relational healing.
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  And part of the framework here is, is how do I stay grounded
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  when my partner isn't? So my partner's triggered and
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  they are coming at me and I feel like I want to retreat or I feel
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  like I have a hard time staying present.
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  What does that look like? So I'm going to focus on a tool
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  that we've maybe talked about in the past and definitely if
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  you're one of my groups, it's that tool called CAVR and I just
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  want to go over it really quickly.
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  Then we're going to focus on one piece of it, which is the C
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  stands for curiosity. And that's where we glean into a
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  place of seeking to understand. That's very an empathetic
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  approach, which is this whole thing.
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  Acknowledge is the part where we acknowledge that our past
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  behavior is our partners current reality and there's ownership of
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  that of hey, the trigger has to do with my past behavior, these
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  specific things that I did and actually naming them and
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  acknowledging that that your trigger is coming from my past
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  and you know it's affecting our present validation is validating
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  that the current emotion that your partner's feeling is like
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  reality is reality for them instead of trying to talk them
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  out of it of saying they shouldn't be feeling that way.
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  So validating that emotion and reassuring piece of you're,
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  you're reassuring them and responding to the fact of your
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  commitment to whatever it is that you're talking about,
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  whatever you're committed to letting them know, I'm not
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  going, I'm not leaving, I'm staying present.
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  So a lot of men are like, hey, I love the tool, it's great.
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  And they use the tool and sometimes they're happy with it,
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  sometimes they're not. And I want to say what came up
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  in the intensive is the fact that in order to engage with our
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  partner, we have to be inside our window of tolerance.
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  We have to be grounded and, but if my partner comes at me and at
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  least it feels like they're coming at me with some type of
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  attack because they're triggered, I, I'm not inside my
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  window of tolerance, I'm not grounded.
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  So a lot of the men that I work with really have a problem with
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  like a script because they, it's not authentic and if they use
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  it, it doesn't feel like it's theirs and their partner
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  sometimes calm out on it like, Hey, that's just your therapist
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  talking or that's your group talking.
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  That's not really you, but I want to tell you the curiosity
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  piece is something that actually gets us back inside our window
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  of tolerance. So I just want to emphasize that
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  that it's a grounding tool and a self regulation tool.
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  So when we discuss today curiosity, it's going to foster
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  some empathy and it's going to help us stay inside their window
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  of tolerance. So that the science behind it is
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  you have a left brain, left brain, right brain experience.
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  And this is what Laura was talking about yesterday in our
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  in our intensive, she want one of our facilitators and she's a
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  coach, a therapist with choose recovery services.
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  She talks about like when you have thoughts and you start to
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  stay with those thoughts and understand those thoughts and
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  recognize your emotions and you start to get curious about the
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  experience. Then what happens is you come
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  back online. You're you're you start to
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  think. So when I lean into curiosity,
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  let's say my partner comes at me and says, Hey, you are not doing
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  enough in your your recovery. I'm going to group, but I'm
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  recognizing all these other men are doing more and you're not
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  doing enough. I think you need to do this
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  differently or that differently. There's a chance that I'm
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  automatically going to go to a place of like defense.
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  Like they're coming at me, they're telling me I'm not
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  enough. If I lean in with even the star
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  of a script, which is really, it's not a script, it's values.
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  It's like, OK, all right, I can film myself in defense.
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  And my job right now is curiosity.
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  So I'm going to get curious. And then you decide what
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  curiosity looks like for you. And this is done before this
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  trigger happens. Curiosity for me is is starting
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  to seek to understand what's happening inside of me and then
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  inside of my partner. OK, so that might sound someone
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  like this. And this is my experience.
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  This is Lou Fortin's experience. OK so she's coming at me with
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  this and I'm feeling like I'm not enough.
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  OK, why am I not feeling like I'm enough?
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  What is happening? And I go, OK I'm getting
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  curious. I'm getting curious because I
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  noticed my heart rate starting to speed up and finding myself
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  wanting to withdraw, finding myself feeling like she's
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  against me, she doesn't like me. Why am I feeling that?
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  And this experience of starting to seek to understand and
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  getting curious about my own experience and what it is the
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  why, like what is happening that will translate.
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  And I actually encourage men voice some of the stuff out
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  loud. Say it.
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  Be vulnerable in your attempt in the curious space.
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  Talk to yourself out loud. Let those thoughts be out loud
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  and let your partner be able to hear that.
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  OK, I'm finding myself wanting to wanting to be defensive.
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  I'm just going to think out loud here for a second.
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  I'm finding myself wanting to be defensive, wanting to run away.
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  Why am I wanting to run away? Allow them to hear you talk
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  about this because that curiosity, what that can lead to
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  very naturally is curiosity from them.
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  OK, so I'm not going to run away.
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  It's my values. I'm not going to run away.
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  I know why I want to. So let me grab a piece of paper,
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  let me grab a pencil and let me ask you some questions because
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  I'm finding myself a defense and I want to get out of it.
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  So, OK, tell me more about what you're saying.
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  Can you, can you please, I'm sorry, can you please repeat
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  yourself again? And what I hear you saying is,
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  is I'm not doing enough. OK, So what are you noticing?
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  And what are you saying that I'm not doing enough of?
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  By the way, this approach can feel like I'm a doormat.
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  It can feel like I'm going to lose all my power.
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  I have no power, and I'm not going to lose my power.
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  What's very interesting about this experience is CVAR is built
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  to speak to your partner's dysregulated experience,
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  dysregulated side their their emotions.
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  The part that you're going to end up validating and
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  acknowledging validating, excuse me, which is, hey, I can see
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  you're in a lot of fear because now I've got curious and you
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  know, you're, you're saying what you're saying.
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  Remember, you have curiosity, acknowledge, validate and
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  reassure. We're going to spend less time
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  talking about those is later in the conversation, you're going
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  to validate that emotion and it's going to be validating the
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  way of that makes sense to me. What you're saying about that.
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  I'm not doing enough because I just got curious and can see it.
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  I, what I want to say is, believe it or not, that doesn't
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  necessarily mean you need to agree and just be completely on
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  board with everything that they're saying.
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  You get to validate that emotion and that feeling and that
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  current experience. Now, what I typically notice is
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  partners in that situation that are triggered, remember their
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  left part of their brain is working, which is the, the
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  survival part of their brain because it's a trigger.
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  So what we just want to acknowledge is the fact that
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  when you meet them in that motion and you see that emotion,
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  you feel that emotion, the right brain starts to engage.
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  And now it's more than just about that initial part of the
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  conversation. This is where intimacy kicks in.
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  So as you kind of navigate this and let me speak a little bit
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  more to the A and the V. So when you get curious, you're
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  just like, and this is probably if the journey is 100 miles, 80
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  of the miles are the curious part.
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  OK, tell me more. I want to understand this.
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  Let me ask a question like, I don't know if I fully understand
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  this. I want to know I, you know, and
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  I might not want to know, but my values want to know My value
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  based part of me wants to know my defense.
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  Part of me doesn't want to know. The acknowledged part is once
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  I'm curious enough, I can acknowledge something that's
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  really, really in crucial and really important for my partner,
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  which is OK. What we're actually talking
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  about is all of my past behavior.
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  My past is her present. She is scared and she is, and
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  I'm saying she recognizes that there's a lot of gender, gender
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  stuff because of the people I typically normally work with.
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  My partner is scared and they're triggered right now because
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  they're taking all of my past. So we have to acknowledge the
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  specific parts of the past this applies to.
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  So for me, it was like, I want to acknowledge that you're
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  hearing about other people in recovery and the progress
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  they're making or the things that they're doing.
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  And I recognize I have cheated on you.
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  I've held so many secrets, so many lies, and there is so much
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  work for me to do, so much for me to do that it's like, is it
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  enough? Because with the amount of stuff
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  I have in my history, am I doing enough?
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  So I wanted to acknowledge that with everything that I've done.
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  And then then you go on to the validate, which is I just want
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  to validate that that fear that I'm hearing.
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  I want to validate that that fear makes sense to me in that
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  experience. When you feel like a doormat,
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  you're not saying to your partner everything about your
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  experience is right and is my experience is that I can see you
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  in your experience and that is so important.
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  So anyway, the goal of this kind of podcast.
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  The thing that I wanted to talk about was the curiosity piece.
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  If I spend time in curiosity, which might start with a script
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  K of tell Me More and then getting in touch with myself,
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  that is going to help me get back inside my window of
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  tolerance, get back to a ground space so I can engage with my
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  partner. So anyway, it was really cool to
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  see these men in this intensive and in these groups put this
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  work in so they can be inside their window of tolerance.
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  I watched them just recognize that what they need to do is not
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  their job to calm their partner, it's to be able to get regulated
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  inside their self and then connect with their partner.
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  And they are starting to see, and it's so cool what their
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  actual responsibility is in the destructive nature of their
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  behavior. So what is my responsibility?
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  So anyway, yeah, don't give up, don't stop.
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  Understand what gets you outside your window of tolerance.
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  Use curiosity to propel you to intimacy.
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  Get curious about what you're feeling and what your partner's
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  feeling. Hi guys, it's Laura with Choose
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  Recovery Services. I wanted to let you know about a
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  course we have coming up, a boundaries boot camp.
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  If you've been walking this journey for any length of time,
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  surely you've heard the term boundaries and you likely have
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  thoughts, questions or even strong feelings about that word.
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  Questions like what are boundaries?
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  Why don't my boundaries work, how do I set healthy boundaries?
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  Or why does my partner get to set boundaries that control me?
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  And many others may be at the forefront of your mind.
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  Boundary work is one of the most important skills you can learn
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  not only to survive the betrayal, but to regain sure
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  footing and confidently that's beyond it in solid recovery and
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  healing. This Boundaries Boot Camp is a
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  six week course aimed at answering the most pressing
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  questions about boundaries and helping you step out of a place
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  of survival and into a place of thriving, both individually and
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  relationally. There are two groups that run
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  concurrently, 1 for betrayed partners and one for partners
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  seeking recovery. The answer for both is setting
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  healthy boundaries, but the approach is different.
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  Check out the link in the show notes or visit
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  chooserecoveryservices.com For more information.
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  Hey, thanks for joining us today.
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  If this is something that you connected with, I'd love to meet
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  with you more and talk about it. So what you can do is go to
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  chooserecoveryservices.com or check the show notes and there
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  what we can do is set up a quick conversation meet.
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  Thanks so much for listening to Beyond the Facade where we
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  unmask the authentic cell.