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Best Ways to Understand Your Reoccuring Regret and Shame · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

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  SPEAKER_00: Today's episode is produced by my friends at Walk West.
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  SPEAKER_00: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
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  SPEAKER_00: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: Rise up, live joy your way.
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  SPEAKER_01: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
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  SPEAKER_01: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
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  SPEAKER_00: Whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening, thank you for taking some time out of your day to spend here with me.
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  SPEAKER_00: And today I want to talk about regret and shame.
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  SPEAKER_00: I want to talk about the difference between the two and how they affect us, but also just a small note that uh shame is something that seems to come up a lot.
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  SPEAKER_00: However, a lot of us don't even know that it's shame.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know, for instance, I know that I've been talking to clients recently and certain things regarding um, like for instance, not wanting to comment on somebody's post on Facebook or put their own post out there about what's happening in their life.
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  SPEAKER_00: That's a that is a form of internalized shame.
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  SPEAKER_00: So I do think that this is a really important topic to just really start talking about how we as individuals might experience shame and how that can hold us back.
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  SPEAKER_00: But let's just sort of dive into the idea around regret and shame and what the difference is.
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  SPEAKER_00: First of all, let's just the human experience is going to take us down a road of having moments where we experience regret, having moments where we experience shame.
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  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of times we will associate these two feelings, but they're not the same.
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  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's important to understand that there is a difference between the two.
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  SPEAKER_00: And it's also important to just understand how they can affect us.
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  SPEAKER_00: So understanding regret.
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  SPEAKER_00: Regret is powerful, of course.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's an emotion that occurs when we feel disappointment, we might have moments of self-blame, there might be some grief over missed opportunities, some grief or frustration around decisions or behaviors we've made.
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  SPEAKER_00: We experience grief when there is something that we've done or we've failed to do, and we realize that the choice we made may not have led to an outcome that we wanted, or it may have led to us not hitting the goal that we set for ourselves.
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  SPEAKER_00: So we might experience, as an example, regret for not spending more time with a parent, an aging parent, and then they're no longer with us, there might be some regret there.
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  SPEAKER_00: Uh, there might be some regret around maybe not uh not staying in school longer, um, and then regret over that decision for some people.
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  SPEAKER_00: Not all people have that.
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  SPEAKER_00: However, it's important to recognize that um with regret, it's usually a feeling that comes up from a result that we uh are not happy with, and we experience regret for a variety of reasons.
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  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's missed opportunities, sometimes it can be decisions that create um more challenges that we didn't ex we didn't expect.
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  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes there's regret over behaviors that go against one's morals or values.
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  SPEAKER_00: Um sometimes we feel regret when there are decisions that we've made that um, you know, we we realize weren't in our best interest.
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  SPEAKER_00: This can happen in relationships, that can this can happen in jobs.
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  SPEAKER_00: Um, and oftentimes the regret will show up because we realize that we haven't achieved something that we've wanted.
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  SPEAKER_00: Now, shame on the other hand is a deep, deep rooted sense of unworthiness or inferiority.
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  SPEAKER_00: Like there is something wrong with me.
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  SPEAKER_00: And we experience shame when we have when there is this um when we detect that our own personal values are not really being held and met.
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  SPEAKER_00: We can ex we experience shame when we believe that there's something fundamentally wrong with ourselves.
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  SPEAKER_00: We feel unworthy or embarrassed.
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  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so shame will frequently shame will frequently uh be tracked back to maybe some early experiences from when we were younger, but it can also be tracked to just experiences we have throughout our life.
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  SPEAKER_00: And it gradually undermines our own self-esteem.
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  SPEAKER_00: It it creates limiting beliefs about self, it creates persistent self-criticism, and it really does lead to uh mental and emotional uh burnout at the by the end of it because we're feeling when you feel this deep sense of there's something wrong with me, that's gonna take take a toll on you.
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  SPEAKER_00: So regret represents a sense of disappointment or sorrow over something specific versus shame, on the other hand, is this real deep sense of unworthiness and disgrace about oneself, almost like there's something wrong with me.
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  SPEAKER_00: Um now, again, everyone can feel these at certain points in their life because the human experience is about having some challenges.
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  SPEAKER_00: You know, I I've been talking to clients recently a lot about just the human experience is gonna involve pain.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's suffering that's the choice, right?
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  SPEAKER_00: We don't have to stay in suffering.
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  SPEAKER_00: Regret can motivate us sometimes to move, to move or change, meaning if we notice that we're regretful about something, we can then step into self-compassion and we can say, okay, what did I learn from this?
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  SPEAKER_00: And how do I want to move forward?
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  SPEAKER_00: When we are feeling shameful about something, it's the process of unshaming is we actually have to slow down and we have to witness the shame.
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  SPEAKER_00: We have to witness what's being said because what happens with shame is it goes unwitnessed.
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  SPEAKER_00: And that witnessing then allows us to start moving through it because shame will lead to that negative self-perception.
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  SPEAKER_00: So we've got to break that down.
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  SPEAKER_00: So whereas regret tends to be, I'm noticing this decision didn't work out, I'm I'm not really loving it, what did I learn?
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  SPEAKER_00: We can do that a little bit easier than dealing through the unshaming process.
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  SPEAKER_00: And when we're dealing with either of those, it's important to give ourselves permission to say, How can I learn from this?
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  SPEAKER_00: How can I grow from this?
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  SPEAKER_00: What can I take away from this situation?
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  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes people will say that shame is helpful and regret is helpful.
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  SPEAKER_00: I truly don't necessarily believe in this idea that shaming ourselves into action is necessarily the way to go.
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  SPEAKER_00: Because when we actually instead say to ourselves, I'm feeling I'm shaming myself or witnessing it, we can come at it from a different perspective.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's important to recognize that if we don't take the time to notice what's happening for us, though, we can stay in suffering.
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  SPEAKER_00: And that's what I meant by there's there can be pain and then there's suffering.
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  SPEAKER_00: As humans, we're going to experience pain, but we don't have to stay there.
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  SPEAKER_00: The choice to say stay there, that's when the suffering happens.
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  SPEAKER_00: So when we're when we're needing to work through shame, it is important to have a support system and or to work with somebody who can help you navigate through that.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I I let me just back up for a quick second.
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  SPEAKER_00: In terms of this idea that these emotions can be helpful, I routinely will say to people that our emotions are data packets.
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  SPEAKER_00: They're information being brought to us in the form of an emotion.
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  SPEAKER_00: However, continuing to shame yourself is not helpful.
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  SPEAKER_00: It's very important to recognize what's happening, to name it, and then to dive into it with more curiosity and to work through it rather than staying in it.
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  SPEAKER_00: So there's that distinction there.
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  SPEAKER_00: If you'd like to talk about maybe how shame could be holding you back andor regrets, and you want to understand how coaching could potentially be helpful to move you forward, by all means feel free to reach out to me at any time at coachwithcomedy.com.
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  SPEAKER_00: And until next time, stay well.
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  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
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  SPEAKER_01: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
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  SPEAKER_01: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
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  SPEAKER_01: Username it's authentic me.
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  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening.