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The Independence Trap: Being Self-Sufficient is Hurting Your Marriage · Doing Marriage Well

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  Doing Marriage Well for March 31st, 2026 The Independence Trap Being self-sufficient
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  is hurting your marriage.
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  One of the tricky things about dealing with the injury done to us when we were
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  children is we sometimes don't see how it affected us as being bad.
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  Sometimes we see what it made us as good, and we don't make an effort to change what we think is good.
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  One common way this happens is when our younger selves figure out our parents
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  were not doing what they needed.
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  Raising a child well requires far more than food, shelter, and education.
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  Children need love, support, encouragement, and praise.
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  There are a lot of reasons kids get shortchanged. Maybe you were raised by a
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  single parent who was doing well just to keep the kids' clothes and fed.
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  Perhaps one or both spouses were addicts. Maybe they never dealt with the ways
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  they were messed up by their parents.
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  Or perhaps they were just selfish. Regardless of why it happens When six-year-old
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  Chris or eight-year-old Sam Realize they can't count on their parents They start
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  taking care of themselves They don't bother their parents Seeing it as a waste
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  of time Out of necessity,
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  they become very adept At looking out for and caring for themselves,
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  As adults, such folks are often proud Of how self-sufficient and independent
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  they are But the reality is People tend to be isolated or detached And can suffer
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  from stress, burnout, anxiety Or an inability to ask for help
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  They hide these things well, but they can't connect as they should because they never trust anyone.
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  This hurts their personal relationships, especially marriage.
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  God says marriage is two people becoming one. If you're unable to trust your
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  spouse because of your past, you can't be one.
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  The spouse of someone who is too self-sufficient can feel unneeded or shut out.
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  This issue is near and not so dear to my heart because both Lori and I have suffered from it.
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  By the grace of God and a lot of determination, we have led each other in to
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  an amazing degree. But we still each had a streak of self-sufficiency.
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  Recently, God gave us a crash and burn event that forced us to confront our truth.
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  That has resulted in a huge change for both of us And it feels wonderful We're
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  still finding ways that it changed and freed us That we did not expect My only
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  regret is that it took us so long to get here But it takes time It's a marathon,
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  not a sprint If you are self-sufficient because you realized Your parents wouldn't
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  care for you as they should You are walking wounded And your marriage is limited,
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  Please realize what you did was a necessary evil in
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  the past But it's not what God wanted for you Calling it a good thing today
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  is wrong And you need to face that and heal So you can let your spouse in This
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  is Paul And you can't do marriage well If you're still trying to do it all by
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  yourself Related article Please check out Gottman's How Your Childhood Can Affect
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  Your Marriage There's a link in the show notes.