Latest / ShameOver - The Drink Less Podcast / How to Know If You Have a Drinking Problem — Real Recovery Tools That Work
Transcript
- Erica + ShameOver: Alright, welcome back to ShameOver. I'm Eric Mallery, and if you haven't heard part one with Alex from Clarity Circle, please go back and start there. But if you are all caught up, buckle up because this episode is packed. We are going to be talking about the question that Alex asks everyone who is unsure about their relationship with alcohol. We also dive into the real difference between wanting change and committing to it, which there's a huge difference, even though it's so slight. And also why the all or nothing almost never sticks We're also getting into something that I think about constantly, and how our phones might be the next addiction, hiding and plane site. So this one is full of tools you can actually use today. Let's dive in. alex: it didn't mean that I then didn't have to justify when I was going to events, why I wasn't drinking, when I was going Erica+ShameOver: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. alex: out with clients for lunch or when I was meeting clients and there was drinks, why I wasn't drinking, when I was going to parties, why I wasn't drinking, because it was like, it was out there. Everybody knew. So nobody then offered me alcohol. So nobody then, you know, questioned why I wasn't dreaming Erica+ShameOver: Yeah! alex: and it was it was taking the power away from Erica+ShameOver: 100%. alex: But it was hard. It was a hard mental battle to be brave. Erica+ShameOver: I mean, it's hard to be brave. It is very hard to be brave. That alex: Yeah. Erica+ShameOver: what you described is exactly why my business is shame over because there is so much shame and especially when it comes to drinking or, you know, like any type of recovery, there might be like a big, big piece of it is shame. And so taking that out of it, that that's being brave is taking that power back. alex: Yeah, and it is and I love the name because it is it's take the shame away from it because every single person in their life does things that they might regret. Every single person doesn't get everything right all the time. Every single person makes mistakes. And that's okay. That is okay. You know, is okay. you know, I Erica+ShameOver: Well, exactly. And the whole thing with... Go ahead. alex: I was going to say, and I do talks in schools and colleges and stuff, and I always say to all the kids, would you speak to your best friend or your teacher how you speak to yourself in your head? And they'll look Erica+ShameOver: 100%. alex: and go, no. And I go, so why? Why? Why do we have to be biggest self-critics or the biggest judges in our own brains? compared to how we actually speak to others or treat other people. And if you're honest and open and basically accept and speak about it, you get a lot back, get a lot back. Erica+ShameOver: I feel like you'll really like this but one of my things alex: you Erica+ShameOver: that I use is BYOB be your own bestie Because it is there is literally alex: I like that. Erica+ShameOver: one person that you will spend your entire life with only one and that is you and if you don't love that person then work on loving that because that I Mean I've dealt with so much shame and so much throughout my life that I finally realized like If I don't love me, who else will love me? And it was when I met my husband that he loved everything about me, know, the good, the bad, the very ugly. And I'm just like, my God, if this incredible human sees that in me, like, I, you're right, I am pretty awesome, you know, but it like, it took him alex: Yeah, good. Erica+ShameOver: showing me that mirror for me to fully accept it because I felt like, you know, like, maybe it's just how a lot of girls are raised, but it's like, you don't want to be too much. You don't want to. There's so much in there that sometimes you do need that mirror shine back at you to be like, you're right, I am great. But it all starts inside. alex: Yeah, and it does, and it doesn't, you know, I remember feeling really uncomfortable when people say you need to love yourself. And it's like, okay, so let's just start step by step. Let's just start by stop speaking negatively to yourself. You know, let's just notice it at the beginning that actually I'm speaking negatively to myself again, in my head, you know, so let's just notice it, notice it, then we can start working on. you know, trying to stop it, stop it and it's step by step. And the thing is, when it comes to all these changes, mental health and everything, everybody wants everything constantly. Everybody wants to click the fingers and you know, it all be perfect. It's amazing to that. And I work on myself daily. I put time into basically assessing how I'm feeling. What's going on? Am I in a good place? Is anything really bugging me? know, etc. Is there I need to do differently? Have I done anything that I shouldn't have done? And you know, and that's, you know, just a little routine I have. And then, you know, there's a couple of non-negotiables for me that, you know, exercise three times a week, because I know it's great for me personally, my mental health. You know, seeing friends, family. you know, actually having a little bit of downtime, you know, balancing it all. And it's about finding that what works for you, isn't it? Erica+ShameOver: Yes. Well, and I love it just shows how much balance really is coming through in your life because it wasn't working out every single day because some people just get they go from one thing to the other and then they like have a new addiction and it's like, I see that so much that I'm you know, like, I did it myself. Every single person I've worked with. It's like, once they're focused on not drinking so much, then they're spending more time on social media or they're snacking more or, alex: Yeah. Erica+ShameOver: you know, shopping more or whatever it is that it's just like, Okay, that it's very normal, it's natural, it's gonna happen, but that is not dealing with it. It's just moving it someplace else. you alex: Yeah. Erica+ShameOver: know, and it can be exercise, can be, it can still be healthy things, but healthy things can still turn bad too, or be too much. alex: Yeah, I know. Erica+ShameOver: So that balance piece is so, so important. alex: Yeah, and don't get me wrong, my previous life, nothing was in balance. I'd either basically train seven days a week, twice a day, Erica+ShameOver: Mm-hmm. alex: or didn't train at all. And I was always the all or nothing. I was like that. Erica+ShameOver: me too. alex: All or nothing. So when I've come into the second coming, as I call it, Erica+ShameOver: Yes. alex: now it's all about that. I get like, want to join again, I want to join again. No, no. You know, you just do it and what you always used to do, which was basically, you know, trying to utilize anything to like, you know, get out of balance. And it's like, no, put yourself back in balance and just steady, steady. Nothing changes in a week or a month. It's like step by step, step by step. yeah. Erica+ShameOver: Yes. Especially things, things that took years to build, you know, like talk about the wanting things to change quickly. It's like, alex: Bye. Erica+ShameOver: you've been, you've been doing this habit for decades and you all of a sudden want to put in a week's worth of alex: you Erica+ShameOver: effort and think that it's like going to be done. Like, we would all love that, but it's not going to happen. And, you know, having that understanding can also help take some of the pressure off that, you know, because sometimes we feel like we get it and then all of sudden crash, you know, it's like, okay, that is normal. alex: you Erica+ShameOver: It's going to happen. Just come back to it. The sooner you can get back alex: you Erica+ShameOver: on track, the better. alex: Yeah, and you've got to think that if we set ourselves unrealistic goals, where if we say, right, I'm going to train five times a week, as soon as we fail, then we want to give up because we feel like we failed. So I keep it at three, but I allow one of those three to be a walk if it needs to be so that I can always hit my target. So that even if I had to do two walks and one lot of training, that's okay, because they Erica+ShameOver: Yes. alex: know it's sustainable. I know it's manageable. And I know that in seven days, I can do one training session and two walks, no problem. And Erica+ShameOver: Yes! alex: it's giving yourself that what is realistic and what is sustainable, not setting yourself, you know, aiming for the sky or for the stars and hitting the sky. That's where it's dangerous. Erica+ShameOver: Yep. Yes. Well, and that's, that's always been my approach is the small micro changes I will take all day long over the super big leaps because that is what's going to be sustainable. If you want this to be a lifetime change, not just, you know, it's basically a fad diet verse like a lifestyle change. You, if alex: Yeah. Erica+ShameOver: you want the sustainable change, it's the smaller steps are going to be so much easier to stick with. And. it's easier to get back on track and stay motivated. alex: Yeah, exactly, exactly. Yeah, it's a big, thing. Erica+ShameOver: Yeah. So I am, I'm very curious because thank you again for sharing your story and everything. You brought up some of the non-negotiables. I have some too. One thing I wanted to point out was your need for connection because I feel like a lot of times, and maybe it's just the stage I'm at in my life. it's, know, getting together with girlfriends can be very hard to do consistently. but we are made. to do life together and community and support is so imperative. So I love that when you're non-negotiables is getting time with friends and family. what, how, how do you, like, what does that look like to you? How do you make alex: you Erica+ShameOver: that happen? How do you stay consistent with that? alex: Yeah, and it's a great question. It's a great question. And I think one of my biggest battles was I didn't like being on my own. In my previous life, I didn't like being on my own because I'd have to be inside my own head. And that was a dangerous time for me. So when I first came into recovery, I realised I needed to make changes. I needed to make changes, you know, to basically, because I couldn't just carry on doing, you know, what I'd been doing and expect to get a different result. So I went into a local boxing gym and I volunteered and I went and did my coaching badges and now I coach twice, two or three times a week now. But Erica+ShameOver: music. alex: at the beginning, just like me, was there, I wanted to be there every single night. And I had to have a word with myself and go, right, this is not a balance. This is now, you know, this is not a balance. So it's like, and I had to go through that phase of speaking to myself and going, step away a little bit. No, leave it tonight. Let's go, you know, another night. And now I probably do twice a week. And I've got... a lovely balance, but that took me a little bit of time. I can't say I've got it perfect at the beginning. I'm not going to, you know, and, but I noticed, and I think the biggest thing for me is noticing, you know, some of your own habits. Cause if you notice them, you think about it and you realize, going back to doing old stuff. So, and then I was like, right, no. And now I actually really enjoy it because if I'm really doing twice a week, it's, you look forward to it. and you look forward Erica+ShameOver: Yes! alex: to being around everybody. It's not a chore, not, you know, it doesn't feel like it's too much, you know. So, yeah. So that was one of the big things that I chose to do. But also it made me committed to something. it made me committed so I had that, that I would be out, being part of the community twice a week at least. And then obviously I always see either a friend or family once a week and that's one of my things. I make an effort because all of us, too easy. It's too easy to go, I'm busy, I feel a bit tired or not tonight, I'm not gonna go and you know, like tonight I'm meeting a friend and we're gonna go to the gym together and you know. that's amazing. So we'll go to the gym, we'll have a good catch up, we'll have a chat, we'll train and you know, that's our thing. And that's amazing. But it's putting those things in and then sticking to them. Because it's Erica+ShameOver: Yeah. alex: too easy, like you said before, to basically go, I feel like I've got too much arm, I could easily, you know, not go. And we all go through that thing. And I remember When you're having those feelings, one of the therapists I spent quite a lot of time with, he always said to me, do the things that you don't want to do. Erica+ShameOver: Hmm. alex: You know, when you sit there and go in, and I know that when I've pushed myself and done those things where I've gone, I can't be bothered tonight, that I've always gone, I've had a really nice time. Really enjoyed it, really enjoyed it. So glad I went, so glad I came, so glad I did it. and it's just having that little bit of motivation to push yourself a little bit. Erica+ShameOver: Yes. Well, and one thing like when you were saying that you now do like two days a week is kind of what you you found is the good balance for you. When you do that, you're able to show up so much more intentionally and you're more present because if it is something you're doing every day, like even for me, I was in a working out like five times a week, probably. And it was, you know, it was definitely like I never afterwards like, I wish I hadn't done that, right? But it was just so mindless. Like I was just there. And know, granted, I'm glad I did it. Glad I got the workout. But I also got very burnt out, where I'd rather go show up a couple, you know, two to three days a week and be much more like, focused and intentional alex: you Erica+ShameOver: and present when I'm there and not just like zoning out, right. But it's, know, again, alex: you Erica+ShameOver: all even healthy things you can do not in the best of ways. alex: Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah. 100%. It's like, you know, and I know that I am all or nothing in terms of like chocolate sweets. And if in the line along those lines that if I'm not careful, I can basically end up being too much. Yeah, yeah. Erica+ShameOver: yeah, that I have two young kids. So, the amount of sweets and alex: you Erica+ShameOver: snacks that we have around the house. like, intentionally didn't have these at the house for a reason, but I'm just like, it's fine. Just, I also look at it like it is my job to show them you can have them at the house and be around them and still have them in moderation because growing up, I never really had that at my house. And I totally understand. Cause you know, my mom's like, no, it's there. eat it. But. In my mind, like when I would go babysit, people would have all the junk in their house. I would just like binge out on the junk because I didn't get it at home. I'm like, wow, this, this I get it. get it. So I'm trying to do the opposite and actually have it in the house and be around it mindfully. So, you know, some days are better than others. alex: Yeah, it takes time. It takes time when you don't always get it perfect and that's okay. That's Erica+ShameOver: Yeah. alex: okay, but as long as you're working towards it and you're aware of it, then that's fine. Erica+ShameOver: Yes. So how did you get this huge transformation from being someone who didn't talk about their feelings, probably had very little self-awareness to where you are now? Because that, like you said, your second coming or whatever you refer to it as, that is a huge difference. alex: Yeah, and to be fair, I'm very privileged in the fact that I spent five months in total in rehabilitation across the world. I was like in different places and I spent five months of actually stepping away from the whole world effectively and working on myself. It was in three stints, it wasn't all in one go. Erica+ShameOver: Sure. alex: So my first stint I describe as... proving that I didn't have a problem. The first 28 days were basically, yeah, no, I haven't got a problem. I haven't drunk for 28 days now, so I'm absolutely fine. Erica+ShameOver: I'm good, yeah. alex: My second stint was a three-month stint solid. And because I did so much work on myself, did my inner child, I did absolutely everything. Very emotional, very draining, very sort of deep. But then I convinced myself that I'd fix myself because I was the problem, the drink wasn't the problem. So I'd fix myself. So I was like, well, I'm fine. So, you know, this is like the madness of it all, obviously. And then obviously my third time, accepted, I just accepted that I describe it in your brain as a barometer. If you go past the point of no return, there is no way back. And it's just about accepting that, okay, I've gone too hard for too long and I need to now just accept that that is me and find a way of living with it and find a way of dealing with it. Just as if I had a peanut allergy, I would have to find a way. Or if I was diabetic or if I was anything. You know, it is no different to anything else than analogy. And all I've got now is that I have analogy to alcohol. That's how I look at it. And I can't have it because very sadly, I'm like Pringles. know, once you have one, it's like, once you pop, as they used to say, you can't Erica+ShameOver: You can't stop it. Yeah. alex: stop. And that's it. And I just keep it very simple. And just acceptance, acceptance that there is a part of my brain that has gone past the point of no return. And there's no shame in that. There's no shame in that. And it's good to be accepting of it and good to Erica+ShameOver: Yes. alex: actually be real because People always say to me, well, do you still have thoughts and feelings about it? And I say, yeah, of course I do. I spent 42 years drinking, not drinking, but I spent 27 years or whatever it was drinking, partying and all the rest of it. Yeah, of course I still do. Do you still get it speaking to you? Yeah, of course I still have it speaking to me in my brain. When it comes at the weirdest and the strangest times. and you can be having nothing for a couple of months and then you you might just be cutting the grass and all of a sudden it'll be like fancy a beer and it's like where on has that just come from? Erica+ShameOver: Well, yeah, let's, let's talk about that because I feel like that is so common is some triggers were prepared for, but a lot were not. They're kind of out of the blue. Like you said, where, mean, as soon as you said that to me, totally makes sense. Like there was probably a connection there, but so how have you managed in those situations to obviously in your case, not drink. alex: Yeah, my biggest thing has been to actually allow the feelings. I always say, and I've always said this for the last so many years, I can't control any thought, what thought or feeling comes into my brain. I just can't control that. Any thought or any feeling can come into my brain or my body. But I have a choice as to what I do with that thought or feeling. So... And I look at it in dead simple terms that the longer I sit with that thought or that feeling, and the more time I give it, the more I can process it and actually think about the thought or the feeling compared to the reality. And then, you know, once you play it through and you actually think about it, and I actually think about the bigger picture as to what I've been through, where I've come from. how hard it was to get myself out of the mess and it was incredibly difficult. It is not easy. For anybody who says that getting clean and sober is easy, at the beginning it is not easy. It takes work, it takes dedication, it takes motivation, it takes discipline. And it's a day at a time. And I think I'm just... actually sit with it, the thoughts, the feelings. And then I'll have a little debate with myself about, okay, so yeah, we could do that. But then let's be actually real about what's that going to lead to? You know, because if I had one drink, I know it'd be like, has running, you know, we're out of the traps and off we go. And I know also, that then would come trying to manipulate, trying to lie, trying to like, you know, question would I tell anybody that I'm going to drink? Would I not tell anybody? Then you're already back to starting to lie. Then it's like, you know, would you have another drink? And then, you know, would you lie about that? I'm like that. Then it's like, well, and potentially if I had one drink, then I'm going to want two, then I'm going to want four, then I'm going to end up having, you know, 20, then, you know, God knows what could happen. Then it's like, and all of a sudden, I'm a month down the line, I'm on a four-day drinking bender, I've got nobody speaking to me and I've got that horrible anxiety and nothing and I'll just go, maybe not, maybe not. Let's just be Erica+ShameOver: Yes! alex: nice and steady, balanced and in a good place. Yeah, let's just be happy for today. Erica+ShameOver: Well, and it's, I mean, it's being starting to force yourself to get comfortable being uncomfortable. Because alex: Yeah. Erica+ShameOver: that's so much of it. Like drinking solves the problem of not having to be uncomfortable. It does, plain alex: Yeah. Erica+ShameOver: and simple. That's kind of the purpose of what it's doing. But if we can just force ourselves to be uncomfortable, one thing that I've noticed, which it sounds silly, but I'm sure it's the same there as it is here. I'll be at the grocery store or something in line to check out. Everyone is literally on their phone. We cannot be in a two minute checkout line without scrolling. And I'm just like, how long you practice being uncomfortable for just, just two minutes, two minutes. alex: you Erica+ShameOver: That's all we're asking. Like, you know, but it's like our devices have turned into such a controlling addictive thing that, know, to me, I'm like, man, maybe I should shift my drinking business to technology alex: Yeah. Erica+ShameOver: because that's where, you know, everyone's going to need it here. but it's, it's just fascinating to me to see how impossible it is for people to be uncomfortable. And unfortunately children, like what do we do as soon as the kids are twining here, take my phone, you know, so alex: Yeah. Erica+ShameOver: I have been very hyper aware of that. But the reason I'm bringing this up is everywhere I look, it's people trying to avoid any sort of discomfort. And that alex: Yeah. Erica+ShameOver: is to me what the true pandemic is. And it all is. alex: It's definitely Erica+ShameOver: not being able to feel comfortable. alex: going to come. It's definitely going to come very sadly because, you know, it is that addiction to constantly being stimulated. It's that stimulation. It's like, well, what's that? What's this? What's that? And it's distracting away from actually real life and what's going on. And I guess we still have a I've always had with my son that whenever we go for dinner, we put our phones away. So we'll Erica+ShameOver: I love that. alex: sit and actually have interaction, no phones, you know, just chat. So for that hour, two hours, it's just no phones, it's interaction. And whenever I go to the boxing gym, my phone goes in the cupboard and I don't go on it for the two hours. And it's so nice. It's so nice, know, that actually, no phone, actually just life, you know, Erica+ShameOver: Mm-hmm. alex: but it's so hard to do for people because if you don't have your phone, you feel like part of you is missing and it's, it's, Erica+ShameOver: Yes! No, exactly. It's like a limb now. alex: yeah, it's ridiculous. I guess, again, I'm privileged that in the five months that I spent in rehab, wasn't allowed a phone. So, you know, I got used to actually, just being in the world without that device and that stimulation and that. And you do, have to basically have normal conversations and you have to actually interact with people and you have to actually go and keep yourself entertained and do different things. And actually it's a lot better way of doing it. Erica+ShameOver: Part of me is really interested in getting the old school phone that does not have access to internet or anything. My purpose is to be able to contact people and then contact me. That is it. It is not for anything else because I'm just like... I don't know if you're familiar with it, but a highly sensitive person, deeply feeling whatever, I am very much on that spectrum. And so I notice if I'm on my phone more throughout the day, even if it is for work. because I typically don't scroll like just mindlessly on social media or anything, but the patience I have with my kids is so much less than the days that I like basically am not on my phone. It's insane. Yeah. alex: It's crazy. It's crazy, isn't it? It is crazy how much of an impact it has on you. Erica+ShameOver: Yeah, and it doesn't feel like it because it's not, it doesn't seem like it's doing anything, but it's all in our brain and the dopamine and everything that's going off. alex: Yeah, and all the algorithms are designed to like stimulate you and send you here and stimulate you here and you keep coming back and it's just like absolutely crazy. Yeah, Erica+ShameOver: It is. alex: and I actually would advocate having no phone time. Yeah, just because actually it's nice. Actually it's real. Actually it's Erica+ShameOver: Yeah. alex: like, you know, and if you can't do it, then you need to ask yourself, well, why can't I do it? Why do I feel like I have to have my phone? Why do I feel like I can't put my phone away for an hour, half an hour? You know, Erica+ShameOver: Yeah. Yes. alex: it's like, why, why? And that's, know, just be aware of it. Be aware Erica+ShameOver: Mm-hmm. alex: of it. it's, yeah, I actually find it empowering not to have my phone sometimes. Erica+ShameOver: Yes. We, my, my kids even are, anyone in our house is allowed to call no phone zone and all phones need to be put away. so we'll do it, especially like if we're watching a movie together, cause they're like, even if we're watching a movie, they notice if you're distracted on your phone, you know, so like kids will call no phone zone and I'm like, okay, here you go. So it's, it is very alex: you Erica+ShameOver: empowering, even though, yes, it can be very difficult at times. it's like you said. when it is difficult asking yourself like, why is this so hard for me right now? alex: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's just like literally just beginning to be aware of it. That's the first step for me, being aware of stuff. You know, you don't have to think, well, I've got to fix everything straight away. If you can start with awareness, then you can start basically making steps from that. And that's so important. It's so important. Erica + ShameOver: Alright, that conversation is exactly why I love talking to people who have actually done the work. Because as you're probably learning, it's never about perfection. It's about awareness and one small step at a time. So if you walked away from this wanting to reassess your own relationship with your phone, your habits, or your drinking, that is the whole point. Just notice it. That's step one. Next time Alex and I close things out by talking more about Clarity Circle itself. The mission behind it, why free access will always matter to Alex, and how to find the community and connection without alcohol being at the center of everything. So until then, drink on purpose. Erica+ShameOver: If you feel like things are just insane right now, you're overstimulated, over everything, completely dysregulated by all of life going on with back to school, with summer going into fall, all of that stuff, you're definitely not alone. I do something called self-tember every single year. I look forward to it so much. My body literally craves it. And it is a month to really just focus on number one. Now, this is not adding more to your to-do list. I know you already have so much there and you're definitely not on it. I can say that from my own personal experience. But this is about picking one thing. I go with you really deep so that you can focus on it and build these lasting habits that will not only change throughout your September, but from here on out. So if you are interested, I will provide the link in the show notes. Please check out self-temper and join us if you're not sure about it. You definitely should join. That's the that's your body's way of saying yes, yes, please. So if you really want to find a healthier relationship, not only with alcohol, but yourself, there's so much to look forward to. So I hope to see you on the inside. Cheers.