Latest / The Daily Sarcast / April 9th, 2026: Amazon + USPS, A Record Hot March And My Recent Driving

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April 9th, 2026: Amazon + USPS, A Record Hot March And My Recent Driving · The Daily Sarcast

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  Today's episode is brought to you by waking up in your childhood bedroom and
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  forgetting where you are like you're in the hangover.
• 0:06
  This is how it goes every single time Trump says something insane.
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  He says, I'm going to kill everyone tomorrow at 5 p.m. We all freak out, and then he backs down.
• 0:15
  He's like, you know what, actually I'll kill everyone in two weeks.
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  And then we relax, and he forgets he ever said it in the first place.
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  He is the memory and the skin color of a goldfish. Jimmy Kimmel.
• 0:27
  Insert theme song here. This is the Daily Starcast. I give you the news and
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  maybe a laugh. I'm Lindsay Wernick and it's April 9th, 2026.
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  Hi guys, sorry for the incoherent sarcast this past week.
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  I've been working so much and I'm so exhausted and I listened back to them and
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  I'm like, oh my god, what am I saying? Was that real?
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  I told that to my mom and she was like, well, you sound like that most of the time.
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  Okay, well thank you mom thank you for that in real
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  news amazon just renegotiated its relationship
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  with the united states postal service it feels like watching the most toxic
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  couple take a step back but still share a lease so here's the deal amazon threatened
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  to slash how many packages it ships through usps by two-thirds unless they make
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  things better for them and usps is already clinging to Amazon,
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  like it's the last lifeboat off a sinking cruise.
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  Emma's like, well, what if we all just calm down?
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  They've now landed on a tentative agreement where Amazon only cuts deliveries
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  by 20%. So instead of a full breakup, it's more like they're sleeping in separate
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  bedrooms but still splitting utilities.
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  USPS will still deliver over a billion Amazon packages a year, which is insane.
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  But even that 20% drop still hurts.
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  USPS has been relying on Amazon revenue like it's a Venmo allowance.
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  Now the deal just needs approval from regulators, who I assume are just going
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  to look at this and go, cool, so everyone's still kind of screwed, but okay.
• 2:00
  The U.S. just had its hottest March ever, and not by a cute little margin,
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  even though it didn't feel like it in the Northeast.
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  According to National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration,
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  temperatures didn't just beat the previous record from 2012, they obliterated it.
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  March ran more than 9 degrees above the long-term average, which is basically
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  March showing up dressed like July and refusing to leave.
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  About 130 million Americans experienced their warmest March day ever.
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  So if you thought, huh, feels weirdly hot today, you were not being dramatic
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  for once. The West really went through it.
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  Ten states, including California, Texas, and Arizona, all had their warmest march on record.
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  Phoenix casually hit 100 degrees nine times in March.
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  Like, for context, before this, that had only happened once since the 1800.
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  So yeah, that's really wild.
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  And while the northeast was still pretending it was winter the rest of the country
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  was basically speed running climate change scientists say this kind of extreme
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  heat is becoming more common thanks to human-driven warming which is just a
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  polite way of saying we did this to ourselves.
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  And it's not just hot it's dry like your skin in february but worse dry nearly 60 percent of the U.S.
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  Is now in a drought, the worst stretch since 2022, that's already fueling wildfires,
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  including Nebraska's largest fire ever, because apparently 2026 is committed to the bet.
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  Out west, the lack of snow is messing with water supplies, especially the Colorado
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  River, which 40 million people rely on, and Lake Powell is dropping fast again,
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  like it's trying to revisit its lowest point for nostalgia.
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  The fun twist is that forecasters are saying to expect a lot more heat,
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  especially on the east coast, so if you were hoping for a normal spring, that's really cute.
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  So NASA's Artemis 2 is basically in its final act now, and the vibe has shifted
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  from, wow, the moon, to, okay, let's not die on the way home.
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  Four astronauts are wrapping up a 10-day loop around the moon,
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  and now it's all about the re-entry, aka the most stressful 13 minutes of their
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  lives and a lot of other people's lives.
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  So here's what's going to happen. there's this little capsule Orion and it's
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  going to slam into Earth's atmosphere going nearly 35,000 feet per second which
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  is a very aggressive way of coming home if you ask me then comes out the parachutes not one,
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  not two, but a whole squad like drogues, pilots,
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  and main chutes and they're all working to slow the capsule down to a gentle-ish
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  25 miles per hour splash into the Pacific gentle is doing a lot of PR work here.
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  Waiting for them is a Navy ship, the USS John P.
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  Murtha, where divers will fish them out and bring them onto something charmingly
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  called the Front Porch, which sounds like a southern grandma's house but is
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  actually a floating recovery platform in the middle of the ocean.
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  NASA says everything is going smoothly right now, which is exactly what we want
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  to hear, but they're also reminding everyone this is still a test flight.
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  So translation, we think that this is going to work out, and we're also about
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  to find out at the same time.
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  So yeah, if this all goes well, humans casually orbiting the moon will start
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  to feel normal, which is wild because nothing about this is normal.
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  It's just become professionally impressive chaos.
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  In Lindsay life, I've spent more time in a car this week driving to and from
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  my new job and errands for my new job than I have in the past four months combined.
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  The time of my most unhinged thoughts. Really early in the morning before coffee,
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  really late at night, after a 14-hour workday, mid-shower, and when someone
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  takes too long to text back.
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  Cooking tip of the day. If you're not sure it's done, it's not.
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  You're just tired of checking.
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  Feedback, comments, questions, a nice Jewish boy looking for a date,
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  email me at lindsay at thedailystarcast.com. Thanks so much for listening.
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  Talk to you guys tomorrow.