Latest / Libido Lounge / Why You’re Not Turned On: The Truth About Low Desire, Sexual Shame & Mismatched Libidos With Susan Morgan Taylor, MA

Transcript

Why You’re Not Turned On: The Truth About Low Desire, Sexual Shame & Mismatched Libidos With Susan Morgan Taylor, MA · Libido Lounge

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  It's one of the biggest problems that couples face.
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  I promise you, you're gonna have more passion in your relationship.
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  If you're feeling stuck and stagnant, just start telling the truth.
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  The studies have shown on average, it's twenty one or more minutes of, we could say foreplay,
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  stimulation of some sort before we'll be consistently orgasmic during penetrative sex.
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  But most men ejaculate in the first two to seven minutes of penetrative sex.
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  And so you can see here the disconnect.
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  Right?
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  Like a woman needs twenty one or more minutes of even a foreplay before penetration even
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  happens, much less who knows, you know, once we're in there, penetration is part of your
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  sexual repertoire in and it's all over in two minutes, let's see.
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  That is not enough time for her to really drop into what's possible for her.
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  So we have different arousal styles.
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  So when couples don't understand how they are wired and how their partner is wired, this
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  leads to all kinds of problems and nobody's broken, nobody needs to be fixed.
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  But when we know that piece, it really can clarify what's happening.
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  So that can lead to just a disinterest and a shutdown in sex over time where it just becomes
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  about, man, let me just give it to him because it's what he wants.
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  There's really nothing in it for her at that point.
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  So how do you begin to bring the the spirituality into sexuality?
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  And what does that really look like for you?
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  The answer to that is actually very simple, and it's not gonna sound spiritual at all.
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  Nothing more spiritual than the right now moment.
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  So where do you begin?
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  There's three things happening, and one of them
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  Hey, everybody.
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  Welcome back to another episode on The Lounge.
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  I am so thrilled to introduce you to my next guest here, a new friend of mine, Susan Susan
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  Morgan Taylor.
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  Susan is an amazing holistic sex therapist who has found a way to bridge sexuality and
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  focusing on sexuality for both women and couples with the art of spirituality.
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  So she really helps women and couples restore their relationships, get back to love, get back
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  to that passion, and normalizes the conversation around sexuality so that we can
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  talk about this and grow deeper into love and deeper into our connection with each other,
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  ourselves, our partners, and so much more.
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  She's, like I said, a holistic sex therapist and intuitive coach and really specializes in
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  women's sexuality.
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  So, Susan, I'm absolutely thrilled.
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  We're gonna talk about desire discrepancy.
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  We're gonna talk about being in the art of the presence and somatic work and what that means,
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  and we're gonna break down some myths about desire and discover some truths.
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  So we're gonna have a great time.
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  So welcome to the lounge.
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  Thank you so much, Diane.
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  I'm so excited to be here in the lounge and can't wait to have this first issue in either
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  way.
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  What are you guys gonna be looking for?
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  It's gonna be so good.
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  And let's let's jump right jump right in.
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  So in talking about desire, right, so one of the things that that I know you talk about is,
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  like, what is the truth about desire?
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  And I feel like what I see is because of things that I know so many of us talk about offline,
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  like porn and media and everything that we see in the world around desire, there's so many
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  myths, and I think people are living and trying to live up to this expectation of, like, what
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  desire, quote, unquote, should be like and should feel like.
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  So what truly is the truth here?
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  How do we break this down?
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  Yeah.
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  Well, yeah, I mean, one of the biggest challenges that I see in my work, I work you
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  know, I'm a specialist in women's sexuality, but I primarily work with couples like you,
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  Diane.
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  And we have this issue.
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  What you hear out there, like, the common term is, like, mismatched libido or high sex drive,
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  low sex drive, but clinical term is desire discrepancy is what we would call that, like,
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  clinically.
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  And, really, what this comes down to is, you know, there there's just it's one of the
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  biggest problems that couples face.
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  And it also, the challenge that I see is usually what you have happen is there's the,
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  quote, unquote, higher desire partner trying to find a way to get the lower desire partner to
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  rise to meet their sexual libido desire, and the lower desire partner is probably feeling
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  broken, like, they need to be fixed.
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  And and this really is not the right approach to take in my opinion.
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  And so part of what I'm here to do and what I'd love to get across to your listeners today is,
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  like, let's get rid of this idea of high libido, low libido.
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  Because what the truth really is is that we're well, there's a few things going on here.
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  There's really, like, three main keys that happen here.
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  It's one of the things I teach in my monthly master class.
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  There's three things happening, and one of them one of them is we have different arousal maps.
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  So we're wired differently.
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  We have different ways that we come online and become interested in sex.
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  And a lot of times what's happening is we're going the more explicitly sexual route.
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  We're going straight for, say, genital touch and explicitly, quote, unquote, we think of as
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  sex, which that does not work for everybody.
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  Some people need a little bit more of a slower pace or they need less, more sensual type of
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  touch or they need more teasing before they're going to become interested in sex.
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  So we have different arousal styles.
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  So when couples don't understand how they are wired and how their partner is wired, this
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  leads to all kinds of problems of, like, not being on the same page and feeling like, oh,
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  someone's broken.
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  Someone needs to raise their libido or needs to be fixed.
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  And we just need to change that conversation.
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  Nobody's broken.
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  Nobody needs to be fixed.
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  But when we know that piece, it really can clarify what's happening.
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  So that's that's one of the causes of that desire discrepancy.
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  So when somebody has this desire discrepancy and we say we say, okay.
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  There's nothing wrong with anybody.
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  Right?
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  So where do people begin, though, to go and solve it?
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  And I see sometimes people try, like, well, let's meet in the middle.
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  I wanna have sex every day.
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  You wanna have sex twice a month.
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  So maybe we, like, meet in the middle and try to have sex once every ten days.
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  Yeah.
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  And, usually, that leads to, like, nobody really being happy in in my experience.
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  So where do people in your you know, with your work and what you've seen,
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  where
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  do people really begin to break this down and find a way of solving this that is not this,
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  like, meet in the middle kind
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  of Exactly.
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  That I love that question.
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  And so in the process I've created called the pleasure keys process, it's what I use.
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  My couple's retreats, I use this a lot in my work.
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  It's the three there's three n what I call the three n's.
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  Notice, name, negotiate.
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  The very first place we start to answer your question to keep this simple, we start with the
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  ability to notice, which takes us back to our capacity to access what's called direct
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  pleasure.
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  So we have two ways of experiencing pleasure, two primary ways that we experience pleasure or
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  in we'll call it enjoyment.
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  One is the indirect route.
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  The other is the direct route.
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  So the indirect route is when we're, say, watching porn or creating a a fantasy in our
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  mind or seeing our partner have a really good time and get turn you know, excited by
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  something we're doing to them.
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  It's coming through the visual, through the eyes, stimulating visual cortex, and we become
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  aroused or, you know, receive pleasure in that way.
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  It's a very valid pathway, but the other pathway is direct pleasure, and that is the
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  pathway that's direct to the nerve endings in the skin directly to the brain.
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  And what I see happen when couples are struggling with this issue of not being on the
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  same page and high libido, low libido, one or both of them.
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  Most of the time, it's both of them.
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  They might not realize it.
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  There's a a limitation to their capacity to access this direct route.
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  And when we don't have access to that direct route, we don't have access to our own to our
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  own arousal and what turns us on and what we want, what we don't want, what we like, what we
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  don't like, what we're willing to do or not willing to do.
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  And that's why that conversation on, like, let's meet in the middle never really works
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  because a lot of times what's happening is someone's probably pushing past some limit.
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  They're not really truly coming at it from, like, a desire or a willingness, and that's
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  never gonna lead to more pleasure, more enjoyment, or more arousal.
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  So the very first step is to open that direct pathway in the body, that direct route of
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  pleasure in the body.
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  So the curiosity I have around that, and then I wanna get into your, you know, kind of your
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  other ends here as well, is one of the things I've said in my work a lot is the pathway to
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  pleasure is directly will related to the pathway to presence.
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  The capacity experience pleasure is directly related to the the capacity to experience
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  presence.
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  And I imagine not, you know, knowing exactly the specifics of your somatic work, but I
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  imagine that there is an l a huge element, I would suspect, of presence.
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  So when you're talking about this direct pathway, does that involve anything, like, with
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  the ability to actually be present in the body to Absolutely.
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  Experience?
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  Yeah.
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  Absolutely.
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  And that actually is really the fir like, being present in the body is how we start to, access
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  or or move the debris out of that pathway.
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  And it's very simple.
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  So because that's what I hear a lot too.
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  Like, well, I'm stuck in my head or I have performance anxiety.
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  Right?
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  You're not you're not present or I can't be present.
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  Yeah.
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  Everybody can be present.
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  It's like exercising a muscle.
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  Right?
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  And so the very first step to opening that direct pathway for pleasure through the body,
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  through the nerve endings on the skin, it's actually extremely simple.
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  And how we do it is by noticing physical sensation, and all of us have the capacity to
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  do that.
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  Now, you know, it might be it's exercising a muscle.
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  It might take a minute before you can really stay with physical sensation, but we start by
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  just noticing what sensation is available to me here right now.
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  And we do it in very simple ways, by the way.
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  Like, we're we don't even really have to start genitally or, you know, quote unquote sexually.
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  We start by waking this pathway up even just through the hands, by learning how to notice
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  what sensations are available right now in my hands.
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  And then we can expand that to what do I notice right now in my in my body, the weight of the
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  chair against my back, the feeling of the the air against my skin.
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  So that immediately is the quickest pathway to the present moment is to come into physical
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  sensation.
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  It's just a shift of our awareness.
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  That's all we're doing.
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  So we're not trying to, like, clear our thoughts or not think of anything or stare at a
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  blank wall for an hour.
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  All we're doing is just shifting our awareness from being up in the head in the past, future,
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  wherever, doing the grocery list to what what's happening right now?
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  What's what am I able to notice right now in this moment in my body as a physical sensation
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  that brings us into the present?
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  Yeah.
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  It's it's one of these things when I've, done live classes in front of audiences and I ask,
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  especially women, like, how many of you guys have ever been thinking about the grocery list
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  in the middle of doing sex?
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  How many of you ever, like, had that knowing the list?
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  And it's amazing when when people are honest and you see one hand come up in the room and
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  all of a sudden, like, multiple hands.
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  And and it's really common.
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  Right?
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  Because I think without this training, like, what you do with your clients around that
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  direct presence and practicing throughout the day, it's like, if we're not practicing that
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  throughout the day and that's not becoming part of our life around directly present to the
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  sensations Right.
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  When we get to the bedroom, that same thing that's happening all day to keep our mind
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  wandering all over the places, it's gonna happen in the bedroom naturally because
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  Absolutely.
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  Like you said, we haven't practiced that that muscle.
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  So then what about the other ways of really helping with this, you know, this discrepancy
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  and these three ends?
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  Can you talk more about those?
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  Yeah.
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  So the very first piece is that getting that direct pathway open through being in the body.
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  And, one thing I wanna say too is we tend to think of sex as a doing.
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  Like, we're trying to get to this activity or get to the doing of the thing, the kissing, the
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  touching, the penetration, whatever.
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  And what we what really helps is just getting out of this idea that's doing.
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  It's not about getting to some particular thing.
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  If we can slow down and do the noticing part really well first, that's where pleasure and
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  arousal start to open up and expand.
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  So pleasure expands from where we already find it in the body, not from where we try to tell
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  it to go.
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  So to answer your question, next piece, once we get that noticing and we get good at that skill
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  is to name.
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  So this is about learning to name, not just naming what I notice, but also when I'm able to
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  notice, I can start to identify what do I want, what do I need, what do I not want, What am I
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  willing to do or not do?
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  So we start to have this finer level of discernment from that connection to our own,
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  direct pathway of pleasure in the body.
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  And then we can start to name it.
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  And when we get that, then we're we're now clear.
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  So I can either, you know, I can either name it within myself what I would need right now.
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  Oh, I'm noticing that I need to slow down or I need to breathe more deeply, or I might need to
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  hear certain words from my partner.
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  Like, I can then advocate for that need or that desire.
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  So there's that piece internally, but we can also go relationally.
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  Maybe there's something that I need my partner or want my partner to do or something I would
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  like to do to my partner.
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  So we can start to bring that into the relational space.
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  That's the second n, which leads, you know, sort of organically to what's the third n.
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  Right?
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  The third n is that negotiate part.
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  So negotiate is where either, negotiating for myself, advocating for a desire or need that I
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  can either give to myself, or relationally, working out that with my partner.
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  And there's so many ways to do this.
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  We can do it very directly, verbally.
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  There's also ways to do negotiation where we're not using words at all.
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  Usually, when I'm working with a couple, we're or or an individual client, we're working with
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  using words because I think that we can't really give that piece up until we have gotten
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  really good at it.
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  But there's lots of ways to do that negotiating dance where it might not even involve the use
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  of explicit direct words.
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  But learning how to do that directly in a way that your partner can hear it and you can hear
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  it and there's no, like, terrible reactions that happen, that's where the clarity is
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  created.
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  And when there's clarity, there is connection and there is confidence.
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  So how do you in, like, that then negotiate standpoint?
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  Because I feel like that's such a critical part, right, in the couples and the
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  interrelational.
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  How do you coach people to begin to have those conversations when like, one of the things that
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  I've seen in studies around these kind of conversations is, like, anytime we have
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  conflict conversation and really and research, there's three threats, the threat to the self,
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  the threat to the partner, the threat to the relationship.
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  And then in sex, it's interesting in in conversations around sex.
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  Out of those three threats, the one that is, like, the biggest threat in studies is the
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  threat to oneself.
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  So, like, okay.
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  I'm gonna say to my partner, hey.
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  I'm gonna negotiate and make this request around my need.
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  Then the threat to the individual is actually the biggest thing from the standpoint of, like,
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  the ego and all these things.
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  Right?
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  Because we all wanna provide pleasure to our partner, but, you know, like, innately.
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  So where do you begin, like, in your work to to kind of unpack that negotiating, helping people
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  have success with it?
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  Absolutely.
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  And I I would say that that's where a lot of couples get stuck.
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  We're trying to leap to this negotiating part when we haven't developed the first two ends.
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  We haven't gotten this direct pathway open in our body, and we're not good at noticing.
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  And so we're directly trying to create a thing that maybe we maybe we do want it, but we're
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  not good at the other part of it.
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  So that part has to happen first before the negotiating is gonna be good.
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  And then the other piece is and this is another problem with desire discrepancy and why we have
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  it is there's couples don't have a proven road map.
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  They don't have a framework.
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  They don't have mute they don't have a mutual understanding or a common language or an actual
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  lens to be able to see the problem through.
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  And so that's what I do when I do my couples retreats.
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  It's what I'm teaching my couples.
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  They're learning how to have that foundation so they have a common language, and they learn how
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  to see through it's almost just like it's like, once it it gels, it's like, oh my gosh.
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  Like, I can see it now.
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  I see why we were having this challenge.
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  And so a lot of what you're speaking to, those threats are drastically reduced because they're
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  sort of there's a clarity there now, and there's a mutual understanding of what's
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  actually going on because my no is not a rejection of somebody else.
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  Right?
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  And that tends to be how we hear, like, oh my god.
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  I've been rejected.
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  And that's why, you know, why don't we ask for what we want?
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  Well, fear of rejection, fear of being judged, some fear of some sort, usually.
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  Right?
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  Fear of being selfish, fear of hurting my partner's feelings if I speak up for what I
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  want.
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  But when we have a common understanding and clarity in terms of what role am I playing,
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  what role are you playing, whose desire are we following, when that clarity is there and
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  language is common, the road map is clear, so we reduce a lot of those perceived threats.
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  They become less of an issue, and it becomes something that, ideally, we get really good at
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  at beginning to manage and have a different relationship with.
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  So that that that's not the stance we're coming from.
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  It's from the threat, the one of those three threats.
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  And I love what you said there that the no is not a rejection.
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  Right?
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  And I think even just, like, that simple that's why I wanna repeat that because I think that
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  even that that simple understanding is so pivotal for being like, well, if I don't feel
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  rejected, this no doesn't mean a rejection, then it allows us to be much more present in
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  the conversation, I think, curious in the conversation to hear all the other things that
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  are really at the truth and and put the couple back together on that same team.
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  Right?
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  Yeah.
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  Absolutely.
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  And that's the key is sort of that curiosity and that willingness to the a no doesn't have
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  to be the end of the whole negotiation or the whole conversation, and that that's what
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  happens a lot too.
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  Right?
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  It's like, oh, that didn't go well.
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  He didn't want it.
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  She doesn't want it.
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  So we're just gonna call the whole thing off, and it doesn't have to be that.
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  It can be, okay.
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  You're a no to that request.
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  So so what else could we come up with that would be within your limits right now that you
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  would be willing to provide or you would be willing to receive?
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  Right?
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  So we work at that level of that's the negotiating part.
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  It doesn't have to be the end of the conversation just because someone's a no to
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  that particular offer at that time.
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  And I think it's so critical.
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  Right?
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  Because we're not taught how to have these conversations.
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  So it's just that that framework of how to do this is is amazing.
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  And and what about then for women in particular?
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  Because I know you specialize both in couples and women.
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  And I think one of the problems that women find is, oh my gosh.
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  Like, I don't even have the desire.
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  I can't even bring this conversation and get to the name because I don't even want it.
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  I was talking to a a friend of mine this weekend.
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  I saw her, like, three weeks ago, and she had just started she's in perimenopause.
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  It just started hormones, and she was so excited.
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  And she was like, my libido's back on.
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  Hormones are so fun.
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  And so that was three weeks ago.
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  Now this past weekend, I see her again, and she's like, oh, even with the hormones, her
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  libido went up, and then it's, like, flat lined.
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  Right?
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  So it's stuff that I know we both talk about in our work around, like, hormones are not
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  everything.
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  They're important.
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  We gotta keep balance, but Right.
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  They're not everything.
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  So Yeah.
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  From a standpoint of this desire.
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  Right?
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  Like, from a standpoint of what is even getting somebody to the conversation to even talk about
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  the discrepancies or talk about their needs, wants, preferences, all these things.
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  What do you find for women?
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  Because we are, you know, very complicated creatures in many ways.
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  What are the what are the root causes of that low desire that you find as commonly?
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  I mean, you know, in in lot of cases, a lot of women are context oriented contextually, so
• 19:17
  we're you know, there's something called contextual desire, contextual arousal, where
• 19:20
  it's really about what's happening in our environment, how are we feeling about our body
• 19:23
  that day, how do we feel about our relationship, did something happen at work
• 19:27
  yesterday that didn't go well.
• 19:29
  So it's we're very plugged into our context generally.
• 19:31
  So that can absolutely have an impact on a woman's libido and interest in sex.
• 19:35
  But there's also other factors that come into play here, and first of all, I really think
• 19:39
  it's a myth there's this myth out there that, like, women don't want sex as much as men, and
• 19:43
  women are always the lower desire partners.
• 19:44
  It's not always true.
• 19:45
  Like, that was true very much in my story.
• 19:48
  I totally understand that place, which is why, you know, really love the whole conversation on
• 19:52
  women's sexuality.
• 19:54
  But it doesn't have to be because what's happening is though there's several things.
• 19:59
  One of the things that happens a lot of times is as women, we don't know our bodies, and we
• 20:03
  and our partners probably don't either.
• 20:05
  But our bodies have the same amount of erectile tissue as a man's body.
• 20:08
  It's just spread out over a larger area.
• 20:11
  We tend to need, on average, what the studies have shown on average, it's twenty one or more
• 20:15
  minutes of, we could say, foreplay stimulation of some sort before we'll be consistently
• 20:21
  orgasmic during penetrative sex.
• 20:24
  So there's that.
• 20:25
  So if we're not giving our bodies time to actually warm up and really be, like, really
• 20:30
  ready, get us out of our head, get those tissues engorged, get us in a place where
• 20:34
  we're, you know, not doing the grocery list anymore.
• 20:36
  That takes time because we are plugged into our prefrontal cortex.
• 20:39
  It's the wrong part of the brain for sexual arousal.
• 20:42
  We wanna be in the parasympathetic nervous system where the the prefrontal cortex is
• 20:46
  quieted, the brain waves slow down to alpha or theta waves, not the beta, which is the doing
• 20:50
  mind.
• 20:51
  So there's that piece that's happening that that over time, if we continue to not
• 20:55
  understand that or not honor the difference in our body, it will lead to a a loss of interest
• 20:59
  in sex over time.
• 21:01
  The next piece that tends to happen is that it depends on what study you consult, but most men
• 21:06
  ejaculate in the first two to seven minutes of penetrative sex.
• 21:10
  And so you can see here the disconnect.
• 21:12
  Right?
• 21:12
  Like, a woman needs 21 of even just foreplay before penetration even happens, much less who
• 21:18
  knows, you know, once we're in there, if penetration is part of your sexual repertoire,
• 21:22
  and and it's all over in two minutes, let's say, that is not enough time for her to really
• 21:28
  drop into what's possible for her.
• 21:32
  So that can lead to just a disinterest and a shutdown in sex over time where it just becomes
• 21:36
  about the man.
• 21:37
  Let me just give it to him because it's what he wants.
• 21:39
  There's really nothing in it for her at that point.
• 21:42
  The last piece here is emotional connection.
• 21:46
  If that piece is offline, we're not feeling connected to our partner or, you know, again,
• 21:50
  the contextual piece, something happened at work or, you know, bad you know, just kinda not
• 21:56
  feeling great about my body that day or how I look, how I smell.
• 21:59
  Like, those things all impact our ability to really relax and show up and feel good where
• 22:03
  we're getting something from the sexual encounter versus it just being for the man.
• 22:09
  Yeah.
• 22:09
  I so well say.
• 22:10
  I think one of the things that that females and men just from a standpoint of, like, the brain
• 22:16
  function of this such a hard time understanding the other is, like, the ability of the man to,
• 22:20
  like, just focus so much.
• 22:22
  And so it's so easy to compartmentalize, right, of, like, okay.
• 22:26
  I had a bad day, but I'm putting that over here.
• 22:28
  And right now, I have my sex brain on.
• 22:30
  And, like and I think for women, it's like, well, what do you mean?
• 22:33
  Like, it's all, like, because of women's ability to have this diffuse awareness and take
• 22:37
  in so much information at once.
• 22:40
  Yeah.
• 22:40
  Either these
• 22:40
  are good or bad.
• 22:41
  They're just different, you know, skill sets and strains.
• 22:44
  Right?
• 22:44
  And I think it's one of those things where it's like, because of that, because there's so much
• 22:48
  information coming in for the female brain all the time Yeah.
• 22:52
  It does take time for it to reroute and to drop into that.
• 22:57
  And without knowing it, it can be as simple as, like, well, I asked my partner to take out the
• 23:01
  trash this morning, and he didn't.
• 23:03
  And now I feel like I'm doing everything.
• 23:06
  We make up stories, and then we go down this, Yeah.
• 23:10
  This rabbit hole.
• 23:11
  So I think it's really, you know, really important to, you know, look at all those
• 23:15
  things you're talking about and getting out of that you know, the head there and into into the
• 23:20
  body.
• 23:20
  And so totally.
• 23:21
  Then tell us a little bit too because I'm really curious from a standpoint since one of
• 23:25
  your focuses is is really in this bridge between spirituality and sexuality.
• 23:31
  So how do you begin to bring the the spirituality into sexuality, and what does that
• 23:36
  really look like for you?
• 23:37
  Yeah.
• 23:38
  And, you know, the answer to that is actually very simple, and it's not gonna sound spiritual
• 23:42
  at all.
• 23:42
  But I mean, when we're in the when we're in the present moment here now, which some of that is
• 23:47
  a somatic piece.
• 23:48
  Right?
• 23:48
  It's like, am I here in my body right now feeling what there is to feel in this moment?
• 23:52
  That's an aspect of it.
• 23:53
  The other piece is just the coming into the right now moment brings us into true.
• 23:57
  Truth is one of the things that brings us into the right now moment.
• 24:00
  And that piece is like, can I really be honest and truthful with myself right now?
• 24:03
  What am I actually feeling in my body?
• 24:06
  How am I feeling right now about this moment or what happened between me and my partner?
• 24:09
  What is it that I really need right now?
• 24:11
  What's actually happening in this moment?
• 24:14
  Giving myself complete and total permission to feel that thing even if it's ugly.
• 24:18
  Right?
• 24:18
  A lot of times, it's ugly.
• 24:19
  It's like, no.
• 24:20
  Like, I don't wanna admit that I'm really pissed off or I'm really angry or I'm feeling
• 24:24
  really jealous.
• 24:25
  You know, like, we're tagging one of the we did not want we'll admit the other things.
• 24:29
  Oh, I'm hurt or I'm angry, but, you know, we don't wanna admit the ugly stuff.
• 24:33
  So it's a matter of can I be honest and truthful of that in myself, and then am I
• 24:37
  willing to bring that into the relational space and to be witnessed in that, to bring that in
• 24:42
  relationally as the truth of I feel this right now?
• 24:45
  When that happened, I experienced it like this.
• 24:47
  Like, really bringing the truth in brings us into the present moment, and there's nothing
• 24:51
  more spiritual than the right now moment.
• 24:53
  So that's really what the spirituality piece is about, which is very, you know, it's not woo
• 25:00
  woo.
• 25:00
  That's not very new age.
• 25:01
  That's just, like, right here, right now, what's happening.
• 25:03
  You bring truth in.
• 25:04
  I promise you, you're gonna have more passion in your relationship.
• 25:07
  You're definitely gonna start to feel more.
• 25:09
  More stuff is good.
• 25:09
  If you're feeling stuck and stagnant, just start telling the truth.
• 25:13
  That's gonna shift things up real quick.
• 25:15
  And I think you're so right about those kinda ugly things.
• 25:18
  Right?
• 25:18
  I think even as, like, children, we're not really taught sometimes to be like,
• 25:23
  disappointment's a normal human emotion.
• 25:25
  Like, embarrassment's a normal human emotion.
• 25:27
  Even things like jealousy are normal human emotions.
• 25:30
  Right?
• 25:30
  These come up for for humans, and it's not personal.
• 25:34
  And I think the just like you and I are working to make the conversation around sex less less
• 25:39
  taboo and just more of like, hey.
• 25:41
  How do we talk about this in a really healthy way?
• 25:44
  Same thing for these types of emotions.
• 25:46
  Like so I really appreciate that and, like, just naming around.
• 25:48
  Like, I'm a little embarrassed about this or I feel this and being able to be in the present
• 25:53
  with those emotions because the more I think we're dropping into the present and practicing
• 25:57
  that in our life, the more, I think it like I said, it it just it just goes into the the
• 26:04
  practice of sexuality in the bedroom as well.
• 26:07
  Yeah.
• 26:07
  And it's really
• 26:08
  you know, the spiritual practice of love is a practice of I like to use the word embrace.
• 26:13
  So it's not about, let me deny this bad feeling and move on to the next thing or get to the
• 26:17
  good feeling.
• 26:18
  That's denial.
• 26:19
  That's always gonna take us further away from connection, from love, and also from pleasure
• 26:23
  and from orgasmic experiences, at least what's really available to us, which is much more than
• 26:27
  just, you know, the climax most of us are familiar with.
• 26:30
  It's a lot more available.
• 26:31
  So the practice of embrace is a spiritual practice of love where we're saying yes to
• 26:34
  everything that arises in the moment, everything including the shame, the jealousy,
• 26:39
  the anger, the hatred, the rage, and the love, the pleasure, the joy, the bliss, the
• 26:45
  silliness, all of it.
• 26:47
  We're able to embrace and say yes.
• 26:48
  Oh, that is one of the most profound and simplest spiritual practices available that,
• 26:53
  you know, it truly can move the needle if we're willing to be that courageous and take that on
• 26:57
  as a practice.
• 26:58
  And I think with that, I think one of the things and I wanna, save the answer to this for
• 27:04
  our part two and tell our listeners how to get to part two as well.
• 27:08
  Because I think one of the things that people struggle with in what you're talking about is
• 27:12
  almost as both and approach.
• 27:14
  Right?
• 27:14
  How can I experience in life?
• 27:17
  How can I maybe experience something like jealousy or embarrassment or whatever it is,
• 27:22
  but also experience connection and love at the same time?
• 27:25
  And it's like Yeah.
• 27:26
  You know, we get stuck in this either or when we're way more dynamic of of humans than that.
• 27:31
  And so I I'd like to get into, like, how we really deal with, like, the the paradox around
• 27:37
  the emotion and how that applies to sex and sexuality.
• 27:40
  Yeah.
• 27:41
  And I know we're also gonna talk in part two, like, the number one question that every couple
• 27:46
  should know the answer for.
• 27:47
  So as I'm really so I'm really curious about your number one question and what people should
• 27:51
  know the answer for.
• 27:52
  So for everybody that's listening, part two is going to be accessible by joining our libido
• 27:58
  club.
• 27:58
  So if you go into the show notes, you'll see how to join the libido club and where we're
• 28:04
  featuring other guests like Susan and your monthly ability to get your sex education
• 28:10
  techniques, so much more.
• 28:12
  And so look in the show notes for that.
• 28:14
  But I also wanna make sure before we wrap up this part one that people know how to get ahold
• 28:20
  of you.
• 28:20
  I know you have your Pleasure Keys ebook on your website.
• 28:25
  We're gonna put that in the show notes as well as your connection code monthly class and
• 28:29
  information about that.
• 28:30
  So all of the links of working with Susan will be in the show notes.
• 28:33
  But tell us a little bit more about your your free ebook as well as I wanna make sure
• 28:37
  everybody knows about these retreats you're doing because you guys I've looked at Susan's
• 28:41
  website and the retreats, and these are just, like, I feel like genius ways that she's
• 28:46
  bringing couples together for ways of very and very classy ways of helping couples go through
• 28:53
  these kind of conversations that we're having today and getting the support they need in real
• 28:58
  time.
• 28:59
  Because, of course, we're talking about this here, but if we don't practice it, you know,
• 29:03
  nothing really works.
• 29:04
  We gotta put this stuff into practice, and that's some of what Susan's doing in her
• 29:07
  retreat.
• 29:07
  So tell us a little bit more about your retreats of your word as well as your free
• 29:11
  ebook giveaway.
• 29:12
  Yeah.
• 29:12
  Absolutely.
• 29:12
  So ebook is available at pleasurekeys.com.
• 29:15
  And what's really cool about the ebook is that you were talking about this piece of presence
• 29:19
  and how do we do that.
• 29:21
  That ebook is gonna tell you how to do that.
• 29:23
  So it's the three keys to deepening pleasure, increasing your orgasmic potential, and
• 29:26
  creating mutual sexual fulfillment, And that's at pleasurekeys.com.
• 29:30
  So I hope everyone will grab a copy of that, and it'll give you a little bit more of, like,
• 29:33
  the how to of some of what we talked about today, Diane.
• 29:36
  And then, yes, the retreats are fabulous.
• 29:40
  The Pleasure Keys retreats, and all the information for those retreats are on my main
• 29:44
  website at pathwaytopleasure.com.
• 29:47
  Our next one is coming up here in '20 well, I do them several times a year.
• 29:50
  We do have one coming up here in a couple of months, but they happen several times a year.
• 29:54
  And it's a beautiful way to get away from the craziness of your life and to really dive deep
• 30:00
  into the experiential learning that needs to happen if we're really gonna move the needle
• 30:05
  with, coming back into deeper connection and solving this issue of mismatched sexual desire.
• 30:10
  And I wanna say, you know, at the retreats, they are there's no it's all nonsexual,
• 30:14
  actually.
• 30:15
  It'll improve your sex life in every relationship you have.
• 30:18
  We're not you know, there's no getting naked.
• 30:20
  There's no sexual touching really that happens at the retreats.
• 30:23
  But what you're learning is the the common language, the skill set, and this proven road
• 30:27
  map that you're gonna be able to use moving forward for the rest of your life, the rest of
• 30:32
  your relationship, future relationships, etcetera.
• 30:35
  It's it's the most effective way I found to really help couples move the needle, getting
• 30:40
  that immersive format.
• 30:41
  And then I also do a monthly master class, a free master class called the connection code on
• 30:46
  the five keys to deepen the connection and resolve the mismatched libido for good.
• 30:50
  And that information, again, is just on my main website at pathwaytopleasure.com.
• 30:54
  Perfect.
• 30:54
  Thank you for all of those offerings.
• 30:56
  And you guys, again, we'll have all of that in the show notes.
• 30:59
  I hope you will get download these, you know, these free gifts.
• 31:02
  Go check out the retreat.
• 31:03
  Please go check out the retreat.
• 31:04
  And make sure you look for the libido club as well below so that you can get part two because
• 31:09
  we gotta know this question that every couple should know the answer to, and we're gonna talk
• 31:14
  about that paradox, pleasure, somatic experience, and more in our libido club
• 31:19
  meeting.
• 31:19
  So thank you so much for being here with me today.
• 31:22
  It's been a true pleasure, and thank you everybody for being on another episode of the
• 31:27
  lounge.
• 31:31
  Thank you for listening to the libido lounge.
• 31:33
  Please don't keep me a secret.
• 31:34
  Please share this with your friends.
• 31:36
  You can find me on YouTube, on Instagram, as well as how to work with me at mylibidodoc.com.