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I Don't Need You To Complete Me · My Sexy Menopause Body

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to my sexy menopause body, not just a podcast, but a movement.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Menopause isn't something to grow, it's something to own with strength, confidence, and yes, sexiness.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because menopause doesn't mean floating into the background, it means stepping fully into who we are.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: And now here's your host, Kim Nicholson.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Let's get started.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: So guess what?
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: Today we're gonna take it further.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: Because staying single isn't just okay for a growing number of women, it's actually a position of strength.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: Think about that.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm going to prove to you that to prove that to you with with numbers and not just a pep talk.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: And then we're going to talk about something that nobody explains right.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: You can be on a dating app and still not be looking for a spouse or a husband.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: Those two things are not a contradiction.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: So let's talk about this.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, it's Kim and welcome back to my sexy menopause body.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: Like I said in the last episode, um, we gave ourselves permission to stay single without an apology.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot of you could relate to that.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: So today I want to hand you something that's even bigger: proof.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: Proof that it, you know, it isn't a sad consolation prize.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: Proof that women are choosing this path by the numbers.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: And some of the most strongest, most financially secure, and most intentional women out there are making this decision.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: And then, because I know a lot of you are still swiping on those dating apps, we're gonna talk honestly about the dating apps, because using one doesn't mean that you're, I don't know, hunting for a husband.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_01: It might just mean that you want to go to dinner with someone interesting on Friday night.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: So both are valid.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: So let's talk about all of this.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: So let's start with something that might actually blow your mind.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: When I was doing research for this podcast, I it some of the stats that I came across really blew my mind.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: And I found that more than 20 million single women in this country own their own homes right now.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: The this is the highest number ever recorded.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: I I'm gonna repeat that again.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: More than 20 million single women in this country own their own home.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: Single women are actually outpacing single men as first-time home buyers by more than two to one.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: So roughly a quarter of first-time buyers are single women compared to about one in ten for the single man.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: That just blew my mind.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_01: And here's the part that it really lands with me.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: Single women now own more homes than single men in 47 out of the 50 states.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: Not because, you know, these houses were handed to them, but because they built it, they saved for it, and of course they closed on the house themselves.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_01: And let's talk about why this matters so much.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: Just, you know, beyond the numbers on the deed, homeownership is still the number one way regular people build wealth in this country.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_01: Let's face it, the typical homeowner has basically a network around a net worth around$430,000 compared to about$10,000 for the typical renter.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: And that's not a small gap.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_01: Think about that.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: That's the difference between retiring with options and retiring with anxiety.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: So, and single women are doing this despite of the uphill climb that men simply don't face.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: Women still earn less than men for the same work, roughly 85 cents of the dollar, as some recent data that I came across.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: So these women aren't buying homes from a position of financial ease.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: They're actually doing it with less income and often making real sacrifices to get there, right?
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: Cutting back on vacations, relocating to more affordable areas, working extra hours, maybe even getting a second job, and delaying other purchases.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: So financial planners who work specifically with single women going through divorce or widowhood say the same thing over and over again.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: Homeownership is usually the number one goal on these women's lists, right?
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: Not marriage, not remarriage.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: It's a house.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: That's their number one goal, a foundation, something solid with their name on it.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: And think about what that says.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: These women who are single because nothing, they're not, I mean, they're not single because nothing better came along.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: Many of them are trading a mortgage as the foundation that they build their own independence on for retirement before marriage, after marriage, or instead of it completely.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: They're not waiting for a partner's income to feel secure.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: They're becoming their own financial safety net.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_01: That is powerful.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: Sit with that for just a second.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: That just blows my mind.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: This isn't a story about women waiting on the sidelines for a partner to build a life with them.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: This is millions of women building a life first on their own terms and with their own names on the deed, often while earning a lot less and still coming out a lot further ahead.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know what, that's not settling.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: This is one of the clearest, most concrete definitions of strength I can hand you.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: A house with your name on the title and nobody else's.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: Not because you didn't help, but because you decided you'd be your own foundation and then you actually built it.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: And I will share something very private.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um, back in 2008, I bought my own house by myself as well.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and it was scary.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: I had my parents here to help me with some of the homeownership responsibilities and duties and trying to figure out everything that goes along with home ownership.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: But I will tell you, it is possible.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: Now I'm not that way today because I'm happily married and we're in a beautiful home, but it can be done.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're listening out there and you're in a position where you're thinking about buying a home, put a pen to paper and really figure it out.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: Because what I really liked about those stats that I just researched was that you know, you can this is going to be one of the healthiest, most secure ways for you to set retirement for you and for your kids.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: So think about that.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: Um, it's pretty impressive.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: All right, but I uh to go along with that, I also want you to know that there is kind of like this term that's floating around for this, and I think you're gonna love it.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: Um, they're calling it self-partnered, and I'm not talking about those weirdos that are on social media that are marrying themselves.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: What this actually means, it means choosing yourself as your own primary partner, basically.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_01: You're it's not a you know, not as a placeholder until someone better comes along, but as the actual plan.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: You know, your life isn't on pause while you're waiting for someone else to co-sign on that house.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: You're already making the plan happen.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: And now there's an older version of this idea, too, that actually came from Japan, and it's called oh risama.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: Ohito risama.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not sure I'm pronouncing that right, so I apologize for my bad pronunciation, but that's as I close as I can get to it.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: And it means what this means is it's doing things alone, doing things by choice and then doing them well.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: Like going to dinner alone.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_01: How does that make you feel right now?
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever been to dinner alone, all by yourself?
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever traveled alone?
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: How about even something like just sitting in the movie theater alone?
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: Living well alone, not because nobody wants you, but because you decided your own company was worth building a life around.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: I think that is so beautiful.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: And I want to be honest with you, I've lived this one myself, and it didn't start out so graceful.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: I remember one time going to dinner by myself and I sat down and I felt every single person in that restaurant was looking at me.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: Now, let's be honest, nobody was looking at me, of course, but it didn't feel that way.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I felt awkward.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I was fidgeting with my phone, pretending I'm like scrolling through some social media.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I studied the menu way longer than I needed to.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: And part of me just wanted to, you know, get my food to go and get my car and leave.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: But you know what?
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: After the first maybe two minutes, I stayed.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: And guess what?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_01: I've done it again.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: I've gone, I went back out to a restaurant again by myself.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever done this?
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever gone out to eat dinner by yourself?
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: Uh let me know in the comments and tell me how it went.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: But after you do it a couple times, and somewhere around like the third or fourth time, something, you know what, shifts, and I stopped performing the I'm fine, I'm totally fine, I'm just enjoying my own company for an audience that wasn't even watching me.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: I was just feeling awkward.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: I started actually tasting my food, noticing the music that they were playing, enjoying the quiet instead of feeling it.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: And actually, as it turns out, there's actually real psychology behind exactly what I felt.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: It's called the spotlight effect.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I know you can relate to this because researches have found that we consistently overestimate how much other people are noticing and judging us.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: The truth is, most people at the restaurant were so wrapped up in their own conversation and their own meals and their own lives, they were not, you know, checking out the woman at table 12 eating alone.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: I was the only one in that restaurant keeping score.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_01: So it's amazing when you think about how little people really do focus on you or look at you, especially when you're eating alone.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: So there's also research on solo diet, uh dining in restaurants specifically that backs this up.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: So, yes, it can feel very uncomfortable at first, especially in the evening when everybody else has got families and couples there, and when there's more of, you know, why is she alone assumption floating around.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: But the same research does show that when you reframe it as intentional, as a choice, and not as a consequence, it can actually function almost like exposure therapy.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: So every time you do the uncomfortable thing and nothing bad happens, your nervous system actually gets a little bit more proof that you know what, you're safe being exactly who you are, exactly where you are, with nobody else at the table.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_01: This happened to me when I was traveling on business alone.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: I would go to these restaurants by myself, and like I said, after the third or fourth time, I got a lot more comfortable with it.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: And I didn't have to fidget with my phone, I didn't have to bring a book with me or anything else.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_01: I was just very proud to sit there comfortably and quietly eating my delicious dinner.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: So if you if you've never gone to dinner alone, or if you've never traveled alone, or just sat somewhere in public and joined your own company, I'm telling you from experience, the discomfort is real, but it's temporary.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: And what's on the other side of it is worth every awkward 15 minutes.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: So now I want to be honest with you about the bigger picture too, because I don't want you, I don't want to oversell this to you.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_01: So the data doesn't show single life exploding every single year.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um, the actually the overall number of unpartnered adults, if you will, actually dipped slightly in the past few years.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm not going to stand here and tell you that, you know, oh, this is what every woman's doing now, because that's not true.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: What I will tell you is this it's an established and real and increasingly celebrated way to live.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_01: Not it's not a fad, it's not a phase, and it's not a waiting room.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: Millions of women are already living it well, and that's not a trend chasing you.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_01: It's just true.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: I've got several girlfriends who um have remained single for one reason or another, and they all own their own home.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: One owns a condo, one owns a townhome, one owns a home.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: So it's possible, and they're all doing well, and they're all very happy.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_01: So, okay, so now let's talk about the thing that confuses people, including some of you that I've heard back from.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_01: You can be single and genuinely at peace with it, not looking for marriage and still be on a dating app.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, that's not a contradiction.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_01: So you can be single and not want to get married.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: Again, I need you to hear that clearly because I know some of you have felt like a hypocrite for wanting both.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_01: But here's what the research actually, research actually shows about women over 50 using dating apps.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: About half of these women saying they're they are looking for a long-term partner.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: But right behind that, at 41%, they say that they're using the app specifically for casual dating, not marriage, not moving in together, just dating.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: And another one in five on there are actually looking just to make friends, not lovers.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_01: So that's pretty incredible.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: So I want to say that again, too, because I think that that's a powerful statement, and I want anyone who's feeling a little awkward with that or uncertain, I want you to feel that you're not alone.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_01: There's so many women just like you out there that just want to use the dating app for casual dating.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: So let me go over those stats again.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: The that there are people 50 and over using the dating apps, and about half of them say they're looking for a long-term partner, but 41% say they're using the dating app specifically for casual dating.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_01: You know, friends or just having someone to hang out with.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: Not lovers, just someone to hang out with.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: So that's 41%.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: This is not a fringe group.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_01: That is not, I mean, that is nearly half of the people using these apps who are being up front that they just want to meet somebody interesting, you know, go to dinner, maybe see them again next month, nothing serious.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_01: And that's the whole goal.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_01: They're not in it for a ring, they're not in it for a wedding, they just want a good time and good company, and there's nothing wrong with that.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_01: So now I also want to be honest about the other side of this, because I always tell you the whole picture, and sometimes not just the flattering part, but research also shows women over 50 are more likely than men to describe their online dating experience as negative.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_01: Over half report it that way compared to under 40% of men the same age.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_01: So some of that comes from being contacted by people who really aren't respectful at all.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_01: And some of it comes from safety concerns.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I'm sure you can all, you know, have stories around, you know, some of the dating uh some of the people that you've met that you've had some concerns about.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot of those concerns are valid.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_01: You know, there's romance scams targeting adults 50 and older, and they're real, and they're unfortunately becoming increasingly common.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're dating online, keep a friend in the loop on who you're talking to.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_01: You know, um, video chat or FaceTime with this person before you meet them in person, that's always a good one.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_01: And then trust your gut if something feels off.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_01: Being open to casual dating doesn't mean lowering your guard at all.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_01: And here's something else worth knowing.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_01: Different apps are genuinely built for different goals, and that's really kind of useful information.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_01: It's not just marketing, some platforms actually are built almost entirely around long-term and serious matchmaking, right?
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_01: Lots of upfront questions and compatibility scoring, you know, the whole process.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: And other apps are simpler and more casual, closer to like browsing than like I don't know, matchmaking, I guess.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_01: And neither one of them is the right choice.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_01: The right choice is whichever one matches what you actually want right now.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_01: You know, there are a lot of dating coaches out there who work specifically with our age group, and some say the same thing.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_01: You know, the more upfront you are about what you're looking for, whether it's a serious or casual or just a friendship or whatever it is, the more success you actually have because you're just you don't want to waste time with people who want something different from the start.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_01: So it's really good, first of all, for you to decide what you want and then to be honest and upfront about it.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're on one of these apps and someone asks you, so what are you looking for?
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_01: You do not owe them the answer, like you know, a husband.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_01: You're allowed to say, honestly, guess what?
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_01: I just want a dinner and conversation and let's see where it goes, or if it doesn't, that's fine too.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_01: That's all right to say that.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_01: That is really a complete and valid, honest answer.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_01: You don't need a five-year plan to justify a Friday night date, and you don't need to pretend you're hunting for a ring just to make your presence on that app or have it make sense to somebody else.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, so let's wrap all this together or pull it all together for you because I really want you to leave with something more than just a good feeling.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_01: I want you to leave with facts that you can repeat to yourself or to anyone who questions you.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_01: So I always like takeaways, you know that if you've listened to my podcast, I always want you to walk away thinking, all right, this, so this is possible for me.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_01: So my first takeaway is remember, millions of single women over 50 are financially independent and they are thriving.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's in record numbers of them owning their own home on their own.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_01: Now, the second takeaway is choosing yourself as your primary partner, and it has a name now.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_01: It's called self-partnered.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_01: And it is real, it's an established way to live well, not like a temporary stop before, you know, real life starts or a marriage starts.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_01: It's a real thing and it's okay.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_01: So, and then the third one is you know, being on a dating app doesn't obligate you to be husband hunting.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_01: You know, almost half of our daters over 50 are there for just casual dating or friendship, not marriage.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_01: So your goals on the app are basically yours to define.
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_01: So say those three facts, say them out loud, be proud if you need to, because they're yours now.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_01: And here's what I want you to do this week.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_01: And yes, there's homework because you know, information without action just kind of sits there, right?
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_01: So, assignment number one for all of you.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_01: If you've been single and quietly wondering if you're doing it wrong, write down one thing you've built entirely on your own since being single, whether it's a home, uh buying a car, a routine that you've established, friendships, a business, anything.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_01: Just look at it.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_01: That's proof.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's not a consolation prize.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_01: You can do it if that's what your goal is.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_01: Now, the second assignment, if you are on a dating app and you're writing your profile, uh, your profile bio or your next conversation opener with a total honesty about what you actually want right now out of life, even it's just you know good company, there's no pressure.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_01: So stop writing those bios for the husband hunt if that's not actually your goal.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_01: Be honest.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_01: And then the third assignment: say this out loud to your mirror, your car, your dog, whoever's around.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_01: I don't need saving, I don't need fixing.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_01: I'm already standing.
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_01: It'll feel strange the first time, but say it anyway.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_01: So remember, you are who you are.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_01: Be proud of who you are, no matter where you are in this stage of life.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_01: So before you go, if this episode gave you a stat that you didn't know or permission you didn't expect, send it to a friend today.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_01: Not for the download count, but you know, I kind of like that, but because someone needs to hear it from you, and maybe not from me.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_01: So come back next time because we're gonna go deeper into what it looks like to date well on your own terms without losing yourself in the process.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_01: So thanks for listening to my sexy menopause body.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_01: And there is always hope, and guess what?
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_01: You're not done yet.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: This is your time to own your power.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_00: Rewrite the rules and show up unapologetically.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because sexy doesn't expire.