Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 41: Breaking Through Denial

Transcript

41: Breaking Through Denial · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

0:00
Hey everybody, got a question for you.
0:02
Do you know what the first stage is of overcoming home pulsive
0:08
behavior? What the technically the first
0:10
step is? So we're going to talk about
0:12
today. It's actually called Breaking
0:14
through the Nile. So let's jump into it.
0:21
Welcome to Beyond the Facade podcast.
0:23
I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and I'm thrilled to have you join me
0:26
in this space today. What we're going to be doing is
0:27
diving deep into the trials and triumphs and truths of seeking
0:31
authenticity. Becoming your true self isn't
0:34
about a single action or a moment.
0:36
It's a relentless pursuit, a commitment to self that reveals
0:39
the rich connection and meaning that our life has to offer.
0:42
So whether this is your first time tuning in or you're a
0:45
regular listener, know this. What you're building here goes
0:48
beyond a conversation. You're here to challenge, to
0:51
change, and to celebrate the incredible journey of becoming
0:54
your authentic self. Because when you dare to show up
0:56
fully, the rewards are immeasurable.
0:59
So welcome to Beyond the Facade. Let's get started.
1:03
Alana is hanging out with me today.
1:05
I'm very happy about that. I'm happy about that because we
1:09
get a chance to share a little bit more about what we maybe
1:13
talk about. Then you guys get a chance to
1:15
share in that experience of some maybe some behind the scenes
1:19
conversations we have the people usually say can be rewarding.
1:22
I want to tell you about an experience I had being around
1:25
some men in the recovery journey.
1:27
We got talking about it like where does this journey start?
1:30
Like how do I find know if I'm on the path?
1:32
They're like, OK, what's the first step?
1:35
And we got talking about Patrick Carnes model and 1st part is
1:40
breaking through denial. And we actually have a few
1:44
things that you can measure because it's nice to be able to
1:46
measure something and be able to say, I think I'm making some
1:49
progress here, really actionable things.
1:52
And you can just sit with them and measure them and go, OK,
1:55
what does he like look like? For me when I was with these
1:58
men, one of the things that happened is he came in to this
2:02
setting like really kind of like empowered and excited and it was
2:07
great. And when he said, by the time we
2:09
got done with the conversation, it felt heavy for him, like
2:11
super heavy. So when we talk about denial,
2:13
like really what we're talking about is levels of awareness.
2:17
So when we become more aware of something, it can have a
2:19
tremendous emotional impact on us.
2:21
So anyway, we're just going to give some measurable things
2:23
today. I really love that.
2:26
I love that even you started by laying the foundation of the
2:29
levels of awareness because denial is one of those really
2:34
tricky ones that self denial is real.
2:39
And a lot of times when we're in denial, we have no idea that
2:42
we're in denial. And I'll see that with both
2:45
partners that there'll be levels of denial.
2:48
And sometimes it's levels of things I'm not yet ready to see.
2:53
And then sometimes it's things I'm not willing to see.
2:56
And so a just laying that foundation of levels of
3:00
awareness is each time we come to additional level of
3:05
awareness, it gives us the opportunity to keep growing and
3:09
get additional levels of awareness.
3:11
But we can't get forward and all of a sudden be at the end and
3:17
just have all the information. And so this truly, truly, truly
3:21
is a journey. And so if step one is breaking
3:24
through denial, I just think it's one of those things we
3:30
can't check a box with. And so I'm a little nervous
3:34
where we have this checklist. It's good.
3:37
It's a good checklist. But if someone's sitting down
3:40
and like, OK, give me the answer so I can check the box, that's
3:43
not really what today's about. I don't think you're going to
3:46
like the answers not talking about you.
3:47
Or maybe you can take it if you want, but I don't think these
3:52
answers are fun to hear. Like I'm part of me wants to go
3:54
like, how long are people going to hang on through this
3:56
recording, this podcast? Who is anybody going to like
3:59
skip forward and say I'll go to the next one?
4:01
I know I would have wanted to for sure.
4:03
And by the way, I don't know if this is funny or not, but one of
4:07
the guys asked me that I was around.
4:09
It was a group setting. He's like, OK, So what it was it
4:12
like for the your story, Luke, with the breaking through
4:14
denial? How did you know when you were
4:15
out of denial? I'm like, that's a great
4:18
question. I'll totally let you know what
4:19
that's like when I get there. So I don't know because I can't
4:23
see what I don't see yet. I don't know that it's theirs.
4:27
The only way I'll be able to see it if I set myself up to being
4:30
ready to see it. And and that's like why it's
4:33
layered is because how many times I'm speaking to the
4:36
betrayed partner, how many times you like this is so clear, why
4:40
can't you see this? And it's and you know, and it's
4:45
an emotional experience that seems so plain to that person.
4:50
But for that person that's in compulsive behavior, they
4:53
haven't set themselves up to see it.
4:56
They frame their world to not be able to see it.
4:59
So. In I'll just say that I think
5:02
there's three elements that I just want to highlight.
5:06
First, you have to want to see past the denial, right?
5:10
There has to be some kind of desire of I want to lean into
5:16
this hard work, which is the second piece.
5:18
You have to be willing to do the hard work that comes out of
5:21
denial because you don't just instantly come out of denial.
5:27
There will be work and effort on your part to do so, which means
5:31
element #3 is you're willing to be in discomfort.
5:36
Because denial is there for a reason.
5:39
Like the reason our brain and body has denial is to protect us
5:43
from things that are harder and comfortable.
5:46
Because the brain is hardwired to avoid pain.
5:49
And so we have to be willing and ready to do the work, to lean
5:54
into it and to face the discomfort of it.
5:57
Oh, it's so good. That's so good and one of the
6:00
things I love that you do along as you're like always pointing
6:02
out like everything that it seems like just as bad pointing
6:06
out. Well, actually there can be a
6:07
helpful I don't know, I want to say like good twin to this
6:12
experience. Can denial ever be useful?
6:14
No, I won't speak so much to addiction right now, but short
6:18
term emotional protection, right.
6:20
If a person experiences trauma, devastating news, there can be
6:24
levels of denial that can be really important to have some
6:28
temporary stability inside of that.
6:30
So just recognizing, and we'll talk about it today.
6:33
We can't just throw something completely out because it exists
6:37
for a reason. OK.
6:38
So should we get into the different ones, Alana?
6:40
Yeah. OK.
6:42
These are the things that you can mark, you can measure and
6:44
you can look at and you can go, OK, I'm going to look at myself
6:47
in the mirror and I'm going to go, where am I at with this?
6:50
OK, Yeah. Personal Assessment.
6:52
Of personal assessment, right? And we're going to hopefully a
6:56
lot and I will speak in a way where there can be some
6:58
opportunity to see it without necessarily pulling all the
7:00
shame into it. OK, so the first one is is like
7:04
that you take full responsibility without
7:06
justifying or minimizing. All right So do you acknowledge
7:11
your behaviors without making excuses?
7:14
I like to call them even more than just excuses reasons.
7:17
The reason there's a reason I did that, right?
7:19
There's a reason I behave that way, and I think often when I'm
7:26
talking about behavior and I throw in the reason behind it
7:30
and it keeps me safer from seeing the impact of that
7:33
behavior or knowing how it impacts me.
7:35
It impacts others. It means that there's a level of
7:38
denial there. Yeah, that's an interesting.
7:43
I I hadn't thought of it like that.
7:46
So if I do something that hurts somebody else and then I'm
7:51
trying to show the reasons why I did that, at some level I am
7:56
trying to not see that full impact because the impact is
8:01
painful for me. Painful.
8:04
Yeah, because and I it's like AI don't know what is it.
8:08
It's sugar coating, putting frosting on it.
8:11
What is that called? Sugar coat it It's I don't even
8:14
know what I'm talking about right now.
8:15
There's that put lipstick on it where it's, hey, I know I hurt
8:19
you, but I want to share with you.
8:21
There had good intentions behind it.
8:23
There was a reason for how I showed up or it just it keeps me
8:28
away from the like you said, the pain Alana of what's going on.
8:32
I get to keep a distance from it.
8:34
And we won't go too deep into this concept, but intent versus
8:38
impact, if we're focused on the intent and ignoring the impact,
8:44
then at some level there is going to be some self denial
8:48
that's happening in there. And I'll give you the one that
8:51
comes up often with us is when you do full disclosures, I'll
8:54
use the word, I'll use the, I'll genderize the man because the
8:57
ones I'm typically working with, he will write as a Full
9:00
disclosure and he'll put the behavior and then he'll without
9:03
really even consciously noticing it, he'll say things like the
9:07
reason this happened is I was stressed or I was feeling shame.
9:11
And so there's a reason behind there.
9:13
And, and as long as that exists, it's harder for him to actually
9:16
see the behaviour. OK, so that's one piece of
9:21
taking responsibility. The other one is, is that you
9:23
can own your actions, your past actions, without shifting blame
9:27
to someone else. So it gets to just stay about
9:31
you. It doesn't end up being about
9:33
somebody else. Yeah.
9:36
And not just shifting the blame to another person, but it could
9:40
be to your family of origin, to your upbringing, to your
9:43
circumstances. And there's a difference between
9:49
understanding the elements that play into it and excusing
9:53
behaviors, an explanation or an excuse.
9:57
So there are explanations that play into a lot of people who
10:01
have addiction come from a rigid upbringing or they come from
10:07
having early exposure to trauma. And so while those are
10:10
explanations that make sense of choices, they aren't excuses for
10:15
choices. But when we are using those past
10:18
actions, using those other things as excuses for behavior,
10:21
then we absolutely are still going to be in it, in denial.
10:25
So I don't know if this is the ripe rabbit hole on them, but in
10:27
the work that you do as a therapist, when is it
10:29
appropriate for somebody to be able to understand the reasons
10:33
behind the behavior, not the excuse for the reasons behind
10:36
the behavior versus when is it just denial?
10:40
Like when is it? Does that question make sense?
10:43
Yeah. And I guess the simple answer is
10:47
it depends. But I think like I use this
10:51
analogy with clients a lot is I want to imagine that there's
10:54
this table in front of us and on that table, we're going to put
10:59
different things on the table and we're going to look at all
11:02
the different elements. But we're not going to hide any
11:06
under the napkin. We're not going to push things
11:07
off the table. And so being in denial is I just
11:12
don't want to look at certain things, right?
11:15
They're there, they're on the table, but I'm hiding them under
11:17
the napkin. We're pretending they don't
11:19
exist. But instead it's like, no, let's
11:23
lay everything out on the table. And then when we have it laying
11:26
out on the table, then we sort through and figure out what
11:30
order do we want to address these different things and what
11:33
level of importance and what energy do we want to give them.
11:36
And somebody who has trauma in their childhood and they're
11:41
acting out is heavily based on the trauma, is a direct result
11:46
of it that we are recreating the trauma today.
11:50
I might address that trauma in a lot different way than if I have
11:54
a client who had something traumatic happen, had some
11:59
therapy in childhood and that still is an impact.
12:05
But we have other elements that are demanding our attention 1st.
12:10
And so it's really going to vary.
12:13
But I think seeing reality and seeing all of the pieces without
12:19
hiding or blocking our view from the different pieces, I think
12:22
that's what's really key I'm. Going to say it.
12:25
Yeah, I think it makes sense because if it protects me, if it
12:28
protects the behavior or the pain from the behavior, it's
12:32
really problematic. But if it exposes the behavior,
12:35
then it's it can be helpful. And I think about done in
12:39
isolation. I think about that.
12:41
Usually if I'm not acknowledging the behavior, I'm creating
12:45
excuses or I'm blaming it is to protect me and protect the
12:49
behavior where one of them done in the right context is exposing
12:53
the behavior. It's believing the behavior more
12:55
vulnerable and the behavior feels like myself, right?
12:59
In a bad place, but in a good place, in a safe place, it's
13:02
separate from me. Does that make any sense?
13:06
It does and this self protection I just want to voice it goes so
13:10
deep. So deep.
13:12
And yeah, I just think of like being a partner and seeing the
13:18
other person in self protection and how triggering that is to
13:22
see that self protection. But also me being a human and
13:27
knowing that it's so innate and so quick for all of us that our
13:32
initial reaction to a lot of things is to self protect.
13:37
And what do I do after that initial reaction?
13:40
So I initially want to defend, I initially want to protect
13:44
myself. I initially want to not look at
13:46
things. But then do I take it a step
13:49
further and step out of that self protection into awareness,
13:53
into clarity out of denial? By the way, the only way to see
14:00
justification and minimizing is from a shame free experience.
14:04
And that's kind of interesting because I, I think about the
14:08
amount of times that somebody that I loved would tell me I was
14:11
justifying or minimizing and if I was experiencing shame, I
14:14
could not see that I could not or.
14:16
Hear it? Or hear it or see it.
14:19
We're going to take a quick break for a moment.
14:21
I want to let you know of some things that we have coming up at
14:23
Choose Recovery Services. At Choose Recovery we do a lot
14:27
of intensives, but there is one in particular that I am so
14:30
excited about. It is the rebuilding US
14:33
intensive and this is for couples who have been through
14:37
betrayal but have put in a lot of work and are ready to dive
14:41
into some deeper emotional work, but they feel like there's
14:46
something missing, that they need that extra support to take
14:49
their relationship to the next level.
14:51
So this intensive is going to be in Phoenix, AZ March 26th to
14:56
29th. So it'll be a gorgeous time of
14:58
year depending on where you're at in the world.
15:00
Come get some sunshine. What we'll be doing is we'll be
15:04
using tools from Emotionally Focused Therapy, doing the Hold
15:08
Me Tight workshop intermixed with lots of experiential
15:12
activities, things like drum making and rappelling and
15:19
different activities that are going to allow you an
15:23
opportunity to really see each other work together and come and
15:27
build something brand new. Because that's what we're doing
15:31
here is we're not trying to go back to the way the relationship
15:34
was. We're not trying to go back to
15:35
old patterns. No, we're trying to break those
15:38
patterns that weren't working and do something different and
15:42
get that deeper level of intimacy.
15:44
So if that's something that you would like in your relationship,
15:47
you can go to chooserecoveryservices.com under
15:51
intensives. You'll see the intensives for
15:52
the whole year. But this one again is the
15:54
Rebuilding US intensive and you can come hang out with myself
15:58
and Hallie Roderick, Morgan Ellsworth and Luke Gordon.
16:02
It will be a small intimate group so you will get lots of
16:04
one-on-one support along with being able to connect with
16:08
others who are on the journey with you.
16:11
If you would like to join us, we would love to have you register
16:16
by February 28th. You can use the promo code
16:19
Rebuild US 500 and you'll get that $500 off again.
16:24
It's just through February 28th and cool thing about this.
16:28
We also have payment plans available if needed, which you
16:32
can reach out to info@chooserecoveryservices.com
16:35
to learn more. Let's get back to our episode.
16:39
So here's the third part of the taking full responsibility for
16:42
justifying. The third part is you're willing
16:44
to recognize how those actions affected other people.
16:47
So if I'm in a place where I'm taking responsibility, no
16:50
excuses, and I'm really looking at the impact of other people,
16:55
right? So that's the responsibility
16:57
piece. And I'll just say it doesn't
16:59
even mean that you necessarily understand the impact, but there
17:04
is a real sincere effort to understand it and being willing
17:10
to step into your own pain to understand theirs.
17:14
It's not making it about you and your pain, but it's tapping into
17:18
your place where you've been in darkness to understand their
17:21
darkness. And I think Alana even to build,
17:24
I think the momentum that even carries it into is a lack of
17:28
caring about my own pain. It's I can see that other
17:31
person's pain and I know it exists inside of me, but
17:35
frankly, I'm not interested in giving it any attention.
17:38
Not because it doesn't matter, because it's not important, but
17:40
I've held space for me now. I want to be with them.
17:44
So that's the responsibility part.
17:46
OK, so here's the second part. If that's if first part is
17:50
taking full responsibility, that's one way to measure it.
17:55
I have a hard time with this one.
17:56
You are open to feedback from others.
18:00
If I'm in denial and I don't really want to see anything, I'm
18:02
not open to feedback, right? That's why I said I have a hard
18:06
time with this one when I'm in a shame filled spot.
18:08
I'm not open to feedback. I'm not open to what other
18:10
people say about me, the impact on them.
18:13
So if you're willing to hear and consider other people's
18:16
perspective, whether it's a therapist or a coach,
18:18
accountability partner, specifically your romantic
18:21
partner, and you're not dismissing it and you're not
18:25
against it. And if you're actively seeking
18:27
out that input, like tell me more about what you mean.
18:30
I want to understand that it's pretty tough to be in hardcore
18:34
denial and be experiencing like. I want to know what other
18:37
people's perspective is and I want to know what.
18:40
This is a spectrum because I can see the extreme on both sides.
18:45
Can you see the extreme of being totally close to feedback and
18:49
how problematic that is and then having no sense of self and
18:53
looking to everyone else to tell you who you are and what the
18:57
answer is. So there really is this, this
19:00
healthy middle of I hear feedback and I can sit with it
19:05
and I can sort through it and I can learn of what is my reality
19:12
and what's what's my truth. All of that.
19:16
Because I see some individuals where they've hurt their partner
19:21
and then they go to this place and I'm going to be sensitive
19:26
with this because there's different stages.
19:29
Like in the beginning, there really is a, there needs to be
19:34
such tender care of the partner. And so it really is what does
19:38
the partner need to feel safe? What do we need to do?
19:41
But we also get such a differentiation in the power
19:45
dynamic. It can't stay that way forever.
19:48
And the hope Ray calls it the floating St. where they just
19:54
become this floating St. They do and say whatever you
19:56
want. It still is a form of
19:59
inauthenticity. And it's another form of the
20:02
addiction of not being real. And so there has to be a true
20:07
sense of self and there has to be that.
20:10
That balance of I'm doing these things to have empathy for you
20:15
as my partner and to take care of you, and I am not going
20:20
against my own values and I'm still a whole and complete
20:24
person on my own. So just recognizing that
20:27
spectrum there of we don't want extreme on either side of that.
20:33
Yeah, totally. Thanks for calling that out.
20:35
I appreciate that. OK.
20:36
So the next one is you no longer try to control the narrative,
20:41
OK, You're truthful about your behaviors.
20:44
You're not omitting the details. When you make yourself, they're
20:48
going to make yourself look better.
20:49
That I think that no longer controlling the narrative.
20:53
It's hard to see that control. It's hard to see or I think I've
20:58
let go of control and I think I'm allowing people to see all
21:01
the parts. But have I actually, my favorite
21:05
question is when it's like in a console or it's in an intake is
21:11
to what level are you willing to go to to figure this out?
21:14
Probably said differently than that.
21:17
And then there's guys that this is a 2 parter.
21:21
The, the men that I work with, there's this is a 2 parter.
21:24
They say they give the right answer, which is anything I'll
21:28
do anything. And that includes giving truth.
21:31
The truth that I've read will make it so I'm alone.
21:35
And then I'm like, cool, in my mind, I don't say this, but I'm
21:38
like, great, that's the right answer.
21:40
Now back it up. Let's see you do that.
21:44
And I think that no longer controlling the narrative,
21:47
whether it's downplaying things, not saying things, dishonesty
21:51
about the past, whatever it might be, that's a tough one to
21:54
understand. And it's a tough one to follow
21:57
through with. I think, yeah, 99% of the time I
22:02
get that same answer. I'll do anything but will you do
22:09
the hard things? Will you say the things you
22:11
don't want to say? Will you lean into discomfort?
22:14
Are you willing to risk losing everything to find yourself and
22:19
start living in honesty and transparency?
22:22
You know what I get a lot, Alana?
22:24
I get a lot of the time before I even get somebody saying, yeah,
22:29
I'll do anything. I just can't.
22:31
I can't do this anymore. I can't do this cycle, can't do
22:33
this pattern. The people aren't ready for
22:35
change. Ask a lot of the questions.
22:38
They're not ready for change yet.
22:40
Say things like tell me what I'm going to be asked to do.
22:43
Tell me what I'm going to need to do.
22:46
And I'm like, OK, so now what I recognize is there's going to be
22:50
working breaking through denial. I can't actually see things
22:55
because once once it's seen, it's like then it's like, I
22:58
can't do this anymore. Can't.
23:00
OK, the next one is you can identify patterns in your
23:05
behavior. I love this one.
23:08
I love this one because this is like somebody that becomes shame
23:12
resilient or is learning become shame resilient because all of a
23:15
sudden they're not identifying their worth through their
23:17
failing, their worth through the choices that they make.
23:22
They're able to like take a look at the pillow picture.
23:25
They're able to fall down, stand up, go, oh, I see that and I can
23:30
see that. I can see those patterns.
23:31
I can see that happening over and over again.
23:34
And now I'm going to look at it and I'm going to analyze it and
23:37
I'm going to dissect it. Probably not by myself, right?
23:40
Probably with somebody that can help me do that.
23:43
But yeah, that's the fourth piece of denial.
23:45
And you and notice Luke didn't say past behaviors because I see
23:50
often people who are still in denial totally are like, yeah,
23:55
let's explore my past behaviors. That wasn't me.
23:58
Let's see what that guy over there did.
24:00
And then they want to short through that without going no,
24:04
what patterns are happening today?
24:07
What patterns am I still doing? And even if you're not acting
24:10
out, are there still similar patterns?
24:14
And guess what? Usually there are because humans
24:17
are built in patterns and for that different type of
24:20
repetition. And so just really being able to
24:25
own the patterns that are happening right now.
24:28
Yes, understanding the patterns of the past, but what's a life
24:31
today? And that's how dare you call
24:35
that out. Let's talk about the past,
24:37
right? That's easier.
24:38
I can demonize the old me. I can demonize that guy that I'm
24:41
no longer, but that's I'm not him anymore.
24:45
That's part of the problem because that's the experiences.
24:47
I can see patterns that exist that are still weaving my
24:54
experience today. OK, cool.
24:56
Anything else on identifying patterns Alana?
25:00
I'll just say for couples patterns are what we really have
25:04
to know and understand and work on breaking in couples work.
25:08
I think about this intensive we have coming up in March and it's
25:12
really like just this like diving into the patterns and how
25:16
do we break those patterns because if we don't understand
25:20
the patterns, if we can't see the patterns that are active and
25:22
alive, we can't break them. So.
25:27
It will. I love that because this couples
25:29
intense that we have coming up, these couples that are doing
25:34
this work and understanding these patterns.
25:36
It's cool to see the rewarding experience of them coming
25:39
together and have identified the pattern in themselves and are
25:43
not forcing their partner to be doing something about it.
25:45
And they're going inside of themselves and they're coming
25:47
together as a couple. And then they're talking about
25:49
the pattern and they're leaning into this comfort.
25:52
And it's amazing to watch how rewarding it is for both of
25:55
them, how hard it is and how rewarding it is for sure.
25:59
OK, so the next one is, is are you willing to do what it takes
26:03
to change? So that I think that we don't
26:05
have to spend a lot of time on that because we already did just
26:08
that. OK, I'll I'll do what it takes.
26:10
Really quick on that one. I before jump forward in our
26:13
notes, it talks about are you willing to take concrete steps?
26:18
And so I just, I like that one and I want to highlight that
26:22
piece because it's really common and I'll speak to partners.
26:27
Partners so bad want to have hope.
26:30
And so they will hear the person who's acted outside their values
26:35
or has a problematic sexual behavior give these promises and
26:38
give the words. And so they so bad want to
26:42
believe that. And so they hold on to these
26:44
words as the concrete steps. But instead of watching the
26:48
mouth of what someone's saying and watching the words, we got
26:51
to watch the feet. And so partners, if there's any
26:55
partners listening to this, it is looking for those concrete
26:58
actionables. And then for the person who
27:01
you're really trying just to change, what action steps are
27:05
you regularly taking today? So just really highlighting that
27:09
those concrete steps. Yeah, it's on, it's in very
27:12
intentional. These steps they're created on
27:15
purpose and that they're moved forward on purpose.
27:18
Yeah, you don't the change doesn't happen accidentally.
27:21
It's really fun to listen to people like this couples
27:23
intensive we have coming up here.
27:25
These people didn't get here on accident.
27:29
They didn't fall in this place. They took steps in their
27:31
individual recovery to get there.
27:33
All right, so that the other one is you accept the full scope of
27:39
the problem. So I acknowledge the behavior in
27:43
myself, but I also recognize there's something where there's
27:46
deep emotional wounds, there's trauma, there's coping
27:48
mechanisms. I think about process addiction.
27:51
It's not just one thing, it's one thing contributes to the
27:55
other. You've been talking a lot about
27:56
lately. One thing impacts another, the
27:58
packs another, the packs another.
27:59
So it's understanding the whole pattern, right?
28:02
Yeah, nothing happens in isolation or in a vacuum.
28:05
Everything impacts everything else when we're trying to teach
28:09
couples how to come back together and the person who has
28:13
injured their partner is trying to heal the relationship and
28:18
trying to create a safe environment to do so.
28:21
One thing we talked about a lot is this need to slow down and
28:24
get curious. And energetically, you really
28:28
can't fake curiosity like you can say the words.
28:33
It is one of those things that it is so easy to tell when
28:37
somebody is truly interested in curious or when they're not.
28:41
But that right there, that element of if you can really get
28:45
curious about what they're experiencing, get curious about
28:49
the impact, get curious about understanding those deeper
28:52
emotional firms with true curiosity and interests and
28:57
wanting to learn, then those pieces really can lay a
29:01
foundation for healing a relationship.
29:05
Yeah. And you can't understand the
29:06
full scope of the problem unless you got curious about how it is,
29:10
why it is today. One of the things that's in the
29:11
notes on the full scope of the problem is that that there is
29:16
that work around identity and your relationship and
29:19
understanding how one impacts the other.
29:21
And our last intensive we did for the men, this was the
29:25
unmasked intensive. I think out of the, I don't
29:28
know, eight guys that were there every all but one of them or
29:33
maybe two of them. The thing that I identified was
29:36
the thing that was keeping them from being able to move forward
29:39
in their recovery and their healing and their relationship
29:41
was to be able to be present, to be able to be fully present with
29:45
their partner. So much distraction, so many, so
29:48
much coping mechanisms. And you really have to
29:52
understand the full scope of the problem in order to even be
29:54
present to begin with. And that is, are you able to be
29:58
fully present with yourself and are you able to really get
30:01
curious about yourself and really know yourself?
30:05
You and Gary Katz on your podcast recently and on his
30:10
company's website, I forget his tagline, but it's basically
30:14
something along the lines of you have to learn how to get
30:17
intimate and be intimate with yourself before you can truly be
30:20
intimate with other people. You have to know yourself.
30:23
And so I think this accepting the full scope of the problem is
30:29
it's equally understanding the impact on other people and you
30:34
and it's knowing you and healing that relationship with you.
30:39
I love that so much. He's coming back to this
30:42
podcast, by the way, so I'm excited to have him back the
30:46
next one. You feel the discomfort, but you
30:47
don't run from it. So when you breakthrough denial,
30:51
there's going to be a lot through that process, a lot of
30:55
guilt. There's a lot of shame, there's
30:56
a lot of grief, there's a lot of fear, but you allow yourself to
30:59
sit with that those emotions and those feelings, you're not like
31:03
numbing them or pushing away. There's that part where there's
31:07
going to be that urge to like do those things we talked about
31:10
earlier, justify, rationalize as that stuff comes up, but you
31:13
don't, you feel the discomfort, you're there present with it and
31:17
you And that's like what happened in the group that I was
31:20
referring to earlier. Those men came in to that group
31:23
setting and they were checking in with high energy, comfortable
31:27
feelings. And then they left that group
31:31
with a sense of like heaviness. And that sense of heaviness was
31:35
around maybe seeing some denial they hadn't seen before.
31:38
Oh, there's more work to do, but they didn't run from it.
31:42
They weren't running from it. They talked like very actionable
31:44
things that they wanted to do. And from what I could tell from
31:48
checkouts, it wasn't just a, it wasn't just AI don't want
31:52
anything to do with this. There was a there was an energy
31:54
about wanting to do so. Not running from it, but running
31:57
to it. I think that if you have spent a
32:02
lifetime running from pain or numbing out from pain, which is
32:06
what we see, if we're to the point where we have an
32:09
addiction, then here we've been like running from her and
32:13
numbing out to the pain, learning how to sit in the pain
32:17
as a process. And sometimes I'll see people
32:21
again, like the two spectrums that they'll like pendulum swing
32:24
of like, no, I have to be in so much pain.
32:26
And they try to like force pain. So then now it's like, look at
32:30
me, I'm sitting in all the pain and they can go to a victim
32:33
mindset, which actually isn't helpful.
32:35
And so it's finding that that healthy balance and it's
32:40
learning how to allow yourself to sit in the pain and also
32:46
recognizing where you are and when I need to step back and get
32:50
re regulated and get grounded. And so it, this one in
32:54
particular really is a learning process.
32:57
And I think similar to lifting weights, the more frequently I
33:00
lift and as I increase the weight, I'll get stronger and
33:03
stronger, but I can't instantly go and start lifting 300 lbs.
33:10
I got to start with 5 or 10 lbs and work my way up.
33:13
And so learning to sit in this discomfort, figuring out where
33:18
you're at, and then building from there.
33:20
Yeah. And so if you're wondering, OK,
33:24
thanks for the markers, y'all, Like thanks for the ways to
33:28
measure it and what would I actually do?
33:31
What action could I take? Let's just talk about the first
33:33
one that's in the the model for breaking through denial is you
33:38
sit with a therapist, you sit with a coach, and you share with
33:43
them all the pieces because that's the safe place.
33:45
That's a place of confidentiality.
33:46
That's to share the stuff that you don't share, the stuff that
33:50
kind of wants to eat you alive. Like I can't let this out.
33:54
And then that next piece is then you do a thorough review of that
33:59
stuff, the stuff that you're just like, it's going to kill
34:02
me. And that is going to prompt and
34:04
it's going to bring to the surface those ways to be able to
34:07
breakthrough denial because it's going to start to paint a
34:09
picture. And guess what?
34:11
The picture, believe it or not, if you do the work isn't I'm not
34:14
enough. That's what exists before you
34:17
actually do the exploring. Then it you finally get to a
34:21
place of, oh, wow, I'm not my behavior.
34:25
And that is very painful. And I have hope.
34:29
I would just say the last thing is for those of you who've been
34:32
in this journey for a while, just is your especially when
34:36
you're working on that relational healing, really
34:39
excited for you to check out that couples intensive that we
34:41
have going on. It is very exciting to see those
34:45
people that are ready for that work do it.
34:46
So if you're wondering to yourself, am I ready?
34:48
You don't need to know that. Just show up with us.
34:51
Let's talk about it. Let's assess and see if that is
34:54
but very rewarding opportunity for all the hard work that
34:57
you've done. Just to clarify, when you say
35:00
show up, we're saying you can schedule a discovery call or an
35:05
intake session to see if where you're at it could be beneficial
35:09
or not. You could just sign up and show
35:12
up and we take care of you. But thanks.
35:14
For clarifying. It does come with a free session
35:20
for each person, each couple that signs up, not only to
35:23
explore if it's right, but really all of our intensives we
35:27
try to tailor to who's there. And so it's figuring out what
35:33
you need so you can get the help.
35:35
Thanks, Alana. All right, everybody.
35:37
It was good to hang out with you today.
35:39
Take care and we'll talk to you later.
35:41
Hey guys, I am super excited to talk to you about our latest
35:44
intensive that we have coming up.
35:46
It's called Men's Journey to Wholeness.
35:47
Prior to this, many of you attended Unmasked and Men's
35:52
Journey to Wholeness is the next level of recovery.
35:54
It's more of phase two recovery. It's a relationship with self,
35:58
so we can have a relationship with others.
36:00
You're welcome to join us in the beautiful Spanish Fork area and
36:03
we are going to be having this on March 12th through the 14th.
36:06
But let me tell you a little bit about it.
36:08
What's a three day intensive? They're going to be a lot of
36:11
transformational connection going on.
36:13
That's going to be the focus. We're going to dive into the
36:16
work. We're open to all men.
36:18
So whether you attended the Unmasked intensive or not, it's
36:21
OK. But the focus is we're going to
36:23
be building deeper relationship with yourself.
36:26
A lot of times men are trying to kill that part of them that made
36:31
these horrible choices. They don't like that part of
36:34
them. We're going to identify that
36:37
part of us, and we're going to allow us to see something that
36:41
we haven't seen before. We're going to learn about how
36:44
your protective parts protect and how they've shielded you
36:47
from things and how they're still shielding you from things.
36:50
And we're going to release some of those burdens.
36:53
The principles are inspired by the book No Bad Parts.
36:57
There's going to be activities, there's going to be experiential
36:59
workshops, there's going to be hands on exercises.
37:02
There's going to be a lot of guided support.
37:04
There'll be a couple surprises. You won't be sore to secrecy,
37:07
but it's going to be pretty fun to see everybody engage in the
37:11
type of activities we have coming up for you.
37:13
And let me tell you what a fair outcome might be if you decide
37:17
to do something like this. By the end of the intensive,
37:20
you're going to be able to embrace a part of yourself that
37:23
maybe you haven't before and have some awareness around it.
37:28
Much deeper connection with yourself and removing some of
37:31
those barriers to keep you isolated.
37:34
Also, unburden yourself from the heaviness of the secrets.
37:38
The secrets might be out there, but the burden of sharing parts
37:41
of you that you just don't feel like you can share with other
37:43
people. We'll give you some direction on
37:45
how to sign up. Space is limited.
37:47
I hate saying that. Definitely want you to hurry to
37:50
registration. Reach out to us if you have
37:52
questions. We will give you more
37:55
information about how to sign up in the notes of this podcast and
37:59
on our website. Hopefully we can see you there.
38:02
Are there times you feel overwhelmed at the amount of
38:04
resources and books available for betrayal, trauma and
38:08
addiction? Do you ever wonder where to
38:10
start? Are you looking for a safe space
38:13
to explore and process the various aspects of recovery?
38:17
I'm Rachel Strong Smith and I am offering a group for women to
38:21
come together to study and discuss a specific recovery book
38:26
written by a professional in this field.
38:29
This psycho educational group will meet twice a month for a
38:32
period of three months and be filled with group insights about
38:36
the book that we are reading. As a social.
38:38
Worker I will facilitate the group by creating a space to
38:42
explore questions and conversations, perspectives and
38:46
applications of the reading. There are many rich sources of
38:50
information out there. Learning and growth are
38:53
strengthened in community. Let's discover how these many
38:57
resources can add to our life and the recovery process.
39:02
Head over to choose Recovery services.com For more
39:05
information and to sign up. I look.
39:07
Forward to seeing you there. Hey, thanks for joining us
39:12
today. If this is something that you
39:14
connected with, I'd love to meet with you more and talk about it.
39:17
So what you can do is go to chooserecoveryservices.com or
39:21
check the show notes and there what we can do is set up a quick
39:24
conversation we need. Thanks so much for listening to
39:26
Beyond the Facade where we unmask the authentic self.