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Transcript

Unleash Your Inner Sexy · Gay Men Going Deeper

• 0:02
  Speaker A: Hi everyone and welcome to Gay Men Going Deeper, a podcast by the Gay Men's Brotherhood where we talk about personal development, mental health and sexuality. We are your hosts. We have Matt Lancadel. He is a counselor and facilitator specializing in healing and empowerment. Reno Johnston is a spiritual, life, love and business coach. And I am Michael D'Orio. I'm a life and wellness coach specializing in sexuality, relationships and self confidence. We each have our own coaching practice, but in this podcast we're sharing all of our best stuff and today we're going to be talking about unleashing your inner sexy. This is about what makes you feel attractive. So some of the questions we'll be reflecting on are what activities or practices help you unleash your inner sexiness? How do you balance acknowledging your own appeal and seeking that validation from others? And finally, what advice do you have for those who want to enhance their attractiveness? We will be continuing this discussion on the last Thursday of the month in the Gay Men's Brotherhood Zoom Hangout. This is where we give you guys, our viewers and listeners, a chance to share your own thoughts on the topics we discuss here. So join the private Gay Men's Brotherhood Facebook group and check out the Events tab to RSVP or make sure you add your email to our email list, which is in the show notes, and we'll make sure we send you the Zoom link the day before before the event. This podcast and YouTube channel are listener and viewer supported, so if you enjoy what we're creating, you can support us by making a donation to the show using the link in the show notes. Also, you could subscribe to get early access to episodes on Apple Podcasts and all of your support helps us to continue making content and supporting our community. So we thank you so much in advance. And finally, if you are looking to accelerate your personal development journey, please check out our coaching collection. It includes two courses, healing your shame and building better relationships, plus over 45 premium personal development coaching videos on topics relating to body positivity, relationships, self confidence and community. So head over to gaymengoingdeeper.com for more info. All right, here we are, unleashing your inner sexy. This is the third episode on the topic of our Month of attraction. So in previous episodes we've talked about attraction in the external sense. So what we are attracted to. But today we're holding up a mirror to ourselves and we're turning that gaze inward. We're going to talk about what makes you feel attractive, what makes us feel attractive. This is really Important to me. It breaks my heart when people describe themselves as gross or disgusting or ugly. It really does. I feel like a little piece of my heart cry when I hear that. I want everyone to have the capacity to feel sexy, and I believe this is possible. Now, what do I mean when I say the capacity to feel sexy? It means that feeling sexy or feeling attractive is available to you. And it's not that unrealistic. It does not mean, and I'm not suggesting that we need to feel sexy 100% of the time. I don't think that's realistic. I don't think that's possible. And I'm also not saying that in order to feel sexy, you need to adhere to any unrealistic standards of what is considered conventionally sexy by others. That's not what I'm saying either. Okay, if you're a regular listener of this podcast or if you follow my work, you know that I believe that sexiness is an energy that radiates from the inside out. We've talked about that a lot on this podcast. I am a confidence coach. I am a mindset coach. And. And without fail, I've seen this happen time and time again, and to myself included. As clients gain self confidence, they find it easier to feel sexy. As they gain self confidence, their capacity for sexiness increases with it. And this is an amazing thing. Even if they've done nothing to change their appearance, and I love that. So of course you can do things that, you know, make you more attractive. Like you can, you know, lose some weight or go to the gym or. Or get a nice new haircut. You could do all those things, and that will help you more sexy for sure. But doing those things on their own does not guarantee that you will feel more sexy. Trust me on this. There are a lot of guys that work out ten times a week that go to the gym and they still don't feel sexy. Why is that? It's because they're not doing the mindset work. At the same time, the feeling of sexy. That to say I feel sexy comes from a thought that you have in your mind. That's as simple as, I look good today. I like the way these jeans hug my butt. It's as simple as that. And that is where that sexiness seed is born. But it all comes from here, right? So the first step in this conversation is that I want you all to give yourself the permission to look good. It's okay, right? I used to think that if I. If I gave myself the permission to look good, if I acknowledged that, that I was being vain or that I was being shallow or that I was being arrogant or cocky. Instead, what I used to do is minimize my looks by maybe hiding behind my clothing. So wearing clothes that hid me instead of accentuating my body. I would shy away from photos, deflecting compliments. So if people did give me a compliment, I would be like, oh no, no, no, that's not me. Like I'd kind of deflected very quickly and I'd get very awkward about it. Or I would say self deprecating things about my, myself, my looks, my body, in a joking manner. But really it wasn't joking. So our goal today is to really help you unleash your inner sexy. Because whether you believe it or not, honey, it is there. You have to find it and that's what we're going to help you do today. There are a lot of reasons why that inner sexy might be blocked. You know, like we talked about, unrealistic standards for gay men to live up to in this community can make it very hard for you to feel sexy when the media and porn and social media is telling you that this, this one very specific look here is what is considered sexy. But that's not true. Right? But that's one of the reasons why it might be hard for us. Another reason is a lack of diversity. Same thing. Lack of diversity in porn and social media. It could be an inner self esteem issue, which is very common. Or maybe you were told that you are unattractive or ugly growing up and you've internalized that since then. That goes a long way. Or maybe you don't even like the word sexy. Maybe you don't want to be associated with that word because in your mind sexy is a bad dirty word and you don't want to be that. Right? So whatever it is, I want today's episode to be a turning point for you. I want you to be able to acknowledge that you do have the capacity to be sexy and that you are an attractive and desirable person. And who better to help us with this than our sexy ass co hosts, Matt and Reno? So I want to finish up this monologue and turn it over to them because they got lots of wisdom and sexiness to give. So the first question we got is what activities or practices help you unleash your inner sexiness? And today I'm going to start with Reno.
• 7:09
  Speaker B: I hoped you would, because honestly, if there's like an episode that I feel I was made for, it's this one. It's this one. And I, like. I want to start by saying, well, first of all, amazing opening. I love. I love how you broke down the layers of this topic and. And the. The layers of sexiness. And, like, one of the things that stands out for me is around the lack of. The lack of diversity and the way that, like, media and popular culture portray sexiness. Because I think that, you know, my experience was that I came into this world with a sort of, like, innocence, if you will, you know, not really conditioned yet by my external surroundings. And so immediately they're already like. There was already this sort of, like, radiance and beauty and, you know, and, like, I wouldn't have used the word sexiness at the time, right? But. But really, like, that was present. And then all of a sudden, the sort of, you know, the world starts to kind of close in on me, and there's this, like, tension and friction between me and the world, right? The world's like, oh, but you're this or you're not this or you're that, and you're not that. And my experience is that I really had to work to keep that at bay and continue to stand in my sexiness, my worth, my value, all of these things that we talk about on this podcast on the regular, and that, you know, that work continues. And so, you know what I want to say, and I love that we get to do this. I love that we have the capacity to do this is like, reinvent and recreate sexy, right? And, like, we've seen it happen again and again and again. It was like Kate Moss was, like, the standard of sexy, you know, like, real thin, white model, right? And then. And then in comes Kim Kardashian, right, Who's, like, not tall, not real thin, right? And. And I know, like, bringing her up is controversial, for sure, like, in. In some cases, and I can get to that. But, you know, there was, like, this new standard of beauty, which. Which I think was, like, also appropriated in some ways, but there was this new standard of beauty. It was like, oh, you don't have to look like this. You can also look like this. Shorter, curvier, etc. So the reason I bring all of this up is to say, like, sexiness is. Is like. Is like malleable. Like, we can. We can play with it. We can. We can recreate it. We can reinvent it. For me, there are so many activities throughout my day, some of them conscious, some of them unconscious, that I'm actively engaged in that make me feel sexy. And, like, just this morning, for example, it's like, when I wake up, you know, I put on sexy music, right? Music that makes me feel sexy on the inside. I do things like meditate and. Do you. I do yoga. I exercise, I go for walks, right? Like, I have this whole morning practice, and that really starts to. That really supports me and beginning to, like, cultivate and nurture and nourish that, like, inner. That intersection. Other things I like to do, I have this. And I don't know where it came from, but, like, after I get out of the shower, I'll come up to my room, I put my music on, and I will lotion my body from head to toe, right? And I moisturize, and it's like a whole thing, and it makes me feel really good. And I. I just shared that I did a Get ready with me, like, a really short one on Instagram this morning. And, like, that was another thing that made me feel sexy. You know, we have a poll in the living room, and last night I was playing on that as well, you know, and listening to. I'm trying to think, what was I listening to? It was. It was Sweet Dreams by Marilyn Manson, right? But sometimes it's Beyonce, and sometimes it's Nicki Minaj, and sometimes it's like, you know, Kid Rock. Like, it's. It's just a mix of everything, but whatever the. Whatever the mood calls for, right? And they're just. Yeah. There are so many other things that I'm up to, but really, I think, like, the more. The more I prioritize feeling sexy and being available for that energy, the more it seems to be my experience. And now it's kind of become second nature, you know, like, it's. It's not something that I feel that I struggle with. And maybe the last thing I'll say, I could riff on this for so long, but it's like. I think the last thing I'll say about it is that it really is a practice. It really is a practice, you know, in a world where there are so many opportunities to have that, like, that flame, like, you know, snuffed out, it really is a practice to wake up every day and choose to be available for sexy, you know, and to choose to be. To be sexy. Right. So. Oh, there's probably so much more I want to say, but anyway, I'll leave it there.
• 13:40
  Speaker A: We got lots of time. We got lots of time.
• 13:42
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 13:43
  Speaker A: Thanks, Reno. Yeah, that's good.
• 13:45
  Speaker C: Yeah. Yeah. Thanks to both of you for. For that. Stimulating. I'll start off by saying sexy is, well, sexiness. And inspiration are the two feelings that I absolutely love the most. Out of all the feelings that we can feel as human beings, I would say sexiness, like feeling desired. That's a big part of sexiness for me, is feeling desired both by myself. Like, I feel desirable and then I feel desired. It's just like, really conn. Yeah. And then I, When I, when you asked this question, I. I first thought of like, okay, like, what gets in the way of me unleashing my sexiness? Because this has been a big part of this for me. So I wanted to share a bit about my story. I grew up being validated a lot for my appearance, and I took that on and ran with it. And I never actually did a lot of the deeper seated work to be able to feel confident. Like you said, Micha, intrinsically it was. Everything was externally focused for me and it was very much ego. So I got into fitness. I had a really nice body and I. I never felt sexy really ever, like, unless somebody was validating me and telling me I was sexy. And, you know, a lot of the work I've done in the last few years has really helped me realize that what was snuffing out my flame was a core wound or a core belief that I have that I'm not enough just as I am, right? That I have to do something in order to be enough or I have to offer something. And a lot of that came from my body. And I think some of that came from growing up with two parents that were very concerned with their body. They were in into fitness and stuff, but I think a lot of it came from the gay community and just being really validated for that. And then that was really what snuffed out my flame. So this feeling of sexiness is actually fairly new in the last few years. And it's been like a really beautiful thing because I've really cultivated a lot of like, confidence around like, truly who I am, like, you know, and feeling sexy for my ideas, like, you know, intellectual sexiness and emotional sexiness and these sorts of things. So I did make a little bit of a list here. And actually, well, so the two things that I that I stay away from now is comparison. So I don't follow any accounts of naked dudes or ripped people or fitness accounts or anything like that because it's just. It's not health healthy for me. It's not. It's not where I thrive. So that's a big part for me is staying away from comparison because my sexiness is very Unique to me, it's 1 in 8 billion. And so is yours, Reno, and so is yours, Michael. So comparing myself to somebody else is absolutely going to not bring me to the place that I want to be taken to. And then secondly, not trying to be like other people. Right? Because if you see someone, someone else's flame and you're like, I want to be that flame so I can be desired, you know, for me, it's like I'm not drawn to people like that. I'm drawn to very, very individual people. And, and I like being an individual. And I think that's what makes me sexy too. So that's kind of the, the, you know, the pain points of this. And I want to just talk a bit about what makes me feel sexy. And I think primping, primping makes me feel sexy. So I have a morning routine and, you know, Reno says I'm curated. And it's very true. I'm like that with my appearance too. I like to make sure my hair looks good and these sorts of things. So that's, that's important to me. So primping and self care, you know, taking care of myself, showering, something about the shower and the water running on my body, like, I feel sexy in the shower. It's a great place to explore sexiness, for sure. Another thing is mirrors. And I like to dance and I like to perform. Michael, you've been to my house. So you see that I have the mirrors on all the sides. That's fun for me. I spend 99% of the time in my home naked. So that is also another aspect of connecting. Connecting with sexiness. Nudism for me isn't really sexual. It's like, it's natural, right? But there is an element that it can be taken into the sexy or sexual realm too. So I like to explore with that a lot. And I think for mirrors too, like, there's something about mirrors. Like, I. Like, I have a big giant mirror in my bedroom too. And like, if I'm ever having sex or these sorts of things, it's just like something that I enjoy. And it's not really like a, like an ego thing. I don't think it is. It's like, it's more like a. Seeing the reflection of myself and like being able to enjoy and embrace my body in all of its. Its ways. There's something about that that can be really arousing. And then the same thing with other guys. Like, you know, seeing the act of sex when you're in it can be really hot too. So that's, that's really dancing I think is a big way that I've learned to embody and connect with my body. The ways that I would dance prior would be very much hyper, concerned about how I looked and, and I learned through ecstatic dance actually to let go of that and to just be in my body and be fully embodied while I'm dancing. And that has helped me connect with, with sexiness. Silk is also such a sexy material. I love silk. It's such a beautiful material and something about silk on my skin makes me feel really sexy. Taking pictures and videos is also something too. It's very arousing for me and I love exchanging those with like, you know, connecting with guys that you think are cute and like sharing photos, taking photos or something. Very arousing. I think I'm a bit of an exhibitionist when I, when I think about it, I, I like, I like that. I like being seen, which actually feels uncomfortable for me to say because I think I've denied myself that for a long, long time. But I actually really like visibility and I'm learning just in the last year to like be more comfortable with visibility, like, and more so being visible in my brilliance. I've always dimmed my light and you know, so self massage is something that brings me sexiness. So that's why I laughed when you said you were lubing up with cream. Like here's something about that too. It's like, yeah, I don't know, I like that slippery kind of. That's also sexy too. And then the last one I have here is cosplay. So I really actually enjoy playing dress up and, and like in casual clothes. Like I love like looking good and wearing nice things. One of my favorite things to do is going shopping and buying new clothes and like that because I love clothes make me feel they're a strong expression of who I am. But like costumes just in general, like I would love to have like a dress up box and like, you know, me and my partner dress up and role play and things like that because there's something about like entering into another energy or playing a character that you can really play with different levels of sexiness. And so yeah, those are mine.
• 20:59
  Speaker A: I love these. I love that you guys had so many good creative ones. I'm hoping that people listening are like, oh, I didn't even connect that to being something that could unleash my sexiness. And that's the whole point of this, right? Like there's, it's not about Trying to fit into one little standard over here. It's really about finding what works for you. So thank you guys for sharing some really good creative ideas. So I borrowed this question from my men's group. We do a whole week on body image. And this is an exact question that we talked about there. And so I knew you guys are going to say a lot of the ones that were already here, so I'll say some of them that you. That worked a lot for the guys in the group. Number one was dressing the part. So what you had just said there, Matt, like, just wear. And this is not about wearing clothes that you think you have to wear to look sexy. That's not it. It's wearing clothes that you put on and you're like, oh, this makes me feel good. I feel good in this. I like, like I said earlier, this. I like the way this hugs my butt. I like the way my chest pops. Whatever it is, it's about that not saying, oh, that's what so and so is wearing. So I gotta wear the same thing to be sexy. That's not at all. It's not going to make you feel sexy at all. Right. Another one was yes, movement. And this one is big for me. Music. I could listen to a song, and all of a sudden, whatever it is, that song just has got me moving and grooving in a way that I just naturally feel sexy. And nothing has changed about my body except for that the song is flowing through me. I think our senses. Matt, you talked about silk. I think our senses, like, there's a lot of sexiness through that, through smell as well. So a good scent for me will definitely make me feel sexy. If I find something that just is kind of earthy. I love earthy scents. If I wear that, I will just naturally show up in a different way just because I can smell that. And that makes me feel good. And then grooming. Yeah. Like, even animals groom themselves. We are mammals, right? So this makes perfect sense. Doing your hair, having a nice shower, lotioning, rubbing yourself, doing some manscaping, whatever that is, all that stuff can make you feel good. And this is not vain stuff, guys. This is just natural human tendency and desire to want to tend to this gift that is your body. And there's nothing wrong with it. And then one more thing that I would add is movement for me. So whether that's, yes, dancing, but also, I mean, like, if I go for a walk or if I go for a bike ride or sweating or going to the gym, like, you know, getting My body moving in that way also makes me feel really good after the fact, like getting a good sweat on in whatever way that might be. Even if I'm just doing chores around the house, like, that sense of working makes me feel sexy afterwards.
• 23:27
  Speaker C: I like that. I like sweat.
• 23:29
  Speaker A: Yeah. So. So, yeah, take your pick. And there's so many more. There's so, so many more that we probably didn't even get to hear. So, again, if you're listening to us or watching us on YouTube, please drop them in the comments. I'd love to hear from you what makes you feel sexy. Let us know.
• 23:44
  Speaker B: Yeah, can I. Can I piggyback on what you just said, Michael?
• 23:48
  Speaker A: Yes, of course.
• 23:48
  Speaker B: Yeah, that. You know, it's interesting, this distinction between sexuality and sexiness, because, like, there was in everything that we shared just now, like, like so much of it was unrelated to sex, you know, and yet we're talking about sexiness. Right. And I find that so. I find that so interesting. And I just. I think. Hold on, I'm losing my train of thought here, but there was something that I really wanted to say. Oh. Sexiness isn't about sex. And yet we're making love to ourselves and to life when we're engaged in sexiness practice. And when we're engaged in actively being available for sexiness, you know, it is. It is kind of an act of making love, as I see it, to ourselves and. And then to life, you know?
• 24:53
  Speaker A: Yes.
• 24:54
  Speaker C: I love that.
• 24:55
  Speaker A: Yeah, it's. It's really about loving you. Your energy, your body and. And in a way that's not vain or arrogant or cocky. Like I said at the beginning. Right. You have to really give yourself permission to. To feel that for yourself.
• 25:06
  Speaker B: Totally.
• 25:07
  Speaker A: All right, let's talk about validation. I think this is China important. Peace. We could probably do an entire episode on this, but we have to be fair. I talked about this a lot. So feeling attractive and then getting validated for it are not the same thing. You could think to yourself, I look fucking great today, and then walk out of the house and get zero validation for that thought. Nobody could look at you, say a word to you at all. And this is where I think things get tricky because it's hard to believe it's when you have never been told that or when people don't regularly tell you, oh, hey, you look good. So I'm not going to deny a validation externally is an important piece of the puzzle. It makes things a lot easier when you constantly get validated that, oh, hey, you look good, you're so sexy. It makes that. It makes it easier to tap into that sexiness. But, and I want to underline this, it is not the only piece of the puzzle. I said it is a piece of the puzzle. It is not the puzzle. So this leads us to our next question. How do you balance between acknowledging your own appeal, your own appeal as a sexy, attractive, individual. Individual, and then also seeking that validation from others? Reno.
• 26:17
  Speaker B: My daily practice. And, like, I'm probably going to wear this out because it's just. It's everything. It's like my daily practice sets the tone for my day, who I'm being and how I'm responding to everything that happens throughout my day. And so, like, to me, there's nothing sexier than a morning practice because I go through that, I love myself first. I fill my cup first, and then I go out into the world. Everyone gets the overflow. And if I go out in an outfit, if I've done my morning practice and, like, my cup is full and I've taken the time to love myself and I go out into the world in an outfit that, like, I personally selected because it made me feel good and nobody acknowledged it, like, it doesn't matter to me because I, like, I feel good. And in fact, even if someone was like, you know, gay or whatever, you know, like, whatever they say, like, it wouldn't. It wouldn't, like, it really wouldn't phase me. Or the bounce back would be. Would be fairly quick, you know, because I had taken the time to cultivate that inner space. And so I think that's like, a really important piece now. The other thing is, like, when I'm being sexy, for me first, everything else is just icing on the cake, you know, it's like someone pays me a compliment on my outfit. I'm like, great. That's awesome. Like, you think I look good? I did too. When I left the house this morning, I. And I feel good as well. You know, there's a cherry when I'm on stage at the club. Here's another place this shows up, right? Like, I. I vibe off of external feedback. So, like, I'm on the stage at the club, I'm dancing, I'm like, really feeling myself. And sure, like, sometimes if people aren't looking, like, I'm aware of that and it might kind of. Or, like, responding, it might kind of reduce the energy within me. But also, if I come back to center and I'm just, like, fully present and engaged in the dance and in my body and in the music, like that's kind of irrelevant, but there is this really cool magic that happens where I'm dancing and I'm, like, really in my element and in my energy. And then all of a sudden, I can look. I look around and there are people staring at me and they. And they, like, gravitate towards me, too. It's wild. And I've seen people. I've seen men who have come to the club with, like, their girlfriends or their wives, and they're like, these guys are, like, gravitating toward me, you know, they're, like, in my orbit and watching me, and it's really just this fascinating thing. So I'll say, like, I love when I'm on stage dancing and people are, like, looking and watching and gassing me up. I love when I go live on social media and the numbers are climbing and people are watching and responding and engaging and. And also I notice there is a slight feeling of deflation when that's not happening. But because I'm in the practice of cultivating that energy within myself first, and I know where my center is, it doesn't take me out like it used to, because it used to take me out, you know, and it was hard to bounce back. And that's because I didn't have a practice and I didn't have the awareness. So the. You know, the last thing I'll say on this is, like, I don't think there's any shame in being externally validated for wanting external validation, like, loving it, soaking it up, basking in it, you know, like, that's great. Just know that you're also a space for external critique and criticism as well, you know? And also know that, like, you don't need that. It's. I relate to it as icing sprinkles on the cake. The cake is already here, you know, Like, I'm cultivating that every day. It's already there. This is just a bonus, right? That's how I relate to external valuation.
• 31:04
  Speaker A: Yeah, I love that. And it definitely makes it easier. And so much of what you said, I think a lot of people can relate to. But I see this a lot where that external, especially as you. When you talk about the likes and the followers. Oh, my gosh. People love that. That dopamine hit. That comes from that, and it's so extremely validating. But the problem is if you. If it's not balanced, then all of your eggs are in that one basket, and as those start to not even go down, but as that tapers off, you're, like, scrambling like, oh, my gosh, do more, do more. I need to post another selfie or I need to do this again, or I need to perform even more. And it gets very exhausting. That's why I love that way. You said it, Reno. Which is even when it does go down and it will inevitably, you. You are like. It's a soft place to land because you've done the work. So really, really good point there. I think that we could probably do an entire episode on this topic, but let's go to Matt. How do you balance the. The. Both the self validation and the external validation?
• 31:57
  Speaker C: Yeah, this is a hard question to answer. For me, I've had to really think. But I just want to say touch on what you guys just said about, you know, when you are so externally motivated and that's like say 95.5%. You're 95 external. Like, the wind's blowing you around. You're not anchored, you're not rooted. You're not grounded in yourself. So as soon as the attention is taken off of you, you know, you collapse. And then you. You're looking, okay, what do I need to do? How do I need to create my next thing so people will like me? It's very. It's very egotistical, and it's. It's very deflating. And it can be. But again, it, like, plays on the wounding. We all. Most of us have, like, core wounding around. I'm unworthy. I'm not good enough. I'm unlovable. So we do these things. We. We start to perform for the people around us. And it actually reminded me of this. The story. I was driving a couple days ago, and it was at night, and I was coming down into downtown Calgary, and there was these girls that were standing out of the sunroof of their. This suv, and they, like, took their shirts off and they were in their bras, and they got to be, like, 18, and they were, like, performing and dancing and they started making out together and all this stuff. And, like, they were doing it purely for reaction, and it was so cringy. Like, I was like, ugh. It made me feel I had, like, vicarious embarrassment for them. You know what I mean? I was like, I hate that feeling. And I was just trying not to look at them because they were trying to get my attention. And this is. Just reminded me exactly of this, right? Like, they're young. They wanted the world to tell them that they're beautiful and that they're wild and. And these sorts of things. So anyway, to bring it Back on, on topic. So I struggled with this tremendously. And okay, add in being an empath, being gay, having wounding around, not being worthy, and then, you know, getting the validation from the gay community around my appearance, these sorts of things. I became very 95% and 5% and I had to go through a massive transformation and a healing of learning how to internally validate. And as an empath, a lot of my, like where, when, when I usually feel sexy in my relationship is when my partner feels sexiness towards me. So I'm very governed in my relationships and during sex as well by my partner's arousal. That's also what makes me more demisexual too. So when I feel my partner being engaged and moving towards me, it makes me feel engaged and want to move towards them. It's a very interesting thing. And I think a lot of empaths actually experience this because we are usually big O, little S, right? Little self, big other. We have a very other centric focus. And until you develop a stronger sense of self. And I would say that's more of an empath that has codependency and struggles with that. But a lot of empaths struggle with that throughout their life. So as we develop more, you know, big S and big O and we have a. We have this balance, I think, you know, that tends to, tends to show up for me. But I've also learned, okay, like where I would say I'm at now would, you know, depends on the day too. But I would like to think I'm 50. 50. I've learned how to really internally validate. But I'm also, I love external validation. Like, I'm not gonna lie. I love when people validate me, when they like my content, when they tell me I'm doing good. You know, I'm connecting with a guy right now and he's so affirming his. He loves words of affirmation. He tells me that I'm attractive in these things and I'm. It butters me up. It makes me feel good, you know, so I'm definitely not going to deny myself that because it's a beautiful thing. And I think I'm actually learning for the first time in my life how to, how to truly receive compliments. You know, it's like I've always brushed them off and been like, oh yeah, whatever. But I'm truly learning to how to receive compliments. And not just about my appearance, about, you know, just me, just my gifts and my energy and what I offer into the world. So that's an important part of it. And then so internal, I would say, you know, I'm, I'm learning and this is a big part of for me is learning how to honor my needs. Little s. Big O. My whole life it was other people's needs are more important than mine. How on earth can I develop confidence which I think is a precursor to feeling sexy if I'm always focused on other people's needs and not my own? So I've, I've been learning how to have balance in other people's needs are important and so are mine. And I think that's a really, really big, big, big part of it. And then because for me, sexiness is an emotion, I've had to learn how to feel right, like feel sexy, feel confident. It's an embodied state, it comes from inside of us. And for me it's like a heart centered thing. So you know, prior to, you know, when I was more dissociating and still stuck in trauma brain, like I wasn't feeling sexy, I was stressed out, I was, you know, trauma brain is like not sexy energy at all. It's like that's probably why I've struggled so much with feeling sexy is because I've had a lot of trauma brain and I'm like, you know, so now you know trauma. When I say trauma, I'm meaning like fight or flight, you know, being suspicious of the world, being in fear. Like that's not conducive to sexiness energy. That's, you know, sexiness energy for me is relaxed, it's calm, it's flowy. Right? You're able to receive like that's what I'm, you know, now coming into is feeling able to connect with more, more of, of that side. So I will say actually it's, it's interesting. I would say sexiness for me is more feminine. Like when I say feminine I mean like yin, like yin energy. I can experience sexiness in my masculine energy, but it's definitely for me I think is more feminine. When I'm in my feminine, I'm receptive, I'm able to receive and I do like it when, when a guy is in his masculine and I'm in my feminine and he's nurturing me and he's adoring me and these sorts of things. That's what really makes me feel sexy. So, so it is kind of a balance. I've had to do the internal work of learning how to be in my feminine and now I'm starting to receive from the external world What I've cultivated internally, it's matching. Kind of feels like there's a plug now they're plugged together. So yeah, it feels like just the beginning for me really of like, of sexiness from a truly authentic embodied place. So I'm excited. What the future holds for me.
• 38:04
  Speaker A: Yeah. You're super sexy. Both of you.
• 38:08
  Speaker C: Thank you.
• 38:09
  Speaker A: Yeah. Not, not just in the looks, but like you said, it is an energy. We say this all the time, but it's so true. This is a hill. I will die.
• 38:14
  Speaker C: So energetic.
• 38:15
  Speaker A: Yeah. Like sexiness has not, not a lot to do with how we look. It's really the radiate, the way we radiate ourselves into the world.
• 38:22
  Speaker C: Yeah.
• 38:23
  Speaker A: All of these things that you guys said are great. I, I also love the external validation who doesn't really like, really. And it feels great. But, but yes. I, I have also had to learn when that doesn't come in or as I said, when it plateaus, like I notice, oh like there's that feeling of oh my gosh, like the world is going to sink out from underneath me. Right. And it's really interesting because if you feel that then that's, that to me is a sign. Okay. We need to practice the skill of self validation and we've hopefully we've given you some really good ways to do that. I'll add, I'll add a few thoughts on this is, you know, just because people don't say it doesn't mean they don't think it and doesn't mean it's not true. Right. So just because they don't say, oh, you look good today, does not mean you don't look good today. Like there's. That's two different things. It could be very true. Just because it's not just because it hasn't been said. And also you don't know what they're thinking. They could think it. Right. Someone like me could be looking at you, just kind of looking and you're not noticing because you're stuck in your phone and I'm thinking that guy's so fucking hot. But I'm not going to walk up to you and be like, hey, excuse me stranger, by the way, you look hot. I mean, unless I might actually do.
• 39:26
  Speaker C: That, I was going to say sounds like something you would do.
• 39:29
  Speaker A: That is something I would do actually. Yep. And also keep in mind it's. It's the circles you are hanging out with. Right. So if you hang out with a really shady gays that don't affirm you and aren't loving, then be careful with that because if you're hanging out with shady people who are going to like talk about you behind your back and, and be mean, like it's really. That's going to have an effect on your self esteem. We did a Chosen Family episode with My Chosen Family. I guess this would have been now a few months ago by the time this is airing. And we talked about that. We talked about how we are very shady with each other. We are a shady bunch, but deep down we love each other. Right? So, so also keep in mind who are you hanging out with? And you know, ask yourself, are these people affirming me or not? It doesn't have to be like a partner. It could also just be your friends who tell you, hey, you look good today, or good job on that, on that thing you did. And when it comes to the physical side of things, I love mirror work. I give this exercise to my clients a lot. And I'll give you the Coles Notes version of it here. It's to spend time with yourself looking at yourself in the mirror, preferably naked, preferably a full length mirror. And notice, of course the first things that are going to happen for most people is they're automatically going to go to the critical things. My belly's too big, my, this is too flabby, this is too soft. This should be, I wish I was bigger. I wish I was this, I wish I was that. That's generally going to be the automatic response. So the first thing is, the first step is to just look at your body and be present with it, trying not to have any opinion of it whatsoever. Just neutral. Like, oh, there are my toes, there is my penis, there are my thighs, there's my knees. Look at that. Like, just trying to be very neutral as you can about it and just be present with your body.
• 41:15
  Speaker C: Yeah, I love that.
• 41:16
  Speaker A: Yeah, you can't really go from like critical to love in like an instant. I find you have to kind of go through neutral first. And then as you can spend more time just looking at yourself, being with yourself presently in your, with your body in the mirror, then you can start saying, okay, what are the areas that I actually like? What are some things that aren't so bad? And again, you kind of climb up this ladder. It's, it's very step by step. And then eventually you can get to the things that you do. Like, like, oh, my arms look good today, or oh, I like the way my penis is hanging today, whatever it is. Right. And, and that's a Fun way to do it, because you can develop that relationship with your body that really is about you, and you are developing a relationship with yourself through looking through that mirror. Not that compare and despair where you see some guy on Instagram and then you're comparing your body to that. That generally isn't going to be helpful unless you're using that image to inspire you. And for most of you out there, I'm pretty sure you're not using that image to inspire you. You're using that image to, like, bash yourself over the head with the I'm not good enough story. All right, so are you.
• 42:25
  Speaker C: I'm curious. Before we move on, how are you shady? How did you. When. I'll obviously have to watch that episode. But what. What. What were.
• 42:33
  Speaker A: Well, we're just a bunch of shady gays. So, you know, like, we'll. We'll tease each other a lot. We. We make fun of each other. You know, we'll. We'll poke fun of each other with. Even with the way we look and stuff. But we know because we call it, like, this brotherly and, like, it's chosen family, right? And these guys are like my brothers. And we really do act like brothers. And so we'll tease each other. Like, we'll give each other, like, a hard time sometimes. We'll razz each other, but that's just part of our family dynamic. And so even if we, like, you know, make. Make fun of somebody or something they're wearing or, you know, people, they'll call me a slut all the time in a loving way. And I know that it's not out of malice, but at the same time, we also do tell each other when we look good. Right? So it's like, oh, I can tell you've been working out today. That shirt looks really good on you. Or, oh, man. Like, you know, you're. You're looking fine in that outfit or. Oh, my gosh, I love. I love this look on you. Like, we'll do both. Yeah, just. Just so that we know. And then, of course, we know each other's really true. Soft spots, pain points, and we just know not to touch those.
• 43:32
  Speaker C: That's good. So that would be shady for me. Like, what you're describing is more, like, playful and fun. Like, and I actually, when I was in Toronto, I experienced your crew like that. It was actually really cool to see that. But, yeah, shady for me would be, like, malice and manipulative and, like, you know, being jealous and talking shit behind your back and stuff, which I. I've had experiences of that within the gay community and it's just so toxic.
• 43:56
  Speaker B: Yeah, it's not sexy.
• 43:58
  Speaker C: No, it's not sexy at all.
• 44:00
  Speaker A: Definitely not. All right, guys, before I wrap this one up, what advice do you have for those who want to enhance their attractiveness?
• 44:08
  Speaker B: Okay, so I got a list and I'm going to try to keep it brief because I feel like with every single one of these I could go into detail and they might surprise you too. But like, so we've already said a lot. Be curious, right? Be compassionate. Be curious about yourself and others. Be compassionate toward yourself and others. Be genuine. Be interested and interesting. So don't, don't just, don't just be interesting. You know, don't make it all about you sexiness. Like there's something really sexy about someone who's interested in somebody else, in other people, in, you know, the person sitting across from them. That's really sexy. Sexy. You know, and like the things I've listed so far, the beauty is that they're all accessible. Like curiosity, compassion, genuineness, interest. Like, they're all accessible. Prioritize yourself. Matt talked about this earlier. You know, prioritizing your needs, your health, your body, your mind, your soul, your time. You know, there's something sexy about someone who makes themselves a priority, right? And prioritizing your sexy, obviously, whatever that means to you, like, figure out what that means to you and what that looks like for you and make it a priority. There's a few more. Slow down. That's a big one. Slow down. I've been. And not just in the bedroom, but in life. Like there's, I have this mantra that I, that I use. Icons, don't rush. Icons, don't rush. Slow down. It's sexy. Cultivate an environment that supports and affirms your sexy or the experience you want to be having. And that's both internally and externally. Right? So like we were talking about just now, who are you rolling with? Like, who's your crew? Do they gas you up or do they like drain you? You know, do they affirm your beauty, your brilliance, or do they diminish it? If they diminish it, well, get new friends quick, you know, and we have a whole community of people where you can find some new ones. There's an this one self concept. It's huge, right? And like, this is a whole conversation, but self concept is a big one. Like what, what is your concept of yourself? You know, and how can you begin to cultivate one that reflects your sexiness? What language are you speaking? To yourself, what are you consuming? And the last one here was, what are you feeding yourself? So that's a big one. You know, what you're feeding yourself informs your self concept. If you're consuming content and food and, you know, like the environments you're spending time in are not reflective of the sex. Do you want to feel. Change it up. Time to change it up. And if you need help doing that, boom, boom, boom. You know.
• 47:14
  Speaker C: Yeah.
• 47:14
  Speaker B: There are three people right here that can help you. So. Mic drop.
• 47:19
  Speaker C: I was just gonna say that. So funny. That was a mic drop moment.
• 47:23
  Speaker A: Rewind that and listen to that again, guys. That's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks, Reno.
• 47:29
  Speaker C: Yeah, you hit on some really good things. I'll try and put my. My own spin on it because you said a lot of the things that. That I would have said. But embodiment, I think everything starts with embodiment and presence. So presence with self leads to presence with others. You know, when we are present with ourselves, we exude confidence. When we're present with others, we make them feel good and then they're drawn to us. So presence and on embodiment, so key. If we're dissociated, we're in our mind, we're not actually present. Like, it's just not an energy that people are gravitating towards. Next, boundaries. Boundaries are so underrated in the sense of that them leading to attractiveness. Like a man who knows what he wants, understands his needs, and is boundaried and like, leads you into, you know, how he wants to be treated. Like there's nothing more than have, like feeling that self efficacy around. Like, I know how to make someone feel good, right? It's like there's something really good about that. So in relational dynamic, like having boundaries, so, so important. And you know, I would say 99 of the people I work with, that is usually one of the things that always comes back to is my boundaries suck. And that's why my relationships are challenging. And that's why I don't, you know, feel worthy. It's like, you know, a lot of us don't learn about our needs and boundaries and be able to implement them in healthy ways. So that's really important. Do what you love and what makes you feel good without giving a. What people think. If you love dancing on a pole, great. If you love drag, great. If you love hiking, great. Like, do all the things that make you feel good and quit following other people. Like, that's just such an unattractive quality for me. Like, be your Own person, right? And just own that shit because it's just so important. Like, so celebrate your uniqueness, right? And I guess why we don't do that is because we have shame, right? So shame tells us we got to be like everyone else because we don't want to stand out. We don't want to be shamed. Release that. Release your shame. Do some work on that. And own all of your desires, right? Like, we all like. Like I said, we. There's. There's 8 billion paths to sexiness, and we all have our own really unique ways of feeling sexy, of. Of what we find sexy in other people. So just own that, right? There's nothing to be ashamed about in. From my perspective. And then the two. The two aspects I would say, again, kind of more foundational things around attractiveness and sexiness would be humble humility. I always say that whenever we have these episodes, like, not. There's nothing attractive about somebody who, you know, needs validation from people. It's like the girls hanging out the sunroof, like, yucky. You know what I mean? Like, that's not attractive to me. Like, just be humble. Be in your body. Own what you're doing. So important. And then the last thing I'll say is compliment others. Like, it's just so underrated. Like, I know it sounds reversal, but it's like when we compliment other people and we make them feel good, it. Again, it's what we give out into this world comes back to us tenfold. So when we tell somebody that, oh, you're looking sexy, you're looking good, right? We're. We're exchanging positive juju, and that positive juju comes back to us. So I think it's really important to let people know when you think they're looking sexy or they're looking attractive. It's. It's always nice to receive a compliment and to give a compliment. So that's my. Those are mine.
• 50:49
  Speaker A: Love it, guys. These are all so, so, so good. I wrote them. Like, I wrote some of these down on a piece of paper for myself. So thank you for sharing that. Yeah, I love that you said that, Matt. The 8 billion paths to sexiness. That is a key takeaway for our viewers and listeners here. We have that path. And if you are not feeling as sexy as you want to feel, the good news is there's lots of ways to get there. And the solutions are a mix of internal. And when I say internal, I'm talking mindset, Changing the way you think, feel, and feel about yourself. And also the external Things. Right. Like we talked about, the things you do, the people you're with, the activities, and even. Yeah, like, working on your body to actually get into the kind of body that you want or that you're going to feel sexy in. But just know this external only does not work. Like we talked about at the beginning. It's got to be either internal only or internal and external, which I think is the most effective or. Sorry. In that said, but not. Not external only. For those of you who like journal prompts and journal questions, I'm going to put a few. I'm going to leave you with a few of them for you to reflect on this. And if you're feeling brave, please put your answers in the YouTube comments or if you're on Facebook, on the Yeoman's Brotherhood Facebook, then leave your answers there. So first question for you. This is what I would give some of my clients. Why don't you feel sexy already? Answer that. That kind of gets to the. The. The. The pain points. Two, when have you felt sexy in the past? And what were the circumstances around that? Love that. And the third question I would leave you with is, what would it take for you to say, damn, I look good today? Okay, so I'm going to leave our viewers and listeners with some homework there and also talk to people. Right. Like, this has been a bit of a theme. Like, at the end here is talk to people who are on the journey, have friends, family, loved ones who. Who you can talk to about this stuff. Again, we. We see this a lot in our GMB Zoom hangouts, the monthly hangouts when people come together and we talk and we share. It just makes things feel better. Like, you're like, oh, you're going through that too.
• 53:02
  Speaker B: It's sexy. It is.
• 53:05
  Speaker A: It totally is. Right?
• 53:07
  Speaker B: Yeah.
• 53:07
  Speaker A: And so, you know, talk to people, talk to us, talk to your friends, get in the Facebook group, share your experiences with one another. This is. This is a beautiful thing, and it is a sexy thing. Thank you, Reno. Yeah. Okay, so any last words before we wrap up?
• 53:23
  Speaker B: Yeah. I've been dying to say this. I have this gray sweatsuit that I like, trot down the street in or walk around the house in. It's probably the thing I wear the most. It might stink right now because, like, I have to do laundry later. I feel so sexy in this gray sweatsuit, you know, like, and. And I say that to say, like, sometimes it doesn't even matter what you wear, you know, like, it doesn't have to be this, like, fancy designer thing or Whatever. You know, I sexiest in a cutoff and sweatpants sometimes. You know, that's like the thing. It's the most basic outfit and I feel the sexiest in it, you know? So, yeah, that, that. I'll. I'll leave you all with that.
• 54:06
  Speaker A: Beautiful. Matt, how about you? Last words?
• 54:12
  Speaker C: No, I feel complete, actually.
• 54:13
  Speaker A: All right. All right. Well, thank you to my sexy ass co hosts Matt and Reno. So much sexiness, so much wisdom. And for me, wisdom is sexy, by the way, so, yes. Yeah, that goes hand in hand. All right. For our viewers and listeners, thanks for sticking with us on this one. Please save this episode and listen to it again. This is one of them that I think you're going to want to kind of keep in your back pocket for when you want. And sexiness. Listen to it again. I find every time I hear an episode, I get wisdom that I didn't hear the first time or I hear it in a different way. So please do that. Also share this with a friend or someone who you think could use a little bit of sexiness in their life. We're. We are building a community here, and we would love your help and support as we are sharing these messages of empowerment, love, and sexiness throughout the gay community. To help us do that, you can also give us five stars. All your ratings and reviews help us, especially the good ones. So please do that wherever you're listening to this podcast. If you're on YouTube, if you're not already subscribed, please hit the subscribe button and the little bell notification so that you will be notified every Thursday when a new episode comes out. And that's what I have for you guys today. Oh, and if you're in the Facebook group, please join us on the last Thursday of the month where we'll be talking about attraction.
• 55:28
  Speaker B: You're all sexy.
• 55:30
  Speaker A: You're all so sexy. You know why? Because you're listening to this podcast. All right, thanks, everyone. Have a good one. Bye.