Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 279. Flashback Friday - When a Friendship No Longer Fits

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279. Flashback Friday - When a Friendship No Longer Fits · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

0:05
Speaker 1: Appogiae Production. Welcome to the She Rises Podcast. I'm Ashy
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Speaker 1: and I'm Tiana. This podcast is about female empowerment.
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Speaker 2: And encouraging you to be your biggest, boldest, and most
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Speaker 2: authentic version of yourself.
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Speaker 1: We help you shed the shame, grow to a new level.
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Speaker 1: We're gonna laugh, cry, and talk about the topics everyone
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Speaker 1: else is too afraid to talk about.
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Speaker 2: Get ready for your next level of self.
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Speaker 3: If you had a client that came to you and it'say, oh, Tiana,
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Speaker 3: I've got this friend or I'm in this relationship and
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Speaker 3: I just know it's no good for me anymore. But
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Speaker 3: I just I don't know how to have that hard
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Speaker 3: conversation like with the friend. Do I just kind of
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Speaker 3: slowly wean away and not reply to her messages? Oh
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Speaker 3: that doesn't feel right? Or yeah, let's start with friendship first.
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Speaker 3: How would you advise someone to break off that friendship? Like,
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Speaker 3: do you advise them to break it off like a
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Speaker 3: freaking breakup and a text message or have a conversation
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Speaker 3: or just slowly stop replying and inviting them?
1:01
Speaker 1: Like?
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Speaker 3: What would you advise block them? Now?
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Speaker 2: I just yeah, just like delete. So this actually happened
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Speaker 2: last week with a client of mine, and wow, yeah,
1:10
Speaker 2: this happened. This has been a very common theme with
1:12
Speaker 2: my clients recently, a lot of change, a lot of
1:14
Speaker 2: rapid growth, a lot of fear of leaving people behind. Right,
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Speaker 2: And my client came to me and she goes, tis like,
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Speaker 2: obviously under competence. We only share what I can share.
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Speaker 2: But just briefly, she goes, Tiana, I've tried to make
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Speaker 2: this friendship work. I've tried everything. There's nothing more that
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Speaker 2: I can give to this friendship. I have made effort.
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Speaker 2: I've tried to go to her house. I try to
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Speaker 2: engage in the things that she likes. I try to
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Speaker 2: make time for us to catch up. And she just
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Speaker 2: gives me breadcrumbs. She gives me nothing. It's always about
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Speaker 2: her or she does just talk about her. She doesn't
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Speaker 2: hold space for me all the things. And I just
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Speaker 2: said to her, how is this feeling for you right now?
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Speaker 2: And she just said to me, it doesn't feel good.
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Speaker 2: I'm like, do you feel safe around her?
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Speaker 3: She said no?
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Speaker 2: Like would you trust her with your biggest, deepest, darkest secrets?
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Speaker 2: She goes, no, would she be somebody that you can
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Speaker 2: call upon? At three o'clock in the morning, and she
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Speaker 2: said no. And I asked her, and this is something
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Speaker 2: I would get all of you to ask yourself, is
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Speaker 2: is this person actually aligned for me? And pay attention
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Speaker 2: to what your body is telling you. And she said no.
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Speaker 2: I was like, okay, So, based on your relationship with
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Speaker 2: her and how either deep, how much respect you have
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Speaker 2: for her, how much love you have for her, how
2:23
Speaker 2: long you've been friends, do you think this relationship is
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Speaker 2: deserving of a conversation? And she said no. Okay, yeah,
2:30
Speaker 2: so I think the thing different case to the case.
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Speaker 2: I think the biggest thing out of this is that
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Speaker 2: when you genuinely have love, respect, you've spent a lot
2:40
Speaker 2: of time with someone, you have a deep, genuine connection.
2:43
Speaker 2: When you've fallen out of sync with them, you have
2:45
Speaker 2: a conversation. Right, This is at least what I've done
2:48
Speaker 2: in my past. But the way that I also gauge
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Speaker 2: is whether I do or don't have a conversation with him,
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Speaker 2: is like, how much do I actually love, respect, and
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Speaker 2: value this person? And if the answer is no, do
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Speaker 2: I value them enough? And my answer is no, I
3:01
Speaker 2: let it fizzle out and it will die out on
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Speaker 2: its own and we can love each other from a
3:05
Speaker 2: and that can be it. But if it's someone that
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Speaker 2: you feel like I would be disappointed if I didn't
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Speaker 2: have this conversation with him because I love them so much,
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Speaker 2: that's when you know you need to.
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Speaker 3: Have a xation. I suppose if that person, like say
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Speaker 3: in that situation, if her friend came to her and
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Speaker 3: was like, let's just call her Anna, Hey, Anna, I've
3:22
Speaker 3: noticed you've pulled away. I really miss you, Like, are
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Speaker 3: we okay? Then she can also be like, hey, well,
3:27
Speaker 3: know that you've brought it up. Things aren't feeling alive
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Speaker 3: with me or da da da, and you can have
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Speaker 3: that conversation let her know how you're feeling. So then
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Speaker 3: you're putting your boundary in place of like, this is
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Speaker 3: the end for me. But you also have been respectful
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Speaker 3: and kind and sent her love and given her the
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Speaker 3: closure that she needs as to why this has come
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Speaker 3: to an end for her. Absolutely, that's a cool way
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Speaker 3: to do it as well. And it is important to
3:46
Speaker 3: like have those checking moments as well, Yeah, because you
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Speaker 3: care about the person, right, so you're checking, hey, are
3:51
Speaker 3: we okay? Are we good?
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Speaker 2: Like is anything coming up for you? I feel like
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Speaker 2: you've leant out a little bit. I feel like maybe
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Speaker 2: there's not as much effort into this relationship and maybe
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Speaker 2: I've contributed to that as well, and I love to
4:01
Speaker 2: work on things. And then you can kind of see
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Speaker 2: where that person's at. Think bringing in conversation and opening
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Speaker 2: up how you're truly feeling will invite you vulnerability, and
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Speaker 2: then you can see, Okay, does this person have the
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Speaker 2: capacity to meet me on a vulnerable level or are
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Speaker 2: they No, Baby, it's all good, It's all fine, No,
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Speaker 2: but good, don't worry. What do you mean?
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Speaker 3: Like? Yeah, do you know what I mean?
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Speaker 2: So you'll be able to tell from their response where
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Speaker 2: they're at. Yeah, they're aut emotionally where they're at in
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Speaker 2: the friendship and.
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Speaker 3: Vice versa two. If you're reaching out to them asking
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Speaker 3: if they're okay, and they're avoiding you and avoiding the
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Speaker 3: hard conversation, there's a lot of answers and silence too. Yeah,
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Speaker 3: it's tough. What about relationships? Do you have clients that
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Speaker 3: come to you and A're like, oh my gosh, I
4:39
Speaker 3: need to get out of this relationship, but I just
4:40
Speaker 3: can't leave. I'm too scared to be myself. I'm too
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Speaker 3: scared financially. Teach what dold I do. Yeah, that's a
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Speaker 3: good one.
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Speaker 2: I think the first thing every single time when my
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Speaker 2: client comes to me and they're saying that they feel
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Speaker 2: rocky in their relationship, I ask them three questions. I say,
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Speaker 2: do you trust them? Are you in love with them?
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Speaker 2: And can you see yourself spending the rest of.
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Speaker 3: Your life with them? Or such a powerful question.
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Speaker 2: And if any of those are not a foo body fuck, yes, yeah,
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Speaker 2: you have something to look at. Aah, that's powerful, right.
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Speaker 2: Those are questions that I've asked myself in previous relationships
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Speaker 2: where I've been wishy washy or on the feesh sure, yeah,
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Speaker 2: where I've loved someone and haven't been in love with them.
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Speaker 2: But when I ask myself the hard questions, I'm like,
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Speaker 2: oh shit, I know exactly what I need to.
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Speaker 3: Do with your answers there, that's right.
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Speaker 2: And I've had clients who have come to me and
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Speaker 2: those answers have not been a full yes, and they've
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Speaker 2: been able to work through it. Trust can be rebuilt.
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Speaker 3: And with the communication you can work through different issues
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Speaker 3: or right, yeah.
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Speaker 2: But the other two I think, you know, you know,
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Speaker 2: oh yeah, you know if those answers are no, like, yeah,
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Speaker 2: are you really in the relationship you genuinely want to go.
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Speaker 3: Oh that's such a good question. Yeah, oh, thank you.
5:48
Speaker 3: That's awesome.
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Speaker 2: There's one more thing that I would add to that
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Speaker 2: in terms of like how to actually have that conversation
5:53
Speaker 2: if you do decide that you're kind of outgrowing somebody. Okay,
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Speaker 2: this is something that I've done before in the past
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Speaker 2: that's been quite uncomfortable, but sounds it kind of what
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Speaker 2: you need to do, you know, when you're at this place.
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Speaker 2: I think the biggest thing was when you bring it
6:07
Speaker 2: up to this person, is like acknowledging all of the
6:10
Speaker 2: time that you've spent together.
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Speaker 3: True role play. Oh oh stuff it so I'm your
6:15
Speaker 3: friend that you want to end like you don't want
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Speaker 3: to be friends with me?
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Speaker 2: That one in the bingo card.
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Speaker 3: No, it wasn't on a car. All right, you got this?
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Speaker 2: Hey baby, do you have the capacity to have a conversation?
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Speaker 2: It's really important to me.
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Speaker 3: Sure do bring it in.
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Speaker 2: Recently, I've been feeling we've been distancing from each other,
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Speaker 2: and I've noticed with time that we maybe aren't spending
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Speaker 2: enough time with each other. We're not as close, and
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Speaker 2: I feel like we're kind of going in different directions
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Speaker 2: in life, and it doesn't mean anything about who either
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Speaker 2: of us are. It just means that I feel like
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Speaker 2: we're kind of going off on different paths. And I
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Speaker 2: just wanted to say that I've loved every minute that
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Speaker 2: we've spent together and all of the memories and things
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Speaker 2: like that that we have. But I just feel right
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Speaker 2: now it feels true for me that this friendship feels
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Speaker 2: complete for me.
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Speaker 3: Oh wow, I mean best way said that so beautifully.
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Speaker 3: There's two such that can happen here. After that friend
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Speaker 3: has heard it, she's going to be like, oh my gosh,
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Speaker 3: I feel the same way. Like I love you, but
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Speaker 3: we're definitely disconnected. And I felt like that too. We
7:14
Speaker 3: haven't mean spenty much time together or keep following you,
7:16
Speaker 3: and I can't wait to see what you do. And
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Speaker 3: I hope we wump into each other one day, and
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Speaker 3: I'm so grateful for our memories and we will definitely
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Speaker 3: continue to love each other from afar And thank you
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Speaker 3: for the respect to come to me. I really loving
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Speaker 3: you for that. Bye bye. And then there's the other
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Speaker 3: situation where I'm guessing and more anxious personality and someone
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Speaker 3: who is maybe a little bit not aware and disconnected
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Speaker 3: with where the friendship's at, and she comes at you
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Speaker 3: with this, Oh, okay, so you're just gonna throw our friendship?
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Speaker 3: Are you freaking up with our friendship? Like you just
7:46
Speaker 3: don't want to hang out anymore? Is that just it?
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Speaker 3: You're just ending our friendship.
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Speaker 2: It's not that I want to throw away the friendship.
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Speaker 2: I love you and I love every time and moment
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Speaker 2: we've shared together. And it doesn't mean that me feeling
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Speaker 2: this way means anything about the past and the time
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Speaker 2: that we've spent together. It just means that right now
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Speaker 2: we're feeling like by going in separate ways, and I'm
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Speaker 2: feeling it's like becoming more challenging to connect with you
8:09
Speaker 2: on a deeper level at the moment. And it doesn't
8:12
Speaker 2: mean that we won't come back together as friends in
8:14
Speaker 2: the future. It just means, at least for me, it
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Speaker 2: feels true for me that in this season, right now,
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Speaker 2: this is where I'm at, and I respect you too
8:21
Speaker 2: much to not be anything but honest with you. And
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Speaker 2: it's because I love you that I'm having this conversation
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Speaker 2: with you. I got nothing.
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Speaker 3: I'm like, how can I fight back with that? I can't?
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Speaker 3: You know, if you would only hope that your friends
8:33
Speaker 3: could come to you with that much respect, honesty, calmness, love, truth. Yeah, Like,
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Speaker 3: I feel like truth is kind, right, honest, communication is
8:42
Speaker 3: kind and communication.
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Speaker 2: But you know what, it's really fucking hard to have
8:45
Speaker 2: those conversations.
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Speaker 3: It's so much easier in this environment, isn't it so much?
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Speaker 2: And you know what, I've actually had this conversation with
8:50
Speaker 2: a friend of mine down in Sydney, really and she
8:53
Speaker 2: was somebody that I loved so much and we were
8:56
Speaker 2: so so close, but she was in an abusive relationship
9:01
Speaker 2: and it was really hard. She was really like losing
9:05
Speaker 2: herself in it, and she was so sucked into it
9:08
Speaker 2: and he would bring it into our friendship. And at
9:11
Speaker 2: one point I had helped her so much with the relationship.
9:14
Speaker 2: I even helped her go multiple times pack up her house,
9:17
Speaker 2: pack all her things up, only for her to stay
9:19
Speaker 2: with him. I was just in a place in my
9:21
Speaker 2: life where like I didn't have the capacity for anybody
9:23
Speaker 2: else's stuff, you know. And I look back sometimes and
9:26
Speaker 2: I think, fuck, I wish I could have stayed and
9:27
Speaker 2: been there for her through that time. But at that
9:30
Speaker 2: point in my life I just remember saying to her, like, Babe, like,
9:33
Speaker 2: if you're going to stay with him, I can't hear
9:35
Speaker 2: you talk about how he's abusive and how he scares
9:38
Speaker 2: you and how he like stands over you and hits you,
9:40
Speaker 2: and like I was like, I love you, babe, but
9:42
Speaker 2: I just I can't hear it, and if you're going
9:44
Speaker 2: to stay with him. I was younger at this point
9:46
Speaker 2: as well, Yeah, because it was just taking over my life,
9:49
Speaker 2: because it was, you know, every single day she'd send
9:51
Speaker 2: me a voice message or call me or something like that.
9:53
Speaker 2: And anyway, it got to the point where I ended
9:57
Speaker 2: up just saying, hey, babe, I love you so much,
9:59
Speaker 2: and I fucking hate that I'm having this conversation with you,
10:02
Speaker 2: and I'm sorry that you're in this. You tell me
10:04
Speaker 2: every single all day that you want to leave, and
10:06
Speaker 2: you never do, and I just I hope one day
10:08
Speaker 2: that you decide to leave and that you choose yourself,
10:12
Speaker 2: but right now I need to take space from our friendship.
10:15
Speaker 2: It was really fucking hard, And I feel even guilty
10:17
Speaker 2: almost saying that, because I think anybody listening to that
10:20
Speaker 2: might even be like, well, she fucking needed you. Why
10:22
Speaker 2: would you leave her in her hardest time?
10:24
Speaker 3: You stayed for so long I did.
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Speaker 2: I stayed for a really long time, and it just
10:28
Speaker 2: was chewing at my life.
10:29
Speaker 3: And your mental health, and you have to look after
10:31
Speaker 3: your own mental health as well. Oh that's tough. When
10:35
Speaker 3: I was younger, I had a girl that was just
10:37
Speaker 3: requiring a lot from me and would get really upset
10:40
Speaker 3: if I didn't contact her every day and needed a
10:42
Speaker 3: lot of attention, very very anxious. And I wouldn't have
10:45
Speaker 3: known about the attachment styles, but I just felt quite suffocated.
10:49
Speaker 3: So I had to end that. And then I've had
10:51
Speaker 3: one friend kind of close off our friendship in a
10:54
Speaker 3: text message. I respected her for the way that she
10:57
Speaker 3: handed it, but I also didn't feel like I had
10:59
Speaker 3: much closure. Yeah, so that was hard. Yeah, that would
11:02
Speaker 3: have been had I was like mixed. I was like,
11:04
Speaker 3: I really respected that she did it in a way.
11:06
Speaker 3: I think for her that was all that she had
11:09
Speaker 3: the capacity for. I don't think she could. She's not
11:11
Speaker 3: a very not someone that can sit down and have
11:13
Speaker 3: hard conversations, so for her that would have been really hard,
11:15
Speaker 3: and I respect that she even did that. But yeah,
11:18
Speaker 3: I think the way you had that conversation before is
11:21
Speaker 3: just so beautiful, and I think if anyone wants to
11:23
Speaker 3: come to you like that, you would just respect them
11:26
Speaker 3: so much and be so thankful for the way that
11:28
Speaker 3: they've done that, rather than going bitching behind your back
11:31
Speaker 3: or being two faced, or just screening your calls, or
11:34
Speaker 3: like all of a sudden, cutting you off with no closure.
11:37
Speaker 3: I think that could be really tough. So I think
11:38
Speaker 3: the role modeling example that you gave was so beautiful.
11:42
Speaker 3: And I hope people listening to this take some of
11:44
Speaker 3: your language and words and tone and bring that into
11:46
Speaker 3: their dynamics, because we know that you're listening. If you're
11:49
Speaker 3: listening to this episode, it's probably because you're in a
11:52
Speaker 3: situation right now, or you need to cut someone off,
11:54
Speaker 3: or you're not feeling the lines anymore, or you're anxiously attached,
11:57
Speaker 3: or things just aren't feeling good and need to check
12:00
Speaker 3: in and have some of these hard conversations, or just
12:01
Speaker 3: start having stronger boundaries around who you allow in your
12:04
Speaker 3: space and which waiting to know with you. It's hard,
12:08
Speaker 3: it's really hard, And.
12:08
Speaker 2: You know what, I think the biggest thing is, like,
12:10
Speaker 2: respect is a big fucking thing for me that you
12:12
Speaker 2: know the right and I truly believe that just because
12:15
Speaker 2: somebody is no longer in our lives doesn't mean that
12:17
Speaker 2: we don't respect them. It's still the respect is still there.
12:20
Speaker 2: And the way that we start things we should also
12:23
Speaker 2: end them. And that way, you know, it doesn't matter
12:25
Speaker 2: what it is and how hard the conversation is, you
12:28
Speaker 2: respect that person so much more. Like I know, I've
12:32
Speaker 2: had that conversation a couple of times for different reasons,
12:34
Speaker 2: and every single person has been like, thank you so much,
12:38
Speaker 2: thank you for being honest with me so I can
12:40
Speaker 2: work on this, or thank you so much for respecting
12:42
Speaker 2: me enough to have the honest conversation with me, because
12:45
Speaker 2: I just want you to know that I love you still.
12:47
Speaker 3: Yeah.
12:47
Speaker 2: And then the next part is that I've also been
12:49
Speaker 2: on the other end of that where somebody has had
12:52
Speaker 2: that hard conversation with me and stop being friends with me,
12:55
Speaker 2: and I've been like, thank you so much for being
12:56
Speaker 2: honest with me. I would love to know in that
12:59
Speaker 2: friendship who ended your friendship over the text message? Is
13:03
Speaker 2: there something that you wish like a different way that
13:06
Speaker 2: that could have gone so much? So? Yeah, on the
13:09
Speaker 2: receiving end of that, for anyone listening who might be
13:13
Speaker 2: behaving that way, how would you have liked that person
13:16
Speaker 2: to handle things.
13:17
Speaker 3: To have a conversation. Yeah, I felt like it was
13:19
Speaker 3: almost a bit avoidant. And when you've had a long
13:23
Speaker 3: standing friendship with someone and you've been through so much together.
13:26
Speaker 3: For me, my expectations, which I'm well aware of my
13:29
Speaker 3: expectations and how I would show up as I have
13:32
Speaker 3: the respect that you're just talking about. I had the
13:34
Speaker 3: respect to have a conversation with them, and if other
13:37
Speaker 3: things have come up to end the friendship, I think
13:40
Speaker 3: they are deserving of knowing what that is. Even if
13:44
Speaker 3: you've made your mind up, I think everyone should be
13:46
Speaker 3: given the opportunity to hear it and be able to
13:49
Speaker 3: take responsibility, apologize, Yeah, have the discussion around it, even
13:53
Speaker 3: if you still want to separate and go your own ways.
13:56
Speaker 3: But just cutting it like that, even if it was
13:58
Speaker 3: done with love, it just doesn't feel respectful and enough
14:02
Speaker 3: for me. I would have liked a little bit more,
14:05
Speaker 3: and it's kind of left me feeling like there wasn't
14:07
Speaker 3: as much closure. And even in that sense, if someone
14:10
Speaker 3: wanted to end a friendship with me like that, I
14:12
Speaker 3: would love to just give them a hug bye, you know,
14:15
Speaker 3: because I still love on all of my friends, even
14:17
Speaker 3: the ones that I've had breakdowns with. I still have
14:19
Speaker 3: so much love for them and respect for them and
14:23
Speaker 3: want the best for them. I wish things could be
14:25
Speaker 3: different sometimes, just to give the person who's in that
14:28
Speaker 3: position maybe a little bit of context of the other
14:30
Speaker 3: person on the other side. What do you think that
14:33
Speaker 3: would have given you if you.
14:34
Speaker 2: Were to receive that, Like, if they had behaved in
14:38
Speaker 2: the way that you needed, what do you think that
14:39
Speaker 2: they would have left you with?
14:41
Speaker 3: Closure? Yeah, acceptance and love for us as individuals and
14:47
Speaker 3: for our friendship on what it once was, whereas I
14:50
Speaker 3: feel like it's just kind of been left an open
14:52
Speaker 3: wound and there's questions. So I think not having closure
14:56
Speaker 3: for me is really hard