Latest / The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten / Why Won't Your Wife Send You Sexy Pictures?

Transcript

Why Won't Your Wife Send You Sexy Pictures? · The Dr. Psych Mom Show with clinical psychologist Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten

• 0:05
  Hi everybody, and welcome to the dr.
• 0:07
  Psych mom show today, we are going to talk about why your
• 0:10
  wife won't send you sexy pictures when this is just so,
• 0:14
  quote, easy and quote, fast and quote, fun, for her, apparently,
• 0:19
  according to men, why wouldn't she do it?
• 0:22
  Of course, some women do it, but then not relevant.
• 0:25
  So, you know, something doesn't apply to you.
• 0:28
  You cannot listen. You have my full permission to
• 0:30
  do that before. Of course, we get into it.
• 0:33
  I must tell you to subscribe. By just recorded one.
• 0:37
  The previous one was about why, and how, and how bad it is when
• 0:42
  you can't admit that, you're depressed.
• 0:44
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• 0:47
  just sucks or something. And in reality, they're walking
• 0:49
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• 0:52
  miserable. So be sure to subscribe.
• 0:54
  So you can get that and 75 other episodes which are you know, run
• 0:58
  the gamut all about sex relationships, parenting, and
• 1:02
  various psychological issues, all right.
• 1:04
  So As I talked about many of my topics come from my Facebook
• 1:08
  groups, you should definitely join that secret, Facebook
• 1:11
  group, only four ninety-nine a month and that does not give you
• 1:14
  access to my podcast because that is separates the podcast
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  come through, anchor, five ninety-nine a month.
• 1:20
  But the Facebook group you get to interact with me a lot and
• 1:23
  frequently, I'll record live streams and stuff.
• 1:26
  That's and podcast based on the things that we talked about
• 1:29
  those groups and based on requests from those people.
• 1:33
  So anyhow a topic came up about sexy pictures and why women some
• 1:38
  guys say oh for my birthday or something, why don't you send me
• 1:41
  a sexy picture or just for no reason or whatever.
• 1:44
  And the woman is like ha ha and then she never does it or else.
• 1:48
  She just doesn't even answer or I'll she says she will and she
• 1:51
  never does. So first of all, you got to
• 1:53
  think about why you want the sexy pictures.
• 1:56
  We're in a very porn based society and people didn't used
• 1:59
  to think that women just did this at all.
• 2:02
  You know, this was something that, you know, you know, porn
• 2:07
  actress would do or a pin-up girl or something.
• 2:11
  It wasn't the usual thing for regular women, but of course,
• 2:15
  with the ubiquity of selfies and you know, smartphones and
• 2:18
  everything, every man thinks he could have his own personal porn
• 2:21
  star in his pocket and that's just doesn't go along with how
• 2:26
  women are, you know, there's the honeymoon stage where women feel
• 2:29
  really uninhibited, they feel good about themselves and their
• 2:32
  bodies. Because dopamine and adrenaline
• 2:34
  is pumping through their brains and maybe then they'll send some
• 2:37
  sexy pictures. But after that, when, when that
• 2:40
  whole drunken new love thing, recedes women go back to being
• 2:46
  kind of shy in bed. I literally have a podcast
• 2:48
  called why women are shy it. Like, women are shy in bed and
• 2:52
  porn makes men. Think this isn't normal, it's
• 2:54
  normal. Like most women are, are pretty
• 2:56
  inhibited in bed as a norm. Because women are not taught to
• 3:00
  be slutty, they're taught to be quote.
• 3:02
  Good girls and even high libido. Women who have no philosophical
• 3:08
  problem with doing every single thing.
• 3:11
  And, you know, being super open-minded even they as I
• 3:15
  talked about repeatedly have a little bit until decrease within
• 3:19
  monogamy and this is just biology.
• 3:21
  This is just habituation to the same partner.
• 3:24
  When you don't have that much testosterone to start, you know
• 3:27
  it the habituation makes you pretty different, you know, to
• 3:31
  the point not that you don't. Like sex anymore, but you just
• 3:34
  don't think about it during the day, nearly at all with in
• 3:37
  monogamy. And, you know, and also, guys,
• 3:41
  forget like, women have super Salient body image issues.
• 3:47
  And the average woman does not think that she looks hot enough
• 3:49
  to be in a picture. And when she takes it, she could
• 3:52
  be feeling pretty good. And then, if she takes off all
• 3:55
  her clothes and looks at herself in the mirror, she's not turned
• 3:57
  on like in the porno fantasy of your Daydream.
• 4:01
  She's like, sad. She's like ah I thought they
• 4:04
  would look better than that for most women like going bathing
• 4:07
  suit shopping is like a tremendous trauma.
• 4:10
  So the idea of taking off all her clothes and then you could
• 4:13
  be like oh I'd be fine with a down the shirt or up the skirt.
• 4:16
  Or first of all, I mean I've said, first of all, a lot
• 4:19
  because you just so much background that men don't
• 4:21
  understand how women think about this, like she doesn't know what
• 4:24
  you want. Remember she doesn't watch porn,
• 4:26
  she doesn't watch it. So she doesn't know, she doesn't
• 4:28
  know. She could just take a picture of
• 4:30
  her boobs or something and By the way, remember I just said
• 4:34
  most women like after they you breastfeed a couple babies,
• 4:37
  you're not that into your boobs after you gained 20 pounds,
• 4:39
  whatever the case may be. But anyway, they don't even know
• 4:42
  what kind of picture you want. They are feel awkward about the
• 4:46
  whole thing. They feel sexy during the day
• 4:49
  approximately never possibly when ovulating.
• 4:52
  Then one, real Surefire way to reduce their sex drive is to
• 4:55
  look at their damn naked body in the mirror in the light of day.
• 4:58
  I mean, you know, it's just like adding like bad to worse.
• 5:02
  And if they used to do it at the beginning of a relationship, I
• 5:06
  certainly see why you wish that it would still happen.
• 5:09
  But frequently the woman never did it.
• 5:11
  And remember the rates of anxiety among women.
• 5:15
  There are women that were my group that were like.
• 5:16
  Oh, but what about? If like, your phone gets stolen
• 5:19
  or hacked or like anxiety and women is really high.
• 5:24
  And so of course, these are the same things that are why I like
• 5:29
  women. Think the kids are going to get
• 5:30
  kidnapped all the time when like the rates of kidnapping Like
• 5:33
  Beyond low, you know, read the book.
• 5:35
  Bye, Lenore skin, asean free range parenting for the actual
• 5:39
  statistics like your your kid is likely to get hit by lightning
• 5:43
  than to be kidnapped, out of their front yard but many most
• 5:47
  parents think would be the opposite that like if they left
• 5:49
  their kid out their front yard, too long kid would be kidnapped
• 5:52
  like you within the hour, you know.
• 5:54
  But of course the that's crazy. But that is anxiety for you,
• 5:59
  it's not rational. So they also think that their
• 6:01
  pictures that they send We're going to be found out or that it
• 6:04
  would be terribly scarring for your child to see, you know, a
• 6:08
  picture of like, mommy's boobs and a bra.
• 6:11
  And I don't make, you know, the rules of anxiety.
• 6:14
  Like anxiety has its own rules, and it means that oh, bad
• 6:19
  public. Like this is going to be
• 6:22
  publicized on a Times Square, billboard.
• 6:24
  Everybody will laugh. Everybody will know that.
• 6:26
  I have boobs, whatever. So if your wife already
• 6:29
  struggles with anxiety, this is frequently a non-starter And if
• 6:34
  she is with in monogamy, if she has a lower sex drive and she
• 6:37
  has any bodily inhibitions about how she looks.
• 6:40
  This is also going to be a non-starter.
• 6:43
  So what do you do? Well in this case like I'm
• 6:45
  always telling people like alright the woman should get
• 6:48
  outside her comfort zone, this is no different.
• 6:50
  If you're a woman listening to this send him a fucking picture.
• 6:53
  The only thing like if you don't like the rest of your body turn
• 6:56
  half the lights off, put a nice bra and panties on and he'll be
• 7:01
  very happy. But also, since I'm addressing
• 7:04
  the men primarily at talk to the women all the time to Get
• 7:07
  outside yourself, stop being selfish.
• 7:09
  I even have an article entitled. Are you low libido or just
• 7:13
  selfish a quiz that? I'm sure is super popular with
• 7:16
  the ladies, just kidding. So yeah, I'm totally all about
• 7:20
  women, getting out of their comfort zone, but this one is a
• 7:23
  little bit different because it feels kind of like insult to
• 7:27
  injury. I'm already telling the woman to
• 7:29
  work on the sex life. And so I'm telling her Her get
• 7:33
  yourself in a position where you could experience.
• 7:35
  Responsive desire. You're not going to have
• 7:37
  spontaneous arousal anymore. You're like 40 something.
• 7:41
  You've been with a guy for 20 years.
• 7:42
  Is he you know Patrick Swayze and Dirty Dancing.
• 7:45
  No you know but like try you love him and that's not to mean
• 7:49
  that. You wouldn't that a woman would
• 7:50
  not with in monogamy get tired of Patrick Swayze and Dirty
• 7:53
  Dancing either because she would because there's that saying for
• 7:57
  every beautiful woman there's a man tired of fucking her well
• 7:59
  for every hot man, there's the same.
• 8:02
  Anyway, so sure women should get themselves in a position where
• 8:06
  they can be aroused, however, taking a damn picture of your
• 8:10
  own body unless you get off on doing that.
• 8:13
  It's not arousing. This is not going to lead to any
• 8:16
  responsive design are all it is is kind of fake and you're
• 8:18
  alone, you know, like I would so much rather with a woman, take
• 8:24
  the her effort at getting herself into a position where
• 8:27
  she could then feel aroused and good physically.
• 8:32
  If she Associates her husband with physical like positive
• 8:38
  things like his touch, makes me feel good.
• 8:42
  And then over time a sexual encounter leads always to
• 8:46
  something more mostly always to a fulfilling bodily experience
• 8:52
  to an orgasm to whatever, okay? I could see this being self
• 8:56
  perpetuating. The thing with the pictures is
• 9:00
  it just so fake? It's like, You know, it's like
• 9:04
  it's, it feels, you know, and I think I said this on a video
• 9:09
  when I did a video about this, which I do sometimes, if I get a
• 9:13
  good topic going in the group, but I think it said it's like,
• 9:17
  if, if a woman said, you're not romantic enough.
• 9:20
  I want you to cry at how much you love me.
• 9:22
  Cry right now. Cry about it, cry about it, and
• 9:25
  take a video of you crying about how much you would love me
• 9:29
  blubbering about it and send that to me because that's what I
• 9:31
  get off on. There's some fake bullshit.
• 9:34
  Who do you even want to even want me, or do you want some
• 9:36
  bullshit that you made up in your head from romance?
• 9:39
  And that is to women? What it sounds like to take a
• 9:42
  sexy picture and to act like aroused or like mischievous or
• 9:47
  like, whatever the hell kind of face.
• 9:49
  She thinks that you want when she is not feeling it at all and
• 9:52
  in fact, she's feeling like if I have to go, another couple of
• 9:56
  decades, trying to be something that I'm not in the absence of
• 9:59
  any feeling of physical arousal at all.
• 10:02
  I I think I'd just rather leave, you know, and that's what the
• 10:05
  average woman would think about this, especially the average low
• 10:08
  libido woman who never did this before.
• 10:11
  Because when you met her, your porn habit, and I'm talking to
• 10:15
  you, whoever this resonates with your porn habit was not at the
• 10:19
  level of, you know, expert ninja that it is now because when you
• 10:24
  knew her 2015, 20 years ago, you weren't jerking off all the time
• 10:28
  and you're like, yeah because she was fucking me more, you
• 10:29
  been probably not super much more it Is that porn was not so
• 10:35
  available as it was. And so, therefore, you didn't
• 10:38
  think in terms of montages and you didn't think, man, it would
• 10:42
  be great to have my favorite little porn actress.
• 10:45
  You know, my wife, do these things for me, so, you know it,
• 10:51
  sure, sexy pictures are fun, you know, and it sounds fun when
• 10:56
  you're a guy and it sounds fun when you're a single woman and a
• 11:00
  woman in the early stages of courtship.
• 11:02
  Times if you're not a very sexual person, then it doesn't
• 11:05
  even sound fun. Then, or if you're an anxious
• 11:07
  person, that they stash, it's going to be all over the
• 11:09
  Internet. Like anybody cares about the
• 11:11
  average, 40 year old wife and mother, they don't, you know,
• 11:16
  but I mean although I did see a tick tock, we're 45 year old
• 11:19
  woman was bragging about paying off an eighty four thousand
• 11:22
  dollar dead taking pictures of her vagina, which is admirable.
• 11:26
  I mean, you know, so that people can certainly make money.
• 11:29
  However, they would like it is a free market economy.
• 11:32
  But The point is like that is actually extremely anxious, so
• 11:36
  if that's your reason then, you know, that's no.
• 11:40
  No one's looking at your husband's phone about his
• 11:43
  pictures and he could figure he could password protected or
• 11:46
  whatever. I mean half, y'all are married
• 11:48
  to guys, and it, if they can't figure that one out.
• 11:50
  I don't know how they're bringing home a salary, but
• 11:53
  anyway, the point is try to have a little compassion.
• 11:56
  This is not fun or exciting to your wife.
• 11:58
  Now, let me tell you something, if you work on getting outside
• 12:01
  of your comfort, Zone. As I talk about all the time, if
• 12:04
  you're more open-minded outside the bedroom, she may grow more
• 12:07
  open-minded in the bedroom. So, are there things that your
• 12:10
  wife wishes that you would really change and grow and be
• 12:12
  open-minded about perhaps my home, renovation podcast, could
• 12:16
  be relevant here? Perhaps she wants you to, you
• 12:19
  know, be interested in. I don't know any fucking thing,
• 12:25
  her hobby, what movie? She wants to watch talking about
• 12:28
  her friends from work, traveling to different destinations,
• 12:31
  whatever if you have, Bottlenecks in terms of being
• 12:34
  closed-minded you got zero like to stand on in terms of asking
• 12:38
  her to be your special erotic model.
• 12:41
  If you are completely open-minded in every way she's
• 12:45
  going to grow closer to you in the bedroom and that may or may
• 12:48
  not include pictures, but I'll tell you, if you are having an
• 12:51
  awesome sex life, you wouldn't give two shits about the
• 12:53
  pictures unless you are porn. Habit is more on the edge of
• 12:57
  addiction than you are telling me right now you know or telling
• 13:01
  yourself since we're not. Actually, in a session.
• 13:03
  But so those are. Those are the only guys, by the
• 13:07
  way that perseverate on the idea of specific erotic fetishes when
• 13:12
  they're having an otherwise, Happy sex life are the guys that
• 13:16
  are usually down the rabbit hole of pouring that is directed
• 13:19
  specifically to a certain Kink or fantasy and or men who always
• 13:25
  had a specific king or fantasy. But never told the wife.
• 13:29
  So then I've seen this too. So then it like after like 15
• 13:32
  Years of marriage there. Like, I think now be a good time
• 13:35
  to bring up BDSM. Well shit.
• 13:38
  How you think that's going to go?
• 13:40
  She thinks she doesn't even know you that you say that you want
• 13:42
  to do. BDSM.
• 13:43
  She's going like, oh my God, this is something you always
• 13:45
  wanted. You never told me.
• 13:47
  And you know what? Like, that is incredibly.
• 13:49
  Destabilizing if you walked in and you saw her watching like
• 13:52
  pouring on like BBC, you would be like, what the fuck?
• 13:57
  Have you really what you would be like?
• 13:59
  Wait, hold on. What's this size?
• 14:01
  Queen or like, you know, I can make up all sorts.
• 14:02
  Sorts of funny examples. But with the little exception of
• 14:07
  that, most men would be happy to know that their wife had some
• 14:10
  sort of an interest and FM threesomes that.
• 14:14
  Everything else might be a little bit late.
• 14:16
  Wait, what? And that is how she feels.
• 14:19
  If you bring out your Kink later in the marriage, if you do want
• 14:23
  to do this, it's not like you can but you'd have to be like, I
• 14:26
  am really sorry that I never had the courage to tell you that
• 14:29
  I've been into X. You can't just like, try to
• 14:32
  start bringing. In like handcuffs and stuff into
• 14:34
  the bedroom and think she's not going to pick up on something is
• 14:37
  weird. So if you do have a, so if you
• 14:40
  are the guy who is way more into porn than you're admitting, then
• 14:44
  that is probably has more of a contribution than you think to
• 14:46
  why you want the photos and the videos and whatever otherwise
• 14:50
  you may be just trying. But that's that's more of you.
• 14:53
  Let me just say, that's more of you than right now, or raising
• 14:56
  your hand to say. That's me, it's still more.
• 14:58
  So more should be raising their hands, but otherwise, Wise.
• 15:03
  It's a lot of guys who are, like, I've tried other ways to
• 15:05
  spice up my sex life, those didn't work.
• 15:07
  So, what about this one? If the other ones did it work?
• 15:10
  This is the last one that's going to work.
• 15:12
  This is the most uninhibited women that do this.
• 15:17
  You know, this is not the average woman and social media
• 15:20
  and even like, Tick-Tock and stuff like that makes you think.
• 15:23
  Because these are the women, think about it.
• 15:25
  If a woman is on Tick, Tock became cute little things about
• 15:27
  her and her husband. And she says stuff.
• 15:30
  Because I see these where it's like, oh, Him flirty messages
• 15:34
  all day at work. Haha, think about the
• 15:36
  personality of a woman who is a tick?
• 15:39
  Tock start to the point where, where she's getting millions of
• 15:42
  views in that she comes up in your feed, right?
• 15:45
  Or YouTube, or whatever, you're looking at online, this is
• 15:49
  somebody who is trying to put on a performance, it's not very
• 15:52
  dissimilar from somebody who is a porn actress, you know, it's
• 15:55
  somebody who's very attention-seeking.
• 15:57
  That's not your wife, right, right.
• 16:00
  I mean, you know, she can't just decide to be a different person.
• 16:02
  Personality and, you know, just for the fuck of it, you neither
• 16:06
  can you, you know, much to her Chagrin and much to your
• 16:09
  Chagrin. So as is always acceptance and
• 16:13
  smaller steps and empathy are our key to transforming your sex
• 16:18
  life. That many men do not realize
• 16:20
  what a big ask. This one is if somebody has some
• 16:22
  for picture of their dick, they would be over the moon so it's
• 16:26
  not the same, it's just like legit.
• 16:28
  Like there is no overlap between how you would feel.
• 16:32
  Woman asked to see a picture of your penis.
• 16:34
  And how a woman feels when her husband asked to see a picture
• 16:37
  of her vagina and she's out of the honeymoon, stage, and she's
• 16:40
  had kids, and, and, and etcetera, etc, etc.
• 16:44
  So, this one is a different kind of asked than most men realize.
• 16:47
  So that's why I thought that it would, it would be interesting
• 16:50
  to do it. And also if you're a woman and
• 16:52
  you hear this, you like, oh my God, it's a bigger ask.
• 16:54
  Well wow, I'm gonna go be super wife, awesome, go be super
• 16:58
  Wyeth. I'd already told you.
• 16:59
  Nobody's going to find your damn picture, 100% be A wife that's
• 17:03
  great but also remember back to my podcast about getting lead
• 17:07
  once more per week, isn't going to make your life awesome.
• 17:10
  Because that's not what you really want.
• 17:11
  Same thing with this or with any other specific preference.
• 17:16
  That thing is not going to be the thing that makes you happy.
• 17:19
  The thing that you really want, the thing that guys want when
• 17:22
  they're talking about wanting, the picture is a more
• 17:25
  open-minded playful tone and environments in their home
• 17:29
  around sex. That is what they want.
• 17:32
  And so, If you are aware then by me telling you that that is what
• 17:35
  you want, and you recognize that it's true.
• 17:37
  Then you can say oh I guess there's more than one way to
• 17:40
  skin a cat. And there is probably a million
• 17:45
  other things. Starting with getting better at
• 17:49
  sex, getting better at, making her feel comfortable and
• 17:52
  physically good refer back to podcast.
• 17:55
  Numero Uno on ways to make your highly sensitive wife like sex a
• 17:58
  lot more. There are ways to work on that.
• 18:01
  That can Increase her positive attitude, towards sex and of
• 18:05
  course, what do I always tell you?
• 18:07
  Couples counseling can really address, like let's say and this
• 18:10
  is, this is pretty common. She has a lot of empathic
• 18:13
  ruptures towards you, you know, and you're asking her for sexy
• 18:16
  pictures but she's back remembering about, you know, the
• 18:19
  the time where you didn't come home, you know, after work trip
• 18:23
  on the day that you said that you would and she was home with
• 18:26
  two babies or whatever the case may be.
• 18:28
  So couples counseling can get at the root of other kind of
• 18:31
  bottlenecks around into See, which can stop even very high
• 18:34
  libido. Women from wanting to give their
• 18:36
  husband the time of day in bed. If those are not worked on so
• 18:40
  you what you're hoping? And and also and also, I must
• 18:43
  say because I'm not a bullshit artist, there are some women who
• 18:47
  will never have an open and playful attitude about sex.
• 18:50
  They may have a history of sexual trauma.
• 18:52
  They may just be very low libido, people that were trained
• 18:54
  to have a negative view of sex in the home.
• 18:56
  They may be postmenopausal, they may have depression anxiety, a
• 19:01
  lot of chronic pain, Pain. They may never have a positive
• 19:05
  and playful and Fun open attitude about sex.
• 19:08
  And if you keep pushing on it, all you're going to do is
• 19:11
  destroy the friendship that you have.
• 19:13
  And then if you get divorced, you're going to fucking hate
• 19:16
  each other. So if you're in a situation
• 19:18
  where you're getting about jack-shit embed, there's no
• 19:21
  openness and playfulness, there's nothing, sweet, there's
• 19:24
  no tenderness, there's no physical affection, there's no
• 19:26
  understanding of what physical affection even looks like,
• 19:30
  that's when you got to talk to a therapist, you got to think
• 19:32
  about What are the benefits of staying in this relationship?
• 19:35
  And at that point, if this person really does not have a
• 19:38
  sexual bone in their body, you have to decide.
• 19:40
  Is this something? Is it is worth staying with this
• 19:43
  person and, and in my mind, it's only worth staying with them.
• 19:47
  You can decide like, people could say, I want to stay for my
• 19:50
  kids whatever, but then you can't keep pushing them in this
• 19:52
  way. It's unkind, you know, if you
• 19:55
  know, in your heart, from everything that I'm saying, that
• 19:57
  your wife is just not a sexual person in this sort of thing.
• 20:01
  Every time you bring something up, Up it, she takes it like an
• 20:03
  attack. She's like confused, she's like
• 20:06
  fearful, she just like wants to be left alone.
• 20:10
  She doesn't even it would she would be happier if she had no
• 20:13
  vagina. Then why do you keep torturing
• 20:16
  her? You know, like if you want to
• 20:18
  make the decision to stay with her, don't punish her for that
• 20:21
  decision that you're making. You can make a different
• 20:24
  decision to be with somebody who is more sexually open and more
• 20:28
  open around affection and intimacy because it's never
• 20:30
  about sex. It's always about intimacy.
• 20:33
  Always about intimacy, never about sex.
• 20:35
  I want y'all to like write that on your hands, you remember, the
• 20:39
  people who want these pictures, unless again, it's the porn king
• 20:43
  kind of thing. They usually just want that
• 20:46
  intimate playful back and forth, reciprocality mutuality of
• 20:52
  affection, and giving and receiving, and we're close.
• 20:55
  And we have a fun connection and that whole kind of thing.
• 20:59
  If you want that in your getting it on other ways, then be happy
• 21:03
  and maybe just like be, you know, accepting that you can't
• 21:06
  have every single thing in the world that you want.
• 21:08
  If you're getting that in no ways photos aren't going to do
• 21:12
  it. And you got probably better, you
• 21:14
  know, you you have to use your time more wisely and think
• 21:19
  deeply about whether you want to remain in the relationship, you
• 21:21
  know? I mean, that would be my advice
• 21:22
  there and for some people, you know, who are listening that are
• 21:27
  women, this is a very nice gift. To give it to your husband.
• 21:30
  Is the naked picture if you'd like to do that.
• 21:32
  I'm sure he would appreciate it. All right, I will talk to you
• 21:35
  soon. Have a great day.