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When Your Kids Grow Up: Empty Nest Emotions, Faith, and Learning to Let Go · Still Well Podcast

• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, my friends, and welcome back to another episode of Still Well Podcast.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: I am Brooke Stilwell, the host of the podcast, and I'm so glad you're here again today with me for another talk about all things midlife momming.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: We've had some great conversations, and I'm excited for another conversation with you today.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: This conversation, eye, I think I always build up the conversations that we're going to have, but this one in particular might get me because it's about one of the most important things in my life, and that is my kids.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm sure you can relate as a mother.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are a mother of older kids, yeah, there's a lot to unpack there.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I wanted to talk to you about this today.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Um, a couple of different things.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, it when we talk about parenting or mothering in this phase of life when our kids are older, there are so many directions we can take it in.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm sure that you and I will have many more conversations about this topic.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: But I just wanted to sort of high-level talk today and break down some things that have been on my mind and heart because I'm guessing they're probably on your mind and heart as well, just because of the time of year.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: So I am actually, just to give you some background on what's going on in my life, I'm getting ready to take my middle son back to Texas where he goes to school.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'm in New England.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: So having a son, he was the first one to go really far from home.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: I it's tough.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's difficult.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm sure many of you know what I'm talking about.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I also realize that I'm I may sound a little bit entitled or spoiled because, you know, there are some moms who have who have lost kids.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: And if that's you and you're listening, I just want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and I would never take that lightly, or I would never want to talk about my seemingly frivolous dealings and make light of what you must deal with each day.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and then, you know, some of us are moms of children who are serving for our country and they don't see them for very long extended periods of time.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I realize that having the luxury of talking about missing my child because he's in college is a gift.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: And at the same time, it's okay we don't have to minimize our feelings because there are a lot of big feelings that can come up.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: And for me, this time of year gets me because I just absolutely love having my kids home in the summer and spending time with me.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: I always have, even when they were little, I and I think I talked about this in previous podcasts, maybe even in Life After Kids, that I was the mom that when the last day of school happened, I was so excited they were going to be home for the summer.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I always felt like trepidation and a little bit of sadness and grief when the summer came to an end.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I knew they were going back to school, just because for me, a lot of it is just thinking about the passage of time and how quick things go.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so that still comes up for me every year.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it's coming up for me a little bit now as I'm preparing to take my middle son, Andrew, back to school.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: And then the other thing I have on the heels of that is my oldest son is going to be spending a semester abroad in Spain.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: And he's not leaving till September.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm doing my best to stay in the present moment and not think too far ahead.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to unpack a little bit of that with you today, too, because I think it can help us a lot when we're dealing with our older kids.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: But let's just, I don't want to jump the gun because my brain goes all over as you're probably learning as we talk to each other.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't, I don't want to get too far in the weeds.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: I want to stay focused, but we will get to that a little bit as well.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, I think by the time that you listen to this, because I'm recording a little bit out since I will be away for a few days with Andrew, I will have already dropped him off and be back home.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: And it's probably good timing because I I think Andrew goes back a little early.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: So most of you who are sending kids back to school will probably be a little bit later.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: So anyway, I just wanted to unpack that with you.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: How we're all feeling, what that looks like, how we deal as mothers with our kids going out into the world, our kids leaving home.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: I know some of you may be even thinking like you can't wait for them to go.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: And believe me, I have days too when the mess builds up or when, you know, we just start to butt heads.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: I always joke I have three boys and it feels like, you know, it's like the honeymoon period, the first three weeks, everybody's back home.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Then you get past that third week and they all start fighting again.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: And like I still sometimes think my life is one big wrestling match.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, not like they're physically hurting each other, but you know, they just they're brothers, they're boys.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm sure some of you can relate to that.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: But we had a really sweet summer overall and and just some really special moments.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm I'm sad that the summer is coming to a close.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm also again staying in the present moment and looking forward to what will be coming down the road.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: But let's just talk through some of this, you know?
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I think the very first thing that I want to unpack here, and this might be hard for some of you to hear because it was really hard for me when I realized it was a problem in my own life, is that we as mothers can have a tendency to make our kids into idols.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe you're going, what, how could that even possibly be?
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: They're not false gods.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: I don't worship my kids.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: No, I get that, but anything that we put ahead of God or anything that we look to for our source of joy other than God can become an idol.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: And I've mentioned this in past podcasts.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, it's it's really, I I think maybe as mothers, this is maybe one of the biggest, biggest things that we can make a false idol out of.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: And and, you know, I talked about this two episodes ago when we talked about friendships and relationships.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, I think this also can happen with our kids.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, the the there's two problems there.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, anything that we're putting before God to be our source of joy is gonna be a problem because it's going to take our attention away from him and put it towards something that it shouldn't be.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: And number two, if you're doing that with your kids, your grown kids, man, that is a real recipe for disaster because the kids grow up, the kids leave home, they're not gonna be with you, living with you, and under your roof, you're not gonna be controlling them.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: They can't be your source of source of joy.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: They are very likely, they're gonna go into this world and prayerfully they will have their own spouses and their own families, and they should and should be focused on those families, not on us.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, we all want to be a part of their life, but as they're building joy in other ways in their own life, we cannot be expecting them to be our only source of joy or their lives revolving around us.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's a twofold thing that we have to be really careful of as the kids are growing up.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm going to relate this back to scripture because again, I read, I'm doing the Bible recap.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: And today I was in uh the book of Jeremiah, and so I just read chapter one, two, and three of Jeremiah.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: He was a prophet during King Josiah's time.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: Judah was still standing, and he was warning them hey, you guys, you've got to turn away from your evil ways.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: You've got to turn away from this idol worship.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Because we're talking about idols here.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: And otherwise, you're doomed.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna be taken into exile as well.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: You should be learning from what your sisters, the Israelites, did.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: And let me preface this first with again, I am not a Bible scholar.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: I did not go to college for theology.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, check everything I say.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: I am not the end-all be all when it comes to Christianity and the Bible.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: So you should always do your own research and your own reading and fact-check me and double check me because I'm bound to get it wrong.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm human.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: But the one thing that really spoke to me, and this was in, I wrote it down here, just a couple notes so we don't get too sidetracked.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: It was Jeremiah 2.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: And he was using this metaphor for the people of Israel, how they were thirsting and longing to drink, and God, the living water, the living spring was right behind them.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: And yet they didn't turn to that living spring.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: They were building their own leaky, faulty cisterns that, if you know anything about that and where they lived in the desert, to come across a spring of water, of natural water, was such a gift, and it was the most thirst-quenching thing that you could have.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: And these cisterns that they built could have leaks and the water could be a little dirty and crummy, and it just wouldn't satisfy as much.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: And yet here they are, the living water of God is behind them, but they're looking for these cisterns that are never gonna quench their thirst.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, that can apply to any idol in our life.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: And certainly in this situation, if we're looking to our kids, our grown kids who are leaving home to be our source of joy, it's kind of like the leaky cistern where we should be stopping and going, okay, my kids are growing up.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: This is a natural progression.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm happy for them.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna, you know, walk alongside them and help them where I can.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: But my living water, the only thing that is going to quench my thirst and bring me true sustainable joy is God.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: And we can equate that even I saw the parallel there to Jesus when he's in Samaria talking to the Samaritan woman at the well.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: And he was saying, you know, if you asked, you could have living water to drink.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think we need to, as we talk through this conversation and talk about our kids leaving home, be really mindful of our kids cannot be our only source of joy.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that was a big struggle for me when my first one left home.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now he's a senior in college, so he'll be graduating in the spring.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: But that was really hard for me because a lot of my joy, I just my whole life has revolved around my kids and they always came first after my husband, and and obviously after God.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think just because of that, when Anthony left home, it was really hard for me.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: And we can talk and we will talk about well, let's, you know, if your primary purpose in life was being a mother and then your kids grow up and leave home, well, maybe you need some new purpose.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: But we could take a step back even from that.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe you don't need a new purpose, but maybe you need to connect again to your primary purpose, which has always been living close to God and loving God.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: And so maybe, maybe, just maybe that ache that you feel in your heart or that missing peace that you're feeling as your kids leave home is not gonna be found in what you do next, although doing is important too, and we want to give back, but maybe that missing piece is gonna be found in connecting back to God and to Jesus.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: And so just keep that on your mind.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: I've seen it so much in my life that I'm I just when I have that perspective of like my kids are not meant to be, yes, I want to be around them and I I want to be able to help them through life and God willing, I'll have grandkids and spend a lot of time with them, but they're not meant to be my source of joy.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: God is.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: And so taking a step back and remembering that is super helpful.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I'll tell you another thing that really helps me because, you know, I'm gonna be walking this whole new path when Anthony graduates from college, that that's an even, I think, an even bigger deal.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of friends and women have, you know, spoken to me in the past about this that yeah, when they go to college, it's one thing, but they continue to come home.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: Just wait till they graduate from college or they leave, you know, they move out into their own home or they get married.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's the time when you really realize I can imagine that wow, like the dynamic in the family has changed.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: And the other perspective that I have is that all of these things that feel like they just tug at our heartstrings so much and can really even get us down.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to put all of this into perspective for me and just remember and focus on eternity.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: And when I do that, when I think about what's waiting on the other side of this life, as good as this life is, or the struggles that this life brings, it all pales in comparison to eternal life.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: And so when I have that perspective, for me at least, when I keep my eyes on that and that prize, it allows me to let go of the angst I feel about my kids growing up, or the sad feelings that I'm feeling because my life is hasn't thus far been the way that I hoped it would be, or the struggle that I'm going through, or whatever it, or you know, wishing somebody would show up different for me, or whatever that looks like, when I put it into the perspective of there's something so much better coming, it allows me to let go of such high expectations here.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think that's another thing for us to keep in mind and to just remember to give you fresh perspective that this life is not all there is.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're somebody who's listening that's really struggling with your kids right now that don't hear from them as much as you would hope, or don't have the relationship you wish you'd have, I I feel for you and my heart breaks for you and praying because I just want you to know that God is the God of mended relationships.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: He can heal all things, he can heal all relationships and just continue to pray for that for yourself.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I will pray too.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: But remember that this there is something better coming and God can restore all things.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: So there's some perspective there too.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: Another thing that I want us to keep in mind, and I mentioned this to you in one of our last episodes.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm reading this book, A Million Little Miracles, by Mark Batterson, and he this is the first time that I've read one of his books or have been exposed to him, and I'm really enjoying him.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: He's a pastor, I think, at a church in Washington, DC, but he just has this whole perspective of looking for beauty in life and the bigness of God to just bring you joy and to draw you closer to him.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that, you know, if if you are searching for how are you going to get through these days ahead, maybe you're a mom listening who is dropping their child off at college for the first time, or maybe you're a mom who is entering an empty nest for the first time, or maybe your child is getting married and leaving home and you'll be, you know, they'll be completely out of the house, whatever that looks like.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: If you're struggling and you're wondering and thinking on, well, how, how am I gonna mend those broken places and in my heart?
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: How do I get past this season?
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: One of the things, uh, and this might sound so simple.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: So I hope it's more of a a a revelation to you as it was to me, is to just remember the bigness of God and to get out even into nature, even if that just means going out of your door at night and looking up into the sky.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I hope this doesn't sound cheesy.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it does as I'm listening myself.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: But at any rate, for me, it just does something for me.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: I when I walk walking out and looking up at the stars in the sky and the vastness of it, and thinking about how far away those stars actually are and how many of them there are and how small we actually are and how big our God is, it just puts things in perspective and just heals my heart a little bit.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: The same thing with spending time in nature, going for a walk outside.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: There's a concept of forest bathing that when we're in the in the forest and around trees, how it's such a calming effect on us.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that that could be a really simple way, especially because in most areas that we're living right now, the weather is warm and nice.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: So we still have opportunities.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: I know, like for me in New England, when fall hits, you start to think about winter, but right now the weather is still really nice.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: So we have ample opportunity to get outside and to just be at peace with the Lord.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I think that's one simple thing we can do.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I will just mention this scripture to go along with it because it came across my path this week and I thought it might be beneficial in this conversation, and that's Romans 120.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: And this is the ESV version for his and invisible attributes, namely his eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived ever since the creation of the world and the things that have been made.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: And then it goes on to say, so they are without excuse.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: Now let me preface the end there, because this is talking about people who never had an opportunity to hear Jesus' name or to learn about God and what was going to happen to them, because it just doesn't, doesn't, I mean, even me to wrap my brain around, well, if you never had an opportunity to learn about Jesus, how is that, how does that relate to eternal life and what, you know, what do we expect of those people?
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_00: And this passage is saying that they will have an opportunity to know of God just by looking in nature and seeing what he's created and feeling that presence that should turn their hearts to God.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: And so I just, aside from that, just reading this and thinking about how we see his attributes in nature and the bigness of him and the power of him.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that can be really reassuring and comforting to our mothers' hearts.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because let's face it, and I'm gonna say this with a lot of love, and I'm saying this because I'm probably the most dramatic and catastrophizing person that there is.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of the things that we worry about and think about as moms and the emotions we feel, we blow them out of proportion.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: We do.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Let's just, let's just, I mean, some of us are actually dealing with very big things, and I don't want to make light of that, but a lot of the things that we're dealing with and feeling bad about are we make them bigger than they maybe need to be.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: And to have this perspective and remember how big God is and how little we are, and how a lot of this is just a passing, it helps me at least, and I hope that helps you too.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: The other thing that I wanted to talk about was just a spirit of contentment, having a spirit of contentment.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you're anything like me, and I do this with my kids so much, I do this in a lot of aspects of my life, but I really do this with my kids that I'm just always thinking about how things could have been better.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, well, that was nice, but what if we had done it this way?
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: Or they were home for the summer and I didn't get enough chances to have lunch with them or to talk to them, or they spent more time with their friends than they did with me, or I wish they would have been home more, I wish they wouldn't have slept so late.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: I missed the opportunity to take a nice vacation with them.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: I what whatever the things that we say, we tend to look at how things could have been instead of being in the present moment and being really grateful for what is or what was.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I do that.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if you can relate or not, but I think even just taking a step back.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: And one of my prayers lately has been, Lord, help me to just have a spirit of contentment, to not stew on and think about how things could have been different or how they could have been better, but just to be really grateful for the present moment and for what is.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, if we can do that as mothers, instead of jumping ahead to like, oh my gosh, who are they gonna marry and what is that gonna look like?
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: And are they gonna want to spend time with me?
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: And how am I gonna feel when they're all out of the house?
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: And am I gonna be lonely?
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of jumping to those places, if we could just stay in the present moment and be so thankful for what we have now, man, what a weight that would be off of our shoulders.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_00: And then also if we could stop thinking about how things could be better or different or comparing them to other people's lives.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: So for example, well, why didn't I haven't heard from my child in over two weeks?
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: And so-and-so's daughter is texting her all the time.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I wish I could have better conversations with my child.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: And why don't they want to be around me more?
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of that, instead of thinking how it could be better, remember the times, remember, remember what is good.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: Remember and think on the things that you have to be grateful for.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's where where I'm actively moving towards.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where I'd hope we could all be so that we can let go of just this mother angst that we feel in this phase of life, because it's tricky having your child grow up.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's really tricky.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: We go from, we go from these small, small worries that seem like such huge worries when our kids are little, like are they gonna go pee pee on the potty?
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_00: And are they ever gonna sleep through the night?
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: To like big things like, are they gonna find a job they love?
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: Are they going to have a spouse that draws them near to God and that wants to spend time with me?
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: Are they going to be happy in life?
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that's that those are a lot bigger things.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: And then add insult to injury, like they're no longer under our thumb.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: They're they're either adults or becoming adults.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: So we can't control every situation that they're in and we can't fix all their problems.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: We can't put a band-aid on all of their boo-boos.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: And so, you know, that that's tricky too.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: And and the more that we can find small tools and habits, practical things like getting outside and being in nature and realizing the smallness of our lives and our problems and the bigness of God and being present in the moment and being grateful for the way things are, not wishing they would be something different and not comparing ourselves and putting God first for our joy, not our kids, then we can, you know, all these other things will become easier to deal with.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, the answer there, I think, again, with our kids and worrying about not having control, like we never really had control to begin with.
• 20:33
  SPEAKER_00: Let's face it, we're not in control.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: Anything could happen at any moment in time.
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_00: We're not in control.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: And the more you try to control, I talked about this in the freedom episode, the the less freedom you feel like you have.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: So to think that we were ever really in control of their life, we weren't.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: We just see it more now because they're they're not little and they're more independent.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: But God is in control.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_00: So we just continually have to go to God in prayer.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: Pray over your kids regularly.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: Pray for, I mean, pray for their spouses.
• 21:02
  SPEAKER_00: I've been praying for their spouses from little.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: I when we first moved to Massachusetts, my youngest was, I think he was two and a half, almost three.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: And the oldest was in first grade or second grade, and then Andrew was in kindergarten.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I went to a women's conference with a friend and we broke into small groups.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I just happened to be the leader of my little group was she had older kids, and she was saying, I have been praying for my kids' spouse from the day they were born.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought, wow, that is really smart because that's a big I for me, I have like in order, like A, my biggest prayer for my kids is that they would know and love Jesus and have faith and be written in the book of life.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: And then B, that they would have spouses that would lift them up and not tear them down, would bring out the best in them and not the worst and draw them closer to Jesus.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: And then also selfishly spouses that would, I would get along with and want to be around.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: But you we have to be praying for these things and voicing these things.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_00: And so praying for that, praying for that regularly and being diligent in prayer about your kids.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: Prayer is powerful and prayer matters.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: And the more you go to God in prayer, the better.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_00: And don't just pray once for your kids, pray it over and over and over again.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: He wants you to go to him and he wants us to be diligent in our prayers.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: So I would just tell you that that's an empowering thing too, to take that weight off yourself and give that to God and pray for their safety and for their faith and for their spouses and for their careers and whatever it is that you're thinking about.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_00: I've mentioned in previous episodes, think about joining a moms in prayer.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: Group.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm started in one this past year that's specifically with moms of older kids.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: And it's been, it's been great.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: And you will find in a group like that that your worries are very similar.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: We're very connected in our feelings and our thoughts.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's another thing.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like we can feel like we're on this island alone, like suffering through our fears and our doubts and our worries and letting go of our kids, but we're not.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: We're not alone.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_00: And when we realize that we're not alone and we're not the only one struggling in this way, I think it's very empowering and can be very helpful.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: So I would encourage you in that too.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: I would also encourage you to be a good example for your be the adult that you would hope for them to be.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_00: Be a good role model for them.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: Be a good mentor for them.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: Be ready to listen to them when they come to you.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: I will tell you another thing that I noticed, and I wonder if you can relate to this.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I hope Andrew's not listening because I don't want him to feel bad.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, I've always had the, you know, my kids are leaving home.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_00: They're not going to be under my roof anymore.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not, it's not the same, like closing a chapter.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_00: And for me, it felt so sad.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: And it still is, but I realized this year.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: So my son came home in May from school.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_00: He was home for three weeks and then he was working at school.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: So he had to go back for the month of June.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: And when he first told me about that, like earlier in the school year, I tried to zip my lip and not let him know that I was upset.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: But inside I was upset because I thought I only have a couple more summers with him.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want him to be away.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_00: I want him to be home.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't say it, but that's how I was feeling.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: And what I noticed was when he was home in May, the first maybe five days, we saw each other a lot.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_00: We talked a lot.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: He was coming down like in the morning, breakfast.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: We went even to see a movie together.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: And then as the days went on, and maybe he was home for four weeks, I really didn't see him or talk to him.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: He was in his room, like gaming with his friends.
• 24:25
  SPEAKER_00: He was out with his friends, he was doing this and that.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I didn't check in with him or talk to him a lot because we were physically in the same place.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm guessing that's why.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: And what I noticed was when he left and went back to school just for those couple weeks to work, I heard from him more.
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: I knew more about what was going on in his life.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_00: We talked more.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I think it was because we didn't have that comfort of, oh, we're physically present.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, you don't have to check in as much.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_00: When you're away, for whatever reason, as they've grown, I actually feel like I connect to them maybe more.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe it's because they're getting older, they're becoming adults in their own right.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so for them to go and live their life and then check in, I don't know.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: It was just an interesting, it was helpful.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I hope maybe that encourages you if your kids are leaving for the first time, that just because they're out of your home doesn't mean that you're not going to continue to build a relationship with them.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've laid the framework and you have a good relationship with them, they'll touch base with you.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, they don't, they don't necessarily have to be physically in your home for you to have a really good relationship with them.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes your relationship even gets better after they leave home.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I I've heard this from other women.
• 25:39
  SPEAKER_00: Other women have said that, yeah, like mother and daughter relationships, like, oh my goodness, we just got to the point my daughter and I were very similar.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: We were butting heads, it got really tough.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: But when she left and we had some breathing room, our relationship just grew and it was so much better.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: So I hope that encourages you too, that, you know, just because they're going to school or they're leaving home, they're getting married, they're whatever that looks like, it doesn't mean that your parenting is ending or you're not going to be an important part of their life.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I would encourage you, if you're not hearing from your child as much as you had hoped, do not make them feel bad about that.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_00: Do not complain to them.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_00: Do not put that on them because very likely what that's going to do is cause them to want to reach out to you less.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_00: And also do not be passive aggressive about it and just not talk to them at all.
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_00: If it were me and what I have done in the past, if I haven't heard from my kids, I just reach out on my own.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_00: I don't wait for them to do it.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_00: I take the step.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter who's taking which step.
• 26:39
  SPEAKER_00: It just matters that you talk to them.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_00: So if you need to, be the one to reach out to them.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_00: And you can do it in a way that's not, you know, irritating or annoying to them, although for sure I've annoyed my kids with text.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_00: I just did it the other day and he was in my house.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_00: But we can do it in a way that just, hey, just thinking of you checking in, hope everything's doing great.
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_00: And very often something light like that will open up a conversation.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, just keep that in mind too as they're going to school.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_00: I mentioned to you at the start of this podcast that my oldest was going to Barcelona, uh, Spain, for a semester abroad.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_00: And man, if any of you have been in that situation, uh, either abroad or, you know, being away for months on end where you can't get to them and you're not going to see them for a while, reach out and let me know how you dealt with it because I am honestly, and I'm talking about praying and letting go and giving it to God.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that I need to do that and I'm working on that.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm praying for Anthony and all of his friends, the other students that are going.
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm a nervous wreck.
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just very, very nervous.
• 27:43
  SPEAKER_00: So again, it's just, we don't want to hold them back from their lives.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_00: We want them to have these amazing experiences.
• 27:49
  SPEAKER_00: And it's hard on our mom's hearts.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_00: And so, there again, I've just been actively all summer in prayer over Anthony for his safety and for his friends' safety and for a good time for them.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: But to be safe and to be drawn to God and to just have protection on on all avenues and travel and safety and the places that they're going, all of those things.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: The other thing that we've done, and one of the mothers actually, I've got to give her credit because it wasn't me, but they started a group text for all the moms whose kids were going over there together from the school.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that that can be very helpful again to just know that you're not alone and to for everybody to be able to check in with each other is huge.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: That that is just we're all on the same page.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_00: I did this when Andrew went to my middle one last year, went away for spring break.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_00: And so the kids that he went with, again, I was nervous there.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: We had a mom group chat chat that we were checking in with each other and sharing information as the kids checked in.
• 28:43
  SPEAKER_00: So that could be really helpful too.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_00: And Segway, there's another thing that I just wanted to mention to you.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_00: And if you already have kids in school, you may already know this and see this.
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_00: But if you're just launching them, like one of the things that nobody prepared me for, as nervous as I was for my kids to leave home, is A, the amazing friends they make, and then B, the opportunity to make new friends from the mothers of their friends.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I've seen that so much, especially with Andrew.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_00: He is in Texas and he's in a fraternity.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so he's got a there's a lot of kids around him.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_00: And we've met a lot of the mothers.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_00: And we just actually, one of the his friends and their mother came up from Florida and we all went to a Red Sox game together.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_00: So there were six of us.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_00: You just, you don't know what doors are going to be open.
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_00: And not only for your kids, like let's remember, as sad as we can be for ourselves, like being excited for our kids and every new step they're taking, these new doors and windows that are opening for them opportunities to live an amazing life, to meet amazing people, to make better connections and draw closer to God.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of good in that too.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_00: And very often, you we reap the benefits of that too, with new friends, with when when they get spouses, new family to love on, you know.
• 29:57
  SPEAKER_00: I just hit me this morning as I was praying because I, again, I pray for my kids' spouses and I'm a mom of three boys.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_00: So I have that stereotypical, like, oh my gosh, I have boys, they're gonna go with their spouses, I'm not gonna see them, they'll be with their parents.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_00: And it just hit me today.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_00: Brooke, why are you looking and jumping right to the negative?
• 30:18
  SPEAKER_00: What if they end up with spouses that are like daughters to you, like daughters you always wanted and never had?
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_00: What if they end up with in-laws that become good friends of yours that you spend a lot of time with?
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_00: Why can't, you know, you choose, you're choosing to look at all the scary things that could go wrong.
• 30:33
  SPEAKER_00: Why aren't you looking at all the blessings that could be?
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_00: And so I prayed for that.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I've been praying for that.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_00: Lord, bless them with spouses that are like daughters.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_00: First, spouses that are right for them and that love Jesus and that my kids, you know, will find joy in.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_00: But secondarily, Lord, spouses that will be like daughters to me, with in-laws that will be like family to me and just open up a whole new aspect that you didn't we didn't see.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_00: So I think we need that perspective too.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, in remembering it, it's just so easy in all aspects of life and definitely in motherhood to expect and think about the worst when why aren't we expecting and thinking about the best?
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I I think that's what God wants us to do.
• 31:13
  SPEAKER_00: He wants the best for us.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_00: He also gives us struggles to teach us and to grow us, but we we should be hoping for and praying for the best.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_00: There's nothing wrong with that.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_00: And it's good for our, I think it's good for our mom's hearts, especially in this phase of life.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_00: Same thing with the same thing with their other worries is the relationship with each other.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_00: Do you guys worry about this?
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_00: I I just I actively think about them as brothers and wanting them to have really great relationships as they grow up.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_00: They they fought, especially my older two, a lot when they were younger.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_00: Their relationships gotten better.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_00: But I still see places where, like, oh, I wish like they spent more time together this summer, or there I go again, right?
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_00: Here you go, guys.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about spirit of contentment and I'm looking at the way things could have been better.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_00: I because I'm thinking, like, oh, I wish they had spent more time.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_00: I wish they had taken time for each other, you know, or included each other and their friends.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_00: A, that's not my life to live.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_00: They've got to figure that out.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I see that the more that I try to intervene or push them towards each other, the worse that is.
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I've got to sort of let that go, praying for the relationships with each other.
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_00: But also I noticed and I wonder if you can relate it all, that I need to be very mindful of how I speak to each of them about each other.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because, you know, if I'm concerned about the relationships with each other and I want them to have good relationships with each other, then if I get irritated with one of them, I certainly shouldn't be telling the other child about it.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's not smart.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I have definitely done that.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_00: I've definitely done that just this week.
• 32:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm realizing that you I shouldn't be talking about them to each other.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_00: That is not okay.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_00: Even if it's just in a moment where you're in the kitchen and you're just venting, not even maybe to that particular child, but just in general and they overhear it.
• 32:57
  SPEAKER_00: That's not healthy.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_00: And so be mindful of that.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_00: And also, you know, I've had instances where one of my kids will come to me and say, Well, the other one, why didn't they do this?
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_00: Or I wish, you know, they would do blah, blah, blah, or whatever it is.
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like my first instinct as a mom is to step in and go to the other one and say, Hey, your brother felt really bad about this.
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_00: Why didn't you blah blah?
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm realizing like as they're becoming adults, I can't, I can't do that.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like that, to put myself in between the relationships is not necessarily a great idea.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I think that we have to be really discerning when it comes to that, because sometimes maybe we do have to step in, but I have been more and more like, hey, I don't want to step in the middle of this.
• 33:39
  SPEAKER_00: You, if you're feeling that way, this is not for me to say on your behalf.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_00: You need to go to your brother and talk that through and let him know how you're feeling.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_00: And he's not gonna know that unless you tell him.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's probably advice that we can all take, even in our own relationships.
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like, don't expect somebody else to have the conversation for you.
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_00: And also don't expect the other person that you're feeling hurt by to know necessarily.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_00: They might not even realize it's happening.
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_00: So sometimes the best thing we can do is just go to that person and let them know.
• 34:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm trying to engage my kids with that too, to set them up for healthy, strong relationships as they age because they're brothers and God willing, you know, me and my husband will go before them and at that point they'll have each other.
• 34:22
  SPEAKER_00: So I just praying over that.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's a that's a real concern.
• 34:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm guessing it's a concern for some of you as well.
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_00: The other thing that I think about and pray for, and I would encourage you to pray for your kids too, is just their emotional and spiritual health.
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_00: That I'm actively praying over.
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_00: I think that one of the ways that the enemy will get to them is through emotional and mental things.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_00: And so I think we have to be really mindful of that and praying for our kids, praying for the emotional and mental health and checking in with them, checking in with them regularly to just get a gauge on where they are.
• 34:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's very important.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_00: And then lastly, um, I think we could just circle back as we talked at the beginning, that we can't find our, we can find our joy in our kids, but that shouldn't be our primary source of joy.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_00: Just keep that in mind that our joy in this season of life needs to be coming from God.
• 35:12
  SPEAKER_00: And anything that comes from our kids should be secondary.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, God, we need to look at our kids as a gift from God.
• 35:19
  SPEAKER_00: We are so blessed that we were called to be their mothers and we need to be good stewards of those gifts.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, we can find joy in them and love spending time with them and worry about them, but they can't be our primary source of joy.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_00: It should be God, our our spouses if we have them, and then our kids.
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_00: And so we have to remember that.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that again, to circle back, the best thing that you can do if you're in a season of life where your kids are growing up and they're leaving home, you're facing an empty nest, your kids are getting married, whatever that looks like, the best thing that we can do is go to God and start to seek him more and put our faith and our trust in him and find our joy in him.
• 36:00
  SPEAKER_00: And also seek new purpose in him.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_00: It might be time for a transition in your life from your primary purpose, being your kids, to something else.
• 36:08
  SPEAKER_00: And so remember that and just to recap, to bring it all back together as we're dealing with our kids growing up and getting older and what motherhood look like looks like now.
• 36:18
  SPEAKER_00: We need to not make idols of our grown kids.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_00: The first person that we go to for our joy should be God.
• 36:26
  SPEAKER_00: We should be trying to stay in the present moment and not think about everything that could go wrong, but also focus on all the things that could go really right.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_00: We need to be praying diligently over our kids, endlessly over our kids, about all the things and being specific about our prayers.
• 36:42
  SPEAKER_00: We need to check in with our kids without waiting for them to check in and not compare our relationships with our kids to other people's.
• 36:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's a recipe for disaster.
• 36:51
  SPEAKER_00: We also need to have a lot of gratitude for what we do have.
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of searching always for the negative things, let's find the positive things and be really grateful for them.
• 36:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then we need to focus in on and remember how big our God is and how he can heal relationships that are broken, how he will take care of us and be with us in our time of need.
• 37:10
  SPEAKER_00: And really, again, uh getting out into nature or something as simple as that to remind us of how small we are and how insignificant these problems are that we have, and just remembering the vastness and bigness of God to put everything in perspective for us and finding beauty in the world to put things into perspective for us and letting go.
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_00: Letting go and also lastly remembering what we're working towards, which is eternity.
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_00: And when we put things in this world into perspective and knowing that this is not as good as it gets, as good as it might be, this is not even as good as it gets.
• 37:43
  SPEAKER_00: There's something better coming.
• 37:45
  SPEAKER_00: It allows us to let go of what expectations we have that might not be being met for ourselves and our relationships with our kids, whatever that looks like.
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, I'm as I'm as I'm getting ready and prepared to take Andrew to school, I'm holding on to all of these things.
• 38:01
  SPEAKER_00: And this is my third time around.
• 38:03
  SPEAKER_00: So it's easier each year.
• 38:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'll let you know that if you're a mom who's just sending someone off, it gets easier each year.
• 38:10
  SPEAKER_00: And practically speaking, they come back.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_00: They always come back.
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I wonder if my kids are actually gonna leave.
• 38:16
  SPEAKER_00: But at any rate, thank you again so much for joining me for this conversation.
• 38:20
  SPEAKER_00: I really appreciate it.
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_00: I so many of you have been rating and reviewing the podcast.
• 38:25
  SPEAKER_00: I just saw that today.
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm just so, so grateful.
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_00: You have no idea.
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_00: I really mean that from the bottom of my heart.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_00: Reach out, please, and let me know what you're thinking.
• 38:35
  SPEAKER_00: Let me know how you felt about this podcast, if you're feeling the same way.
• 38:39
  SPEAKER_00: Let me know what you're struggling with.
• 38:40
  SPEAKER_00: Let me know if you have questions or concerns.
• 38:42
  SPEAKER_00: Let me know if there's something I could do better.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be actively involved with you.
• 38:46
  SPEAKER_00: I want this to be a two-way street, not just me talking to a camera.
• 38:50
  SPEAKER_00: My email is Brooke with an E on the end at thestillwellmom.com.
• 38:55
  SPEAKER_00: Please feel free to email me.
• 38:56
  SPEAKER_00: I answer all the emails.
• 38:57
  SPEAKER_00: I just did an episode last week that was a response to Susan who wrote in and asked me a question.
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_00: So I would love to do more of that.
• 39:04
  SPEAKER_00: If you guys have questions, you want to talk about something, send it in and I'll address it on a podcast episode.
• 39:10
  SPEAKER_00: Definitely also check me out on Instagram and Facebook at the Stillwell Mom, and the website is www.thillwellmom.com.
• 39:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm grateful, guys.
• 39:19
  SPEAKER_00: Today, like as hard as midlife can feel with the struggles of aging and worrying about my kids and menopause and all these things, I I just I feel good about the future.
• 39:30
  SPEAKER_00: I I'm I'm praying for all of us.
• 39:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm praying actively for me that just as God God said to Job in Job 42, 12, God bless Job in the second half of his life even more than in the beginning.
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm praying that for us.
• 39:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm expecting good things, and I hope you are too.
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_00: Remember that you don't have to do midlife alone, that you can always choose stewardship over striving, and you can be strong in body, steady in mind, and rooted in faith.
• 39:58
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time.