Latest / She Rises with Ashy & Tijana / 226. Am I done? OR just scared? The question no one talks about 🥺❤️‍🩹

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226. Am I done? OR just scared? The question no one talks about 🥺❤️‍🩹 · She Rises with Ashy & Tijana

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Apolgie production an easier advice. Are you okay what happened?
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: Promise it won't be too much. Bring it in. Welcome
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: to our Bestie segment. This is the place for you.
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: Welcome back to our best the Advice segment. It's our
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: almost our favorite part of the week. Well, I think
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: every day we post is our favorite time of the work.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: I day, I love it all. It's so good.
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: Honestly, this is a safe space for you to come
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: to when you feel like you have nowhere else to
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  Speaker 2: lean on. And we know all too well what that
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  Speaker 2: feels like to not really have anyone to go to,
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: or you know, have somebody who's going to be willing
• 0:46
  Speaker 2: to tell you the hard truths but delivered softly. And
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: that's exactly what this space is all about. So Ashley,
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: what have we got to take it away for us?
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: All right? So the episode title name is am I
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: done or just scared? The question no one talks about.
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: So mamas that have had kids, this is for you, Hi, girls,
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: I just wanted some advice on how to know if
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  Speaker 1: you're done having kids. I'm a mom to two beautiful girls.
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  Speaker 1: We had our girls close together, so they are seventeen
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: months apart, and my start to motherhood was very difficult.
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  Speaker 1: We didn't have any help, my husband worked a lot
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  Speaker 1: as a sole provider, and I went through p and
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  Speaker 1: D so post natal depression. Four years later and life
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  Speaker 1: definitely feels lighter and not so dark. My oldest child
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  Speaker 1: started prep this year, so my husband has brought up
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  Speaker 1: the idea of having another child. When we first met,
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  Speaker 1: I told him I wanted four kids, but after the
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  Speaker 1: second child, I said I was done. I've never entertained
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: the idea of a third child until recently, but after
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  Speaker 1: speaking with family, everyone reminds me of how much I
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: struggled and how chaotic life is, so why would I
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: put myself under more pressure, which are really valid points.
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  Speaker 1: A part of me wants to experience pregnancy in birth
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: again during a time that's not COVID. I feel like
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  Speaker 1: I was robbed with a normal experience because of COVID.
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  Speaker 2: So valid.
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  Speaker 1: My husband would love us to expand our family, and
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  Speaker 1: it's very supportive. We did seek marriage counseling after the
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  Speaker 1: second child was born, but have since come out stronger.
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  Speaker 1: I'm just scared on how ill managed three kids? How
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  Speaker 1: do I go back to work when Materni leaves over.
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  Speaker 1: How do I give my current kids the time they need?
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  Speaker 1: I guess a lot of it is really unknown, But
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  Speaker 1: I also don't want to wake up one day and
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  Speaker 1: think I should have had another any advice I'm figuring
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  Speaker 1: out if you should or shouldn't have more kids, or
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  Speaker 1: if I'm just truly done. I am content in my
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: life at the moment. I don't feel like anything is missing,
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  Speaker 1: but I also feel like this next year is the
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  Speaker 1: time to decide if we will or won't have another child.
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  Speaker 1: As I'm thirty two years old, any advice or direction
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  Speaker 1: is welcome. Firstly, thirty two, you're still young. I wouldn't
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  Speaker 1: be stressing. I don't know if I was in your
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  Speaker 1: situation where I was on the fence or not sure,
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  Speaker 1: I would give it more time. I wouldn't make a
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  Speaker 1: decision now. I don't think you need to make a
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  Speaker 1: decision now. I had Tala when I was just holding
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  Speaker 1: thirty five. I think if you were getting forty, forty five, fifty,
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  Speaker 1: maybe time to stop. But thirty two you still got
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  Speaker 1: a couple of years obviously where you're still considered young
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: and in the I even hate same timeline or when
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: we should have kids because everyone's different. I know plenty
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  Speaker 1: of women that have kids at thirty eight, forty and
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  Speaker 1: it's been completely fine. Yeah, but if you're not quite sure,
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  Speaker 1: give the more time or not more way out the
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  Speaker 1: pros and cons. But I don't know. My intuition when
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  Speaker 1: I read that is do you want another baby? Because
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  Speaker 1: I knew after Tala I was done, I one hundred
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  Speaker 1: percent knew I felt so complete, like nothing was missing.
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: I still feel so content. But if you're unsure, I
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: feel that Nigga's not going to go away. But it's
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: also like, what do you value I've had girlfriends in
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  Speaker 1: this position, and you know, I've got friends that really
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  Speaker 1: value travel. So the kids are a bit older now,
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  Speaker 1: they're like, oh my gosh, you want to travel the world.
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  Speaker 1: And that's how we feel.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: Now Tyler is going to be turning four this year.
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  Speaker 1: We always said once she turns four, we're start doing
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  Speaker 1: a lot more bigger trips with her because traveling with
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: three or two year old is not fun. So I'm
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  Speaker 1: going to cop paid for that. But that's for us.
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  Speaker 1: So if you don't value travel and you want to
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  Speaker 1: be at home with your babies more, then I feel
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  Speaker 1: like that works. So if you're someone who values traveling,
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  Speaker 1: then maybe not so much. Yeah, I don't know, that's
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  Speaker 1: my opinion.
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  Speaker 2: I think it's hard for me to comment on this
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  Speaker 2: because I haven't had children, so I don't also understand
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  Speaker 2: what that actually feels like. But just from like a
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  Speaker 2: confusion standpoint and from like a headspace, I'm like, if
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  Speaker 2: you don't feel ready to make that decision, you don't
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  Speaker 2: have to. No, Like I really think that, like give
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: yourself time to like work that out, and like, I
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  Speaker 2: know that similar to what you said, but that's kind
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  Speaker 2: of what I would think about, is like, Okay, don't
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  Speaker 2: make an irrational decision on something that you feel confused about,
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  Speaker 2: Like give yourself permission to really dig and feel into
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  Speaker 2: that if it actually feels good for you. You know,
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  Speaker 2: just because you struggled before doesn't necessarily mean that you
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  Speaker 2: would struggle like that again. So I think, like, maybe,
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  Speaker 2: and again, take this with the green of salt because
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  Speaker 2: this might not mean much, but don't allow your previous
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  Speaker 2: experience to impact your potential future experience because it could
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  Speaker 2: be something that's really beautiful and you have a totally
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  Speaker 2: different experience. You just never know. I imagine what you're
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  Speaker 2: going to get when it comes to that. But yeah,
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  Speaker 2: I just don't think it's something that you need to
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  Speaker 2: decide on right now.
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  Speaker 1: And to add to that, that's that was my experience.
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  Speaker 1: If I was like, why'd you have such a big
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: age gap, Like because I was fucking traumatized. Pregnancy was
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: really easy with Taj, but birth and postpartum that first
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: year was one of the hardest years on my body,
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: my mental health, our relationship. I was like, fuck doing
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  Speaker 1: that again. I was not ready for a very long time.
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  Speaker 1: But then Tyler was a breeze. Like pregnancy was pretty good,
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  Speaker 1: labor was beautiful, she was a great baby. She stepped
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: through from four months old. Steve and I just enjoyed
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: every moment. We've enjoyed every moment with her. It's such
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: a different experience, to the point where I was like,
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: maybe I do want a third or if we were younger,
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: I would have gone for a third. Yeah. I always
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: said I only wanted two kids, but she was such
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  Speaker 1: a breeze, and I was like, if we were younger,
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  Speaker 1: maybe we would do another thing, likes go a third.
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  Speaker 1: So definitely, I love what you said about not anticipating
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  Speaker 1: that it's going to be an awful experience, and also
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: on the worried about not giving the older to the
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  Speaker 1: attention that they get. Now that's really really valid, and
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: I'll be real with you, I do find that hard.
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  Speaker 1: Since Tyler's came along, Taj obviously had nearly six years
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  Speaker 1: by himself, so it's been quite adjustment. And even now
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: he still will make comments like, oh, Tyler gets so
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  Speaker 1: much attention, and I'm like, yeah, you're right, She's so
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: much louder, and she just takes all the attention.
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: She takes spaces she's afraid of it.
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  Speaker 1: No, he's she's very extroverted, literally runs around nude Dancing's
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  Speaker 1: big personality, cheeky, very interactive, very cuddly, playful. He's more quiet,
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  Speaker 1: he's more reserved. He's not a big, like look at me,
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: look at me kind of guy. So naturally she does
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  Speaker 1: get more attention. I think that's something we've had to
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: be super conscious of and make sure we both get
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  Speaker 1: one on one time with him and just make sure
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  Speaker 1: try our best to make sure he's getting another attention.
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  Speaker 1: And that is hard, but also it's like you just
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  Speaker 1: do the best you can, and I bet your kid's
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  Speaker 1: going to be a lot more adaptable than what you think.
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  Speaker 1: And the beautiful thing is if they're at school, you
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  Speaker 1: get this really beautiful time with your newborn at home,
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  Speaker 1: so you've got that time with them. And then I
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: find when Taje gets home, I really try and do
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: things with him like out the front, kick footy and
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: on the weekends do something he wants to do. So
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  Speaker 1: he still feels like he gets that quality time as well.
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  Speaker 1: So I wouldn't worry about the older two as much.
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  Speaker 1: But at thirty two, I would just I would give
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  Speaker 1: it another good year, another whole year. Only thirty two,
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  Speaker 1: that's still so young. Give another year, see how you feel,
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  Speaker 1: And I think, listen to the intuition. I think at
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  Speaker 1: that niggle, if it doesn't go away, I would go
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  Speaker 1: for a third. Yeah, yeah, I don't think you ever
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  Speaker 1: have a kid and go oh I wish I never
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  Speaker 1: had them. You're like, oh my god, what was life
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  Speaker 1: before you?
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: I couldn't imagine my life without you? How did I?
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: If I think this is going to be a bad idea,
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  Speaker 1: like you'll love that little baby that's so beautiful. Yeah
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  Speaker 1: it's true though, yeah, yeah, And when you're older, that's
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: all you live for like you ask grandparents. They don't
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: care aboutw much money they go on in the bank.
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: They don't care of the size of the house, and
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: so they don't care about their achievements. They care about
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: like you coming to visit them.
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: They're bringing snacks to all the grand kid.
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: They just want to hang and feed on a family
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: because they've got to that point in their life where
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: like nothing else matters. The Christmas is, the East is,
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: the birthdays are just having family around, like that's all
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  Speaker 1: that matters.
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: That's such a good point.
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  Speaker 1: Why does it take us to get to that older
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: age group to realize that that's all that matters. So
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: I don't think you'd ever regret having the third And
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: to hear enthusiastic and support of your husband is too,
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: Like if he wasn't on board, I think it would
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: change things a little bit. Yeah, but the fact he's
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: so supportive and wanting this as well. Guys make a
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: great team and that's beautiful. I hope that helps. Thanks
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: joining us, We guys, We'll see you on Monday.
• 8:03
  Speaker 2: Bye bye, woh