Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Do You Deserve A Happy Marriage?

Transcript

Do You Deserve A Happy Marriage? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi, everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show, today, I'm going to talk about whether you
• 0:11
  deserve a happy marriage and, of course, intellectually people.
• 0:15
  Understand the answer is yes, but if you grew up in an unhappy
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  home, as we will discuss, it may seem like, you don't really
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  deserve that or really to be happy at all.
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  And we will discuss how this belief system originates and how
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  it may be currently keeping you in a very dysfunctional
• 0:32
  situation. But first, I must tell you To
• 0:35
  subscribe my most recent subscriber episode was on how
• 0:39
  often how and why couples should have closed connected
• 0:43
  conversations. So that's the frequency of a
• 0:46
  different sort of connection rather than the constant talking
• 0:50
  about sexual frequency. So anyway do you deserve a happy
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  marriage? Well like yeah, everybody thinks
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  that in theory people deserve to be happy.
• 1:00
  Some people kind of don't think that you know, and and the
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  reason that they wouldn't is Was their homes were even worse than
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  the ones that I will describe. But you know, most people do
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  think people in general deserve to be happy but maybe not that,
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  you know, because they uniquely are not really that great of a
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  catch and they really don't have much value.
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  So in their unique situation, despite thinking that everybody
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  else probably deserves to be happy, we often including their
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  spouse. Certainly their kids.
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  They think that they do not deserve to be happy.
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  So what kind of home is this person raised?
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  In that would make them think like this it was a home where,
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  you know, nobody was happy. Like I mean you don't have to
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  look very far if nobody is happy if you grew up in a depressive
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  home where people really think that life is just to be suffered
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  through whether there's religious martyrdom or anxious.
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  And depressed martyrdom, there's martyrdom of some sort.
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  Somebody's a martyr usually, both parents feel that you have
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  to suffer through life and either they believe there's an
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  afterlife where this gets fixed or not You know, but it doesn't
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  matter because obligation and Duty are really the, you know,
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  Keystone's of this way of thinking, and this value system
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  is internalized by the child. And they think, and they often
• 2:22
  become a Workhorse in some way, and they think that basically
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  life is to be suffered through and if anything you're supposed
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  to make your kids happy because some of these kids, the ones in
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  the better quote unquote, a more functional families, at least
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  the parents It's love that. The parents seem Miserable as
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  should but at least the parents love them and sometimes at least
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  try to make them happy. So they remember like we went on
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  a vacation or my dad brought me home a new baseball glove or my
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  mom did sign me up for dance lessons when I like to dance,
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  dance class, whatever. So, they have some moments,
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  where they remember somebody did.
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  Try to be nice to them. Now, there's other people who
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  nobody tried to be nice to them either, so, the adults were
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  miserable but they were also a Angry, abusive, and or
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  neglectful of the children. So then when those children grow
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  up into adults, they actually don't really believe anybody
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  deserves to be happy. They kind of just think that
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  people are shit. And you got to take what you can
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  get in this world and nobody's really happy.
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  And they're very, very paranoid and they frequently have fearful
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  avoidant attachment. So, you should listen to my
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  podcast on that which comes from being raised in an abusive
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  childhood or neglect, you know, and that's when you really don't
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  believe that anybody. He will ever be there for you
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  and you better reject them before they reject you.
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  It's frequently goes along with borderline personality other
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  personality disorders, Etc. So, but most people are not in
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  that regard, most people that deal with this low self-esteem,
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  low self-worth, thinking that they don't deserve to be happy
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  were raised in the former kinds of home where the parents were
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  just miserable. It was obvious.
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  The parents really kind of were not happy in their own marriages
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  but they would never leave. Because they, you know, view
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  life as something to be gotten through and something difficult,
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  and something kind of joyless and you should read the book.
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  I just read the book. So I recommend anything that I
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  read that, I really like that has any psychological bearing,
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  but Stoner by John Edwin Edward Williams is classic that I
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  didn't know about until I read it and was written in the 60s.
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  But this guy exemplifies, the Workhorse.
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  Personality type and you could read you really like it if you
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  like my stuff. So I mean nothing now that I
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  have it. Anyway like a literary things
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  like Anna, an author of all the classic.
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  I'm just saying if you like thinking about psychology,
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  that's the overlap. Then you would like the
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  psychological aspect of this novel, which is obviously, far
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  superior to the post that dr. Psych mom.com.
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  So, in no way was I am equating my work, but Anyway, the point
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  is that, if you grow up in a joyless home, it's very hard to
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  find Joy or to think that you deserve Joy.
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  So it's also hard to think of yourself as somebody who is
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  really one of those lucky people that likes, you know, their wife
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  or their husband, or that gets to have sex or whatever.
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  Because you've always felt as adult children of dysfunctional
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  families. Do that you're on the outside.
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  Looking in that, like everybody else, you feel it has hacked
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  enjoy. Enjoying life, like they're all
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  able to do it. But somehow for you, like, maybe
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  you're just not like smart enough or you're not like
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  Charming enough or something isn't working for you such that
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  you're not able to, even attract good things.
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  You don't consider yourself. A lucky person, this often this
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  self concept goes along with being a late bloomer, as I have
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  spoken about and other podcasts and post being a late bloomer
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  thinking that you have a low amount of sexual.
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  Koreans that that is something that is very hard for many men.
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  Especially so the point is here that a lot of people and it's
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  men and women. So it's not just like men you
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  know that suffer with this and they don't think they deserve to
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  have sex. It's women who don't deserve the
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  think that they deserve to have any sort of nice romantic life.
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  So these are the women that I write the posts and make the
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  podcast for entitled why men never take care of you.
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  Why men never take care of you is because you don't think you
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  deserve it. It.
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  So then you're attracted to men that don't because that makes
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  sense. It makes sense when you have to
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  do all this shit for the guy but doesn't make sense that they
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  would ever do anything for you. So then you are drawn to guys
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  with whom you feel useful and you can feel useful by doing all
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  of their life activities, and scheduling their appointments,
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  and cleaning their house. And then sometimes later in
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  life, hopefully these women gain some more self-esteem and they
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  become unhappy with this same setup, but really it's not the
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  guy's fault, he was kind of useless before, you know and so
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  You got in because you could come in and help because you
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  thought that was your only value.
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  So this goes back to my podcast, kind of like, don't blame your
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  partner for being who you picked when you had lower self-esteem.
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  But anyway, why would you deserve a happy marriage?
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  Well, why the fuck not, no matter who you are listening to
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  this? I will tell you this, if you
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  have low self-esteem, now, if you yourself how you look how
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  you act your IQ, your earning power, whatever your dick size,
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  your bra size, Sighs whatever whoever you are.
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  Had you been raised in a happier home with more joy and love and
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  positive remarks flowing around. You would like yourself better.
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  It has nothing to do with the story that you've been telling
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  yourself that it's because, you know, you don't look a certain
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  way or you don't act a certain way, or you're not that
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  interesting, or you're not that funny or you're not that,
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  whatever it isn't that it's that you were raised in a home where
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  you Learn that you were good. Nobody really told you that many
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  good things about yourself and you didn't more importantly, you
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  did not see any adults with any healthy self-esteem, you know.
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  So sometimes you saw a narcissistic parent but that
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  person Shadow all over you. So you know, ended up worse and
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  narcissist don't have high self-esteem like that is that
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  they don't have healthy self-esteem.
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  They have a warped view of themselves versus other people
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  and they're always shitting on other people.
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  Anyway. So the point is had you been
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  raised in one of those homes. With that really do exist.
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  That's kind of like a family, sitcom like family ties or
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  something is always my example. Those homes really do exist, not
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  perfect. You know, but they're more like
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  that than not. There are people who look at
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  families on TV and they're like, all those kind of like, my
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  family really? Like there are people like that
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  they don't end up in therapy. Not for, as long at least, you
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  know, but the point is, had you been racing one of those homes.
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  You would look the same, you would act the same as well, you
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  wouldn't act the same, you would have some more confidence.
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  It's truly, but you would act mostly the same and you would
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  think that you were pretty pretty great, you know, and that
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  you deserve to be in a happy relationship.
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  So when you really are raised to think that life is full of kind
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  of suffering and obligation and burden, then you just assume
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  that that's how your marriage is going to go.
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  But had you seen a happier marriage growing up, you know,
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  and listening to this, this can be your motivation to work on
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  your own marriage. Such that your children have a
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  different sort of Template and they actually can see a happy
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  marriage and then be able to automatically get into one as
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  their bottom attic. Default, unlike you, you know,
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  could break that cycle. But the point is, had you seen a
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  happier marriage, then you would assume of course that you should
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  be in a loving marriage, where people touch each other and do
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  nice things for each other and smile at each other.
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  But since you didn't see that, then you think that this is what
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  you deserve that, maybe some other better looking more
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  Charming, people lucky or people get into those kind of marriages
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  and that's who Is that but that's not true.
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  Everybody deserves to be happy. Who doesn't deserve to be happy
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  though. Like I mean everything.
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  Everything has you know everything has area of Grey
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  nothing's black and white. If you are a tremendous asshole,
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  you know, then you don't deserve to be in a happy marriage,
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  right? I mean you don't because you're
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  not being very nice. So some people that is their
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  coping mechanism with being mad at the world after being raised
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  in a dysfunctional family and they are depressed.
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  They were raised by Oppressed people, Etc, and their
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  depression manifest as being angry and kind of paranoid about
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  other people getting more than they have.
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  And and just kind of overall being a dick.
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  And this is man or woman. Well those people don't really
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  deserve to be in a happy marriage.
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  So if you struggle with anger issues, and you struggle with
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  jealousy, of others, and feeling and saying that other people get
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  things that you don't and such done.
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  Pleasure in your current marital Dynamic that you take it out on
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  your spouse. Such as, for example, your wife
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  doesn't sleep with you and you berate her over it and you
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  constantly tell her, she's terrible and frigid and all
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  these things. Well, then like, you don't
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  deserve to be in a happy marriage on a core level you do
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  and I'm sure you have a good heart but you are defense
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  mechanisms are stopping you. From being somebody I would ever
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  attract a healthy relationship so couples counseling would not
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  be Commended individual counseling would be recommended
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  in such a situation. When you if you saw a video tape
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  of how you talk to your spouse and you would be a shame to see
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  anybody see it because you're so mean or snarky or angry or
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  defensive then you would need to work on yourself individually
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  because what you're doing it's a self-fulfilling prophecy on a
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  core level. Your self-esteem is so low, you
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  telling yourself, you don't deserve to be in a happy
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  marriage so you're making Yourself somebody that doesn't
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  that doesn't deserve to be in a happy marriage because you're
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  not very nice. And if that is the case, then
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  you know what, if this makes you uncomfortable to listen to then
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  maybe think about it and go to therapy about it, right?
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  I mean there's me there's people that work for me and there I
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  mean this is a fucking popular occupation doubt really exploded
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  recently. So you know, if you don't want
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  me or one of my people at best life, there are other therapists
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  as well. And this is something for you to
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  be working on because then you really are.
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  As I said, this is Like you have created a prophecy and you are
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  now. You are now embodying.
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  Somebody who does not deserve to be in a happy marriage because
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  you don't think it's possible. Anyway, so kind of why not be a
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  dick but it is possible. I don't know if it's possible
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  with your current spouse but it's possible, you know, for
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  everybody to turn into the sort of person by which, I mean only
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  a kind person and a generous person, you don't have to be a
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  supermodel. You don't have to be a
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  bodybuilder. You don't have to be a In are
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  any kind person that genuinely wants to connect with others can
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  be in a happy relationship and deserves to be in one.
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  So, you know, and no matter what age, no matter anything.
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  And the people who think that men are only looking for
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  supermodels or women were only looking for millionaires.
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  I have podcasts for both of those topics individually and
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  it's just not true, you know? I mean, I work with people all
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  the time sometimes people are like, oh yeah, but you're only
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  working with the titties, you know, people that you you, you
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  do podcast about the CEOs of doctors lawyers, I worked
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  listen, starting in 2009, accepting Insurance in a group
• 13:43
  practice, like everybody starts out and before that, I was an
• 13:46
  intern at the VA I've worked and before that I was a grad
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  student, you know who comes to see grad students, certainly
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  people that cannot afford to not see grad students, it is
• 13:56
  basically pro bono, there's like a moderate fee to get your
• 14:00
  therapy at a training Clinic, which is why I recommend this
• 14:02
  all the time for people who are struggling financially by the A,
• 14:05
  this is a PSA find a university training clinic, near you that
• 14:09
  trains phd-level psychologists because they got a train on
• 14:13
  people like, you know. So they're under supervision but
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  they're very enthusiastic, you know, and they are smart.
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  So if you cannot afford even insurance covered therapy, then
• 14:24
  you should look for a university.
• 14:25
  Training clinic near you. Again, a university that has a
• 14:28
  Ph.D program in Clinical Psychology or ass ID program,
• 14:32
  Psy space d program in clinical, All psychology.
• 14:35
  That's a doctor of psychology, a different degree.
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  You also get called doctor at the end.
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  I'm a PhD. So either of those and I don't
• 14:43
  know much about the lpc's and the LCS W's except that they got
• 14:47
  a train to. So, look up that to look up
• 14:50
  those programs near you and call and say, do you have free /
• 14:54
  low-cost options at your training, clinic for therapy or
• 14:59
  or evaluations? That's how we learn to evaluate
• 15:01
  for ADHD etcetera. Do neuro, psych evals, and, and
• 15:04
  whatever. So the point is, I mean,
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  hopefully that was useful PSA for at least one human being
• 15:09
  listening. Otherwise it was a waste of
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  time, but the point being right, that I do have experience with
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  people that are not the CEOs and the doctors and lawyers that I
• 15:21
  talked about and all of them if they're nice people find people
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  to date what they do with those people and whether those
• 15:31
  relationships turn into something, you know, remains to
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  be seen Based on whether they've learned different ways of
• 15:37
  interacting than what they observe grown-up.
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  But people have a lot of possibilities, particularly in
• 15:43
  this age of dating apps, but they did even before that, when
• 15:47
  I was working early in my career, if somebody is a nice
• 15:51
  person that genuinely wants to connect with somebody else
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  invariably no matter what, their objective net worth or ability
• 16:00
  to get onto a magazine cover is they find people the people All
• 16:05
  that do not end up. Finding people are truly people
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  who are not admitting to themselves, that they are
• 16:11
  ambivalent about relationships and I have a guard up, people
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  who do have a guard up, do not get into relationships because
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  people can sniff ambivalence or coldness a mile away.
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  But almost every really, every person I've really ever worked
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  with I'm trying to think of examples that aren't And I
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  can't, I cannot think of examples of people who were
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  genuinely trying to get involved in relationships and had looked
• 16:38
  at themselves and we're trying wholeheartedly to put themselves
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  out there and to engage in a functional like, you know,
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  mutually supportive, happy relationship with somebody who
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  could not find anybody to date at all.
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  So, I hate when people say they can't find people because then
• 16:56
  it means that they end up lonely and nobody deserves to be
• 16:58
  lonely. Unless of course, they do
• 17:00
  because they are, right. A huge raging asshole of either
• 17:03
  gender and in that case they should go to therapy so you know
• 17:06
  all comes full circle. So my point is the tldr the
• 17:11
  takeaway here which this was wide-ranging.
• 17:14
  Is that if you think you don't deserve Joy it's because your
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  parents acted joyless and mostly they acted joyless themselves.
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  Some people were overly mean to you and specific which means
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  you're going to have even worse. Thoughts about relationships and
• 17:29
  you're gonna have even deeper trust issues.
• 17:31
  All This can be helped a lot with therapy self-esteem work.
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  You know, is a major area of individual therapy, and if you
• 17:42
  get to a place where you truly can love yourself more and act
• 17:46
  Kinder because of that, you know, to others because you're
• 17:49
  not as angry, and if things don't seem as unfair and you can
• 17:54
  kind of understand the trajectory of your life and
• 17:56
  where you got to how you are and processed and grieve some of
• 17:59
  your childhood issues and moved forward with new.
• 18:01
  New Perspectives and empathy with in your relationship.
• 18:04
  For some people, the relationship still won't work
• 18:06
  out. Well, then, guess what?
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  There's other people out there, you know, to be with.
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  But everybody who really tries can find somebody as long as
• 18:15
  they are genuinely open to doing so, and are nice.
• 18:20
  You know, nice not like fake. Nice covert contract, shit.
• 18:24
  Nice kind, kind generous, loving Etc.
• 18:29
  Alright, hope that y'all found this useful.
• 18:31
  If you, if you do like, to listen to me, then you would
• 18:35
  also like to join my Facebook group because there's lots of
• 18:37
  smart people in there that like, to talk about the topics that I
• 18:40
  talk about and that Facebook group, you could just click on
• 18:44
  the blue, subscribe button of my page, dr.
• 18:47
  Psych mom on Facebook, anybody listening to.
• 18:49
  This is probably old enough to be on Facebook.
• 18:52
  And so, click on the blue subscribe button on the doctor,
• 18:55
  psych mom page, and it's four ninety-nine a month and it's a
• 18:58
  lot of fun over. 300 people in there.
• 19:00
  Alright. Talk to you soon.
• 19:01
  Have a great day.