Latest / AuthenticallyMoms / They're Growing Up, We're Freaking Out
Transcript
- jaclyn: Welcome to another episode of Authentically Moms. I'm Jaclyn And I'm Sajata and nothing's off Limits and we keep it real. Hey Tribe, it's been a minute. I feel like I say this every time, but just shit comes up and it's always the shorter weeks like the fall break and stuff like that where you just have so much to do 'cause it's crammed in. Right. And then we we can't get around to record. Not at all. I feel like just at this point life happens. But we did meet up for a quick coffee at least. Yeah, it's like a like a okay, this is our game plan from now. We got a little bit more structure. This is how we're gonna go. We have some changes coming up. I ordered some wallpaper, so it's not gonna be this like boring beige. And of course we decided on one that was back ordered. I know. So I called and I'm like, Where is this wallpaper? It's been a week and it didn't even say shipped, it just kept saying order is processing. Uhhuh. And then I had waited a week and so she was like, it's gonna be three more weeks and it's back ordered everywhere and it took us a while to find something that we both like. Yeah. So I was like, we can wait, I guess. I look but you have to Tell me when you're gonna put it up because this girl is yeah, I'll do it myself. I do it myself. But it was funny because Sujata thought when I was showing her wallpaper and like I AI'd us, you know, with the wallpaper behind us to see how we'd look. She thought that we were deciding on an AI generated backdrop. And I was like, no, girl, I'm gonna actually put this on my wall. this is gonna stay on my wall. Well you sent me an AI picture of I know but I was like which wallpaper do you like better? But I guess I wasn't clear of what the purpose of that was. So I was like figuring out I like AIing and trying to let's see what other options there are. Like no girl, like real wallpaper real wall paper. So Funny story. Okay. Chas was out of town and I was like, I want to get some good sleep. Not that I don't get some good sleep with him, but you always have plans like go to sleep early and it never works out. Right. because you just either are scrolling or I'm most of the time binge watching. Uhhuh. So I took a sleepy gummy and I was like, you know, I haven't taken a bath in such a long time, like before my surgery, and then I was cleared for a bath. So I like, I'll take a bath, I'll have a glass of wine, I'll take a sleep gummy and I'll watch a show. And I think because it had been a long time since I had taken one, it really hit me. So instead of me going to bed and taking advantage of that sleepiness, I was watching Love Is Blind Netherlands. Okay. And I was getting into it and so I just stayed longer and so it went past the point of sleepy. It just kicked in as a gummy. So for me, I start my spatial awareness like hearing is very off. So I'm listening to it. And of course I have like the voiceover in English because I'm not gonna read. It is kind of annoying, but for me it's better than reading because most of the time I'm doing other stuff. So I hear someone talking. Not the voiceover. I hear someone talking. I'm like holy shit. Like I know the nurse is here but this doesn't sound like her. I'm thinking someone's in my house, in the bedroom. So turn it off and I don't hear it anymore. Then I turn it on, I'm like, these fools know that I'm trying to listen to them. So when I turn off my phone or pause it, they stop talking. Girl, I was like already on episode five. I had been watching it on other days. Other days, okay. I just realized the gummy made me aware that this whole time They're speaking in their in their language as a background. You can that volume is a twenty. Okay. And then they have the voiceover as a hundred. But you can still, if you listen closely, you can still hear their the original language in the background. I had not known it this whole time and it I figured that I figured it out. It obviously it wasn't people like robbing me. Right. But it was the fucking background. In their lane in their language. Yes, very aware. Like I hear stuff in my sound machine that I've never heard before, which is kind of annoying because then you hear it on repeat the cycle and that's But then do you get good sleep because it's a sleep gummy? Well eventually I did, but it took me forever. I'm trying to think of it. When does it kick in? But why would you actually get in the a bath and mine would have to Yeah, I thought it was well, I mean, It's not like an ambient, right? Okay. But I guess 'cause it had been a while since I since I had taken one. Okay. It kicked in a lot sooner. And then had I gotten out the bath at a decent time, but I was just there like watching, you keep on going, I have to find out what happens. So you're watching while you're in the bathroom. Yes. I have my phone propped up my wine and stuff. So yeah, it was like I'm really gonna get some relaxing time. I was like, damn, it took a gummy for me to like actually get paranoid. Well, not paranoid, but just realize that they are speaking in their language in the background, regardless if you have the voiceovers in English. I think it would be funny if you were running around your house thinking you were getting robbed. I can just imagine my gosh, because you're always on on guard and alert. Yeah. And so I was like texting Chas the stuff and he was at Metallica concert, while they were at the concert, and I guess I was texting him and he was like, Woman, are you high? And I was like, I didn't mean to. I was trying to take a sleep gummy and I think I went past the point where I was sleeping. And now I'm just high. So Hey, it worked it. I mean, it was good, right? It was still good. You got good sleep. Yeah. And you probably laughed at yourself. But I do like the ones. I think we need to promote those ones that we've been taking. The ones I let you have. The 2.5s Yeah. Is that the one you took? Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. That was a different one. But those, it just makes you feel good. The two point five. It's just yeah. It just like takes the edge off. Sometimes if you had a a rough day or you're like not in the mood or just whatever. I'm hooked on those. Do you take them like daily? No, no, no, no, no. Probably twice a week, maybe three times a week, Just it just takes the edge off to me. It's like it's like a little buzz. Yeah. Right? Like a small buzz. Yeah. It keeps going for a little bit. Like if you didn't want to go somewhere but you had to go, you take it and you're like Woo, I'm having a great time. This is fun. That other noise is not there. Yes. Whereas that is like you're worried and you're think overthinking stuff. Yeah, it takes the noise absolutely away. Absolutely. Cause there's a lot of times we just don't want to do stuff. But it's good for us. I know that we're going through so many things, so many changes, I don't know if you heard our last podcast that we're like in the sandwich era of our motherhood where we're taking care of teens, going through their stuff, their emotional changes. I know a ton of friends who are now also worried about their parents and having to deal with that. Yes. That we've never had to deal with before. And then the stress of our own bodies changing. we've we've we go through changes every now and then, but I feel like, from twenty five to forty, you're good. Yes, but then I think once you hit forty, then your hormones and everything just creates like you're like in the unknown. Everyone's trying to figure out what works for them and then when something works, it doesn't mean next two years it's gonna work anymore. It's a lot of figuring out what works for your own body. But it's a lot of like chit chats with your girlfriends. 'Cause you want to know is it you that's only going through it? But when you talk to your girlfriends, you're like, Okay, everybody at this age is going through it. So it feels good too at the same time. But it's like you're sharing information. Yeah. What works for you and what doesn't. So it's like sharing your your makeup, what works for you and what doesn't. I just feel like when we talk and say it's relatable that what we're going through is normal. But I have to tell you, it's been four months since I've haven't had my cycle. So I don't even know, I'm really at the end of perimenopause. And I'm having those up and down emotions. Like I was really fine and then I think I had coffee with you. I was and it was nothing that you do differently. I am very structured and do the same thing, but woke up like super emotional. Yeah, that's another thing I know people talk about when kids go to college and stuff, but they don't really talk about the anxiety that you get anticipating that happening, which I think that that's what you're going through right now with Riya I'm like, okay, there's only two more summers left. You know, she's got her own life. They don't need you as much, they're gonna become even more independent what they're when they really don't need you. You know, they can do things on their own. And those times when you're like having to pick them up and drop off, you sometimes you're gonna start missing that. So it's it's you're trying to hold on, but they're kinda pulling away. Not on purpose, but just a natural transition in life. But I think that I'm I don't know if I'm ready for that right now. And I'm you know, like you said, I may be overthinking it sometimes, but she's my firstborn and I'm attached to her, so it's really hard. But you're trying to justify in your mind, hey, it's okay that you're thinking this way. You I myself had the same thing and did the same exact thing and trying to think of what it how it affected my mother. So it's good to talk to your parents, like you're my mom and just Hey, how did you feel? And she always told me, Hey, these are the best years when they were younger to spend time with them because once they hit like twelve, thirteen, thirteen years, they're gonna want their They're out with their friends. Their priorities are a little bit different and things. So yeah, it's it's been very challenging for me. So she's got Halloween parties and already Thanksgiving plans and Christmas plans. I like, wait, you don't even know our plans yet? how are you making these plans with all your friends? So those kind of like affect me a little bit. Yeah, but I think talking to your girlfriends and and not just girlfriends, but just talking about it. helps normalize those. Those are all valid. First thing is those are all valid things to worry about and would be anxiety inducing So yes, you should be feeling all of this. On the flip side, not only are we struggling with that, but also moving from being there physically to to moving they don't need you as much physically. Correct. It's really just like emotionally, but then you don't know whether to step in or not. Like do they wanna talk to you about certain stuff or whatever. So you're already like losing them even though they're still under your roof. Basically right now, you're you're like shuttling them wherever they wanna go. Yes. Either getting them food, taking them to their friend's house, just getting them what they need, like doing errand things. Yes. And then they're gonna start driving them self. So they're gonna need you even less. Yes. So it almost like weans you off. Mm-hmm. But I think the anxiety of anticipating that is more than it will be when it actually comes. And I think you're absolutely right. But then I needed you to kinda tell me the positive and s the way you told me to think about it and you can kinda explain how you told me to think about it rather than the negative way, right? Yeah. So I didn't even think Think that way. I'm just in my mind, I'm just thinking, okay, she's going away, she doesn't need me, all those negative things, right? What as a mom, what could I do better? What could I have done better? Just a lot of like reflection. And you see I mean, I tend to be a little bit more negative than positive on myself, right? Just to Yeah, as we all are as moms. Yeah, but like talking to you just really made me feel much better. sometimes I'm like, gosh, I'm crying and Very, very emotional and I don't want to bring down No, you don't bring I think that that's true friendship for you to be at your worst, at your best. It's almost like marriage. I had this thought also when I was on a gummy that friendship is like marriage. It takes work. You have to grow it. it's a two way street, You can't have just one friend always being there and the other one not. It takes work, you have to make time for it. It's the good, bad, the ugly. the good times the ugly times when you're dealing with something very awful, you're not your best. Whatever it is, just being there, listening, mm, I think even getting it off your chest is, you know, step one. Right. And I feel like this stage in life is just there's a lot more worry. Yeah. And a lot it's there's a transition period right now and I feel like you need your girlfriends 'cause I feel like sometimes the guys don't understand the small emotional part of things, right? They're like, Okay, they're gonna be out of the house, we get our life back But as a mom I don't no, I don't feel that way, right? let's just be honest, right? For the most part They go to mom when they need something emotional, physical, they fall. they need you. You're the mom. There's something that will never replace that. Mm-hmm. and no disrespect for like any fathers or anything. But if you still have your mom, those are kind of the default parent for all of that. Yes, that emotional support. And and when you don't have that anymore, it's tough. And when you're also not being needed as much, even though you complain you really like it and you really want to be needed in a different way, It is trickier to do that now because we're all trying to figure out how to navigate them. even nowadays, there's so much that we have to help them with that we didn't go through, like social media and bullying and putting it all out there and people taking pictures we're navigating giving advice on something that we've never even had it go through. Right. So it it is really tough. I can't imagine. And if it even if we did go through it, our parents didn't know about it. Yeah, there's always the first, right? Yeah. I remember saying you maybe 'cause I care too much. You never care too much as a mother. That's like what you do. but her being able to be independent and not needing you as much is just proof of how good of a job being a mom to her Like her being confident to do what she's doing, to make plans, to have friends, to have a good social circle. you should be proud of her having a good time and enjoying because so many kids They get they don't enjoy these years. They don't find where they fit in and you'd much rather her be where she's at now than on the other because even though this side has like struggles, the other side is definitely a lot worse. I would never have thought to think that way at all. Right. I'm just in my own way right now and I'm not thinking about where you're coming from and how I should positively think about the the situation I'm in, right? Mm-hmm. So it was nice. It was refreshing and I left our our meeting. Like feeling much better, right? I mean I shed a few tears, But it helped me now look at it that way. Like view it that way instead of like negatively, right? Yeah. Okay. So now I have a new vo view point to look at, It's nice, it's refreshing. The other thing I was thinking about too is the trickle effect. It's not just the parents who are empty nesters, it's also siblings. Think of Aryan always having Riya around Made me think, Yeah, they have Breslin and they love Breslin. Breslin is their sibling. She cannot partake in the way a typical sibling can be. But I was thinking, man, Donovan and Laurel are super close that when he leaves, and she's younger, so I think that they don't really understand and process that very well. Right. Yeah. So it had me thinking, and I'm like, okay, stop. This is like a long time from here. You know, but it's not just us as empty nesters, it's for the siblings that left behind, but still there and they can't see you. mope around because they don't want to feel unimportant. You know what I mean? right. You have to be there for them. not only are you going to have such a big space but you're gonna have more time. So let's just redirect and stop sulking about, what am I gonna do with myself? what can I do with myself now? What are some things that I can do that I didn't have time to do before? Right. Right. You know, whether it's, gosh, I don't know when the last time I physically I I so embarrassed to admit this. I don't know the last time I physically read a book. Okay. And I feel so dumb because I know how to read. I know, but like Between my anxiety when stuff like I don't and you and you see all your friends like, which book is good, which book is good? And I'm like, Mm, I know what podcast is good, I know what like streaming things are good, but do that or start a hobby. I know that sounds so cliche. No but just do something, start reinventing yourself. If your life is just not a mom. That's true. This gives you time to focus on yourself, on your appearance, your health, your emotional balance, your marriage, your friendships. let them see you, not just be a mom. And and that I think that puts pressure on kids too, knowing that, you know, as a mom, I'm so dependent on my kid. That Kid is not gonna be able to live their life to the fullest because they're on the back of their mind they're gonna be worried about my mom's sad your mom is dependent on you, and you're you're on the back of your mind you can't enjoy things because you're like my gosh, my mom needs me. I need to be there. Or what is my mom doing? Like if they know that you have a life, I feel like they appreciate that more. And then they actually kinda wanna have your time and your attention too, right? Yeah. Like you are mom, but you're also your own person too. And I think you've reiterated that a lot too, right? Yeah, yeah. I mean, and this is when you need your girlfriends I feel like I need my girlfriends so much more now than I ever have. Mm-hmm. I'm aware of that and I think sometimes you know what's good for your friends. sometimes they're going through a moment and you respect it, but it's like, Okay, I know you kinda don't want to, but you're gonna have a good time and I've had so many people going through a rough time be like, Let's just go grab lunch and it's like, Wow, I didn't realize how much I needed this because you get stuck in your thoughts and then you I don't want to say depressed, but you just don't want to go anywhere. then you start getting anxious about going somewhere. Yes. So it's this cycle and sometimes it takes someone pulling you out to realize that. and then you're like, okay, this is even more helpful than me sulking about it and not talking to anyone about it. Right. And then you get advice, you know, you start seeing things 'cause when you're going through it, it's hard to have other perspectives. Right. And then it's also relatable that you're not the only one going through it, right? Like it's like, okay, it's not only you, other people are have their own forms of going through different things, So it it's it doesn't make you feel like you're the only one. It doesn't single you out, you know. Yeah. So And talking about it not only helps you feel better about it, but you never know what other people or what other resources by talking about it that you will come into. Right. I went to lunch with a couple of girlfriends. One of them is trying to find a nursing home in Dallas for her mother. The other one has a mom who's going through like early onset Parkinson's. And just having them talk about it, they were getting so many resources from each other and like, wow, you know, thanks for saving me this or like Don't go to this house. it's refreshing. So it's not embarrassing to talk about these things. If you're not going through it, you will go through it. and it's just helpful to have people around you, even if those people haven't gone through it. The fact that they're your friends, the fact that they can help you or talk you through it or just be there. Right. that's super impactful. Very much. the biggest thing is, like you said, Don't let them think that you're dependent on them. Yes. don't think of it as I only have two more summers. It's like, hey, what are we gonna do this summer before you go? Right. My mom is super, super independent. She's like, she does not need me in any way. I need her actually. I know. I I feel like I need my mom more now. 'Cause like, how did you do all this stuff? Yes. She's independent. She does her own thing. but I do have some friends that their parents are super, super dependent even at this age on them. like they are all about their parents all the time. they will put their parents before their own family. Mm. You know, just to like Now what do you think about that? I think that's unhealthy. I think so too, but you feel some sort of Obligation? Obligation. Where where do you think that's coming from? You you think that that's the kids feeling obligated or the parents making them feel obligated? I feel like it comes from the parents because the kids wouldn't know otherwise if you didn't put it on the the kids. you're yeah. I think you're right, yeah. I think that the kids won't feel obligated if the parents didn't put that in them. Why where would be a case where the the kid feels obligated and the parents don't? maybe they were really close prior to marriage a mama's boy and they always tell each other everything and call and I think that's that's maybe more of a codependency situation where I would feel like my husband was probably telling them more than me or appeasing them than me. I personally wouldn't like it. first of all, if you don't put your partner first, the marriage is always gonna have issues. Whether it's in the beginning or later, that has to change. So if it's not the parents like, hey, you know, put your wife or your husband first then the kid needs to speak up first. But like that, that relationship that you're talking about where the parents are put first than the other family members, like that would not work. I don't think it should work for anyone. that is a road to divorce for sure. Yes, or it's gonna lead that way. Or it's gonna be you're gonna hold things inside. And it's Because not only does your partner I would imagine your partner not feel they're number one, but your kids too. Because now you're also ignoring what your kids want and just appeasing the parents Right. Or other family members besides their p yeah. this momming and parenting, I think it's different between female and male kids is that y'all are really close and I I'd imagine even though me and Donovan are close, like having the girl girl relationship is a little bit closer. Yes. it is it is crazy navigating teens and their emotions and stuff. Riya I feel like she does a good job, balancing the family and the friends aspect. I'm not constantly telling her, but I'm letting her know that, culturally and everything, your family comes first, that you prioritize your family Whereas in other cultures and I'm just gonna be straight out and honest, I feel like some of her friends, they are never at home. Then that pressure put I'm like, no, no. We have family time, then we have friend time, right? But it's not all friend time and like you just ignore your family. Like that's not how it works. Right. and I'm sure if you're like it's family time you can't be constantly on your phone yes. I'm like, you need to be present It's been a long homecoming week and I'm exhausted. I feel like I haven't seen you and she cancelled all her plans said, I'm not gonna do anything today and spend time with us. Yeah. Happily. There's a difference. Yeah, of course, of course, yeah. They never want to be that it's so hard. you want to make sure that you don't force your kids. Mm-hmm. But you want to make sure those moments that they spend time with you, you make it fun for everybody, right? she wants to spend time at home. So again, that should reinforce you and knowing that she wants to spend time with you and the family. limitation and boundaries. That's how I feel. Well, you're doing an amazing job and I think for any mom struggling with the same thing, try to always spin it to a positive. not what about me always, but like what about them? You know, let them come into their light, let them make their own choices. Just make sure you give those resources and that knowledge. So that when they do go, you feel comfortable and confident with them. making their own decisions because they will. They're gonna have to make their own decisions in college, who they become friends with, who they trust, who they go out with, to sniff out any fake people or like users or just anything like that, you know. Right. As as long as they see you do that with your friends, mm-hmm, then I think they have a great radar on on how to navigate that stuff. Absolutely. that's that's where you know that you actually succeeded, that they're able to be on their own and succeed on their own. Yeah. And sometimes it is tough love, right? you can always be kind, but just remember Who your true friends are And if someone's being mean to you, there's so many other friends, just move on. Yes, absolutely. If people are mean to me, then I don't need to be friends with them. And I think just being a constant role model, and again, that turns into giving time for yourself, finding things that you want to do, start doing, I think that's I think that's amazing. You're gonna have to join belly dancing with me next. All right. Well that was our show. let us know how you feel if you're going through empty nesting or anticipating that, if that's soon on your radar. How are you coping and what do you plan on doing for yourself? Since, we're trying to live our best lives 'cause we have the right to Rate us and review us wherever you're listening to this. don't forget to follow us on Instagram @authenticallymoms and email us at authenticallymoms@gmail.com Yes. And do make do it makes you feel good. No permission, no apologies. And we'll see you next week. Yes. Bye. All right, bye.